I wholeheartedly agree! I only have one child right now (she just turned one two weeks ago!), but I hope to have many more. However, last summer, when I joined weight watchers to help me lose the baby weight and get fit, several people asked me why I was bothering, since I was hoping to get pregnant again the next year. But thankfully my husband was supportive, as I did it, I am now at my goal weight, and I feel great. I wrote about it here:

http://www.ignitumtoday.com/2012/01/09/french-fries-vs-the-bread-of-life/

Thanks for a great article!

This is great!  Thanks!

I’m 7 weeks postpartum with my first, and right now my goal is just to get some exercise (like a walk, any walk) each day.  So thanks for the timely encouragement!

As a mom of 11 (24-4), I also agree wholeheartedly!  Some of the greatest ‘freedom’ I had was when I had only a few, 4 and they were 5 and under.  Seriously!

Sure, I was often tired but fun for them was an everyday trip to the park and some running around which gave all of us the exercise we needed.  The laundry was frequent but easier to fold and store.  The discussions did not revolve on stories and scandals from the news but which was the best color - pink or purple!  The only real struggle was dates w/ my dh but he knew the beauty of candles after the kids went to bed and a dinner w/ foods that touched!!

Now, I have a broad age range including teenagers and young adults - still a great ride, but laundry takes longer because you can’t put 10 pairs of pants in the machine like you can w/ babies, and the smells go from diaper issues to teenage boy sweat!!!  And you need to introduce them - when appropriate - to the complexities and flaws in the arguments for same sex marriage, premarital sex, drugs, and the general decline of morals in the world as a whole - etc., etc.

Sure, I have built in babysitters but with their commitments such as college classes, swing dance and other great plans w/ their homeschool and church friends, I still have to work out a time that works best.  My dh and I still find joy in candles after the little kids are in bed but have to balance that with when the oldest will be returning home!!  Life is never dull.

In other words - embrace the sacrament of the present moment (DeCaussade).  God wants the best for you, your spouse and your family in every stage of life - it does take some thought and planning but it is possible and infinitely rewardable.

Thanks, RW. What an inspiring comment! God bless you and your family.

This happens a lot, I agree.  I work full-time outside the home (as does my husband on an opposite schedule) and we have five children ages 10 years to 6 months old.  I attended a Business Women’s luncheon a couple of years ago that perpetuated this with the message, “You can have it all…you just can’t have it all at once.”  Of course, the message was, have your two kids, decide you’re “done” get the kids into school AND THEN, you’ll get that promotion, or whatever it might be that’s waiting for you when you don’t have young child responsibilities anymore.  it’s very discouraging.

I do believe in realistic goals, and sure, my ambitions changed when I had kids (before I had kids, I swore I’d be the youngest female CFO ever! LOL!!).  But that doesn’t have to be bad and it doesn’t have to mean I am perpetually in “survival mode”.

Thanks for this article!

Depending on the # and ages of kids, plus the skills & temperament & level of sleep deprivation of the mom, I think a key factor in the equation is the # of helping hands available & the amount of time they help.
Good for you, Jen, for offering to help!
What about those w/o a Jen F., or w/o a mother in law to the rescue?
Survival mode is better than putting too much on one person’s (mom’s) plate.

Thank you, Jen and RW! This was very encouraging. It also confirms what I’ve observed: some of the most put-together moms I know have 6-8 kids under 10 years of age. It is possible!

I’m not sure how realistic your ideas are, for moms—or dads—of small children.  But if parents are able to find the time for hobbies, exercise, etc. while raising young children, I think that’s great.

Wonderful article! Thank you for the insite!

Thanks RW and Jennifer! This was really great and much needed.

I’m a homeschooling mother of 10 children ages 4 months through almost 20 years old.  Not sure I can do all of the above mentioned things (4 of my kids are under 5 years old right now).  I do think it’s a nice idea but I also like to not feel the pressure that I’m failing on any given day, week, or month (or year :) ) because my house isn’t tidy, I haven’t worked out in this decade, and I have zero hobbies.  I do get up everyday and TRY really hard to at least look “put together” and I take a walk almost everyday.  I think it’s REALLY important for moms to be kind to themselves and to other mothers. THAT would go a long way in relieving the stresses of having lots of kids (and lots of little kids).  A good read and thought provoking.  God bless you and your family!

R.W. - you sound like a beautiful woman! I loved your comment! I hope after 11 kids (or even 6) I sound half as put together as you do :) May God bless you and your family.

