Nice list. I especially like the bonus reason. I’ve found that encouraging the kids to do what everyone else is doing - i.e. kneeling/standing/REMAINING SEATED at the appropriate times helps them get more into the mass and prevents their little minds from drifting too much. Also explaining to the younger ones what is going on helps them.

I just wanted to say thank you.  We take my 6 to church (we’ve only been going with kids for 10 years though) every Sunday, and it always an experience.  Not only do we get the trying experiences, but sometimes, we get truely beautiful ones as well.
Last Easter we went to the Easter Vigil for the first time with the kids.  We had watched “The Ten Commandments” just before.  When they dipped the candle in the Holy water and Father said the prayers, my then 8 year old said “That’s just like Moses! It’s all connected!”  I could barely contain myself from yelling Hallelujia!  It’s those moments, no matter how far between, which make you realize how much they get just by being there.

I love Number 10, though the badly behaved children tend to distract my little ones.  However, we never sing at Mass, unless it’s Gregorian chant… :)

Here’s a few more:

- sit in the front pews.  This helps foster the “all eyes are on us right now” mentality.  You’d be amazed how some kids just naturally are better behanved when you move from the back row to the front pew….

- Don’t feed your children during Mass.  Make sure they are well-fed before going (observing the one hour fast appropriately too!).  Note:  infants are excluded from this (I know they must be fed when they need/want it!)

- Don’t bring toys, especially toys that make loud sounds when dropped.  Or toys that can roll.  nothing is more embarrasing then being in a church that slopes toward the altar and seeing your child’s Hot Wheels or crayons rolling towards the priest.

- If you must bring items to keep your kids occupied, try those St. Joseph books that will teach them about our faith.  Our kids have learned a lot from reading these at Mass (as have I!!).  Also, the Magnifikid works great too!

- If your kids start acting up and you must leave the Sanctuary, Dads step up (or as Fr. Larry Richards writes, “Be a Man!”) and take your kids, don’t leave it to your wife.  And if you have a young infant that cries and needs soothing, Dads should take the baby out.  It can be perfect one-on-one time with your baby.  And nothing is sweeter than coming back into the Sanctuary with your baby sound asleep in your arms!

Finally, read your kids the Mass readings BEFORE Mass (the day before or even at breakfast the morning of).

Thanks for writing this article! It gave me good laugh.  Evey thing you said was so true. I have 4 children ranging from High School to kindergarten. I have learned that common sense, going with the flow, and keeping one focal point is critical for any sanity - especially in church. I too often find parents forgetting their children are children when they get into church. A three year only is going to act like a three year old, and trying to get them to act like they are nine is just not going to happen!

I got a great piece of advice as a young mother. It was to have a special church bag for your child. Inside contains maybe a couple books, a small soft toy, paper and soft pencil, and a small clean snack. (none of these things make any noise) Change up what is in the bag every few weeks. Remember this bag is only for church. Not to be played with any other time. It becomes something the child looks forward to. If your 3 year old learns to not talk out load and sits for most of the time - your golden. That three year old is building skills of self control and learning that church is a place to listen. That is about all a three year old could possibly get our of mass.

I believe church needs to be a positive experience for every child of every age. As parents we can accomplish this by age appropriate expectations that change with age and maturity of the child. In all reality, it is not long before they are paying attention. That is when the real work begins!!

Again thanks for the fun article. Always nice to be reminded your not the only one :)

@High Plains Drifter—Yes to everything you said!  This past week, we arrived a little late to Mass, but were seated near the front by the ushers.  My kids were a little less distracted because they could actually see what was going on.  Now, I know that this isn’t really the point of the Mass, but it can help little kids.
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Another point:  your kids will do what you do.  One of the best feelings I’ve ever had as a father was seeing my four year old son beat his breast three times when I did it… :)

Love it! I love #11 and 1 - so true. The problem we have is that everyone wants to sit next to Daddy. We do try to read the readings aloud during breakfast before Mass since chances are good one of us will be missing the readings.

This is a very good list; I agree with every point.  My wife and I have learned many of these through experience ourselves.

By the way, #11 is probably the most important item in the list, at least in our family.  If we let our two oldest boys sit next to each other, bad things happen.  If we separate them, Mass goes much better.

Laughed out Loud.  I would like to add one, when you can, let your children bring the gifts to the altar…but be careful who carries the wine and the candle; alcohol is an explosive when combined with fire.

