Yesterday I was hanging out in my daughter’s class at our parish Mother’s Day Out program, and one of her classmates came up to me while I was sitting on the floor. The three-year-old boy approached with a smile and asked if I could help him get a stray wheel back on his truck. As I fumbled around with the repair, I felt like I should make conversation. Not having had enough coffee to come up with a topic that was both interesting and appropriate to someone who can still count the number of years he’s been alive on one hand, I defaulted to the age-old question: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” As soon as I did, I regretted it.
It sounds like an innocent question, and I know that people who say it don’t mean any harm (case in point: me). Nevertheless, I dream of it being retired from our cultural lexicon.
Because the expected answer to this question is always a type of job, it reinforces the idea that the way to find identity and value is through career. Our society is already saturated with messages that the title on your business card is directly connected to your worth as a human being. When kids are bombarded by the questions about which job they’ll eventually hold, it trains them to view adult life through the lens of their place in the workforce.
Similarly, it undermines the concept of vocation. Recently I saw a coloring book where kids could choose to decorate the picture that represented what they wanted to be when they grew up. Among the options were a nurse, a lawyer, a veterinarian, a police officer, a firefighter, and a mom. It was disturbing to see the fruits of a worldview that has no understanding of the difference between a vocation and a job, with motherhood listed alongside ways to get a paycheck. And when a child is constantly encouraged ponder her future career—with the issue posed, as it often is, as one that will define her life—it channels her discernment efforts toward whether she wants to be a musician or a teacher, rather than the more important question of whether she’s called to married life or religious life.
All that said, I do understand where the question comes from, and why it’s useful. It’s like the ubiquitous question of the adult world, “What do you do?”: It’s a shorthand way of getting to know people. If you ask someone “What do you want to be when you grow up?”/“What do you do?” and he answers “corporate tax attorney,” that gives you a pretty good feel for his interests and talents, as would the answers “microbiologist,” “ballerina,” or “professional alligator wrestler.” It’s a quick way to learn a lot about someone’s personality, and is a great conversation starter for situations where you need to make polite chitchat.
So I get it. But I wish there were a more widespread understanding of the concept of vocation, as well as of gifts and charisms, so that we could use those topics to get to know others. Because people in this society—children especially—need all the reminders they can get that they are not defined by their careers.
Comments
Post a Comment
Next time someone asks me “What do you do?”, I’m going to try to remember to say something like “I try to do my best for my wife and kids.”
On the other hand, this traditional question places the correct emphasis on the main task of childhood: Becoming an adult.
To the best of my knowledge, the past two or three decades are the first in history in which this simple fact has been forgotten. The children of previous generations enjoyed cartoons like Popeye, Superman, and Bugs Bunny—all adults, all older than the child himself. It’s hard to explain Muppet Babies and Tiny Toons within this context. Now, of course, the idea that children are always smarter than their parents—ESPECIALLY the dad—is no longer a humorous inversion, it’s the new cliche, reinforced at every turn by radio, television, and the movies.
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy”. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life.” — John Lennon
I once had a high school teacher ask me what I wanted to be ‘when I grow up.’ I suspect it was because I was probably not paying attention to her liberal spin on history and she was trying to get my attention. Anyways, I confidently responded that I wanted to be a mother. She retorted with asking me if I wanted to be anything more than ‘just a mom.’ To this day I still remember looking her square in the eyes and replying, ‘nope.’ Part of it was the contrary teenager in me and the other part was sincere. As a mom now, and a stay at home one to boot, I still see this teacher every now again and I still think of that moment in class. I have had careers and actually work a little bit part time, but I wouldn’t say those define me the way being a mom and a wife does. Or at least I don’t think they do!
____
Great piece, thank you. :)
Jennifer, I have had this same discomfort when talking to children about it.
With my own children, whenever the topic arises of “what to be” (and ,really, adulthood, as commenter Howard points out), I always remind them that the most important thing, as far as I am concerned, is that they grow up is to be a kind and hard-working person who serves the Lord.
My 5-year-old always responds to this question with “a dad.”
“Trying to stay out of the confessional” or “...out of trouble.” are the two phrases I always come back with when asked “How are you?”
I agree, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is deceptive. As if there is anything else than being a person; how much more can there be? Maybe we should ask, “Have you discerned the talents God has gifted you?” I know it sounds strange, but so does “God dying on a cross to save me.”
