Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project
I especially appreciated #4:
Never allow myself to have a “special friend” of the attractive sex (sometimes called a “work spouse”) to whom I turn for particular support. (This is sometimes called an “emotional affair.”)
I am not a naturally insecure person, but I am definitely grateful that my husband works in an all-male environment. Maintaining close “friendships” with members of the opposite sex is an area I think far too many people take too casually, sometimes with devastating consequences.
I also found #6 very insightful:
Imagine your spouse/partner as an audience – cc’d on the email, listening to the phone call, walking suddenly into the conference room. If you’d feel uncomfortable in that situation, you’ve crossed some line.
Whether you work in an office or just socialize with friends, I think imagining your spouse being present is a very helpful way to ensure you never “cross a line” in your relationships with members of the opposite sex.
What I find most intriguing about Rubin’s list is that it’s not an attempt to promote fidelity based on any kind of value system. Like all of her work, it’s based on happiness factors. Rubin specializes in figuring out what makes people happy.
And guess what? Fidelity does.
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I believe it’s a good idea to keep in mind the recipe for boiling a frog: Don’t try to put the frog into boiling water; put it into comfortable tepid water; then turn up the heat “reaaaal” slow. After a while you will have a boiled bullfrog.
People don’t usually check into a motel immediately, but only after a gradually increased intimacy. People need to make sure that platonic remains platonic.
OTOH, if some one is going through a rough patch and you can support them, it’s not very Christian to say just because of thier gender, you won’t. Again, depending on the d situation, one has tomonitor thier feelings.
I am a single young adult Male, and I am surprised and quite shocked that women actually think just because I or another faithful catholic male will 100%, without a doubt cheat on you simply, for no other reason because an attractive woman works woith us. Have you no faith or trust in us? Do you really consider us animalistic enough that we cant go 8 hours without some form of physical pleasure? Besides, there should be a list of 8 tips for somehow, through the mercy of God Himself, find a way for stay-at-home moms and dads to not have an affair with pool cleaners, dog walkers and repair/maintenance workers.
Ms. Rubin’s list certainly isn’t coming from Christian values. Remember? “It shall not be like that among you. No male or female, slave or free…” Just brothers and sisters in Christ! You would pervert the faith to ease your insecurity? This is your chance to overcome your sin! You would bind the world because some people will sin? They will sin anyway! We will be faithful BECAUSE we are Christian and rely not on human machinations but GODS grace! Emotional affair is a spin term to try to control others to keep from growing up oneself! Who set up this happiness factor scale and who did they ask? When men’s hearts change (men and women) we won’t be looking at each other as a sex object, but a soul. Grow in your Christianity. Don’t give in to secular thinking! God bless
@pam atkinson, I am not perverting the faith—only recognizing the flaws and weaknesses of human nature. We are not living in an ideal Christian world. We’re living in a fallen one. Cautioning people to make sensible decisions about male-female relationships in the workplace is not “binding the world.” The idea that sex differences don’t matter is secular thinking—don’t give in to it!
Yes you are perverting the faith. First you say you are happy your husband works with all males. You confess your distrust and insecurity. Yes you are human but not any human. Now turn to God. You can thank him that your husband is in the work he is in and you can ask to truly love your sisters who need a good paying livelihood. You can also ask for the grace to overcome the part of you that feels threatened that God’s love would be shown to him through another woman and her positive interaction with him! We are all holding CHRIST within us. Jesus himself visited Martha and Mary, the woman at the well, Mary Magdalene, the prostitute who wiped his feet with her hair. HE is our ideal. HE is who we emulate. Where is your scripture to pervert HIS love and openness to everyone? Don’t you see the fruit of this thinking. People spying and gossiping and undermining and harming based on appearances but not on love. Seeing evil where love and good is? You admit it makes you feel good there is no threat. You are living under fear. Let Jesus free you!
I think the advice is great (and very Christian). Let’s face it: 50% of marriages end in divorce. You may never have an affair. I may never have an affair. But there are a lot of people having affairs out there. The best thing we can do to affair-proof our marriages is to keep that relationship sacred. That means setting boundaries in every other relationship - even friendships. The advice that Danielle sites is just common sense. It’s not saying that you should be uncharitable or hide in a box. It’s simply stating that intimacy should stay within marriage - and intimacy doesn’t just refer to sex. Besides, even if you’re the most faithful Christian alive, setting firm boundaries helps others (who may not have your values) avoid occasions for sin. And Danielle - I’m grateful my husband works in an all-male environment, too :)
50% of Christian marriages do not end in divorce. The statistics for faithful church-going couples is dramatically less. Keeping a marriage sacred does not mean segregating sexes. It means keeping Christ in the marriage and in doing that, all relationships change. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ. Everyone is “Jesus in the distressing disguise” to Mother Theresa. Christians have an obligation to bring healthy relationships with proper boundaries to the workplace. You defame people when you thinking loving in the workplace is unChristian and lacking boundaries. It is our calling! Christians treat each other with love and if this is misinterpreted let the other party understand with a word or look or whatever. You are again speaking from fear. What if… This is not from God. You want to segregate the world to ease your fear? That is not God’s plan. Please pray about this.
I wouldnt go so far as to say Danielle is peverting the faith, I would say however, that I would never marry Danielle or any girl who felt it necessary to hold me true to this list of illogical, insecure, sexist so-called “tips” which shrewdly shroud the real issue here, that women are insecure and jealous of every woman their husband happens to work with. I would hope the woman I date has the respect, honor and decency to trust me for 8 hours of the day, to trust that i’m not just animal in heat, in desperate need of sexual gratifacation. And, to take it a step furthur, if wives really want to make sure their husband stays faithful, GIVE THEM A REASON TO STAY FAITHFUL! Kiss us when we come home, smile and laugh at our stupid jokes, caress us and cuddle with us, make us feel loved and appreciated. But if you hold your husbands to this list, and also do nothing but hand them a baby and a stack of bills when he walks into the room along with a grunt instead of a hello, you will only have yourself to blame in the divorce court…...and I am a child of a divorced couple, it’s not funny, it sucks….....
And by the way, youre shocked and scared that we might be having an affair at work, but youre not ashamed to spend the money that job brings are you…....
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