“Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.”

That’s powerful.  My oldest is 10…but I can see the truth in this.  Raising our children so they can leave is doing it right, but it tugs at my heart in ways I do not, at times, understand.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for lifting up mothers of any number. I struggle being a mom to three kids. Then I struggle with the fact that I’m stuggling with “ONLY” three while others struggle with more. And then people tell me I am some sort of saint not just because I have more than one child but because one my children, my oldest, has special needs and yet, as some kind of triumph of spirit, I had two more. No, I wanted to be a mother, I prayed and asked God and, for now, this is what He gave me and just by numbers or ability it is not easier than what anyone else has. And I’m not ashamed to say that either…God Bless those nine beautiful children who are blessed to have you as their mother.

Very well said Simcha!  I read the other article and yours is different, and more poignant, and as always so beautifully said!  I was just on the phone with a new mom yesterday who could barely keep from crying and all night I was thinking about how much harder it was with one! (we have 6 now). I am going to forward your encouraging words to her right now!

Wow, this says it all. It’s hard to learn to give it all for someone else, no matter how much you love that little person. And when you add in a special needs child or two, there’s a whole universe more to learn about giving.  Thank you, Simcha.

What a beautiful piece! I will re-read the ending paragraphs over and over. Beautiful. Thank you. Ps. Read and loved the other article a couple of weeks ago and really I think they are different-different messages too.  The first seemed to be addressing the idea that it’s ok to not always feel rapturous about this mothering job as well as encouraging moms to encourage each other with honesty. Your article is reaching deeper, into why it can be so so hard and encouraging us in the simple dignity and purpose of this mothers work. God bless you and thank you!

I have tears streaming down my face. I have one baby and I’ve struggled so very much these past few months. Thank you for helping me to know that I’m not alone in my fears, feelings, and struggles—I feel like this article was written for me.

You are a wise and beautiful woman, Simcha. God bless you always.

“You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.  For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.” Oh, tears. This is a beautifully written piece. I love your perspective! I’ve got two toddlers at home and a baby on the way and I have days where I feel like I’m an old pro, and others when I am ashamed at my boredom with the monotony. Thank you for sharing and reminding me I’m not the only one.

What do you say to me, a mother of 4 babies that doesn’t get help? It’s hard, but it isn’t as hard as just one! They force you to see you can’t protect them from everything.

What a beautiful article.  I’m going to send it to my mother - I’m the 14th of 16 children.  Thanks - some of the truths stated here are timeless.  I often say, when speaking of vocations, “Life is useless and unhappy unless you give it away.”  It’s just so true that we have to die to produce much fruit.  God bless you, Simcha - your chilren really are blessed to have you as a mother!

I’m a stay-at-home dad of one right now and I am embarrassed to admit that I struggle everyday. In a world full of moms who stay at home, dads who do it are basically illegal aliens who cannot speak the language and who are looked at as weird. It is lonely, but I love my baby, and God’s grace is enough - just keep telling myself that over and over.

I love this and will share it.  I hate when people say that sentence you started with because I know one is so exponential a change, it shatters everything, because they have just exploded into your world and heart.  One is huge and that long hard growing into motherhood is a messy uneven journey that takes time.  Thanks!

As my tween would say, ‘Oh Wow’ (and i mean that with the greatest respect for your writing!).

Thank you, as always.

Just last night I was putting my little one to bed, listening to my husband struggle with our two year old, and crying, praying to God to help me put my children’s needs above my own, and help me reconcile that I may perhaps never be alone again.

Simcha, you are a treasure!

Powerfully compassionate.  Thank you.

So fantastic! I have six children and when people say the typical things (how do you do it, you must be so busy, blah, blah, blah) I just look at them and say, “are you kidding? One was so much harder!”.  You are right on the money!

When I used to babysit, I always noticed that families were a lot more fun to sit for once they had their third child. I would babysit for six kids instead of one any day!

I think your article was better than the other one, which was also quite good.

Thank you for writing this beautiful article, Simcha.

And “David”?  God bless you.

David - I hope you see this and wish I had some better way to contact you!.  You do not have to be alone.  Check out Daddyshome.org and look to see if there is an at home dad’s playgroup in your area.  If not, at least you you’ll have support online from other at home Dads.  My hubby has been at home since our 4yo was born and its been an incredible blessing but he wouldn’t enjoy it nearly as much without the other SAHDs he knows!

As a first time mom, after a long struggle with infertility, this post struck a chord for me.  Thank you.

Thank you, WSquared and Amy. I will take a look at that website. Just got the little one to go back to sleep for a bit, so I have a moment. God bless

I was a single mother, living with my own mom, with my first.  Reading this I am shocked at how much worrying I *didn’t* have to do; how all of the anguish over my terrible skills didn’t happen because I didn’t have time or energy to do it.  I taught high school full-time.  I worried about what to do about a very far-away, non-dependable Bio-dad.  I could still sometimes go out with friends. Most of all, my mother was totally committed to helping me.

I put off all of that terror and lonliness until I married and had a second child, when my first was not-yet three.  But then, my husband was out of work and we were home together for over a year.  It took until he found a job and I stopped working and stayed home with (now three) children that it all set in and I began to feel truly horrible….

Until reading this essay, I never reflected on the fact that the timing of that full blossoming of the nightmare of parenting coincided with the settling in on my own.  I ascribed it to various other things, but not that.

Thank you for this, Simcha!

I am a first time mom.  My daughter is almost 11 month old.  We both have a tummy virus and last night was so hard.  I woke up this morning and read this.  With no energy for emotional control I burst into tears.  Thank you for writing this.

Awesome Simcha!!!

@David: God Bless you for your sacrifice.  There is no shame whatsoever in admitting that it is very, *very* hard.  I agree with Simcha: being at home with 1 is, by far, the hardest.  There is so much that you don’t know when you’re a first-time parent—and no amount of reading and intellectualizing will prepare you for the struggles of parenting.  After all, life with the “human animal” is unpredictable, at best (even when it is mundane or monotonous).  I must say that after surviving the baby and toddler years of #1, I realized I should never have read all those well-meaning books and taken so seriously all that good-intentioned advice—*our* baby didn’t read the books; *our* baby was (is) an entirely different person than the babies of our friends and relatives.  But it takes time to gain such perspective.  Be gentle with yourself.  God gave you and your wife *your* baby because He knew you would be the best parents for that baby, and your child would be the best baby for you.
...
So sorry you are looked upon as “weird.”  While I am an 85% SAHM right now, it’s plausible that, in the near future, I will be at work full-time while my hubby is a SAHD.  I have nothing but the highest of respect for parents who are willing to be creative and different in order to do what they feel is best for their family.

This is a wonderfully written article—thank you!  I remember that first one as being fun rather than so hard, for me, it was when I added my second child that things became difficult.  With one, I could use the baby back-pack and be active and go places.  Two? oh that was so much more difficult!

“My husband didn’t know how to help me.  I didn’t know how to ask for help.  My husband had become a father, and I adored him for it.  My husband got to leave the house every day, and sleep every night.  He got to go to the bathroom alone.  I hated him for it.”

Thank you for this.  Just ... thank you.

Wonderful and spreading like fire on FB.  Knowing so many women “stuck” in this situation due to infertility or secondary infertility, I am filing this under “reasons to consider becoming a foster parent.”  My daughter would still be an only child without the blessing of adoption.

ok, I just teared up reading that.  My “only one child” will be here in about 6 weeks and this just summed up and reassured all my fears all at the same time.  Seeing the title and opening sentence I thought you were going to yell at me, but instead you gave me a big hug. Thank You! And give all those kids an extra hug tonight from me.

Lovely! I have the greatest respect for parenthood and the men and women who are making daily sacrifices for their children. God bless you all and Simcha, thank you for acknowledging their hard work! I have friends with 2 or 3 children who feel like they can never admit weakness or struggles, because secular acquaintances will ask, “Then why have so many kids?” and Catholic/Christian friends will censure, “But motherhood is a blessing!” I love how you balance the two, because in reality, beautiful lives are only that way because of the effort put into them.

This is beautiful and captures so well the difficulty of that first baby.  We have 3 kiddos and I do often think about how much easier my days are now.  (Just now the younger two are having snack and entertaining each other by putting empty bowls on their heads.  Fun to watch and fun to not have to be talking with them every moment.)

This article wasn’t about this but I have to add another cross my wife and I experience as parents of one (9 year old) girl. We are open to and dearly want more. However, there are medical issues and in wisdom of his which we don’t understand, God has chosen not to give us the gift of more. Even our only child was a “miracle” birth. We are exploring adoption now although we don’t know how we could possibly afford it. I can’t tell you the pain of being devoted catholics who are open to life and trying but realize it looks to other good catholics that we are not. My plea: if you see other parents with none or one child, don’t assume its because that’s what they really want.

This is so, so true. I have four children now and I look back to w hen I had one, and it was so much harder then. Not that life is all roses and champagne now, but it’s true that learning how to be a mom is so much harder than being a veteran in the trenches.

Well written and I thank you for it.  As an adoptive mother of one, the guilt trip I am on daily to do right by him while proving to others it is hard with just one is justified in this article.  I will remember it.

Eh… I care to differ on this article. I have six and while you might worry less with more children (you get used to things, so you don’t freak out), you do get LESS sleep and you have VERY LITTLE time for personal things (like going to the bathroom, taking a bath or even brushing your teeth). Never mind the things you’d like to do: read a book, take up knitting, ride a bike again on a beautiful isolated bike path, or even go to church and just sit in the quiet (without someone next to you, or on your lap, wiping their nose on your sleeve and pulling the prayer book apart). Yes, I love my children. I call the babies, “sugar” because they are so sweet!  But I admit, having a mini troop is quite a challenge and since I believe God ordained the size of my family, I have to ask for His help quite often. Please God, Please help me! Yes, I think I say that prayer several times a day (or at least at night when I’m trying to sneak into bed without waking up the 2 year old who won’t sleep in his own bed).

Worse, I constantly bemoan the fact that I don’t have time to do the things I KNOW are important, like teaching them the Faith better (I can already see my eldest starting to rebel against church and I DON’T like it at all!) and working with them individually on their homework assignments.  I luck out most of the time, because their dad helps but still. I’m the mom, I should be able to help.

I see friends or relatives who have ONE kid and they have all this free time to watch movies, go out with the girls, read several novels in a week and take nice long baths. I admit, I’m jealous. I wonder, where do they get all this time from? Don’t they have to take care of their child?  But you see, they have it real easy.  And given that God does not believe in artificial birth control (yes, He likes discipline and natural family planning based on celibacy every couple weeks), those couples with just one child are sorta cheating.  I’m avoiding the “sin” word since a lot of my one-child-friends, are not religious. God will judge them on what they do know about morals (or that is what I assume).

These same one-child-friends are not exhausted, seem to act clueless when I tell them how tired I am all the time. They just assume you can go to bed whenever you want.  The worst is when illness strikes the house. Forget taking care of yourself. You have to take care of the whole big gang before you get to take care of you. Hmm..

But as I said, it’s all good and I wouldn’t give up my family. I tell my relatives who balk. At least I’ll have big get-togethers on the holidays when I’m a grandma and lots and lots of grandkids.  Plus, maybe my children can support me. I have a whole army after all.

I’m joking :)

God has blessed us with one child.  Not “only one”.  Many people suffer from secondary infertility as we have lost many pregnancies and have many saints in heaven.  One is not hard, it is joyful and wonderful.  Whatever God gives you is the best number for you and for your children - remember that next time you look at someone with one, two or sixteen children.  God has a plan for every single parent, regardless of your situation (as David so beautifully is doing what is best for his family and their unique circumstanes.  Each one of us has a purpose - to mother one or many and to be a single child or one with one or multiple siblings.  It all has an effect on our purpose.  God bless every parent who welcomes the greatest gift of marriage into their family - and continues to welcome, regardless of the number - or who continues to try, regardless of the heartache.  God bless!

It is as if you were writing this just for me!  I have been having meltdowns all week with my one 18 month old and considering myself an epic failure of a mother.  Thank you, thank you.

This is probably the most beautiful essay about motherhood I’ve ever read. I love the image of a balloon slipping past and away. Thank you for this!

I’m sorry but I think your article is rather offensive and egotistical. Am I suppose to read this and feel wonderful that I don’t have 9 kids? I feel like you are trying to make yourself feel better that you are surrounded by 8.5 children- who apparently you are completely fine with being your minions? It’s so kind of you to bless all of us mother’s with 1 - but really I think you are just reaching out for help… I mean- am I wrong here?

This is awesome. A “charade of work” - so, so true.  And then…they’re gone.  It’s over.  What’s left isn’t how well you served them, but how serving them changed you.

I get the “How do you do it?” comment a lot with “just” four kids. I agree that it’s far easier now, though I struggled more with two. I like to say (and truly believe it!): “Well, however many or few you have, it’s still the most you’ve ever had!” Hard is a relative concept, but no less valid per person. I think motherhood is hard. I thought so with 1, 2, 3 & 4- but it’s not about the kids so much as it is about me struggling to grow and give cheerfully.

