As a single Catholic, I’m interested in these responses. I would charge the singles who lament these things that it’s not up to the Church, it’s up to you. If you lament the lack of activities in the parish for singles, go start a group.  Start Theology on Tap.  Start a Bible study. The activities of the parish are going to naturally be filled with families - if that’s hard for us to witness, making us painfully aware of our single status, that’s another cross and chance to grow in virtue. It’s also a chance to hang out with babies and show guys/girls around you that you know how to be a good baby-holder.
I wonder how many of the complaints from singles stem more from a lack of confidence in themselves. It’s not easy to be a confident single in a world that tells you 1)you’re crazy for being chaste or 2) you’re crazy for being single. But it’s possible. And it’s what the Church needs.
No married woman can say these things (you’d be insensitive) - but I can.
Singles need to pray to 1) be content with the state of life God has given them at that very moment, 2) to be open to what He may be calling to them next, and 3) have the courage to do what they need to for that next step.

I’ll dive into this one ... As a single person it actually bothers me when I hear complaints that “the Church” doesn’t do enough for single people although I certainly understand where the sentiment comes from.  I think the real issue is the breakdown of our understanding and practice of community life. I think most single people struggle in finding a “community” that they can really sink their roots into and be supported by.  We end up wandering from young adult group to young adult group which often change and break apart as members leave to get married or move away.  I am an “Aunt” to a bunch of the most delightful kids on the planet but they all live too far away for me to drop in or pick up for a fun night out.  So…here is my suggestion but it is for you married folks. (the domestic church as it is!)  Find and adopt a single person.  Make them part of your family life.  We want someplace to go and hang out on Friday night that feels like home and not just another opportunity to “get out there” in the hopes of finally meeting someone who will help us to join your club.  :)

For the four years I spent single and living alone after college, I relied on the young adult group at my parish.  We were close to a major university in a major city, and so we were generally a pretty big and active group. We had regular Sunday dinners in the rectory, brunches after mass every Sunday, weekly sung Vespers in Latin followed by dinner, special events, holiday parties, movie nights, and other get togethers.  I didn’t find that the group of people changed very much over those years.  I don’t know what it’s like in other young adult groups, but this gives an idea of what it can be.  I would have been desperately lonely without this group.

I want to mention that there were two older people, a man and a single woman, who helped with the Vespers and often came to brunch and dinner. They were a very big part of the group even though they weren’t young adults.

Our parish has many activities for children and families. Yet we also have three organizations for men and three for women. In addition, several secular orders make their home in our parish. And we also have an active roster of speakers on a variety of topics of interest to all adult Catholics. These give single people a wide range of opportunities to socialize and gather with spiritually like-minded folks, yet without the emphasis on children, family,or dating.

Being single in the Church can be a great time in your life, you have flexibility, can go to World Youth Day, March for Life, go to mass, then dinner with friends, its all about what you make of it.  Now that Im married with four children, I need the Church more than ever and have precious little time to serve.  Singles get involved, have fun, pray, because soon it will be diapers, mortgages, dentist appointments.

God bless you all.

What a great idea Simcha! When I moved to ATL there was an awesome YAM and a really well organized inter-parish sports league. I don’t know if other cities offer these kinds of things, but the single people were active in bible studies and Theology on Tap and Mustard Seed ministries. I wonder if some of the smaller diocese and parishes could draw ideas from some of the larger ones in order to get some needs met.

Funny! Where I live in NJ there are only men’s groups and women’s group. No family or couple’s groups.
What ever we attend we are the only family present; taking leaves with the confirmation kids, watching The Catholicism series in the church basement, attending Mon night adoration or Wed bible study. Everyone where ever we go comes alone. With no family members on either side we would love to adopt single people! Julia, any suggestions on how to find them. I see them at mass but it’s hard to run after strangers at church. At Holidays we invite anyone we can to join us. Wish we could do more for singles!

My biggest complaint is the segregation. Married people never invite single people to visit with them unless it is to babysit. I invite married people to my functions, parties, etc. and they always decline: usually saying something like , “oh my wild days are over.” (When did brunch become wild? Just wondering. You can bring your kids, I invited them too!) I personally dislike the young adult groups, I find them artificial and boring-where are old people with their wisdom? Where are the children with their antics? Why do I have to be regulated to a group of drifters?

Also, I dislike the assumption that I have excess time on my hands. I work 40 hours a week. I volunteer, I tutor, I try and keep my house in order (which is really hard when you are never home), I mow the lawn, try to have a garden (poor neglected garden), I grocery shop, pay the bills, spend two hours a day communting, take the trash out by myself, cook, and do laundry. I don’t have an extra set of hands to help, but everyone always seems to assume I sit at home and eat bon-bons all the time.

I am so glad you asked!  My parish’s young adult group is comprised mostly of married couples—and I do not go for that reason.  Most of my friends from high school and college are engaged or married, and I would love nothing more than a solid group of Catholic single people with which to study scripture, discuss the Church, and just have fun.  I think that it is good for us to be with people who are in the same stage of life as we are, and living out similar callings from God at this point.  A group of single people can encourage each other in chastity, and in times when they become discouraged about our (possibly temporary) vocation.  This encouragement can form deep bonds of friendship, which single people need in the absence of marriage.  God made us to be social beings, and Aquinas pointed out the importance of strong friendships.

Your post struck a deeper chord with me, as I have recently been diagnosed with a medical condition that renders me infertile.  I love nothing more than to see large, happy families at Mass, but it does make me long for what I cannot have.  Being a single, infertile Catholic woman is difficult—I struggle with wondering whether God wants me to ever marry because I will never be able to have children.  Though this is a unique need, many priests, dioceses, and parishes are unequipped to deal with these kinds of situations.  I wonder how many women like me are out there in the Church, and what kind of ministries would be available to us.

I am not a single person, but something I have noticed is that single-hood is often over-looked as a valid calling or vocation in Catholic blogs and articles.  Everything I read is about preparing teens to discern between marriage and religious life.  But I know a lot of my friends from high school (I’m almost 35) who are unmarried either by choice or by chance, and there is still kind of stigma around being unmarried (at least if they’re not shacking up with someone) and an expectation that they must still be trying to find the right person.

When my young kids (all girls) say that they’re never getting married, I try to affirm them saying, “Well, who knows God might be calling you to be a sister, or God might be calling you to serve as a single.”

And Since You Asked, you kind of confirmed the point about singles having more time.  For married people with small children there is just NO time to volunteer or tutor.  There have been some days when I have 30 minutes of “spare” time and I have to make the decision between eating for the first time in hours/taking a shower for the first time in three or four days/or trying to catch up on a little bit of sleep (and there is only time to do one).  Yes, I have a husband, but he’s away at work most of the day or ferrying the older kids to activities or watching the younger kids while I ferry the older kids to activities or one of us is trying to keep the kids out of the way while the other takes out the garbage or fixes something.  There’s a big difference between only HAVING to take care of yourself and HAVING to take care of four (going on five) small people who are at times completely dependent on you and a spouse (who you lose a lot of time to just from the negotiations of life as a couple).

I’m not saying that one lifestyle is better than the other; it is just very different.

I agree, YA church groups are crucial. When I was in grad school, the parishes around me had no such thing. The senior citizens and parents of teens would just look at my askance every Sunday. Meanwhile my boyfriend’s parish is near a large university and has a thriving young adult/grad student community who go out for brunch after Mass. They were my Catholic support group in school, even though I only saw them once a month.

Parishes need to offer activities geared toward people who work all week - i.e. not a Wednesday 10am Bible study. But we people without little kids as an “in” need to reach out and get involved however we can, even if it’s awkward at first. If I could rewind I would sign up to be a lector for all those senior citizens and middle-aged families.

I’m Lutheran, but I love Simcha, and I think this is one case that church, is church.  Young adult groups are great, but believe it or not some singles are too old for that.  At 37, I feel ancient compared to the fresh out of college kids.

Respect where we are.  I’m trying so hard to make peace with the fact that I might never find the right guy or that even if I find the right guy babies might not come so easily. So don’t tell you are sure I’ll find someone because I’m too great not too.

And like “Since You Asked” said don’t assume I have tons of free time.  I work (usually more than 40 hours a week), I volunteer at the church and outside the church.  Everything in my life has to be taken care of by me. If you married young, understand that being older and single isn’t the same as being fresh out of college and sharing a place with a couple of other girls.

Invite me to things.  Maybe you feel like I won’t enjoy your cookout with toddlers and couples, but I would.  Plus, pretty much all my friends are married people with kids.

Some of us get prickly about the idea of being “fixed” up, but honestly if you know someone who I don’t know that might make a good husband, I wouldn’t find you invited him to the cookout too and gave me a heads up that he’s single.

Look at your Parish Activities, do all fellowship activities assume at all adults are part of a couple?  I don’t mean things especially for couples, but other things for adults where you assume the unit of social organization is the couple.

I, luckily, live in a major city where there are tons of ministries created explicitly for and by single young-adult Catholics. All the same—I still feel a lack.  I think one thing the Church—pastors especially—can do is talk about the single vocation more (whether transitional or permanent): what it means to live a full and fulfilled life as a single person, how to deal with loneliness, what virtues to cultivate and what vices to look out for.  And by that I emphatically don’t mean talking about chastity. In my town, we all know about Theology of the Body, we all try to live chaste lives, and—yes, indeed, we all have those struggles. But what about the other vices we might be blind to—selfishness (“I’m not being selfish. I’m alone. There is only me that I have to look out for.”), consumerism, sloth, non-sexual indulgence (alcohol, food, etc.). I see these struggles, and discuss them with friends, but I would love to see more support and discussion among the clergy and publicly among peers.

Come on.  Its time for you to wake up, get off facebook, put your texting thumbs in your pocket, turn off the porn PC tube and remember that you have an opportunity to be so close to God and your church. Nyou have no distractions yet.  Remember Jesus was single 33 years old and still living with his mother. He touched the world and had to try anf find a minute of peace and quiet whenever he could.  For all you single catholics out there now is the time to lead your generation back to our Catholic beliefs and Christian standards of morals in America.  Come on there are only 458 Americans making all the stupid laws/rules we are starting to hate. So get out there and be a leader with love smiles and your strong strong faith. We need you on our side not looking for sex/video/ and the madonas of te world

@Barbara: But that is just it, I suppose I wasn’t very clear. I am a very busy person, sometimes I don’t get a shower either and I don’t get as much sleep as I should because I am trying to complete everything I need to do after work. But the general community always seems to think that I am the one to drop more responsibilities on. Just as you have responsiblities to your children, I can’t just drop volunteer activities to take care of myself, because people are dependent on me.

@Since You Asked - I don’t like to bring my younger kids around childless people - my kids are simply not consistently well behaved.    I just assume (rightly or wrongly) that single people have no idea what a terror even the most well behaved child can be.    And brunch just *sounds* fancy.    Like there’ll be Waterford around for my little boys to smash (accidentally, of course).  I’d be much more likely to bring my kids to a barbecue where there was a promise of a slip and slide or a bounce house.
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On the other hand, the only single people I’ve ever asked to watch my kids have been teenagers whom I intended to pay.  I cannot imagine asking an adult who’s never had kids to watch my banshees, so it’s pretty clear to me that you run in very different circles.    In that vein, my answer may not give you any insight whatsoever into why the marrieds w/kids are turning you down.

Single parishioners should consider teaching or helping out in Religious Ed classes - for little kids or teens.  Most programs are DYING for catechists, hall monitors, craft/centering help, or help with retreats, community service requirements, meals/snacks, or probably a dozen other things that I can’t think of right now.  Some teens would love the example of a YA single in their midst.  All you have to do is be confirmed, practice the faith, and fill out and pass a CORI, (criminal record check).  You would be SO appreciated, and probably learn something in the process!

Barbara C. you just did the very thing I suspect “Since You Asked” is talking about with time.  It drives me crazy because it’s usually being said to me as an explanation of why *I* should take on every task needed to make the church and community run.  So, no I don’t have an infinite amount of time.  I’m already doing lots of those things. I also am the one picking up the slack at work because someone else has had to take time off because of their kid.  Also, unless your husband does nothing for your household that is not just for the kids, I have to do the stuff he does too.

You think it’s hard being single?  Be a single parent in the Catholic Church!  As a single parent for nine years, I received a great deal of support from priests over the years but not much in the way of parish support.  Of course, participation in most parish activities was out of the question.  Working full time and raising two children on my own did not allow for more than marginal participation in anything extra.  I did manage to attend Mass daily.  That certainly would have been surprising to the many seniors and married ladies who gave me the once over week after week with “that look.”  Geesh.  No one knew what circumstances had left me in such an unenviable state—except the priests, who overflowed with compassion and brotherly love.  I’ve been married for several years now, and hallelujah! am not treated like a pariah anymore, and always am praying for the single parents who care enough about their children to raise them Catholic. So what would have helped?  A smile.  A prayer.  A “nice to see you.”

@Eileen—Granted not all childless single people like kids, but some of us do. We grew in families with sibling and cousins.  I paid for my first car and part of graduate school by babysitting.  Some of us are dying for our own families, but it seems like its not going to happen.

Maybe brunch sounds fancy to your, but I never eat any where with Waterford and when I suggest a meal out to my friends with kids, I’ve picked a kid friendly place like a family restaurant or a pancake place.  I’d invite them to my place, but my little apartment isn’t very kid friendly.  Not because I have fancy stuff, but since I don’t have lots of space it’s crowded, I have no toys, and it’s not childproofed.

@Since you asked….
Careful wording here.  I do not work outside the home, but do most or all of the other things you mention.  Sometimes it’s hard to understand a single person because if the job doesn’t get done, you can just leave it til later, moms have so many demands right now.

I know as a mom of chaos, inviting a single person over ( would be awesome!) But also feel like we were inviting someone to the museum of craziness.  We’d love to go to a single person’s house too ...but I know I’d fear the mess we’d make, or needing to bring extra things for our needs…..??  and yes, there is always extra hands to help, but also extra hands to make continuous messes. 

Hope this wasn’t too selfish of a post ...just explaing a little….

Thank you for this post, Simcha!  I have been wondering about this for a long time.  There are also many programs and activities in our parish for couples, families and children but until now the main activities for single people is to assist in programs designed for others.  It is reflective of the role that I already have with my family.  I was the one who took care of our aging parents.  Now, I look after my nephews during the day since I am the one who works from home.  At the end of the day, I usually listen to their parents complain about what a tough day they had at work but I hardly get a chance to share what happened to my day.  I am truly grateful for all the opportunities to serve.  But there are days that I become somewhat resentful.  It is hard to admit that there are moments when I start to be afraid of growing old alone. I am a bit lost on how I can be in a “community” at my parish.  I share this because it may be helpful in designing formation programs for single people.

I would like to second the wish that there was more talk about a single vocation, either temporary or—as some have found themselves in—lifelong.  ***Particularly when the Church asks those who are same-sex attracted to contemplate a life of chastity and celibacy.***

As someone who knows quite a few people who are in their 40’s and still single, and/or SSA, I think that there ought to be more talk about this.

@Kate - Oh, I know many single people like kids.  I have single friends and relatives perfectly comfortable coming to my home.  We are *that house* where everyone is welcome.  I have not entertained less than 60 people for Christmas since, well, ever.    I’m not allergic to single people.  The kind of single people our laidback somewhat chaotic selves attract are the kind of people who are naturally drawn to kids.  However, we’ll rarely, if ever, receive a family inclusive invitation from our single (or quite frankly our married) friends and relatives.    Our family is just too big for most people’s homes and budgets.  These days, that’s fine with us anyway as we now have big kids who are built in babysitters for our little ones.  And so much of our time is eaten up doing kid things, it’s wonderful to get out occasionally on a Friday or Saturday evening without any kids at all.

@Kate - Oh, I know many single people like kids.  I have single friends and relatives perfectly comfortable coming to my home.  We are *that house* where everyone is welcome.  I have not entertained less than 60 people for Christmas since, well, ever.    I’m not allergic to single people.  The kind of single people our laidback somewhat chaotic selves attract are the kind of people who are naturally drawn to kids. 
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However, we’ll rarely, if ever, receive a family inclusive invitation from our single (or quite frankly our married) friends and relatives.    Our family is just too big for most folks’ homes and budgets.  These days, that’s fine with us anyway as we now have big kids who are built in babysitters for our little ones.  And so much of our time is eaten up doing kid things, it’s wonderful to get out occasionally on a Friday or Saturday evening without any kids at all.

@Careful Wording: I know that is what you all think, but I wouldn’t invite you if I didn’t want your families company! :-) As Kate said, many of us come from huge families! I am used to the mess, the noise the chaos, I love it!

@Eileen: I don’t own Waterford (remember, not married = no gift registry). Disposible is the way to go for a laid back bunch gathering. And please don’t assume that because we singles don’t have a family we don’t know what to do with children or have never seen a child (or several children) throw a tantrum. As I mentioned above, we come from families, wonderfully crazy families.

I married at 36 and then went through years of infertility and pregnancy loss and to me both issues just need to be recognized by pastors. Single people who feel that their vocation is marriage & can’t find a spouse just need to be recognized for the cross they carry. To know the Church cares about them. That they are not alone.

But I think no one can just sit back to do nothing about their lack of a spouse or children for that matter. Take the bull by the horns and do what you can as a single person to have a full life- the right spouse will be found if you make your life the best it can be, if that is indeed what God desires for you.

In reading this article and many of the comments, my first reaction is that even the article sounds a little snarky “What do you need?  Specific ministries or groups to support people who aren’t physically needy, but who find themselves alone too often?  More explicit reminders from the pulpit to pray for and care for people whose needs are not obvious?  Or what?” 

I think many of the married women’s comments are entirely missing the point.  Out of curiosity, ladies, for how many hours of “free time” a week would you give up your husband and children, permanently?  Would you trade in the experience of falling in love and getting married for, say, the ability to “put things off that you don’t have time to get done”?  Kelly’s comments about putting away texting, facebook, and computer pornography, as though these are the reasons single people are single, is just offensive, and quite frankly, stupid.  One more question, if being single was so great, why’d you get married in the first place? 

My point is, no one is helping anyone with all the “grass is greener so stop whining” talk.  Married women are just women who used to be single.  “Unwillingly” single women are women who are still looking for their mate, and that unfulfilled desire can’t really be filled with something else.  However, whether married or single we are all meant to be a part of a family.  There are no exceptions to this.  The great thing about the church is that it is our family.  My suggestion is less “singles ministry” and more connecting single people with families.  Become a Godparent, it’s very cool, and you have instant family status.  Single women, remember, married women aren’t the enemy, they’re just women who used to be single.  And married women, instead of trying to make single women feel better by talking down marriage, take a cue, realize that what you have is increasingly rare and sought after, and lighten up.

@Katrina - Oh, I feel your pain.  I don’t think that’s because you’re single.  I suspect you’re being taken for granted for many reasons - your giving personality and air of competence being among them.  I know, because I also cared in my home for my husband’s elder relatives with virtually no assistance from his nine brothers and sisters, even when I asked.  I struggled not to resent them.  I think I’ve gotten past the anger, but the experience has forever changed how I view them. 
@SYA - no Waterford but lots of Red Solo Cups??!!  We’re there!

@Eileen: Red Solo Cups-exactly! :-)

One of the best years as a single in parish life was in France, where I was a part of a multi-age prayer group that met once a week in the house of a 70+ year-old couple. I was the youngest at 23, there were some people in their 30s and 40s, and some elderly people. There was also a young adult group that did fun hikes on the 1st weekend of every month. What I enjoyed was the sense of community and care. I am transitioning from university-driven activities that expect most people will be young adults to a parish life that includes mostly families and old people. I like both categories, and I am happy chatting up octegenarians, but I think it is always hard being the new girl. Will I get to talk to someone at the parish dinner, or will the people just be sitting with their old friends/friends of their children? I think general parish activities can be helpful with loneliness, and I think the important thing is to drop one’s prejudices against people in a different state in life. A married woman who says to herself “That unmarried girl will not like my family,” is being prejudiced. The unmarried woman who says to herself “That married couple will think me boring and immature,” is being prejudiced. Prejudiced as in the literal “pre-judging.” It’s not bigotry, but it is limiting the opportunities for friendship AND for sharing in the fellowship of Christ. If someone invites you over, why not take a chance? Maybe it will be a disaster, or maybe it won’t. My parents used to take us kids over to visit their adult friends, and it was a thrill for us to get to hang out there. We were on our best behavior because we wanted to go back. I think it is rude to decline invitations simply based on the person’s marital status. What would St Paul say, who said there is neither Jew nor Greek? There is neither single nor married?

I am also rather shocked that anyone would prefer teenagers to watch her kids than single adults. I used to be a teenager, and was a good babysitter then, but I am even better now that I am more mature and have actually grown more understanding of kids and their short attention spans.

As a 36 year old single girl, i have some comments.  As of last year, i was one of those people that didn’t think the church had much to offer singles, but that was only an excuse to tell myself.  After attending the Midwest Family Catholic Conference, i was able to meet lots of people, got involved with singing, went to WYD and now attend daily mass and adoration. It is up to that individual to make something happen.  I’m sure every church is different, but there are always families talking to me and taking me in. The more involved you get, the more you be involved in the church.  We are so fortunate in the Wichita Diocese.  We also have Theology on Tap. The only thing i would say that i think needs to be changed is when a parish has a certain speaker talking about a ministry or a certain stewardship, i think they should have more than just married people and family. Single people also need to be involved in speaking from a single point of view.  But for some reason, parishes seem to always get a married couple or a family.  What about a son, daughter, single, nun, etc.  I’ve noticed that in our church, but that is the only change i would make.  Also, if you know someone that is single and you know of a good Catholic girl or boy, do us a favor and help us by introducing us.  I know i would introduce a good babysitter, if you were in search :)  God Bless You All!
Kimberly

What do we singles need?

An end to the snark when it comes to discussions and and end to the inferences as to “why we are still single”, etc.

I am a parish employee, and as such, whenever there is a young adult event at my parish, I have been unable to attend. Why? Because I’m at work in another parish. The things I am able to get involved in at my home parish are limited and I still miss much of the commitment because of paid parish work.

Travel? I’d LOVE to go on pilgrimage or more retreats but I don’t have the money. I’m not complaining; this is my life, it is what it is and if God wants me to go, He will send me in some way. What I DON’T need is for married people to tell me what I should be doing with all of my alleged time and money as a single person.

Money - that’s another thing. Families are tight on money. We all get that. But for some reason people think singles have all sorts of disposable income. Nope, we don’t. So please stop comparing.

And…please stop it with the cracks at our state in life. A couple weeks ago when people were talking about upcoming Valentine’s Day (this was at a church meeting, Pastor present and all) I mentioned that Feb. 14 is the Feast of Sts. Cyril and Methodius and I would be celebrating this feast. The crack from a co-worker was typical:  “That’s just something single people say.” 

Can it be funny? Sure. But hear it too much and it just starts to sting a bit. But pipe up and say such a comment is hurtful and one is told to “grow a thicker skin.” Why should my skin have to be thicker than that of a married person?

All I ask as a single woman who knows she will never be married (or enter religious life - that has been discerned officially), please have a little consideration and respect. We want to be included with your families now and again. We love children - heck, I’m around them all the time at work! Just please don’t look at us or speak about us as if we are some strange kind of being that needs special accommodation. That suggestion does more to alienate us than anything else. I’m not “A Single”. I’m a Catholic woman trying to live out my Vocation to Holiness the same as you but in a different state in life.

See you at Mass!

For all Singles, there is a lovely blog dealing with being single, temporarily or permanently, and how to become more content with the single life: www.seraphicsinglescummings.blogspot.com
Check it out!

I’m in my mid-20’s and live in Bakersfield, CA.  I just want a Bible study that is thorough and deep.  Not a lecture that requires a theology degree to understand.  Not something that seems tailored to a high schooler’s understanding of Catholicism.  Just a real, break-open-the-Bible, mull over His word type of study.  But here’s the real deal-breaker: led by a cleric, or someone who’s got the real theology background.

But this is my biased opinion, learning is what feels spiritually fulfilling to me.

@Corita: Is there such a thing as a temporary single vocation?  I hadn’t heard of one.  Perhaps you mean “chastity”?
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To anyone else, is there such a thing as a vocation to single life?  Would that mean consecrated virginity?

This post is something I have been thinking about for about two years. I am a single person, what do I need from my parish? Here is what I have concluded:

We need to be approached by the priest and other members and encouraged to SERVE the parish. Someone above had mentioned getting involved in RE and catechesis. I think that is an excellent idea! Some single adults don’t need anyone to ask them to get involved, they just do it. However, there are some who would get involved in the life of the parish if only we asked them to.

When you see a single person regularly alone at mass, introduce yourself. Invite them to social events, prayer, and service (e.g. RE, lector, usher, choir, etc.). Ask us, individually and collectively, to get involved, just as your post does.

Where do YOU live? Where I live, things are not so family-centered… at least not YOUNG family centered. Seems like all the active ministries focus very much on teenagers and singles. And specifically, in the “young adult” area, EVERYTHING is about singles.  If you are a 20’s/30’s married person with kids, good luck. You’re not established enough to fit in with the married people, and all the young adult functions are singles-centered. So let me know where you live and maybe we’ll move there…

sometimes singles REALLY dont have time.  i used to work >80 hrs a week.  now that im married with baby, life has slowed down… can volunteer too.  just sayin… depends on the circumstances.

As a single Catholic I find that it isn’t necessarily a lack of activities we are suffering from in our Church but, rather a lack of meaning to our current vocation.  While the Church in and of itself regards singleness as a vocation the Body of Christ at large does not.  Or it regards it as just a temporary state in life and think that we need to either hurry up and get married or stop being in denial we are called to the religious life (which by the way is NOT a default vocation).  I enjoy my single life and attempt to serve the Church the best way I can but frequently, still, feel unfulfilled or ponder whether I am “doing it right.”  It seems that the other vocations have “How to Manuals” rules of their orders or Theology of the Body, which yes applies to all, but mostly toward marriage; which the single vocation lacks.  If anyone else has this figured out, it would be wonderful t hear your insights :)!  God Bless.

I think one of the problems is the “transition” from high school youth group to post high school, and beyond.  There is a “falling off the cliff” stage where we no longer “deal” with the young adults, because we don’t want to mix the over 21s with the over 18s.  News alert!  They are all adults.  In a church setting, the common thread of faith, well taught, will keep people respectful.  The “older” young adults will lead the younger ones into what it means to be an “adult”, something that, seemingly, we leave up to secular society to define.

With regard to singles and marrieds, we are all human, and Christian.  We have some of the same interests and desires to help with our faith. Part of getting together, even with kiddos is to help us better understand each other.  Kiddos, good and bad, help a single person prepare for a possible future.  You know that village everyone was talking about?  It wasn’t the government, it was us!  By getting together, we learn from each other.  One of the problems that I have with our Church today is this angry traditionalist/liberal debate, and we lose sight of everything else, because we practice this segregation from each other based on things like our marital status and how we go about practicing and understanding our faith.   

Where do I come from?  As the father of a soon to be 30 year old, who has gone through the whole “I hope he finds a good Catholic girl” to “I hope he finds a good girl” to “I hope he finds one still breathing” to “I hope he is happy” route, Ican tell you that one of the most difficult things I had to face was a local “non-denominational” church that had a prayer grooup that he was invited to…singles, marrieds, marrieds with kids, it didn’t matter.  There was the Word, community, food, and good times…until he got to the point where they were asking him “so, would you like to come to our church on Sundays?”.  He thought about it, and his main reason for not doing so?  They didn’t have the Eucharist!  So, you may wonder, where was his parish in all this?  They were a 6,000 family strong parish, with a school attached, with all kinds of activities…and no outreach to the new folks in the pews.  Thank the Lord that he is now at a newly built parish that has him participate in things like the Knights (4th Degree), and as an adult volunteer in youth group.  Yet, there is still a sense of “not recgonizing” the people in the pew right next to you…It is something we have to chage, where we have to interact with each other much more than just shaking each others hand at the Sign of Peace.  Pace e Bene…Rev. Mr. Hector

Invite us over, no matter what the house looks like. Be our friends. We like families even though we ourselves are single. We would rather not have a division between people who are married and people who are single.
What Jeff said, more or less.

