This selection appears courtesy of EWTN Publishing. The full book is available here.

Expectations Versus Reality

A good definition of frustration: The difference between the way we want things to be and the way they are. It is the gap between expectations and reality.

Expecting others to act well is understandable. Treat me well, as I treat you. You would agree that I treat you well, wouldn’t you?

A plea I hear repeatedly as a psychologist, “Tell me how to make someone be different.” If they don’t want to be, that’s a really hard plea to answer.

I can hope another will act right toward me. I can want it. I can pray for it. If I expect — demand? — it, I’ll set myself up for frustration or distress or anger.

Your sister tests the strength of your sibling bond. She’s just lobbed at you snark #72, not all in one day, but over the last year or so. But who’s counting? You stew, “Why does she do this? What is her point? Why does she keep upsetting me?”

A thought do-over: “Why do I keep upsetting myself? This is nothing I haven’t heard before. This is her way.” Does snark number 72 still have the same or more bite as snark numbers 10 or 45? The repetition alone should reduce their credibility and, with that, their bite.

To lower expectations is not, “I’m giving up on you.” It is not, “I’ll just accept mistreatment.” It is not, “I don’t care what you say (do) because I don’t care about you.”

To repeat — Did you expect that? — to adjust expectations is to adjust thinking. It is to realize what has been, what is, and if history is any prediction, what may continue to be. We can’t always alter reality. We can alter expectations. And that can alter a relationship, for the better.

Petty Peeves

“Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.” George Carlin, comedian.

Petty: “Of little or no importance or consequence.” Of course, that depends on who is doing the defining. One thing is sure: The more annoyances one defines as small, the less time he spends being peeved at another.

To keep the small stuff small, accept: Every personality — that means mine, too — has its habits and quirks, which can be durable or unconscious. What’s more, most all personalities share the same habit: My foibles are seen as smaller than yours.

Psychologists talk about “negativity bias.” It is noticing the bad more than the good, the wrong more than the right. Christians call it “fallen nature.” The negative, however minor, grabs our attention.

This is not to say: Everything — big or tiny — is best downplayed. It is to caution against giving little matters big status. Little matters only get bigger when belabored.

You define “petty.” You give more or less weight to everyday annoyances. How much they color your relationships is up to you.

Petting the sweaty things can leave your hand sticky if not stinky. Sweating the petty things can make a relationship sticky, if not stinky.

To Forgive

What does “to forgive” mean? To forego retaliation? To let go of hurt or anger? To purge resentment? To forget history? To like the unlikeable? To love the unlovable?

To forgive, for most, is some blend of these. But whatever it means, one thing is certain: It’s a rare relationship that can endure without forgiveness, at least somewhat, at least sometimes, at least from one party.

It is said: Refusing to forgive another is like ingesting a tiny bit of poison every day and waiting for the other to feel its effects. What’s more, he may be convinced he did nothing needing forgiving.

To live the name Christian is to forgive. It is not a suggestion, a “do your best.” It is a command, an obligation.

Jesus commands: Forgive 70 times seven. Even if He meant an actual 490, and then my obligation is over, that’s still a big number. Instead, He means to forgive always.

Always? Isn’t there some way I can find a spiritual loophole? A looseness in Christ’s teaching? Well, psychologically speaking, maybe I can.

A scenario: My wife calls her mother to watch over our children on an evening she’ll be out, but I’ll be home. Given my touchiness about being a mediocre caregiver (They need to be fed? When?), I confront my wife about her making me look inept, an “offense” as I see it.

After reminding me that I’m the child needing the most supervision (no argument there), she maintains her intent was to give me some free time to work on my parenting book. (Like that’s supposed to soothe me.) Here I was, all primed to “forgive” when my wife did nothing at all wrong. It was my misreading of her motives that pushed me to think she did.

How many times, I wonder, have I struggled to forgive someone’s “offense” against me when in reality the offense existed only in my head? It hung solidly in psychological mid-air. I don’t know the exact number, but I do know it’s more than 70 times seven.

Forgive? Fully, honestly, always? That’s possible only with God’s help. Just make sure there is something to forgive and not something only in your mind’s eye or ear.

Almost

Why “almost everybody”? Don’t most people want to get along with everybody, or better said, everybody they want to get along with? “Almost” is in this title for this reason: Getting along with everybody is not doable. It’s a psychological promise that can’t be fulfilled.

That said, most of us will admit we can do better — lots? — at getting along with others. Still, our best efforts don’t guarantee another will reciprocate. That doesn’t mean our best efforts are wasted. If nothing else, they’ll bring more peace, or at a minimum, less stress.

It’s a rare life completely free of any bruised or broken relationships. Accompanying our efforts are our prayers. While prayers don’t noticeably move everyone, they act in mysterious ways, beyond our immediate vision. More than 40 years as a psychologist has given me the time to watch “irreconcilable” relationships restored.

Personal peace lies in living the balance between hope and reality.