Nice.  So true.

It’s still true when you get to your tenth and when your oldest is in college. Oh…I needed the laugh.  Thanks! What did we do before Dora?

Haha! I can’t even keep plants alive. Sometimes I’m not quite sure how my first kid and I have made it this far…and she’s only one!

Oh my goodness yes!!  I knew everything about everything up until about age 28 when I had my son.

I remember wondering why my mother-in-law was so into showing me how to pump (not actually pumping, just practice runs) and breast feed before the baby was born. 
You just stick one or the other up there and let it go, right?  heh…  Both the child and the pump worked, I did not.  So all of my judgement about formula had to change and I found something out ... if formula makes your kid a total idiot (they the breastfeeding “experts” claim… then mine must have been a genius (before the formula of course…)  You hit the nail on the head ... thanks for making me smile.

Oh gosh! I get that you’re trying to be humble and cute, but even to the Catholic ear, this makes parenting sound horrible!  This article is so cutesy, and so middle-class-Middle-America that I can’t even take it! 

This is exactly why I plan to raise my kids rich in the third world.  I want a nanny!  On top of that, in the third world kids still play outside, and there is more of a neighborhood and community quality to life.  In America everyone lives isolated in their own suburban castle. Close relatives live on the other side of town, or in another state. This individualistic lifestyle places an unnatural burden on a the primary care giver.  Unlike in South America, women become frumpy and haggard earlier because they have so much work to do.  They switch the skinny jeans for mom jeans while in places like Colombia or Brazil they’re still looking hot. 

In the U.S., kids are a “stop-everything-and-take-care-of-them” burden, rather than an organic part of the life experience.  In the third world, families are closer, neighborhoods are thriving, and kids are around other kids, so the need to constantly entertain them takes care of itself. Oh, and on top of that, grandma doesn’t live in a nursing home or in Florida, she lives right down the road.  Forget about Dora.  I’ll just send my kids outside to play with a soccer ball.

Wallace & Gromit and Shaun the Sheep are my pacifiers of choice.  I just can’t stand Dora or Bob.  Shaun the Sheep is especially nice because there’s no dialogue and it doesn’t distract me as much.

Nicely written! My sister in law (with no kids) keeps telling us what we are doing wrong.  I sure appreciate her knowledge.

I am definitely over being embarrassed when my kids do something bizarre in public. I so wanted model kids to show off when I was having my first. Breastfeeding worked for me and having bottle-fed a foster child it is tons easier(when it works). I also confess to using a strategic DVD to keep my kids busy so I can actually be alone with my husband with both of us awake, LOL. While I would trade my life now for anything, I do miss regular frequent conversations with other adults most about my pre-kid days.

Funny article…

I don’t have kids yet and somehow I think I know so much… quite often I’m humbled by the women who really know. I have spent the last 4 months since my sister has had her first baby trying to keep my mouth shut because I don’t really know. You have learned what works for you and your family. I only hope to have the opportunity to do so.

I loved this, but now am embarrassed.  My kids really ARE good - but I only have two.  Is that why?  Does all this fall apart after 5 or 6 or something?

I really DON’T let them watch more than one hour of TV on Sat. And if they start taking stuff out of drawers I really do tell them not to or consequences - consistently all the time.  And it really does work.  Should I feel guilty?  Is there something weird about my kids?  Or me?  Maybe it is me.  I have a military background and that really helps with the discipline.  Really.  Maybe that is it.  Is this why my (sisters/brothers) in-laws hate me, because their kids run amok like animals and ours just don’t?

But now you have be VERY worried about having more kids and then it will be a disaster?  Ugh.  On the other hands, but kids of course, DO act up.  They are not perfect or anything. 

This may now sound weird and all, but whatever you are feeling right now, I guarantee you you are a GREAT mother.  I think that everyone has a tough time sometimes - or some MONTHS or even some YEARS.  That is not necessarily anyone’s fault.  It is just the way it is, you know?

God bless you.  As for me - more prayers for coping with more kids!

Good Article. I feel like I am part of this experiment too with 3 little ones at home with me. My ‘ideals’ of what a mother should be like are always getting downgraded it seems. At the same time, I think back to my life before kids and I see a woman who was never satisfied or fulfilled with what she was doing. I would always choose kids over no kids. I would like a day off every now and again though!

This made me cry…not for a bad reason but because I can relate to so very much of it.

