I love this. When something like this happens to me, I always think that I have gotten a little glimpse of how God sees us—all at once. We see all these little pieces of ourselves and of others, and we (rightly) have to judge them at times. But only at times, and always provisionally. Only God can rightly weigh everything about us. I’m sure that I have been equally ridiculous many times (although in different ways), because life is ridiculous. Luckily, God has infinite compassion! When you see even just a glimpse of this in someone else, it is such a blessing.

I like to take my kids to the Teen Mass at our parish for the music, and there is a boy there that often wears a totally inappropriate shirt. At first I was bothered a lot by it, criticizing everyone including the youth minister that allowed this boy to be an usher while wearing such a shirt. A gentle voice asked me in my head, “What were you doing at his age?” GULP! I was driving through McDonald’s and picking up a bulletin at the end of mass when I was a teen. Now I like seeing him every week.

I don’t see inappropriate T-shirts in my current parish (not to say that there are no attire problems at all), but I remember one time at a Mass in Philadelphia that there was a boy in a pew in front of me with an objectionable image on the back, meaning it was right in front of me all through Mass.

My approach was a two-step one. On the way out of Mass, I complimented him on the shirt: “Hey, that is a cool shirt! Where did you get it?” Hey, it wasn’t a lie. Coolness is a sufficiently broad concept to cover the sense I meant.

He grinned broadly and mentioned some place down the shore. Then I let the other shoe fall: “Hey, it’s a cool shirt, but maybe not the best thing for Mass. You know, with the thing on the back.” His face fell and he nodded sheepishly. I have no idea how he ultimately took it, but it was the best I could do.

Thank you for this post.  Years ago I would attend daily mass with my three small children in extremely low cut shirts.  I was totally clueless and cringe when I think off the priests that had to everyday avoid my cleavage with their eyes while they gave me communion.  However, if I firmly believe that attending mass each day looking ridiculous and receiving Our Lord I was able in time to recognize my diginity and how my dress was not reflecting my dignity as a woman.  I began to slowly change my dress and become more aware of what I was wearing and its effect on others and what I was communicating to the world about me.  I actually now wear a chapel veil and try to always wear a skirt to mass or adoration.  This, however, is for me a personal act of piety. That being said I do not allow my children to dress inappropriately for mass and do not allow my girls to wear fashions that distract others or look immodest and cheap.  I don’t believe that there should be a hard and fast rule, no pants, no sneakers, etc. but I think it is high time for parents to step up and exercise some discretion.  Obviously we must first lead by example.  Specifically, we women need to reflect upon what we are saying about ourselves and our daughters when we wear what we wear.  Let’s wear outfits that are flattering and attractive, but lets be honest with ourselves and make sure that we are not dressing in order to be desired by the opposite sex.  I don’t think we realize how infected even the most faithful woman is by the world’s message that your value as a woman is totally contingent upon your ability to sexually attract a man.  Letting your daughter know that that shirt is too low or that the outfit doesn’t cover enough skin is letting her know that she is not a prostitute and does not need to attract a man to be valued.  It lets her know that she has value and a dignity and needs to find it within her person and not worry about being noticed.  She can dress trendy and attractive and not look cheap and she should never desire to look cheap because she is a treasure.Every female is a princess and a daughter of the God most high!!! Finally, modest dress does not have to be floral jumpers or lacy dresses that are mid-calf.  Each frame and figure allows for different styles.  The most important thing to remember is to ask oneself what am I trying to communicate about myself with this outfit.

Nice post!  Jennifer, something you may have thought of is that in the mind of this woman, she may have been dressed “reverently.”  I agree completely with dressing appropriately for Mass - I’m probably even slightly more conservative in this sense than many other people.  Yet I came to Catholicism in a different country where, when Mass is held, the whole community flocks the the church, so that people are left standing outside to hear the mass over speakers.  At my home parish in that country, some people come in suits and very formal (and modest) dresses, others come in casual pants or jeans and golf shirts, others come in their beach clothes, and some are bums who come in directly from the street in the rags they always wear - in this sense a slightly extended version of the “usual spectrum.”

But there is another group of people that falls outside this spectrum in a way.  Like the very formal people, they spend a good deal of time getting ready for Mass - perhaps even more so.  They put on their “best” clothes, the women put on make up with care and the children get their “nicest” shirts.  The difference is that these people have a very, very different concept of what constitutes “dressing up.”  For the guy, gelling his hair to stand up in a spike in the middle is showing his best effort to look good for mass. His black t-shirt may have a flashy motorcycle or truck on it. For the woman, wearing her nicest clothes means putting on a sexy dress, often revealing.  Their make up is bright and (by our standards) gaudy.  Jewelry is excessive and far from our anglo tastes in modesty.  The child’s best shirt may be that brand-new t-shirt they got with a silly cartoon and English profanity on it. (They speak a different language in this country, and are usually unaware that what the shirt says is profanity.)

