Thanks for this, Simcha! We are expecting our second and I feel overwhelmed some days managing a toddler and pregnancy at the same time, and then I think, how on earth am I going to do this when the baby is here? Of course, I forget in these woe-is-me moments that the next months will see my toddler growing up, too. He won’t have the same needs then that he does now, and he may even want to help!

Simcha, I’m pretty sure the Blessed Mother has a special crown in heaven for you for all the wonderful encouragement you give to mothers!  Maybe she’ll personally give you said crown in heaven while wearing PANTS!

ellen….what do you mean by Mother Mary while wearing PANTS?

I found the most difficult transition to be from one child to two.  For me, it was even tougher than zero to one.    Adding number 3 was a piece of cake.  And after that, they’re barely blips on the baby radar screen.  I think you hit your mom stride with number 3.  However, this time of year is especially tough when the kids are bigger.  And the stress is magnified each time another child hits schoolage.  This year I’ve got two different schools, next year this time, there’ll be three schools.  I detest September to such a degree that each year I briefly toy with homeschooling, just to get rid of the stupid (and an awful lot of it is stupid) school related stuff. 
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This is the time of year when I inevitably feel like I’m failing my children, because I just cannot meet their emotional needs.    I could do it when I only had two in school and one was an excellent motivated student with a great carpool for her extracurricular activity.    Now I’ve got tired little boys with ridiculous amounts of homework and still there is soccer and fall ball and dance and scouts and instruments to get them too.  Sure, we could drop all the stuff they love, but then their life is one long, dreary homework assignment and the ones who aren’t great at school will feel like they’re not good at anything when they happen to be great at soccer and baseball.  And the ones who are good at school, well, heck, they’ve got the time and they want to excel at their extracurriculars.
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Sorry for the ramble.  It’s been a tough couple of weeks.  I’ve been near tears several times, particularly with my one son’s emotional issues stemming from his early years of abuse.    I know this column was aimed at young moms, but this old and tired mom could use some prayers, please.

Thank you for this Simcha, it was so wonderfully written. I wish you wrote it 4 years ago when I had 4 under the age of 5! I wondered how much more of this open-to-life thing I could do. I was DONE! And now I have a beautiful 5 month old baby girl whom I adore snuggling with and am basking in all her baby-ness. Now I realize why people space their babies. I’m finally enjoying babyhood. And it is so much easier with a 9, 7, and 6 year old to help (the almost 5 year old, not so much). God bless!

As we expect baby number two in a few weeks and toddler #1 is driving me bonkers I needed to hear this. Thank you!

This column is so, so awesome, and just what I needed to hear. It’s so nice to hear some encouraging words instead of “YOU HAD BETTER BE ENJOYING THESE YEARS!!” I’ve noticed that people only say that about the baby and toddler years and not about any other stage, which is strange. It’s also nice to hear someone say that it does get easier. I know this already because my oldest is 8, but when she was younger people would always say “it doesn’t get easier, just different,” which was extremely discouraging. I know from experience now that that’s definitely not true!
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I doubt we’ll have a big family anyway (we have 3), since we have serious physical, psychological, and financial reasons not to have any more. I have actually felt relieved that we have “good excuses” from a Catholic perspective not to have any more, since I don’t particularly want any more anyway. I certainly don’t feel “sad” about it, like I’m “supposed” to feel. But after reading this, I think I understand why older people sometimes say they wished they had had more children, or regret that the circumstances in their life didn’t allow them to have more.

Also, I honestly thought I was the only Catholic woman in the world who wanted a big family before marriage and then changed her mind. I’ve heard of Catholics who thought they just wanted a few children and then became open to more later, but never the other way around.

I’m a stay-at-home dad and I really needed to hear this myself! Thanks for the encouragement Simcha!

Great points Simcha. I am one of those moms who is not in love with the baby years. I have much more fun when they are older and able to interact, and do more interesting things. I mean, let’s face it, it is way more exciting to cheer on your son in a U11 soccer game than to cheer on the 4 year old who just sort of trips over the ball. But I do cheer, for all of them, I just enjoy the older kids more. And Eileen, I hear you. I have 4 kids in 4 schools (that’s just how they do it here where I live, changing schools every few years) and I just had my 4th back to school night last night and I really felt drained, and put-upon by the schools that expect soooo much from us. None of it is actually helping the kids get a better education, it is just silly time consuming stuff to drive Mom crazy. Hang in there, we are all in the trenches together…

Thank you, Simcha, for emphasizing that there ARE all kinds of good moms!  And it does get easier. Well, until they are teens, anyway…

@SD - The number of parish women who’ve come up to me to congratulate me on a pregnancy or adoption has never surprised me.  The number that’s shocked me are those who do so with tears in their eyes telling me they always thought they’d have had more children.

Hey Eileen,  you sound like me.  Tired, old mother.  So this year I’ve got 6 kids(18, 16, 14, 12, 10, 9) in 4 different schools.  Threw in the homeschooling towel years ago because as someone once mused on this blog that “it’s just not okay to be around me all day”, but here we are in 4 schools, 3 different football teams, piano, dance, looking at colleges, SAT courses, and all the drama that two teenage girls can throw at me and eachother.  In two months, my 12 year old will turn 13 and I will be living with 4 teenagers.  We don’t keep a gun in the house, so it should be okay.  Oh and did I mention my bottom three boys are all dyslexic, just because God’s got a great sense of humor.  But actually, it’s been a blessing because it’s made them really hard-workers and kept them humble, (they’re great athletes, thank you God).  So, I feel your stress.  I, too, worry that all their needs have not and are not being met and I know I fail them time and again, but it’s in these areas that I turn to God and beg him to use the wounds I may have inflicted and let them experience Him and come to know Him through His healing love in those areas. Like little windows that I may have broken, I pray He enters in through.  It’s my only hope and consolation.  Because, as wonderful as it all is, it’s often very difficult and I am very fallen.  So, this tired, old Mom is going to be praying for you today and I can tell from your post, you’ve tried your hardest and given your best effort and that is all we will ever be judged on.  Meanwhile, let’s enjoy what’s left because it really is going fast.

Thank you so much Simcha! We only have one child so far (8 months)- I am a stay at home mom and I find these days very long and difficult. It is nice for some reassurance! It is always a good reminder to live today and not worry about tomorrow! Sometimes I feel like I will be trapped in Babyland forever and that’s not a good sign with only one babe around! It is so true that husbands sometimes have no clue how tired you can get! Our baby these days won’t sleep unless she is snuggled up close to me for naps and at night (Thanks Separation Anxiety). So it is easy to feel like the days blend together - I told my husband the other day - I can’t even be myself when I sleep I’m always on duty! So thank you so much for these words I will keep them close by!

