FAMILY MATTERS

Disciplining my children — ages 6, 11 and 14 — is a lot harder than I ever imagined before I had kids. Can you offer any suggestions on ways to make it easier?

After nearly 25 years of shrinking — I used to be 6 feet, 9 inches tall — I have discovered only one absolutely foolproof method for disciplining children less. It works for all parents, all kids and all circumstances. To discipline a child less you must simply do one thing: Lower your standards.

If you're unwilling to do this — and I hope you are — then my response gets a little more complicated. Your question can be answered in many ways. Let me assume a few qualifications to narrow this column down.

First, by discipline you mean expectations and limits backed by consequences. So often, real discipline is confused with lots of words and emotions. No matter how much a parent talks, nags, negotiates, threatens, over-reasons and yells, he is not disciplining. He is frustrating himself and his child. Many think “discipline” is so hard because they aren't really disciplining. They are verbally and emotionally flailing in vain. That kind of “discipline” is real hard, and only gets harder over time.

Second, much of good parenting — sacrifice, supervision, perseverance, patience — is much harder than we imagined as pre-parents. The reality of the parenting journey is more demanding than most of us ever dreamed. So part of your experience is simply unavoidable reality. Blessedly, the rewards of parenting are also far greater than anything we could once imagine.

Now, on to making a hard reality softer.

First and foremost: Talk less, act more. In the short run, acting is harder than talking. In the long run, it's much, much easier. A parent who is willing to make whatever effort is necessary to hold a child accountable for his conduct saves a lot of future effort. To put it simply, discipline is easier if you work hard at it.

Next, act more quickly. If Angelica has been tormenting her brother, Rocky, for 29 minutes, and then, finally hitting your “I've had enough” point, you are emotionally moved to act, or (more accurately) react, you've made the whole scenario much more stressful than it needed to be. The same discipline enforced 27 minutes ago would have been easier on everybody.

Finally, don't take misconduct personally. No offense, but most of the time your kids are acting up, they are probably not even thinking of you. They're misbehaving out of impulse, immaturity or sneakiness. You're not their main focus. Later, if they're caught, you will be. But for now they are not misbehaving to get back at you, or to hurt you, or to worry you, or to frustrate you. No, most often they are acting out of kidhood, which is a partially socialized and partially moralized state.

The less you take kids’ behavior personally, the calmer you'll stay. And the calmer, the easier discipline is, as too much emotion complicates everything.

Our space here is far too short to cover all the many ways to make discipline easier. To elaborate on our beginning advice, there are actually two foolproof ways to make discipline effortless: Lower your standards to zero or have zero kids. Neither one is worth it.

For more of Dr. Ray Guarendi's wit and wisdom, visit DrRay.com.