@Becca,  It’s not that her kids are bad.  I have 3.  The first one just sat there and I didn’t get why other kids “misbehaved”.  Then, my second screamed like a stuck pig before my milk came in (thankfully, I could nurse, my sister was not so blessed).  He is 5 now and still gives me a hard time.  He likes to try stuff.  My third is almost 2.  She really likes to try stuff.  It is in the temperament, it is not always the parenting.  It is true that many parents let their kids run amock.  It’s horrible!  Consistency is the key, but I firmly believe in temperaments too.  God gave us each different ones and I have 3 different ones to prove it!

@Olivia, I am not really sure how to respond to what you say.  It was a funny article and she was really stating what so many of us bk (before kids) think!  My parents are in a different state because we needed a job in a different state.  It’s called necessity.  My kids play outside.  They do chores.  I try to look nice when I go out, but I work hard too.  I am betting that most people who read this do the same.  We are kinda built differently than those “hot” Brazilians to whom you refer.  And, I guess, I don’t like generalizations at all. I know a neat neighborhood in town (we live in the country for many reasons) where the kids do all play together.  And, on top of all the hard work (St. Joseph anyone?) I homeschool.  Yeah, my house is often a mess, but my kids are with me and we love it!

Hey, Becca T, don’t worry, it’s probably partly what you’re doing (way to go, Mama!) and mostly just how your kids are. My first kid was a wild whirlwind kid and didn’t respond much to very consistent rules and consequences (and at the time she was the only kid I had to keep track of). The next three are more like your two and respond beautifully to a pretty minimal regime of rules and results. The younger three are just much more placid in temperament. Now that the oldest is six (and has matured out of a lot of the more difficult behavior), though, the house is tidy, the dinners are mostly homemade, and our household stress-level is at an all time low. But when baby #5 arrives, we’ll see how things change. Anyway, I just wanted to reassure you that: a) you’re not a freak, and b) more kids doesn’t always mean more chaos.

Whenever someone I know gets pregnant for the first time, I always try to express to them what I felt when I became unexpectedly (and miraculously) pregnant at age 37. By then, I thought I’d experienced the whole gamut of emotions and worries and life lessons, but having a baby made my world expand in all directions—suddenly it became infinitely scarier and infinitely more beautiful, infinitely busier and infinitely more satisfying.  My son was and will always be the best present I ever got…even when he informs me at 8 a.m. that he’s supposed to bring two dozen cupcakes to school for a party TODAY. ;D

OH - and thanks for the laughs, Jen!

@Becca T, no I don’t think you are weird and yes, it is partly a function of only having 2 kids. Now that only 2 of mine are left at home, I generally have a clean house and well-mannered, well supervised kids. Part of the change, with more, is that less things are worth fighting for when you are only one person, such as they are pulling all the books out while I change the baby, well, at least they aren’t trying to baptize the cat, I’ll get them in a bit. Even so, I was more speaking of those occasional occurrences when a kid says something or they are quiet just a little too long and they have done something. When DD#4 was newly 4, we traveled to see a close friend graduate from boot camp. We stayed at motel 6. DD was so excited about staying at a motel that she announced loudly to everyone she met that we were staying at the sex motel. Recently, my granddaughter, who is about 20 months was over at my house waiting for us to leave on a trip. I had laid out a bunch of bananas on the table to take with us. Most of the adults were in and out loading the car. Her mom was in the room and the little one had been playing quietly but not in direct site. I came in and saw a pile of one inch long pieces of banana, with peel, leading under the dining room table. Apparently she had been quiet because she was eating most of the bananas and leaving 1 inch chunks of the rest. This event is now known as the banana massacre.

I was worse before kids—I was the judgmental woman at mass giving dirty looks to people with “loud” children! I think the Lord has given me boys as a mortification to expiate my past, LOL. But, seriously, the only thing I miss about not having kids—SLEEP.

Although its societal benefit is rarely questioned, the advent of widespread contraceptive use in the United States has not decreased abortions as promised, but rather resulted in increased cases of infidelity, sexually transmitted diseases and teen pregnancies.  As marriages end in divorce, children “are punished” with babies or abortions, and one parent homes become more prevalent, the role of the family to care for children and elderly parents has increasingly become a responsibility of big government.  Obama’s desire to create a dependent population starts with the young, who are most easily swayed by a message of immediate self gratification, and to whom American exceptionalism has little meaning. Decisions to provide “free” birth control, laws and policies promoting homosexual sex, and limits on school choice function as an indoctrination program to create in the minds of young people the idea that sex is a government entitlement, rather than a gift from God.

Good article.  While in general I feel that my conviction to have a big family is a personal one, it’s exactly people like that who make me wish other people would have kids and more of ‘em - so they stop judging me!  I don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to say, “If you think this is so easy let’s see you actually handle it!” to someone giving me the evil eye when my kids run wild around the gas station market trying to get me to buy every sugary thing in sight.  Sometimes you read all the books - and none of it works!!