I love this post! After having three children in three years, having to give up my job, and put my Master’s Degree on a shelf for a few years, I was very discouraged. I really actually said the words, “My uterus is retired.” Although we use NFP, I really didn’t think there was ANY WAY EVER that I could even THINK about having another baby——EVER! But thank God I didn’t let the “today me” fix tomorrow’s problems by doing using artificial birth control or having myself or my husband sterilized, (although after our third unplanned baby using NFP made the idea very tempting!)

We found a new method of NFP that worked for us, and we used it faithfully, following ALL THE RULES. I found an on-line support group of sorts for NFP couples. I prayed—a lot. I talked with my mom who is mother to 9. I talked with priests, and all the while, we kept using NFP. Then one day I started to feel like someone was missing in our family. At the time, I had to really think about responsible parenting because although when I had an 18 mo. old, 3, and 4 year old, I didn’t have a “baby” anymore, but man my hands were still VERY FULL. I prayed for peace in my heart, and we kept using NFP. Then, before I could blink, our youngest was three, then three and a half. Our oldest was in first grade, and our middle child was in preschool. Then something amazing happened, I WANTED to have another baby. It was a great feeling that never would have happened if we hadn’t been using NFP, because while NFP requires scientific biological checks and periodic abstinence, it also requires a couple pray over God’s plan for their family. We are now happily expecting our fourth child.

Thank you for this. I am surrounded by those who just love babies. But I just don’t having that cooing-over-baby gene. The older they get, the more I like them :D I have four and am fine with having more (they are now 12, 10, 5, 4)but for awhile I felt as though the kids would be my only life forever. Getting help from family so I could take breaks was sanity saving.

My sons are 19 months apart, I thought we would have lots more but God had another plan for us. Those days when they were toddlers were soooo hard. I felt all alone.
I truly cannot remember 1994.
Now they are both in college, we just got back from Parents Weekend at the Catholic college my oldest attends in Kansas.
Thank you for pointing out that it’s okay to feel stressed, bored, and overwhelmed. It was tough and now we are at a new stage and thanks be to God I have no regrets…

I came from a huge family, as did my husband.  I always wanted as many kids as possible and it took us 13 years to get to four.  I guess that’s all that was possible.  I’ve been through the years when I had four kids in four different schools, from preschool to high schools.  I know there were days (years) where I felt like all I did was drive and break up fights.  All I can say to all the other moms out there is this; it will be over so fast it will take your breath away.  And then you will find yourself with a bunch of grown kids who not only like to hang out with you, they love to hang out with each other.  Despite the eleven year age difference, my daughters are best friends.  My younger son now travels across state lines to hang out with the older brother he worshipped as a toddler and resented as a teen.  Like so many endeavors, the raising of human beings can be hard, boring, backbreaking and exausting but if you are lucky enough to see it through, it’s proof of a life well lived.

You are the bomb!  Thank you for eloquently explaining my happiness now that my children are 10 and older.  I love being a mother to older children!  I always thought there was something wrong with me in Catholic Motherland because I was happy the day my youngest started school and I look forward to hearing all about their days now that we can have real discussions.  Watching your son play varsity football sure beats Mommy and Me clases any day of the week!

Sometimes life with small kids can be “boring & hard” because we’re trying to be someone else’s mom, not ourselves.
It’s a very good point that we’re all differently made.Raising children can be much more enjoyable if we start listening to our own intuition a bit.And also quit “competing” with other mothers.
It all goes by quickly,at least in retrospect.Keep it simple, be whatever type of parent God wired you to be, & just use common sense.
And yes, after kids are 4-5 yrs old, some things do get easier-until they become teenagers…

There is a great deal of excellent insight in this column. But I can’t help thinking that it’s important to give couples plenty of space to simply change their minds when imagination is replaced by reality. Not everyone has the physical and emotional energy needed to keep a larger family buoyant on the sea of life’s demands.

I don’t think it’s terrible if someone who graduates with a degree in education decides to change to a different career after completing her student teaching credits. We don’t always know how well or how poorly we will cope with a particular kind of challenge until we get there.

Some people are beautifully suited to creating a healthy environment for a large family that is built on natural leadership ability, the ability to delegate, and the ability to maintain a relationship with each child that is intimate enough to discern and nurture his or her own unique gifts and to head off impending trouble. Other people do not thrive in an atmosphere where they must always be “on,” continually interacting with other people and never having solitary time. Not everyone is a good manager and there is no point to forcing such people into the job.

Good, loving families can be large or small.

Amen, cowalker! Not everyone is suited to having a large family. That is one of our serious reasons for not having a large family.

Thanks for another encouraging article. I think the point that every mother is not a baby person needs to be made more often.  I am not a baby person and thought I was a bad mom because I didn’t enjoy it until my first child turned two. Then I realized it wasn’t that I don’t like being a mom, it’s just that I find babies are rather boring. They are cute, but not very interesting. Of course, I have always loved my son and my subsequent children. I’m now about to have my third and am already forward to her second birthday!

Thank you so much, Simcha!! I was crying my eyes out this morning until I read your article. We just had out fifth a month ago (5 children, 7 and under). I am so tired, and worn out. I was feeling immensely guilty and sad about not enjoying this stage more. Guilty that I’m not a “homeschooler”, guilty that I’m afraid of another pregnancy, guilty that my kids aren’t getting all they need from me. But now,  I feel so much better. Confident that it’s okay if we slow down or even stop having kids. I know things will get better, but I want to live and thrive now, not just survive. Thankful that the Church is okay with that, and thankful that you clarified that so poignantly! God bless all new moms!

Love the part about not being a baby person.  I always say I’m not a baby person, and people automatically think I’m not happy being a mother.  So far from the truth, I just love love love toddlers and children and find babies to be a whole lot of work for the first 6 months.

Thank you Simcha!  I’m pregnant with my third child and type this as my three year-old throttles my 18 month-old on the kitchen floor.  Sometimes I do wonder if I’ve lost my mind!  :)  This was very encouraging.

I really wish I had read this about 10 years ago - before my husband was sterilized. We were just so tired, and yes, we were looking way into the future (thinking about how husband would be at retirement age once last child finished college). What was missing was a huge lack of trust in God (and more about NFP).  Thanks for all your encouragement to the mom’s out there.  I love babies and toddlers and really miss having children at this stage. I love being a mom, but I actually was never very good at home management, and could have been better at discipline (which is why we were so overwhelmed).  I never realized I could actually get better at both.

I think the difference between an unreasonable 13 year old and an unreasonable toddler is that at least the toddler is cute, cuddly and full of enthusiasm for life.  That being said, I am trying hard to grasp the fact that some people enjoy older children more than younger children, and I’m hoping that I’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that I like older children too (because right now I’m mourning the fact that the infant/toddler/preschool years are going by way too fast, and I can’t imagine it getting better than this).