I suspect that this is how they dress to go to family parties and to go out to town on the weekend - two very important social events in that culture.  Mass is very important, so they dress in clothes that to them show that they are doing something important in their life.

So, these people are not like the people who put on whatever old jeans and t-shirt they find on the floor Sunday morning; these people are putting on their Sunday bests.  While their definition of “Sunday bests” is very different from ours, the effort they put into “looking good” is, for them, reverence.

I have no idea what the cultural context was of this woman, but your description of her reminded me of this sub-culture.  Your description made me suspect that perhaps in her mind these were her “nicest” clothes and that she was being reverent by putting them on, and that they were indeed complementary to her veil rather than contrasting to it.

While the result is often questionable, we need to be very sensitive to intentions when addressing this kind of problem.  Your post is excellent and shows a good deal of sensitivity to inward focus and intentions!

“Your patient, thanks to Our Father Below, is a fool. Provided that any of those neighbours sing out of tune, or have boots that squeak, or double chins, or odd clothes, your patient will quite easily believe that their religion must therefore be somehow ridiculous.”

Kind of close to the topic, Lewis in “Screwtape Letters”.

This is such a great post Jennifer!  I’ve noticed, gradually, since I started covering my head for Mass that I pay more attention to covering up appropriately elsewhere to.  It wasn’t overnight, and it’ an ongoing process, but it’s definitely something that’s helped me since I finally listened to the tugging I felt when I converted!

Kristen, I totally agree with your comments.  Jennifer, I’m like you in that I am drawn to a head covering but I can’t just get myself to do it.  Only a couple of women at my parish cover their heads and they don’t go to the Mass I normally go to. I’m chicken and don’t want to draw attention.  In winter, I do wear a beret. It’s more expected to cover your heading with a north wind blowing.  I have started wearing skirts to Mass on Sunday.  Since I’ve come back to the sacraments, I am modest in my dressing. Even if I like certain styles, if it’s not modest, I won’t buy it. I don’t like it when I think critical thoughts of other women when I see their cleavage, etc.  The Holy Spirit reminds me that I was once like them but I changed.  So I just say a silent prayer for them.

Ms. Fulwiler, you are OBSESSED with how other women dress.  It seems everytime I read one of your articles, you have something to say about a woman who you saw wearing an orange dress, or a shirt that was low, or pants that were too tight which got your husband excited. I’ve lost a lot of respect for you. I think you need to move on, and although I don’t know what you have done in your past, I usually find that it is the women who bark at other women for not dressing appropriately for church, well, they are the ones that tend to have pasts to be ashamed of, not other way around.  The lady in the orange dress was probably a maiden when she got married (if you can’t say the same, then you really have no right to say anything about her). This is the kind of fuel that gives protestants a reason to be skeptical of the faith of Catholics - some, like you, just care way too much about image and appearances and not enough about real true faith and holiness, and it’s this misplaced energy that masks scandal, scandal which makes people leave the church.  Don’t be part of that.

I think KC must have read a different article than I did; at least, I didn’t see anything in Jennifer’s article that warranted KC’s strong remarks. Suitable attire in Church is a suitable discussion topic for Catholics; it comes from being composite physical and spiritual creatures. We can be spiritual all day, but if in our physical deportment we don’t correspond with the spiritual, then the spiritual suffers as well. A woman kneeling a little bit longer in prayer and wearing a chapel veil are excellent examples; I’ll say an extra Ave for the mother you described Jennifer.

Great post! I’ve long felt an urge to prostrate myself in front of the Blessed Sacrament but haven’t done it, even in an empty church. (I’m not really feeling pulled to do it in the middle of Mass or anything . . . which would just trip people.) At 36 weeks pregnant, it’s not going to happen anytime soon, but one of these days I hope to just do it!

@KC Huh? Are we reading the same blog?

Jennifer,you’ve done it again! Another achingly transparent piece that pricks our hearts and makes us think.  I love your writing!

As a convert myself, I’ve felt drawn to cover my head, but worry that someone might think I am being pretentious. 

KC, your harsh judgement worries me.  You must not understand the tremendous burden on writers to share with absolute honesty, surrendering in obedience to the Holy Spirit at the risk of being vulnerable to attacks from people who have not revealed anything about their true selves.

Since becoming a Catholic, it’s been painful to see so many attacks like this on Catholic writers, particularly women - from those who do not understand the gift God offers us through this type of writing - prompting those who sit on the sidelines to search our own hearts more thoroughly. 

