Tantrum Trouble

Q My son is 4 years old. He's very lovable, but he has a temper that is explosive. I think his anger goes beyond normal bounds. He throws at least one tantrum a day. We're looking for ideas.

A Peak temper tantrum years are commonly held to lie between ages 2 and 6. By that standard, your son is smack in his prime.

Actually, temper tantrums can erupt at any time in childhood, or, for that matter, at any time in adulthood.

The underlying emotions—frustration and anger—are the same across all ages. The tantrum itself is what changes. A 15-year-old may not fling herself to the floor, flail all body parts in opposing directions, choke back her breath, and wildly punch the air or herself. (I said, “may not.”) But as any parent of an adolescent can witness firsthand, older kids are quite capable of their own brand of temper display.

Your worry that your son's anger isn't normal is understandable, especially if you have to mimic a tornado drill during his tirades. Rest assured, your son is not abnormal.

First of all, he averages only a few blow-ups per day. Regularly I see children who throw fits almost as naturally as they breathe, and they suffer from nothing psychologically out of whack. They just let their anger loose too often and too spectacularly, and they need to be taught some self-control.

Second, by their nature temper tantrums can appear bizarre, even scary. Storm's spine is twisting into the letter “Q.” Her eyes are darting independently toward her ears. Sounds never before recorded in nature are bursting from her mouth. Standard parental reaction to this level of emotional convulsion is something like, “I know kids get mad, but this is not nomal.”

Yes, it is.

Never have I seen a child emotionally scarred from a prolonged temper outburst. Anger itself causes no psychological damage; nor does it automatically indicate any. On the other hand, I have seen many children whose temper has become more regular and intense because it succeeded in manipulating shell-shocked adults to yield to childish demands.

Certainly, expressing anger or feelings is not unhealthy. How it's expressed is what needs to be dealt with. Children need to learn to express emotions constructively and with some diplomacy.

Screeching like an air-raid siren, spitting, biting chairs and swinging at anything within arm's reach are not choice ways for anyone, even little kids, to win friends and influence people. The younger a child when he is taught this, the easier the teaching will be on him and his parents, not to mention the rest of the world.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a clinical psychologist, speaker, and author of You're A Better Parent Than You Think! And Back to the Family.