My brain circuits are overloading.  Even trying to wrap my brain around this subject hurts.  Anyhow, sometimes I think, “Oh you sneaky God, for making me fall in love with all these beautiful creatures, knowing that they are going to purge the bejeebees out of me!”
I was standing after mass about a year-and-a-half ago with the wife of one of the guys I grew up with.  She was proudly declaring to me that they were “empty nest-ers now”.  I was patting my big belly and declared, “Oh, well, I’m Planned Parenthood’s poster woman, of what-not-to-be.”
Having a big family was *never* on the drawing board for me.  You could say I backed into most of my pregnancies.  My friends and family in high school and college would have laughed heartily if they were told that I, *me*, girl over there with the Vogue magazine tucked under her arm would have “all those kids”.  I wasn’t the cozy maternal type.  In fact, the night my water broke with my first,about 25 years ago, I had a nagging fear because my maternal instinct hadn’t kicked in yet.
Oh, did it ever kick in.
I have to agree with the other Moms here, that once you get to three you’re home free in terms of knowing your groove, and most everything comes second nature.  Even the sleep deprivation starts to be the new normal.  I found myself complaining less, and learning to just roll with it.  I’ve realized that one can expend so much emotional energy on angst, that it’s easier just to hunker down and embrace the inevitable with peace and prayers.
Can you EVEN imagine coping with some of the outrageous demands of motherhood without Catholic theology?
The other huge realization about being a mother was when I finally admitted to myself that having extended family around makes a HUGE difference.  My family drives me crazy half the time, but in terms of a million and one little and big things, it really does help.  I wouldn’t have survived the initial years on my own, AND kept having children every three years.  Period.  Moving away with five ages one to thirteen, really drove that point home.
Now I’m laughing about how life changes, because I’m on the other side of the mountain peak.  We’ve been through a lot, suffered enough not to want to quantify how much (get ready for this Hallmark/country-western line:) but have come through it all so much stronger than I could ever have imagined.  We pray more, pray *together*, try to control less, and enjoy our children.  We never stop worrying, but we just don’t let ourselves obsess.  We have kids that hike dangerous mountain trails, go rock climbing, backpack in Europe and sleep in trains (with Algerians hiding under the bed), go on five hour road trips…get held up at knife point in Barcelona…you get the point.  Two of them live in Berkeley.  (This is hair raising all on its own).
Okay, this slays me, and falls in with that great Irish line that “no good deed goes unpunished”:  My daughter will say, “Mom, you and Dad can’t go (to your favorite restaurant) tonight because it’s my five week anniversary with Mac and we already made reservations—oh, and can I borrow your new shoes?” (The ones you haven’t worn yet.)  So you not only changed five million of her diapers, packed her as many lunches, but she doesn’t want you to ruin her romantic,candle light dinner!  Yes, while the incense of your twenty-something formerly hot self (heh, jk)was burning on that altar, and you were snuggling your pudgy, nursey-nursey little God-send, you just can’t picture that pudgy, widdle dumpling, sucking up a Habenero tequila shot at your favorite swanky bar.
Yes, I know. YOUR children will be raised so WELL, that they won’t want to do your town’s equivalent of “the State Street crawl”.
I can’t end this comment with “the State Street crawl, so I’ll simply say that Simcha’s blog post was perfectly correct in saying that we shouldn’t extrapolate how we will feel in the future, based upon how we feel right now.  It’s simply impossible.  But I will admit to something she complained about in a past post, something women in babyland HATE:  I’m going to do it right now…It GOES so fast! It does! There, I said it. I both irritated you, and proved that I’m over-the-hill.
Love them and enjoy them, because they wave goodbye in the blink of an eye…

Thank you for this.

My seven month old, our only child, is going through a phase of waking up several times at night again, sometimes for hour-long stretches, and it is taking such a toll on me.

I used to say that I wanted 10 kids, but last night at 3am, sobbing, I told my husband that I can’t handle any more. Thankfully, he never takes me seriously at 3am, but I struggle with feeling like I’m just not cut out for this mom thing.

I’ve been trying to work on managing today’s challenges and not next year’s, so I’m really happy I read your blog today!

Thank you for this wonderful article!  My husband and I went from 1 teenager (a foster daughter) to adopting 3 beautiful children from Russia and then realized we were pregnant (about 3 weeks after we got home with our 3 toddlers)! 

We describe it as God’s little joke.  So, you think you can’t get pregnant???  Ha ha ha!  Not kidding: we tried for 13 years with me unable to carry a baby for more than 12 weeks.  All of a sudden, we bring home three children from Russia and I get pregnant easy as pie.  Would you believe I was so busy with my three darlings that I didn’t even notice that I was pregnant for 4 months!?!?!

Well, now I’m tired all the time and struggle to get the basics done.  I’m worried about my capacity to juggle, especially when our baby arrives in just a little bit now.  I pray I have enough patience and love to make it through the tough days!  My mantra: God wouldn’t give me more than He thinks I can handle.  I just need to figure out how to do what He wants me to do . . . Dear Lord, help me to be the mother you intended me to be!

With 4 children 4 and under, I definitely needed to hear this. I don’t remember when I’ve slept last, and it’s hard to imagine that some day, the terrorists ripping the house apart, will be semi-civilized enough to help out with day to day things.

After bawling at 2am this morning, I needed this. Thank you, Simcha.

@EP, Maybe give co-sleeping a try.  Nursing babies wake up more. I landed in the hospital with double lung infections when my first was five months. I was so worn down from getting in and out of bed, and/or having the baby turn “bright-eyed” in the wee hours, because I tried to let him “cry it out”.  I didn’t *want* to co-sleep but it literally saved my health and sanity.  I later perfected the method, with a bed-guard on one side, and a safe barrier between my self and the baby, so the baby wasn’t between my husband and I.  This method worked really well for all eight of mine.
“This too will pass”...:)Blessings.

Anna Lisa, thanks for the recommendation. We’ve done a little co-sleeping in the past. I’m considering revisiting it now if it’ll help.

Also, your first comment had me cracking up at my computer. If you have your own blog, you’ve got to post a link to it, and if not, you should start one!

My only gripe is that I really needed to hear this about ten or fifteen years ago when I was knee-deep in diapers and dishes.  :)  I can totally attest to the truth of what Simcha is saying.

I just put my 5 month old and my (newly) 2-year-old down for their afternoon nap at 11:15 am. Because I just.couldn’t.handle.another.minute.

Thank you. This is just what I needed to have pop up in my blog reader on such a day as today.

i am 90 yrs old, have 9 children and 19 grandchildren among 4 married children. Children are the only “thing” worth working for in this life. I believe when my marriage was consummated God Ordained that so many children are to come from this couple;  from zero to some number of babies. At the last judgement we better have a good answer to the question: how many souls did you bring along with you? Who is not here because of you? At the least my wife and I will not be lonely!