The church affirms my vocation—single for the Lord in the world.  Very few churches do that.  I know people who have converted because of this one issue.  Other churches kept telling them they had to get married and have children, and pushed them to date others in the church…and they knew they were single for the Lord in the world.  Kudos for the church about not making being single all about dating and mating and procreating.

It is hard for us to understand each other.  I think it is similar to the married women with children vs. the childless.  We are coming from different every day experiences and imagine that those who are on a different track have it so much easier because they don’t have our particular burdens.  Our parish has very little for anyone.  Most of the families are very large, hence the moms are very busy.  Many people in the parish work at Catholic apostolates or commute so I’m sure that being busy is the norm for the unmarried as well.  But there is no “donuts and coffee” after Mass, almost no social events.  Our pastor seems to do his best to keep us and all our kids away, not to damage the precious buildings.  So there is very little opportunity to meet people at the parish.  After Mass, most families are bolting for their vans with children in various stages of meltdown.  I know it may sound self-serving, but perhaps the best way for a single to become “adopted” or included by married couples is to go out of the way to help or at least to make sure people know you like kids.  I don’t think my family has ever been invited to the home of a single person.  Not many could accommodate our 6 kids.  Likewise, our table is supposed to seat 6 and we already have 8 at it.  The idea of having anyone over makes me so stressed I feel sick.  I often wish, though, I had a single friend who could run out with me for a coffee last minute on an evening when I am at my rope’s end and my husband is able to man the fort for a couple of hours.  Yet my roommate (who’s single) from college is the one college friend I don’t keep up with.  We don’t have much to talk about; I try, but there it is.  My sister in law started a young adults group and tried to get my husband and I to come, but we just don’t have the opportunity to get babysitting to do that, and again, what do you talk about?  My world is diapers and tantrums and homeschooling.  Theirs is their job, etc.  I guess part of the answer is for all of us to be less selfish and talk less about ourselves in conversation.  Perhaps more groups with a purpose that both married and singles would be willing to make time for—pro-life, serving the poor, etc.  That would give the opportunity to meet and the common ground to build a relationship on.

I didn’t read the hundred or so comments I scrolled past to get to this comment box, so I won’t feel bad if know one reads this one.  Anyway, as a single Catholic, to me the number one thing I need is a pious liturgy, from the first note of the opening hymn to the last note of the closing hymn.  Second thing:  available Confession.  That is my best understanding of what I need from the Catholic Church.

I’m a young Catholic in a (large!) strange city, 2000 miles from my large family, just graduated from a small Catholic college where I had many close friends. My parish is primarily senior citizens. I am not “single” in that I am in a relationship, but because my bf lives 1000 miles away and is in school, I’m for all practical purposes single. I am getting out and doing things, trying to be involved in the diocesan YA group, but I’m still intensely lonely.

Things the Church (both as an organization and as a group of people) could do:
1) Talk about loneliness. Preach about how to deal with it.
2) Don’t assume we’re just sitting on our bums watching TV, and order us to do the work “because the rest of us don’t have time and would love to.” If you want to inspire us, say wistfully “Oh, I wish I could do XYZ but I don’t have time” and then LEAVE US ALONE to decide for ourselves if we can and should do it.
3) Invite us to things. I’d love to be regularly invited to a family’s home for dinner, for example. Or invited to just come hang out in someone’s home on a regular basis.
4) Give us groups, and groups with a wide variety of activities - don’t either do a) all rock concerts and laser tag; or b) Holy Hours and lectures. (Holy Hours are great, but you don’t get to know other people well through them, and I can do them on my own!)
5) Talk about us and to us. It doesn’t have to be a whole homily

Simcha - I can’t thank you enough for actually asking this question! I’ve felt so invisible, as I’m trying to transition from college life to adult life - and I don’t know how to be a single adult. From growing up in a large family, I’d be perfectly comfortable as a mother - I know how to do that (at least theoretically). But my parents married in college, and so I have no models to look to.

6) Maybe a good format for a parish group would be to have some kind of “adoption” program where families would be invited to “adopt” a young, single person. You’d fill out questions like “How big was your family?” “What activities do you like doing?” and then be matched with an appropriate “host family” who would invite you to things, etc. But also have events where the young people could meet each other.

I realize I’m speaking mostly to the younger singles, but that’s because that’s my experience.

Message to pastors from one who was single for a very VERY long time: Include us in the intercessory prayers now and then.  We pray for vocations to the priesthood and religious life every week at most parishes, and for married people and their families fairly regularly on certain feasts.  Do you know how often I have heard the Prayers of the Faithful include a prayer that single lay people will enter the vocation of marriage and form Christian families?  Once, in three decades of being Catholic.  Would it really be that hard?  I mean, it’s pretty darn important to the wellbeing of the Church, and to human society.

Since I didn’t get married until I was 34, I think I can speak to “what single people really want”.  They want and need community, and they need to learn that their life is just as much about serving as a wife & mother’s - or husband & father’s.  It is a very American idea that single people don’t have a family because he/she isn’t a parent.  European countries would include siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc. as part of their family.  I think this new phenomenon of “single ministries” grows out of people moving away from their families and striking out on their own… and then, who do they hang out with? Other singles who are just as lonely as they are.  Why don’t they meet married people? Because the married people are at home with their kids and rarely do social things with people that they don’t know.  My husband and I have two kids (within two years of marriage) and our single friends are those that we had before we got married.  And we don’t see them as often as we used to because we think a social evening should start at 4pm and end by 8pm.  Our single friends want to have us over for dinner at 6pm - which is lovingly called “the witching hour” but is more properly called “the screaming hour” in our house.  Further, when we do mingle with single people, we have them at our house so that we can put the kids to bed, and then hope that people leave by 10.

I’ll just address brunch too - naptime is at noon, and we get up at about 6am.  A brunch that starts at 11, gives us one hour to eat, socialize and scoot, hoping that the kids don’t sleep in the car and ruin their nap and the rest of the day.  Luckily, we know our friends well enough to be able to tell them that - and so we can schedule breakfast.  But when I was single, an 8am breakfast date was hard to attend, 9 was better.  Now, I try to get the bulk of things done by 11am.

Since I didn’t get married until I was 34, I think I can speak to “what single people really want”.  They want and need community, and they need to learn that their life is just as much about serving as a wife & mother’s - or husband & father’s.  It is a very American idea that single people don’t have a family because he/she isn’t a parent.  European countries would include siblings, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc. as part of their family.  I think this new phenomenon of “single ministries” grows out of people moving away from their families and striking out on their own… and then, who do they hang out with? Other singles who are just as lonely as they are.  Why don’t they meet married people? Because the married people are at home with their kids and rarely do social things with people that they don’t know.  My husband and I have two kids (within two years of marriage) and our single friends are those that we had before we got married.  And we don’t see them as often as we used to because we think a social evening should start at 4pm and end by 8pm.  Our single friends want to have us over for dinner at 6pm - which is lovingly called “the witching hour” but is more properly called “the screaming hour” in our house.  Further, when we do mingle with single people, we have them at our house so that we can put the kids to bed, and then hope that people leave by 10.

I’ll just address brunch too - naptime is at noon, and we get up at about 6am.  A brunch that starts at 11, gives us one hour to eat, socialize and scoot, hoping that the kids don’t sleep in the car and ruin their nap and the rest of the day.  Luckily, we know our friends well enough to be able to tell them that - and so we can schedule breakfast.  But when I was single, an 8am breakfast date was hard to attend, 9 was better.  Now, I try to get the bulk of things donea by 11am.

@Barbara C., @Corita, @Chuck:

Yes, there is a calling to “single life” as a state-in-life but the response to that calling must be grounded in a VOW (i.e. consecrated virginity, certain secular institutes). Otherwise “singleness” is a temporary state, can change at any time, and does not engage the person at his/her *deepest* level. The states of life are about “total self-gift” as we understand, but more precisely, about an *irrevocable* self-gift as we see on the Cross and Mary’s fiat.

In the words of Hans Urs von Balthasar, there is no “third state” of life, no “borderline forms” between consecration and marriage where one otherwise lacks the securing bond of the eternal promise. (A) vow(s) must be made. Why? To have given one’s self away is the fullest expression of freedom - to be the exclusive possession of another. It must be exclusive, permanent, and personal. For this reason, Balthasar says there is no third state. The gift of self must be made to another self, for only another person is capable of receiving such a gift. HUvB says: “If such a ‘third state’ were actually recognized as valid, it would seriously endanger the Christian radicalism of both the Christian married state and the Christian state of election.  It would be more difficult for us to understand what it means to give one’s soul in the Church for God and neighbor so completely and irrevocably that the gift cannot be rescinded.  The ‘yes’ of the marriage vow and the ‘yes’ of the counsels correspond to what God expects man to be in imitation of Jesus Christ, who, on the Cross, gave all he possessed, body and soul, for the Father and the world” (from The Christian State in Life).

Not yet having committed to one of the two states of life does NOT mean that one is an inferior Christian or less a human person. It means that one’s call has not (yet) been further specified by the Lord. Until one is called to make a total gift of self exclusively to A/another (and again, self-gift can only be made to another self), then the person is called to continue being faithful to the vows of the Christian state of life - faithful to one’s Baptismal vows, to be a Confirmed witness, to embody sacrifice for the life for the world - in short, the use the unique gifts endowed to him/her in order to love the people God puts in his/her path.

In the meantime, ever read this?

Be Satisfied With Me
Author Unknown

Every person longs to give himself completely to someone,
to have a deep and committed soul relationship with another,
to be loved thoroughly, exclusively, and unconditionally.
But God says:
No, not until you are satisfied, filled, and content with being loved by Me alone,
with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me alone.
I love you, my child.
Until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with one another as you desire to be until you are united with Me,
exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desires or (be)longings.
I want you to stop planning and to stop wishing
and to allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exists
- one that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You must keep your eyes on me.
Keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM.
Keep listening to the things I want to tell you.
Keep learning the things that I want to teach you.
You must be patient. Just wait. That’s all.
Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry.
Don’t look around at the things that others have that I have given them.
Don’t look at the things you think you want.
Just keep looking to Me, or
you’ll miss what I want to show you.
You’ll miss what I want to give you.
And then, when you are ready,
I will surprise you with a love more beautiful than you could ever dream.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready,
you will never be able to experience the great love that is waiting for you.
I am working even at this very moment to have both of you ready at the same time…
Until you are both satisfied with Me alone and the life I’ve prepared for you,
you will never be able to experience the love
that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love.
Dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me and
to enjoy concretely the everlasting union
of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly and eternally.
I am God.
Believe Me and be satisfied.

@Barbara C., @Corita, @Chuck:

Yes, there is a calling to “single life” as a state-in-life but the response to that calling must be grounded in a VOW (i.e. consecrated virginity, certain secular institutes). Otherwise “singleness” is a temporary state, can change at any time, and does not engage the person at his/her *deepest* level. The states of life are about “total self-gift” as we understand, but more precisely, about an *irrevocable* self-gift as we see on the Cross and Mary’s fiat.

In the words of Hans Urs von Balthasar, there is no “third state” of life, no “borderline forms” between consecration and marriage where one otherwise lacks the securing bond of the eternal promise. (A) vow(s) must be made. Why? To have given one’s self away is the fullest expression of freedom - to be the exclusive possession of another. It must be exclusive, permanent, and personal. For this reason, Balthasar says there is no third state. The gift of self must be made to another self, for only another person is capable of receiving such a gift. HUvB says: “If such a ‘third state’ were actually recognized as valid, it would seriously endanger the Christian radicalism of both the Christian married state and the Christian state of election.  It would be more difficult for us to understand what it means to give one’s soul in the Church for God and neighbor so completely and irrevocably that the gift cannot be rescinded.  The ‘yes’ of the marriage vow and the ‘yes’ of the counsels correspond to what God expects man to be in imitation of Jesus Christ, who, on the Cross, gave all he possessed, body and soul, for the Father and the world” (from The Christian State in Life).

Not yet having committed to one of the two states of life does NOT mean that one is an inferior Christian or less a human person. It means that one’s call has not (yet) been further specified by the Lord. Until one is called to make a total gift of self exclusively to A/another (and again, self-gift can only be made to another self), then the person is called to continue being faithful to the vows of the Christian state of life - faithful to one’s Baptismal vows, to be a Confirmed witness, to embody sacrifice for the life for the world - in short, the use the unique gifts endowed to him/her in order to love the people God puts in his/her path.

In the meantime, ever read this?  See below:

Be Satisfied With Me
Author Unknown

Every person longs to give himself completely to someone,
to have a deep and committed soul relationship with another,
to be loved thoroughly, exclusively, and unconditionally.
But God says:
No, not until you are satisfied, filled, and content with being loved by Me alone,
with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me alone.
I love you, my child.
Until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with one another as you desire to be until you are united with Me,
exclusive of anyone or anything else,
exclusive of any other desires or (be)longings.
I want you to stop planning and to stop wishing
and to allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan that exists
- one that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the very best. Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You must keep your eyes on me.
Keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things.
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM.
Keep listening to the things I want to tell you.
Keep learning the things that I want to teach you.
You must be patient. Just wait. That’s all.
Don’t be anxious. Don’t worry.
Don’t look around at the things that others have that I have given them.
Don’t look at the things you think you want.
Just keep looking to Me, or
you’ll miss what I want to show you.
You’ll miss what I want to give you.
And then, when you are ready,
I will surprise you with a love more beautiful than you could ever dream.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready,
you will never be able to experience the great love that is waiting for you.
I am working even at this very moment to have both of you ready at the same time…
Until you are both satisfied with Me alone and the life I’ve prepared for you,
you will never be able to experience the love
that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love.
Dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me and
to enjoy concretely the everlasting union
of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly and eternally.
I am God.
Believe Me and be satisfied.

@Barbara C., @Corita, @Chuck, @ Jennifer:

Yes, there is a calling to “single life” as a state-in-life but the response to that calling must be grounded in a VOW (i.e. consecrated virginity, certain secular institutes). Otherwise “singleness” is a temporary state, can change at any time, and does not engage the person at his/her *deepest* level. The states of life are about “total self-gift” as we understand, but more precisely, about an *irrevocable* self-gift as we see on the Cross and Mary’s fiat.

In the words of Hans Urs von Balthasar, there is no “third state” of life, no “borderline forms” between consecration and marriage where one otherwise lacks the securing bond of the eternal promise. (A) vow(s) must be made. Why? To have given one’s self away is the fullest expression of freedom - to be the exclusive possession of another. It must be exclusive, permanent, and personal. For this reason, Balthasar says there is no third state. The gift of self must be made to another self, for only another person is capable of receiving such a gift. HUvB says: “If such a ‘third state’ were actually recognized as valid, it would seriously endanger the Christian radicalism of both the Christian married state and the Christian state of election.  It would be more difficult for us to understand what it means to give one’s soul in the Church for God and neighbor so completely and irrevocably that the gift cannot be rescinded.  The ‘yes’ of the marriage vow and the ‘yes’ of the counsels correspond to what God expects man to be in imitation of Jesus Christ, who, on the Cross, gave all he possessed, body and soul, for the Father and the world” (from The Christian State in Life).

Not yet having committed to one of the two states of life does NOT mean that one is an inferior Christian or less a human person. It means that one’s call has not (yet) been further specified by the Lord. Until one is called to make a total gift of self exclusively to A/another (and again, self-gift can only be made to another self), then the person is called to continue being faithful to the vows of the Christian state of life - faithful to one’s Baptismal vows, to be a Confirmed witness, to embody sacrifice for the life for the world - in short, the use the unique gifts endowed to him/her in order to love the people God puts in his/her path.

In the meantime, ever read “Be Satisfied with Me”? See next post…

@Since you asked…  Well then, we would Love to come over!  And you can come here the following week. ;).  That is really awesome though.  I hope some people near you will take you up on your offer!

I’m 26, single, and in a very rural, practically missionary Catholic state. Our parish does nothing for singles, and I do not feel called to religious life. I do not believe being a consecrated single is my vocation. That being said, I am an active participant in the congregation. I go to mass every Sunday, help with CYO, and go to adoration. However, so much of the Catholic church is family centered. It’d be nice if they would talk directly to us. Sometimes we need evangelization and reminders that we are loved too because many of us aren’t constantly surrounded by faithful Catholics, and when there are little to no prospects of faithful Catholic men to marry, the allure of using contraception, and the despair of being single forever can get to us. I’d like small group studies or a Young Adults group that might sponsor mission trips or dances. We just need something and people to remind us that yes, times are tough, but we are living faithfully, to keep it up, and that we are loved by the church too. Thank you Simcha for asking this question! Let’s hope we’re heard because studies are showing faithful single lay Catholics are growing in numbers, meaning this group is going to need to be ministered to soon in the coming years.

What Jeff and Jennifer said.

The road on which young single people walk has the look and feel of loneliness. I experienced that loneliness- especially at events like Baptisms and baby showers, etc. I wondered if I would even have the joy of staring into my baby’s eyes, have someone to cook for, a reason to get out of bed. It seemed to me that the good men were already married, the rest were commitment-phobics or undesireable, crawling with issues. Until 33, I was single. I was fortunate to discover a retreat program for high school kids- the volunteers for the program were young adults, both in and out of college who took their faith seriously and wanted to pass it on. In 1980, a few single people hit the road in a van, traveled to southern MN to do 25 retreats in 30 days for one diocease. That craziness grew into NET Ministries. The program has produced priests, sisters and strong marriages because it fosters a love for Christ and His Church. These people, married or single, go on to connect with other people in their churches and have children, share prayer, meet for meals, carry each other through sickness and death. In other words, share life.
    Before I was married, while living in an apartment building, I invited other people over for coffee once a week. Nothing formal. I happen to live in a neighborhood where we do invite singles over for meals, have picnics, shovel the sidewalk or babysit for one another. We tend to each others’ needs. Not perfect, but the non-Catholics and former Catholics around us have picked up on the idea of a meal for their friends when babies are born, etc and the care is spreading. One single in our neighborhood joins us for Easter and Thanksgiving every year- open invite. 
  Involving one’s self in a ministry is the means to engage the world, grow in faith, be formed in mature Christianity. I learned great deal about the basics of the faith: enough to fill in someof the holes and hurts I carried from my childhood.
Now I have an imperfect husband, an imperfect marriage and three imperfect children.

I’m one of a big family, and was one of those Catholic girls who assumed I’d meet some wonderful Catholic guy and get married by twenty-one or twenty-two and have a big home-schooled family.  Instead, I watched as one friend after another paired off, then younger siblings, then much younger siblings.  And for some reason, it just never happened for me.

So here I am, in my mid-thirties, still single.  I don’t feel a calling to the religious life.  I have a meaningful job, a job I’m very well suited to—not a high-powered “career”—I’ve never been that sort of woman.  But my job matters.  Still, this isn’t at all what I thought my life would be.

And it seems like what I feel from Catholic married friends and family is thinly veined disdain.  I realize part of this is probably a projection of my own feelings of shame and resentment for ending up alone and childless.  I enjoy spending time with my nearest local brother and sister-in-law and their kids, but I always feel like I can’t say much about my job, or about my own life, because they see any interests or hobbies I might have outside of church to be shallow and selfish since they don’t involve children or spouses.  They also seem to assume I have a tremendous amount of free time to spare, despite working full time and various other commitments.

And at church, yes, they have “women’s” groups that should be for all, but you know what?  The women’s group meets during the week, during the day, with only occasional weekend activities.  What am I supposed to make of that?  I guess if I was a proper Catholic woman, married with children, I would be able to attend.  But I’m not.  And I’m not really a young adult, either.  So yes, I kind of feel like I’m out in the cold.  I’m not sure what the Church can really do about it, I’m not sure what I really expect anyone to do about it.  But I do wish I had people to talk to sometimes.  It’s incredibly hard to keep faith when you’re very alone in a very secular world, and you feel like no one has your back, and even the people you love look down on you for your very loneliness.  It would be nice to have something—maybe even just a well-promoted on-line ministry—addressing the difficulties we face.

1, @ARM, Definitely include singles in the intercessory prayers.  I have been an active participant in mass all my life and I have never heard a prayer for lonely single people who want to get married. 

2, the collapse of marriage in society generally also has a particular impact on faithful catholics.  The social ecosystem that used to support marriage is gone.  If you are a faithful catholic who doesn’t believe in premarital sex, contraception, or marrying outside the church, you are totally on your own.  Singles groups for those 25 and younger don’t meet the needs of a society where people typically don’t get married until age 28, 30, or much later. 

The reality is that a lot of us never will get married, and many more of will never have families of our own because we didn’t cut the corners other people cut to get the process started sooner.  This is a hard truth, a bitterly hard truth, and a heavy cross to bear.  That is not to say that graces can come from it, but I think the institutional church and sadly, a lot of the rank and file laity tends to trivialize and ignore the problems of single people generally, and singles who are too old for “young adults” in particular.

Simcha, hallelujah and thank you !!!  I was praying about this the other day, wondering why there were no single writers on NCR (I could make myself available).

Please don’t dismiss the need for singles ministry as something that singles have to fix (and do) themselves. Or, I say,“Easy for you to say.” directed at those married with families.
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The church is now, and always has been, aimed at marriage and families, so you are used to getting what you need.  By contrast, the church has never been directed at singles because she was unprepared for the effects that even Pope Paul VI predicted in 1968…  that as a result of birth control, societal standards would change and marriage would become less prevalent (even if still very much desired by at least half the singles in the church).
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Here’s what ADULT singles need, and by adult singles… I’m talking about those over age 30… into their 40s… still praying for a loving successful marriage:

1) encouragement – encouragement to live chaste lives while the rest of the world points and laughs at for being backward and prudish.  Quite frankly, when we see the church wagging their fingers at gay couples, but whispering tsk tsk to straight couples who have been living together and allowing them to marry without chastisement - we know you’re not supporting the cause of the chaste single adult.
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2) Fellowship – not only with singles but with families.  Someone already suggested that families and couples should invite singles to dinner. You know, this is important for your kids too. They should be exposed to single adults.  We know we’re going to get questions from kids, “where is your husband” …. But they shouldn’t spend their whole life shocked that some people aren’t married. 
And yes, some single people don’t want to be around kids… but come on Eileen, where the heck would we have acquired waterford crystal????!!  We’ve never had a wedding, remember. No one gives us nice things.  (example: I was holding a brunch for the adult fellowship group at my home… and as we were setting things up one of the married women came into my kitchen and asked for large serving spoons — I looked at her and said, “I don’t have any. I’ve never had a wedding!”
The next week, I went to Crate and Barrel and bought myself some serving spoons – something I never thought to buy myself in 15 years of living on my own!!)
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3) Inclusion – homilies can’t always, 100% of the time be directed at married life. Look at how many people you’re leaving out!! We had a seminarian student come speak at our church and ask for donations.  He concluded with, “Go home and discuss with your spouse how much you’d like to give.” I leaned over to my seatmate (married of course) and said, “Yeah. Cuz EVERYONE has a spouse!”  just a little more thought would supplied the words, “go home and prayerfully consider what you can give.” 
also, once in a while you could offer sign of peace to a single person first… and then to your spouse and children. Single people have to stand there, wring their hands and wait to be acknowledged while families dote on their loved ones… LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR!
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4) SEE US!  We’re there. We’re right next to you.  Sometimes we’re unemployed and guess what, we don’t have trust funds! It’s not easier for a single person to be unemployed, than it is for one person of a couple.  Realize also that single people can go for weeks without human touch… or they might be eating every meal alone. Would it kill you to invite us out to Village Inn with your family after mass?  The whole church should be a community… not just the couples who have kids that go to the same school.
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5) INVITE SINGLE ADULT MEN TO MASS.  Seriously, stop telling me to meet someone at church when you know full well that single men don’t go to church.  You have to bring them! Then introduce us.  It’s not setting up…  it’s just showing single men that there are lovely, devoted women at church.  We should have billboards, “Looking for THE ONE?  Go to MASS!” works for both God and marriage.
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6) PRAY FOR US – pray that we’re not lonely and discouraged.  Support us in trying to live chaste lives.  Pray that we can find the time and money to fly home to visit our parents regularly. Pray that we feel God’s love in our daily lives, in real ways.
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I’ve been single my whole life and I’ve never been a part of parish that had a singles ministry (until my friends and I started our own) You can’t lump 35 year old singles in with 22 year old singles.  And now that I’m 40, I suppose I should be lumped in with the senior citizens of the widow/widower groups!!
Going back, yes my friends and I started an adult fellowship when we were in our mid 30s – and we were quite put off when the 50+ crowd would join us (mostly men – and we didn’t want to be hit on by 50 + year old men. Even 45 year olds turned us off)  So it’s quite clear there is a need for singles ministry at every age.
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Our group tapered off when my friend and I got too busy to maintain it.  (which yes, I concur… single people don’t necessarily have loads of free time.  We work over 40 hours a week, and don’t have someone to split the laundry, cooking, cleaning and grocery shopping with… so it takes us twice as much time to accomplish those things. Not to mention maintaining a car, and friendships… because friends are the only family we have. ) 
But back to my point, no one else would step up and take the reins of the group… and they whimpered when it had to end.  I’d like to get it started again, but I could use some support.
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It would be really nice if the Catholic church could do like my friend’s non-denom church… and they organize groups to do a bible study together…  like a home group. My friend and her husband LOVE their home group and socialize together, attend church together. I really long for that kind of community.

Wow.  Big topic.  I really empathize with so many of the comments.  Ours is such a huge country, that we can easily find ourselves displaced from family, (heh,can’t live with them, can’t live without them).  I’m third generation in my home town, and really took that big “root system” for granted until I moved away.  The parish community IS the logical “watering hole”, to find like-minded Catholic friends…and YES, pastors, if you are listening, please try to break the ice there a bit.  Keep trying!  Warm those cold bodies up. People want to have FUN too.  I bet the wedding Feast of Cana was a fun bash.  I for my part, am going to be on the lookout for singles.  I love Latin America where the toddlers just end up passed out on the floor while Dad is still playing the guitar at midnight.  Yes, here in the U.S. we have huge topics on our plates to contend with, but we could also use some loosening up too.  We get married and think we need to rewrite the book for our new bloodless lives and the “perfect” children we have created.  We become pent up goody goodies who have forgotten how to have fun.
Margy and taco anyone?

Kelly: I think you’re making a very blanketed judgment about Catholic singles - as if most of us are permanent fixtures on our couches who do nothing but text, get on Facebook, watch porn and complain about not being married. The Catholic singles I know are actually fiercely productive people who are contributing to society at large and the cause of the Church. But that doesn’t take away the ache many of them have to find a spouse and have children, which is something that needs to be addressed with tact and compassion.

You’ve actually demonstrated pretty well my biggest concern about how Church communities often deal with single people - with bias and insensitivity. 

Simcha: I’ll tell you what single people within the Church need. They need strong, encouraging relationships with parishioners of all walks of life and to not be relegated to socially awkward, stifled singles groups. They need their biggest struggles in life (chastity and loneliness) to be directly addressed from the pulpit and in small groups.

They need to not be treated with pity or condescension by married couples but accepted and loved as they are. They need to not be thought of as selfish or undesirable or making unwise life choices simply because they aren’t dating someone.

They need to be seen as doing important work and living out their vocation (yes, their general life vocation to love and serve God) as opposed to just waiting for someone to come marry them and validate their existence.

