Live-in‘Friends'

Q Our collegiate daughter recently informed us that she and a male friend want to share an apartment to save money. She insists they're just friends. While we know she is well-intentioned, we know this isn't appropriate. We aren't sure how to articulate the argument.

A On the surface, this situation may not seem like a problem. After all, if Suzie is buddies with Annie, it would make sense for them to share a place together, especially if they need to save money for tuition, books and car insurance. So what if Suzie's buddy isn't Annie, but Andy? They're only friends, so what's the big deal?

At first, perhaps nothing. They will be friends and respect each other's space, as most new roommates do initially. As time passes, however, tensions invariably arise. Consider the very nature of a “home.” When we're in social situations, we dress, speak and act in particular ways—ways appropriate for those settings. When we have guests in our home, especially good friends, we loosen up a bit, still projecting at least a minimum level of decorum. Once all the guests are gone, we feel free to drop our guard and lounge around in our favorite pajamas or exercise in our skivvies. Unless the member of the opposite sex living in our house happens to be a member of our immediate family, it wouldn't be appropriate to do that in front of him or her.

With a roommate of the opposite sex, either we would never feel free to be our “at-home” selves or, more likely, we would eventually grow tired of maintaining decorum 24 hours a day and would finally get comfortable. Neither option is desirable.

Second, lots of best friends fall in love, even if they've just been buddies for years. Imagine if a young man and woman who are “just friends” begin to let their guard down around each other in the intimate setting of their home. If they develop feelings for each other, their living situation will artificially accelerate the process. The occasion of sin will not just be near—it will be banging down the door. If only one of them develops these feelings, things will get awkward fast.

In addition, suppose one roommate began dating. Would the boyfriend or girlfriend be ill at ease encountering that living situation? And how about the intimacies encountered through sharing a bathroom? The intimacies that develop from living together are best saved for a spouse.

Most important, we must ask what message we're sending to the world. Young lives are being devastated by a rejection of God's plan for sexuality. When practicing Catholics live together, even if nothing is going on, it serves to validate what our neighbors are doing—the one who do have something going on. After all, we can't march around with signs reading, “We're just friends.”

If finding an alternative living arrangement requires financial sacrifice, tell your daughter she will be all the better for it. God will surely honor that sacrifice.

The McDonalds are family life directors for the Archdiocese of Mobile, Alabama.

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