Thank you Jennifer, for for such a timely article. I have 7 children (9mths-11yrs), and I have received this kind of well-meaning “advice” from folks that should know better. Keep up the great writing, for it is a great comfort to know that I’m not the only one in this busy/crazy stage of big family motherhood.

Very inspiring, but could you do a follow-up article on HOW to do this?  For example, I typed the beginning of a more in-depth comment two hours ago, and even now have been interrupted twice.  No idea how I’d go about exercising, spending alone time with hubby, etc.

Awesome yey! With 2 in diapers I went back to school for my masters and my goodness if I havent had mixed commentary there. Mostly from everyone especially family I hear something like “God forbid you have another baby now while in your studies!” But the thing is, I value fertility more than a degree or that career. My family is my priority and I’m not putting them off. Again if I feel I can take it on, don’t attempt to dissuade me. I’m a mom. I’m hardcore! Great stuff jen as always!

You picked the wrong day to tell me I should be thriving.  I am sure I am not the only homeschooling and working mom with x kid who is getting fatter by the minute and moved to tears by the thought of how to get it all in, sleep, and pay the bills.  Even with the best husband in the world, which I have, it’s still not time to thrive…survive is more like it.

I do try to keep aregular exercise regimen and am the mother of six.  If i didn’t i would get stressed out and take it out on my kids.  All the hobies and other stuff are on the back-burner i agree.  But your health (spiritual, mental and physical) is something that you should not neglect.

@ Amy—I’m with you, Sister!  And I want to throw out there the word ‘priorities.’  What each of us thinks is important to do, spend time on, accomplish, is different.  Me, I just want to R.E.A.D. every single minute I get.  Working out?  Are you nuts?  When I have extra time, I go to what makes ME feel like the person I need to be for my family.  We each need to assess what it is that we need to make us the best wife/mother/daughter of God.

Moms ROCK!

Right on! The thing I often forget is that if I do things that make me feel good about myself, I am a happier person. If I am a happier person my kids have a joyful mom. If they see me as a joyful mom they won’t see having a big family as an unreasonable burden. I have to do things that make me feel good for the good my family. Sometimes it’s as simple as a coat of mascara, sometimes it’s pursuing a fitness goal like a half marathon. Whatever it is, it’s another tool in the arsenal of joyful living, and no one should talk a person out of that!

And to all the mommies wondering how the heck they can do anything at all, I started with the goal of getting a shower every day. That is it. And some days I failed. (Especially during a particularly awful virus that plagued the house.) But I didn’t beat myself up over it, I just resumed my daily ritual when I could. That’s the hardest part, I think. Moving past the “I failed again.” feelings. We’re all going to be interrupted in the pursuit of our goals. So far I’ve signed up for four marathons and run zero. Sounds like life, right?

What an awesome post!  I think some of the people leaving comments may need to reread the second to last paragraph!  Thank you for encouraging us!

The sound in the home with little ones, reminds me and the world that “LIFE” is happening! NO day is without trials or joy! IT is a daily reminder that God is working in our midst.  Yes, I have been tempted repeatedly to put things off because I thought I couldn’t; with all the obligations that surrounded our household.  However, I am so glad that I headed my own advice of being available to do things if time permitted and made me more creative to ‘making the time’ to do things that would keep me positive.  I have found that by making time to do things that I love and utilize my God-given gifts, I am a living example to my children to keep alive what is good and what brings joy to my life.  It in turn, brings them joy to imitate, imagine and be productive in the ways each of them have been blessed by God.

As the mother of a grown non-Catholic DD with two children under three and a third expected this year, I submit a different side of the issue:  my generation and the mothers who raised us have let the culture down.  Our acceptance of contraception has produced a self-centered society that worships at an altar composed of convenience, leisure, status and stuff.  If I’d known then what I know now… but I didn’t.

Multi-generational living is one answer.  DD had two hours to herself this morning because the little ones were with me, across the street. 
When she goes to work tomorrow, they will be here again.  When the blessed day arrives that DD works just one day per week, we will be assisting with homeschool.  DH and I sacrificed our entire lifestyle to be here and we don’t regret our decision.  We’ll do what it takes to stay close to them so long as they want it that way (so far, so good - boundaries are key).

But our situation is very rare, I think.  Our culture’s emphasis on leisure bankrupts the quality of our lives.  Living requires life, which starts out small, demanding and messy :).

Our direct presence in DD’s family life is very helpful, but she’s just as stressed as the next Mom. 

