What's the one thing frazzled young moms always hear? "These years go by so quickly -- enjoy it while you can!" Which is sort of like getting a severe sunburn and hearing, "Summer will be gone before you know it -- enjoy it while you can!"
Oh, settle down. I'm not really saying that spending time with your nice little baby is a blistering agony. As the proud owner of a schnoogily, schnoogily little baby girl who has two pearly little teeth and the cutiest, wootiest style of scooty crawling that any baby in the history of ever has ever invented because she is brilliant, believe me when I say that there is nothing nicer than babies. It's true: Babies do grow up incredibly quickly, and the special joy of the baby years melts away like fog in the midmorning sun. I'm not looking forward to the day when my kids will be gone.
Still, there is only so much joy a person can stand. I can remember, for instance, having three children, all in diapers. When my husband came home in the evening, and I would feel confused, unsure of how to deal with something that wasn't a bottom. I knew he had many wonderful qualities, but my favorite thing about him was that he could pour his own juice. All day, every day, everything was up to me, me, me, and even though I loved my work, it was unrelenting.
In short, I was stuck in Babyland. Babyland is a wonderful place, where all the voices are squeaky, all the clothes are adorable, love and affection flows freely, and where mothers often go to lose their minds entirely, and would trade their immortal soul for five minutes of adult conversation and an uninterrupted cup of coffee.
So when I see a young mom struggling wearily through the day, I don't tell her, "These days go by so quickly," even though this is true. What I say is, "The years go by quickly -- but the days sure are long, aren't they?" And then I say, "Don't worry -- you won't always be stuck in Babyland."
I'm not stuck in Babyland anymore, even though I still have a bunch of little kids at home. These kids can't do much for themselves, and a good part of my day is still caught up with wiping hands, faces, bottoms, and ceilings (don't ask). But I no longer feel like I'm going to go cuckoo because of my responsibilities.
There are a few reasons for this: more maturity, more skill, more perspective, more help from my husband. But most of all, it's because along with the little, helpless ones, I also have older kids. Simple, right? But you'd be astonished at how much difference it makes.
First I realized that someone else -- yes, someone else -- could pour a bowl of cereal for the toddler. Life-changing.
Someone else could hunt for a missing sneaker while I searched for my keys.
Someone else could hold the baby while I rescue an overconfident three-year-old from the deep water.
Someone else could answer the phone, fetch the mail, close the windows if it starts to rain.
A few more years, and I could zip over to the supermarket for a gallon of milk and be home in five minutes, rather than losing forty minutes to car seat buckles and shopping cart struggles.
And when they hit the teen years -- ohh, by joe. Last weekend, my husband and I finished up dinner, cleaned the kitchen, took a look at the sky, and realized we could -- get this -- leave all the kids at home and go out for a quick swim in the town pond before the rain started. Alone. Together.
So long, suckers! I mean, thank you, children!
Do I worry that I'm turning my kids into little domestic slaves -- that I'm robbing them of their childhood and autonomy by making them pay for my and my husband's irresponsible reproductive choices? Sure. For about half a second. And then I test out this statement: "If there's one thing I'd like to contribute to society, it's a young adult who thinks his own freedom is more important than the needs of helpless people, and who has no skill at or desire to care for others." And I giggle in delight, because it's not often that something that's good for me is also good for my kids and for the world as a whole.
My husband and I check ourselves constantly, to make sure we're not asking too much of our kids -- not making them raise their siblings or do more work than any child should. And we're not. They're regular kids, who goof off and go out with friends as a matter of routine. But yes, they are expected to help with the little guys, because it's family -- and they're good at it.
When we broke the news that just Mama and Daddy were going to the beach, they were bummed. But then we explained that Mama and Daddy had not gone swimming alone together in fifteen years. The kids were horrified. "You should go!" they said. "We will take care of everything!" I'm not even kidding -- that's what my ten-year-old son said to us.
Oh, and one more thing: they love each other. In between the stabbing and the shrieking, the spend some part of each day enjoying being together. I have an eight-year-old boy who actually chokes up trying to describe how cute his little sister is; a teenage girl who knows that she alone can talk her little sister down from her pre-dinner hysteria; a three-year-old who hears the baby wake up and says, "Mama, can I go cheer her up?" Look at them, and then tell me, "It isn't fair to turn your children into babysitters!"
