I must have been first in line when God was handing out mothers-in-law. I managed to get one who can make creative children's toys using only a live scorpion and a ziplock bag; who gets so excited about her grandkids' pictures that she flags down people at Wal Mart to demand that they admire them; and who even manages to produce the occasional revolutionary theological insight.
On top of all this, she's always been a great mother-in-law. My husband and I recently celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary, and as I was reflecting on our first couple of years of marriage, it occurred to me that I must have been a kind of annoying daughter-in-law for a while there. Knowing little about the domestic arts, and nothing about children, I had read books to learn about The Right Way to be a wife and a mother, and I understood that adhering to these authors' philosophies with 100% accuracy was the only thing that stood between me and my entire family descending into ruin. I was unwilling to yield to other people's (wrong) ways of doing things, sensitive to criticism, and generally just kind of a pain in the neck.
I would like to think that I'm a little more tolerable now as a daughter-in-law (or, at least that I'm annoying in different ways), and I give a lot of credit to that to having an understanding and supportive mother-in-law. She set the tone for the dynamic between us from day one, and was a source of comfort and strength as I bumbled around trying to figure out what this whole marriage/motherhood thing was all about. I keep telling her that she needs to write a book to share her expertise with the world, but she's too busy wrangling grandkids and killing stinging insects with her bare hands. So it'll have to suffice for me to just list the most important three things she did, especially in those first few years of my marriage to her son, that really helped set a great tone for years to come:
1. She told my husband to make our family his first priority. The mother-son relationship is sacred, and there will never be anyone who replaces a mother in her child's life. However, my mother-in-law always had a clear understanding that when her son got married, he would need to make his new family his top priority on a day-to-day basis. It must have been a little scary for her to so boldly hold to this conviction, especially since my husband is her only child and she's a single mother. But the results have been good for everyone -- having everything going well under our roof means that my husband, children and I all have more bandwidth to offer my mother-in-law assistance whenever she needs help.
2. She never, ever complained about me. It may be rare for a mother-in-law to openly, publicly point out flaws in her husband's wife; but remarks whispered out of earshot, little asides, and passive aggressive comments are not unheard of at all (I know more than a few wives who have been on the receiving end of Thanksgiving dinnertable remarks like, "My, what an...interesting way to make turkey dressing.") My mother-in-law didn't criticize me to my face, to my husband, or to anyone else that I know of. There were no little hints or pointed observations spoken under her breath. If she offered any constructive criticism, it was done gently and with humility (like, "What do I know -- I really have no idea what's best -- but maybe, just maybe, you might feel better if you arranged the baby's schedule so that you got more than two hours of sleep at night.")
I remember one time when she'd come for a visit, and I knew I was being horrible. I was exhausted, utterly overwhelmed by new motherhood, and was snapping at anyone who so much as looked at me the wrong way. One afternoon I came inside from a walk to hear her talking on the phone with a friend, and she said, "Jennifer is just the most wonderful daughter-in-law. I don't know how I got so lucky!" Hearing her say that was more effective at inspiring me to change my behavior than if she'd spent a thousand hours telling me what I was doing wrong. I was so touched by this image she had of me, and so profoundly humbled by her generosity, that I wanted more than anything to be that wonderful daughter-in-law that she seemed to think she had.
3. She makes plans through me. This may seem like a small thing, but over our nine years of marriage I have found this to be huge. Whether my mother-in-law would like to do a holiday dinner at her house or just needs my husband to swing by and help her fix her water heater, she schedules it through me, not him. This makes sense for a lot of reasons. Since I'm the keeper of our family calendar, it's most efficient for her (or anyone else) to talk to me directly about events that would impact the whole crew. Also, men are notorious for not understanding the impact that plans can have on their families. Plenty of spousal spats have begun with a husband saying something like, "I told my parents they could stay with us for three weeks next month. That's not a problem, right?" or, "I told my mom we'd come visit her on Saturday. I saw that thing on the calendar about you decorating the house for Fall that weekend, but I figured it wouldn't be a big deal to skip that."
. . .
I'm thankful to have learned so much from my husband's mom. Not only did it get our marriage and our family relationships off to a good start, but I hope that one day I'll be a great mother-in-law as well. What are a few things that your mother-in-law does right?
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My mother in law was a wonderful woman. I’m very sorry my children won’t grow up knowing her. My husband - the youngest of ten - introduced me to her three weeks after he and I met and I was very blessed to know her. She didn’t sweat the small stuff and her life revolved around her faith and her family. She also scheduled everything through the wives, who are all the family schedulers among her children. I never gave that thought before but it is absolutely a loving thing to do.
