This selection appears courtesy of EWTN Publishing. The full book is available here.

Dear Dr. Ray, 

I’m a mother of five children and happily pregnant with my sixth. I’m amazed at how free people feel to disparage my family size. I’m reluctant to tell anyone I’m expecting again. 

—Getting Quieter

Tolerance is the pervasive, preeminent new moral virtue. Whatever others want to do is their choice — indeed, their right — and is to be accepted, even celebrated. Yet our society is quite narrow in its tolerance. For all its vaunted openness, the tolerance movement is riddled with ironies.

Irony #1: Tolerance for all, except some

Not everyone deserves to think his or her own way. Tolerance is reserved for those who think the right way, as defined by reigning secular rules. In the largest group of “non-acceptables” are traditional values, especially those of the Christian faith and especially the Catholic Faith.

Irony #2: Tolerance redefines itself, moving with cultural winds

One moral edict that nowadays must be accepted is sexual freedom — except, as you hear it firsthand, the sexual freedom to have babies in marriage.

A quote attributed to G.K. Chesterton is, “When people stop believing in God, the danger is not that they believe in nothing, the danger is that they’ll believe in anything.” In God’s absence, or at least His lower profile, society gets to define what constitutes a “sin.” Three current ones are: smoking, spanking, and having more than 1.78 children.

Irony #3: Sacrifice is called selfishness

Mothers and fathers who accept children as God’s gifts, who daily give of themselves for their larger-than-“normal” family, and who live with fewer material comforts are accused of being selfish or of “breeding” in order to meet some underlying psychological needs. Wanting children is greedy. Tell that to these parents’ checkbooks.

Irony #4: Plenty is no longer enough

No society in human history has enjoyed our level of resources and abundance. Yet a standard objection against having several children is material: “How can you take care of them?” Meaning what? Food? Shelter? Education? Cars? Bathrooms? Bedrooms?

A generation or two ago, the typical family home was around 1,000 square feet. One bathroom, two or more kids per bedroom, no air conditioning, one phone, and a single-car garage. Parents who successfully raised families in such deprived conditions now wonder how their grown children can maintain a favorable family lifestyle in a house twice or more times as large, with multiple everything. One child per bedroom is now the upper limit.

During our adoption screening for our fourth child, the social worker asked my wife and me, “Do you have enough bedrooms?” I was tempted to answer, “Well, they have walls, beds, and carpet, but no TVs.” But Randi shot me a “don’t go there” look. At the time, we had three bedrooms, which seemed quite sufficient to me. As a fallback, Randi and I could move to the couch. Well, maybe I could.

When my oldest daughter, Hannah, entered college, the school’s president spoke about the freshman adjustment to having a roommate. At which Hannah exclaimed, “Only one?” She had entered dormitory heaven.

Irony #5: Okay for me, not for you

Too-many-kids reactions regularly come from those who had large families themselves — grandparents and others of their generation who routinely had four-plus children. Nevertheless, they question why their offspring would want more offspring.

Irony #6: People of faith also question

It is understandable that the nonreligious would look askance at parents who challenge the childbearing allowance numerically; their perspective is slanted by society’s. One would expect those of faith to better understand the God-ordained gift of children. Sadly, many now observe family life through a lens more secular than faith-lit.

Irony #7: One mustn’t criticize others — except mothers

Those who religiously shun talking politics or religion feel unrestrained license to opine about the more personal of someone’s life decisions. The cliches are predictably similar — thought clever but, in fact, tiresome. “Are they all yours?” “Don’t you have a TV?” “So this is it, right?” (This last question sometimes follows child number two, almost always coming after child number three.) “You’ve got your boy and girl [the “complete” family], so are you finished?”

Sometimes the intrusions come with an edge: “I hope you’re not thinking of more?” “How can you give each the attention it needs?” (The pronoun itself is instructive.) “What about college?” (The financial often lurks.)

Verbally cornering veteran mothers is not without risk. After all, these are women uncowed by years of living in close proximity to multiple little human beings. A rude remark or two can be swatted away as effortlessly as a 7-year-old’s tattle.

“Is this all your family?” “Of course not; our oldest is at home with the triplets.”

“Haven’t you ever heard of birth control?” “Yes, I’ve heard of it. Why?”

“Do you know what causes this?” “No, please tell me.”

“Is your husband going to get fixed?” “I don’t think he’s broken.”

“Are you going to have more?” “Well, not right this minute.”

“Don’t you think you have too many children?” “Which one should I give back?”

“I’m glad it’s you and not me.” “I think my kids are glad too.”

Ouch!

Sometimes the concerns are for Mom: “I just worry about you.” “Be careful you don’t overload yourself.” “How’s your stress level?” “Can you manage it all?” “Are you doing okay?”

Even when well-meaning, these questions imply that Mother doesn’t quite understand what she’s doing to herself. Isn’t she sacrificing herself for all these children? Well, yes, she is. That is exactly her intent.

It’s good to answer sour with sweet: “A soft answer turns away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1). “We’ve always been grateful for our kids.” “We want whomever God gives us.”

Sometimes a good response is no response — a smile, a shrug, a lost look. Lost looks silently say, “I don’t understand your point.” What else can anyone expect from someone who has deliberately fried her brain circuitry with so many offspring?

In the end, what wins over naysayers most is the children themselves. Parents of plenty typically invest themselves plenty in their families. In time, others see that your children are not emotionally and materially shortchanged. Rather, they are maturing into individuals admired by those who once didn’t understand you.