The irony is that in your own harsh judgment, you missed the point that Jennifer was saying she was wrong and modeling for us the redemptive moment the Holy Spirit provides when we are honest with ourselves and listen for the still, small voice. 

There is great value in seeing how this process works.  And Catholic women writers are very good at sharing.  They take enough of a beating in the secular world - why not be supportive?  Why not pray for us?

Jennifer, I appreciate your obedience and your willingness to be authentic.  Your perspective is vital and your obedience fills me with admiration.

It reminds me of something Kafka wrote: “a book should serve as the ax for the frozen sea within us.”

I had that tug about wearing a chapel veil.  My daughters (ages 10 and 12) wanted to wear them.  I was afraid that people would think that I thought I was “holier than Thou” if I wore one, so I resisted.  Then I read a commentary written by a woman who had decided to wear a chapel veil.  She said that it dawned on her that, by assuming others would judge her, she was being pretty uncharitable to her fellow Catholics.  She was right!  So, the next Sunday, my girls and I wore chapel veils.

Flash forward a couple of years.  The liturgist at our parish admitted that the choices we make during Mass make members of the parish uncomfortable because those choice make us appear to be better than everyone else.  WOW.  My original instinct was correct.  I stopped wearing a chapel veil when I go to Mass there…

When I attend a wedding in a suit and someone else wears khakis and no tie, I don’t lose any sleep over his feelings about my wardrobe. I dress my best in honor of the couple whose day I’m in attendance to celebrate. The same goes for attire and comportment at Mass. I can go casual any number of places—I’m wearing jeans at the office for “casual Friday” as I type this message—so I don’t comprehend the desire to change a formal public event like Mass into another casual outing.

Women are to have their heads covered “because of the angels”, St. Paul tells us.
I always try to remember to have my head covered in a church that reserves the Blessed Sacrament.
Women of Islam and probably other religions always have their heads covered; I feel Christian women shoul do likewise. After all, angels are everywhere.

“After all, if we all waited until we were saints to engage in any public display of faith, Christianity would be an invisible religion.”

This is so true, and something that I definitely don’t think enough (or rather, act enough) on.  You’re right.  It’s always out of fear of being seen as “holier than thou” that we hesitate to perform outward acts of piety and faith.  Yet if we do nothing, show nothing, where will our witness be?  If we are called to “use words when necessary” and yet we don’t use actions, we have no witness.

A wonderful post Jen.  My takeaway is not about immodest orange dresses, chapel veils or outward signs of piety.  I am reminded of charity and that the only heart we should judge is our own.

Jennifer, Great post (as usual).

I appreciate your honesty re. women’s attire. It’s a huge issue. Let’s speak about it! I think you are honest and relevant that is why I read you. I would imagine (and hope) that K.C. regrets impuning your motives.

Years before I became Catholic, I began wearing a head covering. It had to do with Paul’s writing to the Corinthians. Then suddenly, after doing it for several years alone in private worship, I realized how healing it was for my soul. You see, I had been sexually abused as a little girl. There was something that made me feel special and protected when I wore a veil. I associated it with the holiness of the ark. The ark is covered because it is so holy. My body finally began to feel holy again.

I get some ugly stares today when I wear a head covering to mass. Some people have told me not to wear it as it looks Muslim (and I changed to a hat and was told I was being too fashionable and prideful). These comments hurt. I need to wear the covering and all I get is criticism from Catholics. That is weird to me. Anyway, just wanted to post this so that if you ever see anyone wearing a veil or headdress, try not to criticize. You can’t ever tell why someone does it.

Pre-Vatican II days all women covered their heads with hats or veiling…it was Church law!  Not just at Mass either…whenever a woman entered a church, even for a visit, they were expected to have their heads covered. I recall even seeing women who were caught “off guard” so to speak enter with Kleenix on top of their heads! Quite a sight!
LOL! Covering the head had nothing to do with angels as I recall. A woman’s hair is her crowning glory according to Scripture…it is an act of humility to therefore cover her hair and not distract others. I don’t recall St Paul sayng anything about angels and head coverings as someone eluded to here..maybe I am just ignorant of this. Personally, while I do not wear a veil. I think I would like being enclosed within by it with my Lord in prayful adoration. But that is not in keeping with Vatican II which says we are not to separate ourselves in individual adoration but as
one in community, gathered together to adore and receive. Maybe the veil would imply otherwise to some.  I would not care what others might think should I appear wearing the veil.  I would be wearing it not to seek their approval..or disapproval. They will think what they will…and should not
be judging others when they are in Church.  As for the lady in the orange
dress..same goes for her…have no idea what prompted her to dress as she did.  Perhaps she had not been to Church in a very long time…and thought we women were still to wear head coverings. I would think it should have occured to her that cleavage is not appropriate but maybe she
had no other dress to wear. Agree with George that charity supercedes all
other reactions! After all…God has seen cleavage before…who is to say at the final judgment we won’t be there in all our glory…with only our birtday suit ..nothing to hide behind! No hat, no veil, not even a fig leaf!