Thanks!  We don’t even have kids yet (married less than a month), but I’m a nanny for a very active, stubborn toddler and even though I get to go home to my husband (baby-free) at night, some days I start to think “maybe just one or two for us, after all…”  But you’re right, I would love to have older kids who can sing in harmony and play instruments and discuss literature and stuff. :)

EP: yes, Annalisa is a very gifted writer.  I wish I lived near her!

Mr. Kenna:  God bless you!

Thank you! I guess I’m echoing everyone else, but I really needed this. I am a young SAHM and I feel completely overwhelmed by my 13-month-old. Not to mention having everyone from my father to complete strangers constantly telling me that I **BETTER** enjoy the baby because it will “be over so fast” (as though a post-babyhood child is something to dread??). Anyways, I don’t like babies. There. I said it.  I love my daughter but I can’t wait until she is older and, well, less boring. Knowing that having those feelings doesn’t make me a bad Mom actually makes me feel more open to future children—so thank you for the reminder!  Keep up the good work!

Posted by anna lisa on Tuesday, Sep 25, 2012 12:28 PM (EST):@EP, Maybe give co-sleeping a try. “
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Great advice.Amen.

I love this post. Amen, amen, amen!

Mary, I also don’t understand what’s supposed to be so bad about a child who is no longer a baby. Shouldn’t we enjoy school-age children, teenagers, adult children, etc.? Yet there is no admonishment that we better be enjoying those years.

@EP, I was thinking back, and remembered that I sooo didn’t want to co-sleep, that I held out until he was about a year.  He was literally catapulting out of his crib, which was on the lowest setting.  I was scared to death he would break his neck.  I was trying to follow some stupid book which instructed me to let him cry.  He would cry until his gag reflex was triggered and then vomit.  All this took place while my husband was working AND going to college full time.  I remember literally getting on my knees and begging God to help me.  A really good book with a more natural approach really helped me feel human again.  I never owned a crib after our first kid..Haha, when my Mom found out what I was doing she accused me of being a hippy.
:)As for my own blog, lol I’m afraid I’d have to get serious and proofread what I’ve written :)I cracked *myself* up when I realized I submitted a phrase that read “backed into pregnancey”!:D (sorry).

Love it!  They ARE boring when they can’t interact, definitely for the first few months at least.  I love watching my 9 month old son be goofy and chase the dog, who now knows what it’s like to have some shorter creature chase you around bothering you.  I’m grateful he normally enjoys exploring and observing on his own; I have no desire to be someone else’s entire world.

Also, if someone asked me what was for Christmas dinner after I slaved away for Thanksgiving, my response to that person would be “Well for you, nothing at MY house!”

@Claire, I would have so. loved. to have a resource like this when I was starting out in 1987!  Who would have thought that I’d have an “internet homie” named Claire who lives across the country, and who knows how to admirably tell off surly-atheist-trolls without losing her grace and good manners? :):)

I wanted a lot of kids, and I am in a constant state of anxiety and cleaning (though the house is still never close to clean) because of my 3 kids under the age of 5. All I can say is, I sure hope you’re right.

Thanks so much for this, Simcha. I am, unbelievably, past the sleep-deprivation stage. It was rough, for sure. Never would have survived without co-sleeping, as Anna Lisa recommends.

My only addition to this fine article is one that was a surprise to me: it gets easier the more kids you have. In a sense, anyway. You see, at first, no one can go to the bathroom, put on shoes, feed themselves, get to sleep alone, play unattended in the fenced yard, or be left in a tub alone. Having babies close together can make a mom who has no other frequent helper (working-from-home daddy or lovely retired relative) feel like a complete slave to irrational babyhood. Three of my kids were born while my husband worked full time and went to school part time in the evenings, and boy did I ever find myself in a puddle of tears quite often.

But having more than one means that those same littles have friends and companions here at home. it also means that one fine day, the oldest will turn 8 and be an actual help (10 if he’s a boy), and then there is at least one person who knows how to turn off the stove if the pot is boiling over and you’re in the middle of changing a diaper. And more, one even finer day, those kids will all go outside together and play soccer, even the toddler, and you will sit in the house and just enjoy the silence.

Moms were never meant to be everything to their kids. A lot of what kids need they find from brothers, sisters, cousins, dads, grandparents, and pets!

God I needed that.  Thanks Simcha.

You always seem to write exactly what I need to read at that time.  Thank you.

I enjoyed my kids when they were little (“Daddy’s home!!) and enjoy them now as 19 and 15 year olds, respectively, even if sometimes they don’t reciprocate (“Oh my gosh…Dad’s home!)

Funny though, I thought it would be easier when they were older but I sometimes think about how great things were when they were littler and needed us more.  I am sure my wife thinks a little differently…I think she’s liking the older versions.

Sarah M ,
Check out Don Aslett’s books & cleaning supplies.I’ve used them for years & sent my daughter his microfiber mop.She went on to order his books, too.They’re a funny read & have great tips for keeping your home clean & uncluttered with the least amount of time spent doing it.
People discourage moms with young kids from obsessing over having a clean house,which is fair enough, but a cluttered, disorganized home can be stressful & depressing for everyone who lives there.

THANK YOU! I always wanted a big family too but with a 2 year, three month old, and a 5 month old, somedays I think I could not handle more toddlers. Maybe if they were cute babies forever. :) But truly, thanks for this.

www.wholeparentingfamily.com

“There’s a reason they generally come one at a time!” As a twin mum this made me laugh :-) Two happy occasions at the same time! Probably explains why the first 2 years were crazy. Very encouraging article, thank you.

We have two in college, one in hs, and five more under 12.  The baby is 3.  A few years ago, a few kids ago, I was actually embarrassed to be ‘out and about’ pregnant. Not only was I pregnant AGAIN, I was OLD and pregnant!  (three kids born after 41!)  But now, at the football games, when others our age are watching their second and youngest play their final season, we are envied in a way—not negatively at all.  We just have had so many people tell us how ‘lucky’ we are to have all the rest of the children.  Now we know it’s not ‘luck’ and they know it’s not ‘luck’.  We hear from many people that they wish they would have had more children and not worried about what they could or could not handle, afford, etc.

To the mom of the young ones—it just gets better and better and better and better.  Promise.  No kidding, no cliches, no cutesy stuff.  It’s hard as heck when they are young—physically.  It’s hard as heck when they are old—mentally.  And you will go through the period when you are dealing with both ends.  But His Grace is Sufficient.  He will get you through it all and make all that other stuff seem like nonsense in the end.

Thanks Simcha! I’m a little over my head still. But I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are expecting our 6th baby next month. Our oldest is 8 yrs old. I am not 32 until November. If I did not take one day at a time I would totally freak out. I mean, I’ve got tons of child bearing years left. It is scary to think about going through all this pain again and again and again. The worst part is when moms in their 40s say that I’m lucky because I’m having my 6th when I am young when they had their sixth in their 40s. I just think, what if I’m having my 11th or 12th in my 40s? And then I am terrified. All I can think about is having this baby right now and worrying about the future in the future. Thanks so much for your writing. You make me laugh and encourage me that is so essential for survival!

