Ten Reasons You Should Get a Dog, Like, NOW

1. Are you troubled with pesky food that lingers on the table for as long as microseconds after you are done eating it?  Or do you occasionally have to get up to go to the bathroom or something, and are dismayed to discover that, when you get back, your sandwich is still sitting on your plate, which is totally boring?  Dog.  Solved.

2. They lose their baby teeth, but nobody expects you to leave them a quarter.  Unless you want to find that quarter later, in the yard, in a somewhat different state.

3.You can be blisteringly sarcastic with them and not fret that you are warping their minds or skewing their perception of reality.  For dogs, there is but one reality:  MEAT.  Or kibble.  Or cold spaghetti, or egg shells, or coffee grounds, or toilet paper, or whatever.  Down the hatch.  Why?  Because obviously toilet paper is so delicious, and I totally wanted to have wet toilet paper and coffee grounds all over the floor when I'm trying to get ready to go.  Thanks, boy!  Awesome job!

See?  He's fine.

4. They can answer the phone for you.  Right?  I'm assuming my dog has been answering my phone.  He was expensive enough, sheesh.

5. Everyone else, even your ten-year-old son, who thinks maybe he will make a grilled cheese sandwich by draping cheese over the top of the toaster slots, looks so smart in comparison.  All you have to do is look deep into those googling, canine eyes and you will see the face of sheer idiocy.  This is somehow comforting. 

6. You can watch whatever you want on TV, and there will be no, "Ugh, does this have subtitles?" or "Is that the same guy that was in the airplane, or a different guy?" or "Pause it, I have to go baffwoom!"  Nope.  Just companionship, contentment, and maybe some evening gas.

7. When you are running late, they help you drive the van by sticking their big fat stupid heads under your knees and drooling on your feet.  Actually that doesn't help much.

8. Are your children feeling just a little too secure in their cushy, first world little life?  Introduce a healthy grain of sheer, unmitigated terror into their worlds with CAPTAIN BANANAS, seventy-five pounds of lithe, spastic, toothy, exuberant muscle and fur.  Nothing like it for keeping your kids on your toes.  Assuming you want your kids on their toes for some reason.

9.  Masks the kid smell with dog smell.  It's not that the dog smells good; but even people who have it really together can go, "Oh, I'm so sorry about Roscoe here!  He just loves to roll in rotten muskrat carcasses, and we didn't have a chance to hit the bath!"  When Roscoe is your toddler, this is not considered cute.  When Roscoe is a puppy, it's somehow fine.  Not fair, but why not exploit it?

10.  Dogs never, ever, ever want to talk about Pope Francis.