If I remember correctly from “Open Embrace”, the Torode’s married extremely young…I believe they were both 19 (or at least she was)....

Seems more age/maturity would have solved many of these problems. Substitute “medical problem” for NFP as the reason for less sex in the marriage, and it is clear that the reason for periodic abstinence is not the problem….it is the attitude of the spouses towards it…

Thanks for another great post on this topic!  I saw that article, too, and couldn’t help but wonder… Were there perhaps other issues besides the NFP part that led to this couple’s divorce?  My guess is: probably.  To add something to that first point (“NFP makes men feel guilty for desiring their wives during times of abstinence”): I suspect there’s more to it than simply that a husband desires his wife.  That desire (and the recipricol of the wife desiring intimacy during peak fertility) are both “goods” of marriage, so long as they are properly ordered.  In fact, if the husband *didn’t* desire his wife (and vice versa), that would probably be a bigger problem.  To further unpack that initial statement, I would postulate that a more accurate assessment is that NFP could highlight a man’s *disordered* desire for his wife (during times of abstinence or otherwise) if he sees her merely as an “means to an end”—i.e., a vehicle for his own pleasure.  I have known many women (both who practice NFP and who use ABC) who feel loneliness or hurt within their marriage when the goal of intimacy seems to be *only* geared toward the fulfillment of desire and achieving pleasure, rather than for it’s intended purpose (“babies and bonding”).  Women (and men, too) do not wish to be viewed as objects in any capacity, but the stakes are especially high in the marital bed.  And, indeed, the vocation to marriage is an avenue that is intended to help us grow in virtue.  Specifically, NFP helps foster the virtues of temperance, prudence, fortitude, and charity by its very nature.
***
I would agree, too, that it is important to be honest that practicing NFP is hard.  But it isn’t hard for every person every day.  Marriage is also hard; so is raising children.  So is anything worth doing at all.  Growing in virtue—regardless of how one gets there—is, simply, hard.  But it is what we’re all called to—sanctity.  And for most of us, it takes a long time to get there…

Isn’t the real problem here that we’re not as open to life as we should be?  Any kind of “birth control” which allows for the spouses to try to control God isn’t going to make the marriage stronger, but weaker.

It is easy for the couple to now blame NFP for the dissolution of their marriage but for us, we nearly abandoned our marriage as a result of contraception.  We were deep in marriage problems with three babies as a result of three different contraception failures (Pill, diaphragm and condoms).  An excellent priest turned us to both marriage counseling and NFP and here we are 28 years later!

In fact, my dh and I are ‘well-known’ in some small (very small) circles for our decision to dump contraception (three methods, three ‘surprise’ babies) and turn to NFP.  Yes, 8 more babies followed that decision but unlike the previous methods where our doctors insured us we wouldn’t get pregnant - we knew that God was firmly in control this time and the babies would come as He desired.  We are grateful each day for each blessing even when they came ‘fast and furious’ for a few years.

A marriage ending should always be a cause for sadness (especially when children are involved). I grieve for this couple whose marriage had such hope and it is now lost.  However, blaming NFP is an easy out rather than honestly examining your own fault and responsibility.

I read that article a few days ago, and it upset me too badly to even blog it.  Specifically, this quote:

“So my first two kids are 15 months apart, then there is a three-year break, then the younger two are a year and a half apart. That was intense. Beyond hormonally intense, it was relationally intense. It was nothing I would ever want anyone else to have to experience.”

Well, I would love to experience it.  It would certainly beat having 3 miscarriages by the time you’re thirty.

Anyway, I think the real problem here is that both of them sound rather obsessed about sex.  Like they thought about it too much, or heavily romanticized it before they were married.  So sex is on this pedestal to them as the only expression of marital love*.  And then couldn’t handle that sex has other consequences.

Other acceptable forms of marital love are foot rubs, getting your spouse a glass of water at night, and putting the toilet seat down.

“NFP makes men feel guilty for desiring their wives during times of abstinence.”

I don’t understand this. Why should a man feel guilty for desiring his wife, at any time? Isn’t that a GOOD thing? Practicing period abstinence doesn’t mean that you can shut off your emotions and desires like a switch; it means you make a prayerful, mutual choice to not act upon those desires for a temporary length of time.

I am glad to see more being written on the difficulties of NFP.  When my husband and I had our conversion/reversion experience and became Catholic 7 years into our marriage, we bought into all the glowing reports of “NFP is so great!  You will be so much happier and fulfilled in your marriage!!” I was pregnant with our second when my husband was baptized, and even though I followed all the “rules” of “ecological breastfeeding”, I got pregnant again when my second son was just 5.5 months old.  I cried for 9 months (though of course, now, I am so very thankful to God for giving me my third son.  His plans are so much better than ours!) Thus began years of conflict in our marriage over sex, NFP, and child spacing.  But ya know what?  We learned, over many painful years, that it wasn’t the fault of NFP.  We learned to cling to our faith, dig down deep, and really *look* at the real issues.  I think that artificial contraception can mask and hide your true, inner self.  You aren’t sharing your full self with your spouse when you use ABC.  With NFP, you can’t hide, not for long.  Not from yourself or your spouse.  And sometimes (always!) we have sin and ugliness inside.  But the beauty of marriage is, it is a conduit of God’s grace!  We are meant to be together, not to make each other happy (a nice side benefit at times), but to help each other get to heaven.  It’s hard work!  But, from our experience, if you are really struggling and you blame NFP, there are actually other issues that need to be worked through.  And it’s so worth it when you do!

above, that should say, “practicing periodic abstinence…”

We conceived twice using NFP to avoid children…and then discovered we’d been doing it wrong. It’s not NFP’s fault! Anyway, the two pregnancies were not planned and were at very bad times. The first one started before my wife’s insurance kicked in. She had a rare syndrome in both pregnancies which sent us to the ER 6 times in the first pregnancy. A few of those were all out-of-pocket expense. Then our second child was born 12.5 months later! Looking back, though, it hasn’t been that bad. My son almost died at birth, and maybe the fact that he’s alive and happy gives us the strength to get through the stress of two (now) toddlers. They are a pain in the neck on a daily basis, but they’re also two beautiful, wonderful, and hilarious kids I couldn’t imagine life without.

Our marriage is way stronger with kids, and NFP, than it could’ve been without.

Thanks for the great post Jennifer.  I have a few thoughts on all of this.
—
Ms. Patchin describes her practice of NFP as a form of rebellion against the “moderate” position of her parents.  That could be one source of her failure.  While NFP is good in and of itself, I think if taken up for the wrong reasons—like many otherwise good practices—it can lead to error. 
—
I also found it interesting that Ms. Patchin is being described as being on birth control.  Now the article doesn’t say whether she has remarried or not, but even if she has, considering her divorce was not that long ago, and her embrace of “liberal Christianity”, it appears that what we are looking at here has less to do with NFP and birth control and more to do with someone rejecting traditional values all together.
—
I also reject the notion that men are made to feel guilty for desiring their wives during times of abstinence.  Desire for ones wife is healthy, but like many healthy desires, if over indulged, it can have bad consequences.  Indeed, NFP, can be useful in helping to make sure that this healthy desire is not over indulged in the same way that a diet or fasting can help make sure that our desire for food is not over indulged.

MarylandBill - I don’t mean this to be a snarky question - but what do you mean “make sure that this healthy desire is not over indulged.” I find many times that people promote NFP because they’re afraid of “too much” sex in a marriage.  I believe that these attitudes are the same ones that lend themselves to the idea that there can be “too many” children.  I suspect this is a holdover from our puritanical roots.

“NFP makes men feel guilty for desiring their wives during times of abstinence.”
-
What the…?!?  How can the husband feel guilty for desiring his wife during her fertile times, unless the desire is not really for her but more for his own pleasure?  I happen to “desire” my wife ALL THE TIME!  I also happen to love her more or less all the time (speaking of the act of the will that desires good for others, not of my attraction toward her; not really *all* the time because I’m a sinner, after all, and do not love her as completely as I ought), so sometimes when the opportunity comes to be physically intimate we take a quick glance at the NFP log and say “Oh, well.  Not tonight.”  Then we hold each other and talk, laugh and cry together.
-
Of course, with four kids in the house, the opportunity doesn’t come nearly as often as I would like, but them’s the breaks.  May the Lord make them redound to our benefit!

