Pick Your Battles

Q

People often advise me: “Pick your battles with your children.” I'm not sure what this means or how to do it.

A

“Pick your battles” has become a parenting mantra among the experts — a cliché capable of being shaped into all sorts of meanings. Whether it's good for your childrearing or not depends on how you apply it.

At one level, I wholeheartedly agree with picking your battles. Much of what any child does that irks a parent is not wrong. It is not moral misconduct. It is kid junk, the stuff of childishness.

Let's say it is little Eve's bedtime. She complies without incident, but, while in bed, she softly talks to herself. Or she lies at the foot of the bed and makes up a hand-puppet play. She's not being bad or unruly; she's just adding her own brand of kidhood to make a bad situation (bedtime) better. Perhaps, however, her creativity gets enthusiastic enough to wake her baby brother. You tell her to settle down and she doesn't. Now you have to act.

A personal scenario. Sometimes, while riding in our van, several of our children, usually the younger and most tone-deaf, decide to sing. In itself, this would be tolerable. But they all sing different songs, with made-up words, in poor timing and with gusto. The sounds they make grate on our ears, but the kids aren't doing anything wrong — at least for the first 36 seconds or so. They're just being kids and, sometimes, kids do bizarre things. But, if we ask them to tone it down or stop altogether so we can converse without shouting, they'd better. Not only for our sanity, but to show respect. We as parents have a right to put a ceiling on the chaos, harmless though it may be.

There is one meaning of “pick your battles” that drastically undercuts good parents trying to raise great kids. It is this: Stand firm on the major moral stuff, but be flexible on the minor moral stuff, especially if your youngster is overall a pretty good kid.

Suppose your 13-year-old son, Sting, wants to attend a rock concert with his buddy, Ringo. You're against it. He's too young, there is no adult supervision and the music scene is just too crazy today. Now some experts (probably those without 13-year-olds) would advise: Find a compromise. Don't strive for unconditional victory because Sting could just resent you or fight back harder. Let him go if he takes a cell phone and checks in with you. Maybe here you do want to be rigid. Your child's character or moral protection is involved; therefore, the battle is important. Okay, by today's standards, the concert is relatively benign. The group, “Kids in Charge,” has had only two minor felonies and a pending drug probe. Again, some experts would say: Negotiate.

This expert's advice? Where your child's morals are at stake, if someone advises you to “pick your battles,” ignore him.

One last salvo. When you pick your battle, don't battle. Stand confident and strong. Enforce your decisions with love and discipline, not arguing, lectures and nagging. The quicker the “battle” is over, the better for all. And the fewer battles you will confront in the future, as your child learns clearly where the moral line is drawn.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is the father of 10, a psychologist and an author. He can be reached at www.kidbrat.com

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