Thank you for bringing this topic up! It’s an area that sincerely needs to be discussed and I’m very grateful to see the dialogue here.

Given the breadth of responses: my answer - a multi-facted approach. Within the singles community you’ve got many distinct groups with their own specific needs (men, women, under 30, over 30, discerning religious/consecrated life, discerning marriage, open to anything). So do a little something.

I can speak for the under-30 women desiring marriage. Here’s what we would like: slightly older (30s+) married men acting as “older brothers” to single guys and promote commitment, marriage and maturity.  For the women: a Catholic yenta. Like other posters have mentioned, have people at the parish create opportunities for us to meet a single guy we might not know.

No one solution is going to fit everyone the best. I like calls for priests to get involved and offer up intentions up for us. Is there a saint or similarly well-known holy person who was always a single adult (but not in an order) that could be studied?

lol…Echale, Anna Lisa!  I agree with the sense that married folks have to have “perfect children”...forget it!  The best way to get your kids to learn how to act around adults…is to have them around adults, not just the relatives.  SInce working with youth is a part of my ministry, I also work with many singles who were in youth group, as well as transplants.  Bringing people into the “fold” if you will, creates friendships and ties.  It also strengthens us as Church. 
As a deacon who also speaks Spanish, I get to see the difference, especially at Mass. We have the Mass in Spanish where the kids are there and listening, and participating, and we have the one in English, with the folks who are in a hurry to get to their “select” (insert sport here) game, and have no time for their parish.  There is a sense of “don’t get too involved with the church” so as not to conflict with the new golden calf of kids sports.  Who loses?  All those great folks who are single, and want to have a caring and loving parish that they can be a part of.  To truly become a parish, our investment from many others needs to be more than one hour a week.  Sadly, the ones that need to see this, won’t, and the ones already involved in lots of things will feel I am talking to them…no, I am not.  We need to invlove so many “semi-participants” so as to build our faith families.  Here in SE Texas, we participate in a great program started in the Archdiocese of San Antonio, the ACTS movement.  Married, single, no matter, it has helped us come together…

Excellent post, thank you.

Those who spoke to having authentic community are spot on.  I can hang out at Theology on Tap with folks my age, and I do.  However, being a part of the church can’t just be the YA group.  I have two examples of good community in my life which allows the church to be home for me.  I hope all singles can experience the same.

1. My Formation Group = 5 concecrated women, 5 deacons or deacons in formation, 8ish young adults, 6ish married couples of varying ages.  We are diverse in our ages, careers, parishes, everything.  We are all learning and deepening our faith together.

2. I have a family that invites me for supper regularly.  It’s awesome.  I get to play with kids, watch parenting in action, get advice on relationships in my life from a familly with the same values.  So yes, please invite us to your homes.

(and whoever said invite single men to church - amen!)

I think it’s important to hear about consecrated virgins within the Church.

This might be lame, but how about a “singles” facebook-type thing, on NCR?

I was single until two years ago at 33 years of age.  I live in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles.  Here’s the thing.  There are a few good things happening.  Yet, the Los Angeles Archdiocese is THE LARGEST diocese in the United States.  It’s just not practical to drive two hours for a Theology on Tap or the like.  Then there is all the fluff stuff.  IF one can find a young adult group in a nearby parish, my experience has shown that it tends to be more just hangin out and gossiping.  Most don’t want to have Adoration, service activities, retreats, attend good, morally acceptable talks on our faith, etc.  I know there are those out there who do but it seems like the minority.  The lack of proper catechesis, faithful to the Teachings of our Holy Mother the Church, has and is severely lacking (in this archdiocese).  I know.  I colored pictures and watched to many film strips.  I was taught Mary was an option, the Eucharist was only a symbol, etc.  I have rarely, if ever heard the Truths of our Faith preached about.  I have yet to here anything from our priests on the scandal of insurance/contraception.  It is by grace alone that I was set apart.  If Jesus had not called me to be close to him, if He had not given me such joy and peace, I wonder where I would be now.  Thank God we have Archbishop Gomez, now.  Still, that’s not going to change much.  There is so much damage that has been done.  At my parish, there is ONE HOUR A WEEK (3:30- 4:30 PM SATURDAY)  WHEN CONFESSION IS AVAILABLE, unless one makes an appointment.  Who makes an appointment for confession?  I’m probably the only one in my parish.  There is NO SATURDAY MORNING MASS because the pastor says there is usually a funeral or wedding one can atttend.  I’m all for celebrating our Faith together but that’s just not practical.  It’s just such a sad state of affairs.  No wonder so many of our young people do not attend Mass.  I can hardly stand going to Mass, myself.  We have music ministers who think Mass is an opportunity to play as in a jazz club, do not use hymns proper to the liturgical seasons, do not use hymns that have anything to do with the Mass readings or feast day, etc.  I am thankful for their contribution but sometimes I would rather have nothing than the above.  Then there are all the people at Mass who blatantly ignore any respect for the God we are worshipping and/or those who wish to enter into prayer.  Old and young alike, chat and talk whenever thy want, wherever.  The Sign of Peace becomes a chance to catch up.  Even our priests talk in church before and after Mass.  For God sakes! We live in SUNNY CALIFORNIA.  Let me say this, young people would feel more welcome and a part of the BODY OF CHRIST if we had better catechesis and clergy who lived the WORD not just read it.  Young people want to be challenged.  Young people want to be expected to live holy lives-even they do not say it.  Our laity need to realize that going to Mass and being in church is not just another thing to do.  The Eucharist is, “the source and summit of our faith.”. We should act like it.  Me included.  I’m still a young adult.  I would so enjoy having support and a group we could be in.  Everyone at our parish just loves our little baby but never stops to wonder if we need help.  Okay, there are two or three.  Our pastor could care less that we could be homeless anytime now.  There is no support with respect to couples using Natural Family Planning.  In fact, if we tell people we want more than 3 or four children, there mouths drop and the wheels start turning about how we should be “responsible” and there are ways to prevent “that”.  Not one person asked if we needed help after our baby was born.  We told our pastor how hard everything was for us.  He just said something like, well, I will.pray for you.  Great.  Prayers are great, really.  Still, that doesn’t help us buy groceries or diapers.  Yes, we have food stamps, etc.  Really, I wonder how people can be so blind and unaffected.  Our pastor gave a homily last Sunday for a special collection.  It was a half hour guilt trip.  “I know we are in tough times but everyone is.  So you know you are better off than those inner city people.”. And on and on.  Never once has there been a collection for the poor of the parish.  There are so many in our parish who are almost homeless or worse.  I am happy to give my widow’s mite and we do.  I just wish we put our faith into action.  Sorry, Simcha, for my rant.  Thank you for letting me do so.  Praying for little Benedicta and you.

Haha, I love when my comments are moderated because they might be spam!

Simcha:
  I am not sure that it is so much about what is ‘offered’ as in activities or groups. I think it is much more of an attitude adjustment.  Our Lord repeatedly says that if you do not love Him MORE than father, mother, brother, sisters, and children than you have no place with Him.  I would love to hear the occasional homily that stresses that family is only of relative or passing importance and not the end-all and be-all that some turn it into.
Matthew

As I read through some of these post I am comforted that I as a single am not alone and think everyone for the most part has raised good and valid points.  If I can address a few of the misnomers it might help clear things up.

1) Singles are insanely busy: while no we do not have to run around chasing toddlers or changing poopy diapers all day as stated above we ofter work between 40-80+ hours a week.  In addition we are involved in not 1 but several types of parish activities and ministires.  All of this is in addition to our regular interests and hobbies.

2) With all of the push of men toward the priesthood (which I wonderful) there seems to be an overwhelming abundance of single women in the Church at large in this day and time. With all of the single men discerning the priesthood it seems there are less and less candidates for good Holy Husbands.  Unfortunately it also seems that many of our brothers in Christ have fallen victim to society in focus of exterior beauty rather than interior beauty.  They are looking for women who remind them of the Proverbs 31 woman but look like Meagan Fox. 

3) We desparately need community!  All of the single women I know love and adore children. I have been blessed abundantly by my relationship with married women in my life.  The more we are able to be around you and your families the more we can accommodate you and your children as guest in our home.  I have learned so much from married womn how to not only embrace my feminine genius but how also to embrace the reality that all women are called to be ‘mother’ not matter their state in life.  Being around married women and their families helps us to prepare for what many of us feel our genuine vocation is, being married.

4) Also mentioned above, introduce us, introduce us, introduce us.  Help a sister or brother in Christ out.  I hear how so many of my friends parents met on blind dates or were set up by friends and family, it seems t b very lacking in today’s society in this day and age.

5) Please encourage us!  It is very difficult to live out a life in Christ contrary to the world by ourselves.  We need you!

In addition to all of the above, I would just like to share, recently in my own prayer life God has convicted my heart that I have been so focused on preparing for a future vocation that I wasn’t doing enough to live out my current vocation.  If the Church could help us findng meaning in our singleness, and not just make us feel “used” to teach their classes and catechised everyone elses children it would be really be helpful.

Recently numbers have come out showing the demographic make up of The Church in America. (CARA, 2008) A little more than half the Church IS married, 53%.  But a staggering 47% of the Church is NOT.  Distinctions are made in the stats showing what kind of unmarried people we single are (never married, divorced, widowed, etc.), but it shows a divide in the Church that could present difficulty in the future.  The married are not replacing themselves as fast as they did in the last century.  And, just as a biological fact, most married people will eventually become single dur to death of a spouse (let alone prevalent divorce)—and most of them will be women.  The hierarchy, our seminaries, and our talking heads need to pull their heads out of the same ‘convenience’ that Simcha mentions, and see the people in the pews AS THEY ARE.  I remember being lectured by our university President to “teach the student in front of you”.  So, preach to the people in front of you, clergy.  Nearly half of us are not married.  All of us were redeemed by the blood of Christ.  We have a share in the kingdom, now and in the future.  Support our lives now, defend our lives with Christ in His kingdom.  Stop ignoring us.  We’re just not dying off as fast as we used to, especially the women.  We are the Churhc’s orphans, and you clergy ask us to call you “Father”?  Start caring about ALL of your children.  Preach to the people in front of you.

Matthew - the family is the end all and be all! I didn’t have this attitude before we got married, but I’ve learned it from my husband.  The family is where the faith is cultivated and where it grows.  It’s where priests and nuns come from.  The Church needs the family and the family needs the Church.  It is not of only relative and passing importance.  Where did all these single people come from anyway?  Most did not come from other single people - they came from families.

I don’t have a whole lot to add, as so many have articulated thoughts similar to my own. Like the other Anonymous and “Since You Asked,” I come from a big Catholic family (the oldest of 7 kids) and I thought I would surely have been married 10 years ago, but it just hasn’t happened.

I’d simply echo that what is difficult about adult single life, Catholic or not, is the assumption that the lack of a spouse and children means the lack of plentiful adult responsibilities or adult difficulties. Because of this, it’s really important for single people to work to maintain friendships, something I often need to remind myself of.

I don’t really expect the institutional Church to do anything more for me as a single Catholic (as though being single somehow affects my Catholicism), than I expect her to do for all Catholics. (Thank God for Mass and the sacraments!)

I read a phrase recently in one of Heather King’s books, that being an aging single woman is “a fairly deep kind of poverty” and I think that this true. It’s all the more true, as someone above said, when you’re poor, or seriously ill (something I’ve had a little taste of recently*), or unemployed or underemployed. Mostly, single people need the same as other people from their fellow Catholics: prayers, friendship, occasional encouragement.

Sorry Harvey, but i agree with Matthew.  I do understand what you are saying Matthew.  So many people do not understand this, but that’s ok.  Let me answer your question Harvey… “Where did all these single people come from anyway??  GOD!  Bottom line! What he is trying to say is God comes before families or anyone for that matter. At least in my opinion, i dont’ think he was trying to say that families were bad, just that God is always first and he created everything, including families!  If i had a choice, and were to stay here on this earth for my family and be selfish or be a martyr for Jesus Christ before family and friends?? I’d for sure choose the latter :) Try not and take offense to families….or singles…we are all equal in God’s eyes.  Its the human in us that causes us to write all this hoopla..LOL

No question that the typical Catholic parish is massive social siberia for singles and Theology on Tap or YA is not about getting married;  it’s about hanging out and protracted adolescence.  Plus there are a lot of people out there, including the not-too-distanct past YA director of a major diocese who insist the Church has no business promoting marriage among its members. 

And totally right:  chaste singles are ridiculed, isolated, lonely and insulted all the time.  It is very frustrating to see people comment here that singles who can’t get married just aren’t trying hard enough or by implication must have something wrong with them. 

And it is not just young men who don’t go to church.  Look for anybody over 20 and under 40 who isn’t married.  Gone.  An entire generation has walked out the door.

(PSA That I meant to include above

*Re: serious illness - I’ve recently found being single a bit more of a burden, as I’ve developed severe and unexplained anemia. Let me tell you, “free time” is no great advantage if it’s spent in bed! If you ever find yourself so tired that you have to battle your way through work and end up coming home at 6 pm and forcing yourself to sit up for an hour (because going to bed at 6 is just unacceptable) and then crawling into bed at 7 pm and later, rinse, repeat, the next day, DON’T be like me and assume it’s because “you’re getting old.” Go to the doctor. /PSA)

Our priests are over-worked.  It is up to us to create our own groups, and they can be wonderful supports for nurturing our faith, making friends, and even finding vocations to marriage or religious life!  In graduate school, I joined a group that another young grad student had already started called Grad Rosary.  The Newman Center provided a venue for us to advertise (bulletin, announcements, etc) and a listserv that we could use to communicate activities (you could always create a group gmail account, which is free and easy to set up).  The group meets on Friday evenings, we take turns hosting a potluck dinner at someone’s house.  After dinner, we gather to pray the rosary, and then we resume socializing.  As people have graduated, members from the group have started similar Young Adult Rosary Groups across the country!  The rosary is a really powerful prayer, and for many, our rosary group has been their first introduction to this prayer.  We have also had many marriages and vocations to religious life, which is really wonderful!  These prayer groups also tend to attract both the single people and the young married people, so it is a great way to expand your circle of friends.  If the rosary isn’t your thing, you could always just gather after mass for Sunday brunch (either hosted at someone’s house or trying a new restaurant in town).  Or, you could turn it into a spiritual reading book club or a Bible study.  It really helps foster your faith life to have good Catholic friends.  I’ve been so blessed in this regard, and it has had a major impact on my life.

I didn’t marry until I was 26 and have now been married almost 17 years.  Here are a couple of random thoughts:

—When you’re single, you think parish activities are all about families.  When you’re married with young children, you think they’re all about families with older children and/or the money to pay babysitters (because those mid-morning weekly ladies’ groups?  Um, what are you supposed to do with your toddlers while adult women sip coffee and discuss Scripture?).  And when your children are older, you look at their increasingly complex schedules and notice how many of the most active parishioners are actually retired grandparents!

—It’s easier to get to know people in the parish if you pick a regular activity/opportunity and join it.  For our family, choir works (most of the time). (And RichardC, if you can sing and like traditional music, join your parish choir, please!  Men are scarce and some of the really good stuff can’t be sung without tenors AND basses).  If I had a single friend who wanted to be more connected in the parish, I’d suggest they consider choir, lectoring, one of the altar-service societies, religious ed., and so on in addition to men’s, women’s, or singles’ groups.  This is not because I think you have more time than me—it’s because I’ve discovered that the more “plugged in” one is to one’s parish, the more it starts to feel like a home away from home.  And it took me years to figure that out.

—The reason married people sometimes act like singles have more time is because once you start having children you give up a ton of *mental* time/space/freedom for anywhere from roughly 12 to 25 to ?? years (and those are approximates—depends on family size, method of schooling chosen, etc.) in addition to actual free time as in time for hobbies, volunteering, and so on.  This is a good thing—yes, it is!—but it does explain why people with children sometimes act like truly free time is a thing of the past.  Before I got married, our pastor had a married couple talk to my then-fiance and me as part of our marriage prep, and I remember her saying that the biggest mystery to her once she started having children (they had four or five at that point) was what she used to do with all her free time.  I didn’t understand what she meant until our third child came along years later!  I’ll repeat: this is not to say single and/or childless people can’t be crazy busy, but somehow it really is different when your mental space is your own.

—If singles want married couples/families to “adopt” them, they need to come over and say “hi!”  When our kids were little I was too busy corralling them at Mass to look around and see a man or woman sitting alone and think “That is a single person.  I should say “hello,” and invite him/her over.”  And now, in the choir, I really can’t see the congregation all that much—and when Mass is over, we have to put some equipment away and pack up our books, so if the singles scoot out the door at the final blessing we’re not going to know who you are, let alone that you’d like some family interaction.

—If you do come over and say “hi,” let us know—eventually—whether you’re embracing the life of single blessedness or discerning a religious vocation or actively seeking a spouse.  Especially if you’re male.  My m-i-l nearly always has a list of single thirty-something Catholic women looking for marriage, but the single Catholic men out there are so coy about whether they’re looking or not.  (Oh, and here’s a hint, gentlemen: if you say up front that you’d like to get married, but all the women in the parish singles group and every other single woman you’ve met just aren’t good-looking enough to attract you—forget it; you’re probably not mature enough for marriage, even if you are pushing 40.)  And don’t be shy about telling us you’re NOT looking for a spouse; we’d rather know before we tell a single friend about you.

Btw, one more comment.  I used to be a lot different than what i am now, but i am living proof that God can change someone.  I am 37 and been single my whole life. I have realized that by putting all your focus on God, the happier you are.  God has gratiously given me the vocation to be a Lay Carmelite.  Its a 6 year formation where I’m from.  Men and woman are invited and not all have a vocation, but i wanted to get this out there in case anyone was ever curious about this.  It has been the biggest blessing in my life!  I can still be married, but trust me, i’ve looked, searched, given up, etc….the only man i ever loved, passed away and i am just so thrilled to have so many options in our Church.  I was 36 and went to World Youth Day in Spain for 3 weeks with a bunch of high schoolers.  Slept on the ground, in rain, walked miles, true pilgrimaged and i was so scared because i was a lot older, but you know what…you put your trust in God and accept his path for you, you can do anything.  First thing is giving your life to God and his will.  YOu have to be open to his will first, then he will show you your true vocation.  It all depends on the person and i feel my calling is just as equal as families.  We choose to be happy..plus, we always want what we can’t have, so let it go, enjoy life, take a pill, and put yourself out there.  God will be there for you :)  Ok, i think im done.  St. Teresa of Avila, pray for us!

MamaBenedikt, don’t lose heart.  L.A. is a huge place but there are some great things happening there.  I try not to focus on practices and customs in the Mass (before and after too)that are not to my personal taste because it leads to sourness.  Focus on that beautiful baby, and as you said, Jesus in the Holy Eucharist.  Archbishop Gomez is a tremendous blessing!  I lived there briefly, and was shocked to find the churches as full as they were.  I met some great women through Opus Dei.  There is a center for women in Westwood, but other activities in other areas as well.  They are warm hearted and welcoming.

The big problem with being single is the struggle against pointlessness, futility, and despair. 

So what if you are free to do anything you choose but with no spouse and no family, you can never have the one thing on this earth that really matters to you. 

Singleness is definitely a form of poverty and oppression, like illness, bereavement, unemployment, homelessness, or material poverty.

I have read many of the comments and Simcha I want to thank you for bringing up a topic that gets such a reaction. Single people need the same thing from the Church that married people need. THE SACRAMENTS. A generous daily and Sunday Mass schedule a reverent liturgy and frequent hours for confession.
I think those things might be easier to find if the local parish were not so busy meeting everyone’s relationship needs. At times I feel like the announcements at the end of Mass are the list of events by the social director on a cruise ship.
What these comments so beautifully illustrate is how much misunderstanding and confusion there is amongst the members of the Church( not the parish itself) as to our responsibilty to our neighbors, and how to live a Christian life. People’s lives are difficult and we need to reach out to each other and lend a helping hand or just a smile and a hello. Whatever is appropriate, regardless of someone’s state in life.

Excellent article, and long overdue. Thank you so much for posting this! Throughout the first half of my 20s I occasionally felt frustrated by the church’s attitude towards singles—or more like, the church’s lack of attention towards singles. I have fortunately found the love of my life since then, but I remain very sympathetic to faithful Catholic friends who occasionally ask, “is being single even a vocation?” Married couples, can you imagine living your life with so little direction from the church, that you would doubt whether your state in life is a call from God?

I love that the church is very supportive of families, and teaching young people the true meaning of marriage. But the fact is that an increasing number of people are not getting married nowadays until their 20s, 30s, 40s or some are staying single permanently. There should be support and direction for them too. Pastors, please quit treating a man or woman’s years as a single person solely as a training ground for the married life. Marriage is a beautiful sacrament. But there are some very frustrated, committed Catholics out there in an extreme rush to find a partner because they feel that being single has no purpose and meaning. It is only their future vocation that will fulfill them. Who can live like that for 10, 20 years or even longer?

Wow - So many great insights!  I am heartened that so many faithful Catholics of all stripes look to our Church for community and sustenance of all sorts.

I just had a great idea, (for me, anyway!)  Start a reading group at the parish, choosing books that are worthwhile and at least not anti-Catholic.  Writers like Ron Hansen could be featured, as well as old standards, (because so much new literature is such trash!)  It could be for men or women, or both, and if the choices were posted ahead of time, people could read ahead/opt in or out.

“I’ll tell you what single people within the Church need. They need strong, encouraging relationships with parishioners of all walks of life and to not be relegated to socially awkward, stifled singles groups. They need their biggest struggles in life (chastity and loneliness) to be directly addressed from the pulpit and in small groups.
They need to not be treated with pity or condescension by married couples but accepted and loved as they are.”

Can I get an “Amen”? Never in my life have a I heard a homily about the single vocation, though I attend mass every Sunday. Yet I spent 27 years of my life single—to put that in even more perspective, probably a third of my life! Faith, you expressed my thoughts exactly.

Moreover, I think many of the sentiments expressed in the comments show just how little the church understands the needs of singles. If singles want ministry from the church, they have to “start a group” themselves? Married women, have you ever read a book about marriage? Have you ever heard a homily on marriage, or attended a conference on marriage? Imagine living your life without all of that support, and without a partner to boot. Please, have a little more compassion. Not everyone has the time to start a group, but we are living in a secular world where it is harder than ever to be holy.

More single men (and single women) would go to church if they thought they could get married there.  It’s not the best reason to go to mass or be part of a parish community, but it is what a lot of people, however mistakenly, are looking for.  We shouldn’t look down on this.  God has mysterious ways of leading us to the sacraments.

Families that open their homes and invite us into their lives - family dinners, birthday parties, game nights, first communions, kids’ dance recitals and baseball games.  NOT so we can necessarily help in some way (babysit, clean, provide meals, etc.) but so we can enjoy family life even if not our own. My idea of marriage and understanding of love has been formed beautifully by such families.

“What Do Single People Need From the Church?”

Classic. 

It’s about what people are going to be given from an organization, not what they are called to do.

AMDG

Being single is miserable, and knowing that all the gorgeous women are taken is no help. Life is becoming futile.

@Centurion, most single people are called to be married, but it’s not happening. There’s a problem here.  It’s something the Catholic community needs to fix, but itself needs to show some leadership.  We are one generation away from a demographic implosion.  And we’re a church where young people walk out the door, mostly forever, as soon as they turn 18.

As as single person who is committed to the single life, but technically no longer in the “young adult” age group, and one who has moved around all her life (the longest I lived in one place is 6 years…) there is a sense of being a bit of a tumble-weed and not really having a place in the parish.  It is hard to make connections. One of my favorite things I receive from my parishioner friends are invitations to potluck suppers or game nights.  Something to get me out of my single-person sized apartment.

Also, I would suggest, just because a person is single and therefore “may have the time” - don’t assume that their gifts are in the usual church-y volunteer positions: O, she is single, therefore must have loads of free-time ... let’s get her to teach CCD, coordinate the parish picnic, or whatever the need may be.  I now work for the Church, but in past jobs, bosses made similar assumptions (as is: she is single, has no kids therefore won’t mind working overtime or being on call 24/7). 

On the flip-side, if as a single person, you are frustrated because your needs are not being met in your parish, it might be the Holy Spirit poking YOU to start a ministry to singles.  Could be something as simple as “let’s go get coffee after Saturday morning Mass ...”

whew - lots of responses. There is a thread of thought behind that everyone is reaching out to the group your NOT in. At my parish there is both an active families ministry and singles ministry, yet I still felt like I was lacking something. It wasn’t until I moved in with a couple of other single girls and realized that it was the community I lacked. You can have a spouse, children, friends, activities, volunteer opportunities, etc, but if you don’t have a community then it will feel lonely and isolated.

Our singles ministry has recently evolved into a book club group with an open “what’s going on” announcements list. So people can send in their own activities and suggestions. This works well, the only problem is that everyone has their own chaotic lives. Also we don’t interact much with those outside the group and with the set age limits we tend to loose older singles.

What do I think the church needs to do for single people? The same thing it needs to do for married people. Remind us that we don’t need to spend 18 hours a day slaving away at whatever job/ministry/activity we are doing. That we should take time to pray, sit in silence and seek God’s will for our lives. That we need to interact with others, even us introverts, and try to establish community bonds. The church should only facilitate (not provide) the activities that help us create the community we so desperately need.

@ Hallucinator… I’m pretty good looking… and in church and still single.
But the fact that your primary criteria is “gorgeous women”... leads me to believe that you’re looking for the wrong things.  If you want gorgeous, go find it… and try not to be disappointed if she’s not wholesome or holy.
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Maybe start looking for faithful, devoted, giving and kind…. and see that pretty goes a long way toward gorgeous once you find a beautiful heart.

May God reward you, Anna Lisa.  You are right on.  I know, about my picking on what goes on at Mass is not going to help me.  I just am so weary.  I only have one hour a week to go to church and be in that type of environment.  I am trying to adjust to motherhood and the style of prayerlife it brings.  Thank you :-)

I am 33, celibate for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, but without a formal way to consecrate my life, due to some disabilities. I am neither married, nor simply unmarried. I am Jesus’. This is a category with relatively few members, and which parishes seem not to know quite what to do with. At various times I have heard musings that it would be good if there was something like a house for devout celibate lay women, many of whom live alone as I do. A natural enough consideration is what happens when a devout but poor person with no close family grows old. A monastery is ideally a humanly merciful arrangement for celibate people, the young and healthy have the good benefit of growing in love by caring for the old and infirm, there is no need to be afraid what will happen if one falls ill, and the elderly sisters grow old in their own home surrounded by those who know and love them, continuing to live a meaningful participation in prayer, social life and whatever work they can participate in.

Wohoo!  A topic that (finally?) relates to me!

OPPORTUNITIES FOR FELLOWSHIP!!!!

From my recent-grad friends in new cities to my fifty-something single friends who didn’t necessarily choose to remain unmarried, one thing comes through loud and clear: single people need more chances to meet, form community, pray with, study with, and have fun with, people in similar situations to their own.  (To be clear, this means that generally, the recent grads and the fifty-somethings need different groups to join!  We just aren’t facing the same issues!)

In my own experience, this almost never happens well in a single parish.  It almost always takes 5- 10 parishes to garner the number of single people needed to sustain a faith-building, fellowship-centered group.  But when it works, these groups and the friendships they foster make being the only 20something at your parish much more bearable: at least you know that on Tuesday, you’ll be drinking and praying with people going through the same issues as you!

(Related need: MONEY to fund such groups!  Especially for younger groups… this is an investment in future faithful Catholics!  Provide retreats for your young adults today, and there will be good leaders for your parish tomorrow!!!)