These sex discussions are always about Western developed country couples who have at least a few spare bucks….if you have the internet, you have a few extra bucks.
    For example, right now there are ten million people at risk from drought in the horn of Africa and there are mothers carrying dead babies as they flee into a reluctant Kenya.  They cannot be open to life.  There are Chinese couples who already have one child under the one child policy and if they have another, it will be ripped from them and they will be fined three times their yearly income or arrested.  They cannot afford to be open to life.  We have yet to have a Pope who writes about these darker realities throughout the world and how to reconcile them with I Corinthians 7:5’s claim ( and the Holy Spirit’s therefore) that some couples are hurt by too much abstaining: ” Do not deprive each other, except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, to be free for prayer, but then return to one another, so that Satan may not tempt you through your lack of self-control.”. Suggesting the Josephite marriage for millions of couples in the third world while ignoring I Cor.7:5 which applies to many of them….is quiet frankly a cafeteria approach to scripture.  There is a second group in I Cor. who can take or leave marriage ( like St. Joseph) and to those the Josephite marriage or long abstaining is appropo.
The traditional simplistic approach within Catholicism is to pretend I Corinthians is only about the second group of verse 27-28 who like St. Joseph don’t need sex as much as the group of verse 5.

I guess I am a little shocked that there is no mention here in a Catholic source of virtues!!!  Perhaps if this couple implemented Catholic catechesis into their scenario (something they probably never got in the first place), perhaps they could have survived their confusion instead of bowing out and being defeated.  NFP is more than simply Natural Family Planning.  It takes guts.  It takes courage.  It takes communication.  It takes the virtue of temperance.  Ahhhh, yes, controlling the appetites to be virtuous and Godly and in control and overcome the devil.  What is so bad about that?  If we do things solely for temporal values we gain no merit, but if we do it for Godly reasons, we gain graces and merit.  Twa-la.  Ya’ll embarrass me.  Next!

NewMomofTwo,
What I mean by over indulging is really quite simple.  It is letting sex and the desire for sex take over the marriage to the point where the couple does not concentrate on other areas in the marriage like communication, building common interests, spiritual growth, etc.  So yes, there can be “too much sex” in the marriage. 
—
I don’t know how much sex is too much, I suspect it varies from couple to couple.  What I do know is that NFP gives my wife and me time every month where we can concentrate on other parts of our relationship.

Bethany said in the comments section of her blog that the reason she got a divorce was that three separate marriage counselors said to her “that is sexual abuse.” I have no idea if that is true or not, but there was clearly more going on here than NFP woes.

What was sexual abuse?  NFP or something else?

She didn’t say. She said said she wanted to clear up the accusation that they had gotten a divorce because of frivolous reasons or that they hadn’t tried hard enough. I read through quite a lot of her blog when I heard they had gotten divorced.

>What mother has ever looked around her Thanksgiving dinner table, >recalled the tough pregnancy she had with her 30-year-old son, and said >to herself, “I wish that one had never been born”?

Well, I once heard an elderly relative tell her grown son that she wished she hadn’t had him, but I’d guess that was more about his post-birth behavior than her pregnancy stress.

@bill bannon,
so what’s your point with your post?  That those of us in the affluent West should strive to pump people in the Third World and China with chemical birth control?

hormonal contraception is the most evil thing any man can desire for his wife. It is the most disgusting thing a woman can submit herself to….it screws up “everything” good, normal and natural in her body. Its so nasty and just the most tragic thing anyone could force upon any group of people or culture as a “method” to avoid having children, especially third world countries. How purely disgusting of a mentality that is! I cry at people who give in to such demonic thinking.  For goodness sake, children are a blessing all the time esp in this day in age…...Life is a struggle so we ought to:

1) build up our perspective, Especially “maturity” and “self control” by “respecting” our bodies how they were designed, no matter what country we live in, or what condition our health and finances are in. 

2) orienting ourselves to engaging in intimate acts with our spouse with the understanding that one must be open to life, and be willing to swallow the blessing that comes with it with joy, love and optimism.

3) Learn how to live our true responsibility with maturity, not immaturity and childishness rooted in the mentality we are all so familiar with: the “Must avoid all suffering large and small (most especially temporal) for the sake of my ultimate physical/emotional/mental preservation of absolute peaceful state of mind and then of course, constructing life as if any inconvenience, struggle or hardship is like the most horrific thing that could happen to someone, and that all scientific means needs to be explored and created in order to “abolish” any and all kind of difficulty and surprise unplanned hardship that inhibits our ultimate desired happiness.  To lead a life like that is to curse life.

Dont forget that when you are pregnant, you may not be in the most “perfectly comfortable” place, but you do have 9 months of time to prepare for this blessing….and of course “attitude” is everything as we see in life more than anything today! We see it on reality TV more than anything as models. Attitude defines us. Attitude can make us SO ridiculously content and happy no matter what situation we are in-even as we suffer.  When we accept difficulties with a loving heart, it truly rains gold and silver.

There are benefits besides that little cute babe due to arrive…..just think about it. There are benefits when you are not prego, but honestly, being prego you have so many awesome benefits esp when one does not orient oneself towards the attitude that pregnancy and children are a curse.

No, Cari, the point Bill is attempting to make is to be the authority and tell everyone in the West that if they have internet should not not be concerned with using NFP at all because we are wealthy enough to have children.  What Bill does not understand is that this is for the couple to prayerfully discern with Jesus being at the center of their marriage.  Sorry, Bill, you are not welcomed in the decision making process between Jesus, my husband and myself.

I guess if a couple has to decide that there is too much sex in a marriage, then they are already having problems.

NewMomofTwo, I suspect too many people never discover if there was too much sex in a marriage.  They spend the first years of their marriage relating almost purely on a sexual level, and then, when the passion of the early years die down, they find out that there is nothing there to hold them together. 
—
Since many in our culture view marriage mostly as a means of personal fulfillment, it never occurs to them that never learning to relate to their spouse on a non-sexual level is the reason why their marriage is now failing (or has failed).

Hoping and Cari
    You both have accused me of opposite things….neither of which is my position which position will remain unaddressed.  My point is in the center of the post.  Popes should be working on this sexual area (not on NT bestsellers) especially for the poor of the world. Either they should write an ex cathedra encyclical condemning birth control because the issue is in dispute as to infallibility in the ordinary magisterium (see canon 749-3)....or they should explore whether the tradition has flaws as Karl Rahner and Bernard Haring suggested (two great past Theologians known to Benedict….and men who were not extremists like Hans Kung and Charles Curran).  In short when Benedict saw the reaction in the Catholic press to his condom comments, that was the time for him to not hide in NT questions but face the fact that this area is not solving itself and it needs papal attention in the form of a clearly infallible encyclical or a calling for Bishops to explicate their differences with the tradition.  A polling of worldwide bishops pre 1993 allowed for infallibilty by unanimity on abortion and euthanasia in Evangelium Vitae.  They had to also have been polled on birth control but apparently were not unanimous.  Let those saying nay come forward and interface with the Pope and Professors.  But do something.  Writing bestsellers is fun….but it can be a hiding place from work that is touchier….as the condom comment taught Benedict when he saw the reactions.

I used NFP off and on (about 10 years) before I converted because of its compatibility with breastfeeding. I have used it exclusively since my conversion, about 6 years. Honestly, while I understand the theological point and for me, it has been VERY effective- no surprises in 15 years, I agree it is hard on the marriage. The problem for us has been that when I am unavailable for sex, which between my period and my fertile days is about 17 days out of a 28 day cycle, I am totally unavailable for relationship and affectionate interaction with my husband. He calls it the time of no touching. I identify myself so much as a creature whose purpose in the relationship is for sex that if I am unable to use that function, I am not part of the relationship. Maybe this is how it went with the couple who wrote the book. Hence, the husband feeling guilty for desiring the wife who has cut him off emotionally. SO between NFP, my husband’s shift work, and kids at home we are lucky to get a chance for sex more than 3 times a month. He feels unloved, I feel disconnected from him. So why not just quit NFP and have what kids may come? How about living paycheck to paycheck(salaried working 10hrs/day/7 days) and running out of food each month(modest house, 10+yr old cars),make too much for welfare, I am 45 with 10+ years of fertility according to my dr, already have 5 kids, a $4,000 medical deductible and eldery parents needing my care. We are just trying to hang in there as platonic partners. Yes, if I saw myself differently maybe it wouldn’t be such a stressor but honestly, sex is inherent to a marriage relationship and when you remove it, friendship gets stretched pretty thin. At least with ABC there could be sex as a comfort, and 4 day periods instead of 11 days(fibroids that need to be treated with ablation or bcp). The fear of Hell is the only thing keeping me from going on the pill, yet still my vote goes to the makes marriage harder side!