I’m a single father and have been raising my four sons alone for about four years.  Yes, sometimes I think I’m going cuckoo and I’m tired most of the time, but they are my life.  I can think of nothing I wouldn’t give for another child or two (or three). 

Of course, a good, holy woman to bear them would be very welcome as well.

Sure, I loved my babies but they were mine and therefore, oh, so special.  Other babies?  Not so much.  Don’t get me wrong, I do like them…for about a minute and a half.  Sure, I know they’re intrinsically a good thing, but when I went through that phase of “Nope, no more for now”, I ended up staying that way.  I didn’t have more and I’m quite glad of my smallish family.  All that stuff I put on the back burner while they were small is now back out, front-n-center, and I am living life with a vengeance!  I absolutely love all the free time I have, now that my kids are grown/older teens.  We have a blast together but most of all, I relish all the things I want to do, exactly when I want to do them; I’ve been waiting 20 years for this.  I actually restarted my singing career and it’s been somewhat financially successful; I get FAR more fulfillment doing this than I ever did caring for babies.  I’m glad I had them.  But I’m even gladder they’re grown. 

PS, Edward Kenna?  God saying “Who is not here because of you?”  That’s not Catholicism.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I’m a mum of 7 under 11 years and am exhausted!  I always wanted a big family and now I have it.  But gosh it is hard work.  I crave the day when I will be able to spend a whole day by myself with no one else around, just to do what I want.  Then I realise it’s not going to come soon.  But I wouldn’t be without any of the children.  They are just all so amazing and such precious gifts.  We are truely blessed.  Thanks for your encouragement.

Thank you for your perspective and wisdom. I think it is very helpful for many people.

But there are other sides of this story, too. I was one of many children, and things never got better for my mother, or for my family. The emotional, practical, and financial stress of having child after child never got better, and it took its toll on tempers and on relationships. It meant my sister and I, as the oldest children, shouldered far more work and responsibility than we ever should have had to because my mother and father were in no shape to properly care for us. It meant my parents’ marriage dwindled to a shell of what it should have and could have been.

And I have seen many other cases similar to that of my family. Cases where older children were ignored because of the endless stream of babies and toddlers in need of constant attention. Mothers driven to despair when all the promises that “it will get better” never came true.

I urge you mothers out there who are desperate and despairing at the thought of having child after child—it is *imperative* to think about the future. Yes, dealing with today’s problems is paramount. And these feelings may well be passing, and the fears unfounded. But in some cases, they are not. Use wisdom, self-knowledge, and prayer to make decisions about your family size. Consider all your options.

I love you, Simcha. Sooo needed to hear this as we expect #4! I’m not a baby person (though they are cute!) and need to be reminded it’s all very temporary! Thanks.

I think the reason for hearing advice about enjoying the early years, vs the school years, teen years, adult years, etc is that the early years are more fleeting.  Infancy is shorter than school years.  Toddlerhood is shorter than teen years.  Also, the innocence, sweetness and enthuiasism of these years is very unique and hard to recapture later in life.  I understand (or am trying to understand) that some people aren’t overly fond of the early years), but there are things about them that are worth savoring.  It doesn’t mean that there aren’t good things about the older stages, at least that’s what I’m hoping.  My son is four, and I love his current stage just as much as I loved his infant and toddler stages.  But when I look at his baby pictures, I want to pick up that little baby and hug him so bad that my arms ache.  I wish I had been able to savor that stage more, and I know some day I’ll wish that I had savored his current stage more.  Which is why I am grateful for every reminder that I get.  Maybe I would feel differently if I had a big family, or the potential to have a big family.  But he’s it for me, and there’s no way that I’m going to rush or wish away his childhood.

Theresa (4:16 pm) I am a little behind - 29 and pregnant with #4 - but I’m definitely getting the same feeling. So many fertile years left! And my body already feels tired. But then on the other hand I sometimes think: what if something happens that prevents us from having more? Product of working for an OB/GYN for a time. We could just as easily end up with less than we thought we wanted. So I probably need to take Simcha’s advice and not think too hard about the future, and let future-me cross those bridges :)

Laurie, Thankfully there is NFP for those who are having “child after child” and are suffering beyond what is normal.  I’m sorry that your parents had such a fractured marriage.  Just looking at the divorce rate leads me to think that couples should consider going to marriage counseling just like they go to have regular check-ups, haircuts or their teeth cleaned.  What could be more important for a family than the parents’ healthy marriage?  I wish couples retreats were touted more by pastors, priests and lay groups, and that they were looked upon as highly, as say, going to a spa and getting facials or couples massages! Is it just me, or does the thought of going to “Marriage Encounter” feel like you’d be waving a red flag, shouting “Hey everybody!  My marriage is sucking!” Maybe Simcha can do a future blog post on how to honestly analyze one’s marriage, and signs of health and or fracture since this is literally the heart and life blood of the family… “Do you kiss your husband/wife like you used to?” “Do you pray together?” (Not just at mass!) “Do you refrain from sharp words?”...It seems to me that a marriage can get in trouble before one really comes to terms with a decline, but there are lots of warning signs to be on the look out for.  Adding a new baby to a near train wreck is pretty volatile.  I’m sorry this left you so burdened.

Our 5th was born a week before the oldest turned 6, and I was only 29.  It was a very trying time in our lives.  I was so tired of body fluids and whining and feeling fat, and I missed sleep like an old crack habit.  But it WAS only temporary.
Now?  Ages 5-11.  Piece of cake.  Sort of.  Relatively speaking.

give the old way a try: feed them, bathe them occasionally, and tell them to go outside and play.

Huzzah to Simcha and all who lovingly, honestly comment.  What a great group of gals: so much hard-earned wisdom & humility.  I wholeheartedly agree with the perspective involving today-you facing tomorrow’s perceived problems.  Twenty years ago, I never would have scripted this bustling life for myself. In fact, a glimpse would likely have sent me screaming & running in the other direction. Now, I look at all of the blessings and burdens, and know without a doubt that our God reigns…and loves us with deep, eternal intimacy.  One bit of practical advice to any mom who’s struggling: find & sign up for a Holy Hour nearby.  Practically, an hour of silence is priceless.  Spiritually, nothing refreshes the soul and energizes the weary mind like time with our Lord.

Babies are tough… demanding. Look one day at a time… never at what other moms are doing, what number they are having, or what other people think. You are a good mom because you love… the really bad moms are the ones who don’t even try.