I’m going to add one more comment here.
In reading the comments to this post… and the comments I get at my personal blog and those I see on other singles blogs (oh yes, it is a genre!! mommy blogs aren’t the only game in town!) I hear from SO MANY WOMEN who are in the their 20s who have NEVER had a date! In their 30s who have either never been on a date or never had a boyfriend!  And I’m not talking about unattractive women (not that it should matter - or need to be said).
So what is going on with our men that there are women out there left undated?!?!?!
Not even asked on a date! How do you explain that?
I think I would have read it somewhere if the last two generations of boys and girls were so unequally balanced that there aren’t enough men to go around! Quick, someone find the stats on that!!
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If that doesn’t concern you… please turn your attention to this blogging community at (in)courage: http://www.incourage.me/2012/02/when-a-comment-breaks-your-heart.html#comments

Here’s a taste:  “….why doesn’t anyone ever validate that being single in your 30s can seriously break your heart everyday. … I don’ t know if there are others out there like me who dreamed of and planned for nothing more than serving beside a husband serving in ministry, raising a godly family and serving those around us, who are just left heartbroken and disappointed and stuck in a life they never wanted…”
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right there is the heart of the matter.
Don’t tell us how lucky we are to have so much free time, when what it really means is we come home to an empty house EVERY DAY. And wake up in an empty bed EVERY MORNING.
No runny noses to wipe. No stories to read at bedtime with a sweet little kiddo snuggled between your chest and the book.
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And when being single feels exactly like this:
“I beg God for heaven every day. If not that, maybe to come out of His invisibility and give me a tangible hug. If not that, maybe a husband to show me a little glimpse of that love between Christ and his bride.

Maybe I ask for a husband because it’s the only one of those things that seems realistic right now.

And maybe it’s hard because the older I get, the less realistic it seems.

WOW I want God. I want God so bad.” 
(also from the (in)courage link )
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And yes, I identify with that.  After my dad died,  and I could acknowledge the peace he has found… I too have told God I’m ready to go… if He has nothing for me here.
No, we’re not suicidal… but there has to be something here.  That is what singles need from the church.  Something HERE.

What I appreciate about my current parish (a Newman Centre) is the opportunity to get together with devout Catholics my own age and have fun.  There are faith-based and completely secular activities organised for young adults.  Even if it hasn’t resulted in me finding someone to marry, I’m inspired by the young people I’ve met, who simply lead much more wholesome lives and live by much better values than the typical people I’d encounter through school or work.  Good company is just good for the soul; bad company drags it down into the gutter. Much as I would like to think I was impervious to peer pressure, I’ve consciously experienced the influence my friends have on me.  I still hope to find a husband who will have that same influence.  From time to time I still get depressed because I’m single though, and there’s nothing anyone can do about that except hand me a good man.  Why are they so dratted hard to come by?

All I can tell you is that I hate being single.  I don’t want to be single. It causes me grief and anxiety to be single.  I never imagined that I would be pushing 50 and still single.  There is a giant hole in my life where a family should be.  I have a nice job and a house and everything ready but I am still home alone. Sometimes I feel that my life has been on hold for decades and never really started.  I do feel like a space alien at Sunday mass when all the families with children show up.  The one consolation is Eucharistic Adoration and daily mass.  I don’t know where I would be without these.

I would say the first thing we need is a place to go to be with other people, both single and married.  When I get home at night, I have no accountability, no conversation partner, no responsibility, and that can make it easy to be selfish or to have self-pity, whereas, when I hang out with others, I can enjoy myself more and be other centered.

Secondly, we need a stable community to meet and mingle with the opposite sex.  I know there are singles who disagree with this or even consider it insulting, but I want to get married to a good Catholic girl, and I find online dating awkward.

Third, we need regular access to the sacraments.  Thankfully, at my parish, we have confession 7 days a week, mass twice a day, in morning and at evening.

Fourth, we need priests to address us in homilies.  I had a priest in Pennsylvania who spent all his homilies talking in one way or another about living the Gospel in family life.  It was a great way to feel invisible.

Finally, I saw that one of the previous comments said “Now that Im married with four children, I need the Church more than ever and have precious little time to serve.  Singles get involved, have fun, pray, because soon it will be diapers, mortgages, dentist appointments.”  An end to comments like that would be a great start!  Do married Catholics picture singles as a bunch of toothless, cheeto eating, irresponsible people with no bills because we live in our parents basement?  I work many hours every day, attend community and school functions, and can’t share my responsibility with anyone else.  So, yes, I’m quite busy - it’s not all eating cheetos and playing video games for this 20-something male.  Also, since many of us desire children intensely, this kind of attitude can sound more like mockery than anything else.

Every church needs to have a ministry geared toward single people but I know mine doesn’t.  I am single because I am divorced so I may not fall into the same ministry but single none the less and feeling very neglected by the church.  I think this needs to addressed at every parish, I have had to go outside the church to look for these things.

I’m a married woman and I’ve always felt very alone in the church. In any parish I’ve attended since college, there haven’t been any groups besides Parish Council, K or C, and Ladies Guild. No moms groups (not that I’m a mom), no youth groups (besides confirmation classes), nothing for engaged couples (we had to do marriage prep at another parish, which was a joke). When I was single, it was no better. I don’t know if this is just because of where I live (Southern New England) but it seems to me from what I’ve read and seen, that other parts of the country have parishes that are much more fellowship oriented. I wish that people around here were more open with their hearts and homes to those who are on their own, because singles AND even young married couples without babies yet need new friends too.

Oh and another thing. I know often times one has to be the “starter” for things in a parish or any community. But, when you’re the only young person, you wonder if you’ll get any responses to a Theology on Tap or a game night. I still remember how much that hurt to be the only young person (married or not!) at a Mass. Like, where have all the young adults gone???

Interesting that there is nothing for families, nothing for singles, nothing for engaged, nothing for children. It seems that most parishes are lacking in community for everyone, not just the group we happen to be in.

Perhaps it’s not that we don’t have X group or Y group or we need more Z groups. Perhaps it’s that our culture tells us we should be independent and alone, but man was not meant to be alone. We are supposed to find community in once a week meetings and not in actual living interactions with family and friends. We are supposed to be able to go to a once a month “brunch” and feel connected when we need the once a day fights, sacrifices, struggles that are involved with sharing your life with a group of people.

I’m 29 and a rookie priest.  Half of my friends have taken on a vocation and the other half are single.  One of these friends is in his mid-thirties and is a Godfather about 10 times over.  He takes this responsibility very seriously, and witnesses it in a holy manner.  I understand that distance can be a factor in being a Godparent. Nevertheless, a single person in the Church has a unique opportunity to commit himself to the responsibility of Godparenting which has, unfortunately, become a consolation prize for those who did not make the wedding party in many cases.  I ask the married to consider their single friends to be Godparents, and the single Godparents to embrace the roll as a vocation.
This is one among many ways to engage the single (pardon the pun).

I don’t know if this is appropriate for this thread, but I want to throw it out there to some of you ladies who are really looking.    I met my husband just before I turned 29.  I met him in a bar, and I wasn’t even looking - in fact I was dating someone else at the time.  Yes, there are faithful Catholic men at places outside of church.    I’m in the Philly area where many people are at least nominally Catholic, your mileage may vary.    In the mean time, I will keep trying to hook you up, because I love to play matchmaker, though not a single one of my attempts has led to a second date, let alone marriage.  :(

A quick word to Sarah H, who complains that her church’s young adult group is mostly composed of married young adults.

My husband and I are involved in our parish’s young adult group.  The current leadership (young married couples) would love to pass this leadership off to somebody else.

We desperately need you to come, introduce yourself, and stay long enough to attract other singles.  Please come.

I have read so many of the comments from people who are single, and I get a mixed message…sort of.  SOme are actively looking for someone, others get offended if anyone tries to set you up, some are consecrated to the single life without the necessarily being officially “consecrated”.

As a dad of a soon to be 30 year old, single, never married, never fathered a child out of wedlock, never lived with anyone son, the comments from the women who said they were brokenhearted, were looking for a good guy, were especially poignant.  The ones about women who have never had a boyfriend, or a date into their late 20s and 30s, reminded me of my son.  He is not ugly, he is shy.  He doesn’t have all the pick up lines down, because he was too busy getting his master’s degree.  He is an accountant, so he works long hours, but would like to meet a young lady that understands that, and can engage him in intelligent conversation.  He has a house, a great (though long houred) job, and is active in his parish’s youth ministry, and K of C group.

So why is it that nothing has happened?  Is it that the young ladies that are available and waiting are too far away from Houston, Texas?  He tried to get together with one young lady, at least to meet…she never returned his calls. So, he figured that it was a lost cause, and waits for the young lady God has destined him for…

But is that what singles need?  If we try to play latchmaker occasionally, don’t get upset at us…we love our married life.  We also realize however, that at this point in your life, you may like your single life.  No problem, but we need to able to communicate that to each other, without anyone getting offended.  If you want us to play matchmaker, tell us!  We will try.  But regardless, we want you to be part of our lives.  Son #2 is also single, @ 22, but he is my social butterfly, and is not as accomplished educationally as his big brother…no matter.  He participates in his parish life as well, 4th degree Knight, adult volunteer for youth group, eucharistic minister…him, I need to do NO matchmaking for…lol.  But in his “singleness” he still participates, because from a very young age, he was out there with me doing stuff, and talking to the adults…to the point where there is no age gap.  That is another thing we need…the ability to communicate respectfully but not fearfully…communication, communication, communication!

Maybe it’s just me, but I find that the role of godparent is often not taken seriously, ESPECIALLY by the parents. The last baptism I went to, I don’t know the last time the godmother went to church. But but but!!!! She’s the baby’s aunt (the father’s sister), so that’s OK. I was pretty upset that I was not asked, as I am the mother’s best friend, a practicing Catholic, and this baby was the reason why my friend couldn’t be in my wedding (due date so close and he was born the day before I got married).

One of the things that occurred to me shortly after starting to get my head above water with new babies (and post-partum depression, and post-partum anxiety, etc), was how all the conservative types talk about The Family as the cornerstone of society.  It was such an odd thought, because in my observation (in a mostly secular environment, granted) having a family was kind of when people started dropping off the map. We got more selfish because we were just SO BUSY. “Nobody knows what it’s like to be a parent! I am so selfless all day, there’s just nothing left! What about me?”  And the feeling is legitimate, but (after a point) it’s also arse-backwards. 

Once upon a time we were able to organize and routinize our lives and our families just enough that we weren’t chasing the wind all day, everyday. We owe it - to ourselves and everybody - to get our acts together. Our job is threefold: (1) help ourselves and spouses get to heaven, (2) raise some kids who know what’s what, (3) provide the basic building blocks of Catholic lay society.  I feel like, often, we are so influenced by secular visions of marriage and family that we make ourselves too ill-equipped to handle the first two tasks, and so we foist the third onto the singles, giving them a job they haven’t the infrastructure to carry out, and thus preventing them from following their (temporary or permanent) vocation as single people. We deny them the emotional and societal support they need, and we deny them the space to do the actual, crucial tasks that God has assigned them.  And when there’s a forum given for single people to discuss their needs, many of us don’t listen. We just keep talking about how hard it is to have a family, and how little time we have. Who are we talking to, anyway? It’s listening time, people!

We (married people with flaws similar to mine) have really got to shape up.  I recommend going to ourmothersdaughters (dot) blogspot (dot) com and reading the entire Discipline section in the Post Categories (right hand side).  It’s a good kick in the pants with some invaluable tips for escaping the cycle of chaos and insanity that we unintentionally breed in our families.  Then we need to come back here and read all the comments from single people, with pen in hand.

I feel cosmically alone in my vocation as an anchorite; no one around me understands it, many challenge it every day, many tempt me to marry and have children even though I am fifty years old, practically beyond the childbearing years.  Even priests know nothing of my vocation or what I go through to be true to it.  To marry an ordinary man in my eyes would be adultery.  I just want peace and acceptance.  I cannot be another Mother Teresa of Calcutta; I was rejected from their ranks because of disabilities.  No one is my friend, and my family alienates me.  My only hope for happiness is in Heaven.  But I will remain an anchorite to the end of my life, to be true to Jesus, my Beloved.  Then, for all the torture I have to undergo on Earth, I will ascend to the Heaven of Heavens.

SINGLES!!!

GO ON MISSION WITH HEART’S HOME!!!

http://usa.heartshome.org/

To Hector…  your son doesn’t need pick up lines.  I can’t think of any decent woman who was successfully wooed by a pick up line.  He only needs to be able to talk.
Certainly he can identify a suitable woman and talk to her? He doesn’t even have to ask her on a date—to take the pressure off, he can ask her if she wanted to join him for Theology on Tap or something… or go roller blading… join a group for volleyball in the park… anything to get to know someone more.  Then finally asking her on a date won’t be such an obstacle.
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Does he suffer from crippling shyness? or just a lack of self confidence? Is he throwing himself into his work to avoid interacting with humans? How long can an accountant’s work hours be? During tax season, sure… but otherwise… why so many hours that he can’t meet people?  No one wants to date or marry someone who loves work more than he loves his lady.
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One ex-boyfriend had work trips come up whenever it was scheduled for him to meet my parents. Funny how when HE had trips planned, or a relative in town, his work didn’t seem to interfere!
I once hoped to outrank another man’s dogs!! Years later, I heard his dogs had died, and he finally got married!
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Does he show interest in women? He has to ask them out.
I too, have sat around hoping for a second date… and I’ll even call the guy to nudge him along…. then they don’t do anything (that’s the greatest flaw I’ve seen on CatholicMatch.com… the guys sent virtual flowers and smiley faces but never arrange actual dates!!)  Here is the bottom line… men must pursue.  They can do it in simple, subtle, non-scary ways…. but they MUST pursue.
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All the time, people tell me to call him! I have! But if he’s not going to pursue, how hard should I work at him?
I want to be with a man who wants to be with me. I’ve already had my heart broken by the guys who went along as I peddled the relationship. That’s no way to make a man feel like he’s won a prize. that’s how you make a man feel trapped or snared.
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Is it too much to expect men to ask women out? At least help us peddle!
It sounds like your son gave up after one young lady.
Women need men with more fortitude than that.

I take issue with the priest’s comment above, that singles should try godparenting, because that still distracts from appreciating the vocation to single life in itself.  It is self-serving on the priest’s part as well.  See, our priests have nothing to say about single people.  And they don’t speak out much.  When was the last time you heard your parish priest preach about singlehood—in a POSITIVE WAY?  In a way apart from vocations to religious life?  They haven’t got a clue!  When you are just yourself, you are all that God meant for you to be right then and there.  His further graces add marriage, parenthood, and consecration to this fundamentally GOOD thing that you are.  Why can’t our coupled and collared brothers and sisters understand this?  Furthermore, not all singles make good godparents.  Godparenting is parenting.  Not everyone can do it well, and not everyone is called to it.  Can we think of no other role for singles except as accessories to married people?  Come on!  We’ve got to do better than that!

Me again, lol. While not godmother to my friend’s son, I am a godparent to one of my first cousins. I have not been asked to do MUCH for him, besides babysitting when I was in college and lived 20 minutes from their house. Godparents aren’t always given the most clear roles from the parents, so it’s hard to know what to do if it is truly a vocation.

@ Renae…

I think he suffers from a “singlemindedness” when it comes to dating…he doesn’t want to have a lot of women on the line so he tries to focus on one…a big part of that is non-experience in high school or college.  He is a “friend” too many times, since that is the new code for “non datable material”. 

As far as his hours…he is an auditor, so tax season is not the only time he is busy.  9 to 5 is definitely a non-reality for him.

One of the big problems is getting to the “meet someone” stage…his freinds have not been a great help here…no “leads”...lol…and the shyness is a hinderance…he doesn’t want to come across as creepy…

The ideas you have are awesome…but he is a “take a girl out to dinner” sort of guy.  Trust me, I have tried to get him to look past the “oo la la”, and focus on the mellow to start, but he is who he is…he would benefit from a singles group, just to learn and get to the point of doing the “non-threatening” activities that are the icebreakers, or any group that puts activities out there for “meet and greets”...middle child already has the meeting and dating skills down…smh…same parents, different personalities…then again, I wish middle kid was doing better in college…parent’s wishes never end…

Late jumping into this thread, but oh well.  Two thoughts, one for the Church and one for Catholic men:

For the Church: Encourage matchmaking as a vocation, much as is done in Jewish circles, and I don’t mean giving an episcopal nod toward matchmaking web sites.  I mean real-life matchmakers who live in the local community, know single Catholics, and have a gift for proposing matches.  Person-to-person matchmaking is far more dignified (not to mention safer) than Catholic singles sites, on which single Catholics must flounder on their own.

For Catholic men: You’ve sown your wild oats and you’re now in your late-30s or early-40s.  God doesn’t owe you a devout and nubile 20-something who can punch out your babies.  Give serious consideration to the single women in their late-30s or early-40s, who have been waiting a long time for their male peers to get serious.  These women aren’t “chaff” or “leftovers.”  They’re serious Catholic women who would make wonderful Catholic wives, even if their childbearing years are almost (or completely) over.  The purpose of the sacrament of matrimony is sanctity, not posterity, and if you really wanted to populate the land with your mini-mes, then you should have married a 20-something when you were 20-something!

Not that I’m bitter or anything. ;)

Late jumping into this thread, but oh well.  Two thoughts, one for the Church and one for Catholic men:
For the Church: Encourage matchmaking as a vocation, much as is done in Jewish circles, and I don’t mean giving an episcopal nod toward matchmaking web sites.  I mean real-life matchmakers who live in the local community, know single Catholics, and have a gift for proposing matches.  Person-to-person matchmaking is far more dignified (not to mention safer) than Catholic singles sites, on which single Catholics must flounder on their own.
For Catholic men: You’ve sown your wild oats and you’re now in your late-30s or early-40s.  God doesn’t owe you a devout and nubile 20-something who can punch out your babies.  Give serious consideration to the single women in their late-30s or early-40s, who have been waiting a long time for their male peers to get serious.  These women aren’t “chaff” or “leftovers.”  They’re serious Catholic women who would make wonderful Catholic wives, even if their childbearing years are almost (or completely) over.  The purpose of the sacrament of matrimony is sanctity, not posterity, and if you really wanted to populate the land with your mini-mes, then you should have married a 20-something when you were 20-something!
Not that I’m bitter or anything. ;)

Oops, sorry for the double post.  NCReg was experiencing technical difficulty in accepting my comment.

@Hector Maldonado (Oh I hope you read this!) Does your son have any good girl friends (ones in whom he was never interested, romantically) who might talk with him about his approach? Or give him tips on how to better meet ladies? Sometimes hearing it from another girl helps…

And Michelle, BRAVA!

Whoo hoo Michelle!!  You’re so right on both counts.
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The only thing worse than people always asking why I’m not married, (as if I knew the answer?!!) is that now that I’m 40, they’ve stopped asking! And I still look like I’m 30 (sometimes people guess 27!)
All this time we’ve been waiting for men in our age group to grow up, and now that they’re getting there they want younger women.  Bah.

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@ Hector… ah yes, he’s a full monty kind of guy.  Please advise that going all out on a fancy dinner on the first date can sometimes send the creepy message, more than simply socializing to get to know someone.
And I hate to say it…. but stereotypes exist for a reason, and if he’s a shy accountant - and he’s been labeled undateable, a wardrobe makeover may do wonders.  There’s a lot of room between “polo shirts and dockers” and “metro-sexual”.  I know it sounds shallow, but sometimes just showing that one can dress in this decade, opens eyes that have previously been set to “ignore”.

I appreciate that you wrote this, Simcha.  I don’t read the NCR often but I’ve been very put off by the overwhelmingly married-with-children posters that there seem to be.  As a single, older woman, I want to be acknowledged by the Church, the priests, and the married parishioners as a VALID, IMPORTANT part of the Church.  I am not a cradle Catholic.  I entered the Church as an adult.  I loved it until I began to feel the undercurrent of judgment that singles are inferior.  BTW, I am a single mother.  I adopted my child and gave a home to a child who had none.  However, we are not even seen as a “valid” family by the Church.  I’ve had some tell me that I shouldn’t have adopted her into such an “imperfect” family (one in these blogs) yet none who have said this have ever adopted themselves.  I hear that marriage is a “sacrifice” and that singles have all kinds of time and choices.  I want the Church and the married parishioners to know that marriage is a GIFT and that being single is a hardship fraught with difficulties one must face on one’s own, making all decisions on one’s own.  For some reason, people who married fairly young seem to think of all singles as in a perpetual state of adolescence.  I want them to know that we singles actually have homes of our own, children to tend to, full time jobs, illnesses that we need help with, etc.  We often face things alone that our married counterparts let their spouses deal with.  Living a virtuous single life is extremely difficult and lonely.  And we don’t have all the time in the world.  I once had a married friend tell me that at least I only had one child, she has two.  I explained that as a single parent, I take loving care of my child and do everything she does PLUS everything her husband does and I do it without a hug at the beginning or end of the day, without someone reassuring me that I’m parenting well, without the Church praying for me and my family’s well being.  Single means ALONE, especially in this world where connections are becoming fewer and farther between. And those marrieds who say we should start groups of our own, how many groups have you started for marrieds?  Or were the groups and the support for marrieds already there when you joined your parish?  It always amazes me that the only time I am told what a unique role I have in the Church is when some married person wants me to do something for the parish they don’t want to do.  However, none are there to support the loneliness that comes with being single.  I am one who sees the Church deeming me as invisible.  I know that I am not the only one.  Until equal importance is put on a valid, virtuous single life, the Church will be divided.  But thanks again, Simcha, for at least opening up the dialogue.

Simcha asks us to tell her what they can do ...
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But is she actually reading all these posts? In other words, is she really concerned about us? She hasn’t responded to anything yet so I’m just wondering ...

Hey, Michelle, don’t leave out those of us women who are in our 50s and 60s!  Catholic men who have waited need to consider us too.  Many of us are wonderfully aged and have lived interesting, virtuous lives.  There are many single women of all ages out there who have never married.  We may not be able to produce babies any more but God isn’t through with us yet!  And any man who ends up catching us will never be bored to the end of his days!

Wade, she did say that priests and parish administrators will read this.  Might she be passing the buck?  Probably.  I find most married people only pay lip service to truly wanting to get to know the needs of singles.  Probably another reason there is such a great divide - we singles are constantly expected to “understand” the plight of marrieds and help out in all of our free time but marrieds that I know rarely take the time to even acknowledge singles as a viable group.  At least we singles get to read each other’s suggestions, maybe feel a little support when we usually just grin and bear it all silently?

Hi, Wade - sure, I’ve been reading all the comments.  I always do, but I rarely get very involved in the comment box anymore, just because I’m very short on time.  The purpose of this post was to give single people a chance to give us a window into their world, and I very much appreciate it.  Last night my husband and I were talking over some plans to include single people we know in our family life.  Is there something else specific you were hoping I could do?

It’s very interesting to read everyone’s comments.  Everyone has their own experience to be sure.  I’m a kind of young married mommy of six very young children.  I envy single people.  I see them as most likely able to attend daily Mass and Adoration, things I crave for.  In fact, after a decade of marriage, I can’t help but be angry at God.  I don’t see how I can possibly grow in virtue without a deep prayer life, something unattainable for me at this present time.  We are fortunate to live in a very orthodox area, but I’ve found daily Mass goers (when I was able to attend daily Mass) to be rather judgemental and more significantly, very ready to assume the worst of others.  I am a very sensitive person, some of us are by nature and we can’t help it, it’s not a pride thing, and my experience with so called religious people assuming the worst of me and others has made me feel very bitter toward my church community.  I have also experienced other people completely discounting anything I have to say, which makes me never want to share anything of myself again with anyone, even in a church setting.
Despite all that, I would have to agree with everyone who states that community is essential.  Community is very important, especially in encouraging one another in avoiding sin.  I have noticed too in my different experiences with parishes that witnessing other people’s strong faith and good example has influenced me a great deal for good.  I think many good people in lukewarm parishes are suffering stagnation for want of good example of others.  No man is an island and it is good to remember how much we can affect others for good.  We are responsible for one another.
I hope I don’t offend anyone but I can’t help but think every time the “singles” topic is brought up that I wish more single people would take the plunge and become religous.  Our church desperately needs more religious.  God bless!

Simcha, I’m hoping you are going to write a post addressing the concerns all of us singles have presented here.
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I’m hoping you write to encourage all parishioners, all priests and bishops to scour over all of our words, our needs and our aches to start addressing singles of all ages in our Church… our beautiful church!
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Otherwise, why did you ask?
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I was sharing this topic with a friend today, one who was once Catholic and left the church for another Christian church… and she asked me, “Have you thought about finding another church?” meaning, outside of the Catholic Church….  of course my answer is NO!  I believe the Catholic Church is right and true. And I will not quit the church even if the church never bothers to see me, for clearly, I am invisible.
But I can hope that the Church can and will, begin to address the need to reach singles… because there are more of us than there are marrieds. (at least there would be if so many were not compelled to leave because the Church has not embraced them. )
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Be careful, ignoring the single will result in a dwindling church.  If we can’t get the singles married and reproducing…. who will continue the church?
Or do you just assume all your kids will either get married or join religious life?
You know what they say happens when we assume.
Everyone assumed I would be married too.  The world has changed.

Jen, I’ve heard others too blame parents for the poor choice of godparents.  It’s not always the parents’ fault.  My husband and I do not have a good, strong support system of extended family or friends and have always had to resort to godparents who were less than devout.  I’ve felt the godparent requirement to be a burden.  I simply want my baby baptized within two weeks of birth and yet I have to jump through a few hoops in order to have this done.  It’s like holding the sacrament hostage almost.  The ideal of a good godparent is beautiful and I understand the community aspect of it, but how many of us can realistically find good, devout godparents?

Maybe more singles should become religious.  Our Church desperately needs more religious vocations.

Michelle, I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule and I don’t want to offend any guys, but your comments toward the men are well put and fit my own observations.  Catholic men shouldn’t be following the worldly notion that younger is always better and should stop ignoring older, single women who may have even more to offer in a marriage.

Renae’s posts have been excellent and pretty comprehensive.

I would emphasize the difference in being single in your 20s and 30s as opposed to being single in your 40s and older, particularly for women.  For those of us who feel called to marriage, our value as potential mates goes into tandem freefall with our fertility, sad to say.  For those of us who’ve prayed fervently for a spouse and a holy marriage long before hitting 40, being denied such is an especially bitter pill.  Certainly, some women will conceive well into in their 40s without needing assisted reproductive technology (ART, which goes against Church teaching), but the reality is that those numbers are very small.  If you are a man who wants children, with whom are you going to place your chances of fatherhood?  In your 20s and 30s, single women can still have hope for marriage and children, but once you hit 40 and higher - I say this as a 46-year-old - it’s a very painful adjustment from hope to acceptance.

Regarding Renae’s points 4 & 5 in her first comment:  Singles generally are invisible, to the priests and to the parishioners.  (In the secular world, too, we don’t get much respect.)  Another single friend of mine and I were touched, when, at Christmas Mass, our pastor told the congregation that if it looked around, it would see many families, but it would also see people who came alone, and to make them feel welcomed, too.

From comments that Renae reposted from another blog:
“And yes, I identify with that.  After my dad died,  and I could acknowledge the peace he has found… I too have told God I’m ready to go… if He has nothing for me here.
No, we’re not suicidal… but there has to be something here.  That is what singles need from the church.  Something HERE.”

I can identify with that.