Bethany mentioned recently on her blog that one primary cause of the divorce was marital rape. Obviously there were issues in their sexual relationship completely aside from the question of NFP or BC, and it is extremely disingenuous for the NYT article to insinuate that NFP was responsible for the stress and eventual breakup of their marriage.

SouthernTransplant, I feel for you!  I, too, understand how hard NFP can be.  You should know that with the Creighton model, more than 7 days in a row of fertility is considered unusual and a trained teacher should be able to help you with that.  Also, just realizing how important your physical intimacy is should encourage you and your husband to make it a priority during your infertile days.  One thing I have learned over the years is that if I (as the woman) put a lot of effort into “making it happen” when I’m not fertile, it definitely makes the fertile days easier to handle.  You are facing stress from so many different angles, I honestly doubt that more frequent intimacy is going to make everything magically better, kwim?

What it really boils down to is that a strong marriage with virtuous partners can survive and sometimes thrive with NFP use and all the problems of a weak marriage can be exacerbated horribly by NFP.

Once a generally reproductively healthy woman has looked over the risks of contraception and the failure rates NFP can look like a good option that is worth, or almost worth the hard work involved. Once the moral factors are weighed in it is usually a sale, at least in her more rational moments. For men on the other hand there is no personal health risk from contraceptives (other than vasectomy) and condoms are an inconvenience rather than a health risk so a successful NFP relationship for men relies completely on their morality, virtue and consideration for their wife without any self-preservation thrown in as motivation.

For NFP to strengthen a marriage intimacy, tenderness and consideration need to be possible without sex as a motivator and for a lot of men that is a tall order. What I have seen in many marriages that struggle badly with NFP is some variation on a woman who has to tolerate being nearly ignored and/or resented by her husband during all parts of the month when sex is a no go. Then she has to find instant passion for her husband when the green flag goes up which often means repeatedly tolerating physical intimacy where there is little emotional intimacy.  In these less than stellar NFP scenarios women often find themselves playing defense by wearing dowdier clothes, less make-up, etc. so they are even less “to blame” for their husband’s resentment at the lack of sex. It’s pretty easy to see how a situation like this could absolutely devastate a marriage.

Of course the saddest thing about the above (and other) NFP fail situations is that there is often high pressure to keep up appearances for their conservative acquaintances and as a “witness” so the deteriorating state of their marriage remains private when less pressure could see them getting marriage counseling and working to improve the situation.

In days gone by most folks who couldn’t manage another baby knew abstinence was their only option. Now we have the myth of bounteous sex. In the secular world everyone gets it all the time and in the Catholic world everyone married gets it all the time. Not that total abstinence is a highly desirable state in marriage but I agree with one of the above posters who said that married couples need to come to peace with that possibility, especially if they tend to have grave reasons for avoiding pregnancy.

Merno—You may be confused, the couple featured in this article were not Catholic, they were protestants of some sort.  So, obviously they didn’t get any Catholic based catechesis.

Sorry to be harping on this “too much sex” comment - but I think that there really is a puritanial strain among some proponents of NFP.  Some of the problems that you reference can naturally get resolved through the welcoming of children into the home.  There just isn’t the same amount of alone-time, space and energy once children come along and the marriage develops from a focus on the spouse to a combined, complementary focus on the kids. 
In an older generation when NFP wasn’t an option, there were other ways of handling copious amounts of children.  A farm family that I know had their youngest (8th) son adopted by a family member that couldn’t have children of their own.  It was a simple situation in which the mother couldn’t handle another baby.  The young man grew up knowing his biological parents (he was essentially cousins with his brothers and sisters) and it wasn’t a big deal.  He was raised in a very loving home.  It wasn’t a dirty secret, it wasn’t a scandal - it was accepted that life is hard sometimes but there is an extended family out there that can help out.  It was a blessing all the way around.  I’m sure it was hard, and was a sacrifice on the biological parent’s part - but what a wonderful outcome. 
In my view, intimacy with one’s spouse does take effort sometimes - on both parts, but it’s a way of practicing openness in other areas too.  In a world of me me me - doesn’t it seem that more generosity should be encouraged rather than less?  Of course anyone can jump to any extreme - but at the end of the day - marriage demands generosity and openness in every area of life.

Newmomoftwo- Any good, enjoyable thing can be become a disordered desire if put before God and others, so not sure where the difficulty in understanding that is coming from.

You are right that marriage demands generosity and openness to life, but that doesn’t always mean sex. Sometimes practicing NFP to space children is a GENEROUS decision with lifegiving effects. I had a horrible first birth with my son that ended in a c-section. Despite breastfeeding all day and all night long my cycles came back at 2 months postpartum, when I was still recovering in multiple ways from the surgery. Using NFP with me to delay pregnancy was a LIFE GIVING decision on the part of my husband. It allowed me to recover more and likely made our next pregnancy much healthier. It also allowed me to heal enough to have a VBAC which should actualy alllow us to have MORE children in the future. With long irregular cycles it was difficult but my husband was willing to die to himself during those times to protect my health and the health of future children. Now tell me that isn’t generous?

Many couples decide to use NFP to space pregnancies and you don’t know all the reasons why. It is not always easy and sometimes it takes heroic virtue and self-sacrifice. Whatever the reasons though it is between us and the Lord so please stop judging.

Katherine,
I am a little confused by your statement that keeping “up appearances for their conservative acquaintances” is an impediment to getting marriage counseling and working to improve the situation.  I think most people recognize that some marriages are more difficult than others and some people might need help with their marriage, whether they are using NFP or not. 
—
The situation you describe regarding the fate of many women who choose NFP could also describe a whole host of other challenges in marriage.  Indeed, I have heard similar arguments made about having children. 
—
The way I see it, stress is a part of every marriage; it can’t be avoided, only delayed and perhaps maybe shift how the stress appears.  If it is not NFP, then it is children, if it is not children, then it is illness, or inlaws, or one of the thousand other stresses that appear in every marriage.  If the marriage has problems that are exacerbated by NFP, I believe it is probably only a matter of time before some other stress will exacerbate the problems if the couple decides to forgo NFP.

Margaret - First of all, I’m not judging. Secondly, I’ve had two c-sections and am facing a third.  For the record, I’ve known women who’ve had 5, 8, 9 c-sections.  In this age of advanced medicine, a c-section is hardly a life-threatening condition.  (I know, someone is going to jump in and say I know women who have died after a c-section, look at St. Gianna… let’s be reasonable here.  It’s EXTREMELY rare in this day and age).

Here’s what I’m saying: on the whole do we generally need to be more or less generous or more or less self-centered?  Can NFP be used generously? Sure. Sounds like your husband did.  Can NFP be used selfishly? Yup - sounds like what the couple in the article did. 
As I said, there are lots of extremes and the Church allows for the use of NFP in various cases.  No one is arguing that. 

What I’m saying is that married people hardly need another excuse to not be generous to one’s spouse, and the idea that it’s a common and easy practice that “too much sex” in an otherwise healthy marriage is one of them. 

Who’s really judging here? It’s not me.

NewMomofTwo, I am not sure what is puritanical about claiming that sex, like any activity can become a problem if an emphasis is placed on it to exclusion of other important activities.  Believe it or not, there can even be such a thing as too much prayer—at least of a certain type.  It is not without reason that all the monastic orders that have survived through the centuries have required the monks to spend time doing work that was not prayer.  Balance is important for every aspect of life, prayer, sex, work can all be harmful if not balanced with the other needs of ones life.
—
I agree that having children can reduce the emphasis on sex in a marriage, but unless a couple has worked on their relationship beforehand, that reduction can also be an issue of great stress on the marriage.  It is unfortunate but true that more than one husband has resented the lack of sex that comes with a new baby and likewise, more than one new mother has resented the demands her husband puts on her.
—
Further, I think it is important to remember that the purpose of marriage is not just to produce and raise children, but for the husband and wife to share a lifetime together, even after the children have grown up and moved out of the house.  If the couple has not built their marriage, independent of their children, they may find they have little in common once the children leave the nest.

I want to say that I agree with NewMomofTwo. One problem I have with NFP-users (not with NFP itself) is that some of them tend to get on a high horse about the virtue of periodic abstinence in marriage.

Now when you consider all of the trials a couple must endure together over the course of their marriage, a week or so of mutually agreed-upon abstinence each cycle probably won’t rank among the most difficult (although depending on the couple perhaps it would!). Couples learn to get through tough times together, and God can bring good out of difficulty, strengthening the marriage in the end. But that doesn’t mean that the trial was a good thing in and of itself.