Wanna know what my take-away was? “She is soooo brave for admitting that she gives her baby formula on a Catholic website!”

Key question to ask yourself while parenting, “Is my kid’s salvation dependent on this particular thing?” If not, do what works!

@Olivia—I can’t quite tell if you have kids yet or not; but if you don’t, thanks for exactly proving Jen’s point.  You have it all figured out, don’t you, dear?  : )

I am amazed that young mothers some how miss the most obvious source of wisdom on child rearing—their own mothers, fathers, aunts, grandmothers, etc. Just try asking someone who has been there and now has some perspective on the whole merry-go-round scene. Then listen for those nuggets of insight that fit your problem. Take a few here and a few from there, and you’ll get the benefit of learning from your loved ones’ life experiences.

@Olivia, I think you are in for quite a shock. I only have one child (who has been one of the easiest kids to parent) and can still relate to the Jen. Planning and doing are often totally different situations.

It’s not that kids are a “‘stop-everything-and-take-care-of-them’ burden.” They are frequently a stop-everything-and-take-care-of-them responsibility, and that responsibility is part of the organic life experience.

When your toddler walks into the kitchen and throws up without warning, you will find yourself dropping everything. When your 3-year old is playing in the living room and suddenly yells “I have to poop!” you will drop everything and sprint her to that bathroom because doing that is better than cleaning up clothes and the trail leading to the bathroom. When he is outside playing with that soccer ball and comes in bleeding from something you had no idea he would play with instead of the ball, you will drop everything.

I doubt anyone here will criticize you for having a nanny, but nannies do not replace parents and generally aren’t there 24/7. Even if you are blessed with such financial resources, the idea of giving all those responsibilities to a nanny is sad. Children want parents, not a nanny.

As Jen said, the rewards of parenting far outweigh the “burden”.

I agree, Olivia. Irony is you proved the point.

And I loved hearing about how “traditional societies in the the third world” raised their kids and even joked with DH that we need to move to Africa because grinding corn around a fire while my toddler played in the dirt with other kids sounded so. .. romantic.

But although some of the things you mentioned are sad, we also romanticize a lot.  My friend lived in Kenya and I couldn’t tell you how many women were raising their kids alone while their husbands went off to piddle the day away. The women had to leave their kids with thier moms while they worked to earn the family money. It’s not all roses.

And it must be nice to choose upper class. As you describe, if you were a lower class in those countries, you kids might not be kicking a soccer ball but selling food alongside you just so you could eat. 

We’ve got it good, overall. No one has it all. Just sayin.

@Olivia. I’m from Latin America and I did grow up just like you described it. But my nanny didn’t really care that I fell and hurt myself, she was too busy making dinner. She also missed counting that my sister didn’t make it in one day and when my mom got home they were frantically looking for her (until they found her at a neighbors house).
Nowadays in latin america Olivia, you will have to also get bodyguards if you plan to live richly there. The security is so horrible, and the rich are usually the target. My friends who still live there (richly) are trying to find ways to come to the US because the security is getting out of control.
Great article Jen!

Just wait until you’re done raising your kids & really do have all the answers;  and your daughter-in-laws insist upon learning everything for themselves the hard way. :-)  Oh well, I try to follow Elizabeth Elliot’s ten commandments for mother-in-laws including “Never pass up an opportunity to keep your mouth shut.”  (by the way - I love your blog)

I have very clear memories of being VERY irritated with certain children’s behavior during Mass BEFORE I had kids. I can think of maybe one instance in the years since I’ve had children that I noticed other children’s “inappropriate” Mass behavior. Either suddenly all the children in our parish improved their behavior, or someone (me) realized how real children act!

I disagree somewhat.  I have four young children and I was idealistic like Jen when I had my first.  While, yes, I’ve learned to relax a bit over the years.  I think it is extremely important for mothers to have ideals in the first place to try to live up to.  I wanted a lot of what Jen wanted when she was pregnant with her first, and on the whole I can say that I am still joyfully plugging away at those ideals while not judging others that don’t hold them.  Obviously, it’s harder to walk the walk than talk the talk, but I’m always motivated by a little challenge.  Amazingly I’ve been able to nurse all my children (it was not easy at first but I stuck with it…I know not all women are able to, I’m not coming down on Jen or anyone else).  My kids don’t watch TV, and they happily (OK, sometimes they whine) go outside to play or do other activities.  We have firm, consistent rules in our home and try to discipline in a gentle, loving manner.  We’re not always successful (we do have to apologize to our kids and go to time out ourselves on occasion) but we pick ourselves up and continue to strive toward the ideals we feel God is calling our particular family to.  I hope others are able to discern ideals for their own family, whatever they may be, and strive to live them out.  Sometimes I feel articles like this, while yes humorous (I understand the intent) paint a picture that we should just throw out all of those ideals or standards we set for ourselves because we’ll just one day realize how ignorant and unrealistic they once were.  I say, keep striving for your ideals while tweaking them here and there for the reality of family life when you experience it.

