For many, many Catholics, life revolves entirely around people, places, and activities far away from their parish church: daily life is centered espcially around work and career - rather than being a necessity; work becomes something one devotes oneself to, and builds their identity around. Away from the workplace, life is centered upon time spent at home (TV, internet, kitchen, the barbecue, etc.), and at the homes of their extended family, friends, and neighbors. It’s also centered upon the shopping mall. And its centered upon the additional activities surrounding the school, sports, games, and friends of their children. To spend time, as it were, “hanging about” in the empty corridors and deserted spaces of the parish church would seem to many fruitless, when so much more is going on outside. This is really a puzzle, and a shame.

A big thing for us becoming freinds with people in our parish is the parish school.  You get to know parents of your kids class freinds after school, you see them at mass, the church festival, autcition etc.  We are definalty blessed at our parish with all the opportuniities to get to know people.

P.S. Members of the Amish community are extemely connected to one another through church and religious activities. Church is everything to this community. The Amish reject television, telephones in their homes, and owning automobiles, not because they believe these things are evil, but because they believe that having these things close at hand could prove a distraction, could interfere with the time and energy that they ought to devote to their church, to prayer, to the raising of the children in a godly home, and to these very church-based friendships discussed in the article. I believe we as Catholics possess the fullness of truth in our holy faith, but how many of us are squandering our precious patrimony and choosing to sell it for a mess of pottage? Whereas the Amish admirably treasure the faith they have and make it the very centerpiece of their lives, not just on Sunday but every day.

We are blessed with a wonderful parish community and many super-charged friends from our parish. One thing I really appreciate about our parish is that CCD is held on Sundays. While the kids are in their classes, the parents have coffee and doughnuts in the social hall. I look forward to that time every week and the whole family is sad when CCD ends for the summer. It is very convenient as our parish also has quite a few people who drive, some as much as an hour, to be there. They are able to attend the 9 AM Mass and then the kids go to CCD. If that is too early you can come for CCD and stay after for the noon Mass. It saves another trip downtown to the parish, and provides a much needed dose of fellowship on Sundays.

Yes, Marion, that is true; and isn’t it interesting that for the Amish, “church” is held every two weeks and not even in a church, but rather a barn or a home?  To the Amish community is everything.  This is a subculture of people who live very home-centered lives and yet still manage to have thriving communities.

If offered at your parish, sign up for a CRHP (Christ Renews His Parish) retreat, then attend the formation period afterwards.  It was created to specifically address the problem identified in this article.

I also second Deanna’s remark about parish schools.  Our oldest child started at our parish school this year and we are now on church grounds every day but Saturday, and usually multiple times each day.  It has dramatically increased our circle of parish friends.

“This (the Amish community) is a subculture of people who live very home-centered lives and yet still manage to have thriving communities.”
I think that you are right, Jenny. If I might add my own take to your analyis, by suggesting not only do the Amish live home-centered lives, and lives centered on community, but it would appear that the Amish live *God-centered lives*, of which their devotion to home and community are but the natural expressions. I mention all this not to extol the Amish at the expense of Catholics, or to suggest that we Catholics ought not to maintain church buildings, or that we ought to wear black suits and home-made dresses, or to drive buggies instead of cars, but to ask whether there is any reason why we cannot imitate the preeminence that the Amish place upon God, such that consideration of home, work, family, friends naturally fall into their rightful places in our daily lives, as well?

Don’t forget: when looking at analysis like these, to remember it probably comes from protestants. Most protestant communities work either more like cults (with a charismatic leader whose prime focus is group organization and control) or, for the more main-line protestants, as social clubs (after all, what else do they substantially have going for them than vaguely shared sentiment?), so this stands to reason. The Catholic Church has some One radically different holding her together. Everything else is secondary and of lesser import than that most important Friend.

“... any reason why we cannot imitate the preeminence that the Amish place upon God, such that consideration of home, work, family, friends naturally fall into their rightful places in our daily lives, as well?”

this will happen when we stop using a parish and it’s Mass time for our convenience and commit ourselves to a parish community not just by registering but by being present. When you go to the “convenient” Mass, you have put going to Mass (ie worship of God) as second to something else. And you eliminate the possibility of making connections with fellow parishioners.

“regular encounters and shared religious experiences with congregational friends” that does the trick”

It is not a trick, it is grace. The more the congregation holds strongly shared beliefs the more of a “true” community they will become. Too many parishes are lackluster in their belief in the teachings of the church, the liturgy shows it and there is little but “feeling good” that holds them together. And even the feelings are not that deep.

Our very orthodox parish has found that church suppers only work if they are tied to a liturgy-Stations of the Cross in Lent, St. Joseph’s Feast Day Vespers, confirmation, May procession. Dinners and other social events done with no liturgy involved do not bring people in. We are a parish with folks coming from up to 90 minutes away. They are not looking for “social” but for opportunities to pray, worship and then spend time with each other.

No, it is not perfect, we have issues too. It is ALWAYS hard to be new in a parish. I don’t care what kind of parish it is. We have to remember that we are not there to make friends. That is always a benefit and maybe a necessary one for the more lackluster in faith so when someone says the problem is the parish, no the problem is you. Believe that was hard to say in some parishes. It is a test of faith to keep going in some parishes. Sometimes, we have to pick up and move on, sometimes hold on and wait for the Lord to show us what to do.