Kids who care for each other are more responsible in general -- and if you want to learn to love someone, then take care of him. It's the best way.
I think maybe we'll go to the beach again tonight! You know . . . for the good of the children.
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Yes! Thank you! Developing a servant’s heart and learning to love your brother and God before yourself… it starts at home, the most fundamental place.
Your eight-year-old chokes up… nearly made me choke up, too! That is beautiful. :) Congratulations. Your kids sound great, Simcha!
“...but my favorite thing about him was that he could pour his own juice”
You crack me up. Too funny and too true.
Your children are learning not only to care for others but they are learning a what a family is; a strong, solid family. The breakdown in the family in our society must have roots in the fact that so many adults did not have families with lots of siblings where they learned to work, care for each other and most of all that family life is messy, literally and figuratively.
THANK YOU for this! There is a certainn popular blogger who recently came down pretty hard on younger moms who whine and complain about their duties, and frankly I found it very obnoxious. I love the way you are real and compasionate, and do not glaze over the Babyland Years as if they’re practically no sweat or that you are the One Holy Person that managed to endure it with superpower strength and self control. We have 4 and one on the way. Our oldest is 17, so I am not a new mom. Some days are just hard, and the best thing we more seasoned moms can do for the newer moms is offer our encouragement instead of being a scolding Church Lady. Great article, Simcha!:)
Totally agree. I try to encourage young mom’s the same way: “It gets better! It won’t always be this hard!”. I wish someone had said that to me.
My problem is that now I get, “whatever will you do with your biggest helper off to college and a new baby??”
Not sure. I’ll figure it out as I go, like always!
Simcha that was the best! I can’t agree more. I always tell my oldest, look after your sister, stay close etc etc..and she is only 4years old. And YES it is for the good of the world! I saw a report on TV once about a very famous Australian football coach who had 3children- 2 older sons and a young girl who was Autistic. He was raising awareness for his charity that supports research and development into Autism. He said something that left me beside myself, and it went something like this- “We need more help for families like ours because like many in our situation we don’t want our sons to be burdened with the responsibility of our daughter when we can’t look after her”. I was like WHAT?! Burden? What is wrong with looking after someone else? Is it really a ball and chain?
Anyway, if we all felt responsibility for each other, there would be a whole lot less heartache in this world. (yes a little kumbaya of me but what-the-hey).
Keep it up Simcha.
I have a dear 50-something friend who is the oldest child of seven. She always said that her mom’s secret to household management was putting the older sibs to work taking care of the younger ones.
And yes, she is one of the kindest, thoughtful, organized and (dang it) professionally accomplished people I know. So it seems the system works.
Regarding words of wisdom for struggling younger moms…I recall well-meaning family and friends advising me to “enjoy the baby years because they go by so quickly.” Sure didn’t feel like it at the time. Of course, now that those babies are in high school and heading to college I sometimes wish I could have a few of those moments back, just for a little while.
I like Gretchen Rubin’s take on “the days are long but the years are short”:
http://happiness-project.com/agree-or-disagree-the-days-are-long-but-the-years-are-short/
“What’s the one thing frazzled young moms always hear? ‘These years go by so quickly—enjoy it while you can!’ Which is sort of like getting a severe sunburn and hearing, ‘Summer will be gone before you know it—enjoy it while you can!’ “
You’re awesome!! :)
It’s wonderful when you can say, “We grow our own” in response to someone asking about which babysitter you are using. Thanks for another great post, Simcha!
Loved this. So much truth here. We’re getting closer to leaving the house together, alone, without having to get a sitter. It has been life-changing to delegate lunch duties to the older kids. I feel like we’re all working together and it definitely makes me feel less frazzled.
This was just what I needed to hear. Thank you! I’m a young mom of only one, and while my husband and I are looking forward to getting pregnant again, I have NO idea how I’ll handle more than one little. It’s nice to have some perspective from a mom who’s been there and come out the other side.
Thank you. Whenever moms of one, or two, tell me I have it so hard, I giggle quietly inside, because they haven’t realized that with a 12 year old and a 7 year old, i have two extra pairs of eyes, and hands, to help the baby get out of mischief. Or to help the five year old with his lunch. It’s rather amazing, and we try not to abuse this privilege (no matter what my mother in law says, I refuse to have my 12 year old change his baby brother’s diapers). Did you know a 12 year old can easily do half your grocery shopping on his own, with a list in hand and a spare cell phone in his pocket (in case he forgets what aisle the ketchup is on, or needs to find you)? It’s very freeing.