When working for a once famous women’s college, I was saddened at the fact that young women seemed confused and did not know what they wanted out of life or what they wanted to be. In sharing this sadness with the president of the college, a woman religious, she asked back: “Did you know what you wanted to be at their age?” To which I replied, Oh yes! I always wanted to be a mother!” Her reaction was to shake her head, look down and walk away from me. See, I wasn’t confused, she was, and is the reason why so many young women felt lost or insecured in their young adult lives! No one had taken the time to teach them the meaning of vocation or the true value of work. Thanks for the article Jennifer!
I will be graduating from college in the spring and I recently had a similar conversation with a friend about this same topic. I have found that I have thought of my future and “what I want to be when I grow up” as something permanent. The emphasis placed on career made choosing a major rather intimidating. How am I supposed to determine exactly what I want to do for the *rest of my life*?!
So what did the 3 year old want to be when he grew up?
you never said!
My answer was always, I don’t know, come to think of it
I still don’t know!
A better question to ask than “What do you want to be when you grow up?” is “What do you like to do?” This is something almost every child likes to talk about, and in great detail - the younger the child the more detail you are likely to get - and also gives you a way to discuss potential applications of what they like to do as they get older. Just a thought :)
I always said I wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up.
Let’s stop wringing our hands over every detail or comment in our life. Geesh!
When asked the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always responded “Older.” I knew that the older you got, the more options and freedom you had. And besides, “princess” wasn’t working out so well!
Wow. That’s really pushing a small child’s interaction into an adult mindset. I mean goodness, gracious—the child was THREE!
Fortunately children don’t think like the adults in their lives. Asking them what they want to be when they grow up does NOT land in their brains as “wow, this grown-up thinks I’m only worth what I do for money in the future.” Rather, the child is thinking, “Wow, this adult wants to know about me!”
And when my students (K-5) tell me they want to be a mom or a dad when they grow up, I always tell them “Great! We need lots of good moms and dads in the world!”
Too many of my students stop thinking about what they want to be, or even what they can be, at such an early age. Many of them don’t see their future as having real choices.
Perhaps it’s easy to poo poo this fundamental question in the educated middle class, but working here among generational poverty—that question is ESSENTIAL! And we teachers not only ask it constantly, but we teach the parents to ask it as well.
Trust me, if the past is any indication of the future, they’re gonna be moms and dads anyway—many of them in middle and high school (if they get that far). Keeping their future in their minds may actually inspire them. Maybe if we keep asking them, and they keep answering, just maybe we can help them and their families find their way to some real choices.
Gertie
I’m all for abolishing “what do you do?” from the grown-up lexicon. When an adult find themselves unemployed, underemployed or in a dead-end job, or even someone who owns their own business and severely struggling, it’s a very uncomfortable conversation stopper.
.
but for kids? Why that would wipe out the beautiful opportunities for children to respond to “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with, “An octopus!” or “A dinosaur.”
We can’t have that!
Supeman - sure, an adult (with strange taste in fashion, though). Popeye - don’t remember well enough to say. Bugs Bunny - ummmm - well he certainly didn’t behave like an adult - more like an obnoxious adolescent, at best, I’d say.
I like the Dave Barry quip (I know, he is not the most pure of comics, but his old stuff was sometimes funny)When asked what he did, he said he slept since we sleep about 1/3 of our lives. (Ok, except parents who have many babies, or collicky ones, but you get my point).
I liked your post Gertie. You are correct in that it depends on what life situation you find yourself. Look at Detroit with 53% unemployment. Asking: What do you want to be when you grow up and not getting gang member or out of wedlock mom is a plus!
Another thing is that it implies that you will only do ONE thing when you grow up. We think of adults as static creatures when we’re kids—as if the moment you turn 18, you instantly become your “grownup self.” I remember what a revelation it was to learn I didn’t have to just pick one future career. I decided I was going to first be a businesswoman, and then a research scientist, and then I would write the Great American Novel, and then (maybe) get married and have kids. Then I would write more books based on all my exciting life experiences.
.
That isn’t exactly what I did. I was a teacher, and then a SAHM, and I dream of one day owning a farm. Meanwhile, even though I “stay home” for a living, I have tons of things that I am and do. I prefer not to ask people their job as a conversation starter because I personally think there is a heck of a lot more that’s interesting about a person than their occupation. I’d really rather know what their passion is, rather than here about the boring thing they do to pay the bills.