The problem with Catholic parishes is the people and their lackluster, in name only Catholicism.

BTW, it really is o.k. if you don’t know anyone at Mass. It really is.

J. R. P.: You’re way off base.
 
In the first place, I’ve been both a Protestant and a Catholic—I’ve even belonged to one of those very small Protestant churches with cult-like tendencies—and I can tell you that it is not remotely true that “Most protestant communities work either more like cults [or] as social clubs.” You don’t know what you’re talking about.
 
In the second place, like I said, fifty years ago American Catholic churches did much better in the local community department than they do today. I’m not talking about adopting some gimmicky thing alien to the Catholic experience. I’m saying here’s something American Catholics have lost in the last several decades that non-Catholic churches today do much better than we do.
 
Community has always been a key part of Catholic life, going all the way back to Pentecost. In Acts 2:42, immediately after St. Peter’s Pentecost sermon and the baptism of the 5,000, we read, “And they devoted themselves to (a) the apostles’ teaching and (b) fellowship, to (c) the breaking of bread and (d) the prayers.”
 
Look at the things in that list: (a) apostolic teaching (what we have today in sacred scripture and sacred tradition); (b) fellowship; (c) the breaking of bread (i.e., the Eucharist) and (d) the prayers (communal or liturgical prayer).
 
Evangelical Protestant churches, within the limits of their truncated theology and ecclesiology, put a lot of emphasis on (what they understand regarding) (a), (b) and (d). Often they do (b) very well indeed. Typically, (c) is given very short shrift (and this was something that struck me and disturbed me as a young Evangelical feeling my way toward the fullness of Catholic faith).
 
Devout American Catholics are all about (a), (c) and (d). We aren’t nearly as good anymore at (b)—certainly not as good as Evangelicals. We need to do better.

“Devout American Catholics are all about (a), (c) and (d). We aren’t nearly as good at (b)—certainly not as good as Evangelicals. We need to do better.” What I’ve been trying to say, only far, far better said.

St. Michael the Archangel in GA is pretty awesome :) We have awesome parish life for all ages.

In my parish we have four Masses: 8:00 am (Extraordinary form), 10 and 12:10 (ordinary form), and 2 (Spanish).  Its like having four separate churches in one parish.  I go to the 8:00.  There used to be a bit more of a sense of community but it has waned over the years.  We have lost a couple of people and others have left completely or have gone to one of the other Mass times.  When we as a parish actually get together, it is only during Holy Week or Christmas.  It can be disastrous. Holy Thursday Mass always features the choir from the 12:10 Mass and the Spanish one.  Part of the Mass is done in English and part in Spanish with a little bit of Latin thrown in.  The choirs are not together.  They both sing very different music.  It doesn’t feel like we are actually one church.

I know that after the 8:00 and the 10:00 Mass, we do have coffee and dougnuts downstairs but even that has dropped off in recent years.  We used to have more people come downstairs after the 8:00 but not much anymore.  I don’t know what the solution is on how to foster a better parish community.  I know it has hurt that several of the families with younger children have left the parish and there just doesn’t seem to be any initiative to bring the parish together.  I know it hasn’t been the same since our previous pastor died.  The new pastor, God bless him, is doing the best he can but he has few resources and I can tell that he is under a lot of stress so the priority of greater community is probably not high on his list of stuff to do.

“The new pastor, God bless him, is doing the best he can but he has few resources and I can tell that he is under a lot of stress so the priority of greater community is probably not high on his list of stuff to do.” Thank you for your patience and understanding toward the new pastor. The question does occur to me though, would fostering community among members of the parish be the particular responsibility of the pastor? Or would it not be more particularly the responsibilty of the members of the parish? This is not to say that the pastor should not participate, encourage, perhaps get the ball rolling by tapping a few shoulders. He should do these things. But shouldn’t his encouragement and ongoing support be only one small part of the picture, and the rest be up to the initiative, follow-through, and dedication of the parish members?

Your observations are right on the mark, Steven. Could the reason be for this state of parish life be, at least in part, due to Catholics regarding the faith as something we *do*—attend Mass and receive Holy Communion—in place of something we are called to *live*? Where the spiritual maturity to understand this distinction is present, I think the idea of authentic community, which includes real fellowship (church friends) is also present. Like you, I am a convert who came home to the Catholic Church (by way of the Conservative Baptist denomination), and I have attended Mass at both parishes where the members *do* it and those whose members *live* it. In my experience, the former make you feel invisible and the latter make an effort to welcome and involve you.

I’m sorry to seem like I’m plugging my blog, but I wrote something here:
http://northerncffamily.blogspot.com/2012/02/church-militant-is-more-than-smart.html

You are right.  We converted because we found the truth, that’s it.  I miss my small protestant church that was our social life.

~Allison

Whats a really a shame is when you are new to an area.. No one reaches out and God forbid they find out you have no children and are disabled? Well, then, you will REALLY have no church friends..My husband and I have been attending the same Catholic Church for a year now.. it boasts all about it’s “Community life”.. Uh yeah, no so much unless you can be there ALL the time, participate in ALL things and be there when needed.. If you are unable due to physical limitations well then you are and always will be , “on the outside looking in”..