I relate to the question of “how??” because when the babies are with me, I have to have realistic expectations. A great day is when I get the dishes done, meals and snacks served and a load of laundry or trip to the garden to accomplish some small task is a bonus.  If I want to do anything uninterrupted, it must happen early in the morning before the day gets going because I’m not a night person.  I think it helps to know yourself and take advantage of a little time at an early or late hour to focus on something.

Moms, DO help each other!  I’ll be praying for you.

Thank you so much for this, Jen!  I must guiltily admit that I sometimes focus too much on the cross of having young children and I probably “help” the contraceptive mentality because I confirm their greatest fears of motherhood equalling life being frazzled all of the time with myself barely “getting by” with the kids.  I’m so grateful to have found a community of supportive Catholic women through my parish, the blogosphere etc. where we encourage one another, and refresh each other with the occasional “girl time” outing so that we return to our families with a clearer and more positive perspective about our vocations, knowing we are not alone! God Bless!

Our youngest is six months old and my husband recently started our family on a calisthenics regimen; he leads the boys (and me) in sit ups, leg lifts, jumping jacks and the like.  When the weather is good I squeeze in a short jog while the baby naps (my “jogging trail” laps around the house, so I am close by with the baby monitor).  The days I do get a run in, I feel incredibly accomplished.  I have heard so many moms say “I’ll get back to X or Y when the kids are older,” but as RW wisely pointed out, older kids sometimes take up more time than the littles!

How great it is to read about all you amazing mothers…where are you all? I’m in southern Alberta now and I must saythat the moms here are amazing. I regularly see beautiful, fashionable and fit moms with at least three little ones. Example, help and encouragement is what is needed amongst us! Although I’m catholic, I’d like to give a big thanks to the faithful Mormons out here. Coming from southwestern Ontario I was looked at like a freak with three little ones. Now I have three little ones and a big bump, in southern Alberta people smile at you instead of stare. A huge help I recieved was God first, husband second, kids third and hobbies last. HUSBAND before children.
God

Thanks for the great comments! To Diane and others who asked about a follow up: I definitely hope to do that, and in the meantime here’s a post I wrote a while back that has some specific details about thriving during the baby/toddler years: http://bit.ly/zrU6NF
.
And I thought it would be amusing to follow up to say that the day I wrote this ended up being one of those awful days when everything that could go wrong did go wrong, and I snapped to my husband that I was going to change the title to “Moms of Young Children: Maybe We Should Just Give Up”. :)

I am so struck by the beauty of so many simple stories here.  Mothers striving to do their best, given so many circumstances.  I remember having a really bad day, being under the weather and finding myself a little p.o.‘d about the whole thing, talking with a priest,(and a friend) who was in the confessional.  I was a really young Mom with four kids.  I said in anguish:  “But it’s like God is asking me to run a marathon—-only original sin left me with just ONE leg!”  And he said (so tenderly)  “Because He wants you to *let Him* be your other leg!”  Oh dear Lord, so true!  Still so true.  Now, today, (four more kids later) my goals are:  To get up, offering my day to God, “whip out” a shower and a good appearance for my husband, (sometimes in excruciating stages) Make sure everyone is LOVED,clean, fed,and ready for learning, “whip out” some more cleaning, washing and folding, (most of the closets in the laundry room!)Meditation on the readings of the day, (I love the Bishop’s website)Some GOOD reading (including what everyone HERE wrote)*Reflecting* in the light of God as much as I *can*—-and WHEN you can (often after years of struggling, hit and miss toward the goal)  That daily tryst, with my great *beloved* at Holy Mass, (sigh) rosary coming, rosary going….anything, anything, ANYTHING else, that I can actually accomplish *astonishes* me! And oh yes—- (still hit and miss)—-that examination of conscience at the end of the day, with aspirations for the next…(sigh) (Just *one leg, my God*)

Thanks for this post. I’m a doctoral student with two kids, 2.75 years and 9 months. My husband is also a doctoral student. Honestly, the hardest thing for us so far has been slogging through the discouraging comments we get on a regular basis.

Very true!
The mentality “you shouldn’t try to do ANYTHING when you have young children” is really widespread. And some moms are even “proud” because they look like victims of natural disasters, neglect their husbands and have no hobbies. They think that’s “proof” they spend all their time on kids.
But somehow they manage to find time to gossip about that good-looking always smiling neighbour with 3 young kids ... “she looks happy & healthy, she always has great hair, she reads books ... well, she must be a bad mother :-))

I think Steph C hit the nail on the head: a lot depends on how much help a mom has (her own mom nearby, for example). Money is another factor.  Some people can’t afford to hire babysitters, eat out once in a while, and buy those new beauty products occssionally, etc. 

