Bring Work Home

Q

My husband works long and hard, and comes home exhausted. When I try to make conversation about his day, he just says I wouldn't understand. I feel left out of his life and his world.

A

Here's what we hear in the counseling office all the time: Dad is working too hard and too long. (I'm going to pick on the men here, for they seem to be the culprits.) Passion and enthusiasm are reserved for work. The folks at home get the worn-out, half-a-man leftovers. Think Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman and you get the idea.

I already gave at work. Now I want to relax. Leave me alone and please pass the remote.

That's bad enough. To make things worse, the dads/husbands not only deprive their families of time, but they also deprive them of any words: There's no sharing of successes, victories or even problems. No one at home gets a sense of exactly what he does and how he does it. There are no stories.

As you may have noticed, kids love stories. Why, even wives love stories. They particularly love stories about their hero: you.

When we talk to the men about this they usually say, “I keep work at work. She can't help me with my problems anyhow. I'm in trouble for working too much. I would only make it worse if I started talking about work.” Spoken like a true man. Unfortunately, the silent treatment compounds most any bad situation.

Tell them about your life! Tell them about your projects, dreams, goals, customers, bosses, co-workers, disappointments, successes. Tell them who you are and what you do when you are gone for 10-plus hours each day. Tell them how you rescued an account that was floundering. Tell them about an HR decision that helped people. Tell them about the chapter in the proposal you're writing, the hire you made, your sadness about the person you fired, the five-year plan, the quality of your products, the lessons you learn every single day. Share your life with them and do so with gusto, enthusiasm and pride. How else are they going to know you and appreciate you? Give them a guided tour of your life.

Share your day. You can't be like most parents who only talk to their kids 30 seconds a day. You are better than that. Besides: Inquiring minds want to know. Tell them the story and the glory of your life. You should even ask for their prayers if you have a particular struggle that they can understand.

Then, when you're on a roll, do something else remarkable. Ask about the best thing and the worst thing that happened to each of them that day. Listen with eyebrow-raising interest, as if it's your boss or your most important customer you're talking to.

Better yet, listen as you're hearing from the most important people in the world.

Art Bennett is director of Alpha

Omega Clinic and Consultation Services in Vienna, Virginia, and Bethesda, Maryland.

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