My mother used to say, “There are only 24 hours in a day and you only have so much money and patience.  So if you have one child that child will use up all 24 hours, all your money, and get on your last nerve. So it doesn’t really matter if you have 1 kid or 6.” I didn’t really know what she meant until I was facing the absolute terror of having my second baby.  My first was a real handful and I had no idea at all how I was ever going to deal with two kids.  I was afraid to go home from the hospital.  But the odd thing was I realized after a while that an extra did not double the workload or the stress because I was already at maximum level anyway. I also discovered after children 3 through 6 that for the children it worked out better because they could take turns getting on Mom’s last nerve leaving the rest of them free to play and perhaps get a chore or two done.  The life of an only child isn’t easy either. Breaking in a Mom and Dad is hard work.  Only a few children are really up to the challenge. You can consider yourself well and truly blessed if God has gifted you with one of these special few.

@Bgorbie

Yes, you’re wrong.

Bgorbie - I disagree and no need to be hostile toward Simcha.  Many people do selfishly choose to have one child and prevent additions so they can take more vacations or send their kids to “the best schools”, etc.  However, I don’t think secondary infertility was taken into consideration in the writing of the article, which does make it come across as hurtful to those of us who cannot have multiples (to me anyway).  Simcha is a beautiful mother and I am grateful she takes the time to share and generate these conversations - we can all learn from each other and there are charitable ways to express our disagreement.

Bgorbie,

Yes, I think you are wrong.  Sorry to be so blunt.  If you take some time to read Simcha’s other writings I think you will get a sense of who she is as a person and how that is relayed in her writing style.  I think the point of her post is that there is a lot of adjustment going from none to one (and I’ve heard from one to two and so on, but I wouldn’t know since I only have one at the moment).  I think everyone who has ever had a child can agree it is a HUGE adjustment on all levels.  Change is hard, especially one that takes you from having to onlu be worried about yourself to one that makes you responsible for a living human being 24/7.  I would suspect the more kids you have the more you just get use to it and the more helping hands you have around to help in the form of older siblings.  Which is not being a minions that is just a part of family life.  I had chores at home growing up, didn’t you?  The post is affirming mothers and fathers who sometimes feel frustrated in the day to day difficulties of parenting and letting them know that it’s OK to feel like this is tough.  Because it is!  That is hardly offensive or egotistical.

God bless!

Also, my apologies for my poor grammar.  I’m not wearing my glasses!  :)

God has blessed us with one child.  Not “only one”.  One is not hard, it is joyful.  We have lost many pregnancies.  Whatever God gives you is the best number for you and for your children - remember that next time you look at someone with one, two or sixteen children.  Each one of us has a purpose - to parent one or many and to be a single child or one with one or multiple siblings.  It all has an effect on God’s purpose for us. God bless every parent who welcomes the greatest gift of marriage into their lives - and continues to welcome, regardless of the number - or who continues to try, regardless of the heartache.  God bless.

Simcha- You’re posts are always pretty great and something I look forward to reading.  But this one was exceptionally wonderful!

Bgorbie-  I think you’re reading a bit to much into this.  Do you think that it’s a bad thing for children to learn about hard work and responsibility (and can you really call being expected to help at home and do small things “hard work”).  When did helping out become some horrible thing?

Thank you for writing this and giving a voice to those of us with only one. I am struggling with secondary infertility and I am so sick of being told I have it so easy with only one. I desperately want more children and it’s just not happening. I really needed to read this today.

How do I really feel?  You young’ens younger than 40 do not NOT NOT KNOW US AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO judge ANYONE OUR AGE. 

Most of us are women with Male IF issues.  We wanted kids but we had MC’s.  Too many of you EVERY Jan22 LOOK DOWN ON US AND IT IS IMMORAL AT BEST TO DO SO.  If you want more kids and love Down’s kids,  then why are you NOT ADOPTING?  We older folks know your marriages are not perfect, ours are not either.  We fight with each other too, but we get back up again and move on past the superficial houses and paying off Suburbans.  We think most of you live in EXCESS AND BOAST ABOUT HOW SUPER DUPPER Catholic you are.  Sorry but you are not.  We laugh at you because before you did your marital deed,  you didn’t think ahead.  Just because you are open to life and your repo cells work doesn’t mean that the rest of you thought or think about what you do. 

People with IF issues like us who have gone without kids for 14 years and not whined about it like you all when you can’t get PG after only 1 to 2 years think that most MOST OF YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND BURN YOUR BABY ON BOARD SIGNS YOUR OVER IDEALISTIC OVER PROTECTIVE CELL PHONE PARENTS WHO PAID FOR everything put on their cars. 

It needs to get better. Some of us cannot have kids.  Yet people judge. IT IS AWFUL.  WATCH WHAT YOU SAY THIS JAN 22.  DON’T PATRONIZE AND GIVE PLATITTUDES.  LISTEN.  THAT HELPS more.  Most don’t. 

Get the point and take it to prayer.  Simcha I hope you are smarter than another blogsite and allow for the freedom of information better than most,  if you do and you come to my parish in Tampa = free lunch.  OK? 

Just need to vent the truth and if it hurts,  I know the editor, he is on my FB account.

KT - I’m going to pray for you.  Do not forgot that God has a very wonderful plan for your family - you are all His beloved!  It’s amazing to realize that your single child may be part of His amazing plan for you - or He may have something in store for you down the line.  We desperately want more too, but will not go against the Church teachings and do IVF or artificial insemination.  God does not need our help to give us these gifts.  They are a gift and not a right and not to be “obtained” at any price - including ignoring Church teaching.  God bless.

I’m an American who married a Frenchman and instantly got three French step-kids into the bargain. Four years later, still living in France, it has gotten easier since the oldest two are off at college and live in their own little apartments. But we still have the youngest, now 10. I’m a writer, so I work, but in the home, so guess who has become the French Goddess of the house? Sometimes, as much as I love my husband and my step-kids, I am now 50 (we met later in life) and I have to say, sometimes I really DO resent having gone from only having to take care of and clean up after myself, to now having to do it for anywhere from 2 to 5 people depending on the day of the week. (And there used to be a psychotic cat as well, but she went to live with a lovely new family.)

So when you wrote: “All these things, the dishes, the diapers, the spills—they must be taken care of, but they don’t matter. They aren’t who I am.”—that really spoke to me. Because I have that “Geez, is THIS who I have become?” thought all the time.

Just wanted to say “Merci”.

I’m gonna agree with @Bgorbie here. This article is arrogant and patronizing. Surprised I read the whole thing, actually.

Oh, God bless you. And bless you. And bless you yet again! When I read the title of this piece I selfishly thought “Oh, here we go: the ‘you’ve got it easy’ post,” which always gets me up-in-arms.

Thank you for encouraging ALL mothers, no matter the number of children under their wings. I personally would love and am open to more children, but it’s just not happening, so when I even think someone’s going to talk about how simple my life is, I start to cringe. This piece was a blessing, and pure delight.

Thank you, sista!

“Hard” being a very, very relevant term. There’s a whole subculture of people dealing with children with very complex special needs (like autism + mental illness + a whole list of other issues all in one child’s being)  along with their siblings scuttled needs, enduring judgment and scorn, battling “systems” that really aren’t there , struggling to implement therapy after therapy attempt every single day and just wishing for ONE day to complain about shuttling a healthy child to ballet or worrying about sniffles or the nicety of manners as a Major Issue, or to enjoy ONE “normal” day of bathing and feeding “routine” without drama that would make an uninitiated family drop their jaws to the floor.
I understand where you’re coming from, but it has to be said that “hard” is a very relative term. We need to validate that things aren’t always “easy” , lift each other up with encouragement, not judge each other by what we think we know of someone’s experience (usually based on our very limited own experiences and a lot of assumption), and so forth,  no matter what road we’re on…  but not to the point of creating a fantasyland of self-congratulatory martyrs, which is, unfortunately, what I too often see now. 
And that’s only taking the first world into account, of course. Even with all of the chaos and struggle in my family and parenting, when I deal with stomach bugs I do so with the blessing of indoor plumbing and washing machines, soft pillows and tylenol. I’ve never once worried that my children will starve to death. And so on.
Parenting in any circumstance, location, state or numbers is a challenge, but let’s not go overboard.

I’m bawling sitting here reading this! As my one little daughter plays on the floor and I think “this isn’t supposed to be so hard!”  Thank you so much for this.

Larry said:  “My plea: if you see other parents with none or one child, don’t assume its because that’s what they really want.”

Our son is 11.  We long ago had to give up hoping for the second.  I appreciate Simcha’s compassion. I also know I want my son to grow up with 12 like I did.  God had other plans and sometimes the answer to a prayer is “no”.

For those with many children, let those of us with few help you and enjoy your abundant blessings!

Anonymous - “One is not hard, it is joyful.”  I think it can be both at the same time.  I have two babies in Heaven and one here on earth.  My baby here on Heaven is definitely giving us a run for our money and there are days I plead with his siblings in Heaven to give us both a little bit of saintly sanity.  :)  He is an 18 month only bundle of energy and I love him with every bit of my being but that does not mean that there are not days when I get frustrated or lose patience or just don’t know what to do with him or myself.  It is hard.  In the big picture, yes, I know that this is joyful.  It is finding the joy in the day to day that is the challenge and we are all on different points on that journey.  Posts like this help remind us that it is OK to feel like parenting has challenges or difficult sometimes.  It helps keep our sanity.  If you feel like parenting is suppose to be all joyful all the time but you don’t always feel that way you can go crazy!  And I mean seriously crazy.  All the saints had their moments of trial and weakness so I think we sinners here on earth can be expected to feel like things are hard every now and again.  :)

Our youngest child is 21, our oldest of five 32.  28 years ago I quit being a part time nurse and mom and became a full time mom who often wished she was still a part time nurse.  I finally got used to the “new” full time me and learned to love it, most of the time. 

11 years ago my husband was laid off at age 51.  I was hurled into professional refresher courses and full time employment while trying to continue homeschooling and keep the household going while he struggled to find work.  Six months later my husband moved 150 miles away for a job at a company that collapsed after 9/11.  He went back to school in hopes of improving his job options and the kids and I moved to the new town a year to the month after my husband did.  Nobody could sell a house in the town that had been our home since 1975 because the company he’d worked for for 26 years was the major employer and continued to lay off and people were terrified to buy a house. We squeezed six of us into a little 2 room apartment after leaving our big 4 bedroom, 3 1/2 bath house with a large yard and umpteen pets that God had blessed us with.  Our oldest daughter had gotten married by then, interestingly enough to a guy who’d lived part of his life in our new town and moved them here too.  The priest who’d married us in 1979 happened to be the pastor here and we were so grateful to have his familiar face and friendliness, his excellent spiritual guidance and his love. Another blessing.  And I got a job and the bills got paid, mostly, but it was a shock to lose 3/4 of our income because I don’t make anything like what my husband did.  It’s been a terrible struggle to make peace with this change, but most of all to have being a full time mother torn away from me at a time when my younger children were so in need of me. 

I’ve read that a child’s character is determined by the time he is 6.  I don’t know, but I think we did a pretty good job there.  But ten, 12 and 14 year olds really need a full time mother and I can tell what the lack of one has done to them and I’m still sad about that.

I’ve resigned myself to my life now and have given up trying to explain to people that no, my profession is not nursing it’s being a wife and mother.  Nursing is how we pay the bills, and generally I like it but it is not who I am.  We have been blessed with a “needs a lot of work but we’ve learned to love it” four bedroom 1940 rental house with landlords who don’t do a lot that’s constructive but also let us have pets, paint the walls whatever color we want and put raised bed gardens all over the front and side yards because the the only thing that thrives in the sandy ground are my husband’s hen and chicks.

The baby has moved from here in far northern Idaho to far northern California and we miss her badly but my husband and I are learning that it’s nice to have energy to devote to each other after having most of it going to raising children of one age or another for more than half our married life.  And we have four of our five grandchildren close by which is wonderful, not just because we can send them back to their parents after they’re here for a while but because we really do like having them here. 

Our 23 year old still lives at home because car payments and rent payments are mutually exclusive at her income level.  I’m a mother of one again and I worry. Am I doing everything I can to help her reach her full potential? Are the friends she’s spending time with ok people?  I don’t konw them very well and I have to trust her judgement. Instead of worrying that she’ll fall and break her arm I worry that she’ll drive after drinking and break a lot more.  I lecture sometimes about things she should be doing and doesn’t or shouldn’t do and does.  I try to encourage her to start going to church again instead of badgering her about not going, and take some comfort in the fact that she still does believe in God and hasn’t become an atheist like one of her older sisters or an agnostic like the other.  I find I’m at as much of a loss as a mother of this kind of one child as I was of the infant kind, but most days I think I do all right. 

Sometimes my 29 year old daughter calls me because she’s the mother of one and wants wisdom from her mom and I remember what it was like to be her. I tell her that I hope God blesses them with more babies (she’s the atheist and I never miss a chance to say God in a conversation with her) and if He does it will get better.  I don’t think she’d believe me if she was our youngest child instead of our second oldest, because she knows it’s true.

