Thank you for this post. It is the most cogent argument I’ve heard for the ‘witness’ (not ‘vocation’) of single life. As a chaste single female I have always found the phrase “single vocation” patronizing – an inclusivist attempt of pity by otherwise well-meaning married and religious. I didn’t ask for this single life no more than I was “called” to it. I am more of a modern eunuch of today’s society. But I am infinitely happier that in the “bad old days” of looking for love society’s way (i.e. casual sex, serial monogamy). I wouldn’t trade my life now for anything less, come what may.

I think this post is one big pile of crap. I mean particularly this about single catholic people being surrounded by life through their friendships, through their parish communities, perhaps through their role as godparent. This is one of the reasons I became disappointed with the whole story - most everything I was told by religious people turned out to be wrong or outright lie. If you are single and over the age that average people marry you have very little opportunity for friendship, because people are quite occupied with their family to have any significant amount of time for other people. And if they do mingle with other people, it is with married people with kids, since kids have to play with someone. My experience of a single person is that a married friend is close to a buried fiend. So, you can have single friends? Yeah, right. The catch is there are very few single people. As for the church community, up until recently I was a lifelong member of the same parish which is quite like the average parish of my town (I am not in America, but in one mostly catholic country in Europe). You can go there to mass on Sunday, and you can go there to mass on workday, and that’s about it. Doesn’t make you any less lonely then you are without it. Btw, it is on the walking distance from my home, as is the case with most of the parishes in my country, and it doesn’t change much, so that about living on the walking distance from the church which I also read here is another pile of crap. As for the godparenting, I for one am not godparent to anyone, but it happens to be that my baptismal godparent is a single lady from my (not very close) kin. I hardly know what she looks like, and I am not sure I would recognize her on the street. Geeez, what a great amount of life she was surrounded all these years through that godparenting. So, I would say that it is true that church calls even single heterosexual people to celibacy, but is is a great lie that it isn’t lonely life. This whole post comes to something of a ‘yo, you homosexual people, how can you blame church for calling you to celibacy, and complaining you would be lonely, look to single heterosexual catholic people, they are also called to celibacy, but they are not at all lonely, they are joyous and full of life’. It is one big bullshit!

I got married at 35, which is well above the average age of marriage, and I can’t say that I was lonely most of the time.  My social life then was much better than it is now (as a married mother), and I had much more time and opportunity for friendships.  I did miss the physical affection that is more frequent with marriage and children, but otherwise I was content with my life.  I didn’t think I was ever going to get married, and I was okay with that.  And yes, I was celibate at the time.

Unfortunately our Church has done a POOR job of ministering to SINGLES. There is some effort for the 21-35 age brackett BUT 36 and above——forget it. You feel like a second class citizen during Mass; all you hear are events for kids, families, and couples. When you do venture into Parish life you are NOT part of the mainstream because of your single status. When Holidays role around folks know you are single and the holiday INVITES do not seem to arrive or they arrive 2 days before out of pity. The population of the Single is rapidily rising. The Church needs to get thier act together.

As a former R.C. priest, it never ceases to amaze me how Catholics think it is THEIR BUSINESS to decide how OTHER people should live.  They might do a much better job of managing THEIR OWN LIVES if they stopped pontificating about EVERYBODY ELSE’S life!

Thank you for writing this and for your prayers!  As single Catholics, we definitely need them.  I would also encourage families and married couples to maintain or create friendships with singles because it does get tough, especially at the parish level, to feel like one fits in and has a role as a single Catholic.  Whenever it is tough and it feels like the Church is not supporting singles, I think of John 6:68 when Peter asks,“Lord, to whom would we go?”

PS: want to find happiness and fill the loneliness void? Stop asking what the world can do for you to make you happy and then see what you can do for the world and those around you. It’s amazing how your life will change. When we focus on ourselves our world gets really small and really boring really fast! Been there, done that!

I agree with everything I’ve read here: the article and the comments.  The article is lovely and describes how beautiful living your faith out, even as a single Catholic could be.  The comments remind me that it’s not an easy thing to do.

Maybe if single Catholics became a more visible (and vocal) witness to the faith and the single life, the Church would stop ignoring us and treating us as if we don’t exist.  Then, maybe being a single Catholic witness to the world wouldn’t be so lonely.

I became upset a couple of times with certain Catholic events publicised for what they call the “young adult” (16-35) which is apparently the WYD age bracket. Who is the 35 yr old kidding being classed as “young” against a 16 yr old?! So let’s not complain about the 35 yr old mother who has not accepted her age and is living like a college kid because we seem to be sending the same message as the secular world that she’s just as young as the 16 yr old! This whole fixture is illogical, nonsensical and random. The next stage must be simply “adult” (36-60 ??)- equally random. I’m also baffled by how a 35 yr old can relate to a 16 yr old in for instance, a vocation seminar, or have a philosophical discussion on theology that s/he could not more aptly and sincerely have with a 40 yr old? In truth, the latter is closer to the 35 yr old person’s experience, intellect, maturity…maybe not…!

I am a 53-year-old woman who was married way back in my 20’s and divorced and received an annulment in my early 30’s.  I always thought I would marry and have children but it hasn’t happened yet (and children are now out of the question).  My parish has nothing for single people.  Like others have said, the emphasis is on families and teens.  Though I have other single friends, my life is painfully lonely (even if I go out bike riding or out to dinner with friends).  I do have three siblings but they don’t have any children so I’m not an aunt to anybody.  I am also not a godmother to anybody.  I tried twice for religious life, but I flunked obedience.  The hardest part is having no human contact, never a hug or an embrace or a touch.  The most I usually receive in a week is a hand shake during the sign of peace at Sunday Mass.  I make a point of going to the very early Sunday Mass so I don’t have to be surrounded by married people with their children (which I would have happily had but it just hasn’t happened.  As far as I’m concerned, the chaste single Catholic life is lonely and very painful to live with.

When i was engaged, one of my best friends—who was living with the man who would eventually be her husband, once he figured out he wanted to marry her—asked me if I was having sex with my fiance. I said no, he was a devout Catholic and I was rediscovering my faith and we were committed to chastity and not having sex until after our wedding. 

Her response has always stuck with me: “How do you NOT?”  Well, i didn’t know how to answer her. I had previously been in a relationship where I was engaged and did have sex, and it only led to misery and despair, once the guy decided that since we’d had sex he was entitled to it when he wanted it.  I said, “Well, how do you NOT step in front of a moving vehicle?” I was avoiding a behavior that I knew could, potentially, cause me misery and despair. God’s laws aren’t designed to punish us. They’re there to help us live our best life possible.  I think our culture has done a wonderful job of making sure everyone thinks sex is the only way to show we love somebody and to feel connected to them.

And here is one comment:

want to find happiness and fill the loneliness void? Stop asking what the world can do for you to make you happy and then see what you can do for the world and those around you.

Really? And I thought that if you want to be happy you need to go to church regularly, to pray and to lead a chaste life. :rolleyes: What happened to that statement? Ay? It is even stated here in the post. So, when it turns out it is not quite so, then we will turn to some other recipe? Geeez…

I am astounded at the emphasis put on sexual activity as the only sign for love. How many people think their parents are still getting it on with the same frequency as they did when they married? For that matter, how many people reading this and married more than a couple of years, with or without children, who are engaging in marital intimacy at the same rate?

Sexual expression has its day, its time, its place. It fades over time as the body ages, but it has done its procreative and unifying work before then, hopefully. Love never needs to stop, although it takes different forms through life.

Spoken as a divorced-and-annulled woman who missed her chance for children and finds loving and being loved by family and friends and God to be enough, even though I miss physical intimacy and being important to one other person.

As someone who got married in her early thirties (and remained a virgin until marriage) I had a lot of experience with being a single Catholic.  Here are my thoughts:

1) I would agree the term “young adult group” is pretty lame.  Almost everyone in a young adult group is single looking to meet someone so why not just call it a singles group and then any age can join.  It’s definitely true that the older singles get left out.
2) I was involved in a lot of charitable activities and had really good Catholic friends and was not lonely.  Wanted to get married, yes, but I was always a mover and shaker and didn’t sit around waiting for someone to make me happy.
3) Don’t wait for the parish or the diocese to do something for you.  YOU do something.  You are perfectly capable of starting a parish singles group, even a group specifically for older singles.  Any pastor would be happy to have something like that.  Or start a non-parish based Catholic study group or something.  Get involved in charitable, pro-life or Catholic causes.  You will find fulfillment, friends and maybe even future spouse.  The more you get outside of yourself and help others the less time and energy you have to feel sorry for yourself.
4)  To remain chaste, surround yourself with devout Catholics, whether married or single.  I had no problem remaining chaste because all my friends, my whole circle, were also trying to be chaste.  I avoided making friends at work where most people had very different values.  I made friends in my after-work activities which were faith-based.
5) Invite people over to your place for dinner, whether married people or single people.  Don’t wait around for them to invite you.

Monica thank you!  Your comment was beautiful and well put and exactly what I was going to say.

AMEN to Monica’s comment - the most helpful suggestions yet here to single Catholics.  Self-pity and passivity are not productive - being more active in creating your happiness - and truly thinking about others in more of our actions rather than focusing on how one can gain something from any situation (and acting, of course, with guidance from the Holy Spirit) is much more fulfilling than waiting for one’s White Knight on a horse (in whatever form) to save one from a life of loneliness.  It does work wonders.  Know also that you are pleasing God in thinking more of others in your thought and action.  Praying the rosary daily, praying for others does help one put others first, too.  When we become too focused on just ourselves, it can lead to frustration and sadness.  I have been there many times (before my reversion to the Faith several months ago).

My calling is definitely to celibate chastity in singleheartedness for Jesus, though I am not suitable for formal forms of consecrated life due to a combination of disabilities. I am 34. One of the most amazing and disheartening things has been my former pastor, a big promoter of marriage, being consistently negative toward the choice of celibate chastity, especially outside of formal religious life. What I saw as truly a positive and loving choice responding to the love of God, he did not seem to see as contributing anything or being desirable in any way.

Another commenter mentioned young adult groups. I also am concerned by this phenomenon because I am at the point in my life where my interests are not specifically youth interests and I am interested in forming friendships for the long term, and the focus on social groups that one “graduates out of” at some point is actually quite discouraging. These groups offer good features unavailable here in mixed-age settings but in most cases it’s not really that clear to me why it isn’t just an all-ages-welcome program. My best friends in my parish are actually adults outside of the age range of those programs, some of whom are frustrated they’re excluded, for instance from speakers they would be quite interested in.

So there you have it, singles, straight from Monica the Mom: the answer is do more and try harder. Sounds like something out of a Tony Robbins seminar to me, but whatevs works, right?

Sex Sex Sex.  I feel like so many people on these blogs are obsessed with sex.  And a lot of them are married NFP proponents.  They talk about what a sacrifice it is, blah blah blah.  I wonder what those people do when one spouse has surgery or a baby or is undergoing chemo or is exhausted from caring for a sick child or elderly parent.  Married people have to abstain all the time and if they’re mentally healthy and mature about it, they’ll do it. 
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Sex is but a part of marriage but it isn’t great in and of itself - any dog in heat can have sex.  What makes sex great is that it occurs between two people completely committed to each other through a lifetime of richer and poorer,  sickness and health.    It’s the commitment that makes sex awesome.  A commitment that comes out of awesome sex or **the presumed possibility of it** is fraught with problems and likely doomed to misery.  Stop focusing on sex!   
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I’m not advocating sleeping around but if you think going to church, praying, and leading a chaste life is all that’s required to find a life mate, you’re deluding yourself.  And you were sorely misled.  Put yourself out there.  Hang out with some (perhaps likely) unchaste people after work and you may find yourself enjoying yourself (without compromising your own morals, of course).  Happy people are attractive.  A previously unchaste but decent man will be willing to wait for marriage if you’re the right woman for him. 
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Loneliness is an awful thing.  I ache for Helene above.  And I understand that need for human interaction.  I am so sorry if I’ve been at church and have only bowed to you at the handshake - rest assured I was battling a difficult cold.    Helene, you seem to have so much love to give - would fostering/adopting a child be a possibility for you?

hmmm… I think I disagree with some of the sentiments of this post too.  I am a practicing, active Catholic and I am part of a healthy Catholic community.  I also wasn’t practicing (nor did I know) my faith properly in my early 20’s and wasn’t chaste - so I have lived on both sides of single.

I think both practicing Catholic singles and secular singles are lonely. 
Eating dinner, lunch, and breakfast by yourself most of the time is lonely.  Arriving at Mass, at parties, at family functions can be lonely. Going grocery shopping for one is lonely.  Having no one know if you come home at night or get out of bed in the morning is lonely.

I grew up in a fairly big, affectionate, Catholic family.  College was the first time I experienced real physical loneliness -no hugs, no kisses, no healthy human touch. I didn’t understand that sort of loneliness and sought out physical closeness with boyfriends to solve it.

I was also never without children around until college but from college on I really have to seek out opportunities to be with little ones and after all my ‘safe environment’ training from the archdioceses, I am slightly terrified to interact naturally with the kids I do see. I long to be a mother, so again, I am left with aching loneliness.

However, I would say being a practicing Catholic-lonely-single is definitely more fulfilling than being a secular-lonely-single because my loneliness means that I have chosen to be faithful to my Lord.  My loneliness means that I can receive the Eucharist with a pure heart and all its benefits.

Being a Catholic allows me to offer my loneliness to my God and then look for the fruits of my sacrifice in my own life and in the lives of those around me.  I think more than having my loneliness alleviated, I have started to see it as a tool to build in me a better life with more resolve.  My loneliness is bearable because it is fruitful.  It is to say ‘yes’ to God and to the hope of salvation.

I think, it might be good to tell singles that it’s okay to feel lonely because just like with sorrow, loneliness can coexist in your heart with joy – imitating our Lady’s heart.

Our loneliness is not a reason to be unfaithful to God. Our loneliness is a reason to embrace Him more intensely so we can still be left fulfilled - even if we aren’t instantly gratified.  Christ was so kind to leave us the Eucharist so we can be physically loved by Him on earth.  I love holding the Eucharist on my tongue and thinking how it is better than any kiss I have received or ever will because I am holding in me pure love – healing, cleansing, strengthening, hopeful love.

