We lost power on Tuesday, which is sorta kinda why I didn’t have a post. I'm not gonna lie to you: We didn’t actually lose power for that long. But when the lights did go out, it was kind of like when you are just going along, living your life, going to the dentist, dropping by the library, picking up 240 pounds of humus (not hummus!) and suchlike, and all of a sudden the volcano in your back yard erupts! But you’re okay! But then out of the still-smoking mouth of the devastated mountain comes a cloud of bloodthirsty pterodactyls, and you’re running and running with your family, and you find a safe place in a cave, and you’re hiding and you’re scared, but you’re still okay! But then the pterodactyls use their horrible beaks to pry their way into your house and, out of pure prehistoric malice, they wreck all your important papers and your baby memorabilia and your wedding photos, and it’s very sad and upsetting, but you’re still, still, still okay!
But then, in your hiding place, you happen to back into a glass of water that you had set down for a minute. And one of your socks gets all wet. And suddenly, somehow THAT IS NOT OKAY.
So, that is what it was like when the power went out yesterday evening. I will spare you the details about the rest of my day, but, man, I’m telling you. Pterodactyls.
But if there’s one thing I know, It Could Always Be Worse. We actually adopted that as our official motto when my older sister announced that she was supposed to bring in a poster depicting our family crest (we didn’t last long at that school). As I recall, the finished product showed our brand-new motto rippling proudly under an escutcheon divided into four tinctures, each with a charge; to wit: a Star of David, the head of Groucho Marx, an open book listing our favorite authors, and a Bagel Rampant. (If you haven’t treated yourself to Margot Zemach’s wonderful picture book, It Could Always Be Worse, you should check it out right away!)
So, yeah. Without even stretching my brain, I can imagine how much worse things could be. For instance:
1. Okay, so the roof was leaking a little bit. But it wasn’t leaking a lot! And we do have pots to leak in. It could always be worse: We could not have pots.
2. Hmmph, so it turns out I’m supposed to be on the radio talking about something I know almost nothing about, right at the same time as I’m supposed to be at my son’s open house at school, right at the same time as I’m supposed to be making supper, which will probably turn out to be, like, leftover chicken nugget and strawberry jelly casserole with a side of potato chip crumbs; and this is on the day when I can’t write in the morning, because of a dentist appointment, and can’t write in the afternoon, because of band practice. But the good news is, the ridiculous, unreasonable way we’re leading our lives is private! No one needs to know what loathsome foods my kids eat in lieu of dinner when we’re having a Bad Day, because that's personal information, and there's no way that --
Oh, wait.
3. Apparently the washing machine is supposed to make that sound, because it is cutting-edge technology. Can you imagine how irritating it would be if it were making that sound and it weren't because it was cutting edge technology?
4. When it's 3:30 a.m. and you just barely finally gratefully put the world's teethingest baby down to sleep, and just at that very split second, the three-year-old comes barreling down the stairs howling like an overheated locomotive, you know what word comes to mind, right, parents? That word of terror, the one that signifies untold suffering and the hidden anguish that is the fate of all guardians of little ones: "Vomit." So you go and see what the problem is, and it turns out that she's upset (by which I mean insane) because, see, her sister lent her her squishy mattress, but in the middle of the night, she took her mattress back. This tragedy is further augmented by her blanket being upside down, her Pillow Pet having gone missing (can't blame him), the fact that it's hot but NO NO NO WE DO NOT WANT THE WINDOW OPEN, all three night lights are missing, no you can't sleep in your tent, HOW LONG HAS THIS WET BATHING SUIT BEEN HERE, oh holy saints have mercy on me, what did I just step in, do you know what time it is, I knew there was a reason I never come up here anymore.
So you finally get things more or less squared away, with a combination of stoic compassion and intimidating glares that little children can see even when there is no nightlight. You slither back into your own bed, where of course the baby immediately wakes up ravenous, having gone a full twenty-eight minutes without nursing. And at that very moment, the words pop into your head: Nobody threw up.
You see? It could always be worse.
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Simcha - I’m not kidding when I say the thought of “it could be worse” has sustained me through some very difficult times.
I like the line from Young Frankenstein: “It could be worse, it could be raining!” (followed by a thunderclap.)
Wonderful post! Just remember, it’s always darkest before the dawn, or before it goes totally black, one or the other.
I have to constantly remind myself of that! Thanks for the chuckle AND the children’s book recommendation. Have you ever done a post on children’s book recommendations? My husband and I love finding older, out of print ones that haven’t been made “politically correct” yet. I am definitely adding this one to our list!
I LOVE the Young Frankenstein line!
And, Simcha, why didn’t you provide us the full recipe, complete with pictures, the way Ree Drummond does? It sounds like something my kids would enjoy. Lord knows, when I prepare them a decent dinner, the little ingrates act like they are being tortured.
Love this! And here I thought we were the only ones who dealt with such happenings at 3:30 a.m….
Too too funny!!!
I was worried I would wake the sleeping baby and my snoring husband next to me, with uncontrollable silent shaking laughter. No. 4 was priceless.