Absolutely beautiful!

Thank you! Your words are music to my tired ears! Thank you for writing these beautiful thoughts for all us who are in need of them!

Oh. I am sitting here in hall duty at the hs where I teach, trying to hold back tears. This is exquisite. This is one of the most beautiful pieces of writing. I have “just” two children - that is all we were blessed with plus two in heaven. I had such a very very hard time with the first. he had a serious medical condition and I remember spending all my time breastfeeding, and running him to myriad doctor’s appts. in the first few months. Frankly, in many ways it was awful. And he was so so so placid and beautiful (still is at 15!)

Anyway, I grew to love mothering so much that I ended up going back to fulltime paid work - as a special education teacher. Now, when I once wished for four or more children to raise, I have 30 or so children a year to nurture and mother and guide. I love it.

How do I really feel?  You young’ens younger than 40 do not NOT NOT KNOW US AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO judge ANYONE OUR AGE. 

Most of us are women with Male IF issues.  We wanted kids but we had MC’s.  Too many of you EVERY Jan22 LOOK DOWN ON US AND IT IS IMMORAL AT BEST TO DO SO.  If you want more kids and love Down’s kids,  then why are you NOT ADOPTING?  We older folks know your marriages are not perfect, ours are not either.  We fight with each other too, but we get back up again and move on past the superficial houses and paying off Suburbans.  We think most of you live in EXCESS AND BOAST ABOUT HOW SUPER DUPPER Catholic you are.  Sorry but you are not.  We laugh at you because before you did your marital deed,  you didn’t think ahead.  Just because you are open to life and your repo cells work doesn’t mean that the rest of you thought or think about what you do. 

People with IF issues like us who have gone without kids for 14 years and not whined about it like you all when you can’t get PG after only 1 to 2 years think that most MOST OF YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND BURN YOUR BABY ON BOARD SIGNS YOUR OVER IDEALISTIC OVER PROTECTIVE CELL PHONE PARENTS WHO PAID FOR everything put on their cars. 

Get the point and take it to prayer.  Simcha I hope you are smarter than another blogsite and allow for the freedom of information better than most,  if you do and you come to my parish in Tampa = free lunch.  OK? 

Just need to vent the truth.

Oh my dear, dear, soul sister in the God-trenches.  Sing it! ( I hope you were never a victim of the Dr. Spock books that I was given when I was pregnant with my first, at 21.)  I had never really held a baby until I had one.  God is so good.  It hurts when he carves, but it feels so wonderful once the dead weight is gone.

This article completely touched me. I’m a single mom to 5, and as of lately I’ve been having a *very* hard time with it. Two of my kids have two different types of disorders ( bipolar and ADHD/bipolar) and I myself am bipolar. We live with my parents, thank the good Lord, because if we didn’t I don’t know what I would do. When I think back to having just my daughter, I realize how much harder it really was. I was only 18 at the time, all alone. Now that I have the 5 of them, yes it’s always hectic, yes there’s always laundry and homework and dishes and something going on. But I would rather have my 5 than just 1 any day of the week! Thank you for this piece, it made me realize just how lucky I really am.

Absolutely beautiful! What a gift you have for words and gentleness. Every mother can find herself here.

And it also reminds me of the days before I became a mother. My life was good and full and challenging and packed to the gills even before children entered the picture. So when parents roll their eyes at non-parents and say, “You don’t know what busy means,” I think, “No. You do.” Life always expands to fill the time and space we have - God’s call works like that. But it is through time and learning and failure and grace that we open ourselves up to what it may also become, in God’s good time.

I get the symbolism and depth in what you’re writing, I do, but my GOD this is so depressing!  I still want a nanny.  I’m Catholic and I’ll admit it.  I want to live in a large cosmopolitan city and have a nanny.  Yes, I want as big a family as I can have.  But I don’t want to be permanently mired in the middle class doing the work maids used to do before we had welfare!  I’ve seen how tired Catholic women look.  I come from the vantage point of having spent considerable time during my formative years in developing nations where the middle class and the rich have nannies and maids. In some ways, your quality of life is worse than many of those maids!  I feel like a lot of my friends would look at you and say “Silly American.  Thinks its virtuous to run herself ragged!”

@Moms who suffer with fertility issues.  A few months and blog posts ago, a Mom named Claire from the northeast said the most beautiful thing that struck a deep cord in me.  We were comiserating about the pain of our miscarriages, (and our babies in heaven!) She said something along the lines of “Yes, but if I hadn’t had those miscarriages, I wouldn’t have adopted my son, who is the light of my life.”  How transcendent it is when it ceases to be about DNA, and is distilled simply to *love*.

Beautiful!  Love this line “because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.  For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.”

I’m not a mother, what with being a twenty-something single gal and all, but you still made me teary-eyed! Beautiful.

@Beth, I’ve seen both sides too, here and in upper crust South America.  When I was young and going to school in Quito, I wanted a household full of servants to do my bidding.  I loved having a girl come to my house to do all my nails for $5.  I marveled that there was a human being that took the place of a motor for the front gate. For gosh sakes, the maid would iron even my underwear! I cringed over how many “charity fashion shows” I was invited to.  So many of those women are haughty and have a “queen of the manor” attitude.  Yes, I’m SURE Moms from the U.S. have it harder but I’m so glad that the love of my sweet little baby, kicked my spoiled-girl a$$.  Otherwise I probably would have settled in quite nicely with being waited on hand and foot.

Beautiful.  Simply.  Beautiful.

“Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.”

Honestly, Simcha, that brought me to tears (and inspired me to write about becoming that very woman as my older daughter reaches the “young woman” stage of life).

Thanks so much.

Your article was an interesting read however I do not agree with most of it. yes, i am a good person. a practicing catholic and a mother of one child. i don’t see being a mother of one child hard maybe that is because I was never as selfish as you say you are. You say you were, not I calling you that.  The moment my daughter was born I no longer cared about myself more than my own daughter- I never had to learn that because it was automatic.  Actually in loving God, I never put myself first.  If you are truly living the life as a person who believes in God, it was never your right to love yourself more than God in the first place. Maybe that is where you needed more faith in your first years as a mom?  It is easier to say that you believe in God more than it is to actually practice the true intent of His will.  Not judging but just saying that maybe that is why it was hard for you.  As a one child mom I do not allow the entire world to revolve around my child, my husband and I never forgot that when we had our daughter.  We still have lives and we are still interesting and we love our daughter with every bit of our hearts.  Our daughter lives in our world, and it a great place for all of us, so it is not hard but a joy.  It seems like your experience was hard, and now you have tons more kids to the raising and chores that you never had with your only child.  I am not sure whether to feel sorry for you or for your first child that seemed to have a mom that was too caught up in her pity to realize what a gift she had to stay home with a child you bore.  Also it is my friends with multiple children that seem so stressed out all the time, I think whether you have one child or 10, if you don’t have the true meaning of God’s gift to you in mind, you will always be miserable.  Nice try but you are not valid but too rightness for your own good.  Good Luck!

I wonder if this struggle with a first and only child is one reason the Virgin Mary is so laudable. She was to parent the Savior of the world with no previous mothering experience. Jesus was not a third child that she could (like me) realize, “Oh, THAT’s what I was messing up with my first two babies’ sleep. I’ll do better this time!”  And as Simcha has beautifully written, she embraced motherhood only to have it taken from her.  When Jesus died, her motherhood was stripped from her.  When He was gone, she had no other. And then—God gave her the honor of mothering St John, and then the whole world…isn’t it truly beautiful how God honored her embracing and suffering through motherhood to grant her such a role?

Thanks for this awesome encouragement.

Arrogant and patronizing, to say the least. I resent the implication that when a mother of one attempts to be sympathetic, she is actually just in the dark about how unfulfilling and unvirtuous, and boring her own life really is. I personally have a number of interests that don’t all center around being a mother, though I do enjoy sharing many of them with my daughter. I resent the implication that because YOU had a really hard time with your first child, that all mothers of single children must still be having an equally hard time. We all gain experience, insight, and perspective, and become better mothers as time goes on, regardless of how many we pop out. Everyone has different reasons for having the precise number of children they have, including but not limited to personal choice, fertility, marital status and finances, and after reading several of your blog entries I feel compelled to point out that, while you may indeed at times be the subject of criticism or the recipient of annoying comments, you seem quick to damn anyone who HASN’T followed the path you’ve chosen. I realize that the point of most blogs is essentially to make oneself feel superior by using one’s snarky humor to point out the myriad defects exhibited by the rest of humanity, but coming from someone whose soapbox is decidedly religious, I wonder at the lack of humility, compassion and understanding. Judge not lest ye be judged and all that.

beautifully written!

I am tearing up right now after reading this! Thank you so much. I am a new mom at 36 yrs.old and my daughter is only 8 months old. I keep thinking there is something wrong with me as I seem to enjoy being a mom like everyone says I should. I love my daughter to pieces but all the “baggage” that she came with (sleepless nights—still sometimes, the worries, the crying, the diapers (although it was my husband’s idea to use cloth so he picks up most of the slack here!), and when I was home on leave, the counting the hours until he came home). I work full time outside the home and I still sometimes find myself missing the downtime I used to have when I got home; now, it’s an immediate breastfeeding session every day! And, to go along with some of what you said—I feel guilty that I enjoy now going to work to get a break! So, again, thank you for making me feel normal about not having all the warm fuzzies that everyone seemed to tell me I would have! I feel like I can breathe a little easier now.

Amen, Simcha.

Wonderful story! Thank-you! I have 7 biological children (despite infertility issuesat we were able to conceive without medical assistance). We have fostered 14 children and fostered 4 (all special needs) at a time for 5 years so we had 11 for quite some time! When other moms with see me with my children (which ever number I had with me) they would say I was a “saint” or I deserved a medal. I told them it gets easier & that the hardest was my first baby, very similar to your sentiments! Many will ask, “Are they all yours?” and one of the kids will respond that no, there are more they just aren’t with us at the moment!

Lovely!

People with nine kids should be more cognizant of the environmental impacts-the selfishness in overpopulating a world that can no longer sustain so much life.(If you didn’t know back then, you know now.) I’m sure your children are beautiful, gentle, and kind. But don’t glorify birthing nine children. Glorify birth control. God invented it, after all.

Simcha,

Thank you!!  I gave birth to my first one month ago yesterday and have been struggling.  As the third of eight kids, that struggle has been compounded by the guilt of, “Well, my mom did all this with eight.  Why am I struggling so much with one?” And then there’s all the other big families I know from church, some of whom have 12 kids whose mothers are seemingly in complete control.  Your article helped me a lot.  It’s hard but I’ll get it and will eventually get it with more kids as, God willing, our family grows and expands over the years.

Oh- this, this is exactly it.  Expecting *just* my 5th- but it is sheer delight- to wash that chubby hand or give the sweet hair a rinse (when years ago how I detested, dreaded, avoided bath time).  Re-reading Winnie the Pooh- to hear the olders reminisce as they eavesdrop and to expose the youngers. What a blessing.  Thank you for writing what my heart feels.

And, you know, my2cents, I might would have thought similarly to you.  I spent some time in denial about how hard it should or shouldn’t feel. 

There’s a lot of grace in between the lines-

This article spoke to me on a very deep and personal level, and I am sending it to a few friends, who I know will have the same response. Thank you so much for writing it! I’ve found that the most honest stories are the ones that speak the most, and you’ve blessed us all with your honesty! Thank you so much!!

Wow!  Loved this!

maybe I am misunderstanding the writer’s intent but it is almost as if she was saying “have more kids and you won’t get bored! oh! and you’ll also get plenty of help!”... and anyway, I hope she realizes one does not need 9 children to come to the realization that children grow and you should enjoy those early times… one only needs time. But most of all I hope she realizes that if her problem is boredom and stress, then she can opt for a job and daycare, which is indeed an option, a smarter and more sustainable one than just having more babies so that you can feel like a more accomplished and experienced mother with the following kids and so that you can enjoy those early times with more awareness! I mean… how she felt about her first kid is not going to change in retrospect, right? I think she’s a little self-centered about the problem…

I’m reading comments about birth control, infertility, selfishness, etc.  As a woman who was single until my late thirties, I can say without reserve, being able to care for other people’s children, hug them, spoil them, kiss them, love them, kept me grounded and hoping for my own.  God Only Gave Me One!  By the time we knew there would be no more, we couldn’t adopt because of our age.  As one of 12, I’m a shocking under-achiever. 

Simcha, you note how hard the first is, but you in your abundance, expect there will be more.  I ask every commenter here to understand, that is not what she is talking about.  Some of us are only given one.  What you, Simcha, seem to be saying is, it gets easier after the first, if you can have them.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I pray, I pray, I pray, but the answer is still no. 

For those of you who can, my advice is, have as many as God will give you.  The world must be peopled.  Go forth and multiply.  And let us babysit.

Susan at 3:15 gets it.  I get it.  I didn’t realize that maybe this piece could only be understood by women who have had similar experiences, but from the comments it seems to be the case.  Or at least, some commenters don’t seem to realize the point of the article: we’re all still learning.

