Great post Simcha.  Frail, broken, and wounded, we must enter Moria, “Speak, friend, and enter.”

Thank you!  I’ll only add - “Know your audience”.  This simple adage is the best advice you give to anyone giving a speech, writing a blog, a book and, even, yes when sitting at the local coffee cafe.
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And, if you want to talk about anything Catholic knowing if your ‘audience’ even knows what Catholic means is the first key and then finding out how they feel about us is a close second.
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We can think everyone ‘knows’ what the Church teaches about being open to life but too many (Catholic included) think it is all about the babies, or an instant agreement to have dozens of children.
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Worse yet, they might be reminded of their dear old Irish aunt who endured abuse at the hand of her husband and the silent acceptance of that same abuse from neighbors and the local priest while she had a baby every year will come to mind.  This aunt might not even exist but be only be a lousy movie caricature they once saw but that aunt will be lingering in the back of the mind of your friend, or stranger or family member.
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But, don’t let that keep you from entering into the conversation.  Asking some questions always helps rather than just providing all the answers.  See what they know, what they think and, especially, what THEY are afraid of when it comes to abandoning contraception.  Do it with charity and humility and you will be surprised what might happen.

Regardless of the “messiness” keep the lines of communication open.

This approach is so, so good about all of marriage, and for talking about the Christian faith in general.

Also, asking someone else about their beliefs, and then asking further questions is one of the best ways to discover why another person believes what they do . . . It is very honoring, and it also helps them be more receptive to hearing your opinions.  I’m thinking of a woman I know whose objections to NFP were fear-based:  her own mother had 6 children, and told them she wished they’d never been born, among other things.  That goes a long way to explaining why she was so committed to having only 2 or 3 children.

I have stopped the conversation in it’s tracks by asking what the heck is so “liberated” and so woman centered about putting artificial hormones in your system?  About making birth control the woman’s responsibility?  It seems to me a frickin’ no brainer that NFP is the true liberation, the true woman centered way to plan your family.  It requires participation (and self control) by the male partner, it does not require any artificial anything and it has the added by product of letting a woman get in tune with her body.
How could this be anything but a good thing?

Simcha,

This piece of yours has brought me much peace. Recently a beloved protestant friend of mine approached me to tell me that my emails I’ve sent to her about NFP/Birth Control have made her uncomfortable. While my initial (internal) reaction may sound something like, “Well.. truth can be uncomfortable…Deal with it” It gave me the opportunity to assess HOW I’m sharing the good news about NFP, and my intentions. Your post here pretty much summed up the experience. And I find consolation when you say that this is a messy process and we have to go through it. Amen. And in the midst of it all, with the help of His grace, we will learn to love radically and share Mercy.

While it’s a subtle distinction, and I haven’t thought this through for more than the 3 minutes and 43 seconds it took me to read the article and comments, I wonder if we don’t need to approach the discussion from another angle.

I think we should start with the idea that we are discussing married sexuality—what it’s for (as you said), what the ideal is according to the teaching of the Church. The reason I say this is that NFP is just an ancillary topic. So, if you talking about cooking, say, you don’t necessarily begin with stoves. Now, most people in this day and age will use a stove to cook, but not everyone, and it’s even really necessary to have a stove. (I know this a terribly analogy, but I have to get back to work.)

So, in the end, you might have the exact same conversation, but in your mind, you are looking at a different goal. Hopes this makes some sense.

AMDG, Janet

I have a friend who is a fallen away Catholic who was incredulous and tried to insist that I was coloring the NFP issue with my own thoughts. I said, “The Church teaches that babies are a gift, which means you can neither refuse them nor demand them. You don’t have to try to conceive anytime you’re fertile, but if you do get pregnant, that child is a gift, not a betrayal.” Her husband had a vasectomy, and lots of her friends have used IVF. She could not believe that IVF was wrong, since they “want babies, isn’t that what you guys want?” Again: we don’t get to grab gifts out of God’s hands. I think it planted a seed though, ultimately she retreated to think, rather than disavowing the thought entirely.