Can’t one’s job be a vocation too? Not just married or religious life. I’m a law student and in the process of discerning my vocation to become an NGO lawyer.
I asked a kindergartener one time, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” And he declared with a big mischievous smile: “A crocodile!”
Oh, Elsie. I have a strong hunch this is why so many students turn to drinking.
I am with Gertie, I think we’re projecting here. A 3 year old, even a 6 or 10 year old, they aren’t existentialists. They don’t ask, “What is me?” They don’t get wrapped up in “what defines me?” Or “What’s my vocation, oh, I just had a movement of the spirit, I guess it’s to be a priest. But, I really like this person. Maybe marriage?” I also bet if you asked a kid, ‘what’s your passion?’ They’d probably look at you funny. Asking them what they want to be when they grow up is just that, asking them what their passion is. You know, I have a 6 year old nephew who, when asked what he wants to be when he grows up, says “Lightning McQueen.” Kids are kids are kids. They aren’t little adults.
Even in retirement, I still dream of being a cowboy when I grow up.
Joseph, I agree with you. But not all kids are like that, just the younger ones. Their underanxious veiw or the world is shocking, saintly even! Their answers of “Superman!” and “an astronaught!” reminds me of saints ive read about who liked to be silly. Let me tell you, they aren’t stupid. Most kids over the age of 6 realize they won’t morph into a butterfly or gain the ability to breath under water when they turn 18. They say those things because they are dreamers! You asked them what they wanted and they, in all honesty, told you. But it causes a lot of anxiety and embarrasment when you ask that of teenagers who just don’t know yet. I know because I currently am one.
We’ve always made religious life seem like a viable option for our kids (we live next to religious sisters, and several times a year host various priest friends from around the country). We also stress that they shouldn’t worry about picking something now - they should wait until there college-age, and try to hear what God is asking of them, and see how God has made them and their lives progress.
With all that, a few years ago we had a bishop and priest here for dinner. After a really enjoyable night we asked the bishop for his blessing before his departure. After he gave it to our gathered family, he turned to our two boys and asked, “So, do you think either of you might be called to be a priest?”
Without hesitation, they both shouted a very firm, “NO!”
Lot’s of confusion about VOCATION here. Everyone’s VOCATION is the same. To know, love and serve God. To be truly “happy” is to understand, seek and live this (be holy, and serve God and others). VOCATION finds it’s foundation and fulfillment in Christian Initiation (Baptism, Confirmation, Eucharist). The QUESTION we should be asking all people at ANY age is: “What does God want you to do with your life?” and another is “What are your gifts and talents and charisms and how will you use these to glorify God”? Some are then called beyond Christian Initiation to consecrated life, marriage or holy orders (diaconate, priesthood, maybe a bishop, if the Church discerns these types of call). One’s OCCUPATION, ideally, would be discerned by foremost including GOD’s WILL, VOCATION, and one’s GIFTS, TALENTS and CHARISMS. God created us and God is our destiny. HE must be involved in the decision making process of our lives at all stages in all considerations for us to be “happy” in life and in God (to know the true meaning of our existence and purpose in life).
When I was very little I thought what I wanted to be when I grew up was an old lady. They always looked so kind and peaceful. I thought it was their job to be an old woman. I wanted silver hair too. Blonde was like gold, and grey to me was like silver. I’m now half way to old lady and to silver. I hope I become more kind and peaceful with time.
They are children there is not much they know what they want to be or even what that question means. I’m sure you didn’t damage the kid for life. I like the question. Try asking the same question to children in the inner city. It helps to learn where there mind is at and help them see a different life.
The real question is what does God want from you.
I personally hated this question growing up because I had no real idea what I wanted to do. I was a talented artist of sorts and frequently heard that I shouldn’t “waste my talent” and that I should do something in the art field. I just wanted to grow-up a bit first and see what was out there. But unfortunately I caved to the pressure to conform to others impression as to what I should do and enrolled at an art school. I didn’t enjoy it, wasn’t so good at it, and it wasn’t until much later that began to realize that there were other paths that would have been better suited to me. I wasn’t Catholic at the time, so the notion of vocation wasn’t an issue. To this day I still hate that question and the pressure it puts on our young people to define themselves by a major, job, a career. I even ask family members to try to refrain from projecting to our children what they think they will or should be as an adult. I tell them that I want our children to feel free to consider religious life, married life, single-hood, as well as whatever career options they may entertain. I wince when I hear such things as “Your son is so good at “x” so he should do “y” when he grows up.” No, he shouldn’t… he may consider it, but there is no should. Let them dream.