I think the encouragement you give is great and very welcome. However, would the questioning of what I (mom) want even be coming up if it weren’t for contraception? Because there is now some way of preventing what usually happens when a women marries and has sex in her fertile years? Maybe I’m not stating myself very well, but when I read older books - fiction or bio (I’m currently reading an old-fashioned one “Applesauce Needs Sugar” by Victoria Chase), you get the sense that women accepted the fact of fertility and it’s results and just dealt with it as best they could. I think discontent usually creeps in if you start thinking “I can stop all this.” To put it another way, if you lived 100 years ago, washing laundry by hand, you wouldn’t be grumbling to yourself, “If I only had a machine to do this. Something that runs on electricity, pumped in water and agitates…” No. It was unimaginable. You just did it because it had to be done that way. Now that we have washing machines, we’d bitterly miss our machines and going back to old-fashioned ways. However, I think now in our contraceptive/self-centered, masters of the world culture, a mother has to have an “old-fashioned” attitude toward her children and family life and forget the “what-ifs”.

I have read many of your posts, Simcha, but never one that so affirmed where I am. I have *only* 3 children so far, ages 5 and under, and I have been told directly by other moms that it doesn’t get any easier. But I REALLY find my 5 year old easier now that he and I can have a rational conversation! Thank you, Simcha. Thank you for saying that it is okay to prefer “older” kids, or at least kids you can really converse with (as opposed to a 1 year old).  Thank you for saying that I could still be a good mom even if I don’t relish every moment of toddlerhood (like I imagine my Catholic friends do).  Thank you for saying it gets easier, at least physically.  I would definitely like more children, but the pregnancy and newborn part I could REALLY do without! More kids doesn’t phase me—being physically wiped out beyond belief does.  Not for me, thanks. And to moms who have their oldest as being only 8 months old or a couple years old—YES, it feels interminable.  I felt exactly the same way! Especially bored when I *only* had one!!! Having only one baby is way more boring than having a baby and a toddler! And it really gets better—sleep-wise, discipline-wise, etc—even when they hit age 3 and especially age 4!!!  Thank you, thank you, thank you Simcha, for telling it like it is and giving true encouragement to me instead of all the people who tell me to “enjoy these years!” You know what I think? I think people constantly say to enjoy the years with babies/toddlers becuase on some level they know you are NOT and they are trying to encourage you to see the good parts of it while it’s there. That’s my take-home message.  God bless all us moms.

I would gladly take on the pregnancy and newborn parts for you, coming from someone who has never been able to be pregnant for more than 13 weeks, and has only been able to enjoy the newborn phase once.  And who didn’t enjoy every moment of toddlerhood, but also does not find one child to be boring.

I remember 31 years ago when the first was born and every 2 years after that as they kept arriving. And I cried often for so many different reasons! I remember 15 years ago standing in the corners of 4 different soccer fields turning and cheering 4 of my kids on. I remember sobbing as they left the nest for college every two years. And then hiding after their graduation because God hadn’t quite given them the answers to their question of what they were supposed to be doing and home seemed the best place for them to hang out until they figured it out.
I remember the first one to be married and our first grandchild. And this summer, several beautiful weddings and watching our wonderful family unite with other great families. And I pray there will be more little ones to cuddle and rock. There are a few discerning God’s will and while I think they would still ask us (unless they think we’re senile), sometimes a brother or a sister has a better answer.
I love remembering, both the good and the bad! My life would have been so different without our little blessings.
And Dear Claire, I will pray that God has many blessings for you although we can’t know His plans. I will not forget you in the days and years to come! God bless!

When my first was born, my thoughts were the title of this page. Then when the second came along, I thought “this is easier than I thought it would be.” It really does get easier, and my oldest is very helpful while my youngest is surprisingly obedient for a 19 month-old. And now I can’t wait to have five more. Personally, I prefer the newborn stage. I LOVE tiny babies! They are the best! I am not looking forward to my little girl turning 5 next year, but I am proud of her development. Still, I miss when my babies were itty-bitty. And, wow, I am just rambling on and on and on… Okay, time to stop and take a shower before the toddler wakes up!

My dear sister-in-law said that after one has three children, it doesn’t really matter how many more you have. One needs to start out with the knowledge that all life is in God’s hands and He will never ask us to do more than what we are capable of. Her six children and my six became best friends and brought great joy to our homes over the years. Let’s pray for all mothers today who face such great challenges.

Carmen:  I’m so with you!  I love the newborn stage, too.  I will say that it was the one and only stage that I’ve experienced (so far) where boredom was sometimes an issue, since there’s only so much you can do with a newborn. And, my son was a challenging baby, so (like any stage) it had its stresses. But I still found it to be such a sweet stage, and it flew by even faster than the others. 

Catherine:  thank you for your kind words.  I have one beautiful son who we adopted as a newborn.  While I sometimes feel cheated since I was only able to experience babyhood once, and I often feel guilty about my inability to give him a sibling, I have to say that I truly savor my one-on-one time with him.  It is a gift.

AMEN! Wonderful words of wisdom. I am a mom of four boys and i wish somene woukd have old me this years go.It was and is a great ride where our Good Lord has tried to teach me many a valuable thing. Wish i would have relaxed, but that too was a lesson.  Thanks o muc and God bless you!

What I love about this post is that is applies to a lot of people who aren’t mom’s of young children.  This quote really hit home for me: “Also, don’t underestimate how much being tired affects you.  Being chronically tired month after month, even year after year—and maybe feeling like your husband doesn’t fully understand just how tired you are—it has a cumulative effect on your spirit.  You don’t even know you’re tired after a while.  But it makes you stupid, and sad, and discouraged.”
I worked full time while getting a graduate degree and am watching a friend finish the same.  This quote seems to apply to us as well, especially since people (not necessarily husbands) who live under the same roof have no clue what it’s like to be That Tired All The Time.  And I see the same type of wear and tear on others who are perpetually worn out and misunderstood for different reasons. So thanks for giving me something to share with others, even if the circumstances are different than your original intent. It’s nice to know it’s normal to feel that way.

I hope everyone reading this column will help me multiply its effects in the world and pray for all the moms and dads reading and struggling. I can use the prayers, for sure! I have also offered up a prayer for all of you.

I don’t really mind the “perpetually tired” part.

What I really mind is when my husband says, “I have been working all day so I need to sit down right now,” while I am cleaning up supper, giving baths and getting the kids ready for bed. That is when Dad gets to have the fun job of tucking them in while I finally get a chance to sit down. :(

BM:  that is totally unfair.  Why is it so hard for some people to realize that a SAHM has been working all day, too (and a mom of many probably sits a lot less than the average office worker!).  I do think that having a husband who “gets it” probably has a big impact on helping moms to enjoy the early years more.

” It’s not as if adding to your family will just keep multiplying the work and stress.”

False. Of course it multiplies the work and stress. Anyone who has more than one kid knows that.

Bob ,
True,it multiplies the work & stress in some ways but decreases it in others.If you have a large family you know exactly how that works.

BM ,
I hear you, but I find after you work outside the home all day you can see the other side,too.