@Rob B. - “...My kids were a little less distracted because they could actually see what was going on.  Now, I know that this isn’t really the point of the Mass, but it can help little kids…”

Just a gentle word of encouragement to you, and my 2 cents:  for little kids, seeing what is going on really *is* the point of Mass for them.  Especially if they have mom or dad murmuring in their ear, “Look!  Now Father takes the wine and pours it in the chalice…Now he’s washing his hands…now the altar server is putting that big book away…”  All of those visible actions, when seen again and again each Sunday & perhaps during the week & combined with the responses and other sounds (bells) become part of the child’s experience of Mass.

Keep up the good work, everybody!

My husband and I bring our 2 boys, ages 2 and 4 to Mass as a family every Sunday without fail. However, our 4 year old has Autism, which comes with it’s own set of challenges on it’s own. Going to Mass with our son is where we recieve the hateful, harsh judgement we have EVER had to deal with. From everyone- the elderly, other parents, and children who’s parents will never teach them any better. We have broken him of bringing trains, cars, snacks, and cups of water/juice, but until he is ready I will allow him his blanket. It is what keeps him together. But when overwhelmed, he will put it over his head and beg to be rocked. We sit in the back to the side so I can soothe him without distracting others, but that doesn’t seem to keep people from being judgmental. My son loves to go to Mass, and I will never stop bringing him. Ever. So as a mother, I ask you as parents, grandparents, ect, to please be respectful of parents with children who may seem like they are behaving poorly. There may be an underlying reason that the parents, like myself, do not wish to discuss during Mass. Perhaps pray for them instead, or sit somewhere else.

@StephC—Yeah, that’s what I figure as well.  My wife and I tend to point at the elevation.

@High Plains Drifter: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes on the no snacks rule! There is no single thing more distracting to my kids than other kids eating. Mass is not THAT long, they are not going to perish from hunger, and there are better ways to keep little ones occupied. We’ve also had success with sitting in the front pews, the exception being those very vocal months that babies go through. They don’t care where they are sitting, they just want to talk! Or shriek.
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We’ve had to nip the bathroom issue in the bud recently. Our 4 yo was asking to go pretty much every week (sometimes more than once) and it quickly became clear that it wasn’t really a need to go so much as an excuse to get up. So we don’t allow bathroom trips during mass anymore, unless it’s an emergency. Hopefully our judgement will be good on determining those times!

I get so anxious before Mass because I am nervous about how my 2 and 4 year old will behave.  I have a very hard time paying attention to Mass because I feel like I am constantly correcting my children.  I take coloring books, and reading books, dry cereal and pretzels but they seem unable to sit for an hour.  We have sat closer to the front near the musical instruments and Choir and they seem to do better but I still can’t stop worrying if others are being distracted or annoyed with us since we are towards the front.  I am sure they aren’t as misbehaved as I think they are but I still worry.  Any words of wisdom for the mother of two who can’t sit still?

{Kathy} Thank you for such a great list!!!

I want to read about some of the embarrassing situations that helped you come up with this list!!  Especially that “missile” one!

@Tori, this is why I am so irritated our pastor choose upholstered pews when we built our new church. Cleaning pee off of bare wood, no problem.  Soaked into a cushion?  Whole other matter and way more serious.

Lisa,
My thought is anybody who is distracted and blames you is being unfair. I’m single and marvel at what a family has go through to have their family at mass, from young children who can’t sit still, to older teens who don’t want to be there. We should encourage and honor parents who are passing their faith to there children not condemning them, because all children can misbehave. I pray for parents at Mass. So I recommend being at peace at Mass correct them gently at Mass or probably later and let them know that the God we worship at Mass loves them.
God Bless Bob

Nice article, and very helpful tips! Our now college-age son and high school age son have always attended Mass with my husband and I.  They still enthusiastically attend Mass now whether our schedules permit us attending as a family or not - Praise be to God!  Many of the above tips we employed throughout their early years.  One strong amendment - to #9 - parents SHOULD take heed of comments about misbehaving children.  Certainly all children and adults belong at Mass.  Certainly the “learning curve” for a toddler is much greater than that of a school-aged child or teenager.  Certainly a child with special needs, deserves our prayers, compassion and extra consideration, as do their parents.  Yet we are ALSO striving to be CONSIDERATE of our neighbors/parishioners, and disruptions that linger, are better dealt with in the vestibule, so that our children learn that we must be considerate of others participating in Mass, and that they are not the center of attention.  Eventually, with kind and loving guidance from their parents and regular attendance, they will learn how to selflessly participate in Mass along with their fellow parishioners.

Someone once told me that when Jesus was born, there were a bunch of animals in the stable with him, so chances are, the stable probably wasn’t a very quiet place.  And yet, the noisiness of those animals just being themselves did not take away from the holiness of the moment.  Something tells me that God does not mind the crying of children at Mass.  We are not there to be silent as if we are watching The Nutcracker ballet—we are there to participate in Mass.  All of us.  Including the kids.

