The announcement from the University of Arizona women’s basketball coach, Becky Burke, that she and her female partner were expecting a baby, illustrates a pattern I’ve seen repeatedly over the years of debating the marriage issue. 

Advocates of “gay marriage” refuse to engage with the significant consequences of redefining marriage and parenthood. Instead, they change the subject from facts to feelings. They hope no one notices the weighty policy issues that are at stake. 

But this particular episode is different. The issues at stake are not academic debating points, but the lives of particular children. 

Katy Faust is the founder of Them Before Us, a children’s rights organization. She kickstarted the controversy by responding to the lesbian birth announcement.

I’ve spoken to and/or cataloged the stories of more than 100 children with same-sex parents. These two children will likely: 

— Hunger for paternal love, gravitate toward coaches, and overstay their welcome at the homes of friends who have dads. Some will be so desperate for male connection that they become easy targets for predators. 

— Feel guilty for wanting a dad in a community that endlessly repeats that they are ‘so lucky to have two mothers.’ 

— Struggle with questions of identity, wondering whether every man they pass on the street could be their father. 

— Wrestle with questions of self-worth: Why didn’t my father want me? Why did he sell me? And when these children are sad, angry, or struggling, our culture and courts will tell them that the loss of their father was the price of admission for a new adult ‘civil right.’

Now, whether you agree with the use of donor sperm or not, I hope you can admit that these are serious issues and worthy of serious discussion. 

Here is Coach Burke’s reply: 

Let me be VERY clear. Our announcement is about something much bigger than us. Representation matters. Visibility matters. As a public figure, I take great pride in representing my community and helping create that visibility. Our announcement is for people who have spent years wondering whether a future like this was possible for them. It’s about showing people in our community that families like ours exist, and they are real and that they deserve to be celebrated too.

Do you notice anything about this statement? She offers not one word about the very real concerns Mrs. Faust raises. Issues of identity and belonging. Issues of loss, abandonment and confusion. Burke’s response is solely about how members of the gay community will feel. No thought at all for the feelings of the children of donor conception, two of whom are her very own children. 

Thanks to the 2015 Obergefell v. Hodges decision that redefined marriage and the state laws implementing it, Burke and her partner will have undisputed parental rights to these children. If Faust’s sad predictions are borne out, Burke and her partner will have to deal with the kids’ grief and loss. If she had said, “Yes, Mrs. Faust, we’ve considered those issues, and we’re confident everything will be okay,” you might think she’s underestimating the problems. But at least that would acknowledge that problems are possible. The statement she actually made shows not one hint of a clue.

Over the years of debating the issue of marriage, I’ve observed this pattern many times. We wanted to talk about the meaning and purposes of marriage, how marriage attaches mothers and fathers to their children and to one another, how redefining marriage would inevitably redefine parenthood.

My opponents only wanted to talk about two things. No. 1: How will gay people feel? No. 2: Just how mean are you anyway, Dr. Morse? 

Becky Burke’s response to Katy Faust follows exactly this script. Change the subject away from children and their needs. Focus solely on adults and their feelings. And of course, let’s talk about how hateful you are. Because you couldn’t possibly have any valid reasons for opposing something so obviously good as genderless marriage. Hate is the only possible explanation for your resistance.

So, let’s get back to the subject: the kids. Not anonymous abstract children. But these particular children. 

To Becky Burke, I have something to say that I hope you will take to heart. Your children will not be babies forever. Someday they will grow up. They will have ideas and personalities of their own. I hope you and your partner will deal with whatever they feel. I hope your kids will be able to say what they might need to say to you. 

Words like: “Mom, it was awful for me when I saw other kids with fathers and wished I had a dad.” Or, “Mom, I really wonder where I got my freckles (or my smile or whatever) since no one in this family is like that.” Or, “Mom, it pains me to think of the frozen embryos you didn’t implant.” 

Maybe your family will get lucky and your kids won’t feel these or the other things donor-conceived children so often report. You hope they won’t. Actually, I hope so too, for their sakes. But we cannot know that in advance. I hope your family system will have room for your kids to express their thoughts and feelings, whatever they may prove to be. 

In the meantime, please know that a lot of us are praying for them and for you, and yes, for your whole community. This is not going to be as easy as you think.