—but I do think she’s missing a fleeting and irreplaceable opportunity to give her children a taste of something that is straight from God…

That’s where I think the problem lies, does she even believe in God? Does she know the love of God or accept it? I don’t think she even knows the opportunity exists much less knows she’s missing it. And that is very sad.

I think you’re being too hard on her.  Particularly (@Kristen) with the “Does she even believe in God?” thing. 

I assure you that *I* believe in God, and this is pretty much my style too.  I think we’re just looking at a different style of “reaction to crisis.”

I mean, come on, would you tell a dad this if he reported that this is how he reacts to crying children?  It strikes me as an approach that is more typically seen in males, and perhaps this is why you viscerally react against it in a mother, but it’s still a normal parental approach. 

Perhaps it’s my training as an engineer.  I’m not the most stereotypically feminine of mothers. But when someone comes to me with a problem, my instinct is to try to solve the problem.  And it’s absolutely right that you can’t solve the problem until you know what it is.

Our kids grew up in a family with a paramedic and a nurse.  My first response usually was “Is there major blood loss?  No?  Then it’s not a trauma.”  My wife’s was to retrieve a band-aid from that bottomless purse.  Of course we cuddled and consoled, but we also wanted to teach that bumps and bruises and pain are a part of life and not a reason for parents to go to pieces.  In my experience, those parents who cuddle and coo for every bump and fall are the same parents who attempt to console their child out of every temper tantrum.  It does the child no favors.  One of ours came to me one day with a bleeding toe.  As I looked at it she said “I hurt my toe, Daddy, and I know you’re going to say I need a “toe”-truck, not a paramedic.”  A sense of humor, a good perspective, and a lot of love.  She’ll do fine (and I’m going to try to be less predictable).

Perhaps this lady’s ways are a bit spartan, as you say, but in the context of kids getting hurt, I don’t think she’s completely wrong. It depends on the situation. I can tell the difference between my girls crying when they are truly hurt and when they are embarrassed, their feelings are hurt, etc. While I think we should give our kids love—and hugs—in all these situations, I can’t blame a mother who wants to teach her kids not to explode emotionally every time something goes wrong. Managing your feelings in the moment then talking them out at an calmer time is a good thing to teach our kids. Again, depends on if they are truly hurt, and maybe how old they are. Thanks!

I really understand your point, but it’s tough to make a judgement on a letter to an editor. If my kids fall down, I tend not to respond until they react. I used to scare my kids by running over to them and coddling them for everything that looked like it hurt.
Also missing is the type of kid she is talking about. My son gets angry when he gets hurt and is more likely to hit me if I snatch him up in the midst of his pain. (He’s two.)I’m better off to sit him on the counter and stand next to him until he is ready for me to look at his problem. All of my children do better when I both acknowledge their pain, and talk clinically about their injury. And the feeling of undeserved love can be conveyed through mercy when the kid crosses a moral boundary in a big way. So, in all, I just don’t think there is enough information to make a call.

Is the point of a blog merely to constantly criticize other people?  Because that’s all you do, Simcha.  Why can’t you share information about our faith?  Talk about the saints, Catholic teaching, history of Christianity, something scholarly for crying out loud. 

Take the beam out first Fisher.

Once again, it’s all about balance.
I’m one of those moms who doesn’t “freak out” when my kids get hurt. I tend to stay very calm - mainly because I don’t want them to be scared. But I never withhold the hugs.
@Catherine - I strongly disagree. Simcha brings out important topics by sometimes reflecting on the behavior of others. That’s a great way to learn about the world and ourselves.
And, you violated your own “command” to Simcha by criticizing her. It’s her blog. If you don’t like it, there are plenty of sappy blogs that go on about how holy they are and carry on about all those Catholic things without ever getting their hands dirty. Read those instead.

Huh?  Sounds like you are being oversensitive here.  I 100% could have written that letter and I certainly believe in God.  I always tell my kids after they are hurt (including one who needed stitches in her head - and yes I was tending to it) that screaming and wailing only makes it hurt worse.  It does.  Why do you think women who have fairly quiet labors (no screaming etc.) report having less painful labors overall?  It’s because when you don’t breathe properly you feel more pain.  Dealing with a crisis is not the same as feeling grief.  My kids are allowed to cry when they are sad or yell (if it’s not offensive) when they are angry.  But they are not encouraged to carry on about a skinned knee or a bruised foot or even a doorknob induced cut in the forehead.

I am one of those mothers… actually feeling at a complete loss this morning for failing again.  What is one to do who, as you say, doesn’t know how, because I don’t.  I didn’t learn it or I don’t have it.  I’d like to write more but I don’t know where to begin.

As one who has to deal with “helicopter parents” and their trained-to-be-helpless children sometimes at work, I sympathize with this mother. But this sentence brought me up short:

“And then once they can tell me about what happened and have calmed down I give them the hugs and kisses.”

Make up your mind, lady. Are you a Spartan or are you not?

Mightn’t it be even worse to shower the kids with affection when they’re calm and don’t need it, than when they’re upset and do feel an acute need for mothering?

