The Wife's Birthday

Q

My husband has many fine qualities, but attentiveness to my birthday and our anniversary isn't one of them. He remembers, but I keep hoping for a better display of love and thoughtfulness. I go all out for his birthday, but he doesn't seem to appreciate it. How can I get him to do better?

A

Ah, a classic! Nothing illustrates the difference between the sexes than the way we approach special occasions. Many wives are frustrated by the lack of a husband's learning curve when it comes to these otherwise joyful events. Not only does this usually responsible, loving man never fail to disappoint, but he also misses the big hints his wife drops by her example on his birthday. Exasperated, the loving wife wonders why she even bothers.

Let's first issue a disclaimer: Not all men and women are wired in the way we are about to describe. However, allow us to paint an all-too-familiar picture. It's Christmas, and Suzy is excited about Stan's gift for her. Never mind that he has an underwhelming track record; this could be his breakthrough year. Ever hopeful, she's had her eye on a new necklace and a blouse, and even mentioned it once. When the big moment finally arrives, Stan proudly reveals his gift: a brand-new set of tires for Suzy's car!

Stan is taken aback by Suzy's disappointment; after all, it was she who mentioned the car's need for tires, and they weren't cheap. (Don't laugh — this actually happened in Tom's family, but the names have been changed to protect the guilty.)

How does this happen? A husband knows his wife well but isn't entirely confident about what she would like as a gift. Some guys fear those jewelry and perfume counters. To make matters worse, she doesn't want to spell it out entirely for him. “He should be able to figure it out,” she reasons. So, not wanting to guess wildly and wrongly about what kind of jewelry is appropriate or which blouse is flattering, the husband sticks with what he knows. And he ends up buying a gift that seems perfect to him — and perfectly awful to her.

The fundamental difficulty seems to be this: A man mistakes what would please him for what he thinks will please her. Put another way, because he knows it would please him, he thinks it ought to please her as well.

The remedy is remarkably simple. Communicate and tell your spouse, in no uncertain terms, what would please you. We suspect he'd love to have it spelled out so he can spend less time fishing for ideas — and more time finding something he is sure will make you happy. Okay, it isn't as romantic as being surprised by the perfect gift, but it's no secret that the typical guy's intuition isn't fine-tuned to the typical woman's emotional makeup.

Give him a fighting chance (in other words, a shopping list) and he might just wow you.

P.S. Hey men: Presentation is everything. Ditch the funny pages and use gift wrap or a gift bag with matching tissue paper.

Tom and Caroline MacDonald are family-life directors for the Archdiocese of Mobile, Alabama.