No End In Sight

Do children ever stop misbehaving?

Some questions are elegantly simple, yet profound. They seek the very essence of a truth. No, children never stop misbehaving. Adults never stop misbehaving. Nobody ever stops misbehaving.

Parents instinctively know this. We just as instinctively tend to deny it. Almost unconsciously we hope, even expect, that the stuff of misconduct will someday be all gone. True, lots of kid turbulence—temper tempests, meal ordeals, bedtime badtimes, tattling—does fade away with the years. But the core nature of misbehavior—defiance, passive resistance, unruliness, irresponsibility—will take many forms over a childhood and will never completely disappear.

A 14-year-old may not fling herself to the floor, slapping her head with each sob, but any parent confronting a hostile or disdainful teen can tell you the most nasty forms of temper aren't always the loudest or most theatrical. The rebellion of a toddler may be more in-your-face than that of a 12-year-old's subtle foot dragging. Yet the older child may be acting no less willfully.

Is this to say that discipline really only serves to eradicate one misbehavior until another evolves to take its place? Absolutely not. The purpose of discipline is to teach good behavior. As such, the better the discipline, the better the behavior over time. But, and this is a big but, discipline will remain an integral part of your parenthood until the day Harmony leaves the house.

Most misconduct exhibits a similar life cycle. The behavior appears for the first time at some point in development. The longer it lingers, the longer it will take for discipline, no matter how firm and consistent, to reduce it. Initially its intensity may surge in response to discipline. But as the discipline brakes are applied, the misconduct slows, sometimes dramatically to a near zero level. But seldom is it every fully eradicated. Why? Because kids are human (most of the time) and humans, until the day they leave this earth, retain the proclivity to act wrongly.

Let's say you've decided to assign a 500-word essay on respect each and every time your 15-year-old gets mouthy. Within mere weeks his snotty attitude is one-tenth of its former strength. Yet that last stubborn, residual one-tenth may persevere until the day he moves out. This does not mean your discipline isn't working. It's working very well. It took care of 90% of the problem. As you persevere in disciplining that remaining 10%, tell yourself that you are teaching your son that disrespect is wrong, and that he will always be held accountable for it, even if he doesn't learn your lesson completely. Time and life are on your side. They should take care of most of that last 10%.

Take heart. The bad news is that you'll never see perfect results. The good news is that you can get real close. Besides, there have to be some things for their spouse to work on.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is the father of 10,

a psychologist and an author.

He can be reached at www.kidbrat.com.