Dear Parents,

As a priest who has long been in the ministry of forming young people, parents often ask me how they can form their children for holy purity.

In our dissipated and confused age, the question has become urgent both for your family and for the Church. Young people, including the seminarians with whom I’ve worked for years, swim in waters polluted by the debris of cultural upheavals that happened decades before they were born. The impressive young men in the seminary are not immune from the struggles of their peers; nor, by extension, is anyone else.

You know what your children are up against: the encroachment of devices, the aggressive tactics of social media, the black hole of the gaming culture and, most of all, the toxic allure of pornography. You know it but perhaps are not sure what to do about it. I’d like to offer some words of counsel and then some time-tested ways to protect your child’s heart.

First the counsel, and it comes down to this: We do well to respect our opponents; respect in the way we respect sharp knives and loaded pistols. It is a salutary fear, an awareness of their strength. The simple fact is that there is a well-paid army of slick marketers, IT professionals and psychologists bent on obtaining one thing: your child’s attention.

A former Silicon Valley executive called ours an “attention economy,” and, he continued, “it is a race to the bottom of the brainstem.” Money is made — lots and lots of money is made — by the shiniest new things, the loudest voices, the shrillest arguments, and the most arresting images.

Those people have much more time with your child than you do, many more resources at their disposal, and are without scruple. One mom told me that she recently discovered that her daughter had hidden a social-media app on her tablet by disguising it as a calculator icon. There is an option in that particular app to change its icon into something more innocuous so that users, many of whom are children, can hide it from others — such as their parents. That is what I mean by “without scruple.”

So much for counsel — or perhaps warning. What do we have on our side? We have two very formidable weapons: your parental love, the strongest and most powerful love this side of heaven, and God’s grace. Together, those two can take on any army of marketers and IT experts and psychologists.

Still, there is work to be done to win the battle for your child’s heart. I’d like to propose three suggestions: one about conversations, one about screens, and one about your child’s imagination.

Regular, positive and honest conversations are essential. I have found that even children of loving, Catholic parents often have not heard enough about the beauty of chastity or real threats to holy purity. You are the primary educators of your children. This, of all things, cannot be outsourced to anyone, even the most solidly Catholic school.

Start talking with your children early — much earlier than you may think. Studies estimate the average age of first exposure to pornography to be anywhere from 9 to 12 years old, so you should be talking with them well before that.

At young ages, help your child name body parts in age-appropriate ways, discuss where babies come from, and welcome brief, unscripted conversations and questions throughout childhood and adolescence. Have serious sit-down conversations every six months or so, simple conversations that are not embarrassing or awkward or rushed. Foster a culture of sincerity in the home, where children are unafraid to bring up anything that is on their minds.

Learn how to talk about chastity in a rich and human way. It is not just about restraint, or rules, or to avoid pregnancy, or disease, or ruining their future. Chastity is the power to love well, body and soul. It integrates our sexuality into our whole person. It shows us that sex is good but sacred. Chastity is a powerful and beautiful virtue and one of the great goods of life, one that is completely worth the price.

If you are uncertain how to speak about chastity in this positive way, find good resources that will give you the language and tools to do so. Trusted family, friends, authors and apostolates are good sources of suggestions. Collaborate with like-minded parents in your parish to learn from and reinforce each other.

My second suggestion is about screens. I got my first BB gun when I was 11 years old. My father took that opportunity to teach me about gun safety: how to load it, keep it safe, and use it properly. He taught me muzzle control and trigger discipline and to always treat it as if it were loaded.

That is how we need to treat smartphones. They are dangerous tools that can seriously hurt people and should not be left lying around for anyone to accidentally “fire” them. They can be given only to older and more mature children who must be taught how to use them safely.

Several ideas follow. Social media, if permitted at all, should only be allowed late in adolescence, perhaps a year or two before they leave home. In addition, there should be regular physical separation between children and devices.

Bedrooms, for instance, should be completely screen-free at all times. Ideally, screens should only be accessed in public spaces like the living room or the kitchen table. There should also be periods of the day when children are not behind a screen at all.

Finally, you must know what your children are consuming. Tools like Covenant Eyes can help, together with spot-checking their app usage. Reviewing group chats (which might be on several platforms) will also give you a sense of how your children are using technology and interacting with their friends.

My third suggestion is about your child’s imagination. The battle for your child’s heart is really a battle for his or her imagination. Regulated properly, screens can be used for recreation, but they should not be your child’s (or anyone’s) default way to have fun.

Screens are two-dimensional, and children need contact with genuine three-dimensional reality. This can take any number of forms: hikes, sports, board games, books, cooking, music, historical sites — anything that fosters curiosity and activity outside of the digital world.

Screen usage as a family — for instance, a family movie night — allows parents to establish parameters and to set an example for the responsible use of these technologies. Watching a movie and then having a lively conversation about it shows children that technology can be used in more human ways.

A few final points. Virtues rise and fall together. Your efforts to foster self-restraint in your children, such as governing their impulses around food, anger and technology, will yield fruit in this struggle for chastity. Those daily sacrifices to instill virtue will make a huge difference.

In addition, nurturing your children’s interior life through the sacraments and personal and family prayer will be an invaluable source of strength for them. Taking children to adoration, even for a few minutes a week, or simply making regular visits to the Blessed Sacrament in your parish church, can yield tremendous spiritual fruit.

Lastly, your spousal relationship is of the greatest importance in the formation of chastity. Parents uniquely model respect and love between men and women. Boys, in particular, learn how girls should be treated by watching how Dad treats Mom; girls also observe how they should be treated by boys.

It is a difficult but supremely important task in any age, especially our own, to raise children who are able to embrace the beautiful virtue of chastity as they grow through adolescence. It is difficult, but worth it. In the seminary I have served hundreds of young men who aspire to holy purity, many whose family backgrounds have prepared them well to embrace chaste celibacy. I can attest that these suggestions work!

You have the opportunity to give your children one of the greatest gifts they will ever receive: a clean and loving heart capable of giving itself to others, above all their Father in heaven. “Blessed are the pure of heart,” Our Lord said, “for they shall see God.” As your children grow up, they will realize that you have given them the capacity to love well. There is no greater gift that you can give.