Perhaps it’s a coincidence, or maybe some far-sighted linguist planned it so, but “listen” and “silent” are anagram companions — they contain the same letters in a different mix. No end of books, articles, workshops, therapies have promoted how to skillfully listen. Few subjects in relationships have been talked and re-talked as much as listening.

Good listening begins with good silence.

His thoughts were slow; his words were few And never formed to glisten. But he was a joy to all his friends You should have heard him listen.

Listen a minute isn’t about the do’s and don’ts of when, where and why to hear your spouse’s side. It’s more basic than that. It’s shutting up, however briefly, before denying, defending or disputing.

“Listen” and “silent” may be anagrams, but their relationship is one-sided. You can be silent and not listen. It’s hard to listen if you’re not silent.

Shut up? What kind of counseling is that? (I am a highly trained professional communicator.) “Shut up” for how long? Can you go five minutes? If not, how about something more doable — one minute? No glancing at the clock, phone or counting silently, “Twelve more seconds, then my turn.”

One minute speaks of benefits: It slows any escalation of the volley of heated words. It short-circuits the “I say — you say” and “Yeah, but …” It gives the other, for a short time anyway, nothing to argue against, as you’re not arguing.

Good listening is like a good apology: Look at your spouse. Look attentive. No yawning, rolling of the eyes, or focusing on the TV, especially if it’s off. Disinterest is not listening.

“What I hear I might not want to hear.” Granted, not all listening times are created equal. I can give my wife my rapt attention for an hour, provided she lists in alphabetical order all my positive attributes. She says she only needs an egg timer.

The real test of listening stamina is hearing the negative. To quote Einstein: “Time is relative.” One hour of praise can seem like a minute. One minute of criticism can seem like an hour.

Are you leaving yourself wide open for a tongue-lashing? First, are you hearing anything new? Is it the same theme of previous disagreements?

Second, does reacting immediately slow or speed the discord? Reflexively responding leads to meaner stuff than does silence.

Third, eventually you probably will answer, perhaps as soon as 61 seconds. Arguments aren’t radio contests: The first to respond wins. Another’s perspective doesn’t stiffen because you don’t instantly challenge it. Indeed, an instant challenge leads to instant stiffening.

Last, and foremost, what you hear may be what you need to hear. Listening longer to my wife’s words instead of formulating my own in return could teach me something about me, even if I don’t want to learn it.

It is said: If you want to make me mad, tell a lie about me. If you want to make me really mad, tell the truth about me.

Listening needn’t include psych-speak, full of sensitive mmm-hmms, “I see,” “I hear you saying …” I’m a therapist, and I don’t listen like that. You can if you want, though your spouse could wonder if you’ve just completed an online “Listening for Dummies” course. What if she hears your silence as agreement? Once you start talking, she may realize to listen doesn’t mean to agree.

A little listening is not relational magic or conversational elixir. It’s more of a balm. It speaks loudly, “I want to hear what you have to say.” Really. Are you even listening to me?