I really like Rachel’s advice of asking more questions and not just jumping ahead with all the answers.  I’m going to try to incorporate that bit of wisdom into my own conversations. :)

We all just went to Mass last Sunday—Mercy Sunday—and doubtless saw St. Faustina’s painting of Christ. And at the bottom we all saw written “Jesus, I trust in you.” But how many of us trust Him in any important decision—number of children, how we spend our money, choice of career, educating our children? For Western Civilization, and in particular Americans, the emphasis on the individual and personal freedom seems antithetical to Christ’s call to us.

Birth control is definitely not the real question.This is all about conversion. For some it comes easily and quickly. For most of us it’s a life-long struggle. Trust in Christ is absolutely radical and absolutely necessary to salvation. It’s more than the Nicene Creed and more than following the commandments. And it’s more than good works. Christ’s love demands surrender to His will.

I agree with Rachel, ask questions, especially about their fears.  Fear is usually at the root.  Beyond that, say the truth with charity and let the Holy Spirit do the rest. He invites, and they either accept or reject.  It is not our job to convert everyone.  In my almost 28 years of following the church’s teaching on contraception, I’ve given official presentations and had casual conversations.  I have no idea how many have turned to God because of something I’ve said, but I suspect that a stable marriage with great kids has done most of the converting.

“The Church teaches that babies are a gift, which means you can neither refuse them nor demand them. You don’t have to try to conceive anytime you’re fertile, but if you do get pregnant, that child is a gift, not a betrayal.”—Very well put, thank you.  And I agree, too, that asking questions is an important piece.  There are a LOT of women on birth control for a LOT of reasons.  There are a LOT of men who contracept, also for a LOT of reasons.  I think trying to understand where the other person is coming from is a necessary component of the conversation.  More importantly, I think that NFP—like marriage and abortion—is an issue that requires a transformation of the heart, one person at a time, and isn’t something that will gain widespread acceptance through purely academic or legislative means (though those components may come).

As Dennis said, *conversion* is the heart of the matter.  As many of us recognize and have experienced; this might just take some time.  It is not something that can be compartmentalized either.  It is a whole ethic toward life, and each other.

Hm… as an unmarried single virgin discerning whether marriage is my calling or not, what I took away from this is that a married, sexual relationship is as messy as having a conversation about NFP with someone on the opposite side. All I can say is: yikes!

It might be helpful if the Catholic Church had more of these conversations, must less having them with other Christians and/or the secular world. I know one family in real life, one, that practices NFP. I still have all kinds of questions and concerns about using NFP since I have entered the Church; I know the teachings but who do I talk to about the concerns and doubts that come up? Certainly not to my priest that told me it’s okay to use contraception.

@Considering marriage—well, yes: yikes! Marriage requires love, humor, compassion, and an overarching commitment to “we” over “me”. It’s not always a cakewalk, and nobody gets it right all the time, every time. So it’s not for the faint of heart. :J But those are the things that make you a better and deeper human being for it. At the risk of cliche, NO calling in life is for the faint of heart. That’s why, whatever we do, we walk in faith, hope, and love.
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As for me, after 43 years of marriage—which ended last with my wife’s passing last year, much, much too soon—I know (and I hope you can believe) that I would do it all again in a heartbeat. And pray for the grace to do it better, and for the gift of twice the time to do it in.
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You have your own path to walk, and I wish you a wise and discerning heart to do it. We’re all on your side.

@considering marriage, before you even worry abut NFP, there are a few things you should consider,(I don’t know how old you are, if you are a man or a woman, and have experienced love and courtship at all)...but if you find yourself falling in love with someone, remember to imprint a few things on your memory:  Courtship is forever.  Things will “heat up” but not always in the pleasurable way.  As the “difficulty level” goes up, (and there’s nothing like a beautiful little baby to do that)remember that your husband or your wife needs you to “court” them more than ever.  “courtship” sounds complicated, but it’s really just the little things in life.  The practice of getting out of bed in the morning, getting on one’s knees, and saying “serviam” sets the tone for one’s work day, but *before* this, a tender caress (or better!) and most importantly a *smile* for the one you love, and an extra moment of eye contact before anything else, sets the tone for *happy* self donation.  The ensuing day, no matter how frustrating or complicated, should yield at least a moment or two to “reconnect”.  A tender “I love you” might be all it takes, but it makes the other feel wanted and appreciated, and yes guys, this is the *best form of foreplay*.  As the day ensues, we become more worn out, kids do too, (and generally have less self control) so yes, even with the best of intentions and preparations, things can get messy.  Our spouse should be a source of relief from this, but no, no, *not* reduced to just a pressure relief valve.  This form of utilitarianism is a passion-killer.  Did you know that the brain lights up more with a *passionate kiss* than even sex?  Pregnancy never happens from a lingering kiss, but kisses are the barometer of a healthy love affair.  So “considering marriage”, as many of our grandparents would say, “don’t put the cart before the horse” and remember that a healthy relationship will set the stage for discussing and then possibly practicing NFP successfully.