Allison, thanks for posting your painful experience. Your story is heartbreaking. You write:

“Catholics go to church, then go home.  No visits.  No restaurants.  There’s plenty of Facebook and bloggy bemoaning the state of the country and our Church, but when I posted a status update that Rees had been hospitalized?  Silence.  Indifference.  In fact, this past time, a church leader told us he was heading in for a visit, then never showed.  Readers, this is Even Worse than not showing.”

 
Yup. This is all too typical of American Catholic experience today. It didn’t used to be like this.
 
FWIW, I have heard bitter laments just like this from Protestant friends, so it does happen everywhere.
 
Still, my impression is that Protestants are generally better at this sort of thing than Catholics, partly because their churches tend to be much smaller, but also partly because of cultural changes in Catholicism in recent decades, not for the better.
 
People, if we can’t do better than this, the mystery of the Body of Christ is impaired among us.
 
I don’t know what the answer is. I doubt if a top-down program from the bishops will change things. I suspect the best route may be grass-roots efforts to foster a sort of culture of resistance (or at least difference) in individual parishes (like ours). I hate to sound like a defeatist, but we can’t watch our families grow up waiting for the world to change. We have to do what we can.
 
I say this as one who, as noted above, spent years wandering in the wilderness alone, praying for deliverance. Prayer and faithfulness are the only answers I have.

I think one of the challenges that should be addressed is the ease with which parishioners can use the parish’s facilities for activities that foster fellowship.  Nearly every parish I have ever been to has mulitple restrictions on who can use what facility for what purpose.  Oh, and btw, it’ll cost you money.  At our parish, we tried to start a weekly rosary group for stay-at-home parents and their children, but were not allowed to use any of the parish facilities.  I can tell you this makes fellowship difficult, especially when many of us are trying to be open to life (some with great fervor!) :-) and have many many children among us.  There just isn’t the physical space for doing such a thing at someone’s home.  I also have found that the number of family-friendly activities sponsored by any of the area parishes are few and far-between, making regular fellowship difficult.  And while I agree with the post about the parish school involvement, our Catholic school is not affiliated with any parish and there aren’t all that many Catholic schools in our neck of the woods.
***
Personally, I think the tone is set by the pastor and, while I know our priests are already stretched very thin, I think it would behoove them to make an effort to see that their parishes are interested in cultivating such activities for parishioners.

Reading this, I feel so grateful to belong to a Parish full of “super-charged” friends…Our parish was thrown into turmoil about 6 years ago when our pastor of 25 years was removed for past allegations of sexual misconduct. Our “new” priest arrived with an open attitude toward some of the new ministries parishioners were looking to get going…one group initiated Perpetual Adoration; another got the ACTS retreat started. These apostolates require a great deal of commitment on the part of both the Parish Priest, deacons and participants…and perhaps this is why they’re not in every Parish. I cannot describe how much just these two additions have revitalized our Parish community. There is nothing like an ACTS ministry to get to know parishioners in a profound way. We seem to be coming together as a Parish more and more…

I feel like you might be confusing some factoids about a historical fantasy of 50s neighborhood Catholicism in certain places (usually cities with large immigrant populations), with the fact that the Catholic Church was the central fact of the West for ~1300 years, and assuming that provides the right prescriptive here. What you are saying has not held universally - or indeed even predominantly - true in the Catholic experience.

So, consider for most of that period and for most of those people, all fellowship - casual friendship or more - was with Catholics implicitly, just by virtue of them being in the West or living in the same part of the city (Philly, for instance), etc.

However, unlike Catholicism, the protestant aberration of the past 500 years (like the various heterodox groups before them) requires exceedingly tight-knit communities separated from the wider society in order to thrive - but that wasn’t their raison d’etre. Instead, it was a necessity to avoid an unfortunately (for them) reasonable influence against their silly theology. Precisely cult-like, in fact. And they’ve kept it up.

Catholic communities are, with greater historical propriety and accuracy, correctly described (even when they are a minority) as more outward facing. As well they should be. Our fellowship is in order to do something bigger than ourselves.

The tendency to face inward today is precisely born of protestant influences: consider the difference between ‘apostolate’ (outward facing, which the non-professional-Catholic lay people in the Church stopped doing en masse in the generations following Vatican II) and ‘ministry’ (inward facing, which everybody - or at least all the girls - want to do because somehow it’s powerful).

The loss of the multitude of ‘pious associations’, the loss of Vincent de Paul-type apostolates, even the shrinking KoC: all of these properly Catholic forms of fellowship were tossed out with the orthodoxoclasm of the past few decades.

We’ve tossed over the notions of apostolate - even an ‘apostolate of one’ if I may borrow the army’s slogan - and now you’re advocating replacing it with the worst, most insular parts of protestantism to get back the social component?

So, no.

Now, if you want, you can agree with me that we should return to, for instance, lots more third-order organizations or Opus Dei cooperators or whatnot; lots of well-supported pious associations and sodalities; greater activity in the KoC. Then, we can be of one mind.

But making fellowship contingent on the local parish community is precisely the wrong model and is born of the wrong sentiment as well as the wrong historical praxis.

My fellow Catholic friends are by far, the best. But I don’t have any freinds in my parish. I used to have a few before I moved, but I don’t now and I have no opertunity to get to know them.