At the same time, I understand the need to be courteous to others.  That’s why it helps if the husband/father is there to help control “the chaos” so to speak.  With pretty much each of my kids, it was like clockwork, every Sunday.  Sometime between the first reading and the start of the homily, my child would start to get fussy.  I would scoop him/her up and take her out of the worship space and walk him/her around in my arms.  More often then not, they would fall asleep in my arms and I would sneak back into Mass usually right before the consecration, trying not to wake them as I worked my way back into the pew.  The kids usually got in a quick 15-25 minute power nap (they usually awoke at the “Sign of Peace”).  I can’t count the number of homilies I missed because I was walking around the church foyer with my child in my arms, asleep.  They say Mass is when Heaven comes down and kisses Earth.  For me, “Heaven” was looking down and seeing my child peacefully sleeping, while I could hear the muffled sounds of the choir and the assembly.  How I miss those days!

My additions: sit at the end of the pew- easy escape when the 2year old starts a riot.  The cry room is for crying, it’s not a play room- when the crying stops, rejoin your family in the pews.  No food, even if it is clean and dry.  Then my kid wants some cheerios, and when I can’t produce cheerios the riot starts in my pew.  Same with toys, baby toys ok, but not matchbox cars. We have a church bag with books, holy cards, rosary, and I keep donation envelopes in there.  Church library helps keep the books fresh.  Library also helps by renting Veggie Tales and the Friar videos.  Good little children get to pick out a video after Mass.

When attending a new church we tended to choose a pew near the crying room, so that we could deke out with whoever needed it.  Also we had 7 kids over 16 years so I spent a lot of time in there nursing.  The chairs are more comfortable and I got more out of mass if I wasn’t worried about the little one bothering all around us. The other bonus to always sitting in the same pew is that people who were disturbed by mine could safely move to another part of the church the next week. Not too many moved.  Aand one couple even became god-parents to one of mine.

I loved the list and agree with nearly all comments listed since…almost.  I know many families who allow snacks, we don’t.  This becomes such a distraction for others…past the tiny, baby stage no drinks or food allowed…they can snack in the car if needed and just need to learn they can NOT eat during that time (easier to teach fasting later). Secondly, no bag of “stuff.” we tuck a diaper, wipes, basic newborn essentials into pocketbook only.  We tried the quiet books, church/faith oriented which were always “dropped” or something to that effect. No family is going to have the perfect solution, but when child #2 would scream and cry through Mass every single week no matter what taught us to be patient, walk out as few times as possible, know God is blessing you (all) whether you can pay attention to every word or not…we later discovered this child was dealing with sensory processing disorder, autism, and ADHD (completely overstimulated by lights, sounds, other people, etc). We’ve been through A LOT and simple s better…try to quietly keep them involved in responding, reading, moving as needed (standing, kneeling,..) and know it will get better

1) Sit in the front row (in front of the altar) if at all possible, so they can see what is going on. (I like the comment about “commentating” the Mass [now Fr. is pouring the wine, holding up the chalice, etc] my husband does that a little and we always point out Jesus (communion) on the altar, but I like the running commentating thought.) 2) Also, when they are little have one parent hold them no matter the Mass, and facing forward…from day 1.  I was skeptical about this when my hubby insisted but now I’m a believer, our daughter is well behaved (for the most part—she’s a toddler, and wants to talk and wiggle). He rarely has to take her out of Mass.  We also make a huge deal after Mass when she behaves, and just remain quiet when she doesn’t. We are expecting Baby #2, so it will be interesting to see how these go with him/her. Plus, I think our daughter will still be too young to really stand on her own for a whole Mass, so I think I will be the baby holder this time around.

Your advise is well in line with Hebrews 10:25;  “not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

What an encouragement to see a family on the way to the House of the Lord! Amen.

Good list. I’ve also learned not to sit on the far side of the sanctuary from the cry room. It can sometimes make for a long walk, a very long walk. There have been complete strangers introduced to me who say, “I recognize you” and I can only think it’s from those little odysseys.