@karyn: I’m sorry that priest wasn’t well informed, and glad you knew better. You can learn more about the Creighton Method System and NaProTechnology by searching on the Internet and contacting your nearest FertilityCare Center. The community there will be happy to help. And welcome home!
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@Considering Marriage: What Peter and Anna Lisa said, seconded by this delighted bride of 33 months. Are we understanding your comment correctly, that the notion of marriage as messy can be intimidating?

I really loved your article and to make sure I can review it later, I copied it as a Word Document. And then “spell-check” kicked in! They were just silly things, like a word typed twice… a letter transposed. I didn’t ever noticed them as I read it - but then the squiggly red underlines flashed a spotlight on them…

So just a word from a follower and admirer: Spell Check is your friend. Use it!!

@Dennis, Thank you for that, it really spoke to me today!  We do practice NFP and I have been trying to pray the Divine Mercy “Jesus, I trust in you,” more, but as I have been struggling lately to be open to our plan to welcome more children (as our 3yo and 1yo seem overwhelming sometimes) it’s good to keep that focus on trusting in Christ as we discern.

I’m wondering how often this subject comes up in people’s everyday lives?    I think I’ve probably talked about it a handful of times in my whole life with people who aren’t my husband.    And it was because they brought up the conversation of artificial birth control, so I’d mention that my husband and I don’t use it.    And then there’d be a very minor conversation that ensued.    I can’t imagine bringing up this topic and then asking people probing questions about it.    It’s not really my business and isn’t it wrong to assume any given Catholic couple is living outside the Church? 
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That said, my husband and I always believed that sex was essentially procreative in nature.  After being married a few years and using condoms during those early years, we decided that it was wrong to be deliberately disobedient to the Church and we switched to NFP.  Maybe I’m not a good spokesperson for NFP because I don’t intellectually or spiritually see any great difference between NFP and condoms?  I know people are going to reply that the condoms put a barrier between my husband and me, and I concede that’s a physical truth.  But using NFP didn’t change our relationship or our outlook on life in any quantifiable way.  We had both planned and unplanned kids with each method.
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So when I hear couples expounding on the beauty of NFP and how much better their relationship is or how difficult it can be, etc., etc., it just feels a little icky to me.  Like more than I wanted to know about that particular couple’s private life.  (And thank you internet, for the relative anonymity that allows me to state what I really think).

@Eileen. Other than intimate discussions with close girlfriends, I don’t recall bringing the topic up. But I will say I end up discussing NFP all of the time. I have 9 children and strangers seem perfectly fine with questioning me about my sex life. Are they all yours? Are you going to have more?  Do you know how that happens?  Instead of responding with a snarky comment (which is always very tempting) I smile and explain that God is in control. Also I suffered with infertility and found NFP to be very empowering to resolve my health issues and become acutely aware of my own health issues.  Not icky at all;-)

Thank you for the encouragement! And yes, MrsSheepcat, I am intimidated by the seeming messiness of marriage. Marriage seems to hold a lot of variables that could turn out to be negative. I feel like the best way to prepare is to be aware of every bad possibility that might arise. I’m not sure how wise this is, but it’s where I’m at in my discernment process. Peter, I’m so sorry for the loss of your wife. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Anna Lisa, this is what I plan to do if I ever get married, so it’s good to know I’m thinking along the right lines. :)

There is SO much wisdom here. I feel like I have been every person in this post in the past 3 months.  I keep praying for that perfect message that will work on every person - all the time. That will be true, nuanced, sensitive, compassionate, personalized, authentic, humble, yet courageous… instead, it’s kind of a mess. At least I know I’m not the only one struggling with this.