Every state of life comes with difficulties.  The single life is lonely.  The difference is that the Catholic life can also always be joyful and fruitful– because it is not fulfilled by the world but in Christ –who is source of life and love.

Thank you for the offer of prayers - they are always necessary :)

Son of SkiFree Champion:  did you miss the part about how Monica the Mom was single until her early thirties, and managed to remain chaste?  She has ample experience in this area and her suggestions are right on target.

Justine:  going to Church, praying regularly and leading a chaste life is not contradictory to seeing what you can contribute to the world.  What are you so bitter about?

Rev Ray:  your comment is unhelpful and has little do do with this thread.

It is not about sex.  It is about loneliness.  The life of the single Catholic is pretty darn bleak.

P.S.  Loneliness is not relegated to single people.  Many stay at home moms feel just as lonely.  As a homeschooling stay-at-home mom I feel way more isolated than when I was single.  A month may go by without me speaking to another adult socially besides my husband who works hard then comes home and we go off in different directions taking kids to their activities. I am lucky to speak to him 5 minutes alone on weekdays and I can’t bother him at work. Neither of our extended families live close to us.  When I was single I was always around people.  But this is my vocation and despite its challenges, I embrace it and work hard at it.  Every state you happen to be in involves crosses and sacrifices.  The key is to be the holiest single person, the holiest married person or the holiest religious life person you can be.  Life is never bleak if you have a close relationship with the Lord.

Thanks for writing this Jennifer… I was wondering just yesterday about Emily’s articles.  Seems that she wrote one two months ago and then nothing.  Then I thought, maybe she’s not on the sidebar with the bloggers… but if she’s written anything since… the NCR certainly isn’t emphasizing it in red like other articles!
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As for the single life and loneliness….  I’ve been abstinent for years and to be honest, sometimes I am lonely and other times I don’t even have a moment for myself in a week.
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But the Godparent comment is laughable.  I am Godmother to four children…  my niece who is grown, and whose mother actively kept me out of her life. Another is the daughter of my best friend from college who doesn’t bother to keep in touch since I moved a state away (Yes, I’ve done everything to maintain the friendship but now that it’s obviously one-sided - I’ve stopped trying.  She couldn’t even bother to come to my father’s funeral which took place in her state, not mine.) 
Finally, I am godmother to two young daughters of a good friend.  She makes the most effort to make sure I am involved with her girls - and that is partly because she is divorced from their father, which makes us both ‘single’ women. If she were still married, I’m sure she wouldn’t have as much time for me.
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and as for this comment : “want to find happiness and fill the loneliness void? Stop asking what the world can do for you to make you happy and then see what you can do for the world and those around you.”
— Well that’s really easy to say. Tougher to do.
I have a dear friend who suffered through singleness worse than I have (despite that I’m older)  and now that she’s married and has a baby she told me -TOLD ME - that they are going to have to cut out most of their single friends because they just don’t have the time for them, but not me… she’s not going to cut me out.  Oh whew.
But what are these other friends going to do? they’re losing good friends, cut out of their lives just because they haven’t married and reproduced.
You know, I always suspected that happens - and now I see it’s true.
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So before you tell single people that they’re responsible for their own happiness… to make friends and live full lives… think about whether your the type that cuts off her single friends once you’re living the life you’ve dreamed of.  It’s not really fair to tell single people not to be upset when their friends bail on them…. and all the married couples at church don’t want to hang out with them, and the priests don’t seem to care about them either.
There comes a point when having to make new friends to replace the ones that bail on you one they get married - simply becomes exhausting.

Without a doubt being single is a cross. I would say that marriage is a cross, too, but each is a cross in it’s own way.

I have been both very lonely and very fulfilled being single, so I get Justine’s point, very much. Monica did make excellent points as well. Go out and create a group!

In the end, whatever our cross, we have to be willing to embrace it and carry it. k.r. made some great points.

However, I would beg married people to be much less willing to dish out advice and much more willing to give friendship and a listening ear. You are living out your vocation while many of us are not but long too. We need friendships with people out own age, but without the unhelpful advice. It we have a good friendship with you, we’ll ask you questions.

Well, I certainly didn’t ditch my single friends when I got married.  I go out with my best friend, who’s single, more often than I go out with my husband.  It’s hard on my budget, but I do it because our friendship is a priority, and because I remember quite well what it’s like to be single.

To be a single Catholic beyond a certain age is to be cut off from the community, cut off from from friends and to be totally miserable at family events where everyone is married and has kids.  It’s to even hard go to theater or restaurants where people go as couples because everyone else is married or has a companion and you’re not or you don’t.  Prime time Sunday mass where there are a lot of families with kids is like social Siberia.  Even friends that don’t cut you off are hard to be with because again, they are married, and you’re not.  It is obviously unhealthy to dwell on this, but it’s also a reality.  It is very hard to see happy Catholic married couples—whose happiness you don’t envy or begrudge them in the slightest—without feeling your own loneliness more keenly than ever.  I submit that stay at home moms have their challenges and croses, but nothing like the total constant searing isolation that singles feel on a more or less permanent basis.  If there were a way for Catholic singles in today’s society do not be lonely all the time except when we are so busy we can’t think of anything else then maybe we could set a better example.  We do have the opportunity for prayer, adoration, daily mass, and Sunday mass very early in the morning when there are not so many families with children in the church.  But as other commenters say here, it is not easy at all.

I don’t have any single friends (I was the last of my girlfriends to get married) but if I did I would love to get together since I don’t have any married friends either.  Part of this is due to moving and part is due to the homeschooling moms all have a pack of kids and don’t have time to give to anyone, including themselves, their husbands, or potential friends.  I had way more friends when I was single!

Me too Monica.  I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate my husband and son, or that I would trade them for the single life.  I do think that some crosses are heavier than others.  But boy do I miss the social life I had when I was single!  When I was single and it didn’t look like marriage was in my future, my attitude was that happy marriages are few and far between, and I would much rather be single than be in a bad marriage.  So I made the best of being single, and other than longing for the physical affection (I’m not talking about sex) that is available on a daily basis for married women and mothers, I was perfectly content.  Because I made the most of the situation, had meaningful relationships, and found fulfilling ways to spend my time.  I still miss the amount of time to myself that I had when I was single.  I loved it so much that marriage was a huge adjustment for me.

Jen-  I think your post is great and I wish most average Catholics were willing to live this witness.  The fact is though, the average Catholic single does not practice a chaste life and those that do are small in number.  Not to mention that they are usually regarded as the oddities among most Catholic singles.  And those who aren’t chaste are people with a strong faith in every other way.  But when it comes to sex and chastity, the secular world won that battle.

In response to the Reverend Ray Dubuque, I’d like to ask what, if anything, he thinks Christianity is but the commitment to share with others the eternal, unchanging truths which Jesus taught bring is into full communion with him?  I’m not quite sure what his current beliefs are, but I think the implications of his position that the Roman Catholic Church has no right to tell people how to live their lives is grounded in the popular assumption that it has no legitimate claim to ultimate authority.  If the Church doesn’t possess this authority, then I would agree with your statement, however derogatorily it was intended.  However, if Jesus actually was Lord, then he could rightly invoke his divine authority in telling others how to best live their lives.  This does not mean that he coerced people into respecting his authority, but rather spoke objective truths regardless of how popular those things happened to be.  He then transferred that authority to his Church so that they would continue to shepherd his flock into TRUTH, however unacceptable it was according to secular ideals.  So my question to the Rev. would be was Jesus also wrong to tell others how it was best to live?  Of course not! If someone (Jesus through the Church he established) has ultimate authority toto tell people how it is best to live, then it should not be unfathomable that he does it.  Rather, it would be unconscionable if he didn’t.  God Bless you, sir! I hope you come home to the Church soon to partake in the precious gifts of the Sacraments that Jesus gives us to sustain us with his grace!

“Ego sum via et veritas et vita”

Sad to see so many people, even Catholics falling for Satan’s lie.  I have been divorced 32 years, Catholic 24 years.  The years between I fell for the lie.  I am much much happier now as a faithful catholic.  To those whiny people who want the church to make them happy:  The church is here to provide a way for you to serve Jesus.  Loving and serving Jesus is the secret of happiness.

@Cubs Fan - I’m sorry about family events being miserable for you.  Is there anything the marrieds could be doing to make them more inviting for you?    My husband and I strive to have a very welcoming home - we hold nearly all the family parties - which are generally large (upwards of 50).  It has never occurred to me that some of the singles (we usually get 4 or 5 plus the recent college grads) might feel left out.    I don’t worry so much about the people with young kids as God knows our house is kid friendly.  I worry about the elderly that they’ll have a comfortable place to sit.  I worry about the teens that they’ll have some place for themselves (but not too remote!).  I worry about the vegans and the beer drinkers and the diabetics, but I’ve never thought about single people as a category.  Is our large group eclectic enough (eclectic as a group of mostly Irish Catholics can be) or is there something obvious I’m not considering?

“The life of the single Catholic is pretty darn bleak.”
Perhaps you attribute this bleakness to the wrong cause: I note you go by “Cubs Fan”...
(Sorry, couldn’t resist.)
I think the polar opposite replies here have to do less with one side being wrong or naive, and more to do with the fact that personality (outgoing vs. homebody) and area of the country (or world) play a big part.  There are way more Catholic singles in D.C. than in, say, Birmingham AL.  So experiences and potential solutions will be very different. 
But the point of the article (as far as I could see) wasn’t that single life is all rainbows and stars, or that no one single is ever lonely.  The point was that sex isn’t a cure for loneliness and lack of sex doesn’t cause loneliness. As noted in the piece, without a foundation in God, we’ll be lonely no matter what.  With Him, the loneliness, while still a very real cross, is at least given meaning *as* a cross, not just a pointless holding pattern. And chaste singles who can find joy whatever their state in life are a witness to that. (Rather like married couples who stick it out joyfully even when it’s for worse/poorer/in sickness witness that marriage isn’t merely about self-fulfillment, to be escaped whenever it doesn’t measure up.)     

At the risk of getting pelted by other commenters, I’ll take a stab at answering the common secular objection to chastity that Mrs. Fulwiler quotes.

Question: “How do you expect people to live without sex?!”

Answer: “It’s much easier if you’ve never done it.”

I don’t say that to cast blame on modern day St. Augustines and St. Mary Magdalenes AT ALL—I am in awe of people who’ve made mistakes, and go on to live chaste and holy lives.  But, setting the wonder of repentance aside, the fact remains that inexperience/innocence makes it a LOT easier to be chaste.  One simply doesn’t have the same mental and physical images, the same physiological reactions, etc.  In a sense, the Catholic single who has always lived a chaste life has a much easier time of it (sexually, though NOT socially) than the free-wheeling secular it’s-just-like-breathing-and-eating person would believe.

This is ridiculous. Do you really think you can tell an entire group of people “look, you can’t have sex with someone you love. Never. It is never ever going to be an option for you…but hey! You can have all the platonic friendships you want! Basically just as good! Yay!”? Seriously?
 
You know, I think this is the problem. Most people DO want to be in a committed relationship (with sex), and even if you’re single, you at least have the hope that one day that will change. You can be perfectly happy being single, but there is still usually a hope of a future where you are not. Being told that you are single now and forever and will be gravely sinning if you ever change that - that would be an enormous slap in the face. It’s not a matter of “I don’t see any happy single people!”, it’s a matter of recognizing that being single NOW versus being single FOREVER is nowhere near the same thing.

Julia, as Christians we realize that the cards are not in our hands.  God’s will be done.  Being single now and being single forever are different, yes, but we live life day by day.  I don’t see it as a slap in the face at all.  A challenge, a cross, yes, but a slap in the face?  Eh.  God’s grace will help us through it, if we let Him.

Dear Eileen.  Thanks for your concern.  Probably the single best thing you can do is get singles involved in conversations we can be part of.  Family events can be wonderful, but often the conversation is about married couple life or life with kids, etc.  The groups that gather are generally all couples.  If singles can be part of something, the isolaition is not bad.

As for someone who has been chaste for decades, I can only reiterate is about the loneliness and social lockout, not the sex.  Life is clearly going to be much harder long term for the secular singles who have been sexually active at some point or still are currently.  It’s like taking a drink.  The best way to keep it under control is to not start.  We are also not doing others a favor by telling them that self-defeating and self-destructive lifestyles are just fine. 

The Church does need the witness of single people living happy, productive chaste lives.  It is just unfortunate that the Church treats single Catholics as invisbile at best and whiners at worst.  Or people who are perpetually at the emotional age of 22.  You would see our witness if there was more community for us.  And both encouragement and prayers for single Catholics staying chaste into their 30s and beyond.

Amen!  I love what Peter Kreeft wrote about confusing selfish love with self-less love:  When we try to “grasp” at the light, we darken it.  So, so true.
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...and who can forget that iconic Bernini sculpture of Teresa of Avila, in ecstatic union with God, inspired by what she describes in her autobiography.  *Clearly the woman is not lonely*.

@Cubs Fan - thank you for your reply.  I will pay special attention at our next gatherings (and there are two that I can think of before Thanksgiving).  I’m glad to see these articles because I like concrete to do lists.      I may also suggest at our next Adult Faith Formation meeting that we put a blurb in the bulletin for a meetup at a local bar for Single Catholics (as opposed to “Young”).    I’m pretty sure I can get a couple of the teachers in the parish school to attend and act as point people even though they don’t actually live in our parish.
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But is that the sort of thing that would be helpful?  A social club?  My thought is that once there’s an established social club (going to ball games, bowling, concerts, pub nights, etc.) we can include the group when we need volunteers for different parish projects and there’ll be more interaction.  I know for myself it was only when I became involved as a parish school mom that I began meeting senior citizens in the parish when we worked on joint projects.  I don’t really meet singles (other than widows) in the food drives or the pro-life collection or the groundswork, but I suspect the singles feel like outsiders (like I did) in our suburban parish where everyone else seems to know each other.