As with anything, there is a balance.  Parents need to be flexible and weigh each situation separately.  I agree that the woman’s response is questionable, especially since she implies that her kids are sobbing while she is withholding her affection.  The main problem with her reaction is that she demands they explain themselves to her before she offers comfort.  Many children need to know they are safe before they can tell someone what’s wrong; furthermore, it isn’t true that a parent can’t help unless he/she knows what’s wrong.  Often a hug or a kiss do help, when nothing else will.  I’m certainly not advocating the type of overreaction some parents have (because I believe that reacting the same way to a bruised knee as you would to a broken arm can serve to confuse a child as well as strike fear into them); but I also know that loving touch is crucial to offering comfort, and it’s something our society seriously lacks. My son is 16 months old.  I can tell when he is really hurt by the way he reacts; I wait until I see his reaction before I respond with my own, remaining calm (even when he has just rammed his head into the door post)  But I do comfort.  I hug and kiss him, I ask where it hurts and tell him it will be okay.  Usually, it’s nothing serious and he doesn’t even cry or need me at all; but when he does cry, I have no problem picking him up and kissing him, consoling him as best I can.  Flexibility and intuition the keys, because not every circumstance deserves the same response.

Hmm - I have 10 kids and this is pretty much how I do it.  I find that if I stay calm then so do they.  I do believe in God and have been the recipient of His amazing LOVE and MERCY on so many occasions.  I love my kids more than life itself and would do just about anything for them.  My oldest is 20 and my youngest is 10wks and a bunch in between.  I think they’re doing OK.  I have found that no matter how we choose to parent our kids are going to grow up and blame us for all the bad stuff anyway :)

“[I] usually say something like, ‘I can’t help you until you tell me how it happened and where it hurts.’”

This is going to sound insanely nitpicky, but it bothers me because it’s not really true. If a parent walked into the room and saw the child unconscious on the floor, the parent would help by calling 911 and then acting on the evidence, eg. if there was external bleeding the parent would apply pressure, if the child had stopped breathing, the parent would do CPR. Saying “I can’t help you until . . .” sounds a bit like there won’t be any help given until the “proper” behavior is displayed. Well, every person is different and some display more emotion than others. In truth, the parent can help a crying, hysterical child to calm down by doing whatever works for that child. Babs gave an example. She stands beside her son quietly and supportively until he becomes less angry—that is what he needs from her.

As far as teaching the child to be self-reliant and competent, the parent’s own behavior when reacting to his or her own illness or injury might be more important.

Simcha, I have loved every blog I have ever read from you…except this one. Oh well, I’ll chalk it up to too much Halloween candy. Or pregnancy hormones, whatever you prefer.

I get what you are saying, I used to only tend to my children when they calmed down, and now I have more a hybrid approach largly depending on the child and the circumstance. But seriously, there are MUCH bigger parenting problems out there, and contrary to what Katherine thinks Christians are just as capable of them, perhaps even more capable.

I think that there is a way to *be* with people that conveys love without saying or doing much.  Some people can do this and some can’t.  No way to tell about that letter-writer, of course; there are all kinds of scenarios that could be described as above:  Calm, oozing acceptance and love while saying, “I can’t help you till you tell me where it hurts.”  Perhaps there is anger and judgement born out of the helpless feeling of your kids’ emotional wildness (yeah, this is me, struggling with that.)  If there is shame conveyed during the emotional part, and kisses given only for the calm, strong children…then I can totally see what Simcha is getting at.
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I am striving to convey unconditional love to my children.  I have given up on being the parent I think is “the best kind” because I CANNOT be that parent.  I am too crippled by my own upbringing and my faults.
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I think that this is the better focus of the post, oh critics-of-the-comments:  There is no one way to parent.  But you have got to think about how you equip (or don’t) your kids for their future relationships in your parenting choices.

On the other hand, too, I think incessantly about how I am screwing up my kids’ ability to relate to others in the future…. and it is pretty crippling.  So there is the other side of that.

I hug my kids when they are hurt. But I also wait to see if they are actually hurt. They know my m.o. since often their response even through tears is “I’m okay.” They know I’m there for them, but want to be strong for me. Like that mother, I’ve parented with the hope that they can assess the situation themselves first. If they can. That said, I’m pretty keen on recognizing within a few seconds what kind of response from me is needed. And sometimes, coddling little boo-boos is the cure even if the bruise is one of embarrassment, hurt pride or being frightened instead of physically injured. But true loving occurs not as I rush to their aid or to their (at times over-) reaction to injury, but the solid loving that I give them all the rest of the time. Caring for the needs they don’t even know they have. Offering love and affection when they ask for it, when then don’t, and even when they tell you they don’t really want it at all. That’s the kind of undeserved, unearned love we get from God.

This is all very nit picky.  I’m glad you didn’t watch me raise my kids.

But I wonder what will happen when they have children of their own.  Or when they have friends , or when they get married.  Or when they encounter genuine, overwhelming grief that has no reason to be contained.  I have met some good, decent people who have been trained (deliberately or through abuse) not to show emotion, not to lose control, and not to need help.  They are good people—but they are not good to other people.  They don’t know how.  They do not understand grief or need, and they do not know how to offer sympathy.