Ah, thank you for this!  I read that article from the Post last night and was furious.  I roared at my husband, “They took quotes out of context.  The author is not reporting the truth and is misrepresenting Church teaching.  Gahhh, this is just awful.  How does this garbage get printed?  I’m writing a letter to the editor!!!” And his simple reply was, “What do you expect from the secular media.”  We are at times definitely talking past one another when it comes to topics like these.  It is very easy to become frustrated and just storm off (or away from the computer).  But you are right, these conversations need to be had and they need to be done in love.  Sometimes I find myself shouting and getting angry, can that be love?  I mean, I often get angry at my son and I definitely love him…  ;)  I guess I’ll keep praying for wisdom.  (Story of my life here!)  Thank you as always for your writing Simcha.  :)

@Considering marriage:
Wow, do I understand your “yikes.” I, too, once tried to prepare for all contingencies. I thought that was the way to avoid pain, but it made me seek self-reliance when instead I really needed to trust in the Lord. Two of the best pieces of advice I received were 1) that I would know I was called to marriage when someone specific called me; and 2) that I needed to stop looking for the right man, and focus on being the right woman. If I was meant to be married, that would make it easier for my future husband to find me. These things were hard to hear and harder to apply.
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I remember, as an unmarried virgin, unsuccessfully trying to work my way through Mutuality: The Human Image of Trinitarian Love by Sr Mary Timothy Prokes. The book was excellent, but when I was confronted with surrendering myself to my likely vocation, I worried I would be overwhelmed and lose myself. I very much felt drawn to marriage, yet I was afraid. I hadn’t been raised with a good example of Christian marriage, and I was an undergrad before I got to know a couple I would be willing to emulate. (My parents divorced, and over time I deeply renewed my relationships with both of them as individuals.) I benefited from a variety of healing opportunities, not least with some very good religious sisters who were good at forming people in different states of life.
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Ultimately I married a great gift from God. He’s a man with an unusual conversion story which, we feel, obliges us in gratitude to be public witnesses and to share in the Church’s care of souls. So we’re pretty much guaranteed ongoing encounters with “messy processes” in our own journey of discipleship and in pastoral care settings. But whatever the vocation, to the extent that we shrink from messiness we limit our growth in sanctity. The more any of us succeed in offering the true gift of self—in giving and receiving in vulnerability—the more we become what we are. “Whoever seeks to gain his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it” (Luke 17:33).
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If you’re called to marriage, ideally you and your future spouse would have optimal recourse to the Sacraments, a shared understanding of Ephesians 5, and good mentoring from your extended family or parish or lay group; you would perceive each other as being on the “same side.” Even then—especially then—you could expect a married, sexual relationship to be *messier* than “having a conversation about NFP with someone on the opposite side.” That’s because you’d both be fallen, broken, sinful humans, yet your task would be to reflect Christ and His Bride. You’d be aiming for intimacy at multiple levels, simultaneously. If you two learned, for instance, about Creighton / NaPro, you’d also be taught about non-genital communication through the acronym SPICE: Spiritual, Physical, Intellectual, Creative, and Emotional. (If you could talk about mucus together, you could probably talk about anything.) And, as in other vocations, your growth would be non-linear. Just when you thought you’d given enough, God would urge you to go deeper!
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I blogged this while planning our wedding and have found it true since: “Summing up our findings with our dear, brilliant limo driver (the limo is used, and it’s the family car, because that’s the cheapest option he’s found for conveying his growing family), we were given this piece of wisdom: The wedding day is very special indeed, but the notion that it’s The Best Day of Your Life is incorrect. ‘Know why? Because the next day, you wake up together, and you’re married. And the day after that, you’re married.’ And so on, till death do us part. Amen to that.”
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Yes, it’s hard—and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Along with a good spiritual director, your married friends—and your friends in other states of life—can help you with discernment. Whatever you’re called to, if it’s authentic you’ll be challenged, you’ll hurt and be hurt, you’ll be stretched, and you’ll have access to sufficient graces to do God’s will. You’ll have what you need to wade through that mess. “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18a).
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Our prayers are with you.

