Tomorrow Star Wars finally comes to Blu-ray in three editions: The Original Trilogy, The Prequel Trilogy, and The Complete Saga. Good news for Star Wars fans, right?
If you’re a Star Wars fan, though, you may already know—or, if you didn’t know, you might have guessed—that George Lucas wouldn’t be content to release the same old twice-retweaked versions of the films released on DVD in 2004. That version incorporated the Special Edition changes from the 1997 theatrical releases—such as the infamous “Greedo shooting first” tweak, so that Han wouldn’t be such a scoundrel—plus new Extra-Special changes made specifically for the DVDs.
Needless to say, the Extra-Special Editions were so 2004. Now, for your Blu-ray watching pleasure, Lucas has unveiled the Extra-Extra-Special Editions—“I won’t call it the Ultimate Set because we keep finding stuff,” Lucas has ominously noted—with still more tweaks that have fanboys of all ages shouting “Nooooooooooooooo!”
Actually, they have Darth Vader shouting “Nooooooooooooooo!” At the very climax of Return of the Jedi, where Vader has a change of heart, grabs the Emperor who is dark-side-ocuting Luke, and tosses him into one of those really deep pits they build in Star Wars-land—where previously he was silent, Vader now shouts “Nooooooooooooooo!” This isn’t the only new change, but it’s the one attracting the most attention and consternation.
Now, the reason this is a bad idea is of course the exact reason why Lucas did it. That “Nooooooooooooooo!” is a call-back to a climactic scene from the climax of Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, in which Anakin, newly minted as Darth Vader, learns that his beloved Padme Amidala is dead, and shouts “Nooooooooooooooo!”
That “Nooooooooooooooo!” has become the stuff of legend. For its legendary badness, I mean. There is a whole website devoted to that “Nooooooooooooooo!” And not in a good way.
Now, fanboy overreaction to Lucas’s incessant tinkering with his films has gone over the top—way over the top. Let me say for the record, then, that the new Blu-ray extra-special edition changes with whipped cream and chocolate fudge are not, in fact, a crime against humanity. They’re Lucas’s movies, and he can do what he wants with them. Moreover, they’re far from the greatest or most important movies ever made. When someone argues that Star Wars fanboys need to grow up and stop caring about Star Wars so much, well, I don’t entirely disagree. Grownups should have better things to care about.
True. On the other hand, here’s something else grownups have: kids. Grownups with kids like to share things that were important to them as kids with their own kids. I’ve gone out of my way to purchase out-of-print children’s books I enjoyed as a kid to read to my own kids. I don’t say they’re all masterpieces, but it’s meaningful to me to share elements of my childhood with my own children. Thanks to Lucas’s insistence on restricting access to anything but the most recently tweaked versions, I can’t share the Star Wars I grew up with with my kids.
Lucas can do what he wants with his movies, and if he never, ever releases the Really Truly Original Trilogy in a decent aspect ratio and quality, that’s his business and the world will go on. But I wish he would, and, from my point of view, it would be nice if he did it while some of my kids are still young. Not that it’ll be the end of the world if he doesn’t.
A friend on Arts & Faith points out that a lot of the consternation of Lucas’s constant tinkering with his films is reducible to two issues. First, unlike some other directors who have reworked their movies (including Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner and Steven Spielberg’s E.T.), Lucas has so far refused to make the old versions available. He only wants you to watch the latest thing he’s done. Second, his decisions are so stupefyingly awful that there’s a certain train-wreck fascination to them.
What other changes has Lucas made? I won’t be getting the Blu-rays, so I may never learn for sure. On the Internet, I found a list of them that may or may not be accurate. Well, okay, I didn’t find them—I made them up, and posted them on Twitter under a briefly popular hashtag #fakeStarWarsRumors, where people were cracking jokes about the sort of changes Lucas might make if he were only juuust slightly more of a self-parody than he actually is.
So, without further ado:
My Top 10 Fake Star Wars Blu-ray Updates
- Chewie’s grunts and howls to be redubbed with dialogue by Ahmed Best (voice of Jar-Jar Binks).
- Leia kissing Luke in Hoth infirmary shortened. Also, she now kisses him on the cheek.
- Han tries CPR on Taun Taun before slicing it open. Also, during the Mynock scene, Han tells Chewie, “Set for stun.”
- Max Rebo Band in Jabba’s palace has new members including Wampa guitarist and Gungan piccolo player. Completely new song with Bieber vibe.