In the case of NFP, I think users often act like periodic abstinence is a good thing in itself. MarylandBill, for example, has actually said that NFP prevents there being “too much sex” in marriage and that, if a couple has a problem with periodic abstinence, this is probably because their marriage is built entirely on sex and because they don’t know how to relate to each other in any other way. This is the most extreme position I’ve run into so far, but I often encounter the attitude that periodic abstinence in NFP somehow proves that couples have their priorities straight, that their verbal communication must be better for the lack of sex, and that restraining their appetites through abstinence is somehow better than “indulging” their appetites whenever they want.

I think this is ridiculous. Let’s not forget that the IDEAL is being open to children—i.e., NO periodic abstinence, i.e., having sex whenever the couple feels like it! If remaining open to children (NOT abstaining) is the ideal in marriage, then a way of life that employs periodic abstinence to avoid children is necessarily NOT equally good and especially not better. If you start from the premise that being open to children is ideal, then it logically follows that sex whenever the husband and wife want it is BETTER than periodic abstinence. God did not design NFP and offer it to married couples; humans designed NFP as a way to get around conception.

So go ahead and employ periodic abstinence if you must for the time being, and by all means defend NFP as better than artificial contraception. But don’t imply that couples who use NFP somehow have stronger marriages than couples who enjoy sex whenever they want it. There is no Biblical basis for the idea of “too much sex in marriage.”

I personally think that sex is to marriage as the Eucharist is to the soul and that married couples should have sex as often as possible.

Maryland Bill - I agree with you - but I hardly think it is a big problem.  That’s all I’m saying.  As a couple takes the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune” that get hurled at them through all the things you’ve mentioned, any emphasis on ONE thing can and sometimes does become problematic.

When people write things in comboxes, there’s usually an impetus outside of the article or other commentators writings that prompt it.  In my case, I may be (over?)reacting to a few pre-marriage comments that I received about whether or not my husband and I had taken an NFP class.  First of all - its no one’s business.  Secondly, nope!  We married while we were older, were financially stable and didn’t (and don’t) foresee the need to space children outside of the natural cycles of breastfeeding-induced-infertility. In one of these discussion, one of my closer friends blurted out - you mean, you’re just going to have sex ANYTIME?  Awkwardly, I replied, “I guess so” but felt this horror that marriage really might be unbridled passion at any moment of the day or night… soap opera style.  After marriage and more so, after babies, I realized - married life really isn’t like an x-rated movie even if it’s a Church-sanctioned one.  And couples with young babies sometimes/often have to fight for alone time, or relationship time, or adult time.  So, a little nudge in the generosity department isn’t a bad thing, and a “be careful you’re not having too much sex” warning really could be a bad thing because it gives us an out to say, “I’ve given enough of myself, I don’t have to budge.”
Maybe I’m just a naturally selfish person that needs some encouragement in the generosity department ALL the time, and that most people are not.  *shrug*

MarylandBill - let me correct you on one thing - marriage is not for a couple to share a lifetime together.  That is completely false.  It is for the sanctity of the spouse - that is, get the spouse to heaven.  That’s my husband’s job - get me to heaven.  It’s not to make me happy in this life.  Actually, there’s nothing about Christianity that has as its end to make the person happy in this life, but in eternity.

I read the article in the NY Times, what would you expect from them?  They never miss an opportunity to bash moral standards or Christianity.
Re NFP, we’ve been using it since we married, almost 30 years, six kids last two were totally shocking surprises, but we agree we cannot imagine our family without them.  By the way the ages range from 27 to age 5, so it makes for a lot of interesting comments.  Most of the negative ones come from Catholics sadly.  Our Protestant friends seem more supportive and seemed extremely thrilled when the last one was born.
I have never felt guilty desiring my wife during abstinence.  Six kids and she still looks hot to me all the time.  Can’t help it.

^Exactly. The comments and attitudes NewMomofTwo is describing above is exactly what I’m talking about. Sex within marriage is a good. Just like communication. Just like helping each other around the house. Should we go employ periods of silence in order to avoid indulging in excess verbal communication and in order to appreciate it all the more when it is allowed? Should we employ periods of NOT helping each other with tasks in order to avoid self-indulgence and to appreciate the help all the more when it is available? Should we periodically refrain from verbally saying “I love you” to avoid the danger of excess verbal expression of love? We would consider any of these things ridiculous. Why is sex in marriage any different?

Would also recommend the book “Holy Sex, A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing,Infallible Loving”.  We saw it in the magazine “Faith and Family” couple months ago, got it and read it.  Wish we had it years ago.  I’ll admit NFP is difficult at times, like right now, but wait till next week.  The book really healps!

One thing that is bugging me about my comments above - that I felt the need to justify why we didn’t/don’t need an NFP class.  As Calalilly said - this is the norm, not the other way around.

@bill Quit bashing the Catholic Church. To those that are faithful, there is no confusion with the Catechism. NFP CAN be seen as contraception. Periodic abstinence is a method to space babies, HOWEVER, if the motivation to space is sinful, then it is contraception. No one but God can judge a man’s heart. Because a person of faith lives in difficult situations, like China, is no reason for the Church to change it’s position or need to clarify. The Pope’s statements about condoms were misconstrued by the press. For those that have been clouded by sin or ill catechised, condoms can be a first step toward Grace. At least they would be aware enough not to spread disease. They have a long journey toward loving persons and using things instead of using persons and loving things.

As to the good old days when their wasn’t NFP—I tell you my grandmother grew up without love and without parental guidance because they were so overwhelmed “on the farm”.  They could conceive but they could not love and that is the whole point to being open to life—-being open to ALL of it not just the easy part of conception.  The goal of having kids is getting them to heaven and things like that really prevent them from getting there. It only beings at conception the hard work comes after.

For the record momof2 women do die or are permanently disabled from child birth or other post partum illnesses.  Nothing is more annoying to me than people who minimize potential medical risks as if God will save everyone from a harm who has a DVT during pregnancy if they pray hard enough. Same with women who suffer from post partum psychosis—we know that does not always end well when couples choose “generosity” over prudence.

As for Bethany and Sam-she used to write for Focus on the Family publication called Boundless.  At 19 she promoted courting and waiting until you are married to kiss.  I believe she was married to Sam at 19.

Having 4 kids in 5 yrs of marriage at the age of 19 is a very difficult situation.  They started out thinking they could handle anything and that NFP was a way to space children effectively.  I admit there is some bad marketing out there for NFP in terms of how well it works for individual couples because we know it does not always work to avoid a pregnancy.  They were human beings with limitiations and an inability to handle the stress the comes from too many children spaced to closely together in addition to post partum depression and the financial responsibility that comes with raising a family.  Contrary to what some believe God does not send you a money tree in your backyard with each new child and sometimes stress breaks human beings and marriages.
As for Sam not wanting to give anyone advice anymore—it sounds like he humbly believes that he did alot of talking without actual life experience.
I see some non-catholic marriages that use contraception flourishing so I can’t reconcile that with what Jennifer describes as all of them are doing terribly.  I see some couples who use NFP deal with sexual abuse in the form of demanding sex from the wife and telling her she is not open to life if she is not available whenever despite the fact that she does not get help with the kids from her husband and is dealing with chronic illness.  Actually I would say the friends I know who use contraception are fairing better than the NFP using ones.  That is definintely not a scientfic study and most use NFP.  I personally think selfishness and awful things can exist in an NFP or ABC using relationship.  Of course being Catholic the church teaches you will go to hell if you use ABC so I am not trying to encourage anyone to not follow their Catholic conscience.  Just have difficulty reconiling what I see with the point Jennifer is making.

Bethany has been attacked at times by the Catholic community because of their retraction of open embrace.  I pray that she can find the compassiona and mercy she needs to heal and that we as Catholics can offer some of that to her.

NFP saved my sanity. Found it at a table outside church when, unknown to me, I had started menopause. My mother had died of cancer a few years previously. Shortly before her death, her 3rd doctor found she had advanced cancer. Her only symptom was diarrhea. Having gone to a few doctors trying to confirm that I was going through menopause starting at age 39 and not receiving a answer, I am sure that I would have thought that I too have cancer. The doctors just have not found it yet.

NFP also helped me manage my being upset during hot flashes, etc. as I knew that most of the upsets were do to menopause and not the person I was dealing with.

My husband and I have never used any birth control except NFP, and I have to disagree that it isn’t hard on a marriage. So much of what we were told about NFP has turned out to be completely false.

