Family Matters

Our 11-year-old wants to date. She argues with us because her middle-school friends are already doing so. Can you recommend anything for her to read that will discourage this? She's too young to date. Help!

Short answer: Just say No.

Longer answer: In our days as teachers, we saw absolutely nothing good coming from early dating. At best, it's an emotional roller-coaster ride ending in heartbreak; at worst, it's an occasion for serious sin. And your daughter might not be exaggerating when she reports that her classmates are dating. Unfortunately, the kids-pairing-off phenomenon has been trending younger and younger for years.

Part of the blame lies with us parents: We think it's “cute” when Jack and Diane start going around together in elementary school. Then we acquiesce to dance parties and middle-school sock hops. Big events like the Senior Prom were once a rite of passage reserved for 12th-graders; now we're crowning homecoming queens among 12-year-olds.

As Caroline's brother, a veteran high-school principal, laments, “By the time they reach high school, what else is there left to try but sex?” A recent study supports his observation: If a child has a first date between the ages of 11 and 13, there is a 90% chance he or she will be sexually active by senior year. Meanwhile, the longer the first date is held off, the lower that percentage falls.

That's ammo to fire up your resolve, but how can you deal with this issue practically in your family?

Our own children have not reached dating age, so we're going to share with you tried-and-true wisdom from Caroline's parents, who raised five chaste teen-agers and lived to tell.

First, plan a pre-emptive strike. Talk and pray with your spouse to discern at what age you'll allow a one-on-one date. (In our house, it was 16). My parents encouraged us to go out in groups, go to football games, even sock hops, but absolutely no single dating until 16. That needs to become your family standard to proclaim from the rooftops, starting now. This helps make the battle not so personal: “Sorry, Sweetie, I think Bubba is a nice boy, but in our family we don't date until we're 18.”

When your child turns 16, you don't have to immediately relinquish your car keys. Same with dating. It's a privilege to be earned, based on showing responsibility through earning good grades, honoring household rules and so on.

Even if you allow an occasional date, you must still discourage steady dating. The purpose of serious dating is to find a mate for life. So, as my father used to say, “Unless you're ready, willing and able to be married, you should not steadily date.” When we reached the designated age, my father presented us with a contract that spelled all this out. A corollary was that we couldn't go out with the same person more than three times in a row. We had to sign and date the form, which didn't mean we agreed with it. (I didn't, at the time!). It simply indicated we understood the family standard.

Finally, two great books for your daughter are Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Stand firm, Mom and Dad!

The McDonalds serve as family life directors for the archdiocese of Mobile, Alabama.