It is exactly because there are women out there who DON’T get it that this piece was really needed.  Again, the proof is in the comments: it’s not just the struggling-mothers-of-one who need to read this, but the mothers who don’t realize that they may be participating in the struggle of those struggling-mothers-of-one.

To those who have ever caught themselves thinking (and may have said or written these things at any time): “can’t she be grateful for just one?” or “doesn’t she know that women in other parts of the world have it harder” or ” you call this ‘hard’? you should see ‘hard’...let me tell you a thing or two about hard.”  Please try to stop. 

If you find it natural or easy to be grateful with what you have, then give thanks because that was a grace; you didn’t earn it.
If you are tempted to compare yourself to others and compare them to even others, try to break the habit.
If your burden feels heavy to you, ask for the grace to be compassionate to others who are also tripping and falling their way through some difficulty.

To Simcha, who stumbled along and stumbles still, you are giving a lot of women hope and encouragement.  Wish I’d read this years ago.

@ my2cents Perhaps, if you had actually read what she wrote at the top of the article, “Wow, you have nine kids?  I thought it was hard with just my one!” you would have realized that she was speaking to women who are saying that they are finding it hard with one and merely pointing out that she had found one child difficult also and why.  Odd that this acknowledgement of common ground would put you so on the the defensive.  Perhaps, if you removed the giant chip from your shoulder, you would find you have the energy to start your own blog where you could feel superior and snarkily point out everyone else’s defects to your heart’s content.  However, like you, I am not judging, lest I be judged, merely pointing you in the direction of your error in reading comprehension.

” the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.”
“only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman that will be left.” I am not yet a mother and though my heart yearns to add that title to my resume, I dread the truth of those words. In the same fraction of a second, I long to know that suffering, for it will mean my life has been blessed beyond description.

I was raised in Germany ‘till age 7. My father was an American soldier when he married my mom.
I’ve done much reading of historical women. Many had Many children and raised them as good Christians.
Many Saints are/were part of a large family. Are women of today less in some way; can we not do as they did? Love finds a way;
If having your own is not an option, adopt American children. Spend some time writing to Congress to ge the Adoption Laws changed. Right now those laws are draconian. Every child Can be a wanted child if those laws were changed. March for Life-1/23/12.

Larry said:  “My plea: if you see other parents with none or one child, don’t assume its because that’s what they really want.”

Thank you. My husband and I have been waiting for nearly 8 years for that first child to arrive. We have accepted that it may never happen; yet posters such as Kaylan are accusing us with small families of “cheating.” Rash judgement is also a sin, folks.

And one last thing to moms of many children, like Simcha:

If we who have one or few invite you to dinner or a playdate, we know how many you have.  We may be inviting you because of that.  Don’t apologize.  Come on over and have some fun!  We might just enjoy living vicariously through your clan!

Its easy to lose patience with people who ask those typical questions about large families, but remember to put a smile on your face and answer with joy. Our responses will be the way our first impressions are made. And as a little reminder that someone once pointed out to me…“Jesus was an only child too.”

Very well written! I totally appreciate articles like this. Being a mom of one, and one only, I oftentimes have a lot of moments where I just feel like it’s so hard, yet a lot of my friends have three, so I almost feel like I have no room to complain. Great article.

Love love love this article!!!  So beautifully said!  I am pregnant with number 8 and I have so many moms (and dads) say ‘oh, I could never handle that many!  That’s why I stopped at one! (or two!)’. I have told every single one of them that they have it harder than I do… 1 and 2 were the hardest for me, as I adjusted to become a mama.  I am totally reporting this… Thank you, Simcha!  ;)

Oh Simcha, thank you for writing this. I have needed so much to hear another mother say this. Beautifully written.

I JUST thought about this this morning, as I stood in my quiet kitchen looking out my quiet window watching the quiet snow fall.  “I could have never done this with only one.  Or even two.”  Having a house full of kids and a heart full of confidence and a head full of knowledge is an incredible blessing.

Susan M. Perhaps you should look up the word sympathetic, which I used because I comprehended the sentence you quote, just fine. All mothers experience some level of difficulty-and often bond with each other by discussing it. It is the author’s defensive response that offends me. She is essentially saying, “Don’t pity me, I am better than you.”

I get what you’re trying to say here, but it’s really TIME SPENT being a mother NOT the number of kiddos you have that helps you to gain confidence and feelings of fulfillment.  As a mother of only 1 for 13 years now, I speak from experience and feel that you completely neglected this important fact.

Wow! This says it all! As a mother of three who just sent my second child off to college, this piece really hit home. Letting them go has been hard, but there is comfort in the knowledge that I have help guide them in the right direction. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone.

And then there were the mothers that allowed me to worship at their feet because they had six, all behaving like saints in a row at mass, while my ONE was running up and down aisles and diving under pews.  My father would nudge me, and hiss “Look at the ____ family, take him outside and spank him!”. I’m still a little mad at those smug mothers!  Thank you for NOT being that way Simcha! I made it my mission to *demystify* the *perfect* mother myth promoted by some, that had crippled my sense of adequacy.  As my family grew, what was written about so artfully in this piece, unfolded before me like a *revelation*.  It does get better.  Kids DO adhere to a good “group” mentality.  They CAN all sit together at a restaurant and be *excellent* company.  But that is so small compared to the vast panorama of truth and beauty that Simcha alludes to.  They are SUCH a blessing.  They open a door in our hearts to a kind of happiness that was simply unfathomable at the beginning of the journey when our self love was deeply insulted.  Love multiplies, it doesn’t divide.

I love this comment you made…...
“Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.”

I think that sentence really sums up what a good mother is all about…thanks for a wonderful read today…I totally agree..now that I am a grandmother, it was all so worth it….
Mona

Thank you.  Just thank you.  You have no idea how much this means to me today.

Holy cow! I can’t believe the comments I’m reading. This post was meant as a witness that motherhood is hard. It’s hard when you have one, and then if you have more. Why? Because motherhood is first an exercise in selflessness that you have never before experienced and then a letting go that feels unnatural.

I realize everyone comes at this with their own emotional baggage, but maybe try to read something in the spirit it is meant before freaking out in the combox.

Thank you for this, Simcha.

RE hostile comments: I understand the need to vent, though it seems that some are confusing Simcha’s apparently honest compassion with being patronizing. You may not need it, but others may.

Katie - I hope that perhaps one day soon you will re-read the comment you wrote and reflect on why you thought it necessary to write a long comment about how much better than Simcha you are in every possible way and how you, up on your high horse, feel “sorry” for her.  And then think to yourself, “what would Jesus have posted?” Surely nothing so vain, prideful, and patronizing. Wishing you the clarity of vision to recognize your own flaws as readily as you think you see those in others. Sincerely, a flawed but loving mother, just like you and Simcha.

I agree with @my2cents - I too find this arrogant and patronizing. I’m a mother of one and I do NOT feel the things this article talks about. I have deliberately chosen to have only one child, but not because I’m “settling” into motherhood, but because I can see my one child has huge emotional needs, needs to be with mother, and bringing another child into the home would damage her, devastate her, and scar her for life. I’ve seen it happen time and time again when the first one has to “deal” with the second one coming along - it completely devastates them. So yes, it may be easier with more than one. Why? Because you simply ignore your children’s emotional needs then (because you don’t have time for them). Too may people in this world have grown up with all kinds of issues because their parents didn’t have time for them. I personally feel THE most selfless thing a mother can do is have ONLY ONE to honor the one she has, fully give to the one she has. Having more is truly selfish in my opinion.

RE: My2Cents - “She’s essentially saying, “Don’t pity me, I am better than you.””    No, She’s saying, “Don’t pity me, I’ve BEEN there… and thankfully, it got easier.”

It’s not the “words” in the article that are condescending, it’s the “tone” - it’s completely smug and arrogant, and absolutely stinks of being better than those of us with one - without question! That’s what has really annoyed me. And how DARE she speak for those of us with one child - she only knows her own experience. She has no clue why certain women choose to stick with one, and it’s certainly not for the reasons she gives here. Thankfully we’re not all the same!

Wow…tears streaming down my face.  Thank you for your perspective!  I have a unique situation where it’s all or nothing with my husband, due to his work schedule.  For two weeks I’m super mom who does it all for our little one.  The two weeks he’s back I’ve been struggling with who I am and what is my importance?  As you put it, “Is this who I am now?”  has definitely crossed my mind.  Wonderfully powerful.

I cried reading this bc I am that mom of one kid. I say everyday, this is my life, this is who I am. You put it into words I haven’t used yet :) i thank you

Wow is this condescending: “Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard.  You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.” Eh, excuse me? I’m not “turning” into any kind of a new woman, I’m the mother I want to be, thank you very much. Yes my life is hard, but I’m not “suffering”, or even if I do feel like I’m suffering on certain days, it’s not because of what you’ve written here. My life is hard because I’ve chosen to be fully and wholly there for my one child, no other reason. And certainly not because I’m turning into some new woman! Are we living in the dark ages or something? My child gets my full attention 24/7, and that’s a hard commitment to give one child, but I could never take that attention away by having more children. My childs needs are too strong. I personally feel it’s a cop out having more children (as you’re basically turning the older ones into babysitters for the younger ones, when the younger ones really need mother and not siblings). And I agree it’s harder having one than nine, because you have to fully give emotionally to the one, whereas you don’t with the nice - it’s more physical the more you have, but the emotional side is missing as you cannot split yourself into 9 pieces if you have 9 kids. However, this is my own personal view and I don’t wish to change anyone else’s view on this, nor do I think badly of those who have more than one - each to their own is my view. However, I’m not blogging about my opinion either, passing scorn on those with more than one, ramming my views down other people’s throats. I know there was no harm intentionally meant by this article, but I agree with the others who found it smug - it completely stinks of smugness, and for all the wrong reasons, and those of us with one have got it right, in my humble opinion. Jesus was an only child after all.

I am a mother of one and I am overjoyed.  I am not planning on having any more children—at least not in the immediate future. This is not because being a mother of one has been difficult—in fact, my daughter has been a breeze!  But, I think my one blessing is blessing enough.  I invest a lot of time and energy in entertaining her, challenging her, and teaching her new things.  Every child deserves as much quality time as I spend with my daughter and I don’t want to divide that attention between more than one child.  My hat goes off to those parents who are able to provide quality time for each of their children, as well as provide for their current and future needs.  Unfortunately, there are a large number of parents who can’t even do that for one child, much less more than one.

I get so irritated when people ask me if I have “only one child”. And “when am I going to have more”. Why can’t one child be enough? What’s wrong with wanting him to have everything I didn’t have growing up, because there were so many kids?

Deeply moving piece Mrs. F

I read this and thought, “Blah. She is not talking to me.” But you are. I read it again and cried. It is hard. I am an only child with an only child who is nothing like I was when I was a kid. I never met a stranger. My daughter doesn’t know there are other people on the planet. I could get lost faster than any kid in the world (once getting lost at a State Fair sending my father off to practically terrorize every little girl in pink with pig tails thinking he’d found me). My daughter doesn’t leave my side.

But she is so funny, and can cry at the drop of a hat. She takes an hour to warm up to every situation. She is the sweetest, most respectful child. She is a wonderful friend. If you are sick today and she sees you in three months, she’ll remember it and ask how you’re feeling. She remembers every line from every book and movie she’s ever seen. She likes jazz. She is a born athlete. (I was a born cheerleader.) She is an angel at school and a crazy Leo at home, which is just fine by me.

I’m a single mother. My daughter’s father lives out-of-state, so there are no free weekends off for me. No one else to pick her up or drop her off wherever she needs to be. I cook every meal (gluten-free), I do all the chores, I give all the baths. I nursed her for 14 months, barely awake at times wondering how she got in my lap.

I have stopped feeling sorry for myself. It is hard. It’s supposed to be hard. If it was easy, I wouldn’t want to do it. It’s my life’s greatest accomplishment. And in true Leo fashion, I am sure she’ll move somewhere that takes me five planes and three days to travel to but I will.

She is the love of my life.

There be crazies on this message board tonight!!! Holy moly! Great article, as usual, Simcha.  You’re the best :)

No one has ever summed it up so perfectly. I only have two, but the truth applies from one to twenty. And I can say that, coming from a family of five kids. Thank you for this wonderful piece of wisdom.

One of the most accurate accounts of new motherhood I’ve ever read.  Thank you!

I am in tears… Thank you for reminding me about the trials of my beginning as a mom, and the letting go that has taken shape every day since their births.  It is as it should be.  I AM doing it right!  Wonderful post!

I like parts of this. I have two children though and I am still going through this. My boys were born 15 months apart and I love them to death but sometimes it is so crazy because I have two babies and they both need me a lot. It also depends on when you have your babies. Im sad to say I was slightly offended by parts of this and deeply touch by others.