I already commented the sentence from the post which says Catholics living chastely would not be so lonely, and there is another (its complement) which says something of a how people who violate catholic boundaries on sexuality will end up on a path to loneliness. So, that is the theory. Comparing it to a practice, there are a lot of people here in comments testifying to the opposite. At least to the part that living as a single catholic can, as a matter of fact, be a very lonely business. On the other hand, I know a lot of people (and it is not hard to know them these days) who did violate catholic boundaries on human sexuality, by having sex before marriage, or by starting relationships as friends with benefits, or something like that, that today have reasonably stable marriage with that person. So they did not end up in loneliness as the theory states. Lot of people here turned the comments in the direction ‘what can married people do to help’ or ‘activate yourself’ or something like that. But that is not the point. At least not the way I see it. The main point of concern to me is that it all indicates that THE THEORY IS FALSE!!! And then the one basic question arises, and that is - why oh why should one live chastely?? Why oh why should someone mind what says the person or the group who usually turns out to be wrong? The way I see it, one can choose to live chastely if he finds it the least bad option (I for one am not a fan of casual sex or relationships, but on the other hand I know people who are today in committed relationships which started off quite loosely, so…), but not because the church preaches it if that church also preaches a sac of obvious crap.

Eileen-  please forgive me for jumping into the middle of your discussion with Cubs Fan, but I would like to add a comment to your question about activities for singles.

Volunteer projects are a great way to include singles and I know from experience that many singles are interested in volunteering.  I’ve been active in single or young adult groups in Dallas for over 5 years now, and when I was in a leadership position in one group, noticed that almost every new member wanted to know about our volunteer activities.  Volunteer activities are a great, non-threatening and non-“meat market” way to meet people.  You just need to get the word out that singles are wanted for volunteer projects and make them feel welcome once they’re there.  I’ve volunteered as a CCD teacher and VBS volunteer at my parish for 3 years and the moms have always made me feel welcome and included.  They let me know how much they appreciate me giving my time to help out when I don’t have kids of my own in the programs.  A little encouragement can go a long way to getting singles involved more in their parishes.

As a recent college graduate who has since witnessed (joyfully, I might add!) the marriages of several good friends, I agree that it can be difficult at times to not view marriage as a sort of ‘farewell’ party. I usually don’t hear from recently married friends for at least several months afterwards, and even then, it is usually when I reach out to them first. I don’t think this is ever out of neglect, but the social adjustments can be difficult for the still single folks. In spite of the trials, I usually come around to view this as a good thing overall-your relationships with others SHOULD change once you ‘bind’ yourself to your spouse (otherwise I think something would be awry), but it doesn’t mean abandoning all contact with the outside world, which some couples tend to do once they are married.

One thing I have thought about considerably as I enter the workforce, especially since I travel/have moved several times in a short time span, is that there is really only one good solution for all the single folks struggling with parish life: either get married, or live in community. The struggles of single people, young or old, are a testament to the fact that we all need a ‘family’ of some kind, and this cannot be provided by weekly church suppers or faith-sharing groups. I would LOVE to be involved in a parish community to help facilitate some of the activities others have mentioned in this thread, or just be part of a parish community period, but it is virtually impossible when one is constantly in such a state of transition. Case in point: I have lived in 4 different cities within the past 3 years. A good number of young adults fresh out of college work on a rotational calendar that has them re-locate ever year or 6 months. It’s not that young adults don’t want to help build a good parish community for single people, but we’re just not in one place long enough to do this effectively (and modern career development programs don’t lend themselves to ‘settling down’ in any sense). Getting married or joining a community, whether that be lay or religious (or just having the same housemates for a few years!), tends to force people to settle down in one place so as to facilitate stability. There have been some talk in the media recently that more people are living along today than ever-I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there are hordes of struggling singles out there. I don’t think there is really anything that parishes, pastoral staff, and married couples can do to solve this problem ipso facto-the way I see it, the innate need for communion is the foundation for marriage/religious life/lay communities, and if we try to remedy that problem any other way, we will always be frustrated an unfulfilled.

Quite frankly, the Church does a lousy job of “ministering” to single people because it does not provide a real sense of community anymore.  Ans I am NOT talking about the “community” we always hear whined about by the “greeters” or the “lay ministers”, I am talking about the true sense of family.

When the Bishops destroyed the Catholic ghetto so that we could evangelize the world, they left a hell of a lot of orphans.  The fact is the “ghetto” protected her children and also provided a sense of family.

Maybe there could have been something in the middle, in medias res - at that time.  But, now, I fear it is futile to expect it.  Best to rebuild a ghetto and reevangelize our own through it.

I should add that the most important thing parishes and individuals can do to make single people feel welcome is to make sacramental life the heart of your communities. Ensure that there is daily Mass, adoration, priests available for confession, an atmosphere of reverence, etc. I am very tired of re-locating to new cities where it seems like every parish has social groups or book clubs of every kind imaginable, but only have Mass on the weekends, don’t have proper respect for the Eucharist, etc. If the only thing singles cared about was meeting people, we could just go to the local coffee shop or yoga studio. Since focusing on our relationship with Christ is so vital to living a vibrant single/celibate life, a parish community that doesn’t have the conditions for a good spiritual life can make one feel more isolated than any lack of single-person support ministry.

Annette, I don’t think the secular world has won the battle against chastity yet. I am a single ex-atheist who used to be unchaste. My girlfriend is not religious but she respects my new mores. We started dating prior to my conversion, and we have stopped sleeping over one another’s houses and being sexually active together. We have never been happier together than we are now. You do not have to believe in God to understand the benefits of chastity, if only you are willing to give it an honest try.

The secular world will come around to respect natural law, which embraces the virtue of chastity without committing itself to any particular religious faith, or it will decay into nothingness, to be replaced after a dark age by the next great civilization. It’s as simple as that. And for those who live in Christ, whether one is celibate or married everything takes on a new meaning because it is no longer just about one’s temporal happiness. Being single, whether one is a priest, religious, or layman, is a higher vocation made possible by a special grace; Jesus said that for some it would not be possible (Matthew 19, 11-12). For those who cannot follow that word, marriage remains sacred. But marriage is something that is passing away, and the gift of celibacy is a sign of this. So I agree with Jennifer that single Catholics have an especially important part to play in the New Evangelization.

Oh my, quite an open dialog on this topic.
I would like to add some of my many observations. Most singles in the pews of catholic parishes are invisible. They are not a priority for anyone but themselves. An exception might be an extraordinarily visually attractive person, as in the world. Parishioners are worldly people too.
The Church’s mission is to sanctify, meaning provide God’s graces and thereby save souls, not provide a social life for lonely worshipers. Priests, who lead lonely lives, generally make lousy social directors. Since all authority and responsibility resides with pastors, if they don’t lead, nothing happens.
Suffering is our mission, not sexual satisfaction, as they see it. If our catholic brethren ignore us, know that they are ignoring everyone outside their circle. It’s not personal, just American.
Sinners have all the fun in our world. If we value fun more than holiness, we’re in the wrong house.
Protestant communities do a much better job of acknowledging and providing for human social needs. Their pastors have a family life and seem better acquainted and motivated at providing a friendly environment. Congregations hire and fire their pastors after all. Catholics are a captive audience. I have visited many Protestant congregations with friends and have long wished God’s priests would check out the competition more often. I have not kept secret that catholic churches are occupied by ice cubes in a tray. No one seems to care.
That said, I love God and His Church more than anything. The pain of being ignored by His people is something Jesus knows well.

I agree with what you say, Jen, so far as the importance of chastity. But there’s something that just strikes a wrong chord with me in such conversations as this post. As a single woman (27) faithful to Church teaching, I struggle with the idea of making something so personal and intimate to myself (my chastity and faithful-to-Church sex life) as a witness to the world in any forum other than an anonymous blog comment. Quite honestly, it’s no one’s business whether or not I’m sexually active. It’s no one’s business if I’m on the pill or not. And at the end of the day, it’s not my place to have a conversation with my coworker or acquaintance or anyone else in my social circle about such things, either. Perhaps with close girlfriends, I’ll discuss these matters if I feel the Holy Spirit nudging me, but that is rare. It’s annoying when non-single people write viewpoints about singles and how much witness we can be to an oversexualized culture. I don’t want to be! (I love Jen’s writing and follow her faithfully, so I really don’t mean to be harsh in that statement). I understand the importance of sticking to truth and being a witness with your life ... hate that my singleness is boiled down to—“But hey! You can at least be the poster child for how awesome/holy/true/sexually freeing single life is by sharing your personal life with strangers or near-strangers!” My singleness is something I really don’t like being defined by. I dislike feeling pressured to overshare “with the world” under the guise of evangelizing, especially when tons of men would love the victory of getting, let’s say, a virgin into bed. Sorry for my ramblings :)

@ Daniel-  to clarify my point, I was speaking specifically of the majority of single Catholics I know who have a strong practice of faith but not when it comes to chastity.  The secular world has one the battle for them on that front.  I’ve had friends who are strong Catholics in many other aspects remark that the Church doesn’t know what it’s talking about when it comes to sex or sexual practices or discourage me from telling a man early on in dating that I practice chastity.

Annette, thank you for clarifying your point. But I have a question: what kind of faith says “the Church doesn’t know what it’s talking about?” It doesn’t matter how strong the practice is in other respects, if the faith isn’t there. The battle is still on for the souls of those of your friends who take that attitude. Please don’t think that the secular world has finally won them over. If there is hope for an atheist then there is hope for them. God bless!

Some great comments here… and if I may, I’d like to add to Eileen and Cubs Fan’s conversation…with ideas that should be helpful for the rest of us.
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@ Eileen - first…  you refer to the single people in your family as recent college graduates, and I think Cubs Fan is referring to those of us who have been single for decades.  Really not the same thing.
When I get together with relatives, it’s all about their kid’s summer vacation, or starting preschool, or successful potty training…  how is an adult without children supposed to contribute to that conversation? Other parents will share their kid’s experiences—but if I offer my own experience with my first day of kindergarten - I get weird looks like I’m talking about myself… but guess what? I was my last childhood experience.  And God help us if we have to talk about poop!!  Come on!
In rare cases where someone asks about my dating life - well, they might as well prepare for horror stories! Then I sound like I’m complaining.
How about conversations about your favorite place to hike, or most affordable, wonderful vacations - weekend getaways. Please don’t tell me about your wonderful extravagant vacation - because as a single person… I never get to take vacations.  When you’re single… every allotted vacation day is used up going home for Christmas, or for a niece or nephew’s graduation, or your parent’s anniversary party…. just ONCE i’d like to go someplace I haven’t been.
Oh, and as parents, don’t guilt your adult children for only being home for 2-3 days at Christmas…. it’s likely they’re trying to save up vacation days for a REAL vacation.  God knows they deserve it!  And if you want them home for holidays or other events…  consider paying for the plane ticket once in a while - especially if you NEVER go visit them.
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just include the adult singles like grown ups.  At least half the time, offer topics that are openings for people without children and without spouses.
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and for everyone else… quit volunteering the singles for all the stuff you don’t want to do at church.  We’ll volunteer when it’s the right fit - but we’re pretty busy getting groceries by ourselves, doing laundry by ourselves, cleaning house and doing dishes… you know, things you have TWO PEOPLE to do that we have do by ourselves while also finding time to exercise, get the car’s oil changed,
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Just invite us over for dinner.  We’ll put your kids to bed while you do dishes.
when I got to tuck a child into bed one night…. I sucked that experience in… .something I’d love to every night, but I’m missing that part of life.
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Single people are not recent college graduates…. their the people who are still single at YOUR age while you’re thinking about your kids getting ready for college!!!!

Oh…and for Thanksgiving or Christmas family gatherings… would it kill you to invite an eligible single person for dinner or cocktail hour for your single relative to meet?

I have to say I am intrigued by this discussion for several reasons.  Specifically, I wonder what those who say that only sex will prevent loneliness would say to the following situations:
1.  My great aunt who never married nor had a “significant other,” but was always in the very center of our lives and the life of her community.
2.  My 45 year old married friend whose husband in now paralyzed.  Can she never by happy again?
3.  My 28 year-old-self, or my same-sex room mate before we each married.  Though we lived together, ate together,served in the church together and even cared for each other when we were sick, because our relationship was not sexual, would they say it was meaningless.  I assure them it was not.

My heart goes out to all the commenters who have expressed such loneliness and the feeling of being invisible to most of the Catholic community.

I find it interesting that so many of the commenters above are female. As a married father in my 30s who is very active in my parish and fairly well-connected in the local Catholic community, I have often been asked whether I know a “nice Catholic guy” who might be a good match for a single woman, usually in her late 20s or early 30s. I’ll look through my Facebook and telephone contacts and think about the people I know from church and in my social and professional circles. I keep coming up empty, because all the men I know are either married, too young, unchaste, extremely weird, or seminarians.

I feel really bad for these women. Obviously, there is a huge need for better formation of our young men. Beyond that, I just have to say I have nothing but respect for single people who desire marriage and manage to be chaste.

My parish didn’t have anything for young adults after age 18+ for years. 2 years ago, our associate pastor started such a ministry for the post-college age and it brought those of us from that age crowd together.  Some of us never would have met like this. We had quite a bit of Bible study and related discussions. Some liked it, others didn’t. Folks have come and gone since then. The Cardinal of our archdiocese transferred our associate pastor to another part of the state last year so no one could readily take over.
Some of us still continue to meet for social activities and it’s a great way to stay in touch.

Some quick thoughts.
I find the popular presentation of Catholicism—- the one that tries to make it seem fun or joyful or attractive in any worldly sense—- to be increasingly annoying.  The faith is a cross.  A miserable, heavy, painful cross.  This goes especially for single Catholics today.  Please stop pretending it is something other than this.  In my 30 years of experience, it isn’t fun, it isn’t joyful, and it has no worldly benefits.  More to the point, it is not attractive.

I was reading an early church father the other day who recommended men marrying as soon as possible, because it was too hard to reasonably expect them to abstain for such a long time (unless they have a special gift and are called to the priesthood).  Bingo!  Finally, some common sense.  It is too hard.  It is too unreasonable.  And now that we have a culture and “system” that puts marriage off for years, and Catholics suck at coming together, it is almost insane.  Bitterness and loneliness abound.

Yes, on the _theoretical_ level, we should all be beaming and joyful, for our treasure is in Heaven.  But in the mean time trying to live as a single Catholic male is akin to being punched in the face a few times a day.  Maybe others’ experiences have been great, mine has been more like this.