What a beautiful post.

On a separate, related note, I saw a mom at Mass the other day wearing a hat.(she was with her husband and their five young children) Not a super stylish hat, but stylishly smart if you know what I mean. 

It was not as “showy” as a mantilla (if there is such a thing; I grew up with them) but it showed reverence.

Something for me to think about.

Katherine, I know where you’re coming from.  You might want to read Dr. Gerard Nadal’s blog, where he has a post concerning veiling, and with similar observations as yourself:  that which is covered is that which is holy.  It’s both a sign of humility and also an outward sign of how others are to treat you.  I have worn a chapel veil whenever I attend the Latin Mass (because there, it’s sort of expected).  But even at a Novus Ordo Mass, I’ll sometimes wear a head scarf or bandana—to the unsuspecting eye, it looks “boho chic,” heh heh heh.  I will wear either the head scarf or the chapel veil at Adoration, too.  And what I have found is that it allows me to concentrate more fully on the Mass and on the Lord.

While women these days don’t wear chapel veils for the most part, I don’t see why they shouldn’t if they want to.  There is one lady at my husband’s parish who always wears one, no matter what anybody else says.  And she always receives Communion on her knees and on her tongue, too (even though this is a modern-looking church with no communion rails).  There are also a couple of Haitian women at my former parish in downtown Philadelphia who always wear their chapel veils.

So keep rocking that chapel veil if you want to! :)

Until we reach spiritual perfection, most of us males are subject to temptation by the sight of an attractive adult female in a swimsuit, or the street-dress equivalent.  In church, this becomes quite distracting when the slightly clothed female is on the direct line of sight from my pew to the altar.
Jennifer, thank you for addressing these issues.  My wife (more than 50 years) knows how easy it is to get my attention in these matters, and doesn’t need me falling into the temptation of ogling the young woman (complete with a child or two!) in the miniskirt two pews in front of us.
TeaPot562

Thank you Jennifer!!! You have such a beautiful way of presenting things with class! LOVED THIS POST

Have you considered wearing a veil (or hat) on a trial basis during Lent or Advent?  It’s common, even expected, to add a pious or devotional practice to your life at those times, and if anyone is rude enough to criticize, you can just tell them you’re trying it out for the season.

I also have kind of an amusing story about veil wearing.  My 17-year-old daughter started wearing a veil at our parish and you wouldn’t believe how many people asked if she was becoming a nun.  Mostly we found that people were just clueless and not necessarily judgmental.

KC- “This is the kind of fuel that gives protestants a reason to be skeptical of the faith of Catholics -”

LOL. Wow as a protestant/evangelical going through RCIA this fall, I can assure you that protestants don’t tiptoe around the modesty issue. I went to a Pentecostal church for awhile, and if you dressed immodestly, someone would tell you that it’s inappropriate.

Margaret Mary ” Have you considered wearing a veil (or hat) on a trial basis during Lent or Advent?  It’s common, even expected, to add a pious or devotional practice to your life at those times”

I like this. I think I will try it this Lent, thanks

I am under the impression that we should not do or wear things at Mass that draw attention to ourselves.  Would this include kneeling for communion when everyone else is standing in line?  It is very distracting to others because there is not conformity with the congregation.  The veils also draw a great deal of attention to the person and in general there is a holier than thou attitude that goes with them.  There are also specific characteristics I see in women who wear veils.  They include:  homeschooling considered the only option for schooling, not working outside of the home, have a very conservative view of what submission is and have more than 4 kids in 6 yrs.  But that is just with my limited experience.  I definitely can’t speak for everyone.

KC, I’ve been reading Jennifer’s writing for a long time, and I can’t say that I share your impression of her. I’d submit that the uncharitable insinuations about her character and the state of her soul (when it’s clear she included the story at the beginning of this post as an object lesson on how she’d made an assumption about the woman that turned out to be wrong) is a greater scandal than anything in her post. Let’s not turn this into a discussion of the author’s “past” and then try to say that she’s the one giving people a bad impression of Catholics.

I am under the impression that we should not do or wear things at Mass that draw attention to ourselves.  Would this include kneeling for communion when everyone else is standing in line?  It is very distracting to others because there is not conformity with the congregation.