I just want to throw this out there.  First of all Hector, I commiserate with you.  My first born is a little introverted.  First born kids often have it rough.  I didn’t help matters by sheltering him to death.  After giving up on homeschooling it seems the die was already cast.  He is a handsome kid who did sports all through high school, but his Friday and Saturday night date was always a book.  By the time he left to college he had filled three book cases with the beloved books he bought with his own savings.  TWO weeks into college, a very pretty girl, from a very broken family targeted him like a heat seeking missile.  After four years of “dating”, both my son and his now fiance graduated with honors (were on the Dean’s list almost all four years).  The problem is that he was half way across the country, and our family had no part in their courtship.  It turns out they had failed in chastity, but as a non Catholic, his fiance had this “covered”.  My husband and I had not made talks on sexual morality with him from an early age a priority because he seemed so naturally virtuous, and it was not a subject we were really comfortable with at the time.  We paid for half of the wedding because this poor “orphan” of a girl had parents with four marriages between them.  A year and a half into their marriage another one of my sons literally walked in on his brother’s wife, in bed, with another man.  It has been nine months, that they have been separated.  All my son cares about is having his wife back.  She has been dating and is now thinking that the single life is not as exciting as she had hoped.  Guess who is waiting for her with longing arms?  As a mother, I am heartbroken for him, and wish I had not been so naive in the way that I brought him up.  I also remember all the sweet innocent girls who came to their wedding, but didn’t have the predatory skills this young woman had mastered.

Jenny, I think that most of the single women that are in the Church are actually single by chance - they don’t actually want to be single.  Going into an order of some kind usually has to be done by the age of 35.  Most of us still hold out hope of finding someone well after that.  If more orders accepted women of older ages, I think there would be many more religious vocations among women.  However, a vocation by definition is a calling.  Many of us are called to family life, whether by God or Church/societal teaching, and we don’t give up on that until later in life, if ever.  I myself would have joined a religious order when I joined the Church if I had not already been too old.  Instead, I found a vocation for myself, that of a mother to a child who had no one.  Maybe more single women would join orders if they could somehow see into the future and see that they would never be married.  But it would still be a second choice rather than a true vocation.

I notice a hint of something in your article, that becomes a blatant and consistent assumption in the comments.  That “single” means young.  If you think it’s hard to be single and 25 or 35 (in which case you can easily get married if you really work at it, especially with online dating), try being single and 50-plus, especially female.  Women over 50 and under 70 are the rejects of the Church and of society.  Past the point of being eligible or attractive enough for marriage, yet too young to merit the respect and care given to the elderly.  Often we are not mothers and everyone gets a carnation on Mother’s Day except we few.  (That’s outright insulting, and since when is Mother’s Day a Catholic Feast.  IMO, it should never be mentioned inside a Catholic church, it is a secular, commercial holiday.) 

My small parish is totally (and I mean TOTALLY, the priest is even irrelevant) controlled and dominated by women over 70 in every single aspect, parish-council, liturgy, music, sacristy, prayer groups, office, etc.  The priest is lucky they let him do Mass and Confession, and that’s about all he does.  Women 50-70 are envied by the Senior Set who see them as a threat to their power over the parish, and also consider them a threat to their marriages or possibilities for it (every few years some old duffer links up with an old lady, but rarely with a middle aged woman). 

50-something women are seen as frumps by younger men and women.  Let’s face it, we are frumpy by that age.  We are also in a category (baby boomers) where we are probably more educated than the older women (few went to college) and better trained in the Faith than the young singles who grew up post V-2.  We have much to offer but we are not merely ignored, but actually reviled.

You don’t think so?  Watch your own reaction to the 55-year old, slightly overweight, just beginning to gray, plainly dressed, woman with glasses in the Communion line.  Do you think of even greeting her in the parish hall or vestibule?  Actually, she is so accustomed to rejection, she probably sneaks out the side door at the end of Mass and straight to her car.  She just gradually has withdrawn, she feels unwanted and is too dignified, not having the spontaneity and hopefulness of youth, to impose herself.

I explored a religious vocation, but found that I was outside the age limitation for many of the traditional orders that I preferred.  I am 40+ and have been single all my life.  It has taken some time to get where I am today, but I am content and happy with my life.  I didn’t start to overcome my anxieties about my state in life until I made time for daily prayer…specifically the rosary.  I teach kids at our parish on the weekends and am in formation with a Third Order of Discalced Carmelites.  I would encourage singles to explore a religious order for laity.  It offers not only education and fellowship, but also community.  I will be sure to say a prayer for all singles that wish to be married.

I always go back to the advice given by St. Paul to widows and single in his letter to the Corinthians - “...for the sake of the widows and those who are not married: it is a good thing for them to stay as they are.”  He said a lot more about this. This is why I feel that single people need “shepherding” on how to go about their journey, because St. Paul said that they are more able to give their undivided attention to the Lord. But the temptations, a-ya-yay! I am perhaps looking for spiritual direction on how to grow in holiness.  I feel that being around people who are in the same situation and are aiming for the same thing would be great help in this journey.  The feeling of isolation began when my friends started to get married.  It became easier for them to hang out with parents of their children’s friends rather than with single people.  I do not resent them for this because they are living out their vocation.  I just want to belong to a community to better live out my vocation and to help me grow in holiness.

I appreciate you taking the time to read, Simcha, and for your concern.
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It’s a two-pronged approach: single people need to look for opportunities to get involved, and the Church needs to be discerning the charisms of others and inviting single people to offer their gifts where they are needed and where there would be a good fit.
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As for what else you can do - I don’t know if there is much you can do. Maybe it’s just the nature of the beast. Family is the center of your life, and that is why most of your articles concern issues related to marriage and child-rearing. When there are group gatherings and most people are married, they talk about ... marriage and kids. Single people feel left out.
I would simply suggest that married people should be socially aware regarding the people who are around them in such gatherings and address the single person and change the topic, at least from time to time (after the conversation inevitably goes back onto family and children). Also, at Church, mothers shouldn’t just gravitate to other members of their mother’s group - they should go up to the devout young man they see every Sunday, introduce themselves, get to know him, and ask if he has thought about a religious vocation. And if he likes kids and the kids warm up to him, they should maybe invite him over for dinner one night.
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I applaud your plans to include single people, but check your motives: if you’re doing so because you feel bad for us and are concerned we may feel “ostracized” and it’s on your heart to deliberately “reach out”, then it will probably not be appreciated. We do not want to be treated like charity cases. If, however, you want to include someone because you think he’s a swell guy and you want to get to know him better and spend time with him, irregardless of his state in life, then I’d certainly be appreciative and take you up on that.

Dear LH, I think you are a hero.  You opened your heart and your home.  You are not invisible, you sheltered Jesus in the distressing disguise of the poor. This is not insignificant.  Believe it or not, even parents of “many” suffer from isolation also. But if we love our Lord, we are never alone.  If our husband works 12 hours a day, or if we have no husband, we can be “smitten with love” and endure with the one who never leaves our side.

“Now that fornication is routine and fertility is considered a preventable disease, marriage and childbearing should be encouraged and supported…”

Huh ? 

It seems to me that if “fornication is routine” it is single people that need as much or more moral and practical support from the Church than married people.  Typical marriage-centric non-thinking from non-singles.

I appreciate you taking the time to read, Simcha, and for your concern.
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It’s a two-pronged approach: single people need to look for opportunities to get involved, and the Church needs to be discerning the charisms of others and inviting single people to offer their gifts where they are needed and where there would be a good fit. The latter is not being done - and if you’re not good at the former, then you’re hooped.
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As for what else you can do - I don’t know if there is much you can do. Maybe it’s just the nature of the beast. Family is the center of your life, and that is why most of your articles concern issues related to marriage and child-rearing. When there are group gatherings and most people are married, they talk about ... marriage and kids. Single people feel left out.
I would simply suggest that married people should be socially aware regarding the people who are around them in such gatherings and address the single person and change the topic, at least from time to time (after the conversation inevitably goes back onto family and children). Also, at Church, mothers shouldn’t just gravitate to other members of their mother’s group - they should go up to the devout young man they see every Sunday, introduce themselves, get to know him, and ask if he has thought about a religious vocation. And if he likes kids and the kids warm up to him, they should maybe invite him over for dinner one night.
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I applaud your plans to include single people, but check your motives: if you’re doing so because you feel bad for us and are concerned we may feel “ostracized” and it’s on your heart to deliberately “reach out”, then it will probably not be appreciated. We do not want to be treated like charity cases. If, however, you want to include someone because you think he’s a swell guy and you want to get to know him better and spend time with him, irregardless of his state in life, then I’d certainly be appreciative and take you up on that.

I appreciate you taking the time to read, Simcha, and for your concern.

It’s a two-pronged approach: single people need to look for opportunities to get involved, and the Church needs to be discerning the charisms of others and inviting single people to offer their gifts where they are needed and where there would be a good fit. The latter is not being done - and if you’re not good at the former, then you’re hooped.

As for what else you can do - I don’t know if there is much you can do. Maybe it’s just the nature of the beast. Family is the center of your life, and that is why most of your articles concern issues related to marriage and child-rearing. When there are group gatherings and most people are married, they talk about ... marriage and kids. Single people feel left out.
I would simply suggest that married people should be socially aware regarding the people who are around them in such gatherings and address the single person and change the topic, at least from time to time (after the conversation inevitably goes back onto family and children). Also, at Church, mothers shouldn’t just gravitate to other members of their mother’s group - they should go up to the devout young man they see every Sunday, introduce themselves, get to know him, and ask if he has thought about a religious vocation. And if he likes kids and the kids warm up to him, they should maybe invite him over for dinner one night.

I applaud your plans to include single people, but check your motives: if you’re doing so because you feel bad for us and are concerned we may feel “ostracized” and it’s on your heart to deliberately “reach out”, then it will probably not be appreciated. We do not want to be treated like charity cases. If, however, you want to include someone because you think he’s a swell guy and you want to get to know him better and spend time with him, irregardless of his state in life, then I’d certainly be appreciative and take you up on that.

@Simcha: I think it would be great in some of your marriage and family blogs to incorporate and help us communicate with the married population the items you have read here.  Perhaps you can convince thr NCR of the need for a “singles” blogger.

@Jenny: the problem is we are not called to he religious life.  The religious life is not a DEFAULT vocation.  As previously stated we feel called to marriage, but due to the prolonged adolescence of the “Catholic” guys….many of us re left single.  The Church needs to not only encourage men to discern being priest but also being Godly Husbands.  We have raised a generation of man-boys.  I believe this has occured because we took men’s jobs away from them as provider and protector when we had the feme-nazi revolution.

I would like to have a female version of Knights of Columbus. There’s Opus Dei too. I’m not sure if there are other organizations. If I ever get destitute I can try to find a convent that will take middle-age women.

I would like to have a female version of Knights of Columbus.

Look.  I am what used to be called “good husband material” in a prior generation.  I have a nice job, a nice house, no bad habits, dress neatly, practicing Catholic.  But I have been rejected over and over again by Catholic women who have priorities other than marriage.  “The most important thing now is to finish my PhD.”  “I have to get my MA.” “I am not sure I want to live in this city.”  “I want to work for a year in Rome.”  Ladies, you should think twice before you turn down and blow off the guy who comes to you in your twenties.  He may not be around later.  And also with respect to these so-called creepy guys in their 30s and 40s:  we’ve not all been partying and watching TV.  It can take a long time in this economy to get established to the point where we can offer a woman a home and support whether she chooses to work outside the home or not.  That used to be called honorable conduct.  Now it just gets us abuse.

@ John Thomas… you strike a chord when you speak of the need to “get established”. 
This has been the sword that men are falling on in my dating life.  The economy has greatly affected all of us, especially the single. (what fun to be upside down on a mortgage, while laid-off and unemployed! male or female)  Why is it okay for a young couple just out of college to get married with no money and no prospects, with the intention that they will build a life together.  But if the couple is 40, the man feels he has to have some bag of riches in order to ask someone to go through life with him? I would love to support and love a man who loves God…. and build a life together.  Who cares if we’re not kids anymore? I’ve been supporting myself all this time… surely I can contribute to a marriage!

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Speaking of which, many people wag their fingers at women with careers, assuming she was more concerned with her career than with marriage, when in reality she was just trying to make a living - whether or not she might marry.
As if we woman should have settled for working at a makeup counter until some man came along to rescue us!  This isn’t Downton Abbey, I had to work to live…. I don’t have a trust fund or an inheritance.
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Yes Yes Yes… how about married families noticing that single people exist. 
When we formed our adult fellowship group, we specified in announcements that all were welcome, but to make arrangements for children… our intention being that we didn’t want to dissolve into conversations about parenting, potty training, and other stuff you can talk about any time. We wanted to have adult conversations about faith, about fellowship.  But you can imagine how many noses were put out of joint over that!!
Later, I heard from married couples, saying they had been interested in the group- but thought they weren’t welcome due the bit about kids. And that Sundays (when we held our events) were about family time, so they couldn’t join us without their kids ... which I appreciate… but then again, singles work 40 hours a week too… and it’s nice to hang out with other humans on Sunday… so just when were we supposed to arrange all this?

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Yes, we should organize our own groups….  not so simple though, is it?

John, I’m not sure if you realize this but you seem to be criticizing women for doing exactly what you have done.  You said you haven’t been partying and watching TV and I assume you’re in your 30s or 40s since you spoke about them and said “we.”  Well, might I suggest that all of these women in their 20s that you are talking about are also getting established.  As a woman in my early 50s, I can tell you that no woman can be guaranteed that there will be “the guy who comes to you in your twenties.”  Therefore, it behooves any woman to make sure she can take care of herself.  If you aren’t in your 20s any more, why not look for women your own age?  If you want children, there are many in the world in need of a good home.  You may have passed by many women in your 20s in order to get established first, as women in their 20s are telling you they are doing.  Yes, it sounds like you are honorable, but so are the women who are building their own future.  I’m sorry you feel you’ve been abused.  Maybe you are just looking toward the wrong population.  Women in their 20s usually want a man in his 20s.  But you might be pleasantly surprised by how smart, funny, interesting, and truly loving women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and beyond can be.

@ John Thomas: No one said that Catholic guys who wait until they are financially ready to consider marriage are “creepy” or deserving of “abuse.” The Catholic guys I’m upset with are those who wait and then want a much-younger woman, both for attraction-value and because she can give this guys six kids. If a guy has to wait, fine. But when he’s ready, then he should be looking first to his female peers of like age who have likewise been waiting (and, speaking of assumptions, not always because she wanted to be a Career Girl first).

While we’re at it, the one thing I most hate hearing from other Catholics is “Clearly you’re not married because God wants you to be single.”  This is not helpful.  It’s really aggravating.  I have no vocation to be single, so don’t offer that advice either.  Also, don’t tell me that it is okay if I have missed my chance to have a family of my own because I can always adopt.  No I can’t adopt, in large part because I have been single for so long.  It’s too late for a family, period, unless God, in his providence, sends extraordinary circumstances.  In the meantime, it’s not an act of charity by anyone to offer dumb and insensitive advice.

It occurs to me, after reading through many of these comments that what single people need most from the Church is something that they are not likely to get in my lifetime. Encouraging service in one or more parish ministries, “adoption” into someone else’s family or any other sort of similar arrangement, in the end amounts to a superficial solution to address what it is that single men and women really lack: a well-developed theology of the single life.

A married man, a priest or a nun has a couple thousand years of commentary to refer to their own state of life. Single people outside of religious consecration are left to wonder whether their own state is a vocation in itself or is intrinsically transitional (while some of the commenters on here have expressed their firm belief in one or the other, I’m afraid I’ve read nothing official that’s anything but ambiguous on this point). What does it mean to be single? How does that life image Christ Who, it must be noted, is both the Bridegroom of the Church and the Second Person of the Trinity and, as such, not so easy to image in abject solitude? What are the pitfalls inherent to the single life that must be avoided? What are the fruits that spring forth from it that need to be cultivated?

Religious and married people, having the benefit of their theology, have direction. In other words, those people can have a clearer idea of what’s expected of them regarding their own state of life irrespective of what type of activity they get involved in. Single people kinda have to make it up as they go along.

If the Church can give us a theology, tell us exactly how it is that our state of life specifically helps advance the Good News and can inject meaning into a life that, at first glance, seems not to reflect any of the marriage imagery that the Church uses to refer to human eschatology, then she will have gone a long way to relieving the tensions felt by those who are single.

Simcha, I have only one more suggestion and I think it proves the need for a SINGLE blogger on NCR.  My suggestion is that, each time you mention someone who is single who might need something from the Church, you don’t refer to them as “unwillingly single.”  Though MANY singles are unwillingly single, many of us have found peace with it and are living happy lives.  Others may have chosen to stay single for a wide variety of reasons.  The point is it doesn’t matter whether we are unwillingly or willingly or unwillingly but happy to be single;  we need to feel support and community within the Church if the Church truly cares about carrying out its mission for all.  Do all marrieds need support only if they were forced into marriage?  Are all of your married readers who want so much for you and the Church to continue to support them “unwilling” marrieds?  Are all mothers miserable and that is why the Church provides so much support for them?  I think not.  The Church and married parishioners understand that even when you are happy and satisfied with your married state you still need support from the Church in this much less than perfect world.  We singles feel the same way.  We are not a crowd of miserable, angry people.  We are just people who are devout in our faith but feel invisible to the Church that represents that faith.  There should be no double standard.

@John Thomas - I’m not sure you’ll even see this post, but I’d really like your answer.  When you say you can’t adopt largely because you’ve been single so long, do you mean you don’t think you could adjust to living with another person?    I’m asking because you would qualify to go the foster/adopt route.  It’s not all hearts and flowers - the kids are broken, and adopting a hurt child is not for everyone, but permanent homes for these kids are desperately needed.    And singles are eligible.    And the dirty secret of the adoption world is that nobody wants boys.    And those boys desperately need a good, morally upstanding father.

@Eilleen.  It’s simple.  I would be in my 70s when the child is in his teens.  That’s not a good combination.  Plus I don’t believe in adopting children just for purposes of personal gratification.  And I would not adopt as a single parent.  Many women feel an intense desire to adopt as single parent.  But adorable young children grow up.  They need both a father and a mother as they get older.  And they need parents who are vigorous and up to the financial responsibilities of parenthood well into their teens and early twenties nowadays. Had I been married and still without children ten years ago, I might have considered adopting.  But now I need to deal with the realities of my own impending old age and find something else to do.

Bravo, by the way, for people in this thread who point out that singleness is not a problem just for people in their 20s.  I think people that age are hardly aware of what it really means to be single for a long time, and they might be more focused on marriage if they understood.  In the meantime, the singles who are really hurting and need help are the singles aged 30, 40, and 50, because there is a lot of us, and we are the ones whose most marriageable years are long behind us, but whose lonely senior years are just close enough to become a source of constant anxiety and dread.

John, I realize that your view of life seems fairly strict, a place for everything and everything in its place.  That alone is a good reason not to have children; just when you think you “know” what is right or needed, they turn your world upside down and cause you to question it.  However, as a single, adoptive parent, I can tell you that there are children out there in need of you if you really want to help to raise a child (NO one does it alone).  Most kids in foster care are older than toddlers.  It might only be 5 or 6 years before they are teens.  I know you feel that children need mothers and fathers.  Well, in this imperfect world, no child is guaranteed that, not even one who starts out having both.  There are many children who have no one and those of us who adopt as single parents (men and women) are particularly conscious of including good role models of both sexes in our children’s lives.  In fact, single-parent, adoptive families often are much less insular than conventional families, giving our children a wider range of people who love and care for them.  If raising a child is not that important to you, then none of what I’ve said matters.  I wish you well either way.

”...you know full well that single men don’t go to church.”-Renae (1:41)

I wonder why that is.

“Unfortunately it also seems that many of our brothers in Christ have fallen victim to society in focus of exterior beauty rather than interior beauty.  They are looking for women who remind them of the Proverbs 31 woman but look like Meagan Fox.”-Jennifer (3:18)

Shocking, isn’t it that God made men that way and he declared His work “very good.”

By the way, the next time you’re in the checkout aisle at the supermarket, Jennifer, just look around you.  Notice the covers of the women’s interest magazines that crowd the aisle.  They attract their nearly-exclusively female buyers with lures that include a focus on exterior beauty.  Female exterior beauty.

I find it humbling to realize that many of our sisters in Christ aren’t looking for the “interior beauty” of our brothers either.

I think that we would be in a very different place today on same-sex pseudo-marriage if the Church and Church community had not already let down two generations of Singles who wanted to get genuinely married the old-fashioned (and sacramental) way.

@ Micha Elyi
”...you know full well that single men don’t go to church.”-Renae (1:41)
I wonder why that is.

—-
Well, I’m not a single man, but I have a few suspicions.
1) Church is so family oriented that they don’t feel included.
2) Men in general don’t embrace the idea of having God in control of their lives. It implies weakness that they can’t do everything on their own.
3) I’ve heard some say that the music is just too feminine and girly (which I don’t exactly get).
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and while I’ve often suggested that men should go to church in order to find a good woman,  men respond that such a concept seems sacrilegious. That it’s wrong to be looking for a woman in God’s house. I wish men would understand that God WANTS men and women to be together… and would delight in orchestrating such a meeting!  I tend to think that maybe they’re viewing the situation from a position of lust rather than a position of love.
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I am a single Catholic and have had my own struggles with the lack of activities, groups, trips, etc. provided to single persons of the parish, particularly the 40-60 crowd.  I went online to check out each parish in our large diocese, and confirmed that 95% of the parishes offered functions to youth, married, and senior citizens. Across the board—these were the 3 groups recognized by the parishes. Some of the parishes offered youth/young adult groups, but unless you fell between the ages of 20 and 30, you could not join.  So now, we have a trend of youth/young adult groups, providing a social outlet for single Catholics, but what about the 40-60 age range.  These folks are TERRIBLY OVERLOOKED!  Moreover, single people need and want to belong to a community of friends that share the same faith, lifestyles, and support—a social bond.  While the suggestions are appreciated, single people are not wanting to just do volunteer work all the time—we want a social life, especially with other like-minded Catholics! I recognize that the single vocation requires my using my time to do the work of God and I fully accept that and believe that is where God wants me.  I am a regular volunteer at the Missionaries of Charity, local food pantries, and a Catholic radio station; HOWEVER, I need that social connection. I don’t know where the courage came from, but my frustration level led me to organize a local group for single Catholics - ages 40-60, the forgotten ones.  While it has been a big success and provided people with a community of Catholic friends, I still believe the Church needs to recognize the single people need to be supported in their parishes.

As a 51 y.o. single woman, never married no kids, what I most long for from my Parish is some Mary time, as in Mary and Martha.  I already have tons of Martha time (34 years) as a volunteer in the parish where I was raised and still live, now down to about 5 hours a week.  I love serving the Church this way.  But my parish leaves me spiritually starving.  I want to sit at the feet of my Lord with other disciples and learn how to better live my Catholic faith in the world.  I want to know more about what the Church teaches than what can be presented in Mass homilies. I want to help my parish move beyond the primary Church mission of providing a safe Catholic education to 300 middle class elementary school children.  The primary source of “adult” faith formation offered is through RCIA; I was a team member for 5 years.  I spent 2 years on the Spiritual Life committee whose purpose was to do 3-4 service projects a year that the director felt were the right things for her to be involved in.  I took expensive grad courses (Catholic) in pastoral studies that have helped me to be a better nurse, but I didn’t complete the program as I couldn’t accept Liberation Theology, dissing Humanae Vitae, women priests or the primacy of the “spirit” of Vatican II.  I go to daily Mass.  I try to pray part of the Liturgy of the Hours daily.  And now once a month I drive 75 miles to a Benedictine Monestary study, pray, and share my Catholic faith with other adults, some single, some not.  I am so grateful to my God for providing me with this opportunity, yet it makes me sad that such activity does not happen at my parish, and the original question here was about what parishes could do for singles.

A few replies:

@Sadie:  Three cheers for you!

@LH:  I think there is a fundamental difference here between men and women.  I feel no compelling urge, vocation, or desire to adopt a child just for the sake of adopting a child.  There are practical reasons why this is not appropriate, and prudential reasons why it is not wise.  Were I married and just a bit younger, and my wife wanted to adopt, that would be a totally different story.  I would have liked to have a family but I don’t and I am not likely to at this point.  Yet there are other ways, perhaps not as fulfilling, that I can direct my paternal energies and influence.

@LH:  I am totally an unwilling single and resent the constant advice that unwilling singles just get used to it.  That may be good advice for individuals in a pastoral sense.  But it is horrifically bad pastoral policy from an institutional perspective when we have so many individuals who remain faithful to Church teaching and did everything right but find themselves left high and dry by a faith community that never once in my life, as other people here have observed, prayed at intercessions for single Catholics seeking to married.

@LH, Michelle, and Renae:  I am not advocating that 40ish single men ignore women their own age.  But 40ish single guys who blunder into singles groups looking for single women to meet aren’t well served when everyone is under 25.  The correct answer is age appropriate singles activities over a range of ages even if this has to be done on a multi parish level at the diocesan level.  And as someone who struggled economically in my 20s, I can attest that I was repeatedly blown off, passed over, and ignored by young women looking for that 30ish lawyer or doctor.  Ironically, today, I am quite well off.  I think young ladies today need to have more tolerance for that young guy who is not as socially accomplished as the slightly older guy.  They should look closely for potential and not just what he has today.  And frankly, if the young men aren’t stepping up, then younger women need to think about older guys provided the age disparity is not completely gross.  In the meantime, mature women need to understand that, in church, most men will not introduce themselves to any single woman of any age outside a designated singles setting.  No matter how much of a “pickup artist” one may pretend to be in secular society, hitting on strange women is not something one does immediately before, during, or after mass. It’s just very awkward to do this in church or in a church setting.  The absence of helpful people to make introductions, the absence of appropriate social functions, the difficulty of walking into a crowd where most women are already married and trying to spot the single ones—it’s all part of a big problem.  The working presumption, perhaps wrong, is that every woman not in the singles group is already married. So ladies, find some way to indicate your availability.  And let’s get back to the most fundamental problem, which is the mass exodus of people between 18 and 40 from the Church, and the failure of the Church to explain and teach why it is important that Catholics should marry other Catholics.

Finally, I think there are number of studies that show that it is marriage and children which help integrate young men back into the Church community as they get older.  But there’s a catch-22.  In today’s society, if they never get married, they never come back.  Part of the answer must be that the church community is a place where marriages happen, even if that is a less than ideal reason to return.

Stop making the mistake that “single” = “young adult”.  We need a singles only ministry: one which caters specifically to single people of ANY age.

@Renae

“once in a while you could offer sign of peace to a single person first… and then to your spouse and children. Single people have to stand there, wring their hands and wait to be acknowledged while families dote on their loved ones… LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR!”

Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying this.  I thought I was the only one who, nearly, burst into tears while standing there with an (unaccepted) out-stretched hand waiting for the families around me finished hugging and kissing.

Thank you for opening this conversation.  Many of the commenters above (Renae, Jennifer, Since You Asked, etc) make very good points that match my own experience. I know for myself, as an “unwillingly” single woman in her late 30’s, that I am moving away from the typical “young adult” groups.  While I live in a diocese with a large and active young adult ministry, I feel that I have grown past that.  I don’t want to spend my weekends going out to the latest party, my weeknights at the bar, or at some lecture so that I can be with other people.  I enjoy all these activities, but in moderation.  I’ve found that I more and more just want a cozy home and the company of a few good friends - and a mixture of ages.  Homogeneous singles groups are kind of boring after a while.  Real life involves kids, parents, elders - not just a bunch of other people in their 20’s and 30’s.

Also, though I now work for the Church, I spent a number of years in the business world.  Though I was friendly with the people at work, I wanted to find people to be with who shared my values.  But how?  Parish young adult groups can help, but who wants to be put in a box?  I think that parishes could really help by having more social events - dances, dinners, etc - for everyone and making a point of inviting singles.

