Family Matters

My 7-year-old son often puts himself down when he's disciplined, saying he's bad or stupid or making some other negative assessment of himself. How do I help him realize that he is a good boy but his behavior is wrong?

Keep disciplining him when he de -serves it.

Does that sound confusing? Let me elaborate. Not uncommonly, kids, particularly the younger ones, take discipline personally. They see it as a sign that they themselves are some kind of failure. Two factors most often explain this. One, little Serena is sensitive by nature, prone to reacting emotionally or quick to feel bad at disappointing others. Thus, some kids by their inborn wiring are more likely to equate bad behavior with bad self. Two, sadly, some parents do make discipline personal, attacking the child while disciplining the conduct.

I'm pretty confident your son is the former and you are not the latter. Why? Because you are concerned about his reaction and want to make things better. More often than not, nasty disciplinarians don't worry much about the effect of their style on the child.

No doubt you've told your son many times, “I love you. I just don't like your behavior.” And no doubt, so far at least, it seems to have had little effect. Is your son just too psychologically locked in to his self-disparagement to respond well to your repeated reassurance? I doubt it. For one thing, he is only 7. Not enough years have passed for him to understand that being disciplined is part of human existence. Even the “best” of people, little or big, get disciplined.

Then, too, the concept “you're good, but your behavior isn't” is a tough one to grasp. For centuries the brightest of philosophers have grappled with the question, “Is our behavior different than our self?” To expect a 7-year-old, even a really bright, philosophically sophisticated one, to comprehend that his mother will always love him no matter how he acts is to expect way too much of his young mind. Put simply, he just can't get this idea yet.

So back to my original advice: Keep disciplining him when he deserves it. One, with time he will more deeply realize how much his mother unconditionally loves him and that her acceptance of him doesn't drop because he acts like a kid. Two, even if for now he occasionally thinks less of himself, he'll see that his mother doesn't, and that will help stabilize his self-view, again over time. And three, it's not all bad to feel bad about certain behavior.

At the moment, your son's conscience might be overactive, but with your loving discipline, he'll most likely stabilize into a more realistic sense of self. A little legitimate guilt is a good thing. You don't want all of it to go away.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a father of 10, psychologist and author. He can be reached at www.drray.com.