And they do not know how to seek forgiveness or help when they themselves are in need, because no one has ever taught them about mercy or compassion.

As we raise children, we sometimes forget that the parent-child relationship is not a closed circuit.  If all goes well, our importance in their lives will dwindle, and their major relationships will focus on other people.  They will carry with them what we teach them about themselves (which the mother in the letter understands)—but they also internalize our model of how to treat other people.

That bit had me in absolute tears. My kids are grown now but as a result of my abusive childhood this is exactly how it went for me as I raised my own kids. Thankfully there’s been much healing in the past few years and lots of conversations about the way it was with my kids. There are so many ways to communicate to a child that you are there for them which is what matters. That you have their back. That bit will do wonders for them and for your relationship

I like this piece, not because I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, Simcha, but because it’s making all of us think a little harder about what the role of parenting is.  Obviously, the situation painted by the woman in the letter is missing a lot of context—her full personality, her kids’ personalities, the kind of scenario she was thinking of when she wrote it, what kind of approach the father takes, etc.—and so what you can glean is severely limited.  Yet you acknowledged that, even as you posited your concern.  And it seems to me that ultimately, your concern is less about HER as about the question all parents face: am I doing the right thing?
Some of the comments posted thus far seem a bit reactionary and critical of your conclusions, as in “How dare you judge this woman?!?”, yet I think that’s rather unfair.  All the articles you post seem to follow a trend: you’ve encountered something which got you thinking, and now you are sharing those thoughts.  Oh, and you frequently ask your readers about their own experience, ready to admit that perhaps your perspective is limited or flawed.  And I appreciate that.  Thanks for your work!

Simacha,

My mom raised us this way and I don’t think we are unable to relate to or care for other people when the stituation arises. Besides, it’s easier to appreciate the “hugs and kisses” when you are calm… ;)

Well played Fisher - even when you’re wrong you’re right!  This is an excellent case study of the importance of balance and mercy, and some of the points you made are like balm to my weary, weary soul.  As for the specifics of this mom, however, I’d wager you very well could be mistaking personality traits for personality damage.  A lot of people truly do function more in the land of data than in emotion, and it gives them an extraordinary ability to see the nitty gritty that a lot of us more emotive people can miss.  When they explain their way of functioning, it often sounds harsh and dreadful to us “emotive” types, but long experience has taught me that although the processes are different, when the intent is good and the person’s emotions are healthy, the end result is often as considerate and kind as anything I could come up with.

I must be a terrible mother. When my son “hurts” himself (3yrs), if he’s not bleeding or obviously injured, I make him laugh by exaggerating his pain and asking if I need to call an ambulance. “Oh my goodness, Honey, I see a huge hole in your head, there’s one on each side, I can see all the way through!” He completely forgets his boo boo and still gets the attention he needs. If he is actually injured I do my best to stay calm and tend to his needs. Oddly enough he is calmer when the injury is real o.O

Not to chime in with your Greek Chorus, but I too think you’ve missed the mark a bit.  Mostly because I don’t think failing to pour on the maternal sweetness at every percieved and actual childhood injury necessarily equates to having children who are detached and unable to process complex feelings like grief, love, and major disappointment. 

Sarah M summed it up best for me:

“While I think we should give our kids love—and hugs—in all these situations, I can’t blame a mother who wants to teach her kids not to explode emotionally every time something goes wrong.”

What I find most compelling about your blogs, Simcha, is your modern approach to catechesis.  I think it is important for us to constantly learn more about our Faith as Catholics.  Bible study, attending Mass, reading Church documents are all essential in that.  However, it is also important to read about and discuss (even if it’s only in the combox online) examples of how we can live our Faith in day to day life.  I feel as though Simcha’s piece here was less about criticizing another mom (although perhaps some reading it might take it that way) but more of a reflection of ways mothers can more accurately reflect the love of Christ to their children.  At least that is what I took away from it!  I think everyone’s love language is different, so maybe one mother’s hug will look different from another.  But I do think signs of affection are important.  Maybe it’s because I’ve lost two babies, but I find myself constantly sneaking hugs and kisses from my toddler.  Although I definitely don’t go crazy when he falls, because I would be going crazy all day long, LOL.  :)

Isn’t it possible to do both of these things at the same time? Move purposefully but without panic towards the situation, then hold and cuddle while asking them to be quiet, stay calm, and tell you what happened?

Hm. I dunno, I agree with Simcha. Is it so crazy that a kid needs cuddles TO calm down? I don’t see her mention that being affectionate means “going to pieces” when your kid is hurt, physically or otherwise.