I hated it when older moms would give me that line about “enjoy it - they grow up so quickly”. That is literally no help to someone who is gasping for air. It’s like “enjoy your drowning because some day you won’t be”. Now my kids are older (upper grade school to late middle school) and do I miss the baby years? NOT. Now I get sleep, can eat three meals a day, can go grocery shopping alone, and for the first time ever, can go out with my husband without getting a sitter. I am a happier person = my kids are happier people. They are happier even though they have to do more around the house. I am not yelling anymore, I am rational most of the time, and we can do more fun stuff. I NEVER give that “enjoy it now” line to another mom.
This made me LOL and then cry at the end. In a waiting room. Thanks—I very clearly needed this! Light at the end of my tunnel! I hope anyway :) But first I will likely be changing 3 in diapers toward the end of the year.
Elizabeth, read this http://simchafisher.wordpress.com/2012/01/19/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child/ , another great post!
So, so true—every word of it. Great post.
My little family’s not half the size of yours, Simcha, but with #4 on the way - and kids really spaced out (in terms of years, not their psyches ;-)), we’re starting to see the benefits. It warms my heart that my nine-year old, who’s been at scout camp all week, is missing his little sisters!
Love, love, LOVE this! I don’t have kids, but I grew up in a family of 8 children, so I know all about how older kids can help out and the maturity it brings! Of course, I was nearer the bottom of the ladder, so I didn’t have those kinds of responsibilities for younger kids, and you know what? I was more immature than a lot of my older siblings had been at that age.
I love this for so many reasons. I am getting ready to have our fifth baby in 8 years, and it’s feeling a little overwhelming. This Summer I discovered how helpful my 7-year old son could be with our 1-year old. FREEEEEDOM! What I didn’t expect was how close the two of them have become. I love the selflessness I see coming out in my 7-year old. Makes me a happy momma in so many ways!
“my favorite thing about him was that he could pour his own juice.”
So funny. The first time I have LOL’d and had to stop reading to finish LOLing!!
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My best friend from college was an only child (I was youngest of three - but became an aunt at 13) and she told me she was astounded when she saw families with even three kids… but more! My goodness, how do they do it?
When I told her that eventually, the older kids helped… she was beside herself over how ‘unfair’ that was!!
I tried to explain, that at a certain age, kids want to help, and want to be useful - but she couldn’t come around.
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I mean, it’s not like you’re making kids scrub the floors (not that there’s anything wrong with that) but the fact that they can fold towels is not lost on anyone!!
Our version of “it goes by so fast” that I still share with worn-out new moms of little ones is…
“The years go by so quickly, but a long rainy afternoon can go on for DECADES…!”
Clearly I don’t agree with the theology of the famous Duggar family, but it is crazy to suggest that helping younger siblings is “abuse” to the older kids. The only reason it didn’t happen in my family is that I was only blessed with two kids….14 months apart!!
Love your writing. We have four children who also enjoy each others company and regularly hug each other spontaneously….and they are older teens! And yes, I tell them regularly that the world does NOT revolve around them, even though they would like it to be otherwise sometimes.
Very important points here. You can save a lot of headaches when your kids are adults by teaching your kids survival and responsibility from a very young age. Things like making their own sandwiches plus one for the younger siblings, cleaning up, babysitting the younger ones and doing chores will go a long way. Even establishing a proper pecking order like giving each older child the responsibility of insuring that a younger sibling has cleaned their portion or whatever. This will make them responsible and accountable adults. Maybe even staying close throughout their own adult years. Otherwise they may grow to only think that the world totally revolves around themselves and lack motivation to do things like get a job, leave home and start their own life
I was 13 when my brother was born. I changed his dipes, played with him, bathed him, rocked him to sleep after mom fed him, got mistaken for his mommy at the grocery store (I looked older than 13) while mom dealt with the 8 year old and the 4 year old. I never minded it. What you say about some of your children having special bonds with the younger children reminded me of my relationship with my younger brother. I became a second mommy to him and I swear our relationship is closer because of all the time together we spent when we were younger. It solidified my desire to be a mommy some day. Memories and photos of me taking care of him for years sustained me through painful years when I wasn’t married and really wanted babies. Now he’s almost 20 and when he brings a g/f home to meet m and d, I’ll have a boatload of embarrassing stories to tell her. ;) Great post.