You don’t want a fellow experiencing this to be your P.R. person for Catholicism.  The faith may be true; it’s also brutal and merciless on the worldly level.  Please don’t tell those who experience this on a daily basis otherwise.  It’s patronizing.

@ Daniel- it pains me every time I hear my friends express the thought that the Church knows nothing about sex, or ask another engaged or married couple when they could move in together during marriage prep classes and not get caught, or half a dozen different things that run counter to Church teaching on marriage, sex and chastity.  And in those moments of pain I say a silent prayer for them and where they are on their faith formation.

For everyone who bemoans having to converse with married people about their children- do you realize what an amazing opportunity you are passing up in missing or avoiding those conversations?  I have learned a great deal about being a parent from listening to my mommy friends’ stories and conversations and I’m grateful to have the opportunity to store up this knowledge before I have kids of my own.  Plus, the marrieds don’t always want to talk about their kids.  They would love to have a friend who can talk about something besides their kids, trust me.  We each, married and single, have a great deal to offer each other.  We just need to stop thinking of each other as the enemy or the stranger.

And Aaron Streeting- i I could “like” your post I would.  Thank you for your support for all singles!

I have good days, and I have bad days. A bad day is when I go to a parish function and NO ONE talks to me, even when I’m smiling and friendly. Or when only families are asked to bring up the gifts at Mass.

Good days are when I pray the rosary and meditate on the resurection, because when I get to Heaven, I’m not going to care if I was single or not. As for the Godparent comment, my friends don’t seem to pick singles or people who take their Faith seriously. They pick other couples or their friends, even if they haven’t seen the inside of the Church in years.

Yes, I even founded our parish’s young adult group. Most of the people that show up are overweight (like myself) socially ackward or straight up weird.

Many of the Catholics I meet on Catholic Match are weird in some way, or not even Catholic. A lot of great Catholic men marry “pagans” and then convert them. Maybe I have to go that route?

MH, who is unmarried and says they believe in chastity, wrote: “Quite honestly, it’s no one’s business whether or not I’m sexually active. It’s no one’s business if I’m on the pill or not.”

I am baffled by this. As an unmarried person I shouldn’t want for there to be ambiguity in my friends’ or associates’ minds about whether I am actually living a Catholic life, or if I am fornicating or even contracepting. It would make sense if a person living a shameful lifestyle wanted to be discreet, but if I am living in a moral way there is no reason to be mysterious about it. An authentically Catholic life is a witness to the faith and a positive example to others. This is actually something very GOOD we have to give to others. There are people today who can hardly fathom that a healthy adult would freely choose to be chaste, or consider that almost impossible, or have never really thought about what positive value that would have. There are many people who need to know people who are actually healthily living a chaste lifestyle and hear an explanation of that, that they can understand.

An inspiring blog posting here.

I’m always renewing my energy to pray for good Catholic singles to find a good spouse.  Thank you Jen, for helping me to push that up into my top rosary intentions. @ For anyone who is crazy enough to think that the “friends with benefits” approach that Justine touted, might have any merit whatsoever, I’d just like to add that in my experience, none of my friends who took this route had an easy time of it.  Most are divorced and have kids that are paying the sad price.  Keep up the good fight!  Also, one other point: humans that struggle to be good, really are like fine wine.  Who was it that said, “youth is wasted on the young”?  So some struggle what seems to be a lifetime to mellow into a beautiful, near perfect marriage, some never achieve this, but God will reward their heroism and others might find the most incredible spouse who has been tempered by the suffering of being lonely, while yearning chastely for a spouse.  These couples get to skip a lot of the folly that comes with youthful inexperience and impetuosity.

@ Annette,  I’m not saying we hate talking about your children. To the contrary, I love children…  but typically, any contribution I have to the conversation, anecdotes about how my parents handled child- rearing problems, or my childhood experience, are met with blank stares. Or are unwelcome, “Here’s how I’d handle that.” or at some point… quite frankly, it becomes all about you and your family and I don’t matter.
there has to be some balance in conversation. It can’t all be about your kids.  Especially when I would like nothing more than to have children of my own, and all we do is talk about your kids.  I know plenty about raising kids. I’m 42 years old. I’m done talking about everyone else’s kids, not because I don’t love them… but it’s about time I got to have some!!!
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@BM - you make some fantastic points!
Yes and yes!  I feel like I was tossed out into the world at a time when women weren’t supposed to let on that we desired marriage. When women were mocked for actually wanting such traditional roles.  Mocked even more for thinking that maybe a guy should be thinking about marrying me before he thought about bedding me.
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In fact, I’m going on a date with a new guy tomorrow night, and I can only think of how fast he’s going to run at the point I tell him that I’m not interested in casual sex - I’m interested in forming a real relationship that could lead to marriage before I can even think about sex with him.  Of course, I’m not going to tell him this on the first date… but maybe sometime before he expects me to sleep with him on the third date!

Ladies:

You would be amazed at how many women want to sleep with a man on the first date—and take mortal offense if the man declines.  The 20-somethings may not have their shyness completely beaten out of them in college, but the 30-somethings get more and more aggressive as they get older.  If you wonder why eligible (and chaste) Catholic bachelors are cautious about asking women out, now you know why.

@Renae - I thought about making my wording more explicit but was worried I was already too wordy!  The 4 or 5 singles to which I was referring at my typical family gathering range in age from mid 30’s to early 60’s.  The recent college grads are in addition to those folks - many of those neices and nephews are now in their late 20’s, but I still think of them as kids.
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I’m going to be very blunt Renae, you need to take charge of your life so you don’t feel like a victim.  WHen I was single, I NEVER went to my family’s for Thanksgiving.  It was the only free 4 1/2 days off I’d get all year and I certainly wasn’t going to spend it in travel.  Sometimes I’d go to a friend’s for dinner but more often than not by choice I’d sit in front of the TV and watch the CHristmas specials and eat a microwaved pot pie for dinner.  And if I didn’t feel like doing laundry, I’d buy more underwear.  And if I didn’t feel like scrubbing the tub, I didn’t do it.  The great part of being single is there’s nobody to check up on you.  Enjoy that while it lasts.
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Generally, I’ll make an effort to talk to a single person about their work or their home (improvements, repairs,etc.), their exercise routine, etc..  But if the folks around you aren’t so interested in your world, can’t you add some funny story that a coworker told of a child at kindergarten about a similar subject?    Listen to the parents - they’re very often not even talking about their own kids.  For instance, my neighbor got the name of her son’s pediatric gastroenterologist from one of my single relatives (in her 50’s).  I was talking about that boy’s issues at Christmas and she mentioned her coworker’s child was dealing with similar issues and had finally found a doctor with whom she was happy. 
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And stop going to every little family event if you’d really rather not.  Send a card with 10 bucks in it.  Or don’t.  Married people don’t magically get more days off work.    They understand if you don’t want to use a day off to watch Junior in the Christmas show.  And if they don’t, well then maybe they’re dragging you down and you need to cut the strings a bit. 
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I know I’m being very blunt and I don’t mean to offend you.  But life is too short to go through it feeling like a victim.

I see lots of people in my counseling practice.  Some are married, some are single.  All of them want their lives to be different somehow.
“I want to be married.”
“I want to be single again.”
“I’m lonely in my marriage.”
“I’m lonely being single.”
“My spouse won’t talk to me.”
“My spouse won’t shut up.”
“My spouse never wants to have sex.”
“All my spouse thinks about is sex.”
“My spouse is not affectionate.”
“My spouse thinks all affection leads to sex.”
“I can’t seem to meet anyone.”
“I meet lots of people, but they’re all wrong for me.”
“I’m stressed out by my kids.”
“I’m stressed out because I don’t have kids yet.”
“I have kids but the father won’t get involved with us.”
“My spouse is no longer attracted to me.”
“My spouse works all the time.”
“My spouse won’t work.”
“I don’t like socializing, but I want to meet someone.”
I could go on and on and on with examples.  There is a void within us that only God can fill.

Ha, you are so right, Tom.  No matter what state of life we find ourselves in, there is always something to complain about.  Grass is always greener.  We live in a culture of victimhood and I am as guilty as the next person of feeling sorry for myself.  And no one wants to hang around a bitter, angry person whether single or married.

I hope my previous posts didn’t make it sound like I regret being married and being a mother.  I know firsthand the crosses of being single, and I’m very happy that my life went in a different direction.  (And I agree with the person who said that it isn’t fair to assume that single people have ample free time.  When I was single, dating was like a part-time job.  Any state of life has plenty of opportunities to keep people busy.)  That said, there are things I miss about being single, such as me-time/alone-time.  And even though I prefer being married, I was not miserable when I was single.  It has its share of crosses, but it doesn’t have to be bleak.

The post is applicable to married couples as well.  I look forward to reading a post that Catholic singles can enjoy for the help provided, in bearing witness to God’s love for us, and others, in the meantime:  I’ll go ahead and write out the following to satisfy my need in this area.  The beginning of The Old Testament is mythical in a certain sense, due to the emphasis of a truth, that Judaism and therefore, Christianity, have expressed in varied terms, and it has been referred to as one of the kindest of religious teachings, that of Original Sin.  We were born into it.  It seems odd, the way I think about it, that as a gift of God, living, created by God, I should be born into sin along with the rest of the human family, but I’m glad God likes whom he creates.  Now, I could follow this into baptism, as a sacrament of The Catholic Church, not to the benefit of only a few, but what I will follow it with instead, is a somewhat sad tragedy, that infants are born into the world to be witnessed as being of Original Sin.  Isn’t life hard, poor, poor, poor, little baby.  Thank God he loves you.

I’m 39 and I’ve always been single and celibate, and I’m cool with it. I discerned years ago that I am not suited for marriage, and I know better than to use a person for a mere plaything. I keep in touch with my family and get together with them often. I’m a godmother, and visit my godson when I can. I am friends with several older Catholic women whose kids have all grown up and moved away, and I have online friends who I chat with about all the stuff that I’m interested in that my older friends don’t care about. I don’t feel lonely when I’m alone.  My alone time is time I can use to pray, and to pursue my many hobbies.  I don’t mind when people show me pictures of their kids and grandkids. I say, “Oh, how cute.  He looks like you”, and then I show them photos of my godson. Or sometimes my grandmother. If they talk about situations with their children, I talk about how my parents used to handle that stuff when me and my siblings were young.

Jennifer; you’re right that the world needs single Catholics to witness against the materialism and hedonism that dominate society. Sadly this is far easier said than done. I spent my young adulthood trying to be a counterexample to popular culture. Even after sacrificing many friendships and losing my financial security for a graduate degree in theology, I found my vocation hindered by the dismissive attitudes of lay leaders and clergy. Being told outright that the single state is a detriment to catechetical and pasotoral work is disheartening. The rationale seems to be that even sinful relationships build useful experience, but parishioners are unlikely to take a lifelong single person seriously. But you’re also right that Christ must be our source of joy. I do confess that sorrow sometimes overwhelms my joy, especially when I feel like I’ve failed in my calling. With God’s help I’ll keep seeking holiness and the good of others. Thanks for your article.

We belong to a very vibrant parish with a list of ministeries longer than the average arm.  Yet, none of them are for Single Catholics or for Married Catholics; they are all for everbody.  Of the eight or so that we are active in I would say the they are approximately 50% single and 50% married, and we never even think of discussing each other’s status or for that matter, sex.  What we discuss and take action on is how to expand the Kingdom of God.

Eileen,  you’re making some assumptions.
First, I was speaking in a voice for Catholic singles in general.
Generalities… they’re for everyone.
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I haven’t been home for Thanksgiving in 20 years.  I’m down to about half the Christmases.  But, let’s face it, we’re Catholic and I get plenty of guilt for that… including from my niece who was 16 at the time… that I was “ruining Christmas” because I didn’t want to drive 10 hours on icy highways after returning home just three days before, from my best friend’s wedding in California.
And your blunt paragraph… yeah I’ve been doing all that for 22 years… I’ve sucked up every bit of joy I can from doing my own thing - can you blame me for wanting a teammate for once in my life? How long did you do it Mrs. Married with Children?
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and of course married people don’t magically get more days off from work…. but their extended family tends to respect their vacation decisions compared to single people who are somehow single-handedly ruining Christmas with their vacation decisions!!

Justine—You are going to be pretty lonely with an attitude like that. Take a few risks and get involved in new things, at Church and in the community. You might be surprised how many friends you would make if you keep an open mind and a positive attitude.

@Renae - you live 10 hours away from your family and they’re giving you grief about not coming home???  I lived and still live two hours away from my Catholic family and was never made to feel guilty about my choices.  You need to learn not to accept the guilt, particularly when it comes from a self centered teen.  And it’s the rare teen who isn’t self centered.
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I married when I was 30.

You are all missing the point.  I’ve been single my whole life. Chastity is not easy, it’s a cross. Everybody seems to think God is a God of consolations. God gives you the cross you have because he wants you to have it.  All this weepy stuff about I’m so alone, deal with it. True joy is a consolation during a trial.  I like to be happy like everybody else and I ask God to be. Sometimes the answer is yes sometimes not.  I have so many broken dreams its not funny but I beleive that it’s God’s catholic teaching that tell’s me to get back in the fray because all is never lost.  It is the people who do not except the cross and God’s sometimes difficult law that I think could be in real trouble.  I could go on and tell you specifics but my complaints are not much different than the others have written here. Of course I think they are worse.

Jennifer Fulwiler, maybe my first paragraph didn’t really say, what I mean to say, so, I am writing this to you, because I want you to know, that your post really put me off, which may very well be your intention for Catholic singles like myself.  When I first read the title:  “Single Catholics:  The World Needs Your Witness”, I felt happy, that I would be reading something specific to me as both a Catholic, and a single Catholic, and I thought that I was going to be inspired, and given some content, that would give me greater promise in sharing my faith with others, then of course, I was fully disheartened:  realizing, I am being excluded as both Catholic, and single.  You really didn’t mean Catholic singles, but you meant Catholics, single or not, that have a sex life meeting your elitist, perfectionist, idealism that Jesus certainly didn’t ever come into the world to have anything at all to do with ... but it’s your brand of Catholicism.  I don’t really care to bear witness to it, but look:  when you get serious enough about your faith to stop neglecting the rest of us, that know we are moving away from sin, and still have enough of a heart, to do God’s will no matter how far short we fall of walking on water, then I’ll find something enjoyable from you, in the faith we share, thank you for your attention.