We’ve had our share of ER visits, and I’ve seen my daughter through major surgery on her head (cochlear implants). If she needs snuggles, she gets them, and she doesn’t need to “calm down” first or “tell me the problem” right away. And I disagree that crying etc “makes things worse”....sometimes it feels good to let it all out in a safe place, and the lap of your mama should be a safe place. I’m not sure why there has to be one or the other of emotional coldness OR ridiculous blubbering. If my kids are ANGRY and are screaming or yelling or being destructive, that is a time where I say calmly “I don’t like to be yelled at. When you are ready to use your words, I am happy to listen/hug/cuddle/etc. Let me know.” But often in a moment of injury the tears go away more quickly when I give some kisses and acknowledge “Oh, that splinter hurts!” than to say, “Well, I can’t help you with that splinter until you chill out.” Kids are people. They feel what they feel, just like adults. Our job is to guide them in the appropriate ways to express those feelings, not by telling them to get rid of the feelings or that their feelings are “wrong” and they should change them.

I really think it is hard to decipher if she is teaching her kids not to show any emotion or be unable to forgive or show sympathy just from what she typed. How I respond to a child’s pain varies greatly depending on the circumstances, age of the child, etc. My impression is that she is just trying to get the child to calm down so that 1) the child doesn’t over react, 2) she can better determine just what medical aid the child needs and 3) just how serious the situation is. I have no reason to believe that, if her child was gushing blood, she would still insist he calm down and explain things before she did anything.

I think people who become unable to forgive, completely lacking emotion or sympathy, etc. are formed by hard, cold individuals whether they’ve been injured or not. I think they’ve been given that instruction through example all the time until it is the foundation of their outlook and fiber of their understanding. Then it is really hard to see any other way of doing things. But this woman wasn’t talking about occasions where there is “genuine, overwhelming grief that has no reason to be contained.” I think you might be taking parenting from one kind of circumstance and assuming it would be the same in a different set of circumstances and, as you point out, parenting is just more complex than that.

I’m all for kid-hugging, but personally I’ve found I have to discern when it is best to hug them and when I’m encouraging them to start overreacting and hamming it up. You know when they scream for you because their sister hit them with a baby blanket, hugs aren’t necessary. :) Though some very serious tickling might be in order!

Wow, the Spartan mommies are coming out in the box today!  :)  I agree with Simcha’s overall point about mercy, love, and the ability of children to relate to others as they grow (everyone has a different story, I know, but mine is one of those stories Simcha is warning about).  Then again, I teach others’ children and deal with helicopter parents—the ones who ask if maybe I “have an easier, more fun book to learn with?” are the same ones who coo and cuddle over scrapes or bumps or lost ice cream.  They aren’t problem-solving parents.  They’re enabling parents. 

I also have a two year old, who is likely to hit me if I pick him up after a non-injury.  Or he’s likely to have a panic attack since I’m having one…after all, we’re in this together!  When he’s really hurt, he comes to me because he knows he’ll get a hug and comfort and love.  But I don’t go running to him right when the tears start.  I wait, we converse, there’s an effort at understanding.  (Of course, none of that applies unless you have a Lionel Barrymore in your house.  To each his own children.)

Well, for what it’s worth: I’m an engineer and female; my greatest inclination is to fix what needs fixin’, darn the emotions; and I’m very cool and clinical in a crisis. According to the results of a God’s gifts discernment process undertaken with some friends, empathy is one of my weakest traits.

And I cuddle my kids before fixing the hurt.

I agree more with Anne/Simcha than the other commenters, with all the usual disclaimers that everyone has their own parenting style, we’re all basically aiming for the same goals, etc. Sure, we all have our own methods; but how blessed to have the opportunity to reflect on whether we truly are giving our children “a taste of something that is straight from God: the enjoyment of undeserved love, of healing that we need but cannot earn.”

This reminds me of a (spoof) article in The Onion.  The title was something like, All parenting styles produce miserable adults LOL.  We are WAY too hard on each other and we forget the fact that 1, parenting is a very tough job 2, it only gets harder, 3, nobody’s family is exactly like another, and most importanly 4, the Bible tells us to aim to “lead a quiet life MINDING OUR OWN BUSINESS” (emphasis added).  If we are supporting and befriending other parents, that doesn’t leave much time to judge.  If we want to give examples from our own parenting foibles, that is one thing, but we don’t - we pick on people we barely know!  And we won’t, because we know that if we talk about our day as parents, we too will be criticized.  Enough already.  If you don’t starve, neglect, or abuse your kids, you are fine enough by me.  Take a nap.

I think Simcha is making a point about God’s love and mercy for us.  He does not tell us, “I can’t help you until you tell me where it hurts.”  He helps us without us telling him. He expresses His love for us without us asking for it.  As parents, we are to mirror the relationship God has with us in our relationship with our children, so that they can learn what unconditional love is.

Sadly, I’m not a mom… but I was a kid. My mom was the no-nonsense type… I don’t recall ever being cuddled for a boo boo.  I guess I didn’t have any terrible injuries as a kid, no broken bones no cuts worse than scrape.
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Thinking back… there was the time as a toddler that I got my ankle caught in the bicycle spokes - the most traumatic memory I can think of… and mom dealt with injury and of course comforted me but I don’t remember a hug (although that was almost 40 years ago.)
In sixth grade I was giving a demonstration speech - carving a pumpkin and cut right into my pinky finger.  The nuns decided I needed stitches so mom came and got me and took me to the doctor.  No big deal.  No fuss.
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So my mom sounds much like the mom in the Slate example —and I turned out to be a very compassionate, huggy person.  More so than her.  But that’s probably because I don’t have any kids of my own to care for—- so I’m mugging on everyone else’s kiddos every chance I get!!!

