My husband has a job he really likes, but he doesn't make enough money to keep our family supplied with some things we really need. This causes me, a stay-at-home mom, great stress. What can you suggest?

Dr. Patrick Divietri, a guest on a radio show I host, says that all money problems are value problems. What do you value the most in family life? That's where the money, time and passion should go.

Your happiness, your husband's job satisfaction and the children's well-being are all critical to the functioning of your family. These concerns must be discussed in detail. Take your husband to a restaurant where you have his undivided attention. After a couple of snifters, bring out the yellow pad and pen. Each of you write down the five to eight things you value most, in order of importance.

If job satisfaction is, let's say, No. 6 on your husband's list, then everything above that would be a higher value to him. And if he is not able to serve those other values properly because of a measly salary, you might ask him if he's really satisfied when other valuable things seem neglected. You might also ask if he is really satisfied with his work — or if he might be mistaking comfort and complacency for satisfaction. Is he stretching himself to grow as the family grows? How does his job impact the happiness of the whole family? These are fair questions, though they should be approached with a tone of inquiry and not interrogation.

Then present your list, exploring your own happiness as a stay-at-home parent.

We know that Christ wants us to live up to our responsibilities, and he wants us to be filled with joy (see John 15:11). Too often, we are tempted to settle for one or the other. We're content, but we're also shirking some responsibilities. Or we're responsible but grumpy.

Studies have shown that men tend to measure success in terms of individual achievement, not as the result of interdependent collaboration. And men tend to look at individual satisfaction instead of looking at how actions impact relationships.

Other research shows that a mother who is struggling with financial strain all the time can resemble a depressed person in the way she parents (being either harshly punitive or indifferent about the same behaviors). Financial stress needs to be addressed, too, assuming the stress is not a product of consumerism gone wild. Money should not be high on the value list except as a means to attain things you value more. If God is No. 1 on your list, then tithing is consistent. If the kids' education is higher, you may need to spend more there.

Regularly meeting to discuss the most important values in your life is deeply enriching for a marriage. Sharpen the pencils and communicate about the common ground of shared values to motivate one another to be more supportive — and happier.

Art Bennett is director of Alpha Omega Clinic and Consultation Services in Vienna, Virginia, and Bethesda, Maryland.

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