Sigh…it is, in fact, a continual insult that certain people assume my life must be miserable and pathetic.  God is a mysterious lover, ever close and ever just beyond grasp.
Justine, I have cautioned this elsewhere in regard to other people’s perceived finances: you have never had to balance their checkbook or pay their bills.  Likewise, you are not inside that marriage.  I’m sure you know is it possible to be alone in a crowd; how much more bitter and ironic to be alone in a marriage?  You cannot tell just from appearances.

To understand the place of singles in the Church, you have to see things from a single’s eye perspective.

All too often it is the people who have been shacked up and contracepting for years who get the warm welcome, the apply smiles, the congratulations, and the big church wedding.

It is the singles living chaste, celibate lives who are frozen out, ostracized, ignored, or made to feel that way. No one stands up for chaste singles when the world at large and many in the church mock them. Somehow it is always okay to talk down to singles and offer dumb dating tips.  Singles routinely get told there is something wrong with them if they dare suggest that being single is not The. Greatest. Thing. Ever.

It takes special grace to rise above the nasty, mean-spirited, materialistic envy that is the particular vice of single people.  But the Church is not very good at providing the spiritual guidance needed by the growing numbers of single people today who would not have been single and who would have married at a reasonable age in any previous society. 

The Church has not yet developed the necessary ministries and institutions.  Ironically, it is the people who hold hardest and fastest to Catholic teaching on marriage and the family, who most want families and family life, who find the biggest roadblocks to marriage in their way.  They are the ones who suffer most in congregations where married couples and the clergy show a radical lack of solidarity with the singles. Evangelical churches may not have Theology of the Body, but they do much better on the basic question of solidarity between the marrieds and the singles seeking marriage.

The Catholic Church needs to do much better at providing community life for faithful older singles. We have the sacraments, adoration, and daily mass. But much of it is still a fairly anonymous existence for those who have demanding work lives.  The Church also needs to recognize that not being married is a real problem for lots of people who lead mostly happy, productive celibate lives but also suffer from loneliness, social isolation, and the deep grief that comes from never having children. To be single can be joyous but is not automatically so and often isn’t.

Kristopher, if you cannot help but see the very goal you are professedly moving toward as ‘elitist,’ ‘perfectionist,’ and ‘idealist,’ then I daresay you are not going to reach it very soon!  When you use the phrase ‘your brand of Catholicism’ I’m reminded of a quote from the late keyboardist Wanda Landowska, responding to criticism: “You play Bach your way, and I’ll play him his way.”

So Eileen, at most you lived on your own for ten years.  Assuming you had some sort of courtship before you married… that’s another couple years that you’ve had someone else in your corner.
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FYI - it’s not the guilt so much as knowing that no one is even trying to understand.
I was unemployed/ underemployed for 3 out of 5 years recently. (I work in an industry that sees a lot of layoffs.) My SIL would try to guilt me with admonishments of “You never come home to visit.” When I said, “If you cared enough to see me, you could drive West. The interstate goes both ways. Or, if Christmas is so important to you, and you cared so much, you could buy me a plane ticket.”  They don’t even try to understand that I was just trying to put food on my table and a trip home really isn’t in the budget.  Even if it’s just gas money.
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Worse yet, my dad died last year - and it pains me to know how little I saw him over the past four years because of my financial circumstances.
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I know teenagers are self-centered, but it still breaks your heart - even when you know that in 10 years, they’ll be singing a different tune.
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you yourself prove the point over and over - you asked how you could be more aware of how to relate to the single adults… but when someone tells you and provides examples, you tell them not to feel that way.  (your poor kids!!!)

Claire said:

Justine:  going to Church, praying regularly and leading a chaste life is not contradictory to seeing what you can contribute to the world.  What are you so bitter about?

I haven’t said it is contradictory, I said it is not the same thing. People say ‘if you are single, lead a chaste life and your singleness won’t be so lonely’. When it turns out it is not quite so, then the story becomes ‘lead a chaste life AND look what you can do for the others’. When that turns out wrong too, then the story becomes ‘lead the chaste life AND look what you can do for the others AND ...’. And so on and so on. And then it turns out it is all false, and that people find (relative) happiness in many ways, some of them precisely those which people who posed they know the truth about life told aren’t the ways to find it. That is what makes me bitter, finding out that people I once believed and listened are really charlatans.

Enness,

No matter how much of an ideal, or an elitist community heaven is or however perfect it must be to have a soul molded to God’s will:  I am nonetheless at the mercy of God, as to where I am; when I am dead.  So, myself not being in any real great rush to die, I don’t really see a problem with failing to get to what I see as a an ideal, or elitist community, or the perfection of my soul, anytime soon.  When my number is up:  I’m sure God will pull it—I do hope for a good act of contrition before my demise, and forgiveness from God.  I’m not sure what elitism has to do with being Catholic it seems a bit oppositional to what is Catholic.  I have some prayer on mind, Oh my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of Hell, especially those in most need of thy mercy.  We can’t all play Bach his way, now, can we:  especially when the interest isn’t really there, or the means, but we’re not all in need of God’s mercy so much, either, are we?

Justine, I’m glad you see people living their lives and finding something good even after what might have been bad.  To whatever extent you’ve exemplified a chaste life:  good for you, and good luck with your future.  G’night.

Justine:  people are not charlatans just because they have more than one suggestion on how to handle the challenges of the single life.  All the challenges you mention work hand in hand to help with these challenges.  Some might be more helpful than others, depending on each individual and their circumstances.  They all have merit, and none of them are “false”.  For you to come here and proclaim that this article and its tenets are “bullshit” is a little over the top.  I don’t think Jennifer or anyone else here is saying that if you follow these suggestions your life will be completely free of loneliness.  What we’re saying is that these approaches will help to ease the loneliness as well as some of the other challenges that come with the single life.  They did for me when I was single, and I was very willing to continue that lifestyle indefinitely. And I’m not a pollyanna who is always upbeat;  if anything I am someone who has to battle negativity and bitterness (this was an issue for me when I was single, and remains an issue for me today).

Kristopher:  Jennifer’s “brand” of Catholicism is the official tenents of the Catholic faith!  It’s the pick&choose; Catholics who develop their own “brand”.  And how arrogant to assume that she wrote this article with the intention of alienating people.

I don’t know anything about anybody but when I see a couple with children I perceive a joy that they must be experiencing.

As a single, celibate Catholic woman “of a certain age,” with no marriage prospects, frankly, it sucks. Straight up. I have a great job that can look glamorous from the outside, I travel, but the loneliness and isolation at the end of the day are a knife to the heart. I didn’t choose not to marry, and the whole “God loves you” thing can ring pretty hollow when He seems to be the only one. Sometimes I am seriously unhappy with Him and feel the love not at all. And yes, often I feel invisible at church, especially because I’m too old for every singles group I’ve encountered ... which makes it even worse. And most of the preaching about no sex I hear is from former sinners and marrieds (or from religious who chose a chaste life). Thanks a bunch. Past your 30s, society in general, and the Church, makes no real provision but pity for us. And it’s hard not to feel the self-pity, and sometimes it hits like a brick. I soldier on, but it just sucks.

I finally married at age 37, and I consequently have a great interest in matters relating to Catholic singles.  The world is very supportive of marrieds, but single people have a tough road.  I commend the NCR for bringing Emily Stimpson on board.  I wish I had had her example as a single woman.  I just wanted to add that though singlehood has its challenges, it is not true that all singles are unhappy.  I spent my single years in Boston, and I can tell you that there is a vibrant Catholic community of young Catholic singles in Boston, people who are joyously living out their faith.  When I was single I met once per week with a group of like-minded single Catholic women to pray the rosary for the vocation of marriage.  We met in each other’s homes, and we prayed for ourselves, but we also prayed for so many other intentions.  We celebrated birthdays, we went out to dinner, we always had a Christmas party.  We felt like family.  It was wonderful.  In fact, we still meet, though less frequently.  Of that small group of about eight women, five went on to marry late in life (past age 35).  Switching gears—we can talk about what is the church doing to support singles, but really we should be asking, what am I doing to support my single brothers and sisters.  Am I expressing my love to them?  Am I including them in my life?  Am I critical of them because they are single?  As a single woman a lot of my own angst would have been alleviated if I had had more support and unconditional love from friends and family.

I know there have been so many comments - I doubt if mine will be read… but still I just want to say that I am a living witness of what Jennifer writes. I am a single Catholic who has chosen to remain single i.e. I choose Consecrated Virginity. Of course it is lonely at times, but it is also a THOUSAND times worth it.
I believe and know from experience that a single life with God as your spouse, or with God as the first priority - is simply awesome. Is it difficult? At times, of course. Is it lonely? At times, of course. But then whose life isn’t? But the good FAR outweighs the little pinpricks. And there is the added benefit in this case that Christ uses every instance as a teaching moment. So from every angle, life is good :).

A question for devout singles who desire marriage (not to suggest or imply anything - I am asking this strictly out of curiosity): when you contemplate the possibility that you might be unmarried for the rest of your life, do you consider joining a religious community or consecrating your singleness, like Rosemary above?

I do not mean to be patronizing. Before I met my wife, I had absolutely no desire to become a priest or brother. After I was married, I looked back at the way I felt when I was dejected, lonely, and praying for a wife. I realized that in those years of rejection and heartbreak, the thing I wanted most was to feel lovable, to know that another person could love me with the same devotion I wanted to give to someone. I just wanted that ONE thing, I thought, and I would be at peace.

It shouldn’t have taken me finding a wife to realize what I should have known all along: that perfect love comes from God and that I need comes from Him. Looking back, I regret being so closed off to a vocation. I’m not sure if God was calling me; if he was, I wasn’t listening.

I love my wife and am very thankful for what we have, but after we married it didn’t take long for the longing and emptiness in my heart to fix itself on other things I didn’t have: a good job, a nice place to live, recognition from others. Growth in my spiritual life has led me to realize that Christ is the ONLY one that can satisfy these desires.

I suppose many singles would respond, “Well, at least you got married. Maybe I need to get married to realize that too.” All I can say is, I wish I’d figured it out when I was single.

Claire said:

I don’t think Jennifer or anyone else here is saying that if you follow these suggestions your life will be completely free of loneliness.

No, they don’t say that, they something different. They say that if you live your life the way they propose, it will be better than if you lived it oppositely. Since we are talking about chastity, that comes to saying that your (single) life will be less lonely if you live it chastely than not. In my experience that is false. It wouldn’t be such problem if they just testified such way of life was helpful to them. But they claim it will be the best for everyone. They are simply misleading people, and they are doing that because it benefits *them* to believe so. When one gets !@#$% up following their advice (as I did, not necessarily in this area, but even that among others), you can only cry. And be bitter. And of course, come to those people selling those lies to testify their advices are bullshit.

To Kristopher,
As one of the 7% who survive Sudden Cardiac Arrest in this country each year, I beg you to change your attitude concerning last minute confession at the time of death. One minute I was talking with a friend and the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground and surrounded by rescue personnel. No warning. By God’s Providence, I was revived after fifteen minutes. We cannot presume on God’s mercy or to have things fit our timetable where the last things are concerned.

Justine, if Jennifer is lying then so is God.  You come across as angry, bitter, hostile and entitled, and it is easy to see why you’re so unhappy.

Claire,
Oh now really, I mean, truly:  was I so arrogant in what I wrote, that it truly lacked clarity of just in what way, I am alienated as a Catholic single, are you truly that dense, that stupid, that you couldn’t get the point:  I feel very insulted.  And Jennifer is putting forward a teaching of the The Catholic Church, now there’s some real FYI, thank you!  YOU ARE BRILLIANT!  Had I not been told I wouldn’t have known, but we can move on to Catholic singles?  I am so sorry that I failed to be more skilled in providing just what was done that proved to be such a disheartening experience reading the post:  there is a major discrepancy between the title and the content.  The content says:  Catholic singles, you are needed to be a witness in the world, but as Justine might say, CHARLATANB are writing this post:  WE ONLY WANT CHASTE CELEBATE CATHOLIC SINGLES TO BE WITNESSES IN THE WORLD, but now I am seeing the reason:  Jennifer Fulwiler’s brand of Catholicism teaches, that the call to love Jesus as a testimony to God’s love is only for chaste Catholic singles, and according both to Claire and Jennifer Fulwiler, that is the Catholic teaching on vocation, and evangelizing—boy!  I sure did miss that one.  I thought I read from more euridite Catholics, that what distinguishes Chrisitianity against so many other religions, such as Islam, is Islam doesn’t want any other religion in the world and are rather militant about it, but Christianity cannot exist without other religions in the world:  come one and come all.  No wonder the critics of her previous posts regarding homosexuality criticize her for shoving her faith down their throats:  she shoves it down the throats of those of the same faith.  Looking for her next article for a real need of married Catholics to be a witness in the world, for the chaste, and the celebate, only:  probably widowed priests will read it, and The Order of The Augustinian Mistress Sisterhood.  BRAVO!  A real standing ovation on that one, COME ONE COME ALL!  (Just have the valet park the limo..)  Jennifer Fulwiler’s brand of faith is a straight jacket for all accept her faith, she thinks it’s this perfect little world everyone has to whole up in to be worthy of the love of God, or display it.  The perfect means are no solution when applied to the wrong problem.  She should have listened to those arguing against her rail on homosexuality, they are right, and she is wrong.

Just an off-topic note for Ms. Fulwiler: 
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Enjoyed your interview with Marcus Grodi on ‘Journey Home’, Jennifer!  Your conversion story is endlessly fascinating, no matter how many times I hear it told!  And you tell it so lucidly and with such disarming humility and wonder.  Always a pleasure to hear your thoughts, either in print or televised media!

@Claire: Who says there is God? Claire and Jennifer.

I am not saying, celibacy and chastity are neither teachings of the faith, nor am I saying:  they are not good counter-examples to a homosexual lifestyle, or any other inappropriate sexual lifestyle, but I am saying, it is a disappointing post that doesn’t provide for Catholic singles to be a witness in the world, but only chaste Catholic singles in the world.  EWTN as I understand it now owns National Catholic Register.  EWTN promoted Fr. Corapi.  He was not exactly found to be sancrosanct, but the Catholic faith is one that ought to extend a welcome to sinners, and sinners ought to be accepted as having something of the love of God in their lives, that serves as a witness to others in the world.