Most of the time I manage to force myself to maintain a calm demeanor when my kids are hurt. Not because I feel calm but because I am an anxious, mildly paranoid, abuse survivor and have a short emotional fuse that I don’t want to pass on to my kids by being hysterical.

That said I swoop in with hugs, kisses and loving inquiry as soon as a child shows signs of being hurt. I don’t really care if the injury is to their bodies, their pride or they were just startled. If they can’t express why they hurt I hug them or rub their shoulders until they calm down or feel like talking.

I get what Simcha is saying (or at least I think I do). Why does day to day love have to be a measured, calculated, logical thing dispensed in direct proportion to the extent to which our kids can produce empirical evidence that they need love? Why can’t we overflow with love and kindness towards our children regularly rather than just in moments of extreme crisis (like death or major accidents)? I think we short change kids and do harm to their image of God the Father when we are emotional misers, even when done with the best of intentions.

@lost:

I have known a few people who survived an upbringing that left them without the skills one needs to relate sympathetically to others.  Those who have hope and peace today are the ones who got involved in some kind of deliberate and dynamic effort to learn those skills—and to find and accept the love they didn’t get. 
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Whether it was Al-Anon, or therapy, a spiritual life or some combination, I have seen miracles. really.  You are not alone in the way you feel, nor a re you without hope.  I will be praying for you.

You know what really, really amazes me?  My kids actually feel MUCH better after I “kiss it”.  No kidding, it’s almost miraculous. It’s the first thing I do.  Even when my eighteen year old hurts herself I say “kiss it?”  She might be making a big stink about what happened but she always laughs AND brings the injury over.  And yes, when it comes to my toddlers, I get presented with dirty scraped toes, feet, and sometime even the little tyrant points at his/her little bottom shrieking “KISS IT!” Am I a sap or what?
On the other hand, my husband, (who also kisses it) Says to the scraped toddler: “You’re not allowed to hurt my baby!” or he’ll offer the eight- year-old a quick amputation, assuring them that the offended finger/toe/leg will no longer hurt if it’s removed.

I guess finding the humor in a situation IS showing love. Just in a different way than hugs and kisses which my son dislikes. He doesn’t like to be touched. Weird kid.

First, I’d just like to say that as a mother I very much appreciate discussions like this.  The purpose of the post is obviously not simply to criticize but to bring up a discussion which can help us all be better parents.  And the mother who raised the question initially, is obviously experiencing some self-doubt and asking for input, so I see nothing wrong with discussing her approach.  I wish people wouldn’t waste so much time in these comments, criticizing the very fact of having the discussion! 

Anyway, I agree with you one hundred percent, Simcha, and want to share some of my own bad parenting as a support to your argument.  I was not raised around children and in a way am having to reinvent the wheel, but trying to learn from others with more experience.  My tendency has always been to take behaviors and instead of addressing them in the moment, to think too far ahead to what I desire for my children’s characters.  I remember thinking, when my eldest was ten months old and began throwing herself backwards if she became frustrated, “is she going to become a spoiled brat/disobedient/criminal?”  which, needless to say, made me panic inside and not deal very well with the situation, her frustration as a ten-month old baby!  And most recently, with my youngest, I realized I was not dealing well with my children’s anger.  One day, when I was taking my 2-year-old to her room to “calm down” when she was screaming, she started saying fearfully, “I’m not sad anymore mom, I’m not sad!”  I realized that she was taking in the message, from me, that being sad makes her unfit for human company, and she must stuff sadness if she wants my presence.  That broke my heart.  She’s two, for heaven’s sake, and can’t yet really distinguish between anger and sadness or how to express those things.  So now, if I need to take her out of the room, I *stay* with her, and talk to her, or just hold her, until she feels better. 

Something else which helps me—besides the image of God and his endless patience and mercy with us, which is primary—is also the relationship of a spouse.  How would I feel, if, whenever I was feeling cranky or sad or both, and it showed, my husband were to train me by telling me he was leaving until I could calm down?  How loving would that be?  Or if he coldly told me that he would only be able to comfort me when I could clearly articulate the problem?  That is in fact a common complaint, that men tend to not know what to do if there isn’t a clear thing for them to “fix”, and we have to remind them that sometimes we just need them to *be there* for us.  Someone here complained that we wouldn’t be saying the same thing to a father—well, maybe we would, but maybe also it is a particular feminine gift to be able to comfort without first demanding answers, and even God our Father is compared to a mother in Scripture, probably precisely because He knows just how to do that, and does. 

As for the “terrible mother” who deflects the situation with humor—I don’t think that’s what Simcha is talking about at all.  I think it’s great to be able to distract and cheer a child by humor, but that is another way of showing you care.  Sometimes, if the hurt is big enough, humor isn’t enough, and you realize you need to just hold the child, and save the humor.  I’m sure you have experienced that.  That is a different message from “I will not kiss or hug you until you can show some self-control”. 