Beth, I highly doubt that everyone who kneels to receive Communion is necessarily trying to be “holier than thou.”  In general, I kneel to receive Communion, or I genuflect.  And I was inspired by two young children who did in fact kneel, and joyously too, to receive.  If they have no qualms in doing so, what’s up with the rest of us?  I think it’s good practice, because it’s a reminder to you that this should be distinguished from normal food.

Also, there is absolutely nothing that forbids or disallows those who wish to kneel and receive Communion on the tongue from doing so (do you, pray, grumble about people who prefer to receive on the tongue, too, given that it’s “not in conformity with the congregation”?).  Furthermore, do we even know Who it is we receive?  In the words of Cardinal Arinze, “if we truly believe that this is our Lord, Jesus Christ, why do we not kneel?  Why do we not crawl?”

They include:  homeschooling considered the only option for schooling, not working outside of the home, have a very conservative view of what submission is and have more than 4 kids in 6 yrs.

Though I am not one of these women, I will say this:  what of it?  What’s it to you, or any one of us, that they homeschool, don’t work outside the home, or are more conservative?  In a culture where we lionize “choice” ad nauseum, how are these women’s choices any of your or our business?  Wearing a chapel veil to Mass and kneeling to receive Communion isn’t going to turn you into one of them, if they get your back up so much.

I wear chapel veil at Mass (really a black bandana, because I’m trying to be as unobtrusive as possible). I’m the only one in my parish who does, and I’m not even Catholic yet. Plus I’m hugely overweight, so the juxtaposition of my outer practice with my inner practice is downright embarrassing. By that I mean it’s glaringly obvious that one of the 7 deadly sins is running wild and free in my heart :(  So yeah, I’m sure I leave myself open to a lot of judgement. But really, all I’m trying to do is offer a prayer to God with this weird outward sign: “Jesus, I believe you are here, body, blood, soul, and divinity. Your divinity was concealed on the cross, and now your humanity is concealed too. But I know you’re here. Jesus have mercy on me, a sinner.”

“the doctrine of the Real Presence”
Hilarious.
“I’m not holy enough yet.”
Hilarious.
“and one day just decided to do it”
Maybe she was properly indoctrinated when she was too young to think for herself and she could never break out of her indoctrination.
“holier-than-thou”
What, no mention that you once were some kind of atheist?
“you don’t have to wait until everything in your life is perfect”
That would likely be a very long wait.  :-)
“Only God can rightly weigh everything about us.”
No wonder there is Catholic guilt.
“Only a couple of women at my parish cover their heads”
So you would be holier-than-thou at your particular social club?
“And she always receives Communion on her knees and on her tongue”
Brought up as an Episcopalian?
“Another achingly transparent piece”
of silly nonsense.  Running out of ideas?

Oh wsquared I love these women.  The trouble I have is that their beliefs are such that they think this is the only way to holiness.  That you are holy because of the number of children you have and the more you have in x number of years the holier you are, where you work or don’t work or how submissive you are to your husband.  I personally don’t think holiness is measured like that.  Again this is only the experience I have based on conversations and group involvement with these women.  They have come across to me as women who narrowly define not just for themselves but for every women what it is they should be doing.  I love homeschooling and babies etc so I have nothing negative to say about their choices and I fit right in their with some of the choices myself.  I just don’t believe I am holier than a woman who chooses differently.

My pastor who is faithful to the Magisterium was the one who at one time asked people not to kneel at communion based on what I said above.  Maybe the same goes for people who open their hands during the Our Father or raise their hands in worship.  People can do what they want but it does draw attention to themselves.  For the record, I’m not grumbling about them and they don’t get my back up!!  I am sharing my observations.

Because of my experience I have pre-conceived ideas about those who wear chapel veils.  But I remind myself to be open to them and hope they are open to me as well.

Thanks for this, Jennifer!

I think of how I DISLIKED Mary Magdelene when I first *met* her. If she’d been at church I would have ignored her…I adore her now; as God moved my heart to know much more than my pea brain was willing to see/understand. There is an amazing picture of her (Renaissance painting) at the Chicago Art Institute that I bawl upon seeing now-a-days.

I am SO saddened that K. Asjes would stop wearing a veil (and her daughters) because someone told her it makes some uncomfortable!  WHY don’t these people stop and think WHY they feel uncomfortable?  When *feelings* take over in church wrt other people ~ my older *wiser* sister has encouraged me to learn to just close my eyes and pray. 

Now, I don’t feel we should come half dressed to church and will move my sons out of a pew where before us sits a female is dressed in rear skimming shorts—but just as someone wearing a veil…I KNOW they are in relationship with Christ and must trust HIM with how/what they are doing in mass wrt dress, actions (kneeling - prostrating.)

