FAMILY MATTERS

Our first child is 3 months old. I'm thrilled to be a father, but my wife is always so tired from nursing that our physical intimacy is suffering. Will it ever be like it was before children?

Here's the honest answer: No. It can be even better than before children — but probably not right away.

Scripture tells us that “for everything there is a season.” In this precious season of your life, which veteran parents agree is so fleeting, your energies will be focused on this new little one. Understand that your wife is being challenged like never before on every level — physical, emotional, spiritual. Nursing a newborn and adjusting to being a mom will test her endurance, patience, perseverance and strength.

Add to the mix that her hormone levels are careening all over the place since her labor and delivery. She has not had an uninterrupted night of sleep in at least six months, since she didn't sleep well during the pregnancy. It's very likely (and very normal) that, at night, your wife barely makes it into her pajamas before collapsing onto the bed, not even bothering with the covers. It's not that she doesn't love you; in fact, seeing you in your new role as a father has deepened her love for you in ways she didn't think possible. Quite simply, she is spent.

So what's a man to do? First, remember that your wife is making that “sincere gift of self” Pope John Paul II wrote about by sacrificing her body — dying to herself by giving herself over to the needs of her newborn. In these postpartum days, you too can make a sincere gift of self by accepting graciously that for right now, physical intimacy may not happen as frequently as you would hope. The sacrifice is a mutual one.

You can also shower her with affirmation and loving words. She needs it. She may be self-conscious about her post-pregnancy body, so tell her how beautiful she is. Give her lots of unsolicited physical affection: hugs, kisses, backrubs, foot massages. Show her you love her by your deeds: Amp up your work around the house. If you polled 1,000 women they would say unanimously that the most powerful aphrodisiac is a man cheerfully doing the dishes.

For any wives sneaking a peek, for your part you must understand how difficult this time is for your husband. God wired us differently. Physical intimacy is a real need for him. So you need to take concrete steps so that it can happen, even though you're exhausted.

We find that spontaneity is not the way to go. If you're just waiting to see if it will happen, it never will. So plan it out ahead of time so that you can be ready. Take a long nap with the baby during the day so that you won't be so tired.

Have a little coffee after dinner and then maybe a little wine as you snuggle and wind down while you watch TV. Do whatever it takes so that you can be present to your husband.

The good news is that your sweet baby is definitely worth any sacrifice, and this period of adjustment is just “for a season.” If you use it as a time to grow in virtue, then you'll emerge even more in love and more attuned to each other's needs.

And yes, physical intimacy can be better than before.

The McDonalds are family-life coordinators for the Diocese of Mobile, Alabama.