I can so relate to this!! I kept thinking “me too” while reading this!  I used to be a protestant and there are things about that I miss soo much, especially the home Bible studies where we would all eat and sing worship songs and pray together.  Best time ever!!

I think the best theorical analysis about this topic in USA was by Steve Clark, founder of Sword of the Spirit Communities. You can read his book “Bulinding Christian Communities”... or at least this chapter about why parishes do not work well this role. http://www.swordofthespirit.net/books/html/chapter3.html

I have been many years thinking about it. In Barcelona we had a charismatic group in my parish, we prayed together at mass, at the praise and worship meeting, and at home together, and also were friends, and went together to the cinema, or trips to the countryside and to pro-life demonstrations. When we moved to Madrid we lost all of this. There are fine (few) people in our parish, but not “brothers and friends”. Other parents in children catechesis in our parish are not really believers.

Anyway, the new movements are working well because they mix: 1) small groups to share faith, prayer and daily problems; 2) people who pray together (but perhaps not in the parish); 3) people from similar age and situation tend to become friends.

So the answer is to join people of similar age to pray together in small groups, talk about the Lord in their life and problems, share feelings, and some food and become friends in SMALL GROUPS. Alpha course does it. Covenant communities in the Charismatic Renewal also. And perhaps the most effective system is parish evangelization cells, as in St Eustorgio, Milan, and Centinelle del Mattino. 

But this requires a strong change in our parishes to become small-community orientated, and not simply mass-mass-goers.

I, too, have experienced this phenomenon and mefitated on it for years, wondering what the solution is.  I see very few friendships between parishioners at my parish.  This is compounded by the fact that those who attend the EF don’t ever meet or mingle with those who attend the OF.  Not because of snobbishness, mind you, but because of schedules.  Most of those who attend the EF homeschool their children AND drive up to an hour or more to come to Mass at the only EF in our diocese.  They do hang out in the parking lot and talk to each other while the children play.  The EF is at 12:30 on Sunday and I get really frustrated with the KofC closing all the breakfasts at noon and not having a family rate.  Most of us at the EF have large families and can’t afford the per person rate.  We are not treated as part of the parish community.  We have tried to start family friendly dances that are wholesome, and advertised them with half page ads in the bulletin, yet no one besides EF attendees come.

I am glad to see our new pastor trying to address this.  This year there are soup suppers during Lent, combined with the priests of our comminity doing teaching.  Last week was an astounding success with double the attendance! 

Any suggestions as to what I can do to help the pastor and encourage the EF and OF communities to come together?

At the Oratory Church of St. Boniface in Brooklyn, NY, we are BLESSED with a community of intention—like the author’s, one that people travel miles to—where we have coffee hour after EVERY Sunday 11:15 mass, an active lay-led program of faith development and musical events, lectures, an annual street fair/picnic, and more. We have made deep and lasting friendships that have sustained us greatly, and this is in TOTAL contrast to any parish I have ever belonged to in the tri-state area. In most parishes, you can easily remain a stranger indefinitely unless you’re an “old-timer.” At first, I thought this had mainly social benefits, but as years pass, I find that our community reflects Christ more deeply, too; we encounter him in one another, in our shortcomings and our fellowship.

I don’t know whether this is other peoples’ experience, but, I suspect that many of the Protestant churches which are very close-knit are made up of members who are more or less on the same page in their faith, and to be frank, in their cultural and political ideology. Not totally on the same page, but in the same general playing field. Whereas in many Catholic parishes, you may have an ultra-Leftie Sunday-only cafeteria Catholic sitting in the pew beside an Opus Dei husband and wife and their six children? In my parish parking lot, during Sunday Mass, you see cars with “Obama / Biden” bumper stickers and cars with “Pray the Rosary to End Abortion” bumper stickers. Apart from participating in Holy Mass, what are these folks going to talk about? And how soon before the conversation escalates to fisticuffs? Many, many Catholics are *not* on the same page, and in fact, some would like to rip the page that some of their fellow parishoners are on, out of the book and tear it to pieces in front of their eyes. I think these ideological differences are helping to tear the Church apart. And people hurriedly scurry back to the safety of their private lives to avoid possibly being subjected to the unpleasant experience of feeling attacked or oppressed by their fellow Catholics who are also decidedly their ideological opponents. I think that’s part of why I kind of do the duck-and-cover thing after Sunday Mass at my parish. I stay in the pew to offer Thanksgiving to the Lord for the grace of the Eucharist, and watch them blow out the candles and remove the altar things. And after this is finished, the sanctuary and afterwards, the hallways and the parking lot, are virtually as deserted as a ghost-town.

Confidential to Allison: I’m so sorry to hear of what happened to your family during your son’s illness - the apparent indifference, the self-absorption. A few years ago, I fell and broke my arm and my leg. I had a Mom and two brothers who lived in the area. They visited me in the hospital once . . . and after that we never saw them, never heard from them. Family. My own family. Here’s what I think: If a person’s life and priorities are centered on God, then his or hers responses to others will naturally reflect that. If you hold a polished silver dish up into a window through which midday sunlight is shining, and aim it at a dim corner, you will set that corner brightly aglow. It can’t help it. The photons are there. Similarly, if a person’s heart is on fire with the love of Christ, then he or she will be quickly on the scene and ready to help when it is learned that anyone is hurt or in need or in trouble. Can’t help it. I think that is what “by their love you shall know them” means.