Here’s a great article regarding the use of the word “children” as opposed to the word “kids” and how it is best to try to refrain from the use of the latter word: http://www.angelusonline.org/index.php?section=articles&subsection=print_article&article_id=1884.

Great article, Jen.  I did some of my best parenting before my 5 kids came along.  I have found parenting to be the most humbling experience of my life.

As the saying goes, nonparents have theories on childrearing.  Parents have children.

I’m with you sister…just give it a real go with breastfeeding for #6…Once you get past all the gory beginners angst, it is such a blessing on so many levels.  And there is an actual “tranquilizing” chemical that is released every time your milk lets down!!  You curl up with your baby and the hurricane might be raging, but you sigh with contentment.  What mother of many can’t use that!

Olivia et al.: indeed, the term ‘slumming’ comes to mind.

Olivia did ironically prove the point Jen was making in the first place but I point that out lovingly since I was probably similar before my first kid was born.

Becca, enjoy your well behaved children…they sound great…but God does have a sense of humor and about the time we think we have things all figured out, we get some sort of challenge to help keep us humble.

My first 2 were wild little boys but got much better as they grew. My oldest was a “perfect” teen gentleman…excellent Catholic Christian young man in every way ...until depression got him and his life (and every part of his personality) was decimated.  Ive started to learn how to parent someone with severe mental illness while my “perfect parent” friends did not skip a chance to tell me how well their kids were doing. I have learned some real humility and compassion in this experience.

I think Olivia was being a bit tongue-in-cheek with her comment.  Sounds like the sort of thing I’d say, to get a laugh, during a light-hearted discussion.

But like her, I’d only be half-joking, because it really does seem like there ought to be a better way to raise kids than giving them the super sanitized, fully structured, often sedentary, totally supervised childhood that seems to be the norm in our country.  And I think even mothers with one, three, or six kids can admit that they still don’t know everything nor did everything right in raising them.  All I’m saying is, there seems to be room for improvement, and it’s not ignorant to suggest so. 

Then again, I’m a early twenties single man, so, yeah, you all can dismiss me now.  Haha.

A wonderful and very true article!  You must also add the forgetful grandparents, who only seem to remember the good moments of their own parenting skills and continually advise their children or daughter-in-law of how best to deal with unruly/tired/messy children.  They literally forget what parenthood was like after 40+ years without little children.  Considering the time difference, you’d think there would be no such thing as “grandmotherly advice”. And I say that as one who adores and loves my own grandparents (and respects them). But so many times my own parents seem to have lost touch with the real world when it comes to children.

I’m with you on the “I just won’t let my child act like that!”. You have to pick your battles—I realized that this morning when I actually told my 2 yo son to flush some tissues down the toilet so he’d stop trying to stand on it to reach my breakable cosmetics on the top shelf while I brushed my teeth.

@Babs - I agree about the formula feeding bravery!    I’m one of those moms with difficult pregnancies who really is better off giving her babies formula.  However, the breastfeeding police are so strong on both sides of our family that I ruined my health trying to nurse my oldest without supplementing.  My mother feels so guilty about her “support” of my breastfeeding that she now tells someone who’s having difficulty breastfeeding to “call Eileen” knowing full well I’m going to be all “give the kid a bottle, he’ll be fine!”  Oh, and my two allergy ridden, asthmatic kids?  The two I breastfed the most.    The healthiest?  Adopted, purely formula fed.  My healthiest bio kid?  Probably nursed him 2 or 3 times a day until he was 7 months or so, everything else that boy ate before he was a year old was basically formula and Reese’s Cups.  It’s mostly genetics - health, behavior, intelligence - ALL of it!  We just don’t have as much control as we like to think.  That was my post kids revelation.

Please, ladies.  Indeed, our salvation does not rest on whether we had two eyes, two legs, health, or lack thereof.  Our survival does not rest upon our having been breastfed either.  Children thrive with love.  THIS is the gist of the post.  Can we please all be as informed as possible about the scientifically proven benefits of breastfeeding, celebrate it as a noble goal, and have empathy for whatever issue in life that did not allow a fellow human being to partake of it?  This is not about winning sides.  This is about love trumping everything else. Peace.