Anyway, I do think this is a great discussion, and I hope you continue to open up these kinds of topics, Simcha.

This is slightly off topic, but here’s another approach that we perfected on our fifth son, sixth child who was a real screamer—I had thought I’d seen it all until him.  He had the most epic scream-a-thon fits I had ever witnessed.  If he was beyond-the-pale unreasonable, I would say “Ohhhhhhhhhh, I know!  You got a ‘yucky’ in there!”  It even made sense to HIM that something ELSE, MUST be causing such a meltdown.  So I’d say “Let’s squeeze the yucky out!” and I’d give him a bear hug with one quick little squeeze, and then say “There it is!” (pointing)  “It just crawled under the curtain!”  He would quickly turn to see if he could “spot the yucky”  If he was still crying, it was usually about in half, and then I’d say “Oops, there’s another little one” and I would repeat the procedure.  He grew out of needing this around six when he hit the age of reason.  He never has tantrums anymore (eight) and has blossomed into such a beautiful, intelligent sweetheart.  Now he smiles knowingly when we perform the procedure on his little brother and sister. 

I got the idea one day when we were “hunting” for bad “plaques” who were trying to hide from the toothbrush in his back molars…:)

I too think this is an excellent discussion topic.  My mother was raised in an absolutely appalling home but she went on to provide a happy childhood for her 6 children.  I asked her one day how she did something that was supposed to be impossible like rise up and raise her kids differently when they always say you raise your kids the way they were raised.  She told me she knew she couldn’t follow her family’s example so she looked around and followed the example of the moms she knew who were really good moms.  And she did what they did. (It worked) Now-a-days, neighbors aren’t close and moms don’t get together over coffee and discuss things like they used to, so internet discussions help to fill that need.
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That said, I think there is a difference between staying calm and cool in a situation and withholding affection.  You may have to seem like you are unaffected by events for a little bit when you are faced with an injury or serious problem, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are withholding affection.  When I used to do recess duty I would see kids react all sorts of different ways to injuries.  Some would completely fly off the handle at the smallest thing while another student could fall backward off the swing and not even realize they had cut their head badly enough to require stitches until they saw blood on their coat.  I also saw parents react in different ways to their injured child.  Some were businesslike and matter of fact because they were trying not to scare their child, others would completely fall apart even with not so serious injuries.  The calmer parents generally were easily able to calm their children while the parents who freaked out always scared the wits out of their kids even if the kid was calm before mom showed up.  After witnessing this sort of thing time and again, I began to see why hospital emergency rooms tend to keep the parents away from the kids if there is a serious injury.  More often than not they make the kids more upset and harder to control.  A child who is too young to reason, is just going to need comforting, but you have to do that without freaking out.  An older child needs not only comforting, but also reassurance that they can handle whatever happened to them.  Some kids like hugs, some don’t.
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As always, you should know your kid and their preferences while making the judgement on how to respond to their injury. Although it seems like a no-brainer to me that making a big deal out of something minor should not be encouraged. Not that anyone here is saying that, I just think the mom that Simcha is quoting is worried that she may do that and damage her kids.

Lovingly, consoling a more seriously injured child is a SERIOUS no-brainer.

As a former hysterical, panicky kid, I can testify that the letter-writer’s approach is best at least for the kind of kid I was.  I used to frighten myself into holding my breath, sincerely believing I couldn’t breathe. I had to calm down before anything my mom said or did was any use. Swooping in to the rescue with hugs and kisses when a kid is that panicked just makes them more panicked.

Perhaps Simcha’s example was unfortunate.  I’ve known huggy or panicky moms who are still teaching kids not to be emotional.

I grew up in a family where display of emotion = weakness.  If mom panicked when somebody got hurt it was b/c she was afraid of being judged as a failure for letting her kids get hurt.  Otherwise, no, feelings, crying, emotions were stupid and signs of inferiority.

I have learned to “operate” in a feeling world but it’s sort of like a colorblind person pretending he can see differences in color when he really can’t.  I had to give myself “permission” to cry at a funeral.  Afterwards I still felt stupid and weak and inferior for having done so.  Emotional detachment still means inner peace for me.

But I’m not raising my kids that way.  And I try really hard to feel what I should and to navigate the emotional landscape.  I just don’t have any real connection to it.

To those who seem to think Simcha is a judgmental helicopter parent, I distinctly remember a column about her daughter falling on her face, getting back up without a murmur and running off, due to seeing her brothers do the same; also a column about the trouble with too-safe playgrounds that never allow for even mild danger.  She’s not saying we should all weep copious tears every time any kid trips on the rug; she’s talking about the apparent all-or-nothing approach of the letter writer in question.  If any comfort or affection is predicated on the kid not really needing comfort, then what’s the point?  Love becomes conditional.  Sure, we’ve all told a kid to shake it off, but that can’t be the *only* response we ever offer.  Hence the whole “justice plus mercy, confidence plus interdependence, wise-as-serpents-gentle-as-doves” thing.  And, as parents, we do have to give (in a way our kids can really “get”) love even when our kids aren’t acting lovable; that’s how they learn about God’s love.

