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My life has been a test of faith and strength. Like countless other individuals who have survived the trauma of abuse, I have fought through hard times and found myself waging a battle that often seemed unwinnable. At age 15, while working as a secretary in a parish rectory, I endured months of sexual abuse at the hands of the now-laicized Father Kelvin Iguabita.
Nothing could ever fully express the suffering, anguish and betrayal a victim feels. Only someone who has experienced abuse can fully understand the powerful manipulation of an abuser.
I had been raised in a Catholic home where prayer and the sacraments were a part of everyday life. I had never really doubted my faith until the abuse began. Afterward, I hated God for “allowing” it to happen. Indeed, the priesthood — a vocation I once held in high esteem — became something disgusting. I agonized over my decision to tell someone about the abuse. I truly believed that even my closest loved ones would turn against me.
A year later, my world came crashing down again when my oldest brother passed away unexpectedly from an undetected heart condition. The grief over his death and the secret of the abuse were just too much to bear.
Following weeks of what my parents originally intended to be grief therapy with a wonderful Christian therapist, I found the strength and courage to tell my parents about the abuse. Never once did they doubt me; and they truly displayed the meaning of unconditional love.
I wish there was a predicable checklist for people as they embark on the journey to healing. The fact is that everyone deals with suffering differently. For me, it took owning the pain, as well as lots of support, therapy and prayer. Most importantly, however, it took the courage, encouragement and example of faith of countless others to help me move forward.
I struggled through my interior battles of faith, and I did not want to go to church anymore. One priest offered some unexpected advice: “You don’t need to go to church if it’s that difficult for you — I’m sure God understands.”
Part of me wanted to hold that priest accountable and say, “Well, God can’t blame me if I choose not to practice my faith!” But shortly afterwards, I picked up a book, and this quote from St. Thérèse of Lisieux said everything I needed to hear:
“May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.”
From then on, I strove to allow my faith to drive me, no matter how weak it felt. I chose not to spend the rest of my life holding God accountable. The abuse I had endured was the result of the evil of a human.
My rapist was sentenced to 12-14 years in prison in 2003 and he was laicized in 2009. Five years later, four survivors and I from the Archdiocese of Boston were given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have a personal meeting with Pope Benedict XVI during his visit to Washington, D.C.
As we waited in the chapel of the apostolic nunciature, I fingered a pair of my mother’s rosary beads, praying to the Blessed Mother for the grace to say the “right thing” to the Pope.
The Pontiff entered the room, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the slight, old, humble-looking man. He was there for survivors everywhere, conveying a message of love and hope to the world and to the Church brought to its knees by the sex-abuse scandal. He knelt at the altar and prayed with us for a few moments.
When I was finally called forward for a few private moments with the Holy Father, the profound “right words” never came. Instead, I reacted in a way that a child would — with tears, the simplest, most innocent and heartfelt form of expression. My tears spoke not only for my own pain and suffering, but for the pain and suffering of each and every abused child.
The Holy Father spoke kindly to me. “I understand you are getting married soon?” he asked gently. I nodded through the tears. “My blessings on your marriage, your family and your future family.”
He presented me with a beautiful white box imprinted with the Vatican seal that contained a pair of rosaries. He said, “There is hope, and I’ll be praying for you.”
Four years later, I still struggle with my faith. But, following that momentous day in Washington, I felt more hope than I had in a very long time. My mom has always reminded me to look for life‘s “glimmers,” no matter what doubts we may have. Faith is not always something that we “feel,” and there are still many days when I just “do it.” Even the saints struggled!
Without faith, there is no hope. I have truly realized the importance and meaning of hope throughout my journey, particularly when I held my husband’s hand and my baby boy for the first time. The innocence and purity of a child is a reminder that there is always hope and God never abandons his children. I’m still here, and I’m still standing strong. There is always an “afterwards.” That afterwards is, in part, what you choose to make of it. Faith can lead you there.
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Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this!
Your parents named you well, Faith. Having lived in Philadelphia, I have followed the still-evolving fallout from the abuse scandal there (one priest suspended was a high school teacher of mine, another a classmate and bandmate who joined the priesthood.)
You are an exceptionally strong woman and I am glad to know you saw the Holy Father not as a co-conspirator (as the media portrayed him) but as a servant leader sincerely ashamed of what he called the “filth” in our Church and wanting to make amends with those it hurt. This is a journey, not a destination, to healing but Our Lord will walk with you.