One of the only reasons I thought of becoming Orthodox was because every woman prostrates, wears headcovering, and their dress is modest. - and I AMEN the above quote: Cardinal Arinze, “if we truly believe that this is our Lord, Jesus Christ, why do we not kneel?  Why do we not crawl?”

God bless!!

Beth, I understand where you’re coming from (indeed:  would anybody like to tell the current Pope that he comes from a smaller family because his mom and dad were contracepting?)  Indeed, the Church loves us all—religious life or not, singe or married, big family or small, adopted children or biological children.  So everybody’s path to holiness is different.  But do remind yourself to be open to these women.  I see college students in chapel veils, for one thing.  I’m also a graduate student, have prayerfully discerned that I can’t have a large family, know enough about the fruits of the education system when the kids get to my end of things to know that something is seriously amiss, and I often wear a chapel veil or some sort of head covering.

You might just tell one of these women whom you see, “I love your veil!” or “I think your veil is beautiful!” :)

Mike, your… cant really is funny.  To use your own exclamation, “Hilarious!”  Besides, it’s not like we haven’t heard or read any of these before, many, many times.  Running out of ideas?  But at least it’s useful for entertainment and amusement—much like junk food and bad TV:  oh so bad, but oh so good!  God bless you! :D

Can I, as a person who neither kneels at Communion nor wears a veil just tell you what I think when o see it?
“Oh, how lovely.”
I don’t kneel because I’m either pregnant or holding a child, but when I see it I love the expression of humility and the cOncern for Our Lord. Seriously, I dOnt feel like those people care a whit about what I’m doing because they are focused on Christ. Awesome!
I don’t wear a veil because it’s not on my heart to do so and would distract me from the mass. But when I see it I think those women must have a special love of God’s house to be so considerate. I love they do it and I doubt they bother with assessing my lack of covering, they’re busy praying!

But when a see a young lady whose dress is very short I do feel sad for the men behind her. I don’t think those women think they are less than perfectly appropriate for mass. I don’t think they are harlots. Bout it’s hard to ignore the young men who either stare or are so frozen they are afraid to move.

Culture, even Catholic culture, or maybe even especially Catholic culture, has become so fragmented in the last generation or two.  Things that used to bind us socially or communitively aren’t the case anymore and we’re all left to pick up fragments and try to seek out for ourselves what it means to live a certain way.  (To be Catholic, or holy, or whatever.)  There is a certain tragedy in losing external things that set Catholics apart from others and at the same time united them with eachother, like all Fridays being meatless, Mass pieces in ancient languages, communion rails and head coverings.  (Disclaimer: I don’t wear a veil or kneel for communion, but I do appreciate the sacredness they represent.)  But I think things like our new Mass translations and a return to more Sacred Music in our liturgies will help to recover some of that sense of loss we may consciously or unconsciously feel.  Thankfully our Church has strong and deep roots that it and the faithful are able to weather the storms and droughts of experience to flourish once again!

I have also felt the tug to cover my head when attending Holy Mass. Wearing a veil isn’t really “me”, but anyone can pick up a cute and very stylish straw hat at Target or Kohl’s. I did so a few weeks ago, and have been wearing them to Sunday Mass ever since.

There was in the back of my mind a concern that by wearing a hat others in the congregation would think I was being “holier-than-thou”, or otherwise a weird-o, but it finally dawned on me to ask myself: whom do I dress to please? God? or human beings?”

And the correct answer is: God. (Ding-ding-ding!) I know what I need to do, and I know what I need to not worry about. Duck. Water. Back. No
worries.

It is saddening when I hear of people getting rude remarks for covering their heads before our Lord. I began covering my head nearly two years ago and I have never gotten anything but positive comments, thanks be. I’m a bit shy and I would be terribly discouraged or very angry (probably a combination) if someone criticized me to my face for that practice.

Besides the other benefits, I think covering your head helps to prepare you as you enter the presence of the Blessed Sacrament.

Maggie, did someone here say they have given people rude comments about wearing a head covering?

I would not give someone a rude comment for wearing a head covering.  Everyone should respond the way God asks them too.  On a similiar note, I would expect no rude comments to my daughter if she chose to be an altar girl.

I am Anglican, and have been wearing a mantilla for several years now after feeling that tug. Someone had commented earlier about cleavage showing, and I was wondering if anyone had a suggestion for a nursing top or dress that didn’t show off my rather large “friends” but at the same time wasn’t too hot for 100+ Texas weather. And no, I’m not the lady in Jen’s post.

“I would expect no rude comments to my daughter if she chose to be an altar girl.”

Negative comments to children and young people who are participating in ways permitted by the authority of the Church, are out of order.

Anytime an adult chooses to make negative comments to a child or young person who is doing nothing *objectively wrong,* that adult’s behavior is in the vicinity of *bullying*.