Amen. And thank you. for letting me know we’re going to make it.
-mommy of one

Honor, Laura, and Vanessa—I think Simcha is not talking about people with “only” one kid so much as people with their first child, whether they are planning to have more or not.  I think the tone is meant to be encouraging—to me, with my one child and one on the way, it helps me not to be scared of having 2, because I know it won’t be twice as hard.  I know Simcha personally and her children aren’t emotionally neglected, not at all!  I’m sure there are plenty of people with large families who do neglect their children, but it’s not a given.  Simcha has written elsewhere about what a great gift it is to give your children siblings and how it will not ruin their world but actually enrich it.  She has also written about the special care she takes to make sure each of her children gets personal, individual emotional care, even though their family is so large and busy.  I’ve seen that in action, too.  Also, siblings can help fulfill eachother’s emotional needs!  Especially when they’re older.  This is NOT to say that an older sibling replaces a busy parent, just that having siblings can add more love to your life, not take away half of it.  And when you are an adult, a close adult sibling is a great gift.

This is one of the most honest, self deprecating blog posts I have ever read.  It is not agenda driven. Vitriol in the com box is petty. This is not a treatise on why *you* should have more than *one* child, it is a beautiful, true story that gives hope to those who continue to say “yes” even while the “yes” is both painful AND beautiful. The beauty MULTIPLIES, it doesn’t divide or turn inward on itself.  Be HAPPY for her! Be happy for her intelligent, well adjusted children who cherish their new baby sister and would *choose* this blessing over things, and trips and hours of “one on one time”, because they have been taught unselfishness in a natural, life affirming environment.

How long ago it was to have had only one child. We loved her dearly, but so did we love each one that came along afterwards. Being the mother of six, and having lost four—I wonder so many times where they would have fit in with the rest of the family.  would they have looked like my side or the father’s side.  Would they have loved to read like their brothers and sisters. would they have been faithful to their faith as their brothers and sisters are.  Would they have been beautiful and handsome as their siblings are—do I sound a little like a mother????  I love all six and wonder what it would have been like to have 10. Been a good party,I guess!

People, please stop projecting and unloading you emotional baggage here. All Simcha said is: moms of 1, when you see me with 9 children you wonder how I do it since the one you have takes a lot of energy… well, it actually has become easier with our growing family. THAT’S ALL. If your 1 child doesn’t take any energy at all or you didn’t have an adjustment phase as a new mom then awesome, no need to yell at her for that. She is not telling you how many kids to have or anything like that, she is just saying that it is OK to not feel like Barney the whole time. Once again, no need to yell at her for that.

Did you ever stop to think that the “mother of one child” might have 6 children in heaven?

Where’s The Jerk to defend you from some of these comments?

Nice post- but the reason why I am bookmarking it is so I can look over the comments when I am feeling sorry for myself with my little blog- I couldn’t handle these slings and arrows

priest’s wife

mom to 4

Thank you, Simcha.  This was exactly what I needed to read.  I wish there were more people willing to be supportive of parents and less “our way is the right way, and we will feel judged and hurt if you don’t follow our advice”.  Prayers coming your way…

wow that brought me to tears reading that. When you mentioned being suddenly terrified of limbs falling off and all that, the struggle and how exhausting it can be it because it is hard work. I am a stay at home mom with a beautiful 2 year old boy and I knew nothing of being a mother until I had him. There have been many worries and sleepless nights and just struggle. That was very well written. It shows that just because it is hard (and it is) to be a mom even of just 1 child that it doesn’t make you a bad mom. It was refreshing to read that and feel like someone truly understands. Thank you thank you for that.

I have not read any other of her writings, but as a mom of one, I immediately cringed when I saw the title. Although there were some positive, eloquent thoughts here, I found the tone overall to be really demoralizing.  I doubt this was the writer’s intent, but she must realize that there are many reading this who may desperately want one child or a second,  and her underlying message to me was something like this: “I pity you with only one, it’s so much easier and more satisfying with many… You don’t know what you’re missing!”. I think the reason many of the commenters responded as they did, was because your words, no matter how well intended, stung.  Perhaps most stinging, was your use of the words, “only one”.  As someone starting to deal with the pain of secondary infertility and who feels the pain and guilt of not yet giving my child a sibling, the words “only” are hard to swallow. 
As moms, we all need to tread gently when we try to “offer support”.  We need to truly lift each other up, and encouragement should feel good to the receiver.  If it doesn’t, we might need to take the time to examine how our words might impact others, especially those whose experiences are different from ours.

Thank you! I have been feeling the weight of motherhood and I only have 1 child. Thank you!

Thank you so much for this article. I thought, not that I was all alone, but perhaps that I was crazy for thinking this was all so hard. I’m a full-time stay at home mom of one, with another on the way. These past couple of months I have been beating myself over the head wondering “What in the WORLD were you thinking?? One is hard enough, how will you handle two??” After reading your article, it really made me think. There is so much that I didn’t know before I had my little girl. I can take all of that knowledge and experience and use it with my little-one-to-be. It is such a comfort to know that it does all become easier, if not at least some parts do. I still can’t stop crying! (Though that might be the pregnancy hormones kicking in… At least partially.)

Reading this comment box reminds me of how scarred so many of us are from the nastiness of the “mommy wars.”  Like wolverines, ready to defend our lives, always hearing an attack coming whether there is one or not!

I have been reading too much on this website today.  I feel very heavy.  Prayers to all of you mommies AND daddies of one, none or many!

It is hard with one. It is harder for the mother (me) who knows that the child will be the ONLY one. Ever. It breaks my heart. I envy those with large families - because THAT is what I wanted.

My prayers go out to all women who wanted children and can’t have any (sometimes adoption is not even an option)—those who will only ever have just one—and those women who are merely passing through the one-child phase.

I also have tears coming down my face. It is hard to give all to someone else all the time, and it’s an adjustment as a new mom. Your article came at the perfect time. I was just worrying the other night about how I will handle another baby and I woke up from a sound sleep that same night feeling like I knew I could. Your article reinforced this. Sending you LOVE from one mom to the next!

Thanks for writing this.  I have twins, and if I had a dollar for everytime I heard ‘I don’t know how you do it!’, I’d have a million bucks.  So, tell me, what should I have done?  Silly people…..

Thank you for this!  We’re expecting our first and I have been trying to brace myself for that steep learning curve…  I think you help shed light on some important things not just about parenthood but about adult life.  I’m a teacher and I found the transition years brutal. The job seemed to swallow all my time, energy, health, social life, hobbies, etc.  I was able to get away from my students, of course, but then I’d dream about them.  At first all I could think was, “Unfair!!”  But I’m starting to see how it was that “sculpting,” bit by bit, and hopefully will help prepare me a little for parenthood. :)

I love it!!! As a mother of five, I so remember those days :)

I’m confused.  When did being the mother of one become something to be pitied?  I have one child.  My life is not hard, it’s glorious!  My husband disappeared and I am raising my daughter as a single mom.  It’s an incredible joy to be her mother.  I thank God every day that He chose me to be her mother and that He uniquely equipped me to handle her special needs. I didn’t have to invent errands, I didn’t wonder what to do with my time, I enjoyed my baby, marveled at each milestone and cherished each moment.  Nine children aren’t in my future.  Two children aren’t even in my future (unless there’s a miracle along with them).  Not every mother of one spends her days waiting around for her husband’s key in the lock or for her second child.  Most of us spend our days thanking God for the blessing of being a mother.

Thank you Simcha for such a beautifully worded and heartfelt piece on motherhood.  As the mother of an only child, I often feel like God gave me only one child because he knew that was all I could handle.  It’s though provoking for me to see a different perspective on this.  When I get asked how many children do you have….I answer “only one”. I feel like it’s somehow a poor reflection on me.  I feel like I should have to explain that it wasn’t my choice to have “only one” child but God’s plan.  I’m not ungrateful for the blessing of my daughter.  I thank God every day for her but I do feel like people judge me for having an only child.  I think we can all learn to be grateful for what we have and to be proud of all we do without judging each other.  We are all doing our best and that is what is really important.

I wasn’t going to post. I don’t frequent this blog and only read this because of a link on facebook. But, then I got to “Honor’s” comment and kept repeating in my head really? REALLY?! You can’t really believe the truly defensive drivel that you are spouting. I am the oldest of six and love, let me repeat that, LOVE my siblings. I couldn’t imagine not having them in my life, both as I was growing up and now that we are adults. I have two daughters of my own (and yes, that is as many as I will ever have) and can see the same love between them. My eldest thinks the world of her little sister. And, as to the accusation that I am not filling her “emotional needs”? The heart expands. There is always room.

Personally, there is nothing better than watching my two girls interact. There is nothing sweeter than hearing a three year-old sing to her sister. I would never call you selfish or judge you because your child won’t experience these things. How DARE you not give me the same courtesy.

Simcha ~ What you wrote about having to let them go is especially poignant for me. My daughters are still babies but, even now, I can feel them asserting their independence. I hope that I find the strength to be the one who is left behind!

@ Honor & Laura (6:25 pm)—But what about the joy of having siblings to play with and to love and be loved by?  Yes, it’s natural for the firstborn to feel “dethroned” when the 2nd one comes along, but there are ways of overcoming that.  My firstborn went through that, but now she and our 2nd child, who are both in their teens, are very close and enjoy their relationship. What a precious gift that is.  If it’ll help, read “Siblings Without Rivalry” by Faber & Mazlish.
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Also, with God’s Help, it is possible to find time to spend with each of our kids, as long we make RELATIONSHIPS a priority in whatever way we can.  It’s not going to be perfect, but they see us love them, and they see us trying our best—that’s all that matters.  God will provide the rest.
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You both sound like mothers who deeply care about your children and are capable of giving the kind of love children long for—why deprive other possible souls of this gift?  I think you underestimate yourselves.  All good things come from God, and God gave you this gift.  Trust in Him, and He will give you more of it if you open your hearts to another Life.  He will never forget your generosity.  Our loving God cannot be outdone in generosity.  Blessings!
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Thanks for your post, Simcha—that’s what I went through with my first born!

Thank you Simcha, a beautiful piece! I often find myself wondering what’s wrong with me that I’m so stressed out with just my two (and number three on the way!) when other women can handle 5,6,7,8+. It’s really nice to hear from one of the “big family” moms that motherhood is tough for us ALL.

Also, wow to some of the bizarre comments here! You guys are seriously misreading Simcha. Take a step back ladies, she’s being *nice* not insulting you!

Sometimes the words of a stranger can be all it takes to make your heart happy.

Thanks for this letter. I have two children, but remember how hard it was with one. And its still hard. But its people like you that make me remember that I DO love it. Not every single second. But every single day.

This sounds so much like me when I had my first child.  I wish I had read something like this.  I don’t get the angry comments.  If you did not feel these things, more power to you.  I believe this is comforting to many moms.

Wow, as a mom to one with another on the way (and somewhat terrified as to how I’ll handle two!), thank you for this message!! The writing itself is excellent as well; if you’re interested, you’re welcome to submit something to the digital parenting magazine I’m helping edit: http://www.mamawit.com/submit

To the commenters who are being defensive about your only child, I may be wrong, but I believe Simcha is reaching out to the new mother (incidentally of one) who is in that state of life when everything is just so new.  I dont’ think she’s talking to the mom of a 16 year old single child.  When taken in this light i have a hard time seeing how anyone can be offended by this.  It’s not pity or patronizing- it’s remembering when she was at that point in her life with a new baby (her first) and offering encouragement that it won’t always be like that (regardless of whether they have more or not.).  I don’t even think it assumes people will have more (someone was offended by that) but sharing how her perspective changed as a result of her of family expanding. Anyway, thanks Simcha.  I really like how this is going on FB. You’re evangelizing to more people than you know.

As someone dealing with secondary unexplained infertility, I would give anything to have another child. While this is a beautifully written post in many ways, it is very hard to read as many people, like myself, would love to have more than one child and have ‘only one child’ not by choice but because of reasons that even a doctor can’t explain.  And it is truly heartbreaking.

Wow!  What a wonderful article.  I remember having one and then I remember having three.  No matter how many you have, be blessed and be happy…there are still those with an empty womb…and be tender towards them too!

First: “Only” is written in a derogatory way.
Second: My goodness we are already overpopulated.  I hope people learn to have less children and do not use you as an example!  What a stressful footprint you are leaving on our earth. Please do not give birth to any more.

As a mother of four I understand every word…. With each child you have its like you just get better at juggling and letting the little things go. I remember potty training my oldest. An accident was the end of the world, and now that I’m potty training number four I can look at my darling two year with pee running down her leg and into her shoes and just do what needs to be done to clean her up while telling her that its ok you’ll do better next time…. The insecurities that plague you as a new mother are long gone and your older children are there to help you where when it was just the one baby you were all alone with no help and no sleep crying over an exploded diaper with poop on your cheek and butt cream under your fingernails. People ask me all the time “How do you do it?” Easy, one day at a time, one load of laundry at a time, one pot of coffee at a time, four little kisses at time, and four little hugs at a time. I cherish my children and manage to maintain my sanity in the chaos that is my life with four little girls. And I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. Thank you for this post, you have put into words what has been on my heart sense my youngest came along. God bless you.