I have 4 kiddos (13, 12, 5 and 3) and lupus. The big girls help a LOT (but I am careful to not ‘exploit’ them) and I am slowly getting the little ones to do something…sweeping, wiping base boards, putting away toys, etc
The big girls got to spend 3 weeks with grandparents and cousins this summer- they had a great time, I did not. Not having the big girls help (like you said- watch a kid while I shower, feed the cat, do the dishes)actually made me sick and I had a bad lupus flare. My doc ‘prescribed ’ a 30-45 minute nap which is impossible with the littles alone- so I appreciate that my big girls can distract the little ones.
This summer, when I have not had to get my older daughter ready for school, I have been setting out containers of dry cereal (they like it that way) and pouring cups of juice with lids and putting them in the fridge in the evening. I set the TV to PBS before I go to bed and, lo and behold, I can sleep until 7:30 or 8:00 while the kids (3 and 5) feed and amuse themselves for a little while in the morning. It’s amazing, compared to where I was just a year ago!
I have caught them pouring their own juice when the bottle gets light enough for them to lift, but that’s still a no-no!
Thank you! I currently have four under five (4yrs, 2yrs, and 6 month-old twins) and I spend a lot of time feeling like I’m drowning under the needlets, but there are moments, like when I ask the four-year-old to tell his sister a story and cheer her up, and he gets down on the floor to talk to the baby and get her a toy, that I think, ‘I’m so glad he’s learning to do this’, and can see the light ahead when they’ll all be able to help out.
And where is the statement about how much a Catholic wife should be looking forward to the day it’s just her and the man she promised to love more than any other human being?
We Catholic gals are notorious for emotionally and physically abandoning our husbands to become “mommy”. Mommyhood is a temporary state of ushering our kids to adulthood. And it shouldn’t let us off the hook from being best friend and lover to our hubbies. He’s not just a wallet and a courier…he’s the other half of our whole self.
When will we start living like that?
And why would a guy want to marry, seeing how many women relegate their husbands to being ATMs?
I think that kids who grow up in big families and have to help out with the little ones are so lucky. I’m an only child and never had to do anything around the house, and while I had a good childhood, there was a sense of not being *needed*. I knew that my parents loved me and all that, but especially as I got into my teen years, I had an underlying angst about the fact that nobody really depended on me for anything.
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My husband is also an only child, but he was raised by a struggling single mother who needed him to do a lot of hard work to help her out. He did laundry, mowed the lawn, washed dishes, and helped her clean office buildings until midnight sometimes. It’s interesting that he looks back on all that as a positive aspect of his childhood. It gave him a strong sense of confidence and helped him channel his energy in a more positive direction than some of his peers since he knew that his contributions to his family were extremely valuable and very much needed.
neeeeeded this today….day 3 of 3 kids all by myself :) ages 5, 2,5, and 3 weeks (already!)
anne, we should hang out. I’m on the second week of 3 kids by myself- almost 3, almost 2, and three weeks. ;)
I love this, Simcha. Coming from a small family (no younger siblings) and now mother of what I hope becomes a big family (only two littles so far but hoping for many more) this was so helpful. You articulated what I’ve always instinctually thought about the benefits of siblings learning to care for their younger brother and sisters. Looking back, I so wish that I had younger siblings to help me become less selfish. Selflessnes is harder to learn later in life :)
I so needed to hear this. It’s true. Even after having to tell the 13 year old, “Take down the chipmunk from the refrigerator and put its clothes back on and give it back to your sister.”
May have to go see a movie…so my children can grow in love by serving each other.
I am so very, very touched by what you’ve written. God bless you!!!!!
Love this. So there is hope after all. I feel like I am drowning. 3 kids 5 and under and one on the way. Can’t wait till we have big kids to help out.
Brilliant! Thank you for articulating this perspective—it is so very needed, especially for those of us in the “pre-school” years. —>By that, I mean those of us with a few small kids at home but not old enough to be super helpful yet, as likely changes once they start to enter school.
