Matt Archbold graduated from Saint Joseph’s University in 1995. He is a former journalist who left the newspaper business to raise his five children. He writes for the Creative Minority Report.
Everyone's always talking about the secularization of Christmas. I'm more concerned right now with the wife-icization of Christmas. I'm supposed to be wrapping my presents for my wife right now so I'm locked in my room but instead of wrapping, I'm writing this stupid post. I'm thinking that if guys ran Christmas things would be very different.
So if guys ran Christmas...
There'd be no wrapping paper. It just wouldn't even exist. You can be surprised by my gift when I carry it into the room. You don't need an extra moment of anticipation at 69 cents a foot. Not worth it. The most you'd get is we'd put the gift in an old shoebox but actually we'd never keep the shoebox so forget that part.
There'd be no family Christmas cards. Ever. No updates on how the family's doing. No picture. No shutterfly. And any Christmas cards that people send out with a picture of their dog would be punished in civil court with a maximum penalty of having to watch Hallmark Christmas specials for three months straight.
The Hallmark Christmas specials wouldn't exist. It just never would've happened.
Hermie the Elf would not be a protagonist. He'd be a cautionary tale.
Santa would have enemies and the reindeer would have more powers than just the ability to fly. Oh yeah, there'd be lasers. Oh. And Santa would probably wear a Viking helmet.
Men would just give their wife gift receipts on Christmas because we know that they're just going to return what we give them anyway so why lug it home in the first place. Just cut out the middle man. Purchase something, leave it at the store, and give her the gift receipt which she can use to go pick out something more expensive on December 26th.
There'd be no outdoor decorative white lights. All the decorations would be those big fat colored lights. And they'd blink. In no particular order. All night. Until March.
Let's face it, the tree would be much bigger. Two stories. I'm pretty sure I'd be putting the angel on top of the tree in my kid's room upstairs.
There'd be mistletoe everywhere.
There'd be no snowmen. Just Yetis.
So, feel free to add any if you want. I've got to go. Merry Christmas to all. And just so you know, I'm joking about pretty much all of this...except Hermie the Elf. I'm serious about that.