Family Matters

My kids (ages 11 and 14) are seldom blatantly disrespectful, but lately they have begun talking back in subtle ways. It might be a “Duh,” a “Yeah, right” or a long look. My friends tell me it's just the age and it will pass. What do you say?

I agree. It's the age. But not the age of adolescence — the age of toleration and disrespect that we now live in.

Your children's “subtle” disrespect — actually no disrespect is subtle if you can perceive it — puts a face to a broader mentality that undercuts good parents today and, ultimately, hurts kids. I call it the “he's not on drugs” mentality. Because what the child is doing is not all that bad, at least compared with the major trouble some other kids are getting into, a parent needs to be more accepting. Maybe even grateful to the child for not doing worse. Besides, a little disrespect is normal kid stuff. It will resolve with time. So goes the theory.

Such reasoning ignores the core question of parenthood: What kind of people do we want to raise? For the most part, a parent can raise kids who are “not on drugs” by holding to culturally average standards. To raise a child of exceptional virtue and character, however, almost always requires adhering to standards well above the group norm. In essence, the question for really good parents is not: “Is this behavior all that bad?” The question is: “Is this behavior all that good?”

Your friends are right in one sense. As kids get older, they become ever more skilled at walking a fine line between expressing themselves and showing disrespect. Four-year-olds have little finesse. When they're mad at us, the whole world knows. Fourteen-year-olds can be so smooth that an hour goes by before it clicks in that we have been “dissed.”

To determine whether or not it's wise to tolerate your youngsters' back-looks and covert commentary, try this test. For the next month, whatever your kids do to you, do the exact same thing to your best friend, your boss or your pastor. Anytime someone says something you disagree with, say, “Well, duh!” or “Yeah, right” or the more contemporary “Whatever.” At the end of the month, ask them what they think of the new you. See if they reply, “Well, at least you're not on drugs.”

You see, when removed from the context of “that's just what kids do,” the more harmless stuff doesn't seem so harmless. Certainly kids misbehave in lots of ways, big and small, because they're incompletely socialized human beings — aren't we all, really — but that doesn't make misconduct acceptable, much less right.

My advice? Let your children know in clear terms that any expression of condescension or disdain, no matter how slight or how cleverly masked, will not be overlooked. It will be disciplined. In so doing, you will be sending a not-so-subtle message: I love you way too much to allow you to act in ways that are not good for your character.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a father of 10, a psychologist and an author. He can be reached at www.DrRay.com.