We’re near 80.
Memories:
- The Dieringer parents with their 9 kids in the front pew.  Their kids, even the preschoolers, were always so well behaved. Of course they could see everything that was going on. (Thanks, High Plains Drifter!)
- Splitting masses, when we had kids under age 3.  Dad would take the 7:30 mass, come home for a family breakfast, then Mom would take the 10:30 mass. (Or vice-versa.) This only works if both parents drive.
- Taking all 5 of ours to the 7:30 mass, subject to bribe: “Be good and we can go to a Pancake House afterward for breakfast.  We did this repeatedly for several years, but it became difficult when our older kids got into scouts or activities that slopped into Sunday mornings.  Then Dad would take the “weekend away” kid to the 5:30 p.m. Sunday mass.
- Finding that a 3-year old had smuggled a stuffed monkey cum wind-up music box into church; and the music box began to play after the Sanctus, and wouldn’t turn off.  Dad about broke his thumb holding down the wind-up key to keep it from turning. This happened only once.
- Trying out the cry room a couple of times.  We couldn’t see, could hear only sporadically.  Very unsatisfactory.
- Feeling quite edified these days when we see a young family with a couple of pre-schoolers.  As Grandparents of 12, we can empathize with the parents when misbehavior occurs.
Thanks for the Memories.
TeaPot562

Jamie,
I hear ya! We are in the process of screening our son, who at this point is known to have Sensory Processing Disorder, but we think has something else going on, possibly being on the autism spectrum. He also has always looked about one year older than he really is, which means people misjudge his expected behavior. Needless to say, mass is interesting for us. There was once a mass, where I’m certain the woman behind us told us he was a “rambunctious little sh—”, when at two he was rolling around on the ground and wouldn’t get up like we asked. There was a mass in Florida where he started kicking in the pew, and the girl next to us started telling him to stop. This was a church that had a cry room with no volume and it was raining outside. Anyway, we’ve been through the ringer, and here is my point: Please be charitable to families because you never know when they will have a hidden disability. You would never know what is happening, and you also never know if your treatment of the family will make them stop attending mass. It takes courage to bring your kids out and deal with the stares and rude comments every weekend. We are a very devout couple, but I can never help but think every time an incident like this occurs, what if we weren’t? What if we were parents that were easily discouraged? Would this turn us off from the One True Church over something that should be so little in the grand scheme of things?
We learned early on that sometimes we have to abide by some of the noises and distractions, even if they are bothering those around us, because otherwise it will either turn into a recurrent way to get out of mass, or will become even worse. I hate that we bother others, but also look at this as my way of earning humility, week by week.
I also do not believe the way to teach them is to keep them home while you are at mass. The only way to really develop a love of our faith, is to teach them early while they are receptive and really have an ability to be open to God’s great love.

I just want to echo the previous comments about sitting close to the front. In the front of the sanctuary, kids can see the mass. In the back of the sanctuary, kids see ... an endless sea of adult backsides. Let’s face it, if all you saw during mass was Mrs. McGillicutty’s rear end, you’d probably act up too!

Love the list!! I was cracking up the whole time. The comments, on the other hand, mostly made me feel like that “bad” family from number 10 other families use to feel better. I’m TOTALLY with you on the “sit up front” thing—it’s turned us from a chronic five-minutes-late family to a ten-minutes-early family just so we can get that magic pew by the front AND the side door. But I’m seriously baffled at the “no snacks” rule. I’ve got a three year old and a 19-month-old. How on earth are you going to get through an hour with no cheerios?? Granted, I’ve been wanting to get or make some of those busy-hands books for ages, but have neither the time to make or the money to buy them, and keeping the cheerios flowing is the only way I’ve found yet to keep my three-year-old’s mouth from running! (At high volume. Yes, it’s all sweet, and it’s all about the Mass, but that doesn’t stop the neighbors from giving the dirty looks.) Any tips from the anti-snackers? If it’s just the jealousy factor, when we see your kids in the next pew over, we’ll happily share!!

We did use cheerios for a very short time, mostly between when they weaned and could start to be more aware/talk instead of scream to express themselves. It was mainly to keep their mouth quiet. Helpful with teething, too, maybe. Even then, we still waited as long as we could before revealing that we even had them, and would give them to them one at a time, not let them have the whole bag. When we started to feel that the cheerios were a distraction, we stopped bringing them and relied more on taking thme outside, standing them up, getting eye-level, and talking to them about their behavior.

The hardest thing we had to deal with was grandma. She was going to Mass largely becasue it was an opportunity to see her grandchild, so she would try to play and talk to her during Mass (not whispers, either - regular volume!) My husband finally had to tell her that she could not sit with us anymore because she was a distraction to our daughter. Three years later, she finally “gets it” to some degree and can sit with us without too much distraction. Plus, now our girls (2.5 and nearly 4) are well enough behaved on their own that they know not to play.

The bad thing about unfamiliar crying rooms is that you never know how good they are at insulating the sound. I had a screaming baby once on vacation and stayed in the crying room with her for almost the entire Mass, trying to rock her, but she simply would not be soothed. After Mass my husband told me that everyone could hear her quite clearly throughout the entire Mass.