- Artoo-Detoo now seen flying whenever there are stairs. Also, during Dagobah tug-of-war scene, Artoo squirts oil at Yoda and tries to set him on fire.
- In Death Star duel, CGI Alec Guinness now bounces around Darth Vader like Ricochet Rabbit.
- All Episode IV references to “LEE-ah” redubbed as “LAY-ah.” Also, Carrie Fisher’s occasional British accent is redubbed.
- “Do you remember your mother, Leia? Your real mother.” “No.”
- In Cloud City duel, Darth Vader now swings at Luke first.
- More new “Nooooooooooooooo!” scenes!
- Luke discovering murdered aunt and uncle
- Luke in infirmary when Han says “That’s two you owe me”
- See-Threepio when Artoo plays message giving droids to Jabba
- Luke learning that Leia is his sister
- Leia realizing Vader’s her father and she kissed her brother
Other new Star Wars updates contributed by my friends (HT: Jeff Overstreet & Victor Morton):
- George Lucas continues Han Solo’s moral makeover. All references to “smuggling” now replaced with “snuggling.” (JO)
- Lightsabers are now bendy. (JO)
- More new “Nooooooooooooooo!” scenes: Qui-gon & Obi-wan realize that Jar-Jar is going to guide them to his people. (JO)
- CGI Alec Guinness to appear and be killed eight times, once in drag. (VM; props to first reader who knows what Victor is talking about.)
But the best fake Blu-ray update came from a stranger:
Greedo now shoots self while Han tries to stop him.
Feel free to contribute more in the combox!
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I can’t believe you wrote this blog. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Is your comment about Alec Guinness a reference to Kind Hearts and Coronets?
Kind Hearts and Coronets!
Sending this to my son Chris and my daughters boyfriend…they will both love this article!
First props to Stephen Stafford and second props to Joshua Wilson!
No one else gets any more Kind Hearts props.
My dh suggested that Alec Guinness would be replaced by Ewan McGregor.
How about:
-> Subtle product-placement. Pepsi “O” symbol appears on some tie fighters. Wendy’s sign and a Verizon billboard may be seen briefly in Mos Eisley landscape shots.
-> Lando Calrissian’s speaking parts are re-dubbed with Chris Tucker’s voice.
-> Orange tips are CGI’d onto all blasters.
-> Escape pods shown taking off from all exploding ships.
-> C-3P0 is outed as a “gay” robot and a marriage scene is added in the Ewok village at the end of RotJ with an Ewok priestess presiding.
I’m reminded of Vader’s “NOOOOOO!!!” being edited into these classic movies: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JkPKZhXth7M
Alderaan shoots first
Alderaan shoots first: http://i.imgur.com/xWweh.gif
M.Swaim & Pachyderminator: Wow, those are both brilliant. Thanks.
@SDG- best one of the bunch? Kevin Costner asking if his dad wants to play catch. Response? “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!”
I share your frustration! My kids love Star Wars. For the original trilogy, we watch only the VHS tapes that I bought in the mid-1990s, which don’t have any of the “Special Edition” changes.
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I have watched the “Special Edition” versions with Greedo shooting first, with the Ewok song stripped out, with Han stepping on the tail of a CGI Jabba the Hutt, etc., and many of the changes leave me scratching my head and wondering what Lucas was thinking.
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But the decision to insert Vader screaming “Noooooooooo!” in the scene where the Emperor is killing Luke? That simply boggles the mind! I have always thought that Vader’s silence in that scene carried great dramatic power. I guess Lucas prefers cheesiness to drama in what is probably the climactic scene of the entire series!
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What can I say, except that I am very thankful for my VHS tapes!
Like Paul - we stick w/ the VHS tapes in this house. Well, as much as possible as my boys do like the new ones (sort of)...every time they try to say the 1st Star Wars is actually the 4th Star Wars, I am the one to cry “Nooooooooo”!
My husband has been saying for awhile that if he had video-editing software, he’d make a video where every time Vader says “no” or “know,” he says “NOOOOOOOO!” instead. For instance:
*“But I want them alive. NOOOOOOOOOO! disintegrations.”
*“NOOOOOOOO! I am your father.”
*“Look within yourself. You NOOOOOOOOO! it to be true.”
@Leslie: Alec Guinness will remain in _Star Wars_, but in _Empire_ and _Jedi_ the spectral Obi-Wan will now be Ewan McGregor. If Anakin can get younger after he dies, why can’t Obi-Wan?