My Parish is at best a small part of my life. But I’m glad it is there for me, please understand that our Church does a great deal of good for a great many people who are not among the Parish’s (possibly Apocryphal) “super-friend” community. Indeed, these “super-friends” may be a minority of most Parishes.

J. R. P.: I am open to the avenue of relief you propose, of promoting apostolates, third-order organizations, pious associations and the like. I think these are useful and helpful. I don’t think they amount to a sufficient response to the historically abberant situation of parishioners attending Sunday Mass every week with a lot of strangers and having no communal ties to their parish.
 
It’s true that my comments about American parish life in past decades are significantly predicated on the immigrant experience, which, in turn, is largely the story of urban centers. So what? That’s precisely where you get religiously diverse communities. It’s also typically either in urban areas or suburban sprawl that you get the phenomenon of Catholics picking and choosing among a half dozen possible Masses among the two or three nearest churches. In most rural areas in this country Catholics who have a church to go to at all don’t have multiple parishes and a wealth of Masses to choose from, and the problem I describe here doesn’t happen.
 
Obviously in the grand sweep of 2000 years of history, the sociology of, say, a medieval village, or even what passed for a medieval city, was radically different from the way people live today. I’m not sure how useful a point of reference that would be for us today, particularly in a world in which populations were generally homogenous.
 
But the bottom line is this. I suppose that wherever you go in church history, particularly in cultures where the faith was well established, you would typically find that (a) the local church has historically been a central institution in community life, and (b) fellow congregants at church typically knew many of the people around them and were almost as likely to number fellow parishioners among their friends as they were to have friends at all. Unless you disagree with these seemingly rather obvious points, my central concerns stand.
 
Your jaundiced theories about Protestant sociology are unsupportable with respect to the facts, either of history (Protestantism didn’t spread on the model of close-knit evangelistic churches as we know them today; it was spread politically, by the fiat of princes) or of present experience. There are certainly churches today such as you describe, and have been for centuries, but it’s just not the case that what you describe is essential, typical or even predominant of the Protestant experience. No credible sociological source will back you up on that. Please cite any historical study of the Reformation in the world that supports a version of events anything like what you describe.

As a Protestant feeling called to a Tiber swim, this column makes me sad.  (As do the arrogant comments of someone discussing a faith tradition he only knows—and judges—from the outside, but that’s another matter.)  I get that the point of the Mass is the Eucharist, but still!  My church family is such an enormous help and support in the growth and maturation of my faith.  Fellowship, community and friendship are not optional!  It’s hard for me to imagine going to a church where I show up, participate in worship, and then go out the car and drive away without talking to another human being.  I can’t imagine going to a church where my kids don’t spend the Sunday morning coffee hour eating cookies and chatting with the older ladies in our congregation, or having lock-ins where they spend time discussing the Holy Spirit’s work in their lives, or soaking up all the lessons about Christian living that they receive in a thousand small ways from the role models they are surrounded by.  I was floored to read the comment above about how someone’s church didn’t let them use the facilities for a weekly rosary.  What on earth are they there for then?!

One of the strengths that the Evangelical movement has is precisely the community feel you get when you go to their churches. They try to plug you into all types of ministries and groups as soon as they see you a second time. They make an attempt to make people feel welcomed. I think this stems from the fact that belonging to the Evangelical movement by definition means that you take your faith seriously. At least more seriously than their typical mainline protestant cousins. Catholics on the other hand are more of a mixed bag. When you believe in your faith then you want to bring people in and evangelize. When your faith means little (as it is with a majority of self-identified Catholics) then you don’t care much to evangelize and bring people in. The typical Catholic cannot evangelize because he himself is not evangelized.

Thank you for writing this, Steven.  I always thought this problem was just me.

I, too, have tried to make other Catholic friends by attending an infrequent Bible study, but they were all elderly people, and I stuck out like a sore thumb.  I even went to my parish priest to say that I needed Catholic friends, but he didn’t know of any way to make this happen since most friendships occur naturally.

One problem is that my church is an older congregation and most activities are scheduled at times that are convenient for retired people. I cannot go to Faith Formation workshops,rosary meetings, Bible readings, or even adorations that are scheduled before 5pm during the week.

To emphasize how serious this problem is for me personally, I will admit that I’ve thought of joining a different denomination over this.

Here are some of my suggestions.  Most of these ideas come from other churches I’ve visited:

1) Other (Protestant) churches I’ve visited have Bible studies or workshops/classes and a luncheon EVERY WEEK after service.  This makes Sunday Church an event rather than something we need to rush home from to escape the traffic. Sure, some people will go home, but many will stay for the bonus activity.  There are many times when I leave service wanting more fellowship with like-minded believers.

2) Other churches also write little blurbs about local members in their bulletins as a way to introduce members to people who may not know them. It is easier to strike up a conversation with someone you know a little about, rather than a stranger.  Also, many Catholics would be tickled to get highlighted in the bulletin.

3) Divide Bible studies/workshops, etc by gender.  Most women want to be friends with other women and men with other men.  It is difficult to approach someone for conversation when they are surrounded by their entire family.  Think of this way: the kids make friends on the playground when they are alone with other children.  Sharing activities with other people in the same age group and gender fosters conversation and fellowship.