Speaking of Matthew’s begats, your kids might love this.  Mine do: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snURV57_tjo

Once at brunch after Mass in conversation with my wife I called the “dance in the forest and play in the fields” song pagan.

Next Sunday morning, as the Johnny-Be-Goods were cranking up their rock and roll, my six-year-old got out the song book to join in (if you can’t tell the difference between this and Barney, how are you supposed to know you’re not supposed to jump up and dance?). Suddenly he stopped and said, “Wait—” looking up at me, “Dad, is this a pagan song?”

I think we are one of the families you mention in #10 :)

@Jaime
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Wish you were at my church, my dh and I - along with our 11 kids - would happily stand guard over you as you rock.  Sorry you have to endure it.
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And, with my large family, the Cheerios were a judgement thing along with the bathroom trips.  Some of our children found the Cheerios more of a distraction (trying to put them anywhere but their mouths) while others needed them.  The same was even true of the St. Joseph books which were weapons in some hands and useful in others.
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In other words, know your kids, make a decision, stand united in that decision and know the toddler years will quickly become teen years.  By putting in the hard work and putting up with the hard looks, you just might enjoy (as my dh and I do), young adults, teens and on down all at Mass together, singing and encouraging the new young parents.

As others have commented, sitting up front makes the Mass more meaningful to the kids, they aren’t bored, and behave better. My family used to always sit in the back and I would only see a wall of people’s backs. Make sure they learn the responses so they can participate. Also, I’ve heard many families feel using the cry room is to keep their kids out of sight and are offended. I always loved using the cry room when my daughter was at a more active age but too young to understand not to make a lot of noise. In the cry room I was more able to relax and enjoy the Mass without worrying if she was distracting anyone. And that was less stressful for her. After less than a year, we returned to the main seating area. (In the front of course!) Parents, the cry room is a positive thing if you want to use it.

Our 6 kids know that if someone compliments their behavior (saying “You have a beautiful family” doesn’t cut it since that is merely my genes being praised!) then they all get a doughnut after Mass.

I agree with most of your suggestions, especially sitting up front. Another suggestion is to get the little boys serving Mass as soon as the make their FHC. Boys who wiggle and squirm in the pew suddenly have ramrod straight backs and are folding their hands just so when they are up at the altar. Plus it reduces the ranks of children in the pew that need to be controlled.

Love the list! We’ve been pew-dwellers with children for 10.5 years now and follow those ideals! Except for having the dad take out the problem child—my husband was recently ordained a deacon (just before the birth of our fifth child), so it’s just me! But I recruit help! I have a wonderful mother-in-law that sits with us (when she’s not playing the organ or I’m not cantoring).

This is addressed to the people, like me, who have grown children.  Invite a child or two, especially from a large family, to join your family during the Mass.  Not only will you give the parents a small break, but you will also get to relive those happy days when a hymnal was the most fascinating book in the world, or elevation a point of surprise.

Jaime,
I taught kids with autism for several years before becoming a mom. If you have taught your son not to need toys, food, and drinks at church already at 4 years old, you are doing an EXCELLENT job. Seriously, you should get certified as a behavior analyst!

The mom of one of my former students started a special needs inclusion mass at her church (Christ Our Light in Cherry Hill, NJ). It’s a mass where everyone understands that there will be different kinds of behaviors happening, so no one gives dirty looks and no one has to feel self conscious. Also they take into account stimuli that could be disturbing for people with ASD.

God bless you and your family!

What I’ve learned…

No snacks, toys, etc. nothing they can throw, especially. kids need to realize they are there for Mass. Distraction free. Books are ok, if they are Christian kids books, I think.

Expect that from ages 1-3 are going to be more Iike a P90x workout than mass. You will be tempted to bring things to distract them, we above. Ty to resist.

This is just starting to pay off with our four year old. Who I now have a talk to before mass. Sit quietly. Stand quietly. When we sing. Try to sing with us…she only knows Gloria and the alleluia., which is good. And go potty. This seems to get her mind ready to behave. Wen I forget, she does too.

And don’t expect much, they’re kids. Keep trying. Model the behaviors you want to see in them because those little angels see everything…EVERYTHING.

I figure I look silly to those around me. The reality is, most of the older folks are reminiscing in their minds…at least that what they tell me. The younger couples…it can serve as either an understanding that kids belong in mass and not at sme kids liturgy thing and this is the norm, we are all in communion and this is a part of it…..or seeing my with my kids can inspire abstinence.

re #3, obviously the children giggle because they know that Solomon begat Rehoboam, not Reboam. Children are very attentive to examples (see #12). A great list.