Direct your negative comments to the adults. Call, write, or visit the pastor, the liturgical director, the chancery, the bishop, the USCCB, and the Vatican. Even if you don’t get the results you want, don’t resort to brutalizing the little ones. This is unworthy of any Christian.

Beth, I am sorry, I was not meaning to direct my comments to you at all. A few people in the combox were talking about how some people were rude to them, I believe, and I was agreeing that that was out of line. I certainly did not intend that you should think that I was referring to you - my apologies.

I was a parish sponsor at my Parish last year, and I remember being floored by the group of people that wanted to join the Church.  There was a Biker sporting a mullet, a couple with tattoos on every part of their body, a girl with piercings in places I didn’t know you could pierce…my first impression was to wonder “Who are these people kidding?!!??!”...but as the year went on it was the girl with the too short skirt and too tight top that wept when she was baptized, the biker who asked me to be his confirmation sponsor and then started a scripture class and the girl who wore the see through top to the Easter Vigil that told us she watched EWTN every day!  I was so humbled.  I realized that this is what is meant by “The Church is not a Showcase for Saints but a shelter for sinners”.  I was no better or worse than they were.  I might have been wearing a flannel shirt and long pants, but I was judging them based on their looks.  They, warts and all, were the ones madly in love with Jesus, and coming week after week all so they could be part of the Family of God.  I learned a great lesson last year.  I now never judge people by how they look or what they are wearing…not even to Mass…because if I did, they just might look into my heart.  Trust me, my heart, filled as it is with sin, is NOT appropriate dress for Church.  It’s easy to throw on a matronly top and cover my head.  Much harder to bring a clean a pure heart to the altar.

As a former Lutheran I had always wanted to have a veil at church. I had seen Catholics wearing beautiful veils in pictures. Now that I left the rotten liberal Lutheran church and became Catholic, one of the first things was to buy a veil from the States.

Very few women wear a veil here. I love to wear it. It is very easy to concentrate when you are under it. It feels good because that is one very little thing I can easily do and which is according to the Bible.

I never thought that anyone would consider me holier than I am for wearing a veil. I am 60, so I have to do the right thing and not wait for younger people to get the courage to do it first.

Probably people will look at the veil the first time you wear it, hardly the next.

I like your thoughts, Jennifer. You hit the nail on the head.

We shouldn’t wait until we’re “holy enough” to partake in any pious devotions. Praying the Rosary in church, kneeling before the Blessed Sacrament, making the sign of the cross when passing by a graveyard or a church, or keeping Sacramentals in our homes, on our lawns and in our cars, etc.

These little acts of reverence aren’t done because we’re so holy, but because Our Lord and His gift to us—our Catholic faith is so holy! And so we do these things because we love our faith and Our Lord!

K. Asjes,
I just wanted to comment on your experience about stopping wearing your veil when the liturgist said that it made some people uncomfortable. Please keep in mind that it was only HIS opinion. Just one person. I don’t think alone should have changed your decision about it.
Coming from someone who does not wear a veil, but who looks fondly upon those who do, you can’t control other people’s feelings, and it’s not worth it to waste energy worrying about it. Most likely there are people in your congregation like me, who, admire those who do it, but don’t at the moment feel called to do it themselves. Just an assurance that not everyone is looking thinking that you think you’re holier than thou. And again, it’s possible there are those, but again you can’t control that. Perhaps they will see in time by your generous, charitable, humble spirit where your true desire to wear a veil comes from. :)

I am disturbed by all of the negative, rude comments the women who choose to wear chapel veils are receiving.
Why is wearing a chapel veil considered “making one stand out?”
Why should we take seriously those self-centered Catholics who ascribe a “holier-than-thou” attitude to the wearer of the veil?  Those Catholics are the ones with the issues - issues with charity, self-centeredness, insecurity, etc…......

“Don’t have to wait until everything in your life is perfect to engage in outward displays of reverence” I agree with you completely!
On the other hand, what would yout think about friar who curses in public? Or about nun who tells dirty jokes?
I know many “devout Catholics” who scandalise everyone around. Talking all the time about rosaries and pilgrimages, how active they are in their parishes ... while being completely lazy in office, scorning all the collegues who are not as holy as they are, calling names ... their favourite is calling childless women arrogant & ambitious & feminist & babykillers. Naturally they have no information why these women have no kids. Imagine how it is when you are uncessfully trying to conceive for the last ten years.
So, I prefer these people don’t talk about their faith.

