Years ago, when Catholics tied the knot with their sweet valentine, that knot stayed tied forever. Today, Catholic marriages tell a different story.

The divorce rate among Catholics stands nearly the same as the general public. This means 35% of those who said “I do” at the altar have walked away from their marriages.

What does this indicate?

I think it shows that many Catholics have absorbed secular ideas about marriage and the family. As a consequence, many Catholics no longer see divorce as the worst thing that could happen to a family. In fact, some Catholics think a number of good things can come out of a divorce. The emergence of a divorce mentality among Catholics comes from a few unchallenged ideas accepted as true. Let’s take a closer look at these ideas to see if they speak the truth about the reality of divorce.

For a start, many think the “practice makes perfect” principle can apply to marriage. In other words, if your first marriage flopped, the second or third will likely succeed. After all, people learn from their mistakes. True? Not so, says Dr. Andrew Cherlin in his book Marriage, Divorce, Remarriage.

Cherlin’s detailed study shows the divorce rate of remarriages climbed much higher than first marriages. The “practice makes perfect” principle applied to marriage doesn’t work well. To trade in one spouse for another will not solve the common problems faced in married life. Keep the spouse you have.

To guarantee the success of a marriage, many say living together before marriage will reduce the chances of divorce. Those that favor cohabitation say this offers couples a wonderful opportunity to know one another well before tying the knot forever. To many, this makes sense.

Yet the facts suggest that cohabitation doesn’t prepare couples well for a permanent marriage. Numerous studies find that those living together before marriage have a much higher chance of divorcing than those who don’t. Why? Alfred DeMaris and K. Vaninadha Rao explain in their book Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Instability in the United States: A Reassessment that those willing to cohabit tend to view relationships as temporary. This mentality fosters in people an attitude more conducive to divorce. Living together may work well for couples on television but not in real life.

People once thought children couldn’t handle the divorce of their parents. That has changed. Everyone still believes divorce affects children aversely but not that much. After all, we now have in this country an entire generation of adults that come from broken homes. They seem normal enough, don’t they?

 Despite this assumption, studies continue to confirm that divorce increases the risk of interpersonal problems in children. Furthermore, we now have long-term empirical research that shows children struggle with problems resulting from divorce into adulthood.

For example, marriages of the children of divorce have a far higher rate of divorce than the marriages of children from unbroken homes. The main reason for this, according to a recent study, is that children learn from what they see. For children of divorce families, divorce undermines the sense of marital commitment or permanence for them.

What a sad legacy for children of divorce families to bear. In spite of our culture’s accepting attitude toward divorce, it remains a grave moral disorder. I think married couples should take a few preventive steps to safeguard their marital commitment.

To begin, both spouses in a marriage should maintain always the will to remain married. When someone regrets a certain decision or wishes he had made a better choice, he normally does nothing wrong. That’s not the case with marriage. When a couple consents to marriage and consummates their union, their marriage becomes an objective reality.

In other words, its reality doesn’t depend on the couple’s will or feelings for one another. Since only death can sever their union, spouses should make an unwavering effort to love one another always.

During my pastoral experience, I have heard expressions like “I love him, but I’m not in love with him” or “How I wish I were a widow.” Avoid such thinking. It lays the groundwork for infidelity, and it’s contrary to the marriage bond. Remember, the will to remain married ensures the permanence of the union.

Next, spouses should remember that marital love demands intimate friendship. The common good of marital friendship is the friendship itself. It finds fulfillment in being a friend and having a friend.

Marital friendship goes beyond fairness, to a total generosity that doesn’t keep count of costs and benefits. This type of mutual self-giving will seek each other’s complete good. To keep this intimate friendship afloat requires constant effort. This effort will keep the love between spouses alive.     

The final step toward perseverance in marriage requires that spouses learn how to forgive one another. Mistakes occur even in the best of relationships. When they do happen, forgiveness offers the best solution for a relationship to go forward. Nothing good comes from holding grudges or constantly bringing up past faults. Let it go. It only makes things worse. Forgiveness entails asking pardon, pardoning one another and putting disagreements in the past.

On Valentine’s Day this year, may spouses everywhere recall those words they promised at the altar of the Lord: “I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”

Legionary Father Andrew McNair is

a theology professor at Mater Ecclesiae

College in Greenville, Rhode Island.