When I had five kids under eight, I could **not** do most of what Jennifer has on the list. I was in survival mode.  That was okay with me.  I savored the moments as much as possible, and my older kids and I have beautiful memories of those days. They remember that I played with them and read stories to them.  They don’t care if my outfits looked nice or not.  They don’t care if my hair was pulled back in a ponytail and I had no make up on. I was young, so going for walks was enough in terms of physical fitness.  Heck, just taking care of the kids meant being constantly on my feet, and that was truly enough a lot of the time.

I was RELIEVED when a priest, who was from a family of seven, said to me, “Don’t worry about doing _____.  You;re in survival mode right now.”  I was relieved because I had been thinking that there was something wrong with me for NOT being able to do all of those things!

Maybe this is where Steph C’s comments about temperament come in.

As mother of twin two-year-olds, I know about cutting down to bare minimum. HOwever, together, my husband and I have prioritized exercise. He is a dedicated bicyclist and I’m into cardio kickboxing. Consequently, I am in the best shape of my life! We trade time on the weekends so we can get our workouts in. We both work full-time and there are times when the house is a disaster. (Did I mention that we try to do small house repairs to our fixer-upper too?) But exercise is a mood booster and gives us energy for the rest of the day. If we work as a team and talk about what we should prioritize, things go so much better—whether it’s a small chore or grocery shopping.

As long as your children SEE you and your husband praying for all things- big and small, what you are capable of will become clear and your priorities will fall into place.

I appreciate this post, but I agree with a few others: the HOW would have a great practical impact.  I have 3 aged 2 mos to 5 years and I find that the single biggest obstacle to my doing anything OTHER than simply *survive* each day is the sleep deprivation.  I have so many things I would love to get done each day… I’ve consulted books and friends (from “A Mother’s Rule of Life” to these blogs) and I have found many great systems.  But I have to say that, for me, none of these work when i. am. so. tired.  (Ironically, it’s the 2 1/2-year-old that is currently the greatest impediment, but there are health reasons for this.)  We live in an area that is cold and wintry 6 months out of the year and are 100-700+ miles from our relatives, which makes things hard, too (though we have no scorpions here!). ;-)  At this point, I have decided to simply accept that this is “just a phase” of life, that it will pass, that I can find joy in the time with my children while they are so small, and I remind myself that my babies will never again be as small as they are at this moment.

RMMT, I have a six month old (and homeschool my other three kids) and I agree, the two month infant stage is not a time to start an exercise routine.  You’re still recovering from birth!  I found it took me up to four months, with a vaginal birth, before I felt like doing anything beyond taking care of the baby and the other kids’ needs.  I don’t have any relatives living nearby either.  One tool that has worked wonderfully for me other postpartum times is the DVD “Walk Away the Pounds.” It sounds silly, and feels silly at first, but you can get a decent, quick workout during a time span that would be a short newborn nap. And it has different levels of difficulty, as well. My kids, even at age 2 and 3, loved “walking” with me when I did this!

As a Catholic mom of 4 boys in 4 years,
I can totally relate! Last January I turned 30 and decided to make time for exercise, eating right & challenging my mind. One year later, I am 55 lbs. lighter physically and much lighter emotionally, as well! By losing weight I can be a better playmate for my kids, & I can keep up with my outdoor loving husband. Also, by making time to exercise, it forces me to count on my husband, which was hard for me…just letting go of the control. We are better partners now because of it! Spiritually, I have never felt closer to God, nor have I had such a deep devotion to our mother, Mary. I constantly ask for prayers & patience to make everything work. Best wishes to ALL moms wanting to make a change!

Great.  Now not only do I feel the pressure that to be a good Catholic mom not only do I have to keep a decent house, raise happy well-educated saints, and make healthy meals on a tight budget but now I have to also have to keep up a hobby, stay fit, look good and project a happy and together image to the culture so that they will want to be like me.  Except that it will all be fake because I will really be a nervous wreck.  I think I will just stick to what I can handle and not worry about the rest.  Everyone is different so I disagree with settings standards of what “moms” should be doing. Just do as much as you can do and don’t tell others what they should be doing.

THANK YOU for this. As a twenty-something looking toward marriage, I am often tempted to dread motherhood because it will signal the end of all my hobbies and adult interests. On the other hand, it seems to me that setting aside time for things that are important to you sets a good example for kids about time management and prioritizing.