Of course there must be Droid phone product placements.
And the youngling Jedi attack Anakin first.
The notoriety and fortune which Lucas has won for himself when measured against the overall marginal quality of his work (especially in the prequels) has to be unmatched in the history of Hollywood. I perceive a remarkable lack of insight at best and a crippling arrogance at worst in someone who will not allow himself to be rescued from his own worst instincts. Like Donald Trump and his hairdo, surely Lucas has been advised against ideas like midi-chlorians and linking the entire Clone War to a previously marginally significant bounty hunter. He’s surrounded by intelligent, creative, and wealthy individuals who surely must exhibit an occasional shred of good judgment and wisdom, yet he nevertheless runs amok with his clunky revisions and dreadfully tone-deaf storytelling. It’s bizarre and worrisome and the whole bit makes me wonder why so many people remain so fascinated by the paper-thin universe he created.
I enjoyed most of the films on first viewing, as they appeal to the imagination as junk food appeals to the palate. But later on, I discovered that the only movie from which I could tolerate additional servings was the only one which Lucas himself did not write (Episode V). This strikes me as something more than coincidence. It’s too bad, too, because early on Lucas tinkered with epic themes and began creating a mythology which might have rivaled great literary creations like Middle Earth. With time, however, that world and its characters shrank smaller and smaller and the ideas the story expressed became increasingly impotent and shallow.
Having viewed the Star Wars saga with the help of my young son, who has since moved on (seems he clued in early…) I can not flit around among the scenes and action the way you are are able. I was in the original generation, saw them on the big screen and mostly left it at that. I thought the “first” first two were wonderful and then lost my taste for this (as someone said) “paper thin universe.” I laugh when I hear comparisons between the world of Star Wars and Middle Earth. There just is no viable way to compare them. One God rested, the other keeps tinkering…
If the trade-off is no more “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"s, I’m fine with Lucas constantly re-tweaking his old movies instead of making any new ones.
It’s like the old joke: what’s the difference between George Lucas and a View-Master? You can get more than two good pictures out of a View-Master.
I knew the Alec Guinness/Kind Hearts connection. If only I’d read this article yesterday. NOOOOOOOOO!
Another Han Solo fix: When Leia says she loves him just before he’s frozen in carbonite, instead of the callous “I know” we get a heart-felt “I love you too” and a CGI tear on his face.
Also, throw in a “NOOOOOOO!” by C3PO, Leia, Chewbacca, and Lando when Han is frozen; maybe they sing it in four part harmony. At the same time Boba Fett and Darth Vader say “Yes!” and give the arm pump by Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone; maybe they high five, too.
Steven,
I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Okay,
I lied. I do care somewhat about Star Wars not being ruined by George Lucas. If that Han Solo pre-carbonite fix is put in, I will be so disappointed. What ever edge these pictures had was due in large part to Han being the reality-check that he was. No pie in the sky for him. It was so cool when he said “I know.” Never change that. Never.
There was actually a DVD set of the original trilogy that was sold in stores about three or four years that supposedly has the original theatrical releases in addition to the special edition theatrical releases. I have not actually busted it open to find out if that’s exactly what I have.
This about the tenth set of the original Star Wars trilogy. My parents bought the first VHS release in the late 80’s/early 90’s. Then you had the THX remastered on VHS. Then you had the special edition releases which I think were offered on VHS and DVD. Then I think had some other DVD release when the prequels came out….the the one I mentioned above. Every single time one comes out they say this is going to be the last time and then a new set pops up a few years later.
Here is my theory about it all: George Lucas is a !@#$%! He’s going to keep milking that cow for as long as he can. I think he also made it abundantly clear with the prequels that he cares little for the integrity of the story and more about how many special effects he can throw in. No one ever told him that just because you “can” doesn’t mean that you “should”, or if they did he completely ignored them. It’s not coincidence either that his best movies are those directed by other people.
Or maybe George Lucas is doing this so that in ten more years he can have a “change of heart” and release the original original movies on whatever comes after blue-ray.
Jar Jar shot first.
Wait, what? If that’s true, it’s big - and good - news. But I’ve never heard that before.
@The Pachyderminator : It is true. Not sure how easy it is to find them now, but probably not impossible in the Internet age.