For example, the idea that there’s less pressure to have sex with NFP. I think there’s *more* pressure, because you can only have sex at certain times. Even if one or both of you is exhausted or not feeling well, there’s this feeling that maybe we should take advantage of this time anyway since we’ll be fertile soon. I’ve never used ABC, but I’ve had extended periods when I didn’t have to worry about periodic abstinence, because I was already pregnant or nursing. I felt much more relaxed during those times. If we can’t have sex for a couple days for whatever reason while I’m pregnant or nursing, no biggie, we’ll just do it when that time is over, and not have to worry that we might be fertile then.

Another is the idea that NFP is equally shared by the husband and wife. This is a real head-scratcher for me. NFP is 99% the woman’s responsibility, because she’s the one who has fertility signs. Yes, the man should take the class too and the wife should inform him of what’s going on with her cycle, but that doesn’t mean it’s equally shared. It *can’t* be equally shared, due to simple biology. Saying it’s equally shared is like saying men share childbirth equally with women if they go to Lamaze classes. And men can eat whatever they want and take any medication they want and not have it affect their fertility signs. Unless a woman literally showed her husband the mucus every day and asked him what he thought, I don’t know how NFP could be equally shared. And I would imagine most husbands would be grossed out by that! I know the burden of hormonal methods of ABC also falls on the woman, but there are other barrier methods that don’t. 

Then there’s the idea that an NFP-using couple will be less devastated by a surprise pregnancy. This makes no sense if they are using NFP the way it’s supposed to be used. Couples are only supposed to use NFP to avoid if they have a truly serious reason to do so. So if they get pregnant anyway, of course they will be upset, if the reason for avoiding was truly serious. Whereas an ABC-using couple is not necessarily avoiding pregnancy for a serious reason. Many are, but not all. I think I faithful Catholic couple using NFP to avoid is a lot more likely to have a serious reason to avoid a child at that time than an ABC-using couple. Therefore, the ABC-using couple is more likely to have the resources to deal with an unexpected pregnancy.

And sure, spouses argue about birth control, but they can also argue about NFP. My husband hates NFP and wants to use birth control. It’s been incredibly hard on my marriage. In fact, I would say relying on NFP is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to do in my entire life. (I have very difficult PCOS cycles which I haven’t’ been able to regulate in 8 years, and I’m expecting my third surprise.) I would love to be able to use birth control – it would be a huge weight of my shoulders. But I’m scared of going to hell.

MarylandBill,

What I meant about the pressure is that talking about your Catholic marriage being less than stellar can be very soothing if you find someone supportive to tell but if you confide in the wrong catholic friends it can make your churchgoing experience and social interactions in those circles very awkward. Finding a good counselor who supports the Church’s teachings on sexuality/NFP can be very difficult and usually requires asking around, in particular asking conservative fellow catholics, who can be very judgmental. For a couple who is struggling getting babysitting for a regular schedule of couples counseling can be difficult and some of the first people you would normally ask, family and friends, will want to know what is going on and tend to ask questions.  Babysitters cost money that a young couple in peak fertile years with young children may not be able to afford.

These discussions become so useless when people try to take circumstances that apply to a select few and try to make blanket statements for everyone else.

DVT occurs once in every 1,000 to 2,000 pregnancies. 

And, I’m sure that you don’t wish that your grandmother was never born - instead, you wish that there was more generosity in the household, not less.

Sigh, ok, let me start with NewMomofTwo, yes, you are correct that the ultimate goal of marriage is to get each other to heaven.  However, for the marriage to fulfill that goal, it must also be a life long marriage.  I never said anything about the purpose of marriage being for your husband to make you happy and you to make your husband happy.  So please don’t read that into what I wrote (Though that being said, in so far as is possible, spouses should try to make each other happy).
—
Now, to specifically address some other points made by Callalily and NewMomofTwo.  I never said “NFP prevents there being “too much sex” in marriage”“.  I said that NFP can be useful in helping make sure this desire (The desire for sex) is not over indulged.  There is a difference. 
—
I also am having a great deal of trouble finding where I said that if a couple has trouble with periodic abstinence it means their marriage is built entirely on sex.  Here is what I remember saying and what I can find when I reread my comments.  1. I did say that some marriages that fail, fail because they were built purely on a sexual relationship and when the passion waned, they had nothing holding them together.  2. That any problems brought to the surface by NFP will inevitably be brought to the surface by some other stress in the marriage.
—
I don’t believe that NFP necessarily proves anything about a couple’s communication or priorities (As I believe my initial response to this blog post suggested).  I do believe that NFP, when practiced for the right reasons can encourage good communications and can help a couple (through that communication) get their priorities straight.  Are there other couples who neither contracept nor practice NFP who have good communication and have their priorities straight?  I am sure there are.
—
Final thought (for this post anyway), Calalilly devotes an entire post listing goods and asking if we should restrict them in our homes and why sex is any different?  In some respects it is different in the sense that the physical pleasure that comes with it makes it much easier for people to desire it for selfish reasons alone.  That being said, I think a case could be made for some of the Calalilly’s facetious suggestions.  If your marriage runs the risk of being nothing but a conversation every moment you are together, then perhaps a period of silence every day might be a good thing (Similar to the great silence at monasteries).  If you are helping your spouse so much that your spouse is unable to do many of the basic tasks around your house, it might be a good thing to help them become more self reliant. 
—
Here is the thing, as Catholics, everything is good in how it helps us draw closer to God.  But understanding that, we can also see how all that is good can be corrupted by its misuse (except of course God who by his very nature can’t be corrupted).  For some, but not necessarily all, periods of abstinence can help us from corrupting one or more of those goods.

momofninenfpteach,
    Bash is inaccurate.  The birth control position is disputed as to infallibility with some very weighty authors denying its infallibility.  No Pope has corrected those particular theologians.  In fact Karl Rahner had a post mortem retrospective of his theology at the Lateran at which Arcgbishop Amato, 2nd at the CDF called him an orthodox theologian while knowing that he publically urged Catholics to proceed by conscience in this matter.
    When a moral issue is non infallible, a Catholic may dissent with prayer, study and counsel ....see Vol.I of the “Way of the Lord Jesus” by Germain Grisez, page 854.  Grisez is very conservative and thinks birth control infallibly settled as universal ordinary magisterium but in writing his moral theology tome, he had to state as permissible what Rahner and Haring suggested…ie that the non infallible can be met with not rash dissent but dissent after study and counsel.  Rahner who edited the Enchiridion Symbolorum which ascertains dogmatic levels saw Grisez in error as to the issue being settled in the ordinary magisterium which can be universal or can be incorrect on morals.  But both believed in the right to conscientious dissent which is not in the catechism but is in the moral theology tomes read mostly by clergy.  The catechism definition of conscience is actual circular…study til you agree.  Moral theology tomes admit that the conscience can study and not agree as in the below case….
    We actually needed widespread prayerful dissent of a sincere type in 1520 AD when Pope Leo X defended burning heretics at the stake in Exsurge Domine….and he said the opposite position was “against the Catholic Faith”.  PS….now the last two Popes do not even want the death penalty for actual murderers.
    In China, 8 of your children would have been aborted by the government while you were strapped down.  And you want Chinese couples to go through that based on a papal position that no Pope will do an ex cathedra encyclical on even though the purpose of ex cathedra is to resolve what is unclear to multitudes and to respected theologians in the
ordinary magisterium.

Sarah,
I feel for you.  I can’t really deny any of what your saying your circumstances, because well, you are there, and have been at the center of it all.  But please understand, that at least some of your circumstances are not universal to NFP couples; Those circumstances can I think make all the difference in the world how the couple views NFP.  You and your family will be in my prayers.

MamaJen says “I was pregnant with our second when my husband was baptized, and even though I followed all the “rules” of “ecological breastfeeding”, I got pregnant again when my second son was just 5.5 months old.”  I encourage you or any other eco-breastfeeding mother to go to www.NFPandmore.org, google search “Breastfeeding Survey” and fill it out.  It would be greatly appreciated.  Sheila

@Bill If bash is inaccurate then I cite your original post. For many that would read this, not enough study is done to inform the conscience. There are two few voices that speak for life. I thank God that I do not live in China and that I can see 8/9 of my children. It would be a heavy burden indeed to only have one or two but that is not how I was called. It is a straw man to cite how many I have and what choices I would have to make in China. I could have freely made those choices here. It does not change the fact that chemical BC poisons a woman’s body. I can only speak of my husband who believes, for him, that would be too selfish for the convenience of sex whenever he desired. Barrier methods lack spontaneity and there is a whole aspect of fertility being a thing to be avoided. I have been blessed to know women who have not been able to have any children. I have united my struggle with abundant fertility to their lack of it. I also pray for those fathers and mothers in China who are so oppressed by their leaders. The forced empty arms is a travesty. How much more of a travesty that we debate the use of ABC vs NFP when we have so much. We need to pray for one another and encourage each other to live faithful lives. It is not easy but it is the better thing. I so wish there were pro life doctors all over the country that understood NFP and how to help women with their health. NFP didn’t just help me space my children, it helped me when my body showed signs of illness too.

momof9
    Several priests from TV (both gone now) sternly….sternly….made less educated viewers of EWTN think that conscience cannot dissent on this issue absolutely.  Theologians greater than they held that one could dissent on this conditionally…conditional on prayer,study and counsel.  Readers can print out my previous post and discuss it with their pastor.  If he seems not cognizant of the authors or concepts involved, make an appointment with your Bishop or a priest teaching theology in a Catholic college near you if appropo in your case.  Show my post.  Goodbye and Peace.