4)Service projects. Have them announce before mass or in the bulletin different things the congregation wants to do for the community and see who gets involved.

5) Utilize the parish priest.  Most Catholics have respect for their priest.  If the priest announced that he was going to have lunch or dinner at a restaurant each week and other members of the congregation were welcome to join him, I am sure other people would come.  Then the priest could introduce people while sharing a meal.

Erika Evans:
 
I feel for you, and I don’t want to sugarcoat the reality. It’s tough out there. As I wrote above, Suz and I suffered in the wilderness for years.
 
But God is good. There is Catholic community out there to be had. And I believe that God rewards us for fidelity in the tough times. I look at our rocky road in the past as a time of testing, and not a week goes by that I don’t thank God for blessing us with where we are now.
 
God be with you.

How many places can I post this article??  I converted from the Methodist faith when I was 21 years old.  I was so excited.  The Catholic Church has such beautiful theology about the oneness of our faith and community.  But where do we practice it?  This journey has been such a struggle for me.  I’m now 34 years old and struggle to form community and start Bible studies.  Sigh….I truly believe the Holy Spirit is calling the Church to be ONE.  If only the Catholics would bend an ear towards the Protestants.  They truly know the culture of community.

I just became a Catholic 2 years ago and came into the Church with a self-knowledge i.e. that I needed community and that it’s easy to be anonymous in a Catholic setting. Luckily, I was part of a parish with a very solid music ministry so I did what any good Evangelical Protestant knows to how to do in their sleep, I joined the Choir as soon as possible! It was still slow going. People didn’t seem to know each others’ names! But patience is a virtue, oh baby is it ever a virtue and now, a year and a half later, I am part of something within my parish that knits me into the fabric of church life, gives me a toe-hold and makes me feel as if I can do this parish thing! Some of my other RCIA buds have not been as fortunate and honestly, some are floundering, not knowing what to do with the reality of “just being Catholic” rather than being the beloved RCIA candidates that get applause as they file out of Mass before communion. It’s a puzzle, and it can try your faith…

I found you can make friends by being active in the Knights of Columbus.

“Mass is not an occasion for social connection for many Catholics, any more than going grocery shopping is.”

I wish that were true.  My family and I visited our old town that we moved away from last Summer.  The clerks and the store manager at the local Krogers recognized us, said hi, and talked about how the kids had grown over the years.  Went to a restraunt for lunch and ran into someone from the old company and chatted for a minute.  Went to Mass that Sunday, and…no one, not one person, recognized us, took any notice, of us, nothing.  Grocery shopping has more fellowship than going to Mass at the same Church for over two years.  At the new parish in the new town, can’t say it is much better. 

I wonder if Jesus will someday ask us when we gave Him drink, when we fed Him, when we clothed Him, when we visited Him in prison…and when we bothered to say hello to Him after Mass.

My wife and I are adult converts.  We used to attend a vibrant protestant church.  They do the fellowship thing better, becuase that is all that draws people in anymore now that their theology is pretty much paper thin and everyone is saved forever more anyway.  The Catholic church can lay claim to the fullness of the faith, but how much better new people could be drawn in, and people retained if only people were actually interested in each other.  Socially, there is no organization easier to leave or harder to get into.  Sad, sad, sad.

My experience as a fundamentalist Protestant who joined an charismatic, ecumenical covenant community, who then became a Catholic and then moved for career reasons to a large, fairly typical, but vibrant Catholic parish allows me to resonate with experiences shared here. Although fellowship can be extremely affirming on a human level, nothing compares with the gift that Jesus Christ is. Receiving Him in the Eucharist, communing with Him in prayer, pouring one’s heart out to Him and identifying with Him in all of His suffering, including offering Him my suffering “as is”, everything else can be given or taken away, as He desires. I believe that covenant community, outlined by Steve Clark as mentioned above, can be a tremendous gift, and in my experience, it is the commitment to love and serve in community, accepting those others for who they are, not picking and choosing, that makes community and fellowship work. One must be willing to contribute to building community, starting with one’s family, then joining others who are also willing to make the same sacrifice of loving service, not primarily for oneself, but pouring oneself out for others. If it doesn’t result in an increase in human fellowship, then intensify your communion in fellowship with the Blessed Trinity. Perfect fellowship is there, and perhaps a time may come when fellowship in the human community grows and deepens as well. Let the well-springs of eternal life be your true portion and lot. I offer these thoughts to others, but really, I am speaking to myself, because the challenges of this life are great, and we all need something infinitely greater in order to meet them.

Maybe I’m atypical but I go to Mass to encounter Christ not to socialize. I know it shouldn’t be either/ or but in my experience it is. My very chatty parish is louder than a Starbucks most times before Mass starts. By the time Mass starts my blood is boiling at the irreverence. I also am a revert from serious Evangelicalism and am very aware that the trendy lefties around me are in no way on the same page as me. To me fellowship is shared world view and convictions coupled with fervor and commitment. I am painfully aware I have more in common with devout Evangelicals than I do with Kennedy/ Pelosi/ Biden catholites. Fellowship is a lot more than behind in close physical proximity. It’s one thing to be alone. It’s entirely another to be alone in a crowd. Now comes the post about the only sin a leftie ever recognizes, my judgementalism.