Justine, sometimes the most we can do to counter the denial of God, is to assert that there is a God:  neither one nor the other provide much in the way of proof, and as denials and assertions go—there is no requirement of proof, but God loves you.  If you are not now open to his grace in your life, then maybe you will be one day.

Wow. The vast majority of these comments totally support the people criticizing Ms. Fulwiler for her post suggesting that it’s no big deal to expect an entire group of people to forego sex forever. Clearly it’s a huge deal to wait ten or twenty years for marriage. Yet Julia on Monday, Jul 23, 2012 at 1:22 PM is the only person who points out the difference between accepting temporary celibacy with the possibility of physical intimacy in the future, and being told that one can never, ever enjoy physical intimacy with another human being. 

I remember the young men in my youth group complaining about the older (married) men in the church encouraging them to remain chaste. They’d say, “So-and-so doesn’t get how hard it is to wait. He’s married. He can have sex any time he wants!” Well most married people would laugh at that because it’s just not true.

I also remember hearing a sermon years ago about how chastity is a gift of the Holy Spirit that ALL believers must practice at some point in their lives, whether they are married or not. He gave the example that someone in an above comment gave: when one partner is ill and cannot have sex, does that give the other partner license to sleep around, or to resent his/her spouse for withholding? Noooo. Rather, it’s a situation that requires chastity and sacrificial love.

I think what this argument comes down to is that the disordered world we live in has a very hard time understanding God’s order. The last shall be first? Lose your life to save it? What a bunch of bologna, right? I can’t speak to every individual story that’s been offered here, and none of my pat answers would make a difference to someone who is wounded and lonely. Goodness knows that there are plenty of times I say to God, “You have GOT to be kidding me with this.” But I don’t believe that the RIGHT thing to do is always the EASIEST or most FUN thing to do. I don’t think we should discount Catholic teaching just because it sounds difficult or painful. If I lived my life based on what felt good in the moment and required zero sacrifice and humility on my part from me, I’d be a divorced deadbeat mom who subsists on cigarettes, cheap wine, and boxed macaroni and cheese. Or, you know, dead.

Further thoughts on this post - http://notaminx.blogspot.com/2012/07/will-you-help-them-or-will-you-spit-in.html

Will you help them or will you spit in their faces?  Re: the callous comments married people make towards singles.

Most of the comments here are from women.

The Church needs MORE MEN!

Man up, stop ordaining “sensitive” types…....

Justine:  the NCR, Jennifer, and most of the readers here say there is a God.  If you don’t believe there’s a God, why do you visit Catholic websites.  How about taking your profanity, entitlement and bitterness elsewhere?

Save your insults Kristopher.  The Church teaches chastity.  It’s not some “brand” that Jennifer came up with.  Those who stray from the Catechism and the Magesterium are the ones who develop their own “brand”.

@Kristopher Finstad: It is not really that we have here denial and assertion of God’s existence of the same strength. Those who assert God to exist give some temporal claims to go with it. Temporal claims are verifiable, and if they turn out not to be true then assertions of God’s existence accompanying them lose credibility. You know, it is not the first time I am hearing this stuff, I have been around that whole story a bit longer. And I know where the catch lies. The claims the author is selling in this post are surface claims, I call it - for the naive. It is easily verified whether they are true, but you are inexperienced and naive and you believe them. So let us suppose that you are young and naive and you bought them, and putting them to practice you discovered they are false. So you come back angry and full of questions. But now you are confronted with some senior players. They have a tougher story. They say - you are mercenary, you went with that story only to feel better, to have nicer life (i.e. to be surrounded by life through friendships, through parish community, perhaps through role as godparent, sounds familiar? :p), and that is not how it works, Jesus did not promise his disciples nice and pleasurable life in this world, but in another if you follow him faithfully in this life even through painful times and adversities. So again the story has a happy end, but now it is projected to another world which is much smarter since it can not be verified. But you are not so naive any more, and you get even more angry hearing this because now you ask - and WHY WAS IT ADVERTISED AS IF IT OFFERED GOODS IN THIS LIFE!!! The answer is very simple - it wouldn’t be as attractive as it is with all those goodies offered with it. The answer Jennifer offered to this situation of homosexual people was not - you are perverted because of Adam, and you are guilty of it since you are guilty for what Adam did, and if you accept suffering your whole life fighting something you were born to (people are born to original sin and it’s consequences, according to catholic teaching), then maybe but just maybe you will be free from it one day. And that would be much closer to core catholic teaching than these stories from wonderland about all the wanders which come with chastity in single life. But on the other hand, such story would not be much of an answer to homosexual lobby, and one would have problems being convincing while explaining that which you readily answer to me about God loving me. That sounds much more convincing when you add all that about being full of life, surrounded with friends, etc, when living according to God’s commands. I am sick and tired of that twofacedness in catholic teaching, but then again, maybe it is not good to mix levels, those for naive and those for advanced. :rolleyes:

@Claire: No, I won’t take my bitterness elsewhere. The owner of the blog can delete me, that is up to her, but I of my own will shall go when I decide. My bitterness was caused by people who sold similar ideas to these from this post, and it is only right that I give witness here as to their effectiveness in making someone happy.

Justine:  just because you are angry, bitter and entitled doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of single people out there who lead chaste, meaningful lives.  There lives might have varying degrees of loneliness and unhappiness, as do other states of life.  That doesn’t mean that Jennifer or anyone else here is lying.  I had a lot more friends when I was single than I do now.  That’s a fact.  Would I trade that for my marriage?  No.  Did I have moments of longing for physical and romantic intimacy and companionship?  Yes.  Was I content 90% of the time?  Yes.  To me, that’s more than satisfactory, and there are plenty of other singles who feel the same way.  But if you want to spend the rest of your life being miserable and spewing profanity and insults on Catholic websites, I guess that’s your choice.  I can’t imagine it makes you happy, though.  It seems to me that it only escalates your unhappiness and hostility.  I can’t imagine why that would be fun or pleasant for anyone.

Justine, a Christian is not someone who asks God, “What’s in it for me?” but someone who responds to God’s selfless act of love in kind. This is regardless of what anyone may or may not have told you about Christianity and which you perceive as a false promise. I understand what it is to feel disillusioned by hypocrites, but in our relationship to God that is utterly beside the point. Jesus was betrayed by his own people, and by his own close personal friend. Do you not think he understands your suffering?

Wow!!!  After reading most of these posts it appears that dissent from Catholic teaching is proportionate to how vitriolic and angry and ugly they become.  Compared to the tone and tenor of their arguments I would have to conclude (unscientifically) that those who follow Catholic teaching appear much happier and at peace.

My English is not perfect, so I must admit I do not know what does this ‘entitled’ mean, which you call me repeatedly. Angry and bitter I am, so I guess that must be true too whatever it meant. But never mind. I would just like to point out that the fact that there may be many single people out there who lead chaste, meaningful lives, does not imply in any way that there might not be just as many single persons living/having lived not so chastely, and being satisfied with their life. And as for what I will do with the rest of my life, that is my business.

@Ed: Did I mention I lived according to catholic teaching for years, all until it brought me near the nervous breakdown? What saved me from breaking down completely was distancing from that teaching and life, and living according to secular wisdom. It did not menage to free me completely from bitterness that occasionally surfaces, but hay, my religious phase lasted too long not to leave some consequences.

Justine,
I was just wondering what the crux of your issue is (and I am asking this seriously, not snarkily). Is your complaint with what you see as married people being patronizing to singles by saying that living chastely is the right path? Or is your complaint with the Church for her teaching that sex outside of marriage is wrong?
If the former, well, I try (with varying degrees of success) to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are not actively trying to insult me, even though their words and actions can inadvertently be very isolating and hurtful. If the latter, I agree with Fr. Barron, who said that what is often seen as a “NO” by the Church (particularly in matters related to sex) is really a NO to a NO—which is a YES! If I am driving and rapidly approaching a cliff I can’t see, a bystander does me no favors by letting me plunge over it without warning me. But of course the choice is ultimately mine to change my route or not.
When things get me down, I also try to remember St. Paul’s words, that the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory to come. For what it’s worth, hang in there! (speaking as a 50’ish single person who has struggled to live chastely). And if I’ve misunderstood you, please forgive me, as it was not intentional.

@vitae: Living chastely is not at all difficult to me. I have trouble with falsehoods and false promises.

@Justine,
Sorry if I missed this in your comments, but who falsely promised what?

@Justine,
And BTW, lucky you if living chastely is not at all difficult for you—if I were you, I would thank God for having spared you that particular cross, as it is not an easy one.

As a single Catholic, I used to think that sex was essential for full happiness, but the closer I come to God the more I am abandoning that in realizing that God is the all.

The idea that sex is necessary for happiness is prevalent in our society, and comes from our fallen human nature not properly regenerated by grace.

@Justine.  I am so sorry for your bad experiences.  And you are certainly in my prayers.  But please note: I said “most” and “unscientific” in my impression of the correlation between dissent and bitterness.

I am convinced that our “heaven” or our “hell”, is like a garden that we blindly cultivate in our own soul.  We don’t need to be sent anywhere when we die. We freely choose our eternal destiny, and will have already begun to savor the fruits of what we have allowed God to plant there, here and now.  Our heaven or our hell will depend upon how much we have embraced the “yes” and the “fiat”, or the “no” and the “non serviam”.  When the veil is rent, God himself is our reward.  His forced absence from our lives is hell.
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This morning at mass, our very old and aged priest explained the words of Micah to us.  After centuries of turning towards other idols and earthly pursuits, the people were begging Micah for a solution to their vast infidelity.  His answer was so simple.  Be converted.  Turn to God.  Make Him your *all*.

EWTN/NC register should open something like Catholic Match or partner with them.  Single people should enjoy their freedom, with marriage comes pressure, and stress and joy and kids and mortgages. Being single can be lonely, but a lot of fun and travel and pilgrimages and cold beer and playing chess and sports.  Enjoy it dont look always to the Church to make you happy, climb mountains, sky dive, read good books have good friends.  Your husband or wife will come soon enough, be happy and well rounded.

Claire, thank you for agreeing with me, that Jennifer Fulwiler will correct what she has done and write a post for Catholic singles, whom are called to be witnesses in the world.  I apologuise that you found my being disheartened by what she wrote to be an offense.  I wrote as clearly as I could on the basis of what I believe I have seen very clearly.  I don’t consider how Jennifer Fulwiler has been putting the faith forward as anything belonging to my faith, as a Catholic, and as I said, I care very little to witness to her, and apparently your, brand of Catholicism.  That neither you, nor she, nor National Catholic Register have addressed what I have written is truly disturbing.  But let us go on for a moment, about Catholic teaching:  why did Jennifer Fulwiler choose to counter homosexuality with chastity, and celibacy, what made her assume that chaste, celibate, Catholic singles would care to bear witness to homosexuality through their inactive sex lives?  Are there not specific paragraphs in The Catechism of The Catholic Church that address homosexuality:  I recall reading that there are specific positions, and ways to treat homosexuals, and while celibacy and chastity is applicable, so to is admitting a poor understanding of homosexuality, so to is encouraging those homosexuals that are Catholic to love God, but too:  isn’t there focus to be given as well on Catholic charities, and teachings, that might further healthier environs to stop—whatever might exist to further develop homosexuality—the development of homosexuality?  But these are social issues in many ways, and Pope Benedict has written that the sure fire way to kill social services is to focus on social services, it has happened he said, in The Catholic Church, time, and time again.  So, what to do with homosexuals that are not Catholic?  Sexuality is a very personal issue.  I don’t care for when people demand that I accept homosexuality as a normal, healthy, right way to live, but I like keeping my sexlife or lack of it, more on the private side:  I suppose I should be more open about it, since I don’t have children to show others that hey!  JUSTINE:  thank you for your post, I was a bit tired, and glossed over what you had written—who says there is God?  Yes, right, there is God.  I’m neither Claire, nor Jennifer.  To those of you, whom are homosexual:  you may already be familiar with Catholic Church teaching on the matter of homosexuality, and if familiar with that teaching, then you are undoubtedly aware of what might be said, to be at the core of Catholic Teaching, that all are called to love Jesus, but how we respond to the call is very personal.  Whether people are married, single, heterosexual, or homosexual, there is so much more in life to discuss than what hasn’t been happening in the bedroom, or any other place.  San Francisco had an AIDS awareness day the other week or two ago, apparently, among other things:  celebrating opposition to and freedom out from underneath Hitler’s oppressive regime supportive of racial purity.

I’ve been shocked several times in my life by single “Catholic” women who were very sexually agressive, then turned around the next day and went to Mass and received.  For all the talk about men pushing women for sex, I’ve needed to say “no…not outside of marriage” quite a bit.  In fact twice “Catholic” women in their 40s came over for a movie, asked to use my bathroom, then dropped their clothes and tried to lure me into bed.  And I’d known these gals for years and taught religious ed and children’s liturgy with them!

When “Catholic” women are so willing to abandon chasteness, it’s very demoralizing.  And do you know how many chaste women have said “Hi” to me, opening the door to two chaste people getting to know each other?  ZERO.  Chaste Catholic women need to stop hanging back and start introducing themselves to single men at events and at Mass.  Stop assuming someone else will do the work for you.

Stop thinking about dating and finding a husband/wife.  Instead, meet good people, create good friendships with them, and one of them should flower into marriage.

I find it so distasteful to hear Catholics talk about being on dating sites.  If you’re going into it looking for being physically romantic instead of making good friends in a group Catholic setting, then you’re going about it all wrong and will have hideous results.

STOP DATING!  Be real friends and see what happens from there.

I don’t think Jennifer’s point is that chaste living is easy.  But she is right that in some ways it IS easier than allowing oneself to be used and use others.

I do think my life is less complicated than some of my friends who get caught up in having sex too soon (yes, even as 40-year olds) and then the hurt of the break up is compounded that much more.
So yes, I’ll stand by Jennifer F on that.
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But yes, we singles have a right to point out when other adults are being condescending or insensitive.
The “just do more” mantra is exhausting - because constantly doing everything IS EXHAUSTING!