No mention was made about the kid’s age and personality and the extent of the injury. I have no patience for kids who make a big fuss over insignificant bumps and bruises, but I have kids with wildly different personalities so I have to treat them differently. Two sons are so tough that if they cry, I run -while dialing 911! Another son is a “whimp” -cries on a dime. He gets no coddling from me over his alleged injuries, because I don’t want to reinforce his cry-baby behavior. I have one tough daughter and one drama queen. Again, I know which one can be safely told to calm down and suck it up. I give TONS of hugs & kisses at other times, because hugs on their own do NOT create weak, dependent or ‘sissy’ kids. My toughest of tough sons has a deep need for hugs and physcial contact -even letting me hug & kiss him in public!- yet he’s the manliest 13 year-old you ever saw!

I am so glad Christ doesn’t tell me to calm down and explain before I can throw myself into his arms. And my injuries are usually quite minor and self-inflicted.

So not a mom, teacher, eldest of seven, so kind of sort momish! One thing my mother told me to do in this kind of panicky situation is to tell the kid what happened. “Hey there, you are okay, you walked into a tree, just jumped out at you, you will see it next time, and it is going to hurt for a few minutes, but I will hold you till it stops hurting okay.” In my opinion not really either too emotional, or too spartan. The kids is in shock he has no idea why he is in pain, and no idea how long it will last and what the remedy is. This methods works pretty well when I try it. But picking up Simcha, from your thread, this is one my spiritual experiences. I feel like God is constantly saying, hey you just walked into a tree, yes didn’t see it huh, well here is the remedy and I will be with you until it stops hurting. I definitely credit this to my mother opening my ears and heart to the consolation of God.

@lost:

After I got to know my mother and her history better, I realized that there were many reasons she never developed any capacity for sympathy or empathy, and made little or no effort to change things once she came face to face with the results after rearing 10 kids. When I realized I could not give what I had never received, I decided I had to go and find it and share it with my two. It is a constant work in progress, requires effort, willpower, and the willingness to forgive. If my experience is example, you will be rewarded. My goals sometimes seem small by the world’s standards, but I am finally, at 50, beginning to believe not just that our Father loves me, but that I am worthy. God has been talking to me the whole time; I just didn’t realize the Voice was His.

LOL, I feel like a creeper for interjecting my opinion for a fourth time.  (Its only 9ish here on the west coast, and my husband is off picking his Mom up at the airport, so here I am again—yes, the kids are in bed, and yes I have a life:)!  I just have to comment on some of the responses here since they are seriously plucking on my heart strings… Remember when Jesus said with such heartfelt emotion: “Oh Jerusalem, how I long to gather you beneath my wings like a mother hen gathers her chicks…”  That is so UTTERLY TENDER!!  I think we should always err on the side of tenderness.  And yes, our “wuss” alarm does not need to be ignored, for the one who does need to be told to “man up”.  But even this message can be said with a smile.  Does anybody remember that film about Mother Teresa where she is going about her house for the dying, laying her hands on the heads of the suffering?  One of the sisters says that her “laying on of hands” actually alleviates pain.  I believe this! A mother’s hands should always bless and alleviate pain.  This gift comes with the package…Kids grow up before you know it.  Hugs and kisses when they are in distress are like making “deposits” in an account that they will draw from for life.

Hugs and kisses are what the children need when they are hurt and need to feel safe.  Every parent knows who their “drama” child is and usually knows the best way to limit the “drama”.

I don’t hold back on the hugs and kisses when my children are hurt.  When you youngest daughter was 18 mos old she had the first of three (Thank God it stopped) “breath holding” incidents.  She didn’t even cry.  I put her down so I could help her 4 year old sister and when I turned back (just seconds later), the 18 mos old was not breathing and was absolutely “lifeless” in my arms.  As I held her and ran to the phone to call 911, all I could think of was “how do I tell her siblings, we lost our baby”.  I honestly don’t know why I remember that, I’m sure 1000 thoughts were going through my head but I thought she was gone. 
So the long of the short of it is I do not EVER hold back hugs and kisses when my children are hurt.  You honestly never know if something could really be wrong and you don’t know it or the child can’t tell you.  There’s time to teach lessons and there’s time to show love.  I choose to show LOVE!

Catherine, I don’t usually post here but I have to say there are bazillion posts on Catholic teaching and the saints and theology. Go read those. We read this blog because we LOVE Simcha’s take on life! We read because she makes us laugh, and makes us think. It’s okay to pause and reflect on the big issues.

Not everything in life can be reduced to a ‘life of the saint’ story. Not everythign falls under ‘Catholic teaching words for the day’.

Simcha, I post your links everywhere and each other Cahtholic mommies I know cackle with laughter, or nod their heads, or even argue with each other. You start the conversation that we need to get us through the day.

The world is very tough and there will come a time when you will need help and no one; not your family, friends, co-workers, or neighbors will be there to to help you.  Will you have the strenght to get up dust yourself off and try again?  Those kids will.  Teaching children self-reliance is loving.