I also agree with those who would like to hear more about the single life from priests.  This is a new thing - that there are so many single people - and I think that many of us are trying to figure out how this life is supposed to work, especially if we didn’t really expect to be here.  And, this should start with a recognition of how difficult it can be to be single - the loneliness, the stress of having to figure out everything by yourself, and for women the pain of watching your childbearing years go by.  In Church we often pray for those experiencing difficulty with miscarriages, infertility, etc., and we should.  But, no one ever recognizes the fact that though I may not be infertile, I still can’t have children either (at least not in a moral way!).  That’s a real pain. (And, I do know that adoption is an option - I admire those who have adopted, but I just don’t feel in a position to do that.)  I’m almost afraid to write this for fear that someone will think I’m pitying myself - really I’m not, but pain is pain and it has to be dealt with.

I’d also like to put in a plug for my friend Emily’s new book: “The Catholic Girl’s Survival Guide to the Single Years.”  It’s insightful and fun and very hopeful.  Emily acknowledges the pain that “unwilling” singleness brings, but also challenges women to grow and become the women God has created them to be now, to see that God is calling them to something now, that life needs to be lived now - it doesn’t start with I do.  I hope that it may help many women “survive” the single years :)

Oh, and I’m the oldest of 7 children and have 9 nieces and nephews (including 3 this year).  I may not have any children of my own, but I know full well what it means to have a house full of kids.  Since I work in Catechesis and have done some work in child development my brother and sister even consult me regarding issues with their children.  Married people do not have to be apologetic towards me for the fact that their house may be noisy or messy or worry if something happens at my house!

@ Elizabeth…
Isn’t that the truth?  On particularly raw days… it can make you feel completely insignificant to the world… when you have to wait those excruciatingly long 40-50 seconds to be acknowledged by what is supposed to be your community.
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Other raw experiences… I remember a period when baptisms sent me over the edge. Of course I was happy for those couples and their babies…. but it hurt like H-E-Double Hockey Sticks—- to see those women, not so different from me (not necessarily prettier or smarter or healthier or kinder) with a man who has decided to love her and only her… and have children together, and raise a family…. leaving me wondering what was so undesirable about me that my uterus should possibly remain empty for the rest of my life.
So I called the church office and asked which weekends were baptisms, explaining that I had to avoid them for a while.  The church secretary acknowledged that she understood, which was sweet… but no priest or speaker has ever acknowledged to a congregation that there are people sitting right next to you, WHO ARE THE WALKING WOUNDED.

@Renae, your comments really hit home!  I have to say that just by reading this thread, I feel much better and much less alone.  Last night I was sitting alone thinking about all of my college friends and colleagues who have all gotten married and by habit feeling really badly about myself, I thought of this thread and of all of the other singles who are suffering, most in silence.  I felt so much better realizing that I really am NOT alone; it’s just the practices of the Church (that tend to mirror the dominant society) that make us feel alone.  I’m hoping that NCR editors and EWTN take some time to read this thread and see the absolute NEED for a single blogger!  No married, especially a Catholic married who got married in her/his 20s, can even begin to understand what we singles are suffering.  And being active in the Catholic Church just further distances any married’s understanding of what it is to be single because marrieds are held up as superior and the only worthy members of any congregation.  I know there are INDIVIDUALS within the Catholic Church that at least empathize, but not many that make themselves known.  Again, it’s why we singles need a Catholic SINGLE to lead a blog.  But, unfortunately, I’m afraid that the Church in general doesn’t want to advocate for singles because it might insinuate that it condones the single state and that might, in their eyes, weaken the position of the married state.  In a way, we singles are a threat.  It has always been sad to me how insecure the Church as an institution really is.  But maybe, if we chip away at this topic day by day and year by year, the Church will eventually sit up and take notice.  After all, most people over the age of 18 in America today will live at least half of their adult lives single because of divorce, death, or never marrying.  Any publication regarding the Catholic life which does NOT include specific information/blogs regarding the single life is simply incomplete and less than it should be.
To all of the singles who contributed their thoughts to this thread, whether I agreed or not, I thank you for helping me to know that people like you are out there (and probably in my very own parish)!  For me at least, you have made a positive difference!

Thank you so much for asking!!!  I am now happily married with a beautiful baby girl, but I still vividly recall my twenties as a dark, lonely period in my life and my faith.  In my opinion as a former Catholic single woman, here’s what Catholic singles need:

1) First and foremost, someone to go to church with.  We have a “tipping point” problem in Church attendance:  Catholic singles don’t go to church because they don’t know any Catholic singles who go to church.  No one likes to sit in a pew alone, surrounded by happy families, consumed with anxiety about whether you’ll ever experience the joy of marriage and motherhood.  Parishes can help with “ride-sharing” or “walk-sharing” bulletin boards online or in the vestibule.  The “positive peer pressure” that comes from committing to meet someone at Mass helps us resist the temptation to skip.  Welcoming committees could do more than just hand you a packet—members could offer to accompany new parishoners to Mass for a few weeks until they meet some more people.  “Come back to Church” programs could offer the same welcome-committee services to current members who have stopped coming as they do to new parishoners.  Parishes could also aggressively recruit volunteers for distributing Communion or giving readings - even to the point of having more volunteers than you need.  Having committed to giving a reading often got me to Mass on days when I wanted to stay in bed.

2)  A chance to socialize immediately after Mass. Coffee hours *every single week*, with regular attenders who volunteer specifically to reach out and try to strike up conversations with singletons who seem to be struggling to socialize.

3)  A chance to grapple with intellectual doubts.  Many Catholic singles are highly-educated professionals.  Many of us went to CCD and we know the Baltimore Catechism.  But that doesn’t help us navigate a highly secular world with highly sophisticated problems.  It doesn’t help us reconcile more complicated Church teachings with what we learned in college science, sociology, or government classes.  Desperate for some adult faith formation, I’ve often tried sitting in on RCIA classes at my local parish, even though I’m already Catholic, but my questions were too sophisticated for the audience.  Some parishes have Bible studies and prayer groups that consist entirely of white-haired widows.  Parishes can help by hosting adult faith formation lectures and series that are consciously geared toward folks in their 20’s to 40’s. “Theology on Tap” nights like those hosted at many university Catholic centers - insightful speakers offering informal lectures on IVF, NFP, just war theory, etc etc, to a group of thoughtful adults over a glass of beer.  The same tools that exist for Catholics on campus need to extend beyond the university, into our mid-twenties, if we’re to have a chance to keep our faith alive in the “real world.”

4)  Singles groups that involve opportunities for non-awkward, non-forced interactions with Catholic singles of the opposite sex.  Hands-on volunteer work that appeals to both genders and allows for conversation, like raking leaves, repainting fences, sorting recyclables, or the like.  These should be regular, monthly events where the same crowd can keep showing up and getting to know each other better over a comfortable, productive activity.

Hope this helps!

PS:  A word to all you single ladies who are thinking of abandoning your convictions in order to enter the secular dating market:  Don’t think it will make you less lonely.  If you start sleeping with a guy in the hopes that it will lead to emotional intimacy and traditional marriage, there’s no guarantee that it will.  Think of all the women you know who have delivered marriage “ultimatums” to men who have strung them along and never proposed.  Think of all the women you know who, pressured by their man or their job or their friends, have put off dreams of childbearing by going on the pill until kids were more “convenient,” just to realize that they’d waited too long and they will never be mothers.  Stay true to your beliefs, trust in the Lord, and hope that happiness might come at any age.

I haven’t read all the comments so sorry if this is repetitive. 

Understanding that singles are normal people and that being single isn’t necessarily a choice but ultimately God’s will for that person. Resist the urge to ask them what’s wrong with all those men/women out there or to interiorly think what’s wrong with the single person. Rather just accept their state of life positively. 

Pet peeves I have are: “you’re smart” or “you’re lucky”. It literally hurts when I see babies/children at mass because I want a family so bad.  Comments like that trivialize what I believe to be a very real and unacknowledged grief of the unwillingly single.  Also, the rejection/alienation one feels when you look around at mass and realize that all these women have men that vowed to love/cherish/support them for life and no man has ever felt (and may never feel) that way about you, that can be overwhelming and immense at times.  Yes all married people were once single but there comes a point when you start to realize that this might be permanent and then it hits you hard and you really do begin to grieve for the family you never had.  It is very real sense of loss and very different than when I was in my 20s.

I think both married/single people have difficulties in life.  I also don’t think that one side has more right to complain than the other.  It’s always nice to have a willing and sympathetic ear.  I listen sympathetically to the family/relationship problems of my married peers but sometimes I feel like single people just have to keep it all bottled up inside because people remember being single in their 20s.  But you must remember it is different.

BTW, as an aside, I really don’t have that much spare time, I have a stressful job with barely any energy left at the end of the day, do all the cleaning, cooking, laundry, car maintenance, bread-winning, taxes, errands, bills, social organizing, volunteering, relative visiting on Christmas (I usually go to their houses, I am the more mobile one so I don’t complain but I do end up driving a lot/packing/unpacking etc),present buying on Christmas, oh and did I mention paying for Christmas presents?, second job to cover all the expenses, dealing with repairs/furniture deliveries, doctors appointments, moving etc.  I have to do that all myself and sometimes take a day off of work for something as simple as getting furniture delivery. I don’t have another person to pick up the slack.  Something like a car not starting will literally stop me from getting to work.  If I don’t work to pay my bills, my bills don’t get paid.  So I buy a more expensive car and end up needing to work more. It’s exhausting and can be very stressful when you do it alone.  Plus health issues become big as you get older and so do thoughts about retirement. I resent comments about how much time/sleep I get.  The single life is not some carefree never-ending sorority party its dealing with the most serious life issues entirely on your own.  It’s frightening.  I am a 34 y/o homeowner, it’s not like living with mommy/daddy when you’re in college.  It’s really stressful.

I guess the “singles” thread has been killed or isn’t deemed important enough to continue to monitor.  I tried a number of days ago to post saying thank you to those who contributed to this thread whether or not I agreed with you or you with me.  It’s comforting for us all to realize we are not alone or as invisible as the Church and most marrieds in the Church would have us believe.  Are we a threat to them?  Probably.  They might fear supporting singles because they might assume that condoning the single life will somehow weaken families.  They are absolutely wrong and quite insecure if that is, in fact, what they believe.  This is a HUGE example of why the NCR needs a SINGLE blogger.  Will this post get on the site?  Well, if it is flagged for monitoring and it doesn’t get on the site, at least I will know what the true agenda is for this blogger and the periodical in general.  I hope I am happily surprised and allowed to thank the other single posters here.

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Sorry I am late for the party!  It seems like my usual story.  I see so much here that I recognize and agree with.  As a single person, my life feels lonely and incomplete, now matter how much “good” I do.  I hate going to big social events or family events where everyone else is married or at least shacked up, and I’m the only person who is still alone.  It’s like a knife to my heart—so much so that I have pretty much quit going.  I feel like my life has been “on hold” for years—or never even started!  I remember reading the brochures in the back of the church one day,and there was a piece by a woman who said she had celebrated her 30th birthday alone, with a walk on the beach.  And it was G-R-R-E-A-A-T!  The Best! Day! Ever!  Unbelievable!  That’s not how I feel about being single.  Sure, I can sit around the house in pajamas all day if I want to, but that’s not what I call a benefit.  I agree that as Catholic Singles, we get a constant barrage of happy talk telling us nothing is wrong, when there really is!  Also, I don’t feel that being single is a vocation.  It’s not like being a priest or a nun.  It’s not like being a consecrated layperson.  It’s not like being married.  It’s not like a taking a break after school.  It’s like being stuck, in the middle, on hold, with no one to talk to or be with, and waiting…. for what?  Don’t tell me it’s okay.  Please understand that I don’t want to be single.  Being single hurts.  Please understand that I want not to be single and to be married as soon possible, to a good person, and tell me how to hang on in the meantime.

FYI - to all those saying “I hate this site because it’s monitoring this comment thread - obviously you hate singles.” The comments are coming through to my inbox at least and you are beginning to sound a bit peevish and whiny. Being single is hard, yes. But stop attributing the most evil intents to everyone else as if they were trying to make your cross heavier. Most people are struggling under their own crosses and have no intention of hurting others. As singles we are isolated, yes, but we need to stop demanding others build the community we need. EVERYONE needs this community, but we ALL need to take a part in making it work. The only thing the church needs to do is facilitate OUR cooperation with the Grace of God to do His will.

Lady Cygnus, I don’t think pointing out discrimination is “whiny,” or protesting against patronizing tones and phrases is “peevish,” or demonstrating the need for the Church to do more relating to singles is anything but FINALLY saying what needs to be said.  Regarding the “evil intents” of marrieds in the Church, I think what you are hearing is the pent up frustration of a large group of people who have been actively marginalized by the Church and the “upper crust” of the Church, marrieds.  If that somehow makes them or you feel uncomfortable, I guess you just have to accept it the way singles are always told to accept our treatment.  Why exactly should singles be expected to fix it all themselves?  Marrieds have MUCH already provided by the Church;  they do not plan and execute all of the activities, prayer services, “marriage weekends,” etc. that the Church provides them.  I don’t think any of us are whining one little bit.  I think we are trying to get our voices heard after centuries of being silenced as though we are children.  Might there be hurt and anger there?  Yes.  And, if one looks at the history of the treatment of singles by the Church and much of the parish populations, one can understand why it is there.  We, too, would like to be all sunshine and daisies . . . and once we are healed, I’m sure we will be.  Have a wonderful day.

LH, I’m sorry, perhaps a bio would have helped eased my response. I’m a single 30-something woman who has watched every one of her past roommates get into a stable relationship and/or married, but haven’t dated a man since I decided to start living chastely 10 years ago.

I’m not saying people can’t say that being single is hard or lonely. It’s difficult to realize that your fertile years are going past so quickly and that you may never have children. It is lonely, stressful and often packed full with volunteer activities that “no one else has time to do.” What I was objecting to was the “singles vs married” attitude. As if married couples have so much more going for them at the church. They don’t.

In my experience if a church has a great program for [married, single, students, elderly, etc] it’s because someone IN THAT GROUP started it. I’m involved in a great young adult group, but had to struggle through the creation and continuation of this group. Basically the only thing the church gives us is a small budget to hold group events and some space to advertise on their website & bulletin. Other than that we are on our own.

One thing we’ve noticed is that as soon as someone gets engaged they stop coming. This means that everyone on our team is single and all our events (even when we try) tend to appeal more to singles tastes. I wouldn’t expect a married couple to organize a group that appeals to singles anymore than I fault us for not appealing more to those who are married. I am the most introverted person out there, yet even I don’t expect my community to be provided to me without effort on my part.

If you want a group, organize one. Setup a regular activity (bible study/book club/brunch/etc) so that people can meet each other and ask the church to put an announcement into the bulletin. Setup an email list and ask for event suggestions from the group. You’ll naturally get a few people who have some great event ideas and who will want to do stuff. It takes work though to get it started, but it can be done.

I think all the suggestions of a YA or Singles group, are a great one! I used to belong to one when I lived in a different state, but since moving home I have not found any parish that has such a thing.  I have been the “drifter” so many of you mentioned, trying out different parishes (though I finally found one I intend to join… need to get on that!).  There is no YA group here, and while you might say, why not work to make one - there aren’t any young adults either.  I have only seen maybe a half dozen people at this church in my general age bracket…. and I’m being fairly liberal in what I consider “my” age bracket.

I feel totally alone in the Church. I feel absolutely no sense of community. I am 39 single and totally alone. I just had major surgery yesterday, drove myself home and then I sat totally alone in my apt full of painful stitches and a heart full of emptiness. The church does a lot for married, a lot for teens but absolutely nothing for singled unmarried childless women in their 30s, 40s, 50s. I absolutely do understand why single people in this age group leave the church.

Also it is important to point out;
1. That being single is NOT a choice. I hate when people say or assume that.
2. Being Godparents or taking classes or throwing yourself into work to “keep busy” to “keep distracted” is NOT helpful advice at all. NOT at all. It just leaves the single person feeling even more empty.
3. Being single in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s etc is VERY VERY VERY different than being single in your 20s. It is much easier to meet other singles in your 20s but by the late 30s everyone is settled in with families and kids.
4. The church REALLY needs to remember the forgotten people of the church (single adults). Many are leaving the church and it is VERY understandable why.
5. In your late 30s to mid 40s as a single women you are faced with the reality you will never have children. This is unbelievably painful and incredibly despairing. Many times I have not wanted to go on. There is NO ABSOLUTELY NO support for women facing this HORRIBLE reality.
6. I feel SO unspeakably alone every day and every night.
7. Another VERY upsetting reality for singles in their late 30s, 40s, 50s is the reality of loosing their parents and going through that loss TOTALLY alone. I have told my family that when my parents pass I know with absolute certainty that I will NOT make it through that. That I too will not be able to live (especially TOTALLY alone). I have resolved to this reality and have told all my family of this reality.
8. It is so hard seeing everyone at work and in life having babies and getting married. I have 14 friends who just had or are having babies. I have 13 other friends who are engaged. Yet I feel and I am TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY alone.
9. People who are married with kids or even just married do NOT CARE that you are single, alone, heartbroken.
10. The church has NO sense of community for single adults. :( ABSOLUTELY NO community. I REALLY wish I had been another religion in my 20s when people met eachother- like Prespetirian (spelling?) or Mormon- unlike the Catholic church these religions do TONS of activities for singles to meet.

Hi I am a Gentleman, 35, 5’ 4” fana.tic.boy@hotmail.com, and I think the problem is the money, because women are working and have money, the men have the same money or less than a woman, and a woman don’t want to marriage with a poor man. This is the problem, women selfish and men poor.
Answer me… If you are a woman, Would/could/want you date/marriage with me, a poor man?
I’m sure that the women want to marriage only with a rich man, a man who have more money than she… We must to change the laboral-economic system.

To “Gentleman”- Is that a joke question you ask? Are you serious? That is truly ridiculous!!!!! Only a shallow person would not be with someone because they are poor. That would be very unchristian. I have a great paying job and the love of my life was dirt poor. I have worked incredibly hard to get to where I am in my job and I have earned more than every penny.  I could careless because he was the most wonderful man I had ever dated. I lost him in 2004 otherwise we would have married. Your calling a woman “selfish” just because she has money (a job)  is truly the dumbest thing I have ever heard- and I have heard a LOT of very dumb things. Wow!
You truly need counseling.

Silver, it could be that he has encountered more women of the type he describes than an unqualified guess…You are one in a thousand, because the we have all had the drumbeat of “financial success” put into our heads over the decades.

I have been married for almost 31 years.  Both me and my wife struggled in the first few years financially, but we managed to get through…Sometimes I think the western model of big bucks first followed by any thought of marriage contributes to so many singles.

In addition, the Disney model of relationship was drummed into our girls from a young age.  Pretty princess/mermaid/beauty/farmer girl meets handsome dashing prince/big hairy dude that will turn into a prince with love.  Guess what?  We all didn’t fit that mold.  Yet, that is what was sold to us…so some of us, or our kids waited for fairy princess or prince charming, without the realization that the people we would meet were human, and not cartoons.

Now, we have a Church that is ill equipped for singles that aren’t in their 20s (and ill equipped even for those as well).  How do we change it?  Maybe some of us older couples that have kiddos that aren’t in diapers could help with at least having the conversation.  In addition, I would love to have a petition during prayers of the faithful that would not be offensive to those I would be praying for, like this…

“For all single people, that those who feel called to marriage may find someone to walk the journey of life with, that those who are committed to a single life may find the beauty and wonder of the Church in all of us as we welcome their vocation, we pray to the Lord…

I know that this is a small first step…but the journey begins when one puts one foot in front of the other…

Hector That’s sad. I think people should fall in love with the person not with the bank account. I have been beyond discouraged being 39 years old single, childless and totally alone. I cry literally every day because I feel so incredibly empty. I fear my parents passing away one day and me then being entirely alone. I know I will not survive that. There is NOTHING for nonmarried women in their late 30s and 40s who “singlehood” hits a totally different level - childbearing years. It is a painfully lonely age to be single and the church does NOTHING to support us. :(Silver

Posted by Silver on Wednesday, Mar 7, 2012 1:40 PM (EST):
Also it is important to point out;
1. That being single is NOT a choice. I hate when people say or assume that.
2. Being Godparents or taking classes or throwing yourself into work to “keep busy” to “keep distracted” is NOT helpful advice at all. NOT at all. It just leaves the single person feeling even more empty.
3. Being single in your 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s etc is VERY VERY VERY different than being single in your 20s. It is much easier to meet other singles in your 20s but by the late 30s everyone is settled in with families and kids.
4. The church REALLY needs to remember the forgotten people of the church (single adults). Many are leaving the church and it is VERY understandable why.
5. In your late 30s to mid 40s as a single women you are faced with the reality you will never have children. This is unbelievably painful and incredibly despairing. Many times I have not wanted to go on. There is NO ABSOLUTELY NO support for women facing this HORRIBLE reality.
6. I feel SO unspeakably alone every day and every night.
7. Another VERY upsetting reality for singles in their late 30s, 40s, 50s is the reality of loosing their parents and going through that loss TOTALLY alone. I have told my family that when my parents pass I know with absolute certainty that I will NOT make it through that. That I too will not be able to live (especially TOTALLY alone). I have resolved to this reality and have told all my family of this reality.
8. It is so hard seeing everyone at work and in life having babies and getting married. I have 14 friends who just had or are having babies. I have 13 other friends who are engaged. Yet I feel and I am TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY alone.
9. People who are married with kids or even just married do NOT CARE that you are single, alone, heartbroken.
10. The church has NO sense of community for single adults. :( ABSOLUTELY NO community. I REALLY wish I had been another religion in my 20s when people met eachother- like Prespetirian (spelling?) or Mormon- unlike the Catholic church these religions do TONS of activities for singles to meet.

Hector No one is “committed to the single life”.

For me, the line “I’m going to make the cake, but you can be my special helper.” really cemented what I want my Church to do for me. I want my Church to need me. I’m studying to be a theoretical physicist. I would love nothing more for people in my church to need me, to require my consultation in some matter, perhaps to educate their children, etc. Doesn’t it seem that this is the hole that needs to be filled? Marriage and priesthood are vocations in which it’s completely clear that you’re needed. However, single people can always wind up at home, staring at the walls, and the Church is like “Ok, we’re getting by fine without you!” (not overtly, of course). I think that’s the grind we’re enduring. We need to be needed.

For me, I need to feel needed by my Church. It feels like the Church simply “doesn’t need” us in any special capacity, wheras priests and married are very clearly needed. In a sense, we are rather left to our own initiative to serve the Church. For me, that’s not the best way for me to live out my vocation: either 1) I bury myself in work to forget about being single or 2) I stare at the walls, wondering what kind of good I can do in the world. As a priest or married, the ways in which i would be “needed” are exceedingly clear, in contrast with the single life.

Bradley J - I TOTALLY agree with you. We are NOT needed in the church. Being single is SO lonely and SO painful. It takes ALL I have to fake a small smile and God knows I never laugh and I always cry. BEING SINGLE IS NOT A “devotion” AHHHHHH that drives me TOTALLY crazy when I hear that. I WOULD NEVER CHOOSE TO BE SINGLE!!!!  I feel God has TOTALLY forgotten about me and my happiness. He has forgotten my future. I am TOTALLY heartbroken and literally have no one in the church or any where to turn to about the PAINFUL EMPTINESS OF BEING SINGLE.

Typo (sorry) I meant- being single is NOT a vocation!!!!!

When people say there are “people committed to the single life” and “being single is a vocation” it COMPLETELY reinforces the unspeakably painful and HORRIBLE emptiness of being single. I hate my life most days because it is so incredibly void of connection with other people.

Being single is a state and absolutely not a vocation.

I was a bridesmate at a very Catholic wedding last June. I was the only single one there and I sat totally alone at front table while all the couples danced. It was so humiliating and so isolating. Not one person acknowledged me. That was a very eye opening Catholic moment for me. I understand completely why adult single Catholics leave the church. I drove home in tears. Totally alone.

I basically have left the church and being just my single self no one noticed my absence. This subject of being single is to incredibly painful for me. I have had Catholics tell me (in real life not online) “maybe God wants you to be single”. That makes me VERY angry to hear that. Does God not hear my tears in the midnight hour? Does he not see my hours of isolation turn into years. Those who say this are always married with kids. I will not be writing or reading on this thread anymore it hurts too much.

Wow!!! All these negative comments are horribke!! Its not up to the church or married people to make you happy! And for all thise who are wanting to leave the church or have left because u r not secire in your single vocation is a crock. Your not leaving us, your leaving God!! Check the real importance in your life. Obviously, you do not have Christ in the center of your life!! I have been single for 37 years and yes, it is a vocation and a blessing! You have to do something about it, not just !@#$% and quit because someine isnt making you happy. Puke!! I pray for all of you!! Happiness is a choice, no matter what vocation you have. Gosh, I guess u r saying that all priest are lonely too cuz their single. They r the happiest people I know!! Bittomline, find Jesus and make him the center of your life, then all that stuff will be gone. God is all you need, not people! Again,stop the negativity and quit blaming the Catholic church. your missing out being singke and the blessings God is offering!! Thank you Jesus for my singlehood!!!! I accept you and your vocation/will for me!!

Kimberly Good for you! I will pray you increase your compassion toward those who are hurting. Shame on you! Saying “puke” in reference to someone’s pain is NOT Christian at all. The priests are not single they have a union with God. It is because of people like you that us singles get NOTHING in the church. I will pray for your lack of compassion.

Kimberly It is the harsh rudeness and your use of words that makes singles feel even more isolated. I’m sincerely glad you have found peace with your singlehood. Good for you. A more Christain approach would be to share how you have gained such peace. There are many of us in deep pain. You have insulted us.  Again I will pray for your lack of compassion.

Like Bradley J said “singles are not needed in the church”. Heartbreaking reality. There is absolutely NO place for us anywhere. And yes we are “negative” SO WHAT!!!! We can not be expected (especially by other Christians!!!!!!) to be positive 24/7 when we have the right to our feelings!

Sorry if u took that as not being compassionate. You dont know me at all as I dont know you.. I would give anything to help someone. But in my defense, I get real tired of the blame game and I take offense when people talk badly or blame our Catholic Faith. If you r just sad and hurt from being single, im sorry. your not alone. I understand since I am lonely too. But I will not blame the church and I will thank God everyday for what hes given me. There r many more things, like people dying of cancer. Nooness hurt will ever compare to the suffering of our Lord Jesus Christ being beatin & scourged and being nailed to the cross! Im sorry for the words “puke” but my compassion is standing up for God…no one else. Lord knows I pray for everyone, but we have to stop making excuses and know that our Lord has us single for a very good reason. We choose to accept God ir not. I hurt like you do, but my hurt comes from people hurting or bashing God and the Catholic church I will never be sorry for standing up fir God! Hope u understand that :)God does not make mistakes. Prayers for all in the single vocation

I did not bash the Church I stated a fact we are a forgotten group. That singles in their 30s,40s plus are forgotten by the church. That’s not bashing the church that’s stating the facts as they are. As for cancer I am flying back from a funeral now bursting my aunt (2nd mom to me) who died of cancer. I myself have a very rare and painful muscle condition. Trust me I KNOW about hardship. I’ve had a gun pulled on me standing up for God so you need to keep your “holier than tho” comments to yourself! I will NOT make excuses or apologize for my pain/hurt/loneliness in being single. I do NOT and never will consider singlehood a vocation- that is absolutely ridicous to me!!!

iPhone typo- burying my aunt…

Ya I just buried my aunt from cancer wednesday too. We r all the same and go thru many hardships.btw, I never said you..i said im tired of all the bashing & negativity..u took it upon yourself to call yourself out :( ..and you are very negative in your writing..even after I apoligized for my comments. If I were a guy and seen ur comments, I would pass too. Think about how u come across and soften your heart so it can happen for you. The best of luck to you

And btw, our 30s 40s age group here are highly involved at our chuches…. Equal to the married vocation. Thank God for our Churches here!! Just have to get involved…they live everyone :) those are not facts u give, their just opinions where u live….