Kit expressed it wonderfully, up there in the comments…..  and i’ll paraphrase her thoughts with more of mine….  sort of yes, we’ll do the right thing, even when it’s hard we’ll do the right thing—- but maybe it’d be nice if the church or other adults would throw us a bone once in a while and commend us for all we sacrifice to do the right thing.
There’s mother’s day and father’s day but there’s no Congratulations-you-didn’t-have-sex-a-whole-‘nother-year day! now is there?!
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A woman in my church once said to me, “You know, God says you have Me, why are you lonely?”  and she’s lucky I didn’t sock her in the mouth.  God doesn’t hug me when I come home from work.  He doesn’t smile at me and kiss my cheek when I wake up in the morning.  Try as I might, I rarely hear God say, “I’‘m happy to see you.” “I’ve missed you.”  and quite frankly,very few other people say it either.
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I’m not saying Single, Chaste Adult Catholics are constantly sad and lonely.  We’re not.
But we’re also not tucking kids into bed each night, smelling their sweet, sweaty hair while reading a bedtime story.
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@ Aaron Streeting -  yes, myself and a few friends have also contemplated religious life.  Personally, I have concluded it is not for me.  I assume convents do this whole waking up early thing… and this may sound shallow, but I enjoy mascara and eyeliner too much to never wear it again. I also really want to have sex again someday.
it’s one thing to live without it, when you have an idea you might eventually get to have it. But to say, no, I give this up completely, forever - is too hard.
That, and I’m just sure there is a man out there who will benefit greatly from a devout, devoted, faithful wive with a serious sex drive.
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@ Sebastian,  I wonder if a partnership with Catholic Match would accomplish anything. I’d love to hear ideas…but my experience on Catholic match was very disappointing.  I need men who are brave enough to get passed sending smiley faces and virtual roses.
However….if Catholic match can do what match.com just started doing….which is holding mixers in some areas to get their members off the computer and a chance to meet in person….. that would do wonders.
I think the online dating thing is a bit crippling. The men can’t get around to asking a woman out, because there are too many options.
I just went to a Match mixer and met two really interesting guys. Tonight I get to find out if one of them is Catholic…. and see if we move on from there.  It was much easier meeting in person… and I think having the knowledge that everyone is there to meet someone - makes it easier to approach.
I think men get a bit paralyzed in other situations where they might like to talk to a woman, but are afraid they’re going to offend her by asking her out.
If you get the interested singles together in one place - it frees everyone up a bit.
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Maybe what we need are Diocese Singles Mixers!  The only problem is… how will men find out about them?
Since they are not in church - they won’t see the bulletin!

It is shocking how promiscuous so many RC women are.  I married a gal who has a PhD from U-Dallas and got her BA at Thomas More College.  Lifelong Catholic.  Thought I’d hit the jackpot:  authentic Catholic who’d held out for me like I waited for her.  About a year into our marriage she let slip the HUGE number of guys she’d had sex with…most while at Catholic colleges!  Guys get bashed for pressuring, but look at how so many gals are living!  And at Catholic colleges!  She and the guys she fornicated with should have been expelled.  When will Catholic colleges hold their students accountable?  If they and their students act no differently than secular colleges, why BOTHER having Catholic collegs?

@Renee:  If you want a kid, ADOPT.  These poor kids did nothing wrong and they are just waiting for ANY adult to love them.  Don’t wait to marry…adopt now and give love to an innocent.  Genetics shouldn’t matter whether you love them.

@ Dave.
surprise… women have sex drives too!
I am surprise any woman would just strip and present herself to you on a first date - - but as a single woman over 40 , I will say that the desire for physical affection is hard to quench when you weeks and months without anything, and suddenly kissing stirs things up and it’s hard to stop.
I’ve learned over the years, that too much kissing makes my clothes fall off.  We need men to be strong with us and for us.
And for one of them to marry one of us…  rinse and repeat, until every single woman who desires a husband has one!

@Renae:  Each time, we sat on a couch and watched a movie.  All I did was put my arm around her.  We’d never even kissed.  We had, however, known each other for years.  It was extremely disappointing to think that for all that talk about Catholic morals, they’d just drop trou.

Too bad we don’t live near each other.  I know 3 great and faithful Catholic men who’d love a serious Catholic wife.  Problem is the good gals rarely talk, and when they do, it’s always about the baby they want their husband to give them, not about loving their husband.  The last thing a successful man wants to hear is endless proof that as soon as the baby comes, he’s forgotten.

Kevin,
I am adopted myself - so you’re preaching to the choir.
don’t throw that genetics stuff at me - I’ve been preaching it for years.  when did I say that I didn’t want to adopt?
I will adopt a child when I have a husband.  If I wanted to be a single mom, I could have done that (the old fashioned way) by now.
Unless you’d like to contribute to adoption fees and help me sell my condo that I’m underwater on. (even though I bought something I could afford).  I’m not brining a kid back to my one-bedroom condo!!

Dave, I’m in Denver.
where are these great men you’re talking about?!

Phoenix.
St Thomas the Apostle parish on 24th St.
The priests are awesome, too!

I’ve been divorced for over 30 years with an annulment and feel very called to be single. I don’t feel lonely because I have excellent friends both from church and from prayer meeting and cursillo. I get plenty of hugs from my friends. I have people in my life that I feel like a mother to and people who parent me. I have people who are brothers and sisters to me without being genetically related. There are many benefits to being single. I don’t have to explain what I’m doing to anyone. I can spend half my day in prayer if I feel called to do so. I would say that there is a serious lack of respect for my vocation. The singles pages in most periodicals are about dating, not living as a single person not looking for a mate. The church really doesn’t have anything specifically for us, although I have been accepted at one young adult discussion group which I asked permission for attending before I went. I would suggest that for those who are intent on living this type of life, reading The Sayings of the Desert Fathers might be helpful.

Lots of interesting comments! As a single, adult Catholic female, living a chaste life, I would like to thank Jennifer for such a great article. I too went through a period in my life in which I thought I was being shortchanged by the Church and left out of events. Perhaps it is a phase single chaste adults go through as we mature in our calling? Anyway, now I am not the same person. I am very involved in my Parish, I have many great and caring friends (mostly friends I have made in my parish-married with kids, without kids, widowed, single), I’m involved in my God-daughters’ lives, I have a rewarding career, I love spending time with my family and especially with God. When moments of loneliness do come along, as they do in ANY state in life, I take the opportunity to draw closer to God through prayer and adoration. It is then that my heart soaks in God’s love like parched land soaks up the rain and I am ready once again to fully live the life God has called me to live. So if any one is wondering if there really are adult singles out there, living chastely, joyfully and fruitfully all I can can say is “You betcha!” I’m one of them!

Kristopher:  I don’t recall agreeing with you on anything, and I certainly didn’t say that Jennifer should correct what she wrote.  Your posts contain a lot of run-on sentences and are very hard to follow.  I gather from your most recent post that there was something you would like me to address.  I would be happy to, but if you could just re-post it for me in isolation from the rest of your post, it would make it easier for me to see what it is that you’re wanting me to respond to.

@Dave - I’m laughing/crying at your post because my husband had that happen to him once on a first (and only) date.  He walked her back to her apartment, she invited him in to show him something that they’d discussed earlier that he’d had an interest in.  Right away, she took her shirt off.  He ran out the door.  And she chased him into the hallway!  Without her shirt on.  She was goodnaturedly yelling, “Hey, Come back here!”  but he was too busy thinking social disease and boiled rabbits and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

“I would just like to point out that the fact that there may be many single people out there who lead chaste, meaningful lives, does not imply in any way that there might not be just as many single persons living/having lived not so chastely, and being satisfied with their life”
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Increasingly in this culture, it may be *they* who think they are really happy because they have never known anything different.

Daniel said:

Justine, a Christian is not someone who asks God, “What’s in it for me?” but someone who responds to God’s selfless act of love in kind. This is regardless of what anyone may or may not have told you about Christianity and which you perceive as a false promise.

O, I missed this one, and it is very interesting. First, I think it is quite ironic to write this as a comment under a post which is whole about what is in it for homosexual people if they decide to live chastely. Hey, the author even calls single people to witness what is in it for those who listen to them!!! So now you say that christianity is about responding to God’s selfless act of love. Yeah, but that naive guy who bought the story about all the goodies which God has in store for him is now puzzled. Because if that God does not have all those goodies in store for you, then what does his supposed love consist of? You know, it is so natural to think when someone loves you he will manifest that love by doing good for you, giving you presents, etc. So it was only natural to believe that story of God’s love accompanied by goodies, since it is in accordance with the average understanding of love. And now it turns out it is not that. But then what is it?? If you are too big a fool to know when to give in, and conclude there is nothing in it but lies, you just might try to find an answer to that question (which I don’t recommend to anyone, it was not pleasurable experience to me, to say the least). And the answer you shall find is that the selfless love you mention God has for us consists in the following: God created first man Adam without such troubles as are for example homosexual tendencies. Then Adam did something wrong. God did not blame only Adam for his deed, but whole humanity. So every human being born after Adam is, without having done anything wrong personally, held guilty and subjected to suffering because of what Adam did. Then God comes in, who blamed you for nothing, and sacrifices himself so that the quilt he arbitrarily put on you can be lifted from you. But only guilt and not the suffering. So in essence God’s love consists of lifting from you only half the trouble he put on you arbitrarily, and your response to that love (which you also mention) is to be eternally grateful that he out of his love did not subject you to eternal suffering for nothing as he just as well could, but only to temporal. Whoa, that poor naive guy is really crushed now. Is THAT the famous love I was being told about? Yuck, yuck, yuck. Not only that, but that poor naive guy now wonders how can anyone find such a story attractive and pretty, because religious people tell him he should find it attractive. So he discovers the doctrine on grace which essentially says that you of yourself can do nothing to find it attractive, but God out of his pure whim brainwashes certain people to find it attractive (which is actually very useful if you have to live in such a world, and we do). And the poor naive guy now finds himself in a situation that he for years knelt and is still kneeling in front of guy whom he now finds horrible. That is the ideal setup for one to break down, nervously and in every other way. But that guy, as stupid as he might be, still has some instinct for self preservation, and he backs off. That helps tremendously. Yet, now he is angry. He wants to tell back his experience. And he goes back only to find out it is all still the same. There are still goodies stories for the naive, core teachings for the advanced, no one really cares. There is this saying that is perfect for the situation - dogs bark, caravans pass on. If you got messed up, lick your wounds by yourself. Who cares.

Justine, since you have so much anger at God why don’t you talk to Him about it?  Why do you go on a Catholic website if you are not Catholic and disagree with the Church?  Does venting your bitterness here somehow make you feel better or make you a happier person? You say “Who cares” but obviously you care a great deal to be posting multiple times here.  But what is it you are looking for here that you think we can provide?  Are you seriously expecting everyone here to say, “You’re right, Justine, I am going to convert to atheism due to your wonderful witness of bitterness.”  And if we all did do that, would that really make you happy?

Thank you so much for this article!  I had been dismayed at the lack of attention to this particular topic. Recently though, I have noticed an uptick of celibate/single articles.  I am and have been (for at least 11 years) a single, celibate, chaste female.  I wasn’t always this way, but I’ve found that after I accepted God as my soulmate and provider I was not angry, bitter, or lonely any longer (as Justine tragically illustrates).  I am very much at peace with myself and my ‘single life’.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.  God has given me such peace after I accepted what I should have accepted a long time ago.  I believe it is a vocation, and what I was called to do.  When I went against my ‘calling’ and tried my best to fit into what everyone told me I ultimately was meant to do (ie. boyfriend, then marriage) I was miserable.  I loved my husband - but not as a husband - and felt I was living a lie.  And I couldn’t put my finger on why. I knew I was supposed to be happy but I couldn’t make it work, even with Catholic counseling. It ultimately came to a head and caused me to do some unsavory things, which caused our marriage to fail – and of which I am utterly sorry for.  After that ordeal, I came back to the Church and again after a while realized I was meant to be single.  “No sex” does not equal “no joy”. I think the entire world is brainwashed that you have to have sex in order to actually live.  In my case it’s the exact opposite.  Once I realized that I was meant to be single and then finally accepted it, my whole world opened up. It became a much more beautiful and hopeful place. Granted, not everyone is meant for the single life, but I am convinced that there are those out there that will be miserable until they accept God‘s calling of the single life.  I wish I had the talent to write articles or books.  I would love to give witness to the joy that the single life provides for those that are called to and ultimately accept.  And you don’t have to be a consecrated religious to enjoy it.  My love of God and His creation has deepened and my relationship with Him has grown stronger.  So – ultimately –  has His peace within me.  God Bless!

I wanted to address something that was said in one of the responses to the blog regarding whether it’s reasonable to expect Catholics with homosexual feelings to abstain from sexual contact “forever” verses “until you find someone” as is expected of other single Catholics. I am 48 years old and never been married person, so I’m speaking of myself. But for most of us who are single this late in life, there is a reason for that. I’m not saying that there is “something wrong with us”, just that most of us are not married for a reason (or several). So remaining faithful to God in our (non) sex lives IS expecting to abstain forever.

@enness:  I envy your husband’s option to run!  There’s just no simple way to say “Are you kidding me?  Put your clothes back on and act like a Catholic….”

As a 32-year-old, still-single Catholic woman, I really appreciated this article.  It seems to me as though many of the commenters are missing the point of the article.  No one is saying that living a chaste single life is easy, or that it will never be lonely.  What the author is saying is that although it may be difficult, it can be done; and although it may not be the life that we had pictured for ourselves, it can still be fulfilling.

As single people, we need to avoid the temptation of feeling sorry for ourselves and complaining that nobody in the church notices single people.  I have found that you have to take the initiative to get involved in your parish.  Volunteer for as many ministries as you have time for—lectoring at Mass, cleaning the church, teaching CCD, singing in the choir, helping with fundraisers, serving at dinners or funeral luncheons, visiting the elderly in nursing homes, etc.  By helping out in your parish as much as possible, you will get to know your fellow parishioners and will become a more integral part of your parish family.

Yes, it can be very hard to remain single long after the age when you thought you would be married, and to watch your friends and siblings get engaged, get married, and have children, while you are left behind.  (I speak from experience.)  And yes, it can also be lonely at times.  But we can’t sit around waiting for marriage and pass by all the opportunities that God sends us to enjoy the good things in life and to serve others.  He only gives us one life, and we can use it for His glory and for the good of others, whether we be married or single.