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And I would definitely have to agree that it is decidedly NOT helpful to hear about how much one should “enjoy” gasping for air because it’s over so quickly. These early years, before the oldest ones are in school, are really hard work! I can only take so much joy…! :-)
I was in no hurry for the baby years to end, and while I love my four year old more every day, I still long for the baby years.
Huh, I never realized why I felt so irritated with people who said that thing about the days going by so fast. I have my own, lower-register inner process of longing and meditation on the passage of time with children, but saying it in such a passing way always seems so ridiculous to me.
Thanks for putting that into words.
I needed this today. I am on day 3 of adjusting to a surprise pregnancy, and will have a 4.5-year-old, 1.3-year-old and a newborn in March. We want to have a large family, but given my age, we’re going to have to have the kids fairly close together to make sure it happens. I was feeling overwhelmed by it, especially since I still have to work nights, but this reminded me of how much my four-year-old has grown in just the last few months. He dresses and undresses himself every day, can clean up most of his own messes, can play in the (fenced-in) backyard by himself, can be trusted to not smear Desitin all over every surface while I’m nursing, etc.
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I am one of six girls, number 2. I had a very close bond with my second-youngest sister, largely because I was her primary caregiver. My mom was so overwhelmed that she let me do practically all of the bathing, diapering, dressing, playing, and night time care…I was 9. I did the same thing when the last baby came along when I was 12. Growing up, I wish my mom had spent more time playing piano, going out with my dad, and reading for pleasure. She was a martyr about a lot of things, and it would have been beneficial if she had organized all of the older girls to help (rather than just me—because I was pathetically compliant) so that she could have had more fun. I think it’s awesome that Simcha’s 10-year-old son *wanted* his parents to go on a date. I hope my kids feel that way for me when we get into those years of having older kids.
Thanks, Simcha. I can verify all you’ve said here. Our two oldest are off to college and the third oldest is at football camp this week. The other five hardly know what to do with themselves. It is just so strange to be switching around rooms. I so remember those times that I never thought I’d get to these times. And, here we are…
The point about siblings helping in the raising process reminds me of the movie Babies. Have you seen it? You should. The baby raised in Africa seemed to be surrounded by siblings/cousins; the Mongolian baby (my favorite) was ‘lovingly’ raised by/with an older brother (hilarious!). The other two babies, Japanese and American seemed to be oldest/only. Check it out. We howled with laughter and were awed into silence over the beauty.
Amen. Very beautiful.
Just before our oldest (of 6)turned 14, I read a suggestion to have your child spend that summer planning menus, shopping, cooking, and cleaning up
afterwards, and I started with her, and all of them had that summer training. Some were into healthy food, some into comfort food, some into a few basics all summer (they had to clear it with the parental units before they did anything too weird). They also learned how difficult it is to work hard fixing dinner and have one or more siblings say “Eww! This is gross!” All five daughters and one son can do a lot more than boil water, some requested to cook other summers (when we paid them per meal), and now that my husband is ill with Stage 4 cancer, when they come home for visits they cook meals that are truly comforting for body and soul. Our youngest son who is still living at home, voluntarily fixes lunches and breakfast for my husband and looks for things at the grocery store that will tempt his appetite and keep him from losing any more weight. When people used to give my husband a hard time for overpopulating the world, he just answered “Nursing home insurance,” and we are profoundly grateful for each one of their loving, responsible hearts—and our 15 grandchildren who are not only further contributing to overpopulation but show every sign of having loving, responsible hearts, too. (And yes, I still change diapers to help out my daughters who are still living in Babyland!)
Great post, Simcha.
@MightyMighty - thank you for writing what you did, especially this part:
“...Growing up, I wish my mom had spent more time playing piano, going out with my dad, and reading for pleasure. She was a martyr about a lot of things, and it would have been beneficial if she had organized all of the older girls to help (rather than just me—because I was pathetically compliant) so that she could have had more fun.”
That’s something I think I need to guard against, and you quite nicely and concisely stated it.
Oh, and Congratulations on Baby!
Vicki ,
Thanks so much for your post.I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s illness & will say a prayer for him.
We were blessed to have many children at home to help when my husband was ill.I came home one day & found him & my oldest son-sitting on the hospital bed, among all the sickroom paraphenalia- happily listening to reggae together.Children assist in non-practical ways, too.
