The Shy Child

My 6-year-old son has always been shy. Should a parent push a child to be more sociable?

There is research to suggest that about 10% of children are shy by nature. In other words, they are wired that way. They are less outgoing than most kids, slow to warm up to new situations, and generally just keep a low social profile.

Furthermore, about half of this 10% become more extroverted as they move into adulthood, and about half become shy adults. Which kids do which? Only time tells.

How much parents nudge a child to be more sociable depends upon how they view shyness. In our culture, introversion is seen as more psychologically immature than extroversion. Though unbridled extro-version may be irritating or rude, it still is not considered as “backward” in development as shyness. Seldom do I her a parent lament, “My child is really outgoing with people. How can I get her to be more reserved?”

In truth, introversion and extroversion are not moral issues. In and of themselves, neither is good or bad. They are differences on a personality continuum. It is our particular society that has defined one as better than the other.

Therefore, most parents feel pressure to “do something about” a child's shyness. If they don't, they fear he'll automatically be consigned to a constricted existence. Not necessarily. Some shy people are content with who they are, while some are not.

And maybe that should be your guiding principle in dealing with your son. You know him better than anyone else does. Is he okay with being shy? Is he genuinely uninterested in certain activities? Is he overall a pretty contented kid who just doesn't like being in even a dim spotlight? If yes, yes and yes, then you might take a more hands-off approach, letting him choose most of his social options.

On the other hand, if your son seems anxious to participate, or wants to try new things, but is held back by his inhibited nature, then nudge him. If he wants to play a sport but is “afraid,” consider signing him up and monitoring his commitment. If he watches the neighbor kids playing, but won't venture over, either take him or invite them. For his own good, you might even require some new venture—say, three months of music lessons, with a reappraisal after that period. It is innate to all humans to ultimately come to enjoy much that we avoided initially due to misplaced apprehensions.

One overall principle: It is all right to be shy; it is not all right to be rude. At times, shy children can drift into a style of avoiding the most basic social courtesies, such as saying please, thank you, hello and goodbye. Their social wariness can evolve over time into an “I won't talk even if I'm talked to first.” Here, good parents require good manners. For example, without eye contact and “thank you,” a treat cannot be accepted. Refusing to greet when greeted could lead to a later time out. Requiring minimal social interaction will not hurt a shy child's psyche. It will keep him from developing some real entrenched bad habits.

So how much do you push? Like a lot of parenting questions, that depends. But remember: Shyness is not a matter of character. Nor is it necessarily a psychological issue. It is a characteristic common to the human condition that all of us experience at some times and in some places.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is the father of 10, a psychologist and an author. He can be reached at www.kidbrat.com.

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