Yes, the original trilogy was on DVD a couple-a-few years ago, but here’s the catch: Rather than use the restored film elements from the special editions, Lucas used a print ripped from the old laser discs, and if I recall correctly the sound was 2.0 stereo, not 5.1 surround. Lucas couldn’t be bothered to digitally clean up the image, I guess ‘cause you know, money is tight.
Snape kills Obi-Wan!
Scenes of Carrie Fisher will now include a small Jenny Craig logo in the lower right corner.
I absolutely love this article, and thank you to the one who posted the “Alderaan shoots first” animated gif. I could not stop laughing/crying at that.
More “NOOOOOOOOO!” moments:
-When C-3PO “takes a bad step” on Tatooine
-R2D2, when C-3PO knocks the drink tray off his head on Jabba’s sail barge
-The Ranckor’s owner when Luke kills it
-The little frog when Jabba eats him
-The ewok who hugs his dead ewok friend on the Endoor moon.
-Han Solo when he accidentally closes the blast doors of the shield generator while messing with the wiring
I’d never heard of “Kind Hearts and Coronets” but it sounds hilarious—like Alec Guiness channeling Peter Sellers. Fortunately my local library has it, so I think I’ll be checking it out soon.
@ M.Swaim: The Jurassic Park dub was the one that made me laugh the most. I expected the “Nooooooooooooooo!” to come from one of the people in the car.
Rchael:
R O F L O L.
Victor, likewise.
Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back was a very enjoyable film. The first one was too, and the first, of course, so that much more attention-getting. But downhill form there. Reminds me of The Matrix series in that the first was so arresting, and then .... CLUNK. The obsession the whole thing is indicative of Baby Boomer self-fixation with its own formative culture. The series is entertaining…. but great? With costumes like Dart Vader’s helmet and Jar Jar Binks? Don’t think so.
The thing that soured me on Star Wars was the whole cloning business. In Episode II Senator Amidala gives Anakin a lecture about freedom. At the same time, the Kamino cloners are creating a slave clone army whose free will was genetically engineered out. I can’t remember any character being revolted at the prospect of the Republic being defended by a slave army genetically incapable of free will. In Episode II Yoda and Mace are heard to comment that they are having an increasingly difficult time reading the actions of the dark side of the force. Moral blindness can explain this. The same moral blindness that made it possible to use a slave clone army without any mention of the immoral abridgment of free will that the Kamino cloners had performed in genetically engineering the clone army to be a slave race. I noticed that Jango Fett, a bounty hunter, whose cells were used to produce the slave clone army, demanded that the clone who he raised as his son, Boba, had to be produced with an intact free will.
In Episode III the chickens came home to roost. The Jedi and the Republic made a Faustian bargain when they accepted the services of the slave clone army. Doesn’t a person have to have free will in order to be convicted of a war crime? When the clone army turned on the Jedi and the Republic they were simply following orders, orders that they had no choice but to obey.
To me this relates closely to the bioethics, and politics, of embryo stem cell research.
GregB,
For Star Wars there IS no divinely arbitrated moral code. That’s why so much of the extended universe includes moral misdemeanors on the part of the characters (don’t quote me, but I think they include mercy killing, fornication, torture) with Lucas’s approval. The Clone Army, as well as the celebrated “forbidden love” of Padme/Anakin is simply an extension of this. Without a real Moral Code, except don’t Force-choke anybody, anything can happen.
That said, I do love all the Star Wars movies.
My boys are all young adults now but I mention them as they formed my change of heart about Star War films worth. I enjoyed the films when they came out but since the film industry was just beginning to allow films that actually entertained to be produced instead of those that depressed, it was understandable to like a movie that left you excited about the experience.
My boys reaction to the films when my 14 yr old nephew insisted they watch them was dramatic. Long before they saw light sabres for sale, they were donning cloaksk and waving sticks. As I mother, it was great, imaginative play inspiring always got my vote.
We quickly moved onto the radio drama with all the extras and that was sooooo much better than the movies. The clincher for me is all the Star War books. I know some are horrible, I made myself read them before letting the lads have a go,but some are terrific. It reminds me of the Oz series but if Baum had welcomed more writers. The characters and plots are linked to the original but there is room in the story to expand.
I think a great story can be recognized by how it can be retold, added to and enjoyed through the generations.
George Lucas had the spark but not the last word. Stick to the VHS and listen to the radio drama.
http://www.amazon.com/Star-Wars-Original-Radio-Drama/dp/1565110056
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