I fully agree with the comments that this is a deception of contraceptive culture. Have you seen a birth control ad recently? They always feature travel, creative goals, and spontaneous fun - things that of course would be “impossible” once one has a baby.

Jennifer is right.  We need to not *focus* on the obstacle.  A good friend of mine literally *walked off* years of baby weight, because she found that she actually ENJOYED her walking regimen.  And yes, 10 years of *depression* that went with it.
Discouragement hits *all* of us—We must never, never, NEVER give into sadness, when it *looks* like it is all “hitting the fan”!! (I try to make my daughter laugh at herself when she is PMSing.  Hormones really can really mess with you too.)  When things look particularly crappy, and I can’t seem to shake the “heaviness” of my day or night, (sleep deprived Moms are heroes!!!) I find some relief and actual happiness in making that very burden an offering and a prayer with the suffering of Jesus.  It’s kind of like a “secret weapon” for not getting caught in a downward spiral, (ha ha devil!)because I know I can offer it for someone who truly *doesn’t know the remedy*...maybe a Mom considering an abortion, or someone despairing on their death bed…I think we will be shocked some day, at how this grace was truly instrumental in helping us, and people all over earth and in purgatory.  Shocked.  Communion of the Saints.

Right on MM!!  Just stick with what works for you, your marriage and your children—THAT is what you/we should be doing.  I have had many friends tell me that I make them feel so much better when they come to my house…..yes, you heard right.  They feel better about their lapses in housekeeping when they see my enormous faults in this area.  But you know what, my friends keep coming over.  I don’t take offense in the least that someone would consider me a slob or ‘weak’ in housekeeping skills.  Oh yeah, and my hairstyle/makeup or I should say LACK OF either….  And as I am not upset by a left-handed compliment, I’m also not worried about what my friends do or don’t do with their time/energy.  They are my friends and I love them.  Just as my husband does not love me for my looks or my housecleaning or laundry (which I AM good at)or any hobbies I do or don’t have….he loves me for my heart which is what I am to my family and our home.  If we lose sight of this, we lose everything.  For me to stay the heart of my family, I need some quite prayer time each morning and the chance to read for at least a couple of minutes each evening.  I need to be able to throw a gourmet meal on the table or a bowl of cereal and have the family say, Great! either way.  I need to be able to go watch my kids play their sports, visit with other parents (commiserating the joys and difficulties of raising kids). 

For me, this time is just flying by.  I wouldn’t want to miss a minute of it….well, okay, there are some hours and days that I wish I didn’t have to deal with but there’s confession and the Eucharist to cover all those times!

Thanks for the chance to chat with adults!

Wonderful article!

Just now pregnant with our first, and I am starting now (with the help of a wonderful little book, called “A Mother’s Rule of Life”) to get us into a routine, so that when baby comes in just a few months, I’ve already got myself in the habit of taking the time for meditation and reflection, which are scheduled into my already hectic day. I received some great advice from my older sister (mom of three, ages newborn-4), when she said that I have to give myself permission to relax the standards I hold for myself. God doesn’t want us to be lazy, but there comes a point when all you can do is get a shower and get one good meal on the table. And that’s okay. Any one of you wondering how to start, I encourage you to pick up that book (it’s available on Amazon); I’m learning some incredible things already, and although my house still isn’t perfectly clean, I am finding myself a much less harried and stressed wife and soon-to-be mother.

Thanks for your article, Jennifer.  And bigs hugs to all the moms out there. I must say that I wish people wouldn’t take your article the way some are- you’re not saying people have to do all this, but it can be a good time to do it! I know I find myself feeling much better if I do my hair and put on some mascara. No, it doesn’t get done half the time, but I like it when it happens. Same with my house!  It’s amazing having it picked up, but I’m not going to stress (mostly ;) ) when it’s a mess. 

I have a toddler and a newborn and although we were in survival for the past 6 weeks (she was colicky and all I could do was hold her all day until the next crying period hit) I am feeling really antsty about getting things “back together.” 

I started a work at home business a year ago and it contributed to about 15% of our income this year (every little bit helps!). Incidentally, I have found that the more I have to get done, the better I want to be at it.  I get much more done now than I had to when I had only one and wasn’t doing this at home work.