It is annoying how our society defines people by what they do instead of who they are as a person. How did it come to people assuming that just because you have such and such a job that you are better than so and so who does a different job? Or because you make more money than so and so you’re a better person? I guess those values clarification classes are paying off because they’ve stripped us of our humanity and reduced us to facts and figures. I’ve met people from all walks of life and all levels of society of all races and I fortunately learned very early on that people can be good or bad, polite or rude, cultured or uncultured no matter their state in life. It all comes down to the individual. Just because a person is a doctor that doesn’t make them any better than the garbage collector. Trust me, I’ve met some garbage collectors with more manners and better principles than a lot of doctors I’ve met.
I always answered with “I want to be a nun!” If asked more, I elaborated with the particular contemplative/cloistered order that I was drawn too.
It turned out that it wasn’t God’s will, but little me was probably a little bit of an evangelizer with that answer!
We talk with our kids about “what do you want to *do* when you get big?” I think by making the small change from “be” to “do” speaks volumes about your perspective: what one “does” is not the same as what one “is” and therefore does not make one’s occupation so closely tied to one’s self-worth. Right now, our (almost-6-year-old) daughter wants to: build airplanes, play the violin, teach, see the “whole world,” and maybe be a mom or be a nun, but she doesn’t know yet because she’s not old enough to have figured that out (her words). We reinforce that we’ll support whatever vocation God is calling her to, and that she can probably “do” all of those things while living out her vocation. ;-)
I think it is important to get kids used to asking for God’s will—not just whether to religious or lay life—but to what type of lay life if they are called to that. Married or single ? What job or profession ? A few years ago I suggested to my Sunday First Communion class that when thinking what they wanted to be when they grew up they could ask what God wanted. I got silence and some blank looks. I don’t know if demographics makes a difference as to how children think about their future but this was a class full of hispanic students and Yes they understood me—they spoke English.
Having traveled a little, finding what to say to people is hard, especially in the beginning of any conversation! People do love to talk about themselves esp, if they are at ease ! Well, we found the best ? is to ask them where they come from, esp. if they are a little older than 5. then to ask them what they like to do, and then , what do you do for fun! I found that the answer to that ? , many times , brings out the dreams of many people, esp. if they are starting to trust you. There are always those who are not going to get on your wavelength, so , just give them some silent Love from God !
Author Robert Fulghum used to answer the “What do you do?” question with the one word answer “breathe”. He figured that that was what he did the most of.
I actually see the career question as a part of the vocation question. Nuns can be teachers, nurses etc just as mothers can be also do many kinds of work besides the tasks normally associated with mothering. JPII called women to be present in my career fields because our charisms and gifts are so needed everywhere.
Also, the need to earn money to provide for one’s self and one’s family is an important part of life. This is a very practical thing that kids need to start learning about at a young age. Just think, Jesus probably started learning His trade as soon as he was able to walk into Joseph’s workshop. What’s good enough for Him…...
Personally, I like the question “Who do you want to be?”,not “What do you want to be?” I think it is more important who they grow up to be as a person than what they end up doing. Character is more important than career.
If I may offer my humble 0.02—and I must confess to not having read all of the comments, so I apologize if this has been addressed already—I think a major part of the background of this problem is the compartmentalization of our society. We have work, we have our home lives, we have church on Sundays, and maybe a couple of hobbies or social groups here and there…and seldom do we see these things as part of an interconnected whole, which is itself ordered toward something higher than what this world has to offer (namely, eternal friendship with God). Nowadays, the career is given pride of place in our culture. Look at the amount of time and energy that is being demanded of people by their jobs today. So fierce are the demands of most places that people barely have time for their families, for leisure, for meaningful engagement, and perhaps even for the silence and stillness conducive to prayer. I think we need to somehow work towards fostering a larger cultural awareness of this problem, as well as a way to put the career in the proper perspective.
This is my opinion. I would love to hear other people’s thoughts on the issue, so please feel free to respond!