Interesting that their divorce came three years after they ditched the NFP thing.  If contraception was supposed to be such a wonderful relief to the problems of NFP, what happened there?  Their story makes me so, so sad.

I find that a good balance to NFP is Karazza.  The practice of sex without orgasm.

Sarah,

Thank you for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful post.  I agree also that the marketing done for NFP is not correct for many couples.  Good point about it being the wife’s responsibilty.  I have always felt that was as well.  I mean my husband is not going to the bathroom with me.  Anyway, I can understand exactly where you are coming from.

newmomof2,

Try for a minute to listen.  Women today do have medical risks associated with pregnancy and childbirth.  It is unfortunate that you consider that information useless.  I understand because I have known women who have had pregnancy/post-partum complications and died, nearly died or were disabled by them.  DVT is an example of one.  There are many more including: post partum psychosis or depression, congestive heart failure, high blood pressure with pregnancy.  I’m not sure how extensive of a list you need to understand the reality?  Ignorance dismisses the serious nature of things some women deal with.

Of course, I am grateful my grandmother is here but the truth is her parents did the best they could given the cirucumstances they were living under.  They were human beings and due to the severe nature of their circumstances they offered all they could which unfortunately did not include tangible expressions of love.

Bethany suffered post-partum depression and this certainly had an impact on her marriage and was exacerbated by having too many children too close together.  My point is illness is real and can’t just be prayed away. It is integral to any topic about family planning.

Beth,

Thank you for using small words so my small, rote prayer brain can understand.

My point, if you would like to listen, is that rare cases should not make the rule.  Of course, I understand that there are complications, risks and difficulties in every pregnancy, every childbirth and every marriage. For these cases and in these circumstances, the Church allows for exceptions to rules.  Further, in these cases and these circumstances, we have the most modern and advanced medical advances available to reduce the risks and sometime eliminate them.  Having been through pregnancy yourself, you know the strains on a woman’s psyche, her physical body and how it affects the rest of her family.  These things are HARD and no one is underestimating or undermining these things. Certainly not me.  However, I refuse to be a victim to any of these things, I refuse to make my husband a victim to any of these things, and I refuse to say “because these things CAN happen, I will try to be as selfish as possible so as to eliminate any risk or discomfort to myself.”  Life happens and the only thing that we can control is our response to it.  Through hard work and prayer, I am trying to respond to difficulties with generosity, thinking of others before my self, and with gratitude for the things that I do have. Do I fail - often.  That doesn’t mean that I need an out, want an out or think my life shouldn’t be harder than it already is. 
You seem to want to say because X has a particularly hard time, I should do everything in my own life, that has nothing to do with X’s, to make my life easier.  It doesn’t work that way.  Each person has to focus on their own circumstances, their own lives and make decisions within their family.  Do most people have X’s problem? Nope.  Each person has their own.
As I said before, discussions like this get reduced to the most extreme cases, and then become useless for the rest of the population, as you have pointed out.

I’m not making reference to your life or choices newmomoftwo nor I am telling you what you should be doing.  You are free to do whatever you want!!This discussion in not about you and your choices which you seem to think are what everyone should be doing.

For me it was about family life and planning and sharing thoughts on that.  I recognize that some have medical and other risks associated with childbirth and it is obnoxious for you to even hint that they are victims or making themselves victims because they are avoiding a pregnancy because they are selfish and want to avoid discomfort.  I’ve heard alot of theology on the internet but that one really takes the cake.  Yes, medical technology has advanced but there is also a decrease in the rate of some complications because women at high risk use contraception and don’t get pregnant.  (Not advocating that just referencing)
Post-partum depression is a mental illness from which Bethany suffered a severe form of it.  It effected her ability to care for her marriage and her children.

When are we just going to say it? Marriage I HARD WORK. much of that hard work is psychological and spiritual. Sex is an easy thing to post your frustrations on because men and women come from totally different perspectives. My husband and I have been through tough times, and NFP has been a tempting scapegoat. (Why should we abstain when we need to build our marriage right now?) Hindsight being 20/20,we can now realize our fortitude and coming together on our morals and trust in God was more strengthening than having sex whenever we wanted. We all suffer in life and marriage, but our strength comes from our response to suffering.

Jennifer seemed to think that barrier methods are bad, faulty and too much work.  Well, we have used them for years with no problems!  Using withdrawl coupled with one barrier method works!

I cannot, for the life of me, understand what is wrong with using barrier methods in a marriage.

Dear momofthree:

I’m sure that these methods helped you to achieve your goal, presumably - have a healthy sexual relationship with your husband while avoiding pregnancy.  However, the Church instructs her members to think of sex as having more to do with a self or mutual physical satisfaction… and is actually something that involves the Creator Himself since this is the act that He has chosen to use as the creation of new life and an immortal soul in the world.  Hence, this act means much more to the couple and to the world than something privately done within a marriage.  It can have eternal consequences.  Because of this - the Church tells its members that they need to be open to each other in this act, as well as open to God who may choose this moment to grant a new life, an eternal soul, into the world.  This openness to God’s will is at the heart of these discussions.  I encourage you to read Theology of the Body as well as Humanae Vitae to further understand the Church’s teaching on this subject.

momofthree: Read this article for a lengthy (but excellent) treatment of the subject: http://www.catholiceducation.org/articles/sexuality/se0002.html

In sum, contraception (hormonal, barrier, or surgical) encourages partners to treat one another as mere objects for sexual gratification. It removes the procreative aspect from the marital act; in the case of barrier methods, the unitive aspect is removed as well. It’s one partner telling the other, “I welcome all of you, except your icky fertility, that is a part of you that is bad, and I don’t want it!”

I’m glad to see this article, and the honest approach it takes.  There is often a pie in the sky, clouds parting, Hallelujah chorus beginning presentation of the joys of NFP without the realistic acknowledgement of the stressors involved.

My wife and I have been married a little over 6 years, and have never used contraception in our marriage.  We have 4 children in that spat, and 3 of those four are the result of our still “learning NFP”.  I certainly have no regrets for our beautiful children, and the Lord has blessed us with many material and spriritual needs with each new life, but that doesn’t say it has not been difficult.

More than this though, it has been a stresser in terms of the issue of sexual guilt for me (as named in the article), though that is likely more deep-seated than simply our practice of NFP.  More than this though, it has been a deep emotional burden on my wife when we “can’t” have sex when she is fertile and desiring it, but we can when she is less interested, at least biologically.

This reflection is not intended to demean NFP. I am very grateful that we practice it, and as we’ve learned it more we’ve begun to grow more together.  I merely wanted to share that these realities do happen in “Good Catholic Families” and commend you for sharing on them.

I have not read Open Embraces so I will not comment on that (I have no right to, lol). But I will comment on my own experience. I have, for many years, had tokophobia, which means I am terrified of childbirth and pregnancy. I do not see it as producing children. I see it as a parasite taking over my body, wreaking havoc, then leaving me wasted and scarred, and then I have a child. Almost like the child’s appearance is unrelated. While I realize logically that this is ridiculous, that knowledge does nothing to dissuade the panic. My husband is working with me on this, and it is getting better. But I still don’t plan to have kids for 10-15 years, and I think a surprise pregnancy might send me over the edge. I need to do this in my own time, when I feel comfortable, or I might do something drastic and I don’t want to do that. Which is why I’ve opted to take the Depo Provera injection, a massive dose of synthetic progestrone injected into the muscle tissue and lasting for three months. Once I stop taking Depo there’s a latency period where I’ll still be infertile for one to two years. I will still use birth control during the latency period, but the fact that my birth control is that powerful is incredibly comforting.

I don’t pretend that my way is the only way, but I thought I’d offer up my situation as an example of times when NFP will not work.