That was amazing, thank you so much for the words of wisdom and encouragement :)

As amazing as we think we are because we can talk about our reproductive history, I don’t care if you have one child or you are a foster family with 10 children who you have a contract with some entity to raise: Parenting is hard work. Children are a blessing. My comment is a gift. For tax purposes commercially or otherwise, do not declare it as being of any worth and value.

This brought me to tears. It is beautifully written and so thoughtful. Bless you for thinking to encourage new mothers in this way. What a gift you’ve given this tired Mommy of only one…

Honest and refreshing, you put it perfectly, I wish more moms realized that there is no shame in how they feel, especially that first year and that it does not take away from the blessing that is parenthood or make you any less grateful. It took me a year to realize this, sharing is power, and thank you for sharing. It made a difference.

This post brought me to tears in gratitude! I have only one child and this is exactly how I feel. Your words were such a gift to me today. Thank you!

I feel so blessed to have a son and a wonderful step-daughter who is to be married this year to a guy we just love..I feel that our family is complete.

“I invest a lot of time and energy in entertaining her, challenging her, and teaching her new things.  Every child deserves as much quality time as I spend with my daughter and I don’t want to divide that attention between more than one child. “

Laura,
While I respect the approach you have taken with your daughter, I would gently suggest seeing a different perspective, at least with forming opinions about those that choose to have more than one. Families that choose to have larger families see that they are meeting the needs of each child through different avenues than what you are accomplishing, and to do so does not necessarily deprive a child of what it needs. For instance, learning to share, to work within a community, to be part of a team, to entertain themselves as well as siblings, to learn new things, to be responsible…these things all come naturally within a large family. Sometimes they come directly from the parents, and other times they come from siblings. We have been asked by well meaning friends how we “do it all”, and I think what they mean is how we manage to multiply the attention/time/money that is demanded of one and apply the same amount to each subsequent child. The answer is that it isn’t multiplied, it’s divided. And not by turning older children into “minions”, as others have suggested. But in the natural context of working together, and the willingness of siblings to look out and care for one another. To give an example, say I buy a high quality toy for my first child, the kind that inspires, challenges, and educates. To be fair, should I buy the same toy for every other child that comes into our family? Perhaps, but what if we just kept the one toy, and spent hours talking about it together, negotiating turns, learning how to ask politely, receive thankfully, and so on and so forth. So the answer to how one “does it all” with a large family may not be as exhausting (or expensive!) as perceived as first glance. I hope this helps provide perspective.

@Colleen…I am with you and feel your pain. I thought the tone was arrogant.  I am a mother of a three year old boy.  I always thought I would have another child by now or at least be pregnant by the time my son was four.  I’ve learned that I have PCOS and can no longer have kids.  It is a tough road to walk.  But it is something that I am starting to embrace.  Having one child isn’t such a bad thing.  It means that we can still have date nights, and be a little more financially sound. It means that I can go back to work as a teacher when my son starts school and I can feel good about serving my students and my family. Yes, it is challenging.  I will forever seek opportunities for my child to socialize with others and will forever be checking myself to make sure that I do not turn him into a spoiled brat…but it is a reality for many moms.  It is a club that I never realized existed.  I knew that once I became a mom, I was different from my friends who didn’t have kids yet.  I felt the line being drawn.  But, now that my other “mom friends” have gone on to have two plus kids, they automatically leave me out and assume I have no idea what they are going through.  Perhaps I don’t, but that doesn’t make me any less of a mother.

This article is absolutely Amazing

Beautiful.  Simply beautiful.

I am a mother of (only recently) 2 children now… and I am crying

Thank you so much for this.

Whether you have one or 9 or somewhere in between… Motherhood is hard…and wonderful…and terrible and everything in between.

I love it! Very very very well said! Coming from a mother of 5, i often reflect on WHY was it so darn hard with the first one! Thank you thank you for this! I will definitely refer this to others!

Simcha, if you start to read a negative comment above, skip it, or print them out so you can vent by cutting the bad ones. 
Happily caring for your family is more important than some of this drivel.

I am a mother of one, she is grown, 13 and its gotten different no, but my sister has a 9th month old.  I struggle to find all the ways that I can tell her how great of a mom she is.  She is exhausted, and one of the “lucky” ones whose baby is 9 months old and still not sleeping through the night.  My sister is such a wonderful mom and I know that because she is my best friend and she has helped me in raising my daughter and my daughter looks up to her so much.  Thank you for the letter, what a great way to show that some struggle is okay, and you are doing a great job!!  I love you sister.

Not yet a mother, but so very touched by your beautiful words. Thank you so much for sharing with us, this line in particular:

“When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.” What a beautiful way with words you have. Look forward to reading more.

XOXO

This was beautifully written!  As a mother of just one, I thought it was going to take a turn and you were going to make us feel bad because we only have one and it shouldn’t be that hard.  Instead you made me feel like I was normal and entitled to feel this way.  Thank you and Good luck!  Sounds like you have a very full life with a full house.

I have to say thank you as well for writing this….I kind of miss the days when I only had one child. I was so excited to be a mom after being a babysitter/nany for a number of years. Having one child for me was a “piece of cake.” Hard yes, I hated my husband as well for being to get leave the hosue and go to work. We kived in a one bedroom condo. I had my good and bad days just as you had. Then I had my second child 19 months after my first, while we still lived at that condo. It wasn’t as easy as I thought with just having the one child. Now I have three kids, my youngest is 17 months younger then my second child. So yes I have three kids ages 3 1/2, 2yrs, and now 7mos. We just found out that my youngest was diagnosed with Bilateral Perisylvian Polymicrogyria which is a brain malformation. She also now has two different types of seziures. She will be specail needs for the rest of her life. Right now is a constant struggle, we have been in and out of hospitals since the end of this past October. I have to say this is the hardest part of her life and mine as we get these seizures under control. Then in December my husband sufered a seizure and stroke. He too has spent the last month and half in and out of the hospital. So do I miss the days of just having one child…yes and no. Yes because for me it was easier, and no because each of my kids are blessing and a joy. I would never change them for the world! Do I want to go and sit in the corner and cry, you bet! Do I, no!

Tossing my hat in the ring with those who found the article condescending. Trying to put myself in Simcha’s shoes, hearing the same line day in and day out, and I understand where she’s coming from. I understand that this is about her journey through motherhood and the path that took.

The generalization in the article, continued through many of the responses, to all parents of “only” one as having it hard because they’re new to parenting is where I found the article to break down. Not all parents to one are new to parenting. Not all are contracepting. Not all are mourning infertility, even if they are infertile. Some really do have it hard with one child who needs their full attention and that shouldn’t be minimized.

I look forward to the day when no parent has to deal with qualifiers like “only” so many or having your “hands full” with so many. Without the snide attacks about how easy someone else has it like many of the commenters gave. When we can all get over ourselves long enough to sympathize with another mom doing God’s hard work.

The fact that Simcha even needed to write this article says to me that we women are cruelest to each other. I apologize to Simcha and all the other moms who hear judgmental or hurtful comments about their family size, small or large. We need to do a better job of supporting each other without the condescension, bewilderment, and attacks.

Thank you for articulating this so beautifully- the struggle and the sweetness.

Thank you… I relate to every word of this and I genuinely thank you, kind stranger, for supporting me and everyone else from afar.

Beautiful article with (mostly) great comments. Y’all have my support and prayers.

I really struggle when people post articles like these. My mother is my idol. Although I am her only biological child, I shared my childhood with indigent (that means destitute or low income) elderly and disabled individuals. That said, in the faith community of my hometown,(which averages on 5-9 children per family) many families ostracized my mother because she was one of the few who had to work;  and the only person who had one child. My family size shame intensified when interacting with my parish peers “Oh, you must be so spoiled!” - as I wheeled the handicapped to communion every sunday. What frustrates me about Ms. Fischer’s articles is the inherit righteousness and moral superiority carried by having an arbitrary amount of children. I grew up around big families, and I think that they are strikingly beautiful. Someday, I myself hope to have a bustling crew of little ones. But the tone which many “big family” or “as big as God wants” proponents takes is often harsh, judgmental and demeaning to many of those who God intends to raise one or maybe two children. I would be careful prejudging some of people’s comments regarding your leviathan sized families because you do not know what hurt they are harboring. God’s plan for others is bigger than your idea of family size.

Wow!  Thank you for this beautiful article!

Like so very many others who chanced upon your write-up, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, Simcha. God bless..

Thank you sooo much for sharing x

My goodness, that just made me cry - although it doesn’t take much these days.  I have one child, and I am currently becoming the new woman you describe, but each day too I am having to let go of my daughter as she asserts her independence, and it kills me.  I have never read truer words about motherhood.  If anyone has chance, please visit my blog at http://www.just-another-muther.blogspot.com as it runs along similar lines and I’d love some opinions.

Thank you for this. I am a mother to one child. My husband is in the military and is away more often than he is home (he’s currently away until March). My child has never slept through the night and she is three years old. She is going into hospital tomorrow for tests as she’s not been very well recently. I feel I have no right to say I am tired, or stressed or that I’m worried I’m doing something wrong. I keep upbeat so my husband doesn’t have to worry and so that my family 5,000 miles away don’t have to worry. I love being a Mother and my daughter is the greatest gift, but sometimes it is hard.

What a wonderful article about being a mother!  It is so very much on target for all the things I felt as my children arrived. Now as I reach the end with only 2 left here at home I realize how blest I have been all these years.  I also know why God is blessing me abundantly with G’babies as I struggle to become the mom of grown children.

What an inspiring and beautiful article about mothers. It is very reassuring to know that all mothers feel this way at one point or another.

Thank you!  This article is just the information I needed to see right now. I thank you for voicing the feelings and emotions that I have been struggling through all this time.

Yes, I had “only” one child. He was gifted -skipped 2 grades, talked BEFORE he walked, and was basically an amazing but exhausting handful. Now a successful lawyer and a lector at Mass, I know why and HOW I did it. Thank you so much for your comments.

I have to agree with a few people who found this post patronizing. I have several children now, but I remember being a new mother very well. I did not lack confidence in my parenting. There was no identity crisis or struggle to accept that I now had to care for someone besides myself. Being a parent of one was hard for me, but not for any of the reasons you state. Whew—you made a lot of assumptions that what was true for you must be true for every mother of one. I think this post would have been more effective if you had kept the focus on yourself, instead of assuming that what were issues for you are issues for every new mother. It is as off-putting to read this as it might be for you if people shook their heads sympathetically and patted your arm because of how awful they assume it must be to be a mother of nine.

“Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.” We may be left but we still will be rewarded!

Our goal as a mother is to raise our children as independent, loving and giving adults. Our adult children will leave us to live their owns lives but will come back to us in all their glory and truely make us proud… and then and only then will you, young mothers, understand and be thankful that you gave your all…
I pray for all young parents, including my children, as this is the greatest and hardest job of all…

Beautiful!  I remember having just our first born and how much better it was when the second came, then the third, and then the fourth.  Community within the family as well as outside the family is really a good thing.

Beautiful writing!  I can relate to this in so many ways.  I am a mother of 2, but have cared for other children for 9yrs now, so that I could be
home with my babies.  It has been up & down, stessful & fulfilling.  I have become attached to many that have come thru my door & no longer care for. Your creative writing has put a smile on my face.  Made me feel that I am not just a maid, a rug they walk all over, a sounding board, or 1 who has the answers to all arguments. But a special person they will remember the rest of their life, because I have made an imprint on their lives. Even if it’s thru discipline & they’re mad at me like no other!
    Thank You again for your unique way of words!

This is BS…not every mother of an only child is that ignorant and idiotic and having 9 children accomplished what for you? You’ve helped overpopulate our earth more so you could have more helpers and feel better about your parenting skills..really? This simply shows that you have severe psychological issues in wanting everyone to notice your 1st child and wondering if you were doing it right…Someone PLEASE tell me what the point to this article was…to make a mother of 9 with psychological issues look more stupid than she is? You achieved that and only that.

Thank you for acknowledging that only having 1 child is still a blessing in itself.  It is hard-but after reading your article I realize that I have become a different woman-a mom!  Wasn’t that the reason we worked so hard to concieve in the first place?  Thank you again…

Dear Mother of No Child-

Wait, please don’t say it.  Let me stop you before you spot out how you can’t be a mother without any children.  I’ve come to think that’s silly.

Maybe you have struggled for years with infertility.  Maybe you can’t afford or haven’t had any luck with adoption.  Perhaps you just can’t find a husband.  Or you worked really hard for a lot of years and missed your chance.  Some of us would gladly stop working, or at least working so hard, if we could become a mother.  Some of us aren’t even sure we want to be a mother, or have what it takes.  Many of us probably wonder what we’ve done wrong, where we went astray, and why it hasn’t worked out for us.

I would gladly trade the mental fatigue of constantly asking why for the physical exhaustion of yet another sleepless night.  I’ve never been woken up by a scrunch infant at 4am, but I’ve found myself awake at that hour crying uncontrolably for really no good reason.  I’m not medically depressed, it’s just hard sometimes you know?  I know.