Modern life is hard, and not only for the single.  It isolates people. Even in small towns nowadays, we are strangers to our neighbors. It used to be that in a small place, everyone had a role to play. Nowadays.we each must invented a role, write our own plays, because we have forgotten, never knew the old narrative.

Marriage is not a panacea.  Ask any man who has worked hard to provide and given his heart and soul to his wife, then seen her ignore him once the baby arrives.  Or ignores him in favor of a clutch of church gals who went from their daddy to their husband and never earned their daily bread themselves.  Many a married man wonders why he gave up half the earnings of his hard work to someone who promised before God to love him, but really sees him only as a checkbook and a sperm donor.

1.  Since Ms. (or Miss) Stimpson is the one writing the new singles blog and she is single, why is everyone reading/commenting on this blog by a married person ?  I am both puzzled and amused.  There are zero comments on the other article even though it was published back in May.  My first thought was to leave my own comment there in support and to acknowledge that I think it is vital to have a column like hers.  Also as a pushing-50 single female cradle Catholic (no kids) I found Ms. Stimpson’s short piece to be more positive and uplifting than this article.  (Sorry Mrs. Fulwiler.  I did see you on The Journey Home this past Monday and thought you were excellent.)  I also felt more “connected” to Ms. Stimpson since she actually is a post-30 single and is writing from her own heart and experience—not trying, albeit sincerely, to give advice and input from another place in life as others do.  Face it, would anyone take me seriously if I tried to give marital advice or spiritual advice to a “professional” Catholic ?

Why did I end up commenting here ?  First I prayed about it.  Second I realized everyone was commenting here and that sadly more people might read what I had to say here than on the “Real” singles’ column.

2.  An observation regarding lack of spouses.  I have been active as a volunteer in the pro-life movement for well over twenty years.  Birth control was legalized in the U.S. in 1965 by the Supreme Court case Griswold (Planned Parenthood) v. Connecticut.  That cut down on the number of children born.  Abortion was legalized in 1973 and of course reduced further the potential population born then or after.  Catholics have participated in both artifical contraception and abortion.  What the younger singles face who would like to be married but aren’t is a direct result in my opinion of birth control and abortion.  They are suffering with the rest of the world and society because of those particular sins.  I am sure they suffer greatly. 

Also I believe most abortions are performed on singles, which makes abortion a singles issue.  But I have never seen it addressed in this way.  In fact I hate to admit it but even as a single myself it took me a long time to see it from such a perspective.  Yes, I and other singles need to work to influence the pro-life movement to take another look at how it approaches single mothers/single women at risk for abortion.

I hope Ms. Stimpson and the Catholic community at large can address singles by treating the Very Real and Underlying situations in their lives such as the “reduced population affects marriage possibilities” issue.  I don’t mean just joining the pro-life movement.  I mean incorporating such understanding into approaching them on a personal, spiritual and professional basis.  Patting singles on the hand and inviting us to functions is essential, everyone needs a little TLC and hugging.  However singles need to be taken seriously by the theological and other intellectual/professional sectors. 

3.  Why is there no “theology of the single lay life” ?  Case in point.  Look at the Catechism of the Catholic Church.  Pages and chapters on religious life.  Ditto for marriage.  Maybe two or three paragraphs on single lay people.  I have looked.  Ditto for the Vatican II documents.  It’s sad that I had to read the Vatican II document on priestly celibacy to try to get some insight into the single life—- given that I am a lay person and a female.

If I were a theologian or even some kind of professor I would gladly do academic work such as I am recommending.  As it is I can offer my experience and reflections.  Go !  Ms. Stimpson, and thank you Mrs. Fulwiler and others who take time from their non-single lives to speak to us singles.

I’m single, celibate, and atheist. It is possible to have a low libido, you know. I just don’t think that is necessarily a bad thing.

I could not agree more. As a woman with 6 kids divorced against my will by my husband of 14 years the culture would have me jump back into the “dating game” and hook up with a new guy asap. Been there done that before I was married, before I fell in love with Jesus, before I became a Christian and before I came back to the Catholic church! Every few months I googled “consecrated divorcee” hoping to find an apostolate that would support me in my choice to remain faithful to my marital vow in the absence of my husband! Low and behold the other day I found what I was seeking! Solitude Myriam is just such an apostolate based in Canada that has only one or two members in the entire US! I immediately contacted them and will get more info shortly. I will start speaking out to the group of lonely divorcees who do not know that the love of Christ will give them the ability choose holiness instead of sinfulness and that they will be happy beyond their wildest dreams by choosing obedience. Lonely? With Jesus? Never!

Helene!  I keep thinking of you.  I think it is a real problem in the Church, and in other churches.  I am a married mother of three, and I would love a single woman who could show interest in me and my children and we could do things like cook together or she could help teach the kids some skill I don’t have (sewing?) or something like this.  The fact is, that we are consumed with children, but many of us are dying for adult conversation and companionship.  There must be some way to bridge this gap.

Alex:  that’s awesome!  I have always said that if God forbid my marriage ended (presumably by widowhood), I would have no interest in getting back into the dating scene.  The only thing that would remotely motivate me in that direction would be to find a father-figure for my son.  By the way, I love the spelling of “Miryam”;  I had always planned on using that for a middle name if I had been blessed with a daughter.

Sorry. I disagree. The single life IS a VERY lonely life! If you are over 30 and aren’t skinny, beautiful or witty, even the good Catholic people around you seem to find you invisible. When the community of believers who are the very Body of Christ don’t acknowledge your existence or value, one begins to doubt whether Christ himself really loves you or ever did.

At Cherie… who said, “No one is saying that living a chaste single life is easy, or that it will never be lonely.  What the author is saying is that although it may be difficult, it can be done”

SURE it can “be done”. One breath in, one breath out, repeat until today turns into tomorrow then start over again. Oh yes, it CAN, as you say “be done”. Sadly, you oversimplify it. One cannot simply WILL themselves to feel fulfilled.

if you can’t be single and happy, you sure as heck won’t be married and happy. the end.

Wow, this is a post that I thought I would never see, anywhere!

You have described me and my life, Jennifer. I am a single Catholic woman who lives a chaste lifestyle. I find much richness in this way of life, most importantly and specifically, because I KNOW that, for me, being single gives me far more time and many more opportunities to be in a type of profound contact with Jesus Christ, via prayer and contemplation. I absolutely relate to the concept of celibacy as “Being alone WITH God”. That describes my long-term feeling, & I’m grateful to have read this description.

My life is only as “lonely” as I allow it to be, most of the time. Sure, I’m human and I get lonely on occasion ~ but it is not more often than that. I know that is up to me to find and keep friends, and I do that. In fact, this is one of the great pleasures of my life; as, I have been gifted with far more than my fair share of truly wonderful people as friends. And these are dear friends, where we truly are THERE FOR each other, with few exceptions. My single state allows me energy and time to focus on a friend, and really give a lot of love by listening. It is a joy to help married friends to see the good parts of their marriages, when they are feeling distressed. This is my role, and for it I am grateful and others say they do benefit. I receive far more than I give, generally, in return.

I own a small business doing something that I love. In this, Catholic ethics have always guided my way; due to this, I have remained safe from a lot of junk that goes on in business, and that I have no wish to entertain, never mind have to fight and possibly be ‘victimized’ by.

Sexual pleasure is not a stranger to me. I did not follow the Church’s teaching or my own conscience for a time when I was younger. Thankfully, after having learned to treat myself - and others - with the respect we each are due, as the Church teaches, I have had very few real ‘hurts’ in relationships. I’ve been a Godparent, a Volunteer, a Visitor to the Sick and to those in great pain, a Mentor, Confidante, an Aunt to 3 nephews and a niece, a presenter at Church of a deep meditation using my potter’s wheel during Holy Week, for the prayerful benefit of Catechumens & Candidates.

My life is full and worthwhile. I feel God is close by. And I am, much of the time, at peace. Many people would miss me if I evaporated into the ether; so I would say, although my lifestyle is less common, it continues to have value and meaning to others besides myself.

Some readers may think this is a freakish lifestyle, and that’s their prerogative. To me, being a chaste single has grown my spiritual life exponentially, and has produced much satisfaction ~ and, quite often, a good dose of Joy.

Thanks again for bringing this topic up. It has been really nice to discuss it!

I’m a virgin and single and do admit that pretty much everyone is hooked up intimately. It’s tough to find a fun, healthy single crowd. I’ve built my own circle of friendships though when guys around me saw the benefits of being single and stopped living with their girlfriends. We still go to clubs and flirt a little but we keep our status. Being single isn’t trendy but it sure is attractive if you can manage it.

After my wife got what she wanted…...sperm enough for 3 kids, I live a sex free life.  I still love her but it ain’t easy.  I give but don’t get hugs and kisses from her.  I’m a total mush with my kids…...always hugging them.
Try being turned down by the one you love for 10 years.  I’m 46.  I’ll be lucky if I have sex before I die.
The grass is always greener.

I can think of nothing more lonely or miserable than to “play Married” for a night, a week, month, or year, and to awaken the next morning knowing that the game is over and find ones self still alone and surrounded with the flotsam and jetsam of the illusory “last night.”

Dear reader, I have had my fair share of friendships. The real relationship does not seem to work. And patients and focus are virtues. In any event. Keep me posted. Loneliness is a common thing to.

Catholic philosopher Peter Kreeft speculates that there will be romantic relationships between “kindred souls” in heaven, and this idea strikes a chord in me.  This “special communion” (not physical but spiritual intercourse) would be a particular consolation for the particular grief of not finding a soul mate in this life.  I’m 52, and my level of satisfaction with being single has varied over the years, but the yearning for a life partner is still there. It is a strange experience to intensely miss someone you have never met.  I looked into a religious vocation, saw its beauty, but felt that it was not my calling.  I seriously considered becoming a consecrated virgin and decided against it because I have a strong sense that I was meant for marriage and that something went wrong.  The consecrated single life should be a positive choice, not second best. It’s very late in the day, but I don’t want to close the door to marriage.  And then there’s companionship in eternity.

Life as a single Catholic is profoundly lonely. I am 52 and regularly attend Church, & take an active part in sacramental preparation of the young people in the Parish. I know that God will never give up on me & loves me but my ability to love Him gets more difficult rather than easier. I never thought that i would be in this position. The sad part is that there is no one that I can tell. I have no initmate friendships( i am not referring to sexual intimacy rather a closeness of being with another person).I cannot approach my parish priest, i have tried but he does not appear to understand, i have tried to ask for advice from a priest whom I thought was friend but he has not replied. I have tried to discuss it with friends at work who just tell me i am lucky and better off as I am. I never realised that the heart really does have strings which can be torn.I have never been out with anyone, never been kissed, never had a soul mate. I would have loved to know love, to be married and live and give totally within that relationship, to have had children. It would not be so painful if I was called to a spiritual vocation but I have not. Being single is not a gift it is one of the most demanding and least rewarding paths if not choosen by the person. So please pray for me and others for whom silent lonliness is hidden beneath the cheerful and supportive exterior than cloaks it.

Lord Jesus, Son of the Living God forgive us our sins as we make reparations to your Mother’s Immaculate heart, I pray, Amen. It takes only 10 seconds to fold your hands, cross yourself, pray for someone, and cross yourself. What the problem is?!! CHOOSE GOD ABOVE ALL THINGS. Jesus first, Others second, Yourself last. J.O.Y.
In a letter on May 27, 1914, Padre Pio said: “Dear God! If all were aware of your severity as well as of your tenderness, what creature would be so foolish as to dare to offend you?”

Stop in the name of Love and making the same mistake. Be not afraid. ALL THINGS ARE GOOD FOR THOSE WHO LOVE GOD. There is a healing through our Blessed Mother and Her Church that is for real and true peace. The temporary issue of loneliness in this brief life distracts souls from the eternal company of Heaven—the Trinity, the Holy Family, our loved ones, the Blessed Saints and Martyrs, the millions of Holy Angels and the Suffering Souls in Purgatory. Discuss the isolation. It will only help to challenge you to get closer to Christ. HE’S MORE POWERFUL THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. Really believe it. Regardless of our physical outcome, don’t be afraid, don’t be uptight, allow Christ’s love to flow through you. He understands you, He loves you, get outside of yourself to serve someone else. Take the focus off your own pain. Feel better. We need what you can offer. You are welcome here. Don’t hesitate.
“So that the soul from fear of the violated justice of God would not lose hope, God sends a personification of his love, the Spouse of the Spirit of motherly love, the Immaculata, all beautiful, without stain, though a daughter of men, sister of human beings. He commits the stewardship of his entire mercy towards souls. He constitutes her the Mediatrix of grace that was earned by her Son. He makes her the mother of grace, the mother of souls born of grace, reborn, and continually reborn in an always more perfect godlikeness.”
Saint Maximilian Maria Kolbe, O.F.M. Conv.

I ain’t done yet. I’m always learning. Another quote: “Marriage is a default postion.” Anthony Buono is extremely convincing if you read his blog. It’s not mandatory but it’s the precise place to start towards your vocation. Save up your pennies for AVS membership. Much like our Immaculata, a ticket to Heaven!

I ain’t done yet. I’m always learning. Another quote: “God is giving two last remedies to the world: the Holy Rosary and devotion to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. And, being the last remedies, that is to say, they are the final ones, means that there will be no others.”
“I repeat, there is no problem, as difficult as it may be, that we cannot resolve at this time by praying the Holy Rosary. With the Holy Rosary we will save ourselves, sanctify ourselves, console Our Lord and obtain the salvation of many souls.”
Lúcia de Jesus dos Santos – Sister Mary Lucy of Jesus and of the Immaculate Heart, better known as Sister Lúcia of Fátima

Our Lady of Fatima then spoke: “See, my daughter, my Heart encircled by thorns with which ungrateful men pierce it at every moment by their blasphemies and ingratitude. Do you, at least, strive to console me. Tell them that I promise to assist at the hour of death with the graces necessary for salvation all those who, in order to make reparation to me, on the First Saturday of five successive months, go to confession, receive Holy Communion, say five decades of the Rosary, and keep me company for a quarter of an hour, meditating on the fifteen mysteries of the Rosary.”