High five to my sister in the babyland trenches! You have more than earned your sweet escape. (I couldn’t even type that sentence of congratulations without a cherub faced little twerp bugging me to cut an itchy tag off of her shirt. #6 is nagging me for a dollar, and my three-year-old is crying to wear her Sunday shoes. She dressed herself and looks like a bag lady. Now she is begging for socks in August… #5 just declared that he’s walking to the mall to buy a tent for the beach camp out….wha???)...Guess what? We’re going to HEAVEN! These sweet little creatures are burning the—um, “bad stuff” out of us! So here’s to YOU (picture me raising my cup,no my Mojito ,okay,I’d prefer a blood orange margarita with a twist of lime, no sweet and sour please.) Here’s to a new era of “couplehood”! I also recommend Tuesday (cheap) movie date night, Friday happy hour somewhere beautiful and romantic, and mass with your husband some weekdays WITHOUT kids :)! Saturday mornings and then breakfast out, is AWESOME.
....I still have a baby sized hole in my heart, but I suspect with the speed of all this life flashing by, (the old ladies at the grocery store were right) a fat little grandbaby will fill the space someday, just fine.
Oh, funny story: One day when my daughter was babysitting for a cute family from church, the Mom said “Quick! Run to the back room!” My daughter obeyed without question. The Mom came back and explained, “That was my neighbor at the door, I didn’t want to run the risk of her seeing you, and stealing you away from me…” Lol, she stole her away from ME a few times…
one reminder while we rock-star moms and dads are filling the world with responsible, loving kids: make sure that the little ones are helping too! I’ve heard of oldest siblings doing all the work, their lists just growing as they get older while the little ones are living la dolce vita. We are working on this in my family (kids are 13, 12, 5 and 3)
With three kids in diapers, this one sure hit home. I am often in tears by the end of the day wondering if I’m already asking too much of my oldest who, at the tender age of three, already has two little brothers. So beautiful!
After a very hard day of first trimester exhaustion and a toddler getting shots-I actually logged on to look up your article “to the mother of one child” for encouragement. So blessed to have found this!
Thank you! I have ONE two year old at home and by the time my husband comes home I am laying on the couch in tears (well the pregnancy hormones may have something to do with that). Then I cry at night because I feel like the worst mom ever because I can’t even handle one crazy toddler. It’s good to know that it’s OK to feel overwhelmed and that it will get easier. And that someday he will make his own breakfast and go to the bathroom in a toilet. God willing!
I’m currently working as a nanny to probably the most adorable 1 year old ever. 99% of what I do for (only) 9 hours a day is based on being “Mommy Number 2” to my baby (by 10 years) brother. (Our middle sister got to be the “Fun Sister”, but I’m ok with that. Fewer bruises…)
I LOVE this post. Our 4th baby was born this year- 5 years after our 3rd. The first 3 are all close together so now it is a whole new world havin BIG kids that are very capable to help with the baby.
love it. my eldest is just seven. and i love that he can bike himself to school, do his younger brothers seat belt and unload the dishwasher….so so so awesome…
Now I have to go help someone make a pom pom. why did i think that would be fun to teach them. now I spend most of my day pouring juice AND making pom poms.
My six children are grown and I agree with all that you said…and they still look after one another and us. :)
How come nobody’s wondering what exactly the 10 year old’s doing when mom and dad go out? Just kidding, kind of. Seriously, though, I do love going out on dates with my husband. We aim for once a week but we probably average 3 times a month since our oldest turned 12 - sometimes the dates are just shopping for groceries at Costco but they’re all good. And being able to run out solo without little kids in tow is so liberating. Or being able to bring just one child along for some one on one time really is priceless.
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Interesting (to me) thought. You know how they say a man marries his mother? My husband didn’t. My mother in law was a lovely, Godly woman and mother of 12, but I really wasn’t very much like her and I always thought the truism didn’t apply to me. One day, after I’d been married for more than a dozen years, it hit me. My husband married his oldest sister, who is 16 years older than he. She left home at 28 to marry and went on to have 10 children of her own. It’s funny I didn’t see it sooner.
I just had a baby (we didn’t plan on it!) and if we have another, I want to wait til he’s about 4 or 5 so he can help out. It is so hard for me, parenting when I didn’t expect it, so this was nice to read that this too shall pass and it gets easier and better! I really struggle with what the heck to do with a baby, how to entertain him, how to get my own time or time with my husband… (I also was an only child, so I don’t know what the heck I’ll do if we do have more than one! I’m not Catholic but I enjoy reading your articles because, well, I agree with pretty much everything you have to say!)