CyraEm,

I fail to see how NFP would not work in your situation, as long as you and your husband are careful to follow the rules; the method failure rate is 98-99%. I hope you’re getting professional help for your tokophobia so you can address the underlying issues that cause you to have such a skewed and unnatural view of pregnancy and childbirth.

Also, I have several friends who have gotten pregnant while on Depo-Provera or shortly after stopping the shots, so I’d investigate your facts a bit more—they’re not necessarily accurate for every woman.

A.M.D.G.

Thank you for another excellent article!

We are a catholic family.  My husband was previously married and had two children in their mid 20’s.  We did the natural family planning and I got pregnant with our second child the first month we tried this plan.  I had my tubes tied after our second child.  I am in my 40’s and my husband is in his 60’s.  We love our two children with all our hearts but we were both scared that I may becom pregnant again.

Beth,

“I see some non-catholic marriages that use contraception flourishing so I can’t reconcile that with what Jennifer describes as all of them are doing terribly.”

Remember, you are not in that marriage, so you only know what it looks like from the outside.  Just as you do not really know someone’s finances unless you have seen the checkbook and the credit card bill.  Some people who have never been deprived of anything they wanted got there by going up to their eyeballs in debt slavery.

Let’s assume they are actually ‘thriving,’ though: we know it must be in every way except spiritually.  Tests, polls, and surveys are never designed to pick up on this aspect of harm because the ones making them think if it can’t be seen or measured, it doesn’t exist.  What riches make up for spiritual poverty?  “What does it profit a man to gain the world, but lose his soul?”  There are often short-term rewards for sinful behavior.  Otherwise, why would people do it?  At baptisms we are asked to say whether we reject the “glamour of evil.”  Can you imagine if Bernie Madoff hadn’t been caught, or nothing could be proved?  It’s always entirely possible for justice not to be done in our lifetimes.  Life as we know it is inherently unfair.  Don’t let it sap your faith.

In reading the above comments I have noticed when statements contrary to Catholic teaching. I will only correct only some of them here. Here is the Catholic teachings that some people seemed confused about. First: NFP can only be used under the direction of a priest for a very serious reason. The couple cannot decide this on their own otherwise it is in danger of becoming a Catholic form of birth control which would of course be wrong. Second: We cannot deviate from Catholic morality. We cannot use the “Conscience” argument as it cannot supercede Catholic doctrine. Conscience cannot dissent with the morality taught by the Catholic Church. If one dissents one is no longer truly Catholic but instead is picking and choosing which is a Protestant thing. Third: Contraception is never allowed under any circumstances. If someone is not joyful over each and every one of their children something is seriously wrong.

Dear Sam,
What you are saying seems to go against the words of Catholic bloggers Simcha Fischer and Leila at Little Catholic Bubble.

“NFP can only be used under the direction of a priest for a very serious reason.”

Actually, many translations say a “just” reason, and nowhere does the Church teach that it MUST be used under the direction of a priest (moreover, NFP can also be used to ACHIEVE pregnancy, it makes no sense in that context).

“If someone is not joyful over each and every one of their children something is seriously wrong.”

The child, yes. But remember that sometimes the CIRCUMSTANCES of a given pregnancy aren’t good, and it’s human nature to be less than joyful if the circumstances are poor, and sometimes it can take a while for a family to come to grips with and be joyful about the impending arrival of a new family member.

I will reiterate that it must be a SERIOUS reason and that it MUST be under the direction of a priest. This is to ensure that one is using it in accordance with Church teaching and not for self-serving motives just as a couple meets with a priest before marriage to ensure that they understand what marriage is all about. Too many times we may justify our reasons for something to ourselves but objectively it may not be a justified. People seem to think they can decide these things for themselves and that is incorrect.

As to it needing to be a serious reason, the following is a quote from
Pope Pius XII in his “Allocution to midwives”, October 29, 1951:
“It is necessary first of all to consider two hypotheses. If the application of that theory implies that husband and wife may use their matrimonial right even during the days of natural sterility no objection can be made. In this case they do not hinder or jeopardize in any way the consummation of the natural act and its ulterior natural consequences. It is exactly in this that the application of the theory, of which We are speaking, differs essentially from the abuse already mentioned, which consists in the perversion of the act itself. If, instead, husband and wife go further, that is, limiting the conjugal act exclusively to those periods, then their conduct must be examined more closely.
Here again we are faced with two hypotheses. If, one of the parties contracted marriage with the intention of limiting the matrimonial right itself to the periods of sterility, and not only its use, in such a manner that during the other days the other party would not even have the right to ask for the debt, than this would imply an essential defect in the marriage consent, which would result in the marriage being invalid, because the right deriving from the marriage contract is a permanent, uninterrupted and continuous right of husband and wife with respect to each other.
However if the limitation of the act to the periods of natural sterility does not refer to the right itself but only to the use of the right, the validity of the marriage does not come up for discussion. Nonetheless, the moral lawfulness of such conduct of husband and wife should be affirmed or denied according as their intention to observe constantly those periods is or is not based on sufficiently morally sure motives. The mere fact that husband and wife do not offend the nature of the act and are even ready to accept and bring up the child, who, notwithstanding their precautions, might be born, would not be itself sufficient to guarantee the rectitude of their intention and the unobjectionable morality of their motives.
The reason is that marriage obliges the partners to a state of life, which even as it confers certain rights so it also imposes the accomplishment of a positive work concerning the state itself. In such a case, the general principle may be applied that a positive action may be omitted if grave motives, independent of the good will of those who are obliged to perform it, show that its performance is inopportune, or prove that it may not be claimed with equal right by the petitioner—in this case, mankind.
The matrimonial contract, which confers on the married couple the right to satisfy the inclination of nature, constitutes them in a state of life, namely, the matrimonial state. Now, on married couples, who make use of the specific act of their state, nature and the Creator impose the function of providing for the preservation of mankind. This is the characteristic service which gives rise to the peculiar value of their state, the <bonum prolis>. The individual and society, the people and the State, the Church itself, depend for their existence, in the order established by God, on fruitful marriages. Therefore, to embrace the matrimonial state, to use continually the faculty proper to such a state and lawful only therein, and, at the same time, to avoid its primary duty without a grave reason, would be a sin against the very nature of married life.
Serious motives, such as those which not rarely arise from medical, eugenic, economic and social so-called “indications,” may exempt husband and wife from the obligatory, positive debt for a long period or even for the entire period of matrimonial life. From this it follows that the observance of the natural sterile periods may be lawful, from the moral viewpoint: and it is lawful in the conditions mentioned. If, however, according to a reasonable and equitable judgment, there are no such grave reasons either personal or deriving from exterior circumstances, the will to avoid the fecundity of their union, while continuing to satisfy to tile full their sensuality, can only be the result of a false appreciation of life and of motives foreign to sound ethical principles.”

Sam, where does that quote say that a couple must obtain permission from a priest, under pain of mortal sin, to use NFP to avoid?