To have good people around us is a blessing. We can see Christ in each face, and it gives us strength. However, when we are surrounded by weak people (even at Church) that is no excuse for our own weakness. We have the rosary, and so we can pray with our Blessed Mother any time we like. It’s a wonderful thing!
I’ve never met you. But you must have more faith than anyone I know.
Thanks for sharing this very sad but inspiring story. It makes it easier for us to bear the burdens we face. I hope your family and your faith grow and bring more blessings to your life!
Faith,
Thank you for your courage in speaking out. Your testimony gives me hope too. You have chosen to let God give you the courage to not to continue to be a victim. as a Mom,I have often told my children that God has compassion for our pain, but He really wants to know what we are going to do with it. I pray that others are able to see that there is hope for healing. God bless you and your family.
May our Lord Jesus Christ and his Holy Church be with you always. I will praying for you. God Bless!!
Thank you for your beautiful and courageous witness to the healing that is to be found through Christ in His Church.
Holy Spirit, please, give me the right words.
Dear Faith:
Are there right words here except tears in my eyes, my kneeling in front of you, and begging for forgiveness in the name of the people of God who betrayed you, betrayed me, and betrayed Christ? I also beg your forgiveness because I am a sinner and if I stopped thinking about myself and let Christ live through me I could have made a difference… Instead of that I am living mostly for myself, and that keeps betraying others. Please forgive me.
Blessings,
Greg.
Wow. Just wow. You are an amazing woman.
Faith, thank you very much for sharing your story. May our Lord continue to bless you and your family.
Faith, thank you for sharing your pain, your struggle and the on-going journey of healing. May God bless you.
What a beautiful testimony to keeping the faith through the worst of adversity! God bless you for giving hope to other victims. I’ll pray for you!
I’m left Speechless.
Thank you for sharing your story, Faith. By doing so, you are giving others hope! God bless you and your family as you travel this life journey towards our meeting with our Heavenly Father.
THANK YOU for sharing your extraordinary story of suffering, hope and faith…yes, Faith!
The providence of your lovely name, given by your parents must give you courage in the face of the challenges you have and continue to encounter.
This beautifully written testimony will surely help others.Please know that you, and those who have experienced this kind of suffering are in all of our of prayers. Blessings to you and your growing family.
Wonderful testimony! Pain, sorrow, healing and redemption. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers for sure. Please keep sharing your testimony full of hope!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so happy to see that you didn’t abondon the church because of what that priest did to you. God has truly given you the grace to see that the church is made up of humans who are faulty but it doesn’t mean the church itself is corrupt. Thank you for your continued courage and for sharing your story, I know it will help other victims of abuse begin to heal. May you continue to grow in your faith and love for Christ and pass this precious gift to your child and children to come. God bless you :)
Faith,
God Bless you and keep up with the good fight!
May God continue to heal you every day. I was struck by what your Mother told you because that applies to love also. It isn’t a feeling but a choice a lot of times. Ipray that you have a wonderful marriage and are blessed with visible signs of your love for each other(children). Thank you for not letting evil win by giving into bitterness and despair.
I admire you for your courage to come out and share your experience. Your strong faith is an encouragement to us all! Be assured that you are remembered in my prayers. “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:21)
Thanks for writing this.
Like the previous reader, I’m glad you continued to remain in the church. So often we read about those were abuse victims who leave the church all together and their feelings of bitterness and anger years after it happened. Yours is an example that’s possible. God bless!
Faith - Wow! Not only do you have more faith than most people I know, you also have more courage. God bless you, your husband, little boy and extended family. May God’s peace alwyas be with you.
Faith, you have more faith than most people I know, and more courage too. Thanks for your story and may God’s blessing and peace be upon you and your family.
I am ashamed of WHAT was done to you and others, and I know you understand it was the human evil in man, man’s choice and not something of God because God is all good!
Because of you and others, I choose to be a facilitator of VIRTUS-Protecting God’s Children, and Keeping the Promise Alive in our Arch-Diocese.
Christ even told us that we should protect children and their innocence! We have to all be part of the solution!
May we all, as followers of Christ, adhere to this message!
Faith, your story reminds me of our Holy Father’s recent encouragement that, to paraphrase him, God puts us here at this time and in this space for a reason, one that is known to Him alone. This allows us to be the best children of God we can be, with the gifts He has given us.
God Bless You.
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