I’m sooo lucky we have both sets of grandparents with open arms, I’m tellin’ ya…
Who needs coffee when you read Simcha right after the Magnificat??
Hi Simcha,
As a mother of 11 (ages 3 to 27), I could relate so well to your blog! Amongst the many odd and often humorous comments we get about our large family, there are also a great number of complimentary ones. Most of these revolve around the personal formation of our children. How responsible they are, how loving they are to each other, how respectful, how diligent, how mature. Since my husband and I are often rather lacking in these wonderful qualities ourselves :) I am quite confident that they are virtues the kids learned through their service to others throughout their childhoods.
Not only have we benefited from their help over the years, but it has become important life skills for each of them and made them more successful adults. They are valued in their jobs as hard-working, reliable and responsible employees and are promoted over their peers who lack these qualities. They are diligent students, caring friends…and next spring when my first grandchild arrives, I’m confident that I’ll be able to add terrific parents to that list!
There have been well-meaning people over the years who’ve managed to make me feel quite guilty about the assistance I’ve received from my older kids. In hindsight however, I can clearly see that not only did it save our sanity and bond the children to each other, it also provided the kids with life skills and personal qualities that will give them an edge in their future endeavors.
So hang in there, young Moms and Dads! It truly does get easier over time and the ‘slaves’ you employ now will become our most competent leaders in the future! :)
Re: E. I hear you, I was really worried when our second was born only one year after the first, but even a one year old is a great help with a baby, entertaining and fetching diapers and wipes, putting things in the trash, etc, I thought two was way easier than one almost right away, but the real payoff comes when you have a two year old and a one year old who play together ALL the time and do not need you to entertain them. And two year olds can empty the silverware (minus the sharps) and pick up toys and wash their own face and hands…For me, having only one was the very hardest time. What I most feared turned out to be a great blessing, but, no matter what happens, it does help to know that it WILL get easier!
After some searching I found out that the phrase “oh by Joe” comes from a square dance call by Ernest Legg of West Virginia. The entire call was recorded by the Kessinger Brothers in 1928.
Also interesting is that the quadrille originated with the French.
Square dances do not always have to be accompanied by fiddles. In fact some callers have said that fiddles interfere with their calls.
oh the juice! This is why I am nearly crazed if my husband fails to ‘do drinks’ at dinner :) Sorry honey- but your drink pouring at dinner seems to make all things right :)
Eleven kids in my family growing up. At my youngest sister’s rehearsal dinner, another sister who is 7 years older read a poem she’d written about their relationship. Part of it was: “I not only had a sister, but a dolly too.” It was so true. We all took care of each other. And we still do. The eleven of us have been through everything together…the good, the bad and the ugly. We have our own language and this gigantic shared history. I can never thank my sainted parents enough for two things: my Catholic faith and the lifelong friends and caretakers I have in my siblings.
Beautiful!
I have only 2 kids, 2yo and 6mo and it’s actually EASIER than the baby alone! the toddler isn’t that big, of course, but he can help! It’s incredible what a 2 yo can do! He loves putting things in the trash, gardening and mopping! it isn’t perfect but it keeps him busy! :)
Anyway the purpose of my comment was just to signal a cultural difference here. Whenever I read a good post about parenting written by an American, there is a sort-of apology/disclaimer about not asking too much of the kids. And for some reason I just don’t get used to that. It’s a little bit surprising to me, like a prevention of mean comments or something? I’m probably too naive but I don’t really see how someone would say “you are robbing your children of their childhood by making them have siblings”??? I don’t really see what could be said..
Thanks for the encouragement. Somedays I’m just drowning in cuteness. And I feel guilty for feeling depressed! LOL Even though my 2 yo is growing fast, he is still a big baby himself and I do dream about that uninterrupted cup of coffee! :)
My daughter…who is currently in Babyland…sent me this blog post and I really enjoyed it. Something very similar has happened here over the years, and our children, from the 28 year old down to the 4 year old, have giving, loving hearts. That’s probably one of the reasons why JPII said the best thing you can give your children is another sibling. He also talked about responsible parenthood, so this is not me saying, “Let go and let God!” because I’m not okay with abdicating responsibility. I do see the good of large families and have lived it through the 9 children we’ve been blessed with. You expressed it beautifully. Have fun swimming while the weather holds! :)
Or, ‘Days may drag, but the years fly by’.