Concerning the obligation to consult a priest - Below is a quote from Pope John Paul II’s APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION FAMILIARIS CONSORTIO:
Pastoral Care After Marriage
“69. The pastoral care of the regularly established family signifies, in practice, the commitment of all the members of the local ecclesial community to helping the couple to discover and live their new vocation and mission. In order that the family may be ever more a true community of love, it is necessary that all its members should be helped and trained in their responsibilities as they face the new problems that arise, in mutual service, and in active sharing in family life.
This holds true especially for young families, which, finding themselves in a context of new values and responsibilities, are more vulnerable, especially in the first years of marriage, to possible difficulties, such as those created by adaptation to life together or by the birth of children. Young married couples should learn to accept willingly, and make good use of, the discreet, tactful and generous help offered by other couples that already have more experience of married and family life. Thus, within the ecclesial community-the great family made up of Christian families-there will take place a mutual exchange of presence and help among all the families, each one putting at the service of others its own experience of life, as well as the gifts of faith and grace. Animated by a true apostolic spirit, this assistance from family to family will constitute one of the simplest, most effective and most accessible means for transmitting from one to another those Christian values which are both the starting point and goal of all pastoral care. Thus young families will not limit themselves merely to receiving, but in their turn, having been helped in this way, will become a source of enrichment for other longer established families, through their witness of life and practical contribution.
In her pastoral care of young families, the Church must also pay special attention to helping them to live married love responsibly in relationship with its demands of communion and service to life. She must likewise help them to harmonize the intimacy of home life with the generous shared work of building up the Church and society. When children are born and the married couple becomes a family in the full and specific sense, the Church will still remain close to the parents in order that they may accept their children and love them as a gift received from the Lord of life, and joyfully accept the task of serving them in their human and Christian growth.
II - STRUCTURES OF FAMILY PASTORAL CARE
Pastoral activity is always the dynamic expression of the reality of the Church, committed to her mission of salvation. Family pastoral care too-which is a particular and specific form of pastoral activity- has as its operative principle and responsible agent the Church herself, through her structures and workers.
…
III - AGENTS OF THE PASTORAL CARE OF THE FAMILY
As well as the family, which is the object but above all the subject of pastoral care of the family, one must also mention the other main agents in this particular sector.
Bishops and Priests
73. The person principally responsible in the diocese for the pastoral care of the family is the Bishop. As father and pastor, he must exercise particular solicitude in this clearly priority sector of pastoral care. He must devote to it personal interest, care, time, personnel and resources, but above all personal support for the families and for all those who, in the various diocesan structures, assist him in the pastoral care of the family. It will be his particular care to make the diocese ever more truly a “diocesan family,” a model and source of hope for the many families that belong to it. The setting up of the Pontifical Council for the Family is to be seen in this light: to be a sign of the importance that I attribute to pastoral care for the family in the world, and at the same time to be an effective instrument for aiding and promoting it at every level.
The Bishops avail themselves especially of the priests, whose task-as the Synod expressly emphasized-constitutes an essential part of the Church’s ministry regarding marriage and the family. The same is true of deacons to whose care this sector of pastoral work may be entrusted.
Their responsibility extends not only to moral and liturgical matters but to personal and social matters as well. They must support the family in its difficulties and sufferings, caring for its members and helping them to see their lives in the light of the Gospel. It is not superfluous to note that from this mission, if it is exercised with due discernment and with a truly apostolic spirit, the minister of the Church draws fresh encouragement and spiritual energy for his own vocation too and for the exercise of his ministry.
Priests and deacons, when they have received timely and serious preparation for this apostolate, must unceasingly act towards families as fathers, brothers, pastors and teachers, assisting them with the means of grace and enlightening them with the light of truth. Their teaching and advice must therefore always be in full harmony with the authentic Magisterium of the Church, in such a way as to help the People of God to gain a correct sense of the faith, to be subsequently applied to practical life. Such fidelity to the Magisterium will also enable priests to make every effort to be united in their judgments, in order to avoid troubling the consciences of the faithful.
In the Church, the pastors and the laity share in the prophetic mission of Christ: the laity do so by witnessing to the faith by their words and by their Christian lives; the pastors do so by distinguishing in that witness what is the expression of genuine faith from what is less in harmony with the light of faith; the family, as a Christian community, does so through its special sharing and witness of faith. Thus there begins a dialogue also between pastors and families. Theologians and experts in family matters can be of great help in this dialogue, by explaining exactly the content of the Church’s Magisterium and the content of the experience of family life. In this way the teaching of the Magisterium becomes better understood and the way is opened to its progressive development. But it is useful to recall that the proximate and obligatory norm in the teaching of the faith-also concerning family matters-belongs to the hierarchical Magisterium. Clearly defined relationships between theologians, experts in family matters and the Magisterium are of no little assistance for the correct understanding of the faith and for promoting-within the boundaries of the faith-legitimate pluralism.”

Now I realize this does not specifically say the couple must seek the advice of a priest but it is quite clear that they must seek counsel and seek to follow God’s will and subject themselves to the teachuing of the Church. It is also clear that priests are instructed to be there to advise and guide married couples throughout their married lives. In all important moments we are required to seek God’s will and this is taught through the Living Voice of the Church. Thus it is a time honored for Catholics to seek Spiritual Direction. There are documents of Pius XI and Pius XII that also mention the importance of seeking God’s will. As Catholics, we do NOT do this only through prayer and reflection but also through the advice and admonitions given to us by the priest. As Catholics we see the Church as mediator and the voice of God on earth. We do not only pray and do what we feel like God is telling us. We do not rely on feelings. We go to the Church to confirm that we are in conformity with the Truth and that our reasons or rationalizations are legitimate.
I realize this may not be sufficient for some, but as a faithful Catholic it should just be a part of life to ask the priest’s advice in important matters like this. We are here to serve God and do His will. This we seek through the Church along with prayer and reflection. One cannot legitimately be detatched from the other.

“Now I realize this does not specifically say the couple must seek the advice of a priest…”

Thank you for admitting this, Sam. It’s very true that couples should indeed seek spiritual direction when making the decision to use NFP to avoid, but that doesn’t necessarily mean a priest (especially if the couple has the misfortune to have one of those liberal priests who does not believe in the Church’s teaching regarding contraception). Couples could also seek the advice of other orthodox, faithful Catholics, religious, faithful Catholic therapists, etc.

But really, no one can intimately know the true circumstances of a couple’s physical state, mental state, financial status, etc. but the couple themselves and God, and that’s where the decision ultimately rests. Simcha Fisher has a great article about this: http://simchafisher.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/why-doesnt-the-church-just-make-a-list/

I am not sure what you are saying I’m admitting. Now while I agree that consulting a bad liberal priest is not good, it is still imperative that they seek the advice of a good and holy priest who does follow Church teaching. The priest has the grace of his priesthood to help him in counseling his flock. While seeking advice of other good Catholics is always a good thing, it cannot take the place of the grace and authority of the priesthood. Also, so that the priest will know the couple’s situation, it is important that they are open and honest with him so that he can give them the best direction. It is what the Church says that counts. What I am trying to get at is that people are too ready to excuse themselves today for frivolous reasons. We have gotten too soft in multiple areas. There was a time when people would just grit their teeth and offer it up. No one wants to offer anything up these days. Yes life can be tough. We need to stop excusing ourselves for everything and remember all those who came before us who had it much harder. In general, we have it much easier today. Yes there are exceptions hence the need to consult with a priest. One example of those who had it rough would be the family of St Bernadette. She came from a large family which was so poor they lived in the old jail. It was a single room that was at most 12ft x 12ft. They made do with what they had. We need to find the courage today to do likewise.

Once again I will reiterate that we DO have the obligation to consult with our spiritual father (our parish priest) in any serious occurrence in our lives. This is just a part of Catholic life. We are not protestants who don’t believe in the authority of the Church.

NFP nearly wrecked our marriage, contraception saved it.

The problem with the Catholic teaching on sex is that it overemphasizes the individual sex acts over the sexual relationship as a whole. In Catholic teaching, every sex act must be the ideal act that is “open to life” without doing anything to prevent pregnancy. Anything less than this ideal is sinful, because it is artificially altering the sex act. Sex is either ideal or soul damning.

However, NFP creates an artificial sex life, even if every individual sex act is natural. There is nothing natural about tracking the woman’s cycle and timing your sexual relationship based on biological markers. (Especially since biology is encouraging you to conceive.) NFP is not different than ABC: It is birth control and it is artificial. And having as many babies as God gives you is not physically or emotionally healthy for most couples.

NFP advocates do make legitimate points about the problems with certain forms of contraception, especially hormonal birth control. However, they frequently downplay the problems couples have with NFP. Frequent mutual sexual desire in marriage is a sign of a healthy marriage, and fear of pregnancy, sexual frustration, and guilt over “sinful” encounters to not work to strengthen a marriage.

Yes, some couples have arguments about artificial contraception.  But guess what? These couples would have the same arguments about NFP. NFP does not magically make a couple open to life, but it will make their marital problems far worse if they aren’t.

The Catholic teaching against contraception is based on incorrect ideas about sex and marriage and taught by those who have taken a vow of celibacy. The teaching is even internally inconsistent, praising the beauty of “natural” sex, but considering anything less as soul-damning, no matter how mutually fulfilling to each partner.

Enjoyed your article.

My child was conceived when I was on the pill, before I was married. My marriage was barren because my husband’s vasectomy reversal didn’t work, so I am really grateful that I resisted the pressure to abort the child who has been such a pleasure in my life.

Sometimes it is the need to control that is the problem. There is always going to be that element of not being able to control your life, so you set yourself up for a certain amount of heartache when you choose to believe that you are somehow entitled to total control over everything.

“NFP does not magically make a couple open to life, but it will make their marital problems far worse if they aren’t.”

Very true. Catholics are required to be open to life and they declare such at their wedding ceremonies.  I think people, including Catholics, sometimes overlook that.  Non-Catholics can and do marry with the intention to not be open to life/children.  This just isn’t an option for Catholics.  It’s not the teaching about sex that is the true stumbling block—it’s the doctrine of marriage that lies underneath.