Correct.

Even if one must. Speak into the vast expanse. Just stand outside and proclaim the Truth into the wind.

There is a real, spiritual effect to whispering to nobody apparantly but the trees and clouds, “Christ is Lord, and the Immaculate is His Mother.”

Our breath blesses all of creation when we utter the Truth, even if nobody physically hears it. This is the first Truth of the Liturgy as taught to us in the Low Mass of the Extraordinary Form of the Roman Rite.

We used NFP after 5 children in 12 years, and then another pregnancy resulting in a miscarriage convinced us to read the Kippley’s book and follow the instruction. Yes, it was difficult at times and a real sacrifice for the next 20 or so years. It is not all peaches and cream, but it is what the Lord requires. And a peaceful conscience is precious!!! (I had the possibility of conceiving more children but uterine problems would not allow any to come to term, according to doctors) I have friends who used “the pill” all through marriage…with the permission of the local priest. One just had to shop around a bit in our area to find such a priest.
An older friend with 3 children grew up in a square mile town where one family had 18 children. He developed diabetes, and one wag said that they had to cut off his leg. My friend thought to herself, “Hmmm too bad they didn’t cut off something else.” She herself was one of 12 but like her younger siblings, chose to raise a much smaller family. And that was in the days when the priest would ask the woman in the confessional, the age of her youngest child. And if it was over 2 years old, the priest would tell the woman not to present herself for Communion until she was pregnant again. How times have changed!

We are now in our late 70s, well past ages of procreation.  We married at age 22 in June 1955; had children in 1957, 1959, 1962, 1964 and 1966.  My wife’s OB-GYN commented after baby #5 that her “props” were no longer in good shape.
For the next 16 years, + or -, we worked with a thermometer and some knowledge of her past cycles.  It takes patience, and grace; and sometimes I was grumpy about it.  But we had a firm understanding of the Church’s teachings.  I was handing her a thermometer each morning before she got up, and I maintained the records.  So we both had responsibilities; I didn’t leave the whole thing up to her.
BTW, her feet get tired at the end of a day, and she enjoys a foot-rub, sometimes with some skin lotion.  At the right time (of the month) the foot rub could be a start of foreplay.
Over our life together, we have prayed hundreds, maybe thousands of rosaries together, often in the car when we began a trip somewhere.
I think it takes prayer and much grace to live up to the NFP only approach.
We now have 12 grandkids; and our four married children all seem to have stable marriages.  God is good.
TeaPot562

I’ve been thinking about this lately.  We are, of course, called on to tell the truth always.  And we are, of course, called to do this always with prudence and charity.  I even think I have pretty good motivations.  But I think it is possible to actually BE THE WRONG PERSON for a particular line of evangelization.  We’ve all met the woman hater who has no real business in a pro-life ministry.  This isn’t to say we hem or haw if asked (it is, after all, GOOD NEWS) but sometimes your very life makes a particular apostolate imprudent.  I, for instance, am infertile.  I doubt anyone wants to hear my wisdom about the joys of NFP.

@Consideringmarriage,
I understand the desire to “prepare for the worst and hope for the best,” but it is not a helpful attitude to take into marriage. Yes, marriage is messy and complicated, but is also joyful! Seriously…my husband and I have been through all sorts of hardship in our short 2 years of marriage, but I’ve also never had so much fun in my life. If you go into marriage anticipating the bad and the ugly, you won’t be able to see the gift that marriage is even in the difficult seasons of life.
ALL vocations have the potential for bad things to happen…religious communities can fall apart, priests can become bitter and lonely, etc. It’s just human nature. ALL vocations also have the potential to reflect the powerful love, generosity and creativity of our God. As you discern, ask God to take away your fear and help you to receive the gift of His joy and peace.

bibbi maggio—life is messy, live with it!

@Considering marriage,
one of the really amazing things about marriage is that the sacrament provides you with the graces you need for obedience to the lifestyle.  Obedience to God will bring you great joy.  If you and your husband enter marriage with the following convictions, you should do really well:
We’re joined together by God for as long as we both shall live;
No man, including a divorce court judge, can put asunder what God has joined;
God has put us together to rear children to love Him with their entire heart, mind, soul, and body, and love their neighbors as themselves;
Love is properly a VERB, not a noun:  to act prudently upon a sincere desire to obtain for one’s beloved that which is to their greatest authentic good.