I agree that temperament plays a lot in to this.  I know people that really can’t handle stress and keep life super simple and that’s fine.  There are others that seem they are happier the more they do.  For me, even though at times I wish I didn’t have to do the work, I am finding the skills I need to develop for my work at home are only benefitting me personally.  i am not organized or prompt by nature, but I totally see a slack in my business if I procrastinate or don’t keep organized.  I know God is using it to help me be a better person!  (Wait so why am I commenting on a blog instead of working?! I’m a work in progress!)

Survival is fine, but when we get that itch for something more (like your friend obviously had, we shoudl seize it!

“and I snapped to my husband that I was going to change the title to ‘Moms of Young Children: Maybe We Should Just Give Up.’” :)

This made me laugh out loud!  Thanks for the great article, and the follow-up comment.  I really enjoy your perspective.  I have found in a similar way, that when I challenge myself to try to “fit-in” something which previously seemed impossible, God almost always gives the grace and/or the time to accomplish the task.  Of course, there are also those days when nobody eats anything but cereal and pre-made snack items around here!  I guess the ideal is to remain flexible, and infuse some energy on the good days, but realize that you are also thriving on the so-called “bad ones,” in the eyes of heaven.

As a mom of four kids under eight (and two more in Heaven from miscarriages), I read this post with mixed emotions. Yes, the reality is that moms need words of affirmation such as this in order to take care of themselves, pursue personal goals, and ultimately be a more well rounded, integrated parent. But I feel this article also falls into that trap that so much of our orthodox-Catholic rhetoric does, over simplifying and dichotomizing where neither is helpful. My husband and I are blessed with a large (by current standards) and growing family, and we joyfully live our commitment to marriage in the context of the Church’s moral teaching: openness to life, NFP, etc etc.  We also both work full time, and we send our kids to public school where, contrary to the dire warnings of some family members, they have not sprouted three heads, apostasized, or demonstrated any other major adverse effects.  For us, the single-income, homeschooling life has never been a financial option, and I say that with great respect for all those who have made it work. We both work in jobs with relatively flexible schedules and have doubtless taken some salary hits to do so. But we make it work, and our kids are learning their faith, growing academically, and generally doing fine (they probably watch too much TV, and I am able to write this response only because I let them play a video game to keep them out of my hair).  That being said….I am frustrated by yet another article that seems to equate Catholic womanhood to dinner prep, housekeeping, and maybe touching up your lipstick or going to the gym if your husband gives you the time.  Personally, I’d love to have a day that I was in pajamas till dinner…because it would be a day I didn’t have to work, take anyone to speech therapy or drs appts, drop off drycleaning, etc. I understand and appreciate the content of this article and so many others like it. But can we get a shout out to all the moms—and dads—out there whose vision of living Catholic family life encompasses some different challenges as well?

Shannon, I really recommend “Your Labor of Love” (for expectant mothers) and “Your Vocation of Love” by Agnes Penny (TAN Publishing). These books both helped me so much and read and re-read them with every new child.

On a different note, I have found that everything falls into place when my life flows from prayer. If my prayer life falters, so goes the family and my health. And…if you can combine walks or exercise WITH the rosary…how much better!

We only “survive” when prayer lives suffer. Thriving flows from prayer. Ladies, beware of being Martha!!! All serving and no praying makes us mean mommies!

It has been my experience that every mom is very very different.  My post partum days were always filled with PPD, severe PPD after the birth of my youngest. Sleep deprivation and chronic illness (in mom, dad and the kids)left me in survival mode for over 2 years and then I got mono.  Having any sort of ambition outside of keeping everyone fed and clean was out of the question.  Although we did always walk.  I think mothers of many small kids need to be realistic that this is a phase of life and there is not alot of time for you to do hobbies. Unless of course you have family or a money for a babysitter.  That is a completely different story.

Now that my kids are “middle aged” kids life is so much easier and I can truly be present to them in a deeper way.  That is because I am well and they are well.  No one gets sick anymore.  They got everything they needed to get in their early years I guess. I loved my babies but I am much more suited to be a mom of older kids.  After observing many mothers of infants I came to realize that my experience was very different from theirs.  PPD changes the face of everything and makes babyhood more challenging that the unusual challenges.  I am much more whole now.  Looking back I do not see what I could have done differently.  I love motherhood but I also love my work, my husband, my extended family, my friends, my community and my hobbies. It is a gift to be able to have all these other people/things in my life now and it makes me a better mom as well.