Hope you have a better nights sleep tonight, sans vomit scare.
Simcha, I love this. And when it is vomit, I always use this one to sustain me: “At least it’s not zombies.” It could, indeed, always be worse.
Obviously, the problem is that you tried to PUT THE BABY DOWN TO SLEEP. If you co-slept, this wouldn’t happen! Also, pillow pets are too commercial, and you’re going to hell for feeding your kids potato chips. Especially if they were originally a snack.(Cue mommy wars fight…)
Don’t worry—I’m not really picking on you—I’m just trying to get more blog hits for you! Then you can advertise yourself as “Simcha Fisher, a blogger who once got a BILLION hits on a single humorous post…..”
Do you ever wonder if those moms who have it all together all the time just have potemkin children?
It Could Always Be Worse is a great motto. Akin to what I tell myself after the results of assigning children to clean anything: At least it’s Better than it Was.
Our family motto was:
Cheer up! Things could be worse.
So I cheered up and, sure enough, things got worse.
Damn those pterodactyls.
Of course the family anthem should be Always Look on the Bright Side of Life. :*)
My favorite line… “HOW LONG HAS THIS WET BATHING SUIT BEEN HERE, oh holy saints have mercy on me, what did I just step in, do you know what time it is, I knew there was a reason I never come up here anymore.” My son has a shield homework assignment… I"m going to encourage him to put that motto on it! Thanks for the Friday Humor!
I want to know how to do intimidating glares that little children can see even when there is no nightlight. My almost three year old can’t see the intimidating glares I give him even when there is plenty of light… or maybe plenty of light is the problem….
I’ve gotten afraid of saying “things could be worse” because sometimes they DO manage to get worse anyway. I like Calah’s suggestion that “it could be zombies” though!
Sometimes it’s safer to say “it could have been worse” after the fact, then you find the glimmer to get you through….
I feel like I’m living the Groundhog Day of item no. 4 right now. It’s never going to end, but now? Now I know it could always be worse. There COULD be vomit when I venture up to the pit of dispair.
“I’m going to heaven, I’m going to heaven, I’m going to heaven, I’m going to heaven…”
That’s my mantra, for when the you-know-what hits the fan. Copiously. It can get truly comical, but it makes for great war stories later.
When considering everything I’m probably going to have to expiate for in this life to get there, the splatter and the bedroom crime scenes seem par for the course. But yesterday, it was the second hour of “Miss Spider’s Tea Party” kindergarten play that almost unglued me. End of the year productions should be banned.
Groucho Marx and Bagel Rampant. I’m proud to know you.
I learned to do difficult things with the line, “The worst that can happen is that it kills me,” which is only comforting if you believe in an afterlife and know you’re not in a state of mortal sin. None of my secular friends found that helpful, but it helped me stop being such a wimp about confronting people/riding roller coasters/etc.
I will admit that I have started crying when my Internet or phone has gone out. But that’s mostly because I know that I am at risk of dying of high blood pressure-related complications when I finally get AT&T on the phone.
Is it time for the lunch gin yet?
Oh, but do you wanna add insult to injury? Wait till your *kids* retell the war stories later in life—it starts with, “remember when…” but then it quickly devolves into an unrecognizable violin concerto, cast with *them* as the central victim, when Mom/Dad made them feel *sad* for not trying to make it to the bathroom, and managing to tag every single layer of bed clothing, several square feet of floor and when in fact that same parent spent the next day scrubbing spots from the CEILING with their thumb nail…which reminds me of my other motto: “No-good-deed-goes-unpunished.” *or* “When in doubt blame your parents”.
And here I thought I had problems with a front yard half mown when the mower died on me and then it started raining, which its going to do off and on for the next 24 hours, which means our yard will look ridiculous all weekend! Oh, and my father and my husband joined my son’s class trip to the local minor league baseball team stadium and he just called to say it’s not going well but they can’t leave because it’s a school outing. The worst part is I can’t have any alcohol (medication warnings)! Chocolate, though, chocolate is good.
Thank you! I <3 you…which means “I greater-than-3 you” but I really love you!
“At least it’s not zombies…” I’ll have to remember that, next time the vomit fairy visits us. But do zombies produce less laundry than a stomach virus does?
Maybe I should be thinking like this. We’ve moving, oh, well, someday. We’ve purchased our new home almost 2 months ago and FINALLY seeing moving in on our horizon!! (Renos, previous owners were not too kind to their home). We have no full day to do moving but will do a 1/2 day on Friday, 1/2 day Saturday, 1/2 day sunday. . . Then DH informs me that we’re moving everything in BUT US. Yes. But us. We have to spend 3 more nights here (with close to nothing!) until the contractor finished spraying toxic stuff all over our kitchen (nice, huh?). This wouldn’t be all bad but I have a super sensitive 3 yo that is totally melting down wiht all this upheaval and IDK Simcha, I thought I had the teethingmost infant who I still co-sleep with, Dierdra because really, I have no idea how the hell to get her to sleep any other way. Aye! Ah, but it could be worse, much, much worse.