This really hits home for me. I became Catholic in 2010 after 27 years a Protestant. It’s not a thing I ever thought I would do, and my wife remains Protestant. Things were great in RCIA. We were the center of attention during that time. Now I’m just a face in the crowd. In two years I still know only a handful of people’s names. I drive 30 min. to get to this parish, which I like for the quality of worship. But I really would like to get to know people. The distance I drive doesn’t help but, still, by this time I thought I’d know more folks. My wife has made peace with my being Catholic and it doesn’t cause a problem. But the other day she said she could never go to church and just come home like I do. Even she can tell I’m not doing great in the friend department. There have been times when this situation has made me wonder just what the heck I’m doing. But knowing what I came from, and believing that becoming Catholic was the answer to a specific prayer in 2009, I’m in for the long haul. I’ve been to an Ignited by Truth Conference, which was great, but even there the only conversation I had was with a friendly charismatic Catholic woman who invited me to a prayer group (and I’m not interested in being charismatic) and Brant Pitre when I bought his book. I don’t think the people are unfriendly, but they need some kind of spark.

Every time I read a post about declining parish life, I am so thankful for my parish, Holy Family in Steubenville OH.  We moved here recently when my husband got a job at Franciscan.  The Franciscan community was very welcoming, and it turned out that many of my husband’s co-workers were Holy Family parishioners.  I don’t know what we’d do without them.  In addition, I’m now part of a Moms & Tots group at our parish and plan on getting involved in another of our many ministries this month.  There are lots of young families here, too.  I can’t say enough how much I love this church!  As far as what Catholics can do to improve the situation, I’d say we all have to be willing to strike up a conversation with other people at Mass, or at least say a friendly word to them.  Start a small group.  The one way to ensure you have no friends is to never reach out.

Jeffrey:

“My very chatty parish is louder than a Starbucks most times before Mass starts.”

 
FWIW, this has always been a pet peeve of mine also, which makes me very glad that silence in the church both before and after Mass is expected in our parish—and if people get too noisy, the pastor will definitely let them know! We save our socializing for the courtyard and the parish center after Mass.
 
Judging from the response so far, I’ve definitely touched a nerve here. I’m glad to hear of parishes here and there with vibrant community life, but there’s a lot of dissatisfaction out there from Catholics in the trenches. It’s hard. I know it’s hard.

As our African pastor says, “A parish should have lots of sodalities.” I belong to two: a Catholic book club and the Legion of Mary. True, it’s hard to get people to join. But if someone wants to develop friendships, those are places to go.

MartttyWinston,

Legion of Mary, very cool. How does one get introduced to that organization if it is not in most surrounding parishes?

Also, I’ve wondered before if there are organizations that visit the sick and the dying and pray The Divine Chaplet of Mercy as a group. if so, how does one find out about such organizations that are looking for people to join. I have never heard very much about either of these 2 - maybe I’m just not looking hard enough.

One thing that seems to be missing from the comments of those who haven’t made friends is whether you have made an effort to get involved. You HAVE to get involved in a parish group to meet peopel and make friends. Pray about it and pick something you feel drawn to: bible study, a prayer group, cleaning the church, flowers, music. Start a group. Don’t expect the parish to do it for you. No one has the time. The pastor has to be more concerned with the sacraments and liturgies than with helping you make friends. That is just the reality of it. And keep in mind, that if God wants you to have friends, He will send you friends. Maybe parish life is a little lonely at times, because He wants it that way. Seriously, if we are attached to our social life, our friends, we tend to have less time for Him. If we depend on our friends, we don’t depend on Him. We need fewer attachments to this world, not more. My friends have certainly helped me grow in my faith but my faith and my faith journey doesn’t stop when we move and I have to start over. Jesus has to be your “super friend” and the minute you think that isn’t enough, is the minute you need to pray and ask Him to fill up that spot that feels empty. Believe me, I have been there done that several times. It is very hard but it is also a wonderful time to focus on what is lacking in me not what is lacking in the parish.

Ann at 5:59—I don’t disagree entirely with your comments, but I think what you may be missing a little bit is that while you seem to be accepting and comfortable with a bit of a “friend desert” and use that to turn toward Jesus, a lot of people aren’t and don’t.  Most people, rightly or wrongly, need a social circle and will find one no matter what—and as one of them, I want my social circle to be centered on my church and my faith life.  I think a lot of those people who spend exactly as much time weekly at church as is required for Mass and don’t know anyone there from Adam are spending the rest of their time in a secular world, with secular friends and their secular influence.  Maybe that works for some people, and it’s certainly an opportunity for evangelism, but for me and my family, that would be a problem.  I want my kids and my husband and me to have peers who understand, enrich, value, and lift up our faith.  And it’s not a human failing or a repudiation of a Christ-centered life for me to feel that way (not that you implied that, but others commenting seem to have).

Erika Evans, Allison, my heart goes out to you! When our baby was born, a total of one person out of our whole parish brought us a meal.  All of our family is thousands of miles away, and very few people have reached out to us as struggling new parents.

Steven, thank you so much for posting this. Our parish is like a zombie.  It functions in a half-dead sort of way and does (externally) everything it is supposed to do.  But the eyes are blank, dead, and lifeless.  There is no soul. 

