A pungent revolution has gripped the Trump administration. According to The Wall Street Journal, top officials have a penchant for raw, gut-healing sauerkraut.

Vice President JD Vance, who originally embraced the bitter crunch as a devout Catholic Lenten penance, now routinely pairs his bun-less burgers with the fermented greens. Nearby, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy boasts a glowing complexion that’s converting skeptics.

Heeding the advice of Catholic physician Dr. Sean O’Mara — who calls the practice of eating fermented foods a “living diet”— Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. remains the ultimate kraut king, crediting it for shedding 20 pounds in just 30 days.

The Kraut-Compliant Diet

O’Mara, who is no stranger to Catholic media, often citing the benefits of fasting, is an emergency medicine veteran who previously served on the White House medical staff under George W. Bush. He runs a high-end optimization clinic, where he uses full-body MRI scans to identify dangerous, hidden visceral fat. He instructs his high-profile clients to aggressively target this fat by treating their gut microbiome like an “inner bulletproof vest.” He advises patients to completely eliminate sugar and alcohol, warning that dietary failure is like “a company heading toward bankruptcy.”

O’Mara notes that the gut needs a slow transition to allow active microbes to colonize: “Eventually they start colonizing, and eventually they tolerate it, and eventually they like it, and soon they start loving these microbes.”

The fervor has quickly spread to other corners of the cabinet. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick — a cancer survivor who once strictly avoided red meat — was converted after talking to Kennedy on a flight. Lutnick has since ditched his diet sodas, switched to iced coffee, and now ferments his own vegetables at home rather than buying store-bought kraut. Former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy even started O’Mara’s regimen and boasted of shrinking his waistline by four inches.

The diet has become a point of contention at home, though, with the “sulfurous odors” leading to some mild domestic disputes. Undeterred, during a night out at a high-end restaurant, Kennedy went so far as to ask his wife, Cheryl Hines, to hide a jar of his homemade cabbage in her designer purse — a request she flatly refused.