“We only “survive” when prayer lives suffer”  No that is not the case. Sometimes life gives you more than you can handle and you manage by surviving each day.  My prayer life was very consistent.  I prayed the 23rd psalm for almost 2 years in hope.  Survivial mode was because I had a mental illness and constant physical illness because caring for 3 kids under 5 was more than I could handle despite my constant prayers.  I just don’t want to set other moms up for expectation that is they prayer everything is always peachy.  No sometimes it is really really bad but you should keep praying for the grace to surivive it all.  I had everyone praying for me all the time.  It was so hard for me to accept what was is front of me was anything close to an answer to prayer.  It all depends on your circumstances and abilities.  Some moms just need to keep praying and everything just seems to keep on going.

Motherhood, if you can find a copy of “The Gift of Faith” by Tadeusz Dajzcer, I highly recommend it. I’m not saying that prayer just makes your problems go away. That would mean we treat God as a genie in a bottle more than our Lord. The book I recommend is a different approach to spirituality that looks at everything as a grace when seen through the eyes of faith. Having a terrible day? What grace is being offered to me? Is this a chance to see my littleness and how much I need God? Just scolded my son too harshly…how can the Blessed Mother help me through this? How is God purifying me like gold in fire through this “failure”? When I say “thriving” I don’t mean that our lives look great and perfect in the eyes of the world. By thriving, I mean heading toward greater sanctity through the good AND bad times. Because it’s only in prayer that we can see the graces God has given us in the moments of our day and the seeming failures. When we check out of our prayer lives, we can become overwhelmed and start to feel like we’re only treading water. Really, if you read the book (a Families of Nazareth Movement resource) your outlook on the difference between happiness and real joy (in all circumstances) will change.

It must be lovely to be strong and healthy and confident that you have the energy to take care of any amount of young children. What about the chronically ill? Those not blessed with good health need contraception to be able to care properly in the first place, instead of incapacitaing an already weak body.

@A.  No, artificial contraception not only poisons the body (human pesticide!)  It poisons the soul, and then the relationship with one’s husband.  Natural family planning is the logical answer for the body, the soul and the relationship.

There are seasons. Sometimes we thrive. Sometimes we cry in the closet. The days are rare now that I can do what I did when I “only” had 4 small kids (I have 6 now). But there are times when it works out. Times when I am fit. Times when I am like a large jelly doughnut. I don’t believe I have ever met a mother of many who really is always thriving. The greatest disservice other moms did for me in my early years of motherhood was to tell me only positive things about our shared lifestyle. They thought they were encouraging me but when I failed time and time again, I mistakenly thought that I was the only one. That’s why mom blogs rock… now I know that other moms cry in the closet, too. :)

One final important point: There are many moms out there who are suffering tremendously, overwhelmed by their failures. They hardly have enough energy to rise in the morning to face the day, let alone exercise. When one of these moms is inspired to make a positive change, there is the chance that she will not accomplish her goal. If we’re going to encourage each other we’ve got to remember to be there in those moments, too. Not cheerleader “rah! rah! Get up! You can do it!” but kneeling with her at the foot of the Cross where she can she see God standing in the gap. As hard as it is to dwell on, it is true that some people (for various reasons such as chronic illness) will be in “survival” mode every day of their lives until the end. It is a particular suffering that does not exclude a life of joy and faith. But it is hard, hard, hard.

You are so right!  I can’t tell you how many times I have shared my goal of finishing college and been met with “forget it,you are already way to busy!” Whenever someone tells me to shelf something until this season of my life is over I just smile, but inside I am screaming,“do you know how long this season has been and potentially could still be for me?” I LOVE this calling, and all that comes with it, but I would like to be able to still pursue some of my other interests and enjoy the energy and confidence that comes with that. I am always so inspired buy your work and love having you as this awesome voice for the culture of life.  Can’t wait to read your book.

Actually, copper IUDs and regular old condoms are very safe for the body. They are far more effective and reliable. Also, birth control hormones are prescribed for other uses, such as regulating hormones in women with PCOS, for example.

Sometimes other health issues need to be stabilized before deciding to start a family. Why risk both lives when not necessary? Shouldn’t giving the best chance for a healthy life be more important?