I love my job and get to help people every day.  But it’s just not the same.  I have a god-daughter whom I love to pieces and it’s just not the same.  I’m happy for all of you mothers out there, the experts and the novices.  I’m happy to listen as you trade sleep and potty training stories or debate again whether cloth diapers are worth it.  It’s just hard to listen to all the time, so forgive me if and when we mothers of no child need a break.  Remember that it might be really hard if every parish you join has a woman’s group that only reads books on being a mother and always meets during normal work hours.  Being Catholic is hard, and it’s sometimes an extra struggle to find inspiration from the public female leaders who either have a calling you do not, or offer advice only on the grace of being a mother. The mother of no child could use a hug from time to time, we get them much less frequently after all.  We could probably use a margarita over girl talk occasionally too.  I know things are hard for you mothers out there, but if you have any extra energy to spare, please say a prayer today for the mother of no child. 

I’m a family physician and in my training have had the chance to deliver dozens of babies.  I’ve delivered first babies and eighth babies to mothers who were champs in labor and those who cursed a thousand times.  I’ve had mothers smother their children with kisses right away and mother who wanted to finish watching a sitcom before she held her child.  I watched a mother watch her 22 week old baby die in her arms.  And in my office I have seen it all.  I’ve learned that it’s really not the ovaries or the uterus that makes a mother.  It’s not the brain either.  The organ that matters is the heart.  To be a mother is to give and love unceasingly and you certainly do not have to have a child of your own to do that. 

So dear mother of no child, no it’s not the same.  And yes, it’s profoundly hard.  Pray unceasingly that God will show you how He is still using you as a mother.  Because He is.  And we have to remember that.

I thought I was the only one saying this. Thank you, that was lovely! I am sure it will encourage many young mothers.

By His grace,
Melanie Young
Mother of eight, who thinks life is so much more rich and fun now than it was then…
http://raisingrealmen.com

I love this.
It makes me feel like I can take on anything! Thank you.

Thank you Simcha.  I have 6 and this really resonated.  This is what I meant whenever I had similar conversations with new moms (but hadn’t been able to articulate).

I LOVE….LOVE…LOVE this! I feel some of these same feelings all these years after my first two children. I now have 20 mon old triplets. My fav parts…But who I am now is something more terrible:  the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.“Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.”

This was a beautiful article..can’t believe the negative comments. I swear people have nothing better to do than work out their “issues” on innocent other people. Really? I’ve face infertility as well…didn’t carry a chip on my shoulder because parenting is hard and will be hard no matter what. But you can clearly see her love for being a Mommy with one or nine. That’s her point! Jeeze people, get over yourselves!

Thank you, thank you so much. I have a 2 year old and #2 on the way. It means a lot for experienced moms to give encouragement like this.

Saudações. Na verdade, eu fiz algumas navegar na web e dar início a este blog. Vimax Eu firme especial deste blog apresentam-se e é bastante incredible. Vimax I indubitavelmente genuinamente prazer o seu website.Perfectly, o pedaço de postagem é no juramento do melhor, Vimax Brasil pelo menos nesta genuinamente pena apesar assunto. VigRX Plus, Penis Enlargement. Vimax.

This is exactly how I have felt about my experience of motherhood. People always comment on how many children I have - I have five, and I’m not yet 30. Sometimes mothers will say “I don’t know how you do it. I’m struggling with my——- (fill in the blank) ” and I always say: “I struggled too” having one or even two kids if they are close in age is HARD. I had no idea what I was doing, or if I was doing it “right” and I had a totally different perspective than I do now. I don’t know in theory - I’ve lived it. These long hard baby days are over in a flash so I cherish them differently than I cherished the baby days of my firstborn.

Thank you so much for writing this - it is exactly how I feel.

<3 thank you thank you thank you! I’m a married women with a 16 month old and another due in 6 weeks. It has been Fe hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life
Thanks for your uplifting honest words.

This is exactly how I have felt about my experience of motherhood. People always comment on how many children I have - I have five, and I’m not yet 30. Sometimes mothers will say “I don’t know how you do it. I’m struggling with my——- (fill in the blank) ” and I always say: “I struggled too” having one or even two kids if they are close in age is HARD. I had no idea what I was doing, or if I was doing it “right” and I had a totally different perspective than I do now. I don’t know in theory - I’ve lived it. These long hard baby days are over in a flash so I cherish them differently than I cherished the baby days of my firstborn. Thank you so much for writing this - it is exactly how I feel.

@Larry -
I have two children, the second one has special needs. I have always wondered if people thought I didn’t want any more. Do not worry about what other people think. This is really between you and God and it doesn’t matter what other people think. There are many ways to adopt. DSS has lots of children who need homes and adoption through them is free. They will even in many instances pay for the home study. These are kids that desparately need homes. Sometimes they have special needs, but take it from me, having a kid with some moderate special needs is not necessarily more work than a “normal” chld - just different! Watching their milestones is just as rewarding. Take if from a mom of two!

So, so very beautiful.

The negative comments are just… ridiculous.

This article was written for new moms who may wish to have more, but often feel like they are overwhelmed, scared, and inadequate to be a good mom. I’m in that boat. I have one child… I believe the best gift I could give my daughter would be a sibling(s). I’m often afraid to admit how hard of an adjustment becoming a mother has been. I was comfortable before becoming a mom… and motherhood has been my greatest struggle, and yet my greatest joy.

Smicha, you spoke to my heart today. You formulated what I often feel and put it into words. You made me realize I’m not crazy and not alone for feeling this way. You have given me a great source of encouragement. I will bookmark this article for times when I need a boost.

Thank you, Smicha.

I loved this article. As a parent of two children, I remember thinking everything was so hard the first time, or the first few months of the second baby. But now I see how quickly it goes and it’s beautiful, I love how she said babies are light- so true!! The do seem heavy at first, when faced with their care for the first time. Thank you for this.

And for the people talking about overpopulation and all of that…God said be fruitful and multiply….it’s not wrong to have more children if you are so blessed, if not, so be it, as well.That’s just cruel. She is intentionally putting emphasis on “only” one because people act as if you struggle at times, with “only” one it gets easier with one more or eight more. If you can’t relate to it, just read and move on. Leave your negativity to yourself. Some of you people are just miserable people and clearly want to “share” your misery with others. Go seek counseling…seriouly, this is ridiculous! Be encouraged, Smicha!

As I sit here expecting my first child, I really appreciate your words.  Thank you! God bless you!
Now that I am entering into motherhood, I was so not aware of how instead of mothers being supportive of each other they are so judgmental.  Someone pointed out earlier the “mommie wars”.  I now know that no matter what I do there will always be another mother around to tear me down and tell me I’m going to hell for my decisions.

I understand both sides… I’m the mom but not the stay at home one… I work and my husband is Mr Mom… I am grateful that he is taking care of my two 9 month old boys… So I understand the “motherly instincts” of wanting to hold your baby when I hear blood curtailing scream due to teathing but since I’m not home with them I ( in most cases is the father) am kind of the man cause I didn’t know what to do to calm him down! So I understand the struggles on both ends of the spectrum… Great article

Thank you from a mother of one! This article was a blessing!

Such a strange text! Why are one child mothers unhappy? hey? why do they feel bored and lonely in an empty apartment? Why with the first child do mothers feel pushed from the people around?? Why is it shown as a big problem learning how to be a mother?  Hey! That’s all wrong! I’ve never heard anything like this . I think it’s just the choice of every mother how many children to have. - but! IIt doesn’t mean that your maternity could go unhappy with one or two children and not 9!  I wish all the best to this mother, but it seems like a promotion of demographic strategy of the country more.

I had my first one all by myself. It wasn’t until long after I was married and onto having my third (and final) that I was able to forgive myself for what I thought were inadequacies of my first attempt at trying to be the perfect mom.  I wish I knew then what I know now!  I might have been able to enjoy many more moments…

As the mother of one child (and probably only one because of infertility problems) I have said ...“it must be hard” to another mother before who had more children than I do.  I wasn’t saying it because I feel bad about thinking my own life was difficult.  Rather it was said out of admiration and respect for my friend who has more children and more to manage than I have with just one!  I am not sure I understand why people “hate it” when mothers of one make such a comment.  Perhaps they were just being respectful and admiring of you.

God bless you for sharing what me and all other new mothers are experiencing!!!!.  this piece made me cry simply because it tells me that i am not alone with the struggles of parenthood and that as a mother of one and i am sure other mothers of one, two three or more children (also dads who are take on the role of mums)i am allowed to accept that my life is hard, although i am very blessed to have my baby.  sending love, peace and happiness to all who have been touched by this lovely ladies words xx

Simcha, whenever I feel like I want to go back to writing, I read one of your articles and think, “Simcha has already said that better than I could have.” I also have nine children, and remember the struggle of having only one. The difficulty is worse in our times because, for better and worse, women are not raised to think of themselves as mothers and almost no one is raised to think of themselves as givers.

Bored?  Really?  Wow!  I would say I was anything BUT bored.  There was never a lack of something to do.  As a mother of one child, my experience does not match that description.  I would also say that over time, there are hands to reach something, get something, do something to help me any time I ask for help, albeit it’s not to go get a diaper:)  I have several friends who have several children each, and their lives are the same as mine in some ways yet different in other ways….one is no better than the other….just different.  I have to wonder how anyone could read this and be offended?  Live and let live, people, and be happy that you get to choose your own path.

“Many people do selfishly choose to have one child and prevent additions so they can take more vacations or send their kids to “the best schools”, etc.”  To quote the person who stated having only one kid is selfish..how is it their right to say that?! So what if someone only wants to have 1 kid. Maybe it is because they still want to afford “fancy” vacations..but you know what that is THEIR CHOICE! This statement came out judgmental and arrogant..big surprise though! I have yet to have a child yet and guess what when I do…I am thinking only 1…but apparently now my husband and I are very selfish because we don’t want to have a dozen more so we can hate and resent one another while we struggle with out bills. Honestly, after reading this article (although well written) it scares me off from wanting to have multiple kids. I know quite a few couples who have 3 kids or more and guess what…they can’t afford it, they are always bitter towards one another and they usually have no control over their kids. I am not saying every family is like that with multiple children..but if that is usually the norm..count me out! So you can count me as one those selfish people who only wants 1 child so I can still afford “pretty” stuff. I would hate to see this persons attitude on people who don’t even want kids. It’s really nobodies f****ing business!!!
Signed,
A future selfish parent

Women are not required to have children in order to be complete human beings.  (btw:  in case anyone didn’t know, the world has seven billion people and with only 2% growth will double to 14 billion people by the year 2046). 

There are tremendous advantages (too many to list here) to a zero growth (replacement numbers) or slightly declining population size.

Of course people are free to choose as they wish, and they generally do.

I just want women to know that if you choose not to have children, you are not a lesser person.  In my eyes, the opposite, you are a hero.

chill people- if she says her experience was hard then beleive her. it’s her blog after all! don’t be so self-absorbed to think she’s trying to describe your experience! the last phrase about being “left” is meaningful to me- just sent my 1st of 4 off to college. makes me look at daily life with the 3 at home a little differently. being “needed” constantly by you children can be a burden at times but also a blessing of course.

This article has opened up some interesting reactions.  I am sure that the writer never meant to say you should have 1 or 20 children.  However, as a Christian, it is really never our right to choose how many children to have without the Lord’s involvement.  Belonging to Him, every choice we make should include Him, he did make us, didn’t he?  The abortion rate surely shows just how many people are selfish and want to be free…but are they free inside?  It is what is in your heart that shows where you are and what you are.  You decide.

I only skimmed a few of the comments, but they seemed to all be in agreement. So let me be the lone voice of dissent…

I’m a stay-at-home-dad.

I’ve got three kids, and they are all awesome little people. I love them all very much and am glad that we get to be a family. We have great fun. The 5 of us are pretty normal.

But one was WAY easier than two. And two was easier than three. Perhaps the adjustment to a new baby was easier with each new addition, but the more kids you add, the more care you need to provide.

There’s no way I would give up any of my kids, but to those who have a kid and are thinking about another, I would counsel them to do some real thinking about it before deciding to do it. There are pros and cons. Ultimately, we decided to try and have more, and we are glad we did, but in now way are our lives EASIER. Not by a long shot.

I realize I’m probably the only one here with this opinion. Which is why I chose to share it… :)

I have one child, he is beautiful, and he is the profound purpose of my life.  I never felt like I was struggling or suffering.  From the moment I laid eyes on my baby boy, my world was changed forever.  I finally and at last, knew the true meaning of love.  And I have dedicated and devoted myself to my only child for 15 years and running.  He is my joy and my life.  I think that it is harder to be an only child, without siblings, I sometimes imagine that I could have had another child so my son would have a sibling.  But, I was gifted with just the one, and I love and adore him with everything I’ve got.

I hesitated to read this because I thought it was going to be the opposite of what it is.  I am sorry for pre judging it, and I am moved to tears.  What you have written is exactly what is in my heart.  I am a mom of 5 kids ages 16-6.  I can’t believe how fast the years have gone by, but I remember days where it was so hard I could literally just go moment by moment.  What a joy and heartache it is to be a mom.  “The Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is His name.”

