Q We have several kids. I stay at home and home school. My husband is very successful but works very long days — and I resent it. Am I wrong to feel this way?

A It begins innocently enough. The newly married couple wants to buy their first home, and then the babies start coming. Res ponsibilities and bills accumulate. The husband says, “I'll work like a dog just for a few years to make ends meet. Then we will be happy and financially secure.” The wife responds, “Okay. You go nuts with the job. I'll pour all my energy and appreciation into the kids.”

Sounds like a win-win situation. But, as time goes on, she pours her heart and soul into the children, while he spends the best part of his energy at work. Anger and hurt ensue. He says: “She doesn't give me credit for how much I bust my chops for this family. At least I'm appreciated at work.” She says: “He doesn't seem to realize that I need adult interaction and that I can't raise these kids all alone. For the little quality time he spends with me — and them — I might as well be a single parent.” The more resentment builds, the harder it gets for either to express heartfelt appreciation for the other's contributions.

So there's the nub of this problem. What's the solution? Here are some tips for turning things around.

Question long work hours.

Be aware that a home is a place of human interactions — a place of self-giving and communion, as Pope John Paul II reminds us. That means it's not enough to be aware of each other's needs; we need to persuasively show our concern.

Don't let your attitude be dictated by your emotions. If you are feeling tired, frustrated or unappreciated, that's no reason to mope or sulk. Even if the other is not giving you want you want, you can prayerfully give them what they need.

Talk about these kinds of problems early and often. Develop the desire to motivate both of you to be attentive to one another's needs and to show appreciation for one another's sacrifices and contributions. Then model those attributes. Ask your husband or wife what would make him or her feel loved and appreciated.

Husbands, schedule family activities right on your palm pilot or your Covey planner. Wives, keep track of the big issues at work, the ones he's clearly excited (or worried) about.

Dad, ask about her day, Robbie's spelling test and Janey's fight with her best friend. Mom, ask him how the important meeting went. Both of you: Commit to mutual acceptance even if you haven't yet come to agreement on some specific matter. Go out of your way to be a part of the “other” world he or she inhabits, no matter how uninteresting you find the details. You can work on the issues that divide you over time; you must begin every exchange by showing honor, respect, acceptance and appreciation.

I take it as an act of faith that God wants us to use our talents to do excellent work. I'm equally certain he wants us to do a great job with our family.

Art Bennett is director of Alpha Omega Clinic and Consultation Services.