Also:  How old is the child?  2?  Or 12?

The crazy side of my family was the perfect example of what not to do.  The toddler would fall.  The mama would start screaming: “The BAYYYYBYYYY!!  OOOOOOOH, the BAAAYYYYBY!!” and the baby would start screaming in reaction to the insane mother. 

It was all about her; the louder she screamed, the more she could convince everyone around her that she was a concerned mother.

I always let my child react first and then I go from there.  If she’s not wailing, then I suck up my fear to help her know I’m in control and can help her.  Someone has to be the adult who can help fix what’s wrong. 

And then there was the time my own mother came running outside to see me unconscious in the road after being hit by a car.  I awoke to her screaming.  I felt awful that I upset her so much, never mind that I had a concussion and some neurological damage.  It was all about her.

Hmm… I kinda do what the woman mentions. But then I was abused as a child so maybe that’s why!? haha, no clue. Also I think I’m desensitized to trauma after seeing my daughter go through surgeries and everything we do to her seems to inflict horrible pain, so I guess you start to ignore that motherly affection thing. When people complain about how much it hurts them to see their kids get blood draws or needle pricks I just roll my eyes. It’s for their own good after all. And maybe I’m cold but I have no clue how to function otherwise? Sometimes you have to be stoic and then all the little things like needle pricks really aren’t a big deal and your kid begins to take them in stride too. I’m not saying telling your baby to suck it up when she falls and bumps her head, but if she’s 8 and she stubbed her toe on the drive way and is wailing away, I mean, come on. It’s a toe. Life is life. Go grab yourself a bandaid. But that’s how I’ve always functioned.

You are really funny. I think you would like the parenting is funny blog, managed by a Catholic woman. It’s also a nice humor break that helps parents feel better about themselves. http://parentingisfunny.wordpress.com

It’s always awkward for me to comment on someone’s parenting because I make so many mistakes and have many regrets myself. There are so many parenting theories, and mine change so fast my kids’ heads are spinning, but the one thing they can count on is lots and lots of affection. I think to have any kind of “system” about when or how or whether one will show one’s child affection is cold. Even if the intentions are good, it’s a calculating kind of parenting. I don’t hear the Mom saying “I’m just aching to take them in my arms but I want them to become self-reliant…” That’s what leaves me cold. I wonder what she received as a child, or what she receives from her spouse, when she is hurting.

The other odd thing is, this is not really teaching self-reliance. According to her letter, there IS the presumption that they need her help, and will receive it once they calm down and adequately explain the problem. So I don’t think it teaches self-reliance (or as she put it, “self-helping”) at all. Self-helping would be learning to wash and bandage a cut and handle emergency situations so forth. I don’t see any mention of that. The self-helping seems to be entirely based on controlling their emotions, and the delayed affection she gives is a reward for performance: for calming down and explaining the problem, for pulling themselves together and being strong, rather than a simple and natural extension of love toward someone who is hurting. You’re right, Simcha, she expects them to earn her love, and I find it disturbing.

She is also not the only person in her kids’ lives. They will get that message of independence and self-reliance from most other people in their lives: teachers, employers, etc. In fact, most of the world wants to teach them that lesson. They will have plenty of chances in life to deal with sorrows and difficulties alone. But a mother who refrains from hugging her kids till they jump through some hoop? Their mother should be their school of love, not the school of hard knocks.

When St. Therese wanted to find her mission in life, but all the vocations she read in the Bible—teacher, missionary, priest, etc.—seemed beyond her, she hit upon Love. Love comes before everything else, and if we have love, none of our other mistakes will leave any lasting wounds.

Well said, Missy.  Very insightful.

The writer didn’t say she wasn’t consoling or caring. You can comfort a child while waiting for them to calm down, perhaps with an arm around the shoulder or even with a soothing, quiet voice, or even rubbing his/her back. I DOUBT this mother is going off to the other room to do something else, leaving the kid by himself, until he’s calm, THEN looking at the boo boo. Just because a parent doesn’t get as upset/hysterical as the child, doesn’t mean there’s no emotion or empathy going on. Jeez people, lighten up! Someone’s gotta be the parent. Besides, if a kid’s got a bloody nose, what are you gonna do first? Grab tissues or put ‘em in a bear hug??? lol

That’s somewhat my style and it especially helps with the kids who are prone to hysteria. I don’t know if what you wrote about how this teaches poor reponsiveness to others is accurate. When my father was in critical condition in the hosptial, my brother-in-law thanked me for being level-headed and calm and not overly emotional. He said it really helped the whole family deal much better with organizing shifts to sit with my father and care for my mother. Was I cold, stoic and aloof when my father eventually died? Of course not. Was I able to grieve and comfort my mother and my children? Of course. It was actually my Drama Queen sister who had the hardest time supporting others since she was so wrapped up in her own grief.

And I have to say I do have a friend who made a big deal out of every hurt and injury with her eldest. He is one of the most complaining, critical young adults I have ever met. So immediate sympathy doesn’t always produce empathetic kids.