Good idea.  I was reading some of the other comments and it seems some people are worried about an increase in expectations along with the shattering of the “mom of small kids” lifestyle stereotype.  I totally get that.  I have three kids ages 6yr-6mo and the oldest are only 18 months apart.  When they were littler, I just prayed to God that I could somehow keep it together.  Things are still crazy alot, but now that I have more confidence in my skills and two preschoolers who are actually helpers sometimes, I am definitely ready to stop feeling like I can’t have a life until my youngest starts kindergarten.  I guess the key, and I believe the spirit of the above article, is that we are here to encourage one another.  We all have different backgrounds, resources, spouses, and temperaments so maybe we need to support the mom without a clean dish in her house (which includes me because I got caught in the blogosphere) and the mom who feels she might be able to fit in scuba lessons between diaper changes both equally.  After all, if Mom B doesn’t execute those scuba lessons, we’re going to tell her it’s all right and that you’ll have that with small kids sometimes, right?

@A, Actually No.  IUDs have a looooong history of infection and sterility.  They cause abortions because they do not allow the newly conceived human being to implant.  Sometimes implantation does occur.  My O.B. lost his own child in the last trimester due to an I.U.D.  The drug companies have been sued for decades because they maim and kill women.  They also know, for instance that 1 in 16,000 users of Yaz will die of a fatal blood clot, but birth control is an enormous cash cow, so they settle out of court knowing they will reap huge profits.  One study shows the risk of breast cancer to be a thousand fold for women who use the pill for four consecutive years before becoming pregnant for the first time.  As for condoms, they have about a 10% failure rate.  They are like trying to keep the AIDS virus out with a chain link fence.  For monogamous couples, first of all they are a gross, buzz-kill (let’s be honest, like trying to eat with saran wrap in your mouth) But most importantly, they create a monumental barrier to a life affirming mentality.  It says “no” to the most fundamental aspect of our humanity, which needs deeply to be affirmed.  They most definitely lead to an anti-life mentality.

“When we check out of our prayer lives…..we can become overwhelmed and start to feel like we’re only treading water”

Oh Lisa Marie if you could hear what I said it was that my prayer life gave me the grace to keep going.  Unless you have battled a post partum mental illness or have some education in it it would be very hard for you to understand.  I was overwhelmed and it was not because I did not have the spiritual insight I needed to understand God.  I know your intentions are good but if you have any moms in your life with a severe PPD please don’t say things like this to them it will only heap a bunch of spiritual guilt on them that they do not need.

Thanks so much for this. I have been letting myself think all these things throughout my pregnancy, and I am happy to hear that this can be a time to thrive.

I think this is especially important that women my age (20s) hear this. I am (and many others my age are) a. the sole income-earner of the family, b. coming from or are in a period of unemployment or underemployment, c. in debt for our education, d. unable to take much time off work, and e. live far from family who could help out.

My husband and I are so grateful for our baby and the last thing we need to hear is that we won’t be able to cope with this! Times are hard and there is no way we could go into this believing that life will fall apart because we have to do this! Thats what is before us, we have to be courageous. God is good and has always blessed us with grace and provision for what we need. There is much comfort in this and very little comfort in hiding in fear, i.e, the pill.

Motherhood, it was not meant to place guilt upon you. In fact, it was meant to be a word of hope and consolation. There is a meaning and there is grace in EVERYTHING we experience. I do know moms who have suffered from PPD. As well as women (dear friends) who are suffering deeply everyday for their choices to have abortions when younger. They found healing and peace through the spirituality of grace found in suffering. You’re right. I don’t know you. And I don’t know the extent of your problems. But I have witnessed the worst in human suffering and the deepest sorrow. And I know that there is healing and peace found in abadonment to Divine will. Please, look into the Families of Nazareth Movement or at least “The Gift of Faith”. I would and have recommended this to ANYONE who is suffering.

I’m so glad you deleted your words! Mums are under so much pressure to get everything ‘right’we second guess ourselves. We need to give each other the confidence to make our own decisions about raising our children and what does and does not suit our own particular situation. I’m just trying everyday to do the best I can with what I’ve got. And you know what? It’s enough! There is nothing wrong with me if a can’t carry out an exercise regime, or get a degree or get out of my pyjamas. But there is also nothing wrong with me if I can!

Hi there,

What’s up, just wanted to tell you, I loved this post? It just so very helpful. Keep on posting!

I just wanted to add that you can combine your goals/ hobbies as well.  Say you like to paint or be crafty do those things with your children, even little ones.  Do your project and let them do theirs or try to imitate yours.  I realize this doesn’t work for babies but for toddlers and up go for it.  Also say you want to work out.  Go for a walk/bike ride with your kids or play a game together such as red light/green light etc…. I am trying to remind myself that playing/spending time with the kids for a half of an hour each day is more important than folding that load of laundry.  I am not perfect and thank God no one else is so just do the best you can and only God and you can be the judge on what your best is.