‘But I Said I'm Sorry!’

Q My 7-year-old son almost always says “I'm sorry” after he's done something wrong. He seems so genuinely remorseful. As long as he's learned his lesson, do I need to discipline him, too?

A Let me begin by suggesting what you could say in response. Try: “Apology accepted,” or “That's good to hear.” What to do in response is the more important matter.

Most likely, one of two motives is guiding your son. Either he's truly sorry for what he did, or he knows discipline is near and he's learned that saying “I'm sorry” conveys that he doesn't need to be punished.

Which motive is it? It's hard to say. It could be a combination of both. It could change with the situation. For many kids, “I'm sorry” begins pretty genuine, and then over time, if they see that it sometimes talks them out of trouble, it slides more quickly off their tongue. A basic truth about kids: They learn real fast what works.

But whatever your son's reasons for saying “I'm sorry,” they're not really relevant to your response. That is, whether he's remorseful or faking, you still must discipline misconduct.

Consider the adult world: If you stole a car, would the judge say, “Okay, you really seem to regret what you did, so wax the car up, put a note of apology on the windshield for the owner, and we'll forget the whole thing”? No, there would be consequences. You did wrong, you were sorry, now you pay the price.

The fact that your son may be truly remorseful is only part of his lesson. The other part is that he learns he will be held accountable for his conduct, not just by his feelings, but by his mother. True sorrow is a sign of developing conscience, but to keep his conscience developing, you have to discipline.

Dr. Ray Guarendi is a clinical psychologist and author.