@Anna, that’s the kind of attitude from my family that ruined my health.  If everyone could just mind their own business instead of guilting mothers by telling them over and over again that “breastfeeding is best.  Too bad you can’t do it,” there’d be a lot less angst among the new moms.  Less mommy angst equals happier babies.  I co-slept with all my babies.  That’s a big no no now too, but it worked for me and I’m not sorry I did it.    Of course, I didn’t really hear that was bad until I was on my third or fourth kid, and by that time, I had stopped caring what the world said about raising babies and did what worked best for my family.

Eileen, please understand that I am not giving you attitude.  You sound like a generous, good mother, so anger and or a defensive stance shouldn’t come in to play.  You sound like a woman who has a bounty of love to give in adopting two children.  THIS is what truly matters. The world could use more Moms like you. I remember when I had my first child in my early twenties.  I was exhausted, had cracked and bleeding breasts, was teetering on some post partum depression and contracted mastitis.  I would have given up if I had not received an incredible amount of moral support from the women in my life.  I went on to LOVE the sweet,tender, and peaceful life this gave me for the next twenty five years, and shudder at the thought of how I might have missed out on this. I understand that it isn’t easy at the beginning, and doesn’t always work, but judging by the amount of disconnectedness that is occurring with the maternal bond in our world, and all the accompanying mental issues that come with this problem, I would think that you would want to encourage mothers in this direction.  Every time a woman breastfeeds, oxytocin is released which is very powerful in bonding between mother and infant.(This, among so many other profound benefits which can’t all be named)  My own mother was fed from a goat in Puerto Rico, while her parents taught school to poor children, so yes Eileen, we don’t have to be breastfed to be loved and to thrive.  No breastfeeding police here.  Peace.

hahahahahha LOVE THIS!

@Anna - but my point is that you’re raising breastfeeding to a different level and that places anxiety on new mothers.    Everybody agrees that Britax car seats are safer than the $40 Gracos you pick up at Costco.  But there isn’t the whole subset of mothers out there pitying the mother whose kid’s in the Graco.  Because the advantage of the Britax isn’t enough to justify missing the rent or not having enough food or heat - it’s the same with breastfeeding.
.
You’re talking about breastfeeding being superior for mothers - for many women it probably is.  And that’s wonderful that it is for you.  But it’s not for everyone and what you’ve written is exactly what caused me to breastfeed in spite of having hemorrhaged giving birth.  Sing the praises of it for yourself, but keep it there.  You’re laying a guilt trip on other women that is completely unnecessary.

anonymous, chill out with the “don’t talk about breastfeeding” guilt trip yourself. Own your own emotions, make your own choices. If you are still feeling guilty, that’s your guilt, it’s not caused by a commenter on a blog. Deal with it. Don’t turn around and guilt trip people who are trying to talk about their own positive experiences with breastfeeding after a very negative beginning. You’re going to discourage people who might have been able to go on doing it with some fortitude and endurance and loved it. My mother didn’t breastfeed my sister and she still feels badly about it. But she doesn’t feel badly because of things people say, she feels badly because in her heart, she wanted to do it and she couldn’t make it work.

Anyhoo. This is hysterical Jen. I only have two and my kids are just like this—well, at least one of them is. All you mom’s who say “I consistently draw boundaries and enforces consequences” good on you! I do, too. But my child is extremely strong-willed and literally everything (literally EVERYTHING) turns into an argument with him. Be happy you have the children you have who respond so well to you. Be happy you’re so good with discipline.

For those people who are like “this piece is going to discourage people from having kids!” anyone who is so faint of heart that this is going to discourage them deserve to be discouraged.

I hope you all had your children vaccinated! This is a story from U.S.A. Today:
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  The largest U.S. outbreak of measles to occur in 15 years — affecting 214 children so far — is likely driven by travelers returning from abroad and by too many unvaccinated U.S. children, according to new research.
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  The finding could highlight the dangers of a trend among some U.S. parents to skip the measles-mumps-rubella (MMR) vaccine for their children, out of what many experts call misguided fears over its safety.
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.http://yourlife.usatoday.com/health/story/2011-10-21/Unvaccinated-behind-largest-US-measles-outbreak-in-years/50852098/1
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Remember, a Playboy pinup is not necessarily a scientist. And you can thank Andrew Wakefield for the return of Whooping Cough too.

I don’t even think I could do a chia pet. :) Motherhood has made me ever so deeply grateful & in awe of all mothers! You rock ladies!!