@Considering Marriage - Are you considering marriage to an actual person or just whether or not you may want to marry one day?    If you have an actual person in mind, I’d say you’re not ready.  What are the worst things that can happen?  You’ll have a sick child, a sick spouse, or really messed up finances - doesn’t that about cover things?    When my husband and I fell in love (and I think “fell” is a good word for it since it happened so quickly), our finances were already a mess, and the sick child and sick spouse scenarios didn’t terrify us - what terrified us was facing those dire prospects without the other one. 
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If your potential spouse isn’t your best friend, isn’t on the same team as you, isn’t ready to muddle through life with you, then don’t get married.  It really is that simple.  Everything else is a detail.

I have to echo the comment that some of us are just not the right witnesses. I’m lots of women’s worst fear (including my own when I got engaged): Ivy League educated, competent professional, and being open to life has wrecked my career. When I read in the MSM that ABC is “necessary” for women to have careers and all that goes with it, I’m glad I don’t have to respond. I love my kids (“only” 3), but I miss my career every day. It will certainly have a seriously bad impact on my future job, earnings, and retirement. I can say “Jesus, I trust in you” and still have to fight resentment and mild depression. So, I’m glad I don’t have to be part of evangelizing the culture this way.

Cecilia, thanks for honesty.  There needs to be a “third way” for professionally-oriented women,and women like you will be the ones that will find it and force the culture to accomodate it.  We Americans have this all or nothing attitude about work, and we believe that women should be in the workforce when they are young (hmmm, wonder why).  There are so many ways things can change….remember Jeanne Kirkpatrick?

@Peter Shaw, that was a beautiful, inspiring comment, which left me in tears. Thank you for sharing, and prayers for the repose of your wife’s soul and comfort for you.

Thank you for all of your comments, prayers and encouragement! I’m sorry to have hijacked the comments box. I have been thinking and praying about what you’ve said. God bless!

I come to this topic encouraging the group to continue speaking the truth in charity and love whenever possible - especially to men. I could almost cry at the thought of how my life might be different if our marriage had been entered into with both of us embracing the Catholic philosophy on love and sex.

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NFP was never mentioned on our marriage prep, I was in RCIA for 2 full years and I dont remember the topic EVER being mentioned. I was Catholic for 14 years before anyone ever spoke a single word of it to me and and I went to weekly Mass for about 16 years before I ever heard a homily on the topic. By then, I had contracepted regularly, had my 3 kids & followed them up with a tubal ligation. My thoughts prior to my tubal ligation were literally “if this were important, they would say something”. When I finally realized I had sinner, I went to confession but (honestly and without accusation) asked the Priest how the heck I was supposed to understand the gravity of this if there was nothing but silence on the topic.

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In recent years, there has been more talk and better resources, but we need to keep it up lest we end up with whole generations of people like me.

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Returning to my comment that men need to understand this ...my husband was Catholic and I didnt convert until years into our marriage. If he had been well taught and patient and loving and consistent, I would have been much more willing to hear the NFP message and see what it could have done for our marriage. It really was HIS tradition, not mine and HIS responsibility to introduce and HIS opportunity to witness and lead me. I loved the few men who commented on this thread, but we need more men willing to lead in this area and to do so in great love and patience and kindness. Can I say it a 3rd time that love and patience and kindness would have made ALL the difference? 

I am the mother who had to choose between being healthy enough to care for the children God had already blessed me with or keeping my fertility.  Years later we have found that being open to new life means for us being willing to parent home grown kids and wounded children born of others.

Considering Yikes Marriage: I like this quote from one of Tolkien’s letters: “Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might be found more suitable mates. But the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.”

Just what I needed to hear today. Thank you.

“Yes, we will be misunderstood when we speak the truth.  But that doesn’t mean the truth shouldn’t be said.  It just means that it’s going to be a long, messy process.”

Simcha, thanks for the good ol’ fashioned kick in the tushie.  This is just what I needed to be reminded of today, and it has nothing to do with NFP. :-)