Thank you, Claire & Kathleen. It IS important to see both sides. I work a full-time paycheck job and bring my babies to work with me. We all get back home at 5pm. :) Sorry, I didn’t specify.

BTW - I do have a genuine and loving husband who gives of himself for us so much! I mentioned the “sitting down” bit as it added to the “things that help/don’t help” discussion.

Hey, Corita, I’ve missed hearing your voice.  Reading Catholic comboxes has changed the way I pray.  I have a heightened sense of solidarity with others. Just seeing how perfect people’s lives look like at mass is a bit misleading.  When I hear an anguished voice here, where we are free to be honest,it can strike such a deep chord because that voice in pain might feel like an echo from my own life—I understand that pain.  After praying for my own children (“do not even the pagans love their children?”...) I find solace by praying for others and honored by this opportunity.  I had a miscarriage last week—my fifth, but did really feel solace in all the prayers and blessings people offered on our behalf, (thank you btw!) and felt very much a peace that we rest safely in God’s hands, even when things aren’t happening as we’d hoped.  We named the baby Robert Francis.  Ha ha, we just knew he was another boy!  That night I dreamed of him.  We were at a big family gathering, and I didn’t quite know who one of the teenagers was.  when I inquired, my sister looked at me like I was an idiot and said “That’s Robert!”—to which I cupped his face in my hands, delighted over how much he looked like his brothers…(Our heavenly rooting section is getting quite large)
Anyhow, offering this all up with more serenity than in the past, and praying for you and your family too.

BM:  wow, you really do have your hands full.  I worked fulltime outside the home when my son was a baby, and much as I missed him desperately, I can’t imagine caring for him and doing my job simultaneously.  God bless all you busy families!

Oh, Anna Lisa - I’m so sorry.  I will pray for you and your husband.  I know Robert Francis is praying for you in Heaven.

I’m so sorry, Anna Lisa.  Your family will be in our prayers.

:) Thank you :)

Just what I needed to hear… THANK YOU.

Simcha, God really uses you to bring encouragement to others—may He bless you abundantly!

Great advise, It i all a great mystery,but relying on His grace is a real consolation, knowing He is bigger that our exhaustion, weaknesses etc. We are expecting our 12th and what fullness God has blessed us with, as we keep our eyes fixed on Him, while offering out joys and sorrows and trusting in His will.

Anna Lisa, I am so sorry about your miscarriage!  I don’t know how I missed that.  I was so excited to hear about your pregnancy, and I’m so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your precious baby way too soon.

I have a perception that women are not supporting each other as much as they used to and more mutual aid is needed.

Claire, you’re sweet, thank you.  I’m choosing to see only blessings.  I’ll wrap my arms around this sweet little soul, sooner or later…Right now I’m in kind of a weird 40-something stretch of the road.  I read statistics, so I’m not in the dark, but we’ve been far too chastened to close a door now.  I just stare at God and say: “Not my will but yours be done.”  What blessings may come, will come ...I may keep that heavenly nursery busy for a while.

Wow!  Lots of comments!  Maybe my wife (mother of four) and mom (mother of seven) really are heroines!  Of course they are. 
Moms have never, and will never, get the support and recognition they deserve.  The most they can hope for is a loving husband and grateful children - when the kids are grown.
Sometimes there is support - my Mom had her sisters and sisters-in-law, my wife has mothers at church who share her (happy) grief.  More than that - forget about it!  The whole scheme of this world is against mother and family.
I am a Catholic school teacher.  I often have to deal with the behavior of the spoilt snots of the world’s prescription of “career and motherhood NOW” moms.
Give your children time.  Don’t indulge their whims, thinking it will make up for your lack of interest.  A Catholic or private school can’t compensate for the lonely home life of your children.  Would it matter to you, if you knew, they say to me that they’d rather stay after school cleaning the room than go home?!
Dear Moms, talk to the husband.  Get off the pill.  Love your kids. 

Posted by Andrew Wolfe on Thursday, Sep 27, 2012 10:06 PM (EST):I have a perception that women are not supporting each other as much as they used to and more mutual aid is needed.”
***
Traditionally women used to spend more time with each other-washing clothes at the river, harvesting crops,sewing,multiple generations living in the same home, etc.In some places, society’s still like this. Our lives have become easier in many ways, but we’re more isolated from each other.

Thanks Simcha, I love your posts, they are filled with encouragement for those of us struggling. One cannot underestimate the difficulty of being open to life and raising a large family in this day and age. Things you might be asked to give up: retirement savings, nights out with one’s spouse, Catholic schools, savings for college, sharing a meal with friends, owning a home, shopping without kids around, family outings together. Not everyone will be asked to give all of these us, but everyone who welcomes life will undoubtedly face real hardship. I wish the Church had more of an eye to the needs of large families because some are suffering in silence, when a simple offer to watch their children for a night might make all the difference in the world to them. Others who have their kids in Catholic schools might be helped if someone said, you have enough on your plate, offer what you can for tuition, and volunteer where you can—rather than try to extract every penny from them and every ounce of their free time. None of us want to ask for things, we all try to put on a good face, but it would be nice if we made more of an effort to pay attention to the needs of other families around us. Your words in your columns are a very thoughtful gesture of encouragement to all of us.

I just read this to my husband because it said very well what I have been going through but didn’t know how to say. And instead of caring he said, “Oh, yes, that is EXACTLY what I have been going through. I wish you’d see that.”

*sigh*

OK, I’ll admit it and hope I am not lynched. I AM one of those people who loves babies. And toddlers.  I may not have been the best mother of older kids.  I was a poor manager and a poor disciplinarian which was not helped by not being supported by my husband the rare times he was around.(He was not around because he was working 80 or more hours a week in restaurants to support us.)  So we were not an ideal family. I homeschooled for two years and was not great at it. I was even worse at meeting the exaggerated demands of Catholic schools.  I almost never watched anyone’s sports games as I had too much to do at home and besides I was bored silly by it and couldn’t care less who won. When I was a kid in the fifties, only fathers had cars, which they drove to work, so no one could expect mothers to be driving kids around to the practices of five different youth soccer teams, as I was once supposed to be doing, all while I was trying to cook on a wood stove and raise chickens and pigs, and manage a quarter acre garden and can its output,  and nurse a brand new baby. (The baby developed failure to thrive, after I had successfully nursed 8 other kids; I had to put down my foot and say that we would leave for soccer when the baby was done nursing, and I would leave to pick them up when the baby was done nursing, and they could just wait!) One thing which really helped me was that when I was pregnant, a faculty wife, the mother of 8, gave me Niles Newton’s “Family Book of Child Care.”  One thing it said was that even women who planned on a large family sometimes felt they could not do it any more, and she said she thought this usually came around the fourth baby, although it might be the third or the fifth. For me this happened just as she said, with the fourth.  All the time I was pregnant I thought I couldn’t possibly take care of one more baby.  She said subsequent babies would be much easier, and she was so right.  It helped me to know that I was not the first woman to run up against that brick wall feeling.  This was even more important because there was no internet then.  I guess what I want to say is that we all are better at some parts of mothering and running a family than at others, that all families have problems, that the perfect family does not exist, but that if you are agonizing over whether you are being a good enough mother to your kids, you almost certainly are. Mine are grown and it is great to know them as adults, great to see how they, for the most part, support each other in life, great to see how they have gone beyond their parents and acquired knowledge and abilities way past our own.  I feel a sense that despite our flaws and inadequacies, the project we engaged in of having them and raising them was a worthwhile one.  Those of you who are struggling in the baby years, please take heart.