I’m overjoyed to see one of my favorite childhood stories and what is now a favorite phrase of consolation “It Could Always Be Worse” given such a real life application. :)
Thank you for all you do, and for all you write. Honestly, I follow this blog so closely that the days that you post something new are significantly better days than those when you don’t.
Well, that just made my day.
I remembered It Could Always Be Worse from my childhood. So when we had seven people (five younger than 9) living in a one-bathroom, two-bedroom house with neither a basement nor garage, I thought of that book. And retold it to my kids as best I could remember.
And then ordered it from Amazon.
It’s almost as funny as #4.
I think if I could just get one part of my life right, then I would be this explosion of grace. Not sure it works like that. “The concept of being is the first which the human mind can grasp, and to
that concept all others must be reduced.”—Aristotle
Beth - not to split hairs, but you LESS THAN 3 Simcha. Remember the alligator’s mouth always wants to chomp the bigger meal.
Glad to help! :)
HahahHa….yeah…it’s all about attitude. Looking at the bright side of things is always best. Lke just an hour ago my dog had diarrhea in the living room, but it’s okay. She went on the tile, which was easy to clean up. The carpet would have been far worse…and there could have been vomit too. :-)
Tiffany, Tiffany….you are oh so right! I less-than-3 Simcha. It could be worse, I could 3> her….and that looks like something that could be considered…well, uh, you know….beachy…..
Oh my goodness, you guys are all cracking me up, “but something that could be considered…well, uh, you know….beachy…..” really put me over the edge.
You are the Erma Bombeck for the next generation. God gave you many gifts. Thanks for sharing them.
Awesome Post as always.
Just wanted to mention, pterodactyl is a hard word to spell.
@Beth, I’m going to text that to my husband right now, it will probably make his day. You’re a giver.
I laughed so much at this early in the morning. Then this afternoon I found the wet bathing suit…
The Bagel Rampant! I choked on my coffee but just barely missed spitting it all over the keyboard, I don’t know how.
And everybody else’s was about caring n’ sharing!
Isn’t “it could be worse” a line from Job?
Thank you. I needed the laugh, because this has totally been my life for…let me see…I’ve lost count of the months. Oh, and we did have vomit. This morning. And yesterday. (And the entire week we were on vacation—that being a story for another day.) BUT, they both made it to a basin of some kind, so yes, it COULD always be worse.
Julie…. surely you mean FRUNKEN-SHTEEN ???
Hee hee. Love that movie. And that “could be worse” line was one of the best!
What is Bagel Rampant?
Another nail in the “no more kids for us” coffin. Gee, thanks. This was an occasion for sin for me, thanks.
Well, Bruce, if you do decide to stop having kids, you can spend all of your non-kid free time sucking eggs.
Simcha,
My BW of 57 years wants to know: Do you have a book of your columns out? It might make a nice gift for some of our relatives.
She has hinted that some of the inconveniences and cleanups that we have faced in this life - a semi-incontinent 19 year-old cat e.g., may, in the extreme, act to shorten our time in Purgatory.
The comment by one of the above bloggers “Then I cheered up. And, sure enough, things got worse!” I first saw on an in-basket when I was a new employee back in the mid-1950s. According to Qoheleth (Eccles. 1:9) with regard to human behavior, “Nothing is new under the sun”.
Thank you for many laughs.
TeaPot562
@TeaPot562 - thanks for asking! I will probably have an ebook and audiobook out by the end of the summer, if all goes as planned (ha ha).
I read your work out loud to my family all the time, complete with “voices”, they love it! It just works really well out loud.
Tina, on the meaning of Bagel Rampant, here you go:
ram·pant (rmpnt)
adj.
1. Extending unchecked; unrestrained: a rampant growth of weeds in the neglected yard.
2. Occurring without restraint and frequently, widely, or menacingly; rife: a rampant epidemic; rampant corruption in city government.
3.
a. Rearing on the hind legs.
b. Heraldry Rearing on the left hind leg with the forelegs elevated, the right above the left, and usually with the head in profile.
I trust that clears things up. I picture it kind of like the Johnny-Cake who runs away from the little old man and the little old woman.
I sincerely pray that enduring these “parenting moments” cuts time from Purgatory! That thought has carried me through many situations!
As a long=time student of the Middle Ages I am shocked to learn that bagels have hind legs. I thought they were invertebrates.
Mary Elizabeth: Well, maybe technically. There are two schools of thought on that. One maintains that nothing as tasty as a bagel can properly be classified as an invertebrate. The other considers the hind legs to be figurative.
My very wise mother of often quotes St.Paul:Women, by your children will you be saved. She is certain that being a mom is both good for rubbing out selfishness, etc, but must also buy you time off in purgatory. The longer i am a mom, the more right i think she is.
In fact i was browsing to find something else in that search i got your post its really amazing and good thanks for posting.
RV Roof Repair
I had one of those days last year. ...this…and…that…and…the other thing…and…AND I’M WEARING YESTERDAY’S SOCKS! >_<
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