Q. My spouse and I are cradle Catholics in our 80s. Several of our adult children and grandchildren are nonpracticing Catholics; the grandchildren live with partners outside of marriage. They often host family dinners at our home with their partners present. When our extended family gathers, we sometimes attend Mass together, and all — including those who are nonpracticing or cohabiting — present themselves for Holy Communion. 

We have remained silent about both the cohabitation and the reception of Communion. Could our silence and participation constitute scandal, and if so, how should we respond?

A. You and your wife face a pastoral challenge that has become increasingly common: navigating the moral and relational difficulties that arise when families are divided by sharply divergent ethical commitments. 

Loved ones who no longer live in accord with Catholic moral teaching act with confidence in ways that objectively contradict the commandments set forth in Sacred Scripture and upheld by the Church. This creates a painful tension for those who seek to remain faithful to Christ and to preserve bonds of affection and unity. 

In such circumstances, fidelity itself can be misinterpreted as rigidity or lack of love, and the consistent witness of a Christian life can be experienced by others as an obstacle to harmony. Your desire to respond with charity and prudence, without compromising obedience to the moral law, reflects a mature and commendable grasp of Christian discipleship.

The Moral Question

In seeking to avoid alienation, you have chosen not to confront your family members directly. At the same time, you rightly wonder whether your silence could involve scandal or blameworthy cooperation in wrongdoing.

The issue is not whether cohabitation and unworthy reception of Holy Communion are sinful — the Church’s teaching is clear — but whether your own choices in response to these situations are blameworthy. Here the doctrine of moral cooperation in the wrongdoing of others becomes relevant.

Formal and Material Cooperation

We must first distinguish between formal and material cooperation.

Formal cooperation occurs when one shares the bad intention of the wrongdoer, and this is always wrong. When grave matter is at stake, as it is here, formal cooperation is always gravely wrong. 

But nothing in your description suggests that you approve of cohabitation, sexual relations outside marriage, or unworthy reception of Holy Communion. You do not intend these actions, actively encourage them, or desire their continuation. If this is correct, then formal cooperation is clearly excluded.

What remains is material cooperation: actions that in fact contribute to another’s wrongdoing — by making it easier, more stable, or more socially acceptable — without sharing in the wrongdoer’s intention. 

Unlike formal cooperation, material cooperation is sometimes — but not always — morally acceptable. Unfortunately, many assume that if cooperation is not formal, then any good intention can justify it. But this is not the case. 

To determine whether material cooperation is morally licit, one must assess whether the reasons for cooperating — the goods to be achieved and evils avoided — are stronger than the reasons against cooperating, chiefly the avoidance of the evils caused by cooperating. 

In your situation, material cooperation occurs in two ways. 

First, by continuing to host your grandchildren and their partners, knowing these are nonmarital sexual relationships, you contribute to an environment that normalizes those relationships, even though you do not intend the sexual wrongdoing itself. 

Second, by attending Mass with family members whom you reasonably foresee will receive Holy Communion unworthily and by remaining silent, you contribute to the conditions under which that sacrilegious act occurs, even though you do not intend it.

The moral question, therefore, is not whether this contribution exists, but whether the other important goods at stake constitute proportionate and just reasons for accepting the bad side effects of cooperating.

Preserving Your Christian Witness

Your primary concern rightly is scandal, which the Catechism defines as “an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil” (2284). Scandal is not caused merely because someone sees a Catholic tolerating wrongdoing; rather, it involves a reasonable likelihood that one’s conduct will encourage sin, weaken moral resolve, confuse others about what is good, or suggest that choices incompatible with the Gospel are nevertheless consistent with Christian discipleship. 

Because the Christian life is not only private but also public, special care must be taken that one’s actions do not obscure the truth of the Gospel or blur the moral contours of one’s Christian witness.

You should therefore ask: Will others — especially your children and grandchildren — reasonably view your conduct as significant? Will they draw practical conclusions from it? Is your example likely to lead anyone into sin, or to believe that choices contrary to the Church’s moral teaching are compatible with faithful Christian living? 