And you are extremely rude and uncompassionate in your writing. Live a day in my life before you call me negative- you have no clue what hell I have been through. Hell yeah I’m negative in my writing because this topic is extremely painnful. Instead of criticizing someone for being negative a true Christain would be empathetic/suportive and healing of the deep pain that creates those negative feelings. Do not get hung up on someone being negative get hung up on someone being in pain. I pray you will strengthen your compassion and empathy towards others. You are fortunate where you live. Be open that not all churches include that age group because they don’t. I wish you healing regarding your aunt.

There isn’t a clear line between whether one should correct someone for wallowing too much in self-pity, vs. what suffering someone has rightfully gone through. One must have a rich prayer life in which they can ask the Holy Spirit to know the difference. I’m very young and single. I acknowledge that I’m kind of clueless about the fire people that single people much older than me have been tried in, but then again, I have had my own sufferings…yet, I claim none of my sufferings as my own as some trophy to brandish in anyone’s face. I hope, also, that I am not claiming any pearls of wisdom as my own and similarly brandishing those in people’s faces. Please—we must preserve the merits of our sufferings, and not angrily claim them as our own…. It’s the only way we grow…perhaps, grow towards being marriage material, out of our singlehood, if that isn’t our vocation…. Brothers and sisters, please stay close to the Sacraments, and listen to Mother Church….

Wow you “apology” was VERY insincere. You words are so cruel and upsetting that if I was a guy and read them I’d pass you up for sure. There is a HUGE difference between someone who is negative because of frustration, hard times., loneliness and someone who speaks cruely without compassion and without understanding. Best of luck to you.

I’m done with this holier then tho lack of caring attitude. However this does prove point that there is ABSOLUTELY no one for singles hurting to turn to. This thread has left me feeling even more totally alone if that was possible. This experience has been horrible. My heartbreak is deeper now then before I found this thread. Thanks for adding to my deep lonely pain.

Do not get hung up on someone being negative get hung up on someone being in pain.

Blessings and prayers to you

Seeing all the different answers to what the Church needs to do for ALL singles, I see so many different answers, and so many different ways we can offend each other, in trying to start a ministry.  In one of my posts, I mentioned that for some, being single was a “vocation”.  That they didn’t feel called to the married life, yet didn’t feel called to consecrated life or holy orders, yet felt that they coulkd accomplish much being left alone as singles, without the “matchmaking” or other things us uneducated, uncaring, and self centered marrieds do when we work with singles.

Others stated that there needed to be a way to alleviate their lonliness.  Others stated that there should be a greater focus on “mature” singles. 

Folks…if YOU can’t agree on what is wrong…how can WE go about fixing it? 

If anything we do is going to be met with complaint and threat of “leaving the Church”, then, seriously, it’s easier for us to hunker down and wait while this “blows over”...and that would be detrimental to singles, marrieds, and the Church. 

What we all need to do is take a breath, and start communicating with each other.  As silly as this sounds, maybe a singles group with little cards that has a “yes or no” block for “match”.  That way, the ones that answer yes can be matched up with all the well meaning marrieds who have a long “Catholic Match” list of worthy suitors.  The ones that answer no, can chill with the rest of the folks, and just commune with each other…a little wine, a little cheese, a lot of conversation.  We could further subdivide the groups into the marrieds having a yes or no themsleves…“yes, I love to talk about my kids, and their latest potty training and poop exploits” and “no, I deal with my kids all day, and need some adult conversation that doesn’t involve first words.”

Does it sound like I am making fun?  A little…but I am also trying to make sense of all of this, since I (a married permanent deacon) am about to try to start one of these groups for singles, at the request of a single mom who feels overwhelmed by the kids…and the lonliness…

I have read all comments and feel the main problem of singles has gotten TOTALLY lost.

The main problem is that single Catholic adults feel absolutely no place in the Catholic church. This stems into sub-problems that include: deep loneliness of singles, deep isolation, deep frustration- resulting in leaving the church where they feel totally unwanted, lack of community, lack of understanding of issues that single women deal with in their 30s and 40s as they fact painful reality that she might not have children. These are all very serious situations.

Lack of community, depression and deep lonliness are very serious and can lead to suicide. Let us NOT preach to singles. They are in pain. Let us not be sarcastic. They are already feeling isolated. Let us not say things like “lets wait while this “blows over”... - by then it might be too late.

Again the point of single adult like in the church being a VERY VERY lonely place is lost and solutions for this human problem are COMPLETELY overlooked by comments like “We could further subdivide the groups into the marrieds having a yes or no themsleves…“yes, I love to talk about my kids, and their latest potty training and poop exploits” and “no, I deal with my kids all day, and need some adult conversation that doesn’t involve first words.”

I believe that this problem will never be solved by the church. There are MANY examples in this comment thread to support my belief. I believe that no one truly has understanding or compassion of how INCREDIBLY lonely it is to be a single in your 30s,40s,50s,60s and beyond. This is VERY VERY sad commentary that I believe this however backed up by countless comments in this thread. God would be heartbroken as well in reading this entire comment thread at the lack of compassion towards our single brothers and sisters.

Sarcasism is cruel.  “being left alone as singles, without the “matchmaking” or other things us uneducated, uncaring, and self centered marrieds do when we work with singles.” Singles have enough hard times without dealing with such comments.

Bottom Line- There needs to be a division or grouping in the church if we truly want to best meet all members within the Body of Christ. - ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. married (support married couples/family issues, bond with others dealing with the same situations and circumstances of marriage joys, connections, happiness, family memories)
2. single mothers/fathers (support single parenting issues, bond with others dealing with the same situations and circumstances raising children on your own)
3. divorced (support divorced issues, bond with others dealing with the same situations and circumstances of now being divorced and alone, pain, betrayal etc)
4. singles right out of college (single 20s, transitions into the working world etc issues that 20 somethings deal with)
5. singles in their 30s and 40s (dealing with wanting to be married, deep depression, total isolation, lonliness, not having children when they desparately want that, the death of parents as they deal with this as a single person without a support system, not feeling a part of a community, sadness, emptiness, lack of purpose etc)
6. singles 50s and 60s and up (dealing with depression, wanting community, total isolation, hurt by the church for lack of community, lonilness, loss of family members without the support of a community etc)

The Catholic church can learn a lot about supporting the different life stages from other religions.

THE MISSING PIECE IS THE TOTAL LACK OF COMMUNITY AND SUPPORT FOR THOSE CATHOLICS WHO ARE NOT BLESSED ENOUGH TO GO THROUGH THE DIFFERENT “LIFE STAGES”.

Nicolletta, reading all the comments on here from singles DID make me feel uneducated, uncaring, and self centered. Maybe instead of being angry at each other, we should learn to talk to one another. 

You see, while I am a married, my oldest son isn’t.  He turns 30 this year, and when I posted about him earlier in this thread, and about his seeking a woman who is Catholic, could carry on an conversation, open to life, and understood his work hours.  I was met with comments like “maybe he hasn’t met someone because he buries himself in his work”...since he is an auditor, his work hours are long and there are potential mates who don’t understand that the world is no longer 9 to 5.  Further dissection of why my son couldn’t find someone follwed.  Funny that this “compassion” and “understanding” thing doesn’t work when the subject needing “support” and “compassion” is male.  He needs that same type of companionship that every single “single” woman posted here…but instead of finding ways to get the lonely together, I saw a critical dissection of the male.  DO you do that to every guy you meet?  Is there some sort of uber standard that men must meet to be the answer to the “lonely women” out there?  Seriously, if you are going to get angry at anyone, look inward…my son is a college graduate with a master’s degree, has his own house, a great job (albeit with long hours).  If there is any single woman in Houston who doesn’t have a “Prince Charming” image of her mate…let me know!  He bathes every day, is involved as an adult volunteer with Life Teen, is a lector, 4th degree Knight, never married, no illegitimate children, no psycho exes.  Yet, he has a shy sreak to him.  Is it sad that me, as his dad, has to “pimp him out”?  Yes…but sometimes, it takes one of those stupid, well meaning people to make the introductions.  Yet, if we do, we’re “insensitive”, lacking compassion, etc.  Could it be that some on here are interested in the pity party, more than they are in the solution to the problem of the Church not doing well with her singles?  Maybe…I am, however, willing to try to make things better…but if it’s all about drama…good luck…no church will fill your need completely…

Obviously more examples of singles being misunderstood. I was diagnosed today with a form of cancer so if you don’t mind I’m going to let you all hash this mess out. I am going to bed. Totally alone. Good luck to all the singles. I TOTALLY get it. I am single and alone too.

Hector You were so angry that you didn’t read “single brothers”. ” God would be heartbroken as well in reading this entire comment thread at the lack of compassion towards our single brothers and sisters.”  Good luck to you. I need to focus on my cancer now besides this conversation is going absolutely NO where.

As a long time single, I don’t want to be “recognized,” “represented,” validated,” or “included” for my singleness.  I want to be not single and happily married to a Catholic wife who has a deep love of our faith and the sacraments.  The problem is, that if you follow Church teachings on premarital sex and contraception, you are categorically and definitively locked out of the dating pool in the non-Catholic world, as if you were going to find many Catholics there in the first place.  This is especially true as you get older, and even more so if work in a professional field and most of your social contacts have that kind of background as well.  And there is no Catholic community you can seek a wife in either.  Parishes on Sunday morning are very hit and miss, scramble in, scramble out affair.  I find it interesting that in a discussion of more than 200 posts on Catholic singleness, posted by real single people, there is almost no mention of online dating.  That’s because, in my opinion, online dating doesn’t work for the vast majority of people who try it.  I spend the whole day at work staring at a computer screen and emailing and IM’ing people.  I want to talk to a real live person when I come home at night.  The online dating thing is very alienating and off-putting. 

I do recognized what others here are talking about when they feel isolated and alone at Catholic parishes.  As I get older, I often feel uncomfortable in restaurants where everyone else is dining as a couple or in a group of couples.  The same goes for casual social settings where people show up in couples, or family gatherings that are supposed to be happy occasions.  I just feel profoundly alone and left out.  I go to daily mass, which is okay, but on no occasion is the sense of loneliness and loss more sustained and intense than at Sunday mass at a suburban parish when it seems that everyone is married and I am not.  I don’t think married people realize how, after a certain point, single people feel shut out and excluded, not because of anything the married couples are doing or not doing, but because we just don’t feel we belong or because we are missing something vital and essential in our own lives.  And it is not just the Catholic church.  As a single person, you basically feel more and more locked out and excluded from adult, non-work society in general where everyone else is married or coupled.  One answer is to get busy with positive social activity and worthy charitable work directed toward others, but I think it is fair to say I do a lot of that, as do other singles who have posted here.  But ultimately, it just doesn’t make sense to be doing stuff for the sake of busy-ness when you are busy already and you can’t do the one thing which really matters to you, which is to have a family and a life at home when you are not out “doing stuff.”

I think it is true that the Church can’t be a dating agency, but there is a real institutional problem here.  As marriage collapses and declines in society and general, the social networks that used to help Catholics get married in a prior age don’t exist any more.  Also, practicing Catholics aren’t immune to what’s happening to marriage outside the Church.  In fact, I think we are more exposed and more affected for the reasons stated above, and for may other reasons that other commenters have married above.  I was talking to a priest not too long ago at a seemingly nice suburban parish who told me that he hadn’t had a wedding in his parish in three years.  THREE YEARS!  All the stats tell us that the number of single people in society is exploding, and yet there is never a sermon on the single life, never words of encouragement for the lonely, never prayers for single people who want to be married, never a suggestion that married couples help single people with introductions, etc.  I am totally not surprised that single people on the whole don’t go to church.  Unless you actively practice your faith, going to church just means heartache and alienation.

I have talked to a number of people who run young adults programs, including one who ran one of the biggest such programs in the country not long ago.  I repeatedly hear that young adults programs are emphatically not marriage programs.  The results speak for themselves.  Most so called young adults programs are just extended social networks for people still transitioning out of college life and who are totally not interested in or ready for marriage.  For better or worse, people in today’s society don’t get serious about marriage until they are 25 and older, which is too late for most YA programs and getting to the point where many of today’s poorly catechized Catholic adults have no connection the Church all all any more. 

This has got to be a situation where the hierarchy steps in and shows some leadership.  Marriage is something the lay community needs to work on, but frankly many reasons the lay community is dysfunctional itself.  It seems like the one thing we never discuss in Catholic society is how “adult” young adults get married in a Christian way.  We take it for granted that marriages will be there, especially marriages of two Catholics who do profess and practice their faith, but surprise, a lot such marriages just aren’t happening, as the CARA study and other reports indicate.  I don’t think that having a singles “group” in the Church basement doesn’t any good at all.  This is a whole-church, whole-community problem.  Reliance on online dating is a total cop-out.  It’s a distraction.  Many serious people who recognize a problem society wide think Catholics have no problem whatsoever because we have online dating services.  I can’t tell you how wrong this perspective is!  I truly believe that after two or three generations with its head in the sand, the Church has only one more generation—that is, one more lost generation to go—before it is in a deep institutional crisis.

Dear “Long Time Single” Thank you for FINALLY being the writer of focus, compassion, understanding, REAL facts in this thread. I agree with everything you have written above. You are dead on the mark! No if ANYONE will listen and make any changes…I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Silver - you need help, and I don’t say this with an ounce of cruelty or sarcasm. I am perfectly sincere and truly believe that if you read and accept what I’m about to say, you’ll be on your way to discovering true contentment with your life.
    The bottom line is this: if you - or anyone for that matter - makes being in a relationship the one thing that has the power to define your happiness, there will be nothing but more pain and devastation once you’ve found what you think you’re looking for. The weight of expectation that you’ve placed on another human person to be able to completely fulfill you will ultimately destroy that person in the end. It is utterly wrong and unfair to think that a spouse will simplify or eradicate your life problems when the opposite is true.
    Marriage is a complete death to self - to your desires, your will, your need to be satisfied. It requires the ability to love with a depth that springs from the knowledge that nothing but Christ alone can satisfy the longings of your heart. Once you’ve encountered the Risen Christ, once you know and love him as the True Companion of your soul, you’ll realize that it ultimately doesn’t matter whether you’re single or married - since the goal of marriage in the first place is to simply bring you closer to Him.
    I hope you have someone trusted in your life that you can talk to. If not, I would encourage you to find a priest or counselor with whom you can explore your angst and grief over this issue. There is nothing but love that awaits you in the arms of the Church, despite how flawed we as her followers are.

Well stated Mari :)

No solutions. Singles against singles.Lonely despair continues. Shame on those critizing Silver or anyone who is in deep pain and loneliness feeling no place in the church. Isn’t that what this article is suppose to be about??? Aren’t we suppose to be the community of Christ?????Pathetic! Absolutely pathetic!

Mari Let me guess you’re married???

Silver Hang in there. There ARE some of use who understand where you are coming from. I overheard two coworkers today talking about how married w kids is more stressful then being single. ??? I think being single and just receiving my cancer diagnosis going through it TOTALLY alone is way more stressful then going through it with the support of a husband and kids. The world is a very difficult place to be when you’re in it all alone. I understand.

What I see is one sub group of people embracing their inner hurt, but not really moving toward a resolution of the problem.  Our disparate groups have situations uniquely their own, yet I see a desire to have their own personal dilemma solved on this blog…it’s not going to happen.  I can commiserate with Silver and sympathize with her, yet, will it be as real as someone physically being there?  No.  So how do we do it?

1.  Humility…Both marrieds and singles need to “die to themselves” and their personal agendas.  We need to come together in a way that all communities are served. I looked forward to seeing some solutions, because I am looking at starting a group at our parish along the lines of what is said to be needed.  I hope the bickering on here, doesn’t take place in real time. 

2.  A clear understanding of each other’s humanity.  If a married is a matchmaker, don’t slam on that person for doing what he or she thinks is right.  If another is a person that is an excellent listener, don’t slam on them because they don’t matchmake.  The many varied responses from singles on here, frankly, makes me afraid that I’m going to offend someone, as we navigate the creation of the group.  I don’t want to do that, but, by the same token, neither do I want open season on either group. 

3.  Communication.  Let us know what bothers you, but do it in a respectful way.  We will try to understand your life, but also understand ours…we can coexist, and herlp each other if we just talk without judging each other and alleged “motives”...

God bless you all!

Nicolette - I’m actually single. Far from being critical of Silver and those who have similar struggles, my intent is to shed some light on where authentic happiness lies. Some are ready to hear this, some are not. But the absolute truth is that Christ alone satisfies the ache of your heart - not a husband, not children, or anything else that you can put in His place. Rest in Him - be at peace. Talk to someone who can really hear your struggles and help you on the path toward healing. Freedom is possible - I know it, I live it. Blessings to you. -M

It is completely ok to not be ok with being single. After being diagnosised with cancer last weds I was alone in my home for 4 days. It was very lonely. Yes God was with me but it would have been nice to get a reassuring hug from a human significant other. There is really a missing link in the church that really needs to be solved some how. I fear it never will be.

Nicolette - I’m tremendously sorry about your diagnosis. I imagine that was incredibly difficult to hear and experience alone. To be clear, being “ok” with being single is starkly different that being “ok” with being alone. No one should ever be alone in their life and no one should ever strive to be content with being alone. This is not what I’m advocating at all. You need friends, family, a Church community, someone who could have brought you a meal, a hug and a warm smile last week. You need this - I need this. But this is not the same as desiring a spouse to fulfill the deepest needs of your heart when Christ is the only one who can do that. Do you have people in your parish that you can reach out to? A Catholic women’s group, maybe? A cancer support meeting in your area, perhaps?

Mari I agree good points on the important distinction between the two. God bless.

Folks, I think we are kind of missing the point here.  As a single person, I think it is easy to feel overwhelmed by the strain and anxiety of being aging and alone, in ill-health, a social misfit and pariah, with no family and dwindling friends, and totally lost in a family-oriented Church culture. Of course one can “survive” being single. That’s where I think the basic error comes in.  Survival is not flourishing.  Except for a small number of singles who genuinely enjoy being single, I think the vast majority, especially as we get older are more isolated, regard our singleness as a kind of poverty and adversity.  Spiritual blessings can come from poverty and adversity (if one is open to such blessings).  But that doesn’t mean that the community at large should regard poverty and austerity as a non problem, something that makes no difference whatsoever.  It’s a huge, huge problem historically unprecedented situation that very large numbers of practicing Catholics can’t get married no matter what they do.  Our Church will continue to lose young people, who seek marriage or companionship elsewhere, and eventually the Church as an institution will suffer greatly, if it is not suffering already, and marriage as an institution will suffer even more than it has already.  How can you defend sacramental marriage if you couldn’t care less whether individual people do get married?

John Thomas, I understand your point but I think the Church really does need to acknowledge all singles, whether they are single by choice or not. I am a woman in my 40s, single by choice. I do not want to be married unless I eventually find the man God has meant for me. I have not found him and I am at peace with that. I have an active and extremely hectic career working in a position for my Diocese. I also live with and help care for my 85-year-old father. I do not want and have never wanted children and I feel that is a choice God helped me discern. My love is for nature and animals and I volunteer in ways that can help nurture that love. Not all singles are meant to be or want to be out there actively looking for a spouse because believe me, there are some of us who are happy with our state in life. It took me until I reached the age of 40, through prayer and much thought, to realize that I was a worthy, lovable person in my own right, whether or not I had a spouse. I believe I’m where I’m supposed to be because God placed me here in a position to work for Him in my diocese, help my father and some other seniors in my neighborhood, and be there as a good friend and helper to my other friends, married AND single. I would like, just once, for the Church to make me feel accepted and loved because I have made these choices, which as I said I really believe God has helped me to make. If at some point in the future, I find a good man to marry, wonderful. If not, I am not going to cry and feel “less than” because of my state. I just wish the Church could actively in some way not make me feel “less than,” but that’s what frequently happens. Everything is geared toward marrieds with children, or is somehow geared to singles who are desperate for a spouse. I don’t find much acceptance or welcome in my parish or in much of the Church, so I have worked on developing my own relationship with God.

Tina, I am glad you feel reconciled with with being single “for now” even though it sounds like this did not come easily or naturally to you.  It certainly did not come easily or naturally for me.  We have to go to where we feel the Spirit is guiding us.

I second JT’s view that if the Church is going to defend traditional marriage, it needs a more constructive message for the suffering singles than to say simply to suck it up and learn to live with the loneliness.

There has got to be something we could do to have a more marriage-friendly culture for the unmarried within the Church—including guidance and moral support for whose are tempted to despair as well those who feel they must “settle” for marriage outside the Church or with a manifestly unsuitable partner because life is too hard to contemplate otherwise.

Long Time Single, I don’t look at my state of life as being single “for now.” I fully would be happy with my life if I remained single for my entire life. The point I was making about my state is that if, by chance, God chose to bring me a spouse, that would be fine. However, I am completely happy with my state and would not trade it for the world. In my life, I have learned to discern and trust in God that I am in the right place, and right now, I think singlehood is the right place for me. If He decides that later that should change, great, just like if His plan somehow entailed a change of career, I would accept that as well. My point was that I would like the Church to reach out to ALL singles, not just the “suffering” ones. I’d like to feel accepted as a single who is happy with her life. I don’t find that, just as many of the “suffering” singles don’t find a place either.
And actually, I didn’t “struggle” with anything. I dated actively for many years but only when I hit 40 did I realize that the reason I had been in some many unsuccessful (and sometimes destructive) relationships is I was scrambling around too frantically to try to fill some “ideal” that the Church and the culture had established that I should be hysterically trying to find a spouse. Only when I hit 40 did I realize that I actually was happier being single. Only through prayer and discernment did I realize that. I’ve met many people discerned that after a long time, and are happy with their lives, but they’re not happy with their life in the Church because there is no place for them. And many times I feel there is no place for me, but I stay with the Church because it is my home.

In his Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Christifideles Laici, No. 37, Pope John Paul II reminded us that, “To rediscover and make others rediscover the inviolable dignity of every human person makes up an essential task, in a certain sense, the central and unifying task of the service which the Church, and the lay faithful in her, are called to render to the human family. Among all other earthly beings, only a man or a woman is a ‘person’, a conscious and free being and, precisely for this reason, the ‘center and summit’ of all that exists on the earth.

The dignity of the person is the most precious possession of an individual. As a result, the value of one person transcends all the material world. The words of Jesus, ‘For what does it profit a man, to gain the whole world and to forfeit his life?’ (Mk 8:36) contain an enlightening and stirring statement about the individual: value comes not from what a person ‘has’ even if the person possessed the whole world!-as much as from what a person ‘is’: the goods of the world do not count as much as the good of the person, the good which is the person individually.

The dignity of the person is manifested in all its radiance when the person’s origin and destiny are considered: created by God in his image and likeness as well as redeemed by the most precious blood of Christ, the person is called to be a ‘child in the Son’ and a living temple of the Spirit, destined for the eternal life of blessed communion with God. For this reason every violation of the personal dignity of the human being cries out in vengeance to God and is an offence against the Creator of the individual.

In virtue of a personal dignity the human being is always a value as an individual, and as such demands being considered and treated as a person and never, on the contrary, considered and treated as an object to be used, or as a means, or as a thing.

The dignity of the person constitutes the foundation of the equality of all people among themselves. As a result all forms of discrimination are totally unacceptable, especially those forms which unfortunately continue to divide and degrade the human family, from those based on race or economics to those social and cultural, from political to geographic, etc. Each discrimination constitutes an absolutely intolerable injustice, not so much for the tensions and the conflicts that can be generated in the social sphere, as much as for the dishonour inflicted on the dignity of the person: not only to the dignity of the individual who is the victim of the injustice, but still more to the one who commits the injustice.”

Vatican II, in its Decree on the Apostolate of the Laity (Apostolicam Actuositatem), has this to say: “The laity derive the right and duty to the apostolate from their union with Christ the head; incorporated into Christ’s Mystical Body through Baptism and strengthened by the power of the Holy Spirit through Confirmation, they are assigned to the apostolate by the Lord himself.” (No. 3).  And in No. 4, this same document explains that, “This plan for the spiritual life of the laity should take its particular character from their married or family state or their single or widowed state..”

What is the point I’m trying to make?  That single people, like those whose vocation is to marriage, are also called to the apostolate.  But one wouldn’t know this when one examines the way in which single people are often treated in the Church.  Father Pat Umberger has noted that, “Being single. For some of us it is the way we live our Vocation. For others it is a temporary state. For some it brings much joy. For others sadness and a feeling of incompleteness. Not all single folks are called to a Vocation of priesthood or consecrated life. Single people come in all age ranges, from the 20’s through old age. Single people have needs and goals. We don’t always fit into the society we live in. Sometimes there is a perception that we cannot be happy or fulfilled while we are single. We can buy into that perception. The Church can be quite helpful to us. Sometimes it can hinder us as well.  It is true that much is said about married life, children, teenagers and other groups within the Church, but not much about single people. The Church can unconsciously discriminate against single people by sponsoring mostly “couples only” events, inviting “families” to bring up the gifts, or seeing singles as the pool from which to draw helpers to complete tasks nobody else wants to do.”

I have personally experienced this through the years.  Only recently I joined another parish, immediately registered, and noted both on the registration form and to the parish secretary, that I would like to volunteer at the parish.  I never did hear from anyone.  This is not the first time I have experienced such animus. Single people are often viewed as being somehow “inadequate,” even within the Church.  We are often seen as being somehow peculiar because we live celibate lives and concern ourselves primarily with building up the Kingdom of God here on earth. We are often excluded and written off at the parish level as if the Lord Jesus couldn’t possibly find any use for us. This attitude is far from Catholic.  Pope Benedict XVI said recently that, “The Lord has a plan for each of us; he calls each one of us by name. Our task is to learn how to listen, to perceive his call, to be courageous and faithful in following him and, when all is said and done, to be found trustworthy servants who have used well the gifts given us.”

And if we are discouraged from participating in the life of the Church by those entrusted with leadership positions in the Church; if we are discriminated against because we do not measure up to their idea of “value,” those who excluded us will have to render an account to the Lord Jesus and to explain why they scattered when they should have been gathering.

Will they be accounted as profitable servants?

“In his Post-Synodal Apostolic Exhortation Christifideles Laici, No. 37, Pope John Paul II reminded us that, “To rediscover and make others rediscover the inviolable dignity of every human person makes up an essential task, in a certain sense, the central and unifying task of the service which the Church, and the lay faithful in her, are called to render to the human family. Among all other earthly beings, only a man or a woman is a ‘person’, a conscious and free being and, precisely for this reason, the ‘center and summit’ of all that exists on the earth.

.

The dignity of the person is the most precious possession of an individual. As a result, the value of one person transcends all the material world. The words of Jesus, ‘For what does it profit a man, to gain the whole world and to forfeit his life?’ (Mk 8:36) contain an enlightening and stirring statement about the individual: value comes not from what a person ‘has’ even if the person possessed the whole world!-as much as from what a person ‘is’: the goods of the world do not count as much as the good of the person, the good which is the person individually.

.

The dignity of the person is manifested in all its radiance when the person’s origin and destiny are considered: created by God in his image and likeness as well as redeemed by the most precious blood of Christ, the person is called to be a ‘child in the Son’ and a living temple of the Spirit, destined for the eternal life of blessed communion with God. For this reason every violation of the personal dignity of the human being cries out in vengeance to God and is an offence against the Creator of the individual.

.

In virtue of a personal dignity the human being is always a value as an individual, and as such demands being considered and treated as a person and never, on the contrary, considered and treated as an object to be used, or as a means, or as a thing.

.