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I was watching that Married to Jonas show and the Jonas mother was complaining that her daughter used paper napkins at a family dinner! That’s the kind of thing my mother in law never would have done, even if she herself had felt cloth napkins were nicer. She’d have found nice things to say about the dinner and kept her criticisms to herself. I sometimes pray to ask her intercession because I’m certain she’s in heaven. She’s one of the best, most kind people I’ve ever known. They say that men marry their mothers. I actually don’t think my husband did - I think he married his oldest sister - but I can only aspire to be as good a person as either his mom (or his oldest sister).
I was blessed to meet my mother-in-law just a couple months after we started dating and, though she died a year after we were married, have been profoundly impacted by her. She was a quiet, humble woman with an unshakable faith. She led a simple life and was generous with what she had. She never said an unkind word about anyone. If my husband had ever come to her with a problem, she would always encourage him by saying, “I’m sure you’ll do what you think is best.” My family of origin has a talking style akin to a runaway train (we generally talk *over* people), but my MIL taught me a better way without ever seeming to get frustrated with me. Even though her five older children had been married close to 20 years and more, she was gracious and engaged while we were planning our wedding. One of my greatest sadnesses is that my children will never know her, though I make great strides to teach them about her as their ages allow. I pray that I will be able to be a good MIL when the time comes and will look to her example.
What a great article!
My MIL treats me like her own daughter and has done so from the very beginning. While we are VERY different in a lot of ways, as my husband is a convert- his mother is a very liberal Jew—our family sure is an intersting dynamic! But, she is able to find a lot of common ground with me. When she visits, my MIL always makes special time to treat me to something special- like a little shopping trip, lunch out, or manicure together. It means a lot to me and makes me feel like her own daughter. :)
My mother-in-law is a wonderful woman. I don’t recall in the 24 years I’ve been married to her son that she ever said anything negative about me. I’ve heard that she tells her sisters that she appreciates me as a daughter-in-law, which is a wonderful thing for her to say. Whenever I sought her advice during the infant/child years, she would answer in a similar way as Jennifer’s m-i-l; well, this is what worked for me, but it might not work for you. In return, I am happy to do what I can for her! After all, she raised and formed my husband and did a pretty good job with him. I love him and his mom.
Wow! My mother-in-law is the complete opposite of yours. She criticizes me to my husband, criticizes my husband to me, and says bad things about the kids to both of us. She is generous with her time and money, but I’d trade it all in for someone who genuinely loves us.
My mother-in-law was already deceased at the time I married, God rest her soul.I think I would have really enjoyed knowing her, just judging from reading some of her letters that my husband had saved.I never saw an unkind word or criticism in her correspondence.I hope my sons/daughters in law may say the same about me.
My mother-in-law just died last Christmas, but she never, in our 26 years of marriage, criticized me. We never lived in the same state, and she never asked my son to move back and live close to her even when her husband died in our early years of marriage. She never tried to guilt trip us into making our vacation a visit to her. When we did visit, and spent time in the cabin she and her husband had built, she let me be the boss. She never told me how to parent our kids. She always had warmth in her voice over the phone. The most important thing she did was to raise a loving, generous son. And teach him how to make her famous chocolate fudge! She really understood what the Bible means about a man leaving his mother and father and clinging to his wife.
My Mom always raved over her Mother-in-law and enjoyed her visits so much more than when her own Mother would come. Her own Mother was demanding and wanted to be waited on hand and foot. Her Mother-in-law would offer to cook, do mending, watch the boys so she could get something done or do something for herself. Babcia was a blessing and the type of Mom my Mom always wanted.
My mother-in-law (wife’s mom) lives with me, and is an absolute nightmare. We re-arranged our entire life, bought a far more expensive and larger house and had her move in with us, provide for most of her daily needs and have received nothing but disrespect, bad attitudes, constant criticism, circumvention of our parenting style at every turn and all in all an ungrateful attitude. I’ve pretty much given up.
This said, I try to be the better person and when I cannot, I leave the room. Why things have to be this way is between her and God. I’ve tried everything including prayer and nothing changes the fact that some people choose to be miserable. All I can do is attempt to be the better person.
For those with great motherinlaws, be thankful. For those who do not, distance makes a great substitute. For those like me, realize that God sometimes puts a thorn in your side to make you a better person. Frankly, I don’t think it’s working.
