The Secret Vatican Strategy to End...

At first, I couldn't figure it out. But now it is all clear to me. And I must say, the Pope and the Vatican are much, much cleverer than I ever gave them credit for.

You can't have missed it. The media was all over it. The mean ol' boys club at the Vatican was at it again, picking on a poor defenseless nun, again.

Sister Margaret Farley wrote a book way back in 2006. The Vatican, desperate for some female oppression, condemned her book. This was so unfair. I mean, all she did was try to pass off as Catholic the notion that masturbation is just peachy.

Why just this weekend at the Catholic Theological Society of America (CTSA) convention, Sr. Farley was greeted with a standing ovation. (Note to self, don't shake anyone's hand if you ever get invited to a CTSA event. Just pretend you have a cold.)

But if that weren't bad enough, I had to endure Sally Quinn at the WaPo defending Sr. Farley's overwhelming logic in defense of masturbation, too.

Is the human body not to be admired? Why shouldn’t our own bodies give us pleasure? The contorted thinking of these celibate men is causing the church to lose followers, including many women.

If only nun-turbation was allowed, the pews would be packed. I mean, I couldn't have come up with a better defense even if I were the third alternate on the Junior High debate team. There is just no arguing your way out of that. So after seven, or maybe eight, yeah I think it was eight fits of barfing, Sally said something that turned on the lightbulb.

Of course nobody had ever heard of the book when it came out but trust the Vatican to send the book on a “Fifty Shades of Grey” trajectory and land the book onto the bestseller list. Six years after it was published, they issued a statement condemning it.

So why would the Vatican give this attention to this book nobody ever heard of? Why would the Vatican create a firestorm in which nuns endorsing masturbation got all kinds of media attention?

And then it hit me!

Now if you were in the Vatican and you wanted to reduce the number of masturbators in the world, what would you do? How about creating a firestorm in which icky nuns talk openly and endorse masturbation? Have Sally Quinn write about the glories of masturbation?

After reading all this coverage, masturbation and vomiting uncontrollably will be forever linked in their minds. It is like "A Clockwork Orange," but for masturbators. Nobody who reads it will ever, EVER, masturbate again!! Genius!