Fathers First

Q

I'm a successful businessman, but I'm not a very successful father. I come home worn out and I don't have much to give to my kids or my spouse. On the other hand, I am a good provider. So shouldn't I concentrate on what I do best and not worry too much about the domestic situation, which my wife has well in hand?

A

More often than not a man comes in for counseling not because of career concerns, but because he feels he's failing his wife, his kids or both. The kids are out of control, the wife has had it up to here. Distracted by these concerns, he loses his sharpness at work and grows ambivalent about how much he can commit to with all those competing loyalties at home.

How successful should we expect to be in the natural world? When the devil provided Christ with his first temptation of turning stones into bread in the desert (Matthew 4:3) you get the impression that the devil is saying: “Enough of the fasting, already. You've got the power to turn stones into bread. Do it.” But Christ declined, reminding him that we do not live by bread alone. There is a higher calling.

When the apostles are debating who among them is the greatest (Mark 9:30-37), Christ, after telling them that he is to be handed over and killed soon, helps them understand that, to be first in the Kingdom of God, one must be last and the servant of all.

Is the Church telling us that we need not be at all concerned with success in this life? I don't think so. We best not neglect our gifts, as is evident from the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30). On the other hand, as the first desert temptation clearly demonstrates, there are more important things than making one's way in the world. There are, actually, heavenly things to concern us — and they take priority.

Caring for children, for example, seems to be a very big deal to Christ. It is the example he gives of being first and of encountering him and the Father. This is his example of clarifying what it means to be important and successful — serving our children and taking care of them.

Given that perspective, obviously Christ wants us to succeed as parents. I believe that Christ wants it both ways in both spheres. He wants us to do well on the natural, human, level — and he wants us to do well on the supernatural and spiritual realm. But doing well in the world will never be as high a calling as doing well in the supernatural world. And it's the Church's job to constantly remind us of that while the Church itself is continually doing fantastic things on the natural level and is one of the great leaders serving humanity. It's just not as important as the higher world.

Parenting might be where the natural and supernatural intersect. Taking care of kids is a way of encountering Christ and God.

Obviously your wife does some things better than you. And she might even have more ease and satisfaction in parenting than you do. But there's no better person to father your children than you, their father.

Art Bennett is director of Alpha Omega Clinic and Consultation Services in Vienna, Virginia, and Bethesda, Maryland.

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