If you were first in line, I must have been second (or I cut in front of you). I am blessed with a wonderful MIL. She’s a woman of deep faith and even though she’s Evangelical and I’m Catholic, I can talk to her about faith in a way that I’d never even dream about with my own mom. She’s also got a great sense of humor and she’s genuinely fun to hang out with. I can’t imagine her criticizing me or saying anything unkind. I know she and her MIL had a rocky start, which led her to take a very hands-off approach when my husband and I got married. This led to a little friction at first due to a misunderstanding, but we ironed that out. Unfortunately, she lives far away, but I’ve been known to visit without my husband, just to see her (and my sister-in-law). I also have a lot of admiration for her because she deals with her many health issues with grace and faith.
Jennifer, you are one VERY talented writer! I so enjoy your humor, and your insight; THANK you!!
What a wonderful mother in law! I’m unmarried, but this made me think about my grandmothers and how they interact with my parents. Sadly, my father’s mom never learned to let go of her sons and let them focus on their families. I lost aunts over it (one of whom I still love dearly), but my mother has hung in there and always tried to reach out to her mother in law. I think Grandma is finally mellowing a little in her old age, but she still sees her sons as HER boys, and no one else’s. My other grandmother, while not a saint, welcomed my father into the family and always included him among anything to do with her children. Made for much more fun at family gatherings!
My husband and I were on the verge of divorce recently (we’ve decided to stick it out), and despite that, my mother-in-law reassured me that I would always be her daughter.
I hope that someday I’ll be a good mother-in-law. I only have one child, a son, and I know that my relationship with his future wife will make a huge difference in what kind of relationship I have with him when he’s an adult (as well as the grandchildren).
What a wonderful example of what a MIL should be! You are very blessed.
My mother-in-law is very naturally encouraging and her frequent praise for the way I wife-and-mother in my family is humbling. There have been too many times when I’ve provided plenty of opportunities for criticism from her, but to my knowledge she hasn’t uttered a single unkind word against me.
Setting these things aside, she and my father-in-law raised “the one my heart loves,” and I’m forever in awe at the result. My husband is a wonderful, patient man - a perfect combination of his parents’ temperaments and I couldn’t be more grateful.
My mother-in-law moved in with us last year to lighten the financial load for all of us. She and I have always gotten along well, and she has always been supportive of me and our marriage. She also is really helpful around the house.
We also have some similar interests in reading materials and television shows, so we’re often rehashing the latest Downton Abbey episodes or passing on library books that we think the other might like (right now we’re obsessed with the author Kate Morton).
Both of my grandmothers were nightmares as mothers and mother-in-laws, so I feel really blessed.
when my kids were little (over 20 years ago) and we hosted LOUD birthday parties which consisted of roasting hotdogs over an open fire in the back yard my MIL was right there helping to pour juice, cutting the cake and ohhh and awwwing over gifts and laugh at silly jokes. She was a good sport and a absolute doll while still remaining a perfect lady. She died 2 1/2 years ago and we all miss her so much.
My mother treats all her sons and daughters in law just like her own children. That means she has lots of opinions and she’s not afraid to share them. ;) But as my husband is very quick to point out she’s always been there for us when we needed her. If one of our kids or I was being hospitalized (and for a few years there that was a frequent occurrence), she always hopped on a train and made the two hour trip to our house to watch our other kids for us. We know it had to be very difficult for her to just up and leave everything in her own parish and community and it meant the world to us to know that everything was running smoothly at our home. And since mom runs a tight ship, the house and children were always cleaner than when we left.
That’s not what I got. I hope that I do a better job - and an excellent reminder to think before speaking. The impact of my spoken words can last a lifetime.
My mother-in-law lives 10,000+ miles away and has never been out of her country. She missed our wedding and four baptisms (first, because a visa would be impossible, then money problems with us that we couldn’t afford a ticket, now excuses- I think she is a bit agoraphobic). We see her every other summer when we can fly over there and weekly on Skype. But she is a great mother-in-law. She accepted me (and trusted her son) when I could have ruined her son’s life. All she knows of the States is what she sees on television, but she trusted that her son would still be able to be ordained a priest and live his vocation. With God’s grace, it has worked.
Jennifer,
What a thoughtful article on MILs. I wish I had had the chance to know mine, but unfortunately she passed away before I met my husband. My own mother is also deceased. I have a grown son who is in the early stages of what promises to be a serious relationship, so I have been pondering and praying about the best approach to take with his new girlfriend. You have given me some important food for thought, and I really appreciate it! Now, I have somewhere to begin - Thank you!
Cheri
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