The days and years are flying by for me. I wish there was some way to slow them down. My heart breaks every time I give away a new set of clothing, toys, baby/toddler equipment, etc.
I have a small family (only one child), but for the people who are facing criticism about the help they get from their older kids: I just read an excellent article (sorry I don’t have the link) about how feeling needed/valued in the family is a huge self-esteem builder and socializer. I would never advocate over-working children, but there is nothing wrong with kids having an integral role in the running of a household.
Thank you so much! I have a 4 year old and 2 year old twins. I’m home full time, often wondering if I should be working more often away from home to give myself “a break.” I was so refreshed by your article! I’m a proud stressed out mommy who will continue to stay home!!!
Working outside the home is not a break. Maybe your husband could watch the kids and give you a real break (meaning time for yourself to do something fun). I have found that, in addition to the benefit of giving me a break, this also helps my husband to relate to what it’s like to work at home.
Yeah… I wish I could. My hubby works 80+ hours a week so that I can stay home. I ALWAYS ask for help from others… it’s been working so far! But just feeling guilty for asking others (non family members) for help is hard for me… my pride gets in the way too often! My mom died, my dad’s disabled, and my inlaws and family all live far away. Not to mention we can’t afford a sitter!?!? HA! But my life’s still awesome because of Jesus Christ!
Oh wow, you and your husband both have your hands full. I know what you mean about asking for help. I’m blessed that my mother lives locally, but she isn’t the type of grandmother that wants to help all the time. My son loves her, but she really only watches him once every couple of months. And sometimes when I finally do swallow my pride to ask, she gives me a look or a tone of voice that makes me feel guilty. We don’t have a babysitting fund either, and I don’t really like the idea of using a non-family member babysitter (although my son does attend preschool part-time). But, I only have one child, and my husband’s schedule is pretty reasonable, and I only work 15 hours/week outside the home, so it’s pretty easy for us.
Many thanks for this post, and for the insights into motherhood that it gives me from various perspectives—as a dad; as one who met my bride when our only child, a department manager several states away, was seven; as one of eight siblings, and the husband of one of two; as a son of a mom who at 93 is still a phenomenal woman; and as a grunt in the pro-life army. One of the blessings that I occasionally count is that, should the need arise, I could fold and apply a cloth diaper in such a way as to maximize the safety and comfort of the wearer, having been taught to do so at the age of eight (though acquiring the diaper and the pins might be a challenge). Thanks to you all—Simcha, dear Kathy, and Mom!
I laughed through my tears!!! It is a joyous thing to have multiple age groups in a house! ours range from 20 to 7 and if you think teenagers are awesome, wait until you get some young adults! We kick butt with chores and extra drivers with 4 adults now! Who knew!!! The flip side of that is it was quite a shock last year when I sent the “baby” off to full day kindergarten. I looked around and it was the first time I didn’t have a baby or a toddler in my house in twenty years. I was happy and sad. Now I’m just waiting for grand babies!!
Thanks for sharing this wonderful perspective in such a delightful manner. I wish I had said it!!! Blessings!
We have 21 through 3 year range and it is awesome. Older children really do make a difference. One of my husband’s and my most joyful moments in the past few years? When we broke the news that (after a 4 year “break”) we were going to have a new baby. All of the kids—“cool” teens included—capering about the room for joy. THAT is what all of us are contributing to the world, too- simple joy for life.
The only time you can say to young moms in babyland “this, too, shall pass” is when you are taking all of her kids except the new baby for an afternoon at your house so she can have some peace! As the tons of comments after anything to do with NFP—it IS all a cross—we just need to help each other lighten the load.
Peace, and thanks so much for your columns. Absolutely make my day sometimes!
Oh Simcha Fisher, I love your take on life! Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wisdom with the rest of us!
We have a 4 yo and a 1 yo - its been our joking mutual understanding when things just got a little too kooky, messy, or shrieky for comfort, to look at each other and just say “Babyworld.” I can’t TELL you how much it helps put it in perspective! So funny that you use almost the same term.
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