As for the 90 year old Mr. Kenna’s comment, he isn’t entirely wrong or entirely right.  It might be that God would say that to someone whose vocation was to be the mother, or father, of many.  After all, we believe that some men refuse to follow God’s call to the priesthood, right? Or else we would have enough priests.  So it can’t be impossible that some who are called to mother many, have refused.  But it also isn’t true that every one of us is so called.  The woman who gets post partum psychosis, is probably not so called, to give an extreme example.  The one who needed C sections and now has a uterus so thin in places that the doctor can see through it, is probably not so called.  And likely there are other less obvious reasons that some women are not so called. So, which are you?  Just as with a vocation to the priesthood, this is something which takes discernment.  Prayer, spiritual direction, more prayer. Don’t let anyone talk you out of this vocation, and don’t talk youself out of it, if it is yours, though, even if you shrink from it at times. On the other hand, perhaps what God wants for you is to raise two children and then run a charitable organization, or be a great teacher.  Just don’t decide without asking Him. Right?
Susan Peterson

Susan:  I hear ya (about loving the baby stage, and about the sports, although the cuteness of a little toddler running around the soccer field might keep me entertained for a while).

I’m a pretty young mom (baking number three) but just a word: dads can feel like this, too. I’ve learned I have to avoid just offhandedly talking about us having scads of kids (me, I just kinda figure it’s probably gonna happen and don’t sweat it overmuch) because the hubs kinda short-circuits. He’s a math-head so he can’t help running the numbers and going into panic mode. :P (I can’t imagine him getting to the point where he wouldn’t want another baby, though - he’s the one that loooooooooves the baby stages. Which is all kinds of ridiculously adorable, btw.) Really recommend making the one-step-at-a-time approach a couple effort - it really cuts down on the freaking out. :P

You might think it strange for me to be commenting about this seeing as though I’m not even married, and maybe I shouldn’t even be reading this sort of stuff before I need to, but this article made me grateful.
Not grateful that it all seems too horrible and I’m glad it’s not me kind of grateful, but grateful for unique plans that God has for all of us, individually.
Wouldn’t it be too horrible for us all to follow the same carbon-copy life cut out? How good is God to know each of us so individually and determine the very best for us?
It’s been tempting for me to look at my life and not see God’s hand in it.
This is my 8th year of (more or less) full time study and no boyfriends - yep, zero, never (and I’ll be 29 next year). But you know what? I’m grateful for that! I just don’t know that I could have had the emotional capacity to cope with so much study and paid work and make time for someone else.
I’ve stopped feeling selfish about that, because as far as I know, the day after I graduate from my last degree could be the day I meet my husband, or it could be that that day never comes.
Perhaps instead of sleepless nights worrying about my own children, I’ll be having sleepless nights looking after a sick relative (God forbid) or someone else’s kids.
It’s so weird, but it is tempting for a single woman in my position to look at her friends with young children and think ‘Gosh, I must be living a half life - i’ve never had to get up in the night more than once for someone else - maybe that sort of means I’m a bit useless, that (even though this is so silly to say and read on screen) - I’m less of a woman?”
But none of us knows what God has in store, and I’m ok with that. My own parents waited 8 years to have me, initially started out wanting a whole soccer team of kids and ended up with 3. Not “just” three, but three.
I look at them now knowing them as I do, and I honestly don’t think they could have ever coped with a soccer team!!!! Not my Dad anyway!

But in finishing up, I do worry that women are only learning about NFP AFTER they get married when things are tough. My sister (bit younger than me and also unmarried) is going to learn the Billings method and I want to learn well before I will ever need it.
I would never judge another woman and her husband for the choices they make regarding spacing (or not), but please, consider the single women who see you and try and look for the women we knew and only see a shadow of what you were. It’s not a good look or very encouraging (not that you need to have extra pressure put upon you) but it might be a very small (the smallest) thing to consider.

A Catholic family comes in all shapes and sizes, you don’t have to have 5 kids under 5 or hit 12 kids to qualify!!!

I ONLY have four kids, but I have had periods of time after each child—yes, EACH child (probably the longest with the first one, incidentally)—when I thought, “Wow, we just can’t have another one.  We just can’t.  It’s really too bad, because we talked about having a big family, but it’s clear that we just can’t.”  I try to tell every new mom about this, because I have another secret:  Baby #4 is the easiest!  And it’s not only because she’s laid back, but also because I have the help of a 9-year-old girl and two others, who happily help out around the house.  And I have a baby, who happily plays the role of Chief Cheer-up Kid—when one of her older siblings is cranky, I put them in charge of her, and pretty soon, they’re cooing happily about how cute she is.  It’s not all sunshine and roses, of course, but it is MUCH easier.

Maria is a devout Catholic:
She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

‘At last, they’re finally together.’
A man standing next to the priest asks, ‘Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?’

The priest says, ‘I mean her legs.’

Simcha et al,  After wandering in the desert for 25 years I experienced a radical reversion back to the church in large part due to my wife’s radical conversion into the church.  At the age of 45 I fully accepted (and wholeheartedly agreed with) the teachings of the church regarding being open to life (in other words not using birth control).  My wife and stopped using birth control and over the past 4 years we have had 3 children.  It’s been the most difficult and the most fulfilling thing I have ever experienced.  Most nights my head hits the pillow no earlier then 10 or 11 pm and both my wife and I are utterly exhausted.  Most nights we have to get up at least 2 times to tend to a crying child.  Here is the kicker, for the first time in my life I know what it means to be at peace.  I am learning day by day to give more of myself and I pray daily for the heart of Jesus.  My wife and I love reading your posts, you inspire us and give us reasons to laugh and be thankful.  God Bless you.

I’ve been following your blog for a little while now, this is my first time leaving a comment. I always thought I wanted a big family, but now I have a two year old and a 5 month old and I’m losing my mind. I am six months away from having that next baby I couldn’t imagine going through all this again with. As my husband and I keep begging God to give us the grace to lovingly accept this newest life, I am soaking up all of your “yes you can love your big family” posts. Being the only NFP’ers in our families, we really appreciate and are encouraged by your experiences and outlooks. Thank you for blogging the way you do!