After the birth of our baby, our pastor said NOTHING to us and made no effort to congratulate us or come and admire the newest member of his flock.  Finally we approached him and asked him for a blessing for our new baby.  He very perfunctorily complied and then politely indicated that the conversation was over by saying nothing more.  He did not ask the baby’s name, gender, age, or anything else.  Perhaps he said “Congratulations”, but I have no memory of it if he did.  I have never been so hurt or turned off by a priest in my life.  Needless to say, we took our son home to the parish we were married in to have him baptized by a priest who actually cared that he existed.

If I hadn’t been fortunate enough to be so well catechized and evangelized before moving to this town, I doubt I’d still be Catholic.  I know and love the One True Church, and no callous priest or parish in the world can change that, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel good.  I’m trying to do what I can to turn things around in my parish, but as a new mom it is very difficult to find the energy or time to commit to activities outside the home.  I guess I could offer up not getting any sleep for our pastor!

We’ve belonged to our parish for a year and a half (it’s not a huge parish - three Sunday Masses total).  I would be floored to find out that this priest even knows our names.  We made an effort to introduce ourselves to him when we joined the parish, and since that time the only words he has spoken to us have been “The Body of Christ.”  Ironic, no?

The cause of this problem is quite simple: the atomization of society, supported by ideology, then planned and carried out by governments, particularly successful in the USofA. The tools used are suburbs, automobiles, television, and most insidious of all: Democracy.

If you want to build a stronger parish life, work towards eliminating these things from society.

Patrick: Work toward eliminating automobiles, television and democracy? Any suggestions that DON’T involve magic genies or thermonuclear war?

Is it magical to walk, ride a bicycle, or bus/train to places, not watch the TeeVee, and not be involved in politics?

I’m not sure what is magical about developing a full community based on parish life. It’s been done for centuries and has even been done in the US. Driving 30 minutes to Mass or more is not the ideal for community building. If you want a parish social life, then it is best if people don’t have to go through a lot of trouble to build it.

Sure, it can’t be done everywhere (which calls into question the wisdom of living in such areas), but where it can… why shouldn’t it be? And why shouldn’t Catholics move to such areas? I moved 500 miles to do just this. Now I’m less than 3 miles from my parish which has a lively community based upon the Liturgy. It’s not magic. It’s just a rather non-modern-American idea.

Patrick:
 
When you have, say, six or seven kids, including small babies, then even if you live within a few miles of church, shopping, etc., walking or biking everywhere is not a real workable option. Particularly in winter. (Try bringing home groceries for a family of nine on a bicycle. And homeschooling.)
 
A horse-drawn wagon would be more workable, but unfortunately my town isn’t zoned for farm animals. I could live somewhere else, of course, if I were willing to leave my parish, which I’m not.
 
Not watching television is always an option, of course. So is not using the Internet, blogging or writing in blog comboxes, and yet here we are.
 
Not being involved in politics is an option—Jehovah’s Witnesses do it—but my Catechism tells me to vote, so I’m going with that.
 
And of course even if large numbers of Christians—tens or hundreds of thousands, or even more—began practicing what you’re preaching, the net impact on the mass use of automobiles and television would be limited, and the net impact on the practice of democracy would be nonexistent. In no event would the elimination of automobiles, television or democracy from society start to become a realistic or practical outcome.

Brian: I also am less than 3 miles from a parish with a lively community based upon the liturgy. I didn’t say that was magical. I said eliminating automobiles, television and democracy would require the intervention of (something like) magic (or thermonuclear war, etc.).
 
Everyone is called to be Catholic. Not everyone has the resources to move 500 miles. Heck, a lot of people today who’d like to move live in houses they can’t sell. And even if they did have the resources to move 500 miles, there aren’t enough places in the country such as you describe to accommodate all the Catholics. So it has to be possible to try to lead a Catholic life in other sorts of places too. God is calling at least some people to do it. Let’s try to have some compassion, and if possible some practical advice, for them.

“Try bringing home groceries for a family of nine on a bicycle.”

There are many non-magical ways to do this. Groceries are purchased and brought home without the use of personal autos every day. Of course they involve things like public transit, local stores/markets, and carts of various sorts to carry goods in. But that’s hardly magic. Unlikely in the US, sure…but then again so is the conversion of Russia, but that’s where Hope comes in.

<<When you have, say, six or seven kids, including small babies, then even if you live within a few miles of church, shopping, etc., walking or biking everywhere is not a real workable option.>>

Why not?

<<Try bringing home groceries for a family of nine on a bicycle. And homeschooling.>>

Are all nine children too young to ride a bicycle? I’m not sure what *home* schooling has to do with transportation.

<<A >>

No. A simple cart or three would be adequate. Something like this:

http://images03.olx.com/ui/1/11/72/9730972_3.jpg

<<Not watching television is always an option, of course. So is not using the Internet, blogging or writing in blog comboxes, and yet here we are.>>

Yes, the inconsistency isn’t lost on me.

<<my Catechism tells me to vote>>

Well, mine doesn’t; that being said, catechisms aren’t infallible, and traditionally people were not political. Politics creates discord in a parish (e.g., the pro-life bumper stickers on cars next to those with Obama-Biden stickers).

<<f large numbers of Christians—tens of thousands—began practicing what you’re preaching, the net impact on the mass use of automobiles and television would be negligible, and the net impact on the practice of democracy would be nonexistent.>>