More specifically, you should ask whether welcoming cohabiting family members into your home may be perceived as normalizing nonmarital lifestyles, and whether attending Mass with relatives who receive Holy Communion unworthily may be taken as tacit approval of behavior at odds with the Gospel.

If, upon reflection, you judge that your conduct may be interpreted in ways that lead others toward sin or dilute your Christian witness, you should take whatever reasonable measures can mitigate the risk of scandal. This does not require drastic or confrontational remedies, but it does call for proportionate steps that make your fidelity clear and avoid giving the impression that you affirm morally disordered choices.

For grandparents in your situation, some of these measures may be modest; others more challenging. Here are several for your consideration.

Practical Measures

First, unless your family already knows you do not approve of their situation, avoiding scandal may be impossible without first having a frank conversation about your moral and religious convictions.

This may be difficult if your past silence has suggested approval. In that case, it will likely be necessary to clarify that this impression was mistaken and motivated by love and a desire to avoid discord. But because this is a matter of conscience for you, you are now making your position clear and asking them to honor it out of respect for your conscience.

Second, you can make your own commitments to the Church visible in quiet but unmistakable ways. Continuing to participate faithfully in sacramental life, praying before meals, and speaking naturally of the Church as an authoritative moral guide help ensure that your tolerance of family members is not interpreted as indifference to Catholic teaching. Referring to “the truths taught by the Church” rather than personal opinion underscores that your convictions are rooted in the Gospel and the Church’s living tradition.

Third, avoid verbal or practical gestures that could be understood as affirming morally disordered conduct. This includes refraining from calling cohabiting partners “spouses,” and declining to host overnight stays in the same room for cohabiting couples. Such restraint does not reject your family members; rather, it preserves the intelligibility of your Christian witness by withholding forms of approval that could suggest nonmarital sexual relationships are consistent with the Gospel. 

This can be especially challenging, because even when handled with sensitivity, family members who have justified their situation to themselves may still interpret your response as rejection. In such moments, pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit — for wisdom in what to say and how to say it — and entrust both your fidelity and your relationships to the Lord, who alone can unite truth and charity in the hearts of those you love.

Fourth, frame your hospitality — whether explicitly, or simply by tone and context — as hospitality toward persons rather than lifestyles. A simple private word, when appropriate, can clarify that your welcome expresses affection, not endorsement, and that you remain committed to the Church’s teaching on marriage.

Fifth, particular care is needed when attending Mass together. Because receiving Holy Communion is a publicly visible ecclesial act, the risk of scandal is greater here. 

If your children or grandchildren, while living in objective contradiction to the Church’s moral and sacramental discipline, present themselves for Communion, this can reasonably appear as tacit approval from you — especially at your age and known fidelity to the Church. This can confuse others about the Church’s teaching on the Eucharist, making it a genuine cause of scandal.

A proportionate response would be to speak privately and respectfully with them. You might express delight that they have faith (if they do) and wish to participate in the life of the Church, but then briefly explain the concerns above and ask that when attending Mass with you, they refrain from receiving Holy Communion — either out of respect for the Church’s teaching on the requirements for receiving the Lord — or at least out of respect for your conscience. 

If they are unwilling and insist on receiving Communion, another reasonable — though painful — option would be to refrain from attending Mass together, while continuing to attend faithfully on your own. This course judges no one’s culpability; it simply protects the clarity of your witness and avoids suggesting that the Church’s sacramental norms are optional.

Finally, praying openly for families, marriages and fidelity to Christ — whether before meals or in simple family prayer — offers a fitting form of witness at your stage of life. Prayer expresses love and directs attention to the goods at stake.

Taken together, these measures will reduce the likelihood that your material cooperation will tempt others, impart legitimacy to wrongdoing, or compromise your Christian witness. 

When your convictions are presented gently and with love, you will be doing what you reasonably can to avoid estrangement and preserve moral influence. In this way, you act neither as silent approvers of wrongdoing nor as its prosecutors, but as Christian grandparents seeking to bear faithful witness to the Gospel in truth, charity and peace.