God Bless.
We will have more wonderful children, when we , as parents/ teachers and care givers,become more loving to our children, AND TEACH THEM CIVILITY ! We teach them as much as we can about respecting themselves and each other!
Maybe CIVILITY needs to be taught as a subject in all schools !
We will have more wonderful children, when we , as parents/ teachers and care givers,become more loving to our children, AND TEACH THEM CIVILITY ! We teach them as much as we can about respecting themselves and each other!
Maybe CIVILITY needs to be taught as a subject in all schools !
Could start also with referring to our children as “CHILDREN”
You didn’t go as far as you might have, but now you’ve got me wondering if that notion of our identities being tied up with something as impermanent as a paying job might be related to feminism’s total rejection of patriarchy as evil (since women not working for pay thereby appears to be women having no identity or self-worth), and hence why the Catholic Church gets attacked for being “unfair” to women. And yet, being a mother (or father) or even a wife (or a husband) is a far more permanent state of affairs than any paying job where you can get fired. I wonder if our foremothers pitied their husbands’ unstable, Peter Pan-like existences. Also, for years I knew that Communism treated women more like “equals” in the workforce, but now I wonder if that wasn’t less to do with equality and more to do with strategy, of getting as many people into the workforce as possible, hence giving people LESS dignity instead of more. Something to think about, anyway.
Something that’s never mentioned when that dumb question is asked is, “What’s wrong with being a 3 year-old? Why isn’t being a kid enough for the kid right now? Asking what a child wants to be when he/she grows up is belittling what he/she is NOW—a CHILD! It’s negating the importance of childhood and implying that a person’s value is only realized in adulthood—and having an adult job!
I never ask a child what he wants to be when he grows up. I ask what he/she likes to do NOW—does she like puppies? Does he like baseball? What’s their favorite food? How does she help her mommy around the house?
Please stop asking children “What do you want to be when you grow up?”!!!
After all the replies , gr8 ! However when are our children getting the respect they deserve when many people refer to “Our children ” as ‘kids’ ! ??
Well, wondering if anyone comes back to this .....“what do you want to be….??? A saint, all for the glory of God! Let’s teach our children and grandchildren THAT reply and then leave the “how it’ll happen” up to God!
PAX
I was brought up seeing reality for what it was. When ased what I wanted to be, I wrote down “alive and happy” and was called stupid by the other kids for not having an actual dream. About nine years later, when I graduated high school, second in the grade, I turned back at a boy who had made fun of me that day and said to him “look who’s gonna get the better job”. It was the best graduation ever.
Is it Pride that comes…..or is it arrogance that steps in and causes the fall? One needs (probably)pride to a certain degree~!?! Supposing that children use external yardsticks to prove themselves, ,“I graduated High School! Heh HehHehHeh HEEEEh.” So, putting down somebody , using your grades, makes you “FEEL” better, and then does one become Bitter?
“What we owe our young is confidence: a word rooted in ‘fides’:faith, a faith not only anchored in God, but in one’s self”(W.J.O’Malley, S.J.) “The less you know, the more certain you can be”
I don’t really agree with this. I think it is important for kids to dream big about their futures and frankly this question prompts that.. Most often. I grew up just fine being asked this question my whole life.. And I think it’s a great thing that I was aware of what I loves at such a young age. It is not the youngest kids in school we need to worry about. In today’s school systems, creativity isn’t allowed to flourish… So dreams to become an astronaut and discover a new planet.. Or save animals all over the world.. Or be the best ballerina in the world.. Get squashed before they’re realized. I think it is important to listen to the toddlers in us.
I lost my way in highschool. Since I was two years old, my answer to this very question was some variation of “I want to save animals” or “I want to be an artist”. By the time I reached highschool I lost sight of this. By the time I reached college, I was on a fast track to becomin an accountant… Probably the last profession I should have ever pursued as an innately creative thinker. NOW, however, I’ve gone back to listening to the two year old me. And I’m going back to school for animals and photography.
I wonder had I not ever vocalized this, if I would have the people in my life to remind me of who I am… And most importantly who I want to be in my life.
Bottom line.. This question is so very necessary when asked the right way.. With absolutely no limits to what an answer should be. We’ve forgotten how important it is for kids to dream. And to hold onto those dreams. And to be reminded of those dreams.
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give The National Catholic Register permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.