The dignity of the person constitutes the foundation of the equality of all people among themselves. As a result all forms of discrimination are totally unacceptable, especially those forms which unfortunately continue to divide and degrade the human family, from those based on race or economics to those social and cultural, from political to geographic, etc. Each discrimination constitutes an absolutely intolerable injustice, not so much for the tensions and the conflicts that can be generated in the social sphere, as much as for the dishonour inflicted on the dignity of the person: not only to the dignity of the individual who is the victim of the injustice, but still more to the one who commits the injustice.”

.

Vatican II, in its Decree on the Apostolate of the Laity (Apostolicam Actuositatem), has this to say: “The laity derive the right and duty to the apostolate from their union with Christ the head; incorporated into Christ’s Mystical Body through Baptism and strengthened by the power of the Holy Spirit through Confirmation, they are assigned to the apostolate by the Lord himself.” (No. 3).  And in No. 4, this same document explains that, “This plan for the spiritual life of the laity should take its particular character from their married or family state or their single or widowed state..”

.

What is the point I’m trying to make?  That single people, like those whose vocation is to marriage, are also called to the apostolate.  But one wouldn’t know this when one examines the way in which single people are often treated in the Church.  Father Pat Umberger has noted that, “Being single. For some of us it is the way we live our Vocation. For others it is a temporary state. For some it brings much joy. For others sadness and a feeling of incompleteness. Not all single folks are called to a Vocation of priesthood or consecrated life. Single people come in all age ranges, from the 20’s through old age. Single people have needs and goals. We don’t always fit into the society we live in. Sometimes there is a perception that we cannot be happy or fulfilled while we are single. We can buy into that perception. The Church can be quite helpful to us. Sometimes it can hinder us as well.  It is true that much is said about married life, children, teenagers and other groups within the Church, but not much about single people. The Church can unconsciously discriminate against single people by sponsoring mostly “couples only” events, inviting “families” to bring up the gifts, or seeing singles as the pool from which to draw helpers to complete tasks nobody else wants to do.”

.

I have personally experienced this through the years.  Only recently I joined another parish, immediately registered, and noted both on the registration form and to the parish secretary, that I would like to volunteer at the parish.  I never did hear from anyone.  This is not the first time I have experienced such animus. Single people are often viewed as being somehow “inadequate,” even within the Church.  We are often seen as being somehow peculiar because we live celibate lives and concern ourselves primarily with building up the Kingdom of God here on earth. We are often excluded and written off at the parish level as if the Lord Jesus couldn’t possibly find any use for us. This attitude is far from Catholic.  Pope Benedict XVI said recently that, “The Lord has a plan for each of us; he calls each one of us by name. Our task is to learn how to listen, to perceive his call, to be courageous and faithful in following him and, when all is said and done, to be found trustworthy servants who have used well the gifts given us.”

.

And if we are discouraged from participating in the life of the Church by those entrusted with leadership positions in the Church; if we are discriminated against because we do not measure up to their idea of “value,” those who excluded us will have to render an account to the Lord Jesus and to explain why they scattered when they should have been gathering.

.

Will they be accounted as profitable servants?”

I was single until I was 31.  I don’t know if I ever felt like “what can the church do for me”.  I viewed it more as a problem caused by how ugly the world is, not a lot of good guys to marry, I live in a very liberal place, sucks to be me, but hey everyone suffers.  My biggest cross after grieving the loss of my vocation was, what the heck do I do with myself and all my energies for the next 40 years?  My job paid the bills but that was it.  I am not cut out to be a nurse.  I thought seriously of adopting a girl but decided I couldn’t rationalize denying a little girl a chance to have two parents.  I don’t think I ever over-idealized the romance etc. of marriage.  At the end I decided if I couldn’t get married I just wanted to work and be needed like a mother/wife works and is needed.  I ran into big problems trying to accomplish that.

I tried really hard to volunteer with all that “spare time” and “freedom” that some marrieds think you have (you kind of do in some ways).  Unfortunately volunteering in the church I have found to be largely a huge waste of time.  Biggest part of the problem: people have low expectations of volunteers, because they bag so much, so they line up as much help as they can get, so there are too many helpers.  Volunteer shows up wanting to do some real work, gets frustrated because they’re standing around chitchatting with the other volunteers, does this for a few weeks, sees no change, then quits the volunteering.  There are many other problems with volunteering, but this is the largest one (futility).

Safety would be another: I tried to do Volunteer Chore Services with the archdiocese, quit because it was too dangerous (24 year old woman cleaning an old lady’s stove while her 37 year old son sits around watching me).  I tried to be a crisis pregnancy center counselor but got scared being at my shifts alone in the city and stepping out over homeless guys afterwards in the dark trying to get to my car.  I volunteered off and on several years for a single moms’ halfway house, watching their babies on Wednesdays nights, but there were either too many volunteers (babies are popular), or the moms were hesitant to leave them even in the other room.  I tried to babysit for my married friends for free, but a lot of new mothers don’t like to leave their babies with almost anyone.

I would say if there is something that the church can do to improve community life in their parishes for ALL people, not just singles, it would be to improve their volunteer programs.

Give individual people real work.  Give people real responsibilities.  Don’t tell them they’re really needed to play the benediction hymns and then have the church organist show up too in case they don’t.  Check to see if the confirmation program guy is yakking the entire time instead of letting the small group leaders talk to the kids like they’re supposed to. If a volunteer bags, never invite them to help in that area again.  Make volunteering more like a real job.

How long can Catholic bishops ignore the residual anger and bitterness of single Catholics who can’t get married, will never have families, and feel like like outcasts in Catholic parishes?

The pain of singles means nothing to the church. The loneliness of singles means nothing to those who are not lonely. We are a forgotten people. All I hope is that the after life is not as cold, heartless and lonely as this life. I get more love, more genuine companionship from my wonderful dog then I ever have from the “community” (eye roll) of the church. Thank you sweet Jesus for sending me my dog.

I highly recommend if you are lonely you get a dog and stop trying to fit into the church as a single person. This is what I’ve done. Best decision I’ve made in years. Instead of trying to “find my place in the church” I have chosen to hang out with my dog. I HIGHLY recommend all lonely singles do this!

Look, with all the important happenings in the Church right now, what with a lot of things at stake, the sanctity of life, the family, the contraception mandates of the Obama administration, I happily lay aside concern and preoccupation with the pain of my singlehood. I do not want to burden the humanity of the Church with more things to worry about. There is so much happening right now. Moreover, God sees things far differently than we do—how meritous is it for us to suffer unseen? Maybe we are playing an even more important role in the saving of souls than the visible acts that are going on! Let us not angrily lay claim to some entitlement! Please, that compromises grace we may merit. The most important thing is to save souls, not for our loneliness to be alleviated.

The pain of singles means nothing to the church. The loneliness of singles means nothing to those who are not lonely. We are a forgotten people.

Singles are not a “burden” to the church and if they are that is beyond pathetic.

How is people struggling with being single “angerly lay (laying) claim to some entitlement”. ???? SINGLES HAVE THE RIGHT TO WANT/WISH TO NOT BE SINGLE!!!!! No one is belaming God for their singleness they are just expressing human frustration. I am SOOOOO sick of this “shut up and be single” mentality of society. My family does this to me ALL the time. Again those who are not lonely do not care about you being lonely. I have a thousand examples of this.

Well….if it weren’t the fire of loneliness of singlehood, it’d be the frying pan of the pains of marriage, where there is ever an inclination to grow apart, kids to take care of, bills to pay, toilet seats to remember not to leave down, etc. There is a Cross down every path. You certainly have the right to want or wish to not be single, don’t get me wrong, but I ask you to carefully answer the question: “what is the fruit of that want/wish? Does it help the Church? Does it save souls?”. I’m not asking you to shut up and be single, I’m just cautioning you against the idea that the grass is greener in married or religious life. Choose which Cross you want, and a choice that is not informed is not an empowered choice. (Sidenote: tell that to the pro-“choice” movement; another can of worms altogether!). I do care about you being lonely… if you want to talk or chat online, send me an email or something. Usually people are willing to talk to you about what you’re struggling with so long as you have, with grace and without bitterness, owned your own struggles, and only seldom need to talk about them. I just ask you to realize there is a Cross down each path, and we do indeed have the right to say to God “Let this cup pass me by…” but then our next breath must be “...only if Your will be done!”. Crosses are not good, but we have the freedom/right to cooperate with God to transform those Crosses into something beautiful….

“I asked for bread and you gave me a stone.”

How can it not be self-evident that a terminal vocation to serve people who need you, regardless of whether that vocation is conventionally happy, is superior to spinning one’s wheels and waiting for something that is meaningful —i.e., permanent—that may never come?  One can aspire to holiness in a transitional vocation, but it is deeply unsatisfying.

“God said it is not good that the man should be alone.”

What planet can you possibly be living on if you do not think that the enormous obstacles facing practicing Catholics who are called to marriage constitute a grave problem both for them and the Church?

Suppose the main problem is indeed a lack of social support from other Catholics—we get told to “shut up and be single” all the time—at a time when, because of social trends, there is also an unprecedented number of single people constituting almost half of all households in society at large?

We can’t assume that everyone gets married eventually, and that Catholics will marry other Catholics.  It’s just not true any more.  It probably hasn’t been true since the 70s.

Most aging singles bear the pain of loneliness in silence, but for some, as we have seen in this thread, it is all that they can think of and speak about 24 hours a day.

That does not give others a license to trivialize the matter and I think some of the “married people have problems too” comments on this thread display an un-Christian attitude.

For those of you in the dwindling fifty percent of married households, think about whether your children will marry or whether you will ever see grandchildren.

In twenty to thirty years, you may be where many single people are now, watching their family lines terminate with themselves. 

As for saving souls?  According to our Lady of Fatima, seventy percent of lost souls are in hell because of sexual sins. 

Today, we see our “raised Catholic” friends and family members drift off into cohabitation, casual sex, and the hookup culture. 

The problem is particularly acute for Catholic women who are pressured by their non-Catholic or supposedly Catholic boyfriends for sex and who go along because they think they will never find a husband otherwise.

We also occasionally see practicing Catholics make disastrously bad marriages that end in bitter divorce because out of loneliness and sheer desperation they have given up on finding someone who shares their values. 

One can always hope, but cold statistics would probably tell us that most Catholics who drift into long term co-habitation are lost to the Church forever.

There can be no activity more central to the saving of souls in today’s world than promoting Christian marriage. 

That means, among other things, publicly encouraging single people, recognizing their struggles, and counseling them not to despair.  It also means helping people get married in the first place.  The supports for marriage that once existed in Catholic lay society are gone. 

Why can no one see this?

@ Long Time Single- Your comment was extremely well written! I am serious when I say I rescued a dog and focus totally on the dog instead of trying to fit in/find my place in the church as a single 39, 40 in a week :(, year old single and childless woman. I have recently left the church because of the lack of compassion, TOTAL LACK of community,  and lack of empathy I have experienced as a single adult in the church. I have my dog who was a rescue. With my dog I feel needed, appreciated, excepted and loved. I have NEVER felt that in the church.

Also many coworkers are Catholic and are TERMENDOUSLY judgemental and they spread rumors. Again people who are not lonely (they are all younger than me married w kids) do not care about those who are! My God single people how can you not see this!!!!! Read the above thread for many examples.

I have left the church because of NO COMMUNITY within the church. Life is very isolating and very empty as a single person. This thread is too upsetting as it is going no where. SINGLES IN THEI 30s, 40s, 50s plus HAVE NO PLACE TO BELONG IN THE CHURCH AND NO ONE CARES ENOUGH TO CHANGE THAT REALITY.  I will no longer be reading or posting on this thread. It is too painful of a reality. I turn 40 next week. :(

I just have to say im sorry for everyone that has had a bad experience, but please dont blame the chuch. The Church is God and beautiful. In essence u turned from God because its his church. I am almist 40 & single and very fortuante I guess. I make things happen and people respond. I eill never blame Gods church for not be because the church is Gods. g happy. It hurts me as one of the good ones that woyld be there for anyone hear someone bash th church and the people of the church. That is my cross and it hurts me to hear all the bad stuff. I just want to say I love each and everyone of u but we all have are crosses to bear. This isnt mine, but I have others. But in every cross God gives me, I vow to never blame the church or God. May God Bless You all! :)

Kimberly, Pointing out the reality that singles do not a (unique, special, important place (role)  in the church and nothing happens to change that. This is ONLY stating a proven fact it has NOTHING to do with “belaming”  the church or God. God is good ALL the time.  These are facts.  Period. Read it as you will. Said respectfully, that interpretation is on you not on those who are NOT expressing what you think they are. I LOVE God. To imply that others are totally wrong and in essence imply they are evil (you wrote “I am one of the good one’s”) well that is not very Christian at all. EVERYONE HAS THE ABSOLUTE RIGHT TO FEEL HOWEVER THEY DO. JESUS NEVER JUDGED PEOPLE SO PLEASE DON’T YOU JUDGE. It deeply saddens me that despite this entire thread nothing changes for singles within the church. It is like singles must be SO unhumanly silent/strong and hide their pain hide their wanting to belong in the church because other singles do not want them rocking the boat.

Take it as u will and I will do the same…You can blame me all u want, but I’m not judging..just a simple fact that God built the Church and it is his? I never said you don’t love God..be careful about putting words in my mouth. I have no regrets With anything I said. Another person that reads the same posts can have 2 ways of reading it, per the way of a persons personality and how they r feeling that day, per your posts, they r really angry..I’m so sorry that we can’t help as a community..I wish I could….I think it’s ok that u left..you have that right, but what i was saying about being one of the million good ones, you read negatively. meaning that I’m one of the ones that will help others, married, single and be there for people and when you state that NO ONe cares, you r judging, because I do care as well as many people that have written on here. You can’t just bash and judge everyone that is Catholic because you had a bad experience. You have the right to leave but don’t pin your anger on us. I think you probably do need to not read these posts, because no matter what all these wonderful people on here r saying, which people have given lots of love and great comments, I don’t think anything will make you feel better.  We wish you would come back, but you have to do what u need to do. but it’s not the churches doings and I will stick up for our church to my dying day. I will also respect anyone outside of the Catholic church. People are so beautiful in every way..just wish everyone could be happy and get along…that’s what God wants and life isn’t perfect for sure. We have to all find where we are happy and hopefully live for God.

“Pin my anger on the church”??? Are you serious??? All I did was state facts, like MANY others on here did, that there really is not a special place in the church for singles to feel a sense of community. Period. Truth. I do not appreciate your tone towards me it is very inappropriate to critize me alone when MANY others said the same thing but you didn’t speak disrespectfully to them. You do not know me so you need to keep your unchristian commments to yourself. I have every right to struggle with my singleness! This is the problem - someone expresses the wish for a community or a place in the church as a single person and they receive such treatment! It is horrible! As for bashing the church that is ridiculous I love God with every inch of my soul. I live His church every day in my work and through the recent opening my home to an abused homeless woman. So kindly do not judge me.

It’s called opinion, not truth. We have community where I’m from and I know many places that do, so again, I couldn’t have been nicer in what I said. I’m sorry that u have so much anger but I will not get mad at anyone for their opinions and you have every right to your opinion. Everyone has their right. I just gave mine like u gave yours, but these r only opinions. The only fact here is that u left the church for your reasons which we don’t need to know. That is between you and God only. U have that right :). I’ll pray for you. god bless

Kim And I’m sorry you have so much judgement. I know you don’t see it but your words read of anger- anger and total intolerance that someone’s experiences and opinions/facts regarding being an adult single in the are different then yours.  I will pray for you. (And the lack of community and lack of compassionate support towards singles in the church continues. Why have no concrete suggestions come from the Bishop or priests,  said with complete respect and reverence, join in the discussion on how to make adult singles feel more at home in the church?) Kim please send some prayers for the homeless women I’ve taken into my home as well.

You can have the last words, its ok.You should really reread your comments and have some of your friends read them as well.  I have no anger, just opinions. I have not got mad at anything you have said, you have the right to your opinion.  No matter what i say, you will not be happy.  Plus, you said you weren’t going to read these anymore, so i have to wonder why you are still on here? I’m the happiest person that you will ever meet.  This is not getting to me at all.  I am just simply standing up for the church and I always will.  Most priests will stand with me saying that the Church is God’s and the reason we go to church is not all for community and selfish needs.  The reason for going to church is to receive the blood and body of Christ.  The most important!  As long as i have that, i could care less what else i had.I actually love being single!  I get to have more time with God :)  God is all i need and i will choose to live my life for God and only for God.  You have every right to feel as you do and i respect you for that.  No hard feelings here.  And i have not had any anger, just frustration that people leave the church, which is only an opinion.  But again, you have every right to your opinion and God knows your heart.  Not me! :)  All smiles here and i think its great to took a homeless woman in.  Prayers for all,  :)

Having read all the comments that have gone through this thread, it is obvious that some singles have struggles with the Church, and some have left because of those struggles.  Understandable.  However, it seems (though this may not be the case) that there are some that expect others to solve the problem.  This is where it becomes frustrating for both sides of the equation.  In trying to get their world view out, they don’t talk to each other. 

I was a recruiter for a reserve component of the military.  In completing the enlistment kits of many incoming servicemembers, we had one personnelman that would criticize and send back the kits.  His philosophy was “figure out what’s wrong, and fix it.”  We were never told what was wrong, only that it was wrong.  While a rcruiter may have some time to devote to this “hide and seek” method of finding resolution, many of us don’t have time for that.  It’s not that we don’t care, it’s just that, for singles as well as marrieds, there is so much more going on in our lives, than to try to figure out the puzzle of someone’s pain and anger…yes, anger.  It could be justifiable, but it is there.  So how do we resolve it?  By running from the problem, or confronting it?  Nicolette, there was so much you could have done instead of leaving.  My impression is that you wanted to be catered to, and for others to figure out what was wrong.  We’re not mind readers…we need input.  How could the situation have been alleviated?  “By having more programs”  What kind, how often?  “By including us.”  Awesome, how do we include you, by inviting you to functions where there are couples, possibly deepening your pain and lonliness?  Do you see how that works, without specific ways to do things?  If you want to effect change, start the group, define it’s mission, and get it going.  Pastors and others are more than willing to assist in this endeavor, as Kimberly is testament to.  We can’t define it for you, because it is YOU suffering from the pain.

While I may be married, my oldest is single, with no prospects on the horizon.  When I posted one of his struggles, a heavy workload, (he is an accountant), the comeback from one of the singles was “maybe he is a workaholic, and hides in his work”.  My son LOVES his time off, and he would like to meet a Catholic woman to share his life with, who understands his career.  But if the example of single Catholic women is respresented by the dime store psychology of that single woman who responded, I begin to wonder how much being single was the result of unfortunate circumstance, and how much is some women wanting it all, and being “princesses” whose delusions of royalty have come home to roost.  You want to find love?  GO and find it…it ‘s not going to be brought to you on a silver platter.

Very well stated Hector. God Bless! I will be saying prayers for you son :)

It’s ironic to be told not to say I left the church due to the total lack of community, support and lack of needing single adults in the church on a blog on what singles need from the church. That shows the STRONG severity of the tital of this post! We desparately need solutions so we do NOT need to feel the need to give up on ever feeling we will matter to the church as single adults. We do not need to receive an unsupportive an critical response for struggling with finding our place in the church as a single in their 30s, 40s,50s plus. What about something as humanitarian as a church support group for single women of childbearing age who now will never have their own children. Reach out to those in despair! What would Jesus do?

Kim You do not know me. My friends read this and couldn’t believe how judgemental you are. They were the one’s who told me to add the truth about currently having taken in a homeless woman into my home despite having cancer myself. They know my heart. You don’t.

“if you spend your time judging others there is no time to love others.” Mother Theresa
Hector my life is so far from being a princess having anything handed to me on a silver plater. That gave me a serious laugh. I am a brain cyst survivor, abuse survior, had a gun pulled on me, worked nonstop since age 16,currently have a rescue dig and homeless lady living with me, survivor of bullying, have a rare muscle condition and cancer. But I still work as a full time teacher in an inner city. So yeah do not judge anyone - you never know what someone has endured in their life. Again what would Jesus do?

typo- rescue dog

There was no resolution on how to help singles feel important in the church. Instead everyone just attacked Nicolette. That is really disappointing and not Christian. There are so many lonely people who deserve someone supporting them. :( This thread breaks my heart and probably God’s heart too.

And months later no resolution to this problem. Those struggling are quick to get shot down and totally bullied. Horrible! God would be very disappointed in some comments on this thread because they lack compassion. I also have left the church it’s no wonder why w such unchristian attitudes towards those in genuine pain.

I’m single, 40, never married and have a good career. I left church about 8 years ago.  Would I go back?  Not in a million years!!!

I am 40 and single. I use to go to church. I used to believe there was someone out there. That God had that special person just for me. I realize now it’s all a fairytale and fairytales are not real. God is real he just overlooked the depths of my loneliness. Growing old alone is a painful hate joke.

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Unless you meet someone when you are young and in childbearing years you will NOT meet him in the Catholic church. I am 40 and Catholic and totally alone and totally heartbroken. I am hanging in while my parents are alive since I can not imagine life without them. Once they unfortunately are not here I will then have absolutely nothing. I see no future beyond that point. In peoples late 20s they meet their spouse. In their 30s they have their own families. In 40 continue to raise their kids. In 50s unfortunately say goodbye to their own parents into Heaven. In 60s retire and grow old with their spouse. While WHAT ABOUT THE SCENERIO OF THE 40plus WHO NEVER GETS MARRIED????!!!! THE TRULY FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF THE CHURCH!!!!!

To give everyone hope…i am 37 and been single my whole life.  This Easter Vigil mass, God delivered me the man of my dreams.  He was not Catholic, never been baptised and he was there watching one of his daughter become Catholic and be baptised.  Now he is in RCIA, he has his annullment in process, in which we havent dated for 6 months, because we are doing things the right way, and his annulment will be finisned next month, become baptised and Catholic next Easter Vigil.  It can happen…i’ve been praying for many years for this.  I finally gave up last year before this all happened and i started my dicernament to become a Lay Carmelite.  Well i thought at that point that no guy would want me then, because we live just like the Cloistered nuns do, but we live it in the Lay world.  And low and behold comes this blessing from heaven that made all my dreams come true.  I didn’t think it was possible either, but with God, anything is possible and i’m a true believer and i love the church because that is what brought us together and what will keep us togteher. This coming from a non-Catholic that believes in the church, that had no idea about the church.  GOd is good.  I will continue to keep all of you in prayer and know that God will send you the perfect thing if that is his will.  Never give up on him because he will never give up on you.  Take him as your spouse for the time being…he loves that!  :)  God Bless You All and know that I’m praying

To give everyone hope…i am 37 and been single my whole life.  This Easter Vigil mass, God delivered me the man of my dreams.  He was not Catholic, never been baptised and he was there watching one of his daughter become Catholic and be baptised.  Now he is in RCIA, he has his annullment in process, in which we havent dated for 6 months, because we are doing things the right way, and his annulment will be finisned next month, become baptised and Catholic next Easter Vigil.  It can happen…i’ve been praying for many years for this.  I finally gave up last year before this all happened and i started my dicernament to become a Lay Carmelite.  Well i thought at that point that no guy would want me then, because we live just like the Cloistered nuns do, but we live it in the Lay world.  And low and behold comes this blessing from heaven that made all my dreams come true.  I didn’t think it was possible either, but with God, anything is possible and i’m a true believer and i love the church because that is what brought us together and what will keep us togteher. I have the man of my dreams, plus i get to become a Lay Carmelite in 5 more years.  WOW!  The Catholic Faith is so awesome! This coming from a non-Catholic that believes in the church, that had no idea about the church.  GOd is good.  I will continue to keep all of you in prayer and know that God will send you the perfect thing if that is his will.  Never give up on him because he will never give up on you.  Take him as your spouse for the time being…he loves that!  :)  God Bless You All and know that I’m praying

“know that God will send you the perfect thing if that is his will” That is complete garbage! Easy got YOU to say. When I look into my future I see nothing. I have no hope.

I am a single person, not by choice but my circumtances.  I feel the Catholic church just turns their heads the other way.  Single people are never included in any homilies. Never in any prayer for the faithful never any support groups.  I feel like we have crosses to bear but nobody cares.

Karen- Very well said. So was there any resolution? Any support for singles? Amy support groups for single women in their 40s who might never have the opportunity to have kids? NO! Instead we receive criticism like some comments above for having a hard time with growing old alone. My advice is to get a dog. This has helped me very much. Also I have stopped going to church it was too hard feeling totally alone there even in the church of all places seems ironic.  Also I stopped going into the work lunch room where ALL they talk about is kids, weddings, engagements, husbands. And I’m limiting my FB time too many happy life events like weddings, baby births and stories of start at home moms. Yeah WAY TOO painful for a single VERY lonely 40 year old woman.

Karen- I totally agree with you. No one cares about singles in or out of the church. There was no resolution on this post. It is very lonely and painful growing old alone. No one cares.

Understand that there may be some very good, very valid and perfectly orthodox reasons we are single.  Yes, they do exist, and I am eternally tired of having to explain and justify that statement because what you’re really doing is making me explain and justify myself.  It’s in the Catechism.

Understand that being single sometimes *is* a permanent vocation.  Not everyone is cut out for marriage or the vowed life.

Understand that not all of us have perfectly avoided temptation and that the fact we may have sinned in the past does not mean we have the wrong attitude toward marriage and chastity now.  We’re human.  We make mistakes.  I don’t believe that’s restricted to single people, but it certainly feels that way sometimes. 

(Yes, I have had people who wouldn’t allow me around their children because I am divorced and therefore “don’t support a sacramental view of marriage.”  Said people never even asked me my views on marriage; they just assumed.  Those who have asked, have learned that my divorce makes me even MORE careful about marriage than many never-marrieds.)

Understand that not everyone is comfortable around or loves kids.  This doesn’t mean we hate them.  It doesn’t mean we hate parents.  It just means we are called to serve in other ways.

Understand that we have very little incentive to try and stay a part of a parish family that isn’t interested in us.  We do want to get involved, but there comes a point where the constant exclusion and second-class citizenship becomes just a little too much.  If you don’t want us to stay, we won’t.  (I often quip that while God and the Church want me, local parishes generally don’t.)

If you can start with that understanding, I do believe that the rest will follow.  But too many people assume that just because they were single in their teens and twenties, they know what it’s like to be single into your thirties and forties.  That’s like assuming I know what it’s like to be married ten years with children, just because I was married for a couple of years without them.  Don’t try to minimize my pain in order to justify your own.  There are plenty of crosses to go around.

People need to not assume that all singles “choose” to be single. For many of us it is tremendously lonely. I’m 40 and daily struggle with growing old alone and maybe never having chance to have children. Life sucks.

Something that really decreases the pain of being single: “choosing” to be single. There’s a big difference between feeling like a victim of your circumstances, verses _choosing_ your path of suffering…to drink that cup willingly. Christ chose His Cross, He didn’t go unwillingly and b!tch, p!ss, and moan the whole way up Cavalry. How real is Christ to you? I mean, it sucks being single, and I have had a lot of unfair things happen to me in romance, but I suddenly smartened up and said “I can either groan and moan like a martyr, or I can imitate Christ and say ‘Weep not for Me, but rather for your children…’”. And even if one was in a marriage, you’d still face Crosses like this, only they’d be shaped differently. There is a Cross down every path. Marriage isn’t the ticket to a happily ever after…it’s the road to Cavalry. The greatest freedom is to willingly walk that road of Cavalry…not because we have no other choice, and not even because we are sado-masochists, but rather (as in The Matrix III) because we choose to. Choose your path.

Bradley- Maybe you are choosing to grow old alone, to eat dinner alone every night, to have no on to travel with, to not have children, to never find your soulmate but do not assume all singles are choosing to be single. I wager to bet with that comment you made that you’re not really even single yourself.

Nowhere do I assume that all singles are choosing to be single. I say that “choosing decreases the pain of being single”...in the very first sentence, in fact.