Hi Jennifer. This was a great post. I have been wearing a chapel veil for along time, and for me, while it IS a sign of reverence, it is also like a veil between me and “ordinary life.” It is a veil between me and glancing around distractedly at Mass. It is a veil between me and whomever might be looking at me. It helps me focus on Jesus, and helps obscure me to others’ eyes. So while it is a mark of reverence, it also does many other things fr me which are, if anything, a sign of my own weakness. It is kind of a “prayer aid.” So you are right, we should not be afraid to use signs of reverence even if we are imperfect, and some of those signs of reverence are needed BECAUSE we are imperfect!

I grew up in an evangelical faith that required all baptized women to wear head coverings.  I know they believed it was out of respect for God’s presence; I also know that they believed it made them better than other religions (esp. the Catholic faith) that they covered their heads.

Now that I’m Catholic I don’t think I could ever wear a head covering again unless it was mandated. Because I see it - from my own perspective -as me thinking I’m better than everyone else when in fact I am far from it. Sometimes it is hard for me to let go of those old hard feelings about the faith of my birth.

Of course if I saw a woman at Mass wearing a veil or hat I would silently applaud her for her choice; because that is what it is, a choice. Should a woman want to cover her head out of respect or to perhaps personally reinforce her own connection to God - really what business is it of anyone else?

I do fret sometimes at the lack of respect (in my mind) of what people wear to Mass. Shorts, tattered hoodies, faded jeans, grubby sneakers, revealing clothing - it just seems so disrespectful. And yet it really is what is in their hearts that matters. This is something I need to pray for God’s grace & love to get beyond.

Thank you Jennifer, this has been a good reminder to me about minding my own spirituality.

As for the atheist troll: don’t feed him.  As Jennifer said on her Conversion Diary recently, sometimes it is OK to just let a person be - wrong.  We don’t have to accept every invitation we receive to an argument.

I am saddened by Beth’s assumptions about women who wear veils to Mass. Wow, talk about judging a book by its cover. You say you are “open” to women who wear veils, but then hold forth with a laundry list of what they are “usually” like or what “you” associate them with or what they “must” believe. I think one of the points of Jennifer’s posts was that we can NOT judge by someone exteriorly. Jennifer noticed this immodestly dressed woman which, for many of us, would give rise to certain assumptions. Those assumptions were dashed by both the veil the woman wore, and her obvious reverence that Jennifer described.

I said this in my own earlier post but I’ll say it again: one reason I wear a veil is to keep ME from being distracted. I also think that however “singular” a veil might appear (and it is not unusual at my parish), it is a better “distraction” at Mass than a man looking at a woman’s pretty face, body, etc. In my parish, women of all sorts wear veils. There are those who might fall under Beth’s stereotype. There are also those who are elderly and have simply continued a habit that began long before Vatican II. There are those who came to our church from churches where the traditional Latin Mass was said and simply continued the habit. There are those like myself who wear a veil for completely personal reasons that have nothing to do with what anyone else is thinking about me, but are more about MY interior prayer life and what aids that. There are those who just feel called to wear a veil for some ineffable reason—like Jennifer F. herself—but for a reason that is personal, not to “send a message.”

Beth, not everyone does something for the purpose of “sending a message” to someone else. Please don’t judge what that person feels or believes, or interpret their reason for wearing a veil, because the real reason might surprise you. And maybe it has nothing to do with you or what you might think about it. Maybe it’s between them and God.

ThirstForTruth,
I was in a ladies’ group and one of the older women regaled us with stories of how it used to be. She had 3 sisters and remembers her mother tearing *one* Kleenex into four pieces so that each girl could have her head covered when they popped in to visit the Blessed Sacrament.

KC, not sure if you came back, but you completely missed the main point of this particular column.

ThirstForTruth,
Duh! I forgot the best part of that story. They would lick the tissue bit so that it would stick to their hair and not fall off.

mk, Love your comments.  I’m better for reading them. Very sincere! (I hope you just aren’t faking them! lol).

I like Gail Finke’s idea that to God we’re probably all a ridiculous mix, like the combination of a skimpy dress and a chapel veil.

I like Sheryl’s comment too—she feels a veil opens herself to others’ judgment, but she’s trying to do it anyway as a prayer to God.

Jen, I LOVE your point about feeling you’re not holy enough for a veil.  I started wearing one because I felt a tug to use that means to show reverence to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.  But I was very self-conscious at first precisely because I thought people would be thinking, “She thinks she’s holier than me.”  I longed to have a veil that was visible to God and invisible to everyone else.  In reality I think most people didn’t care if I veiled.  Now the self-consciousness only flares up when I’m walking into Mass late or doing something else that advertises my lack of holiness.

At my parish,women are encouraged to wear chapel veils.For baptism,first holy communion and confirmation,girls over 5 years old up to 17 years old have to wear a white dress and veil for the particular sacrement they are receiving.