God bless you.

Kaylan,

Just because you believe that God is against birth control, does not mean that he is or that your friends are sinning.  I challenge you to show me where in the Bible either God or Jesus said that people should not use birth control.  In Genesis, God said “Be fruitful and multiply.” However, that was a very, very long time ago and the world is populated now.  For that reason, I feel that you have absolutely no Biblical truth to make the statement you made about “artificial birth control” being a sin.  Sometimes people like you should actually read the Bible for yourselves instead of listening to what someone else tells you to believe in.  A lot of rules of religion are made up and not based on the Bible itself, so I challenge you to actually read the Bible for yourself and THEN decide what God actually says.

Also, it sounds to me like you are having a hard time with children, but you will not use birth control for religious reasons, which means that you should A) stop having sex or B) use some type of protection (since the Bible actually DOES say that it is not right to deny your husband/wife sex)

It bothers me when there are people who hate on those who only have one child and are jealous of them when they themselves made the choice to not use any type of protection when they had sex.  Yes, I believe God is sovereign, however, your post irritated me.

I myself have used “artificial birth control”, yet it affects me very badly and makes me very sick.  We have one daughter and are not sure if we are ready for another yet, so instead of using birth control, we don’t have a lot of sex, and when we do, we use other methods of not getting pregnant, however, we would not be upset if we did get pregnant again.  It sounds as if you would be, so I hope you will be more responsible about NOT getting pregnant again.  The writer seems to love being a mother of many children, while you do not.

Back to the article, I loved it and it was beautiful.  It was also nice as a mother of only one child to hear validation for the times when I feel being a mother is hard.  Sometimes I feel like I am weak for feeling like some things are hard that my friends with multiple children feel like is easy.  I don’t know how they do it and it is so difficult for me to do what they do sometimes, and it is nice to hear something encouraging for us mom’s with one child instead of putting us down as being wimps.  I also have nightmares that my daughter will die or something will happen to her and sometimes worry myself sick!

One final note, to the person who said it is selfish to have only one child, it sounds like you are jealous of those with only one child.  It sounds as if you wish you could give your child the “best” and you feel like you can’t because you have multiple children.  My parents had multiple children, yet they never were jealous or said bad things about those who only have one child.  It is hard as a parent to know what is best-to have only one and give him/her the best, or to give him/her brothers and sisters.  Some people have wonderful experiences with siblings (like me) and count their siblings as some of their greatest blessings, while others (I can think of several who sued each other, slept with another’s spouse, took advantage of siblings), are not so much a blessing.  Sometimes the reason a person chooses not to have another child is because they do not know what is best and they are trying to do the best for the child.

This article was a wonderful read for ALL mothers, those with only one child and those with multiple children, and those who are negative and putting down mothers with only child in response to it are missing the whole point.

This really spoke to me… I was so well-prepared for our son’s birth, but learning to have him at home was a struggle I didn’t anticipate at all!  I remember the sleeplessness, the never-ending pain of learning to nurse (I actually had nightmares about it in the beginning), the irrational fears (I once called my mom in a panic because he burped with such force it scared me!), the feeling of being totally inept and overwhelmed… and the added guilt of NOT feeling very joyful when everyone told me I should be.  The initial struggle took all my concentration and energy, but slowly I did change into a new woman, just like all mothers do… thanks for the encouragement!

Nobody can write like you. Nobody.  That is one of the best things I have ever seen in print. Thank you.

I have 8 children and have heard the same question. “I don’t know how you do it. Having one (or two) is hard enough!” And I reply that having one or two young children IS hard. I also remember those days. There was great joy, but also demands that sometimes strained my energy, patience, and time. There’s nothing condescending or patronizing about it because it’s true. Just because I have 8 kids doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten what it was like. I haven’t lost my long-term memory or my ability to empathize.  I don’t pity or look down on the moms of “only” one kiddo. My sister has one child and their family is beautiful in every way. In fact, I think moms of many and moms of one have far more in common than most realize. We both go against societal norms. We are both subject to questioning of our choices on a regular basis. Our lives are scorned, pitied, and often depicted in media as bizarre and/or unhealthy. I don’t presume to tell such a fantastic writer like Simcha what to title her posts, but maybe less feathers would have been ruffled had it been titled “first child” instead of “only.” I think first-time moms are more than capable of feeling joy and experience easy times with their little ones, but I think they often falsely assume that what they experience with their child, moms of many experience multiplied time eight.

Perhaps we need to all remember our pre school CCD less ons…..God made each of us special with our own special thoughts,feelings, and talents. There is no one better then another, we each are loved!! I thank him for my blessing/blessings!!

Beautiful.

I birthed 4 kids in 3.5 years and we are in the process of adopting #5 from Ethiopia. Whenever a mom asks me, “Which was hardest: going from 1 to 2, 2 to 3, or 3 to 4?” I always answer, “Going from 0 to 1 kicked my butt so bad that the rest were easy in comparison.”

I needed this. I get so stressed I feel guilty, knowing there’s just one and he’s mostly a mellow kid. Thank you.

to anyone who feels slighted or judged when reading this essay - you are reading WAY too much into it. This is written as a response to women who literally tell her, “I thought it was hard with just my one.” If you would never think or say such a thing, this wasn’t written for you. If your first reaction is to judge her because she didn’t think as you did/feel as you did/do as you did when she bravely confesses her difficulty with transitioning to be a mom, stop and ask yourself why are you compelled to judge her? She’s not trying to tell YOUR story, she’s telling HER story. And for those with fertility issues…when I miscarried late in the first trimester with my first pregnancy, I had four friends who all had due dates around when I would have been due with my child. Did it sting when I watched their bellies grow, their babies be born, and my due date come and go without having gotten pregnant again? Of course! But would I seriously expect them not to enjoy their blessing, talk about their experiences privately or publicly, or interpret their expressions of joy or frustrations as insensitive comment meant to hurt
me personally? No. That would be ridiculous and self-pitying of me. If reading articles about other people’s parenting experiences bothers you, then it’s your job not to read them, not the author’s job to somehow quash her joy enough to make you feel better.

Can’t say I agree with this at all…I had 1, yep go ahead and damn me one and all….1 child…I worked full time (went back to work when she was 6 weeks old cuz we had to eat), parented full time, and I enjoyed almost every minute of it.
A womans worth is not based on the number of children she has, adopts, or births. It is based on the results of our lives, careers, and how our children learn to “fly away” and give to our society.
My lovely daughter has chosen at this point to have NO children, that’s right again, NONE, zilch, nada. She may change her mind some day, but I will never condemn her decision one way or the other..it is her body, her life, not mine.
She is a special education coach, working with adult educators on best practises and teaching methodologies for special eduacation students, with an emphasis on autism. I couldn’t be prouder…
She learned early to be strong, outspoken, and independent. She learned that from me, so she says, and I guess that is true.
No being the mother of one is not hard, or hurtful, not did I have the time or wherewithal to sit around crying all day…I never felt sorry for myself, I chose to have 1 child, I chose to have no more than 1, because I knew what I wanted…no one has the right to judge others in their choices, and if you think I was selfish, so be it, everything I did was for my daughter and so she could have better than I.
I am blessed to have 1 very lovely, wonderful child, and if I had it to do again I would do it the same way.

The paragraph I found most poignant was this:

“When I had only one child, she was so heavy. Now I can see that children are as light as air. They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.”

I am the 57-year-old mother of a 32-year-old only child. I saw your blog, because she posted a link on Facebook. I was a single parent from the time she was 3 until she was 29 when I remarried. I don’t feel she was “so heavy,” but I did enjoy watching her float past me, nudging me at times. I still do!

She now has two children of her own and plans to have more, and I will watch her experience the same pride and joy!

Mother of seven here! I found this post absolutely beautiful.  So, so true.  Thank you so much for sharing!

Thank you! I also felt that having one child was very difficult. Although my third was the most demanding baby, the steep learning curve, and the questions of identity were very difficult.

This beautiful piece of writing is now circulating the internet, reaching the non-Catholic world as well. As someone not part of the Catholic tradition, I would like to say that you are truly doing God’s work. THIS is what it means to spread the word. Through compassion, love, understanding and reaching out to those across the board. As a single mother of one child, living in a beautiful place, I so related to this. It was as if someone reached inside my heart and helped carry the emotional burden for just a moment. Please don’t let the negative comments affect you…I think a few people completely missed the point, or just felt contrary that day. Make no mistake, this is a work of love, for all mothers and all children. Thank you.

This is such a wonderful gift to those of us struggling with parenthood, with one or ten. I see nothing in this article that says she felt sorry for herself or regretted motherhood or had time to sit around reading novels and bathing! I see an honest rendition of the unique difficulties of being a first time mother - those of you who say it was easy and you never felt frustrated or tired or unsure of yourself, so happy for you! You should definintely write a blog as well, so the rest of us can learn. I am the mother of one child - a beautiful one year old- and I SO appreciated these words. I am saving this article to read and re-read. The lesson, I think, is that yes, it’s really hard - it’s ok to admit that. But it goes by like water, and the difficulty of the transition is worth the person you become, and all that comes after. Thank you for a poem to parenthood!

I loved this article! I was the mother of one for 3 1/2 years. (We just welcomed our 2nd a few months ago.) My friends with multiple children would always tell me how lucky I was to just have one. While at many times I felt exactly how this article describes. Thank you for writing this!

oh man, I remember that…My oldest is 14 and 5 kids later the part about “being strong enough, to be the woman who will be left” is becoming more real. THanks for sharing

Mona

POIGNANT! 

Thank you for this, Simcha! 

My wife struggled mightily with our first child, who had special needs.  She nearly DIED from postpartum depression/anxiety.  New mom, baby with extra needs, all the same worries about not knowing what to do, magnified by a billion.  It was a viciously tough time for her.  And yes, we had many friends/family with many children doing “just GREAT!”  No one seemed to understand.  It made it harder for her, made her feel more isolated.  BY THE GRACE OF GOD SHE MADE IT THROUGH!

.......We now have more children and yes, it is much, much easier.  (especially for my wife)

BTW - anyone who has a problem with the “tone” of this article or is upset by it, has simply misunderstood.  No one is criticizing the infertile nor those who’ve not chosen to have more than one child. 

To all who posted here.  I pray for EACH of you.  May God bless and help you all in your struggles.  Especially those of you who grieve.  PEACE and love to you!

For years I have told those mothers, “It doesn’t matter how many or how few you have - it IS hard!You have a big job - keep up the good work!” Thank you for this great post!

Loved this !  The only difference for me is that while I am a mom to one child - I am a Single mom and I don’t have help coming home at the end of the work day—- I make it through each day with the help of my Savior Jesus Christ—He is my helper and not just at the end of the day but in every single second of the day !!!

This is so beautifully written.  Thank you thank you thank you for your thoughts.  It IS hard, no matter how many kids you have. And when I had only 1 child I, too, obsessed and fretted and made myself crazy.  I am so glad you put this into words.

Love this! I am the mother of two grown girls that are 17 1/2 months apart in age and, seriously? If I could go back and do it all over again, I’d have had 3 or 4 more.

Wow. The power of validation is…well…powerful!  I am an older mother (43) of one toddler and have often wondered if I need Prozac to stop clenching my teeth when he continually throws his sippy cup on the floor and refuse most foods I offer him.  I was used to having a career, being efficient and having a clean house.  Now I think “Oh God, what am I going to do today?” Thank you, Simcha, for helping to remove the guilt I feel for feeling this way when I know there are millions of other women who have many more children and many more obstacles to face than I do.  I needed a good cry!

I’m not buying it.  There’s no way having 1 child is harder than having 4 (like me).  When I had “only one”, I was bored stiff most the time, now I hardly ever have a minute to myself but that’s what I signed up for when I decided to have multiple kids.  I find it funny that you say you hated your husband because he “got to leave the house everyday”...did he go to work or did he go off and “play” for 8 hours?  There’s no way staying home with one kid is harder than going out and working for 8+ hours a day.  The only thing I did enjoy about this article is “the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.”  As a mother you just have to suck it up and do your best.  We need to stop telling women that “being a mother is the hardest job in the world” and start telling them “it’s the most important job in the world”.

Is there a paragraph or two in this article I can’t see that others can? What was “patronizing” and “condescending” about it? Funny how one person’s account of their own feelings and personal growth is taken as patronizing and condescending. If some find it so, well, that’s probably saying something about them, not the author. As always, Mrs. Fisher, well said. Someone said it above, I’l say it again: you are a treasure.

Thank you so much for this.  I have a son who just turned one and I needed to hear this.

Thank you so very much for these words! I wish I could have said it half as well as you did!
http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/

When I was the mother of only one child, my pediatrician told my husband that things would get better as I had more children.  After having four more children and now being a grandmother of 14, great grandmother of 2, I can say this is so true.  I am an only child and always said that I wanted to have 12 children - did not want an only child if God would allow me to have more than one - and I was and am so blessed.

I thought this was lovely, and such a joy to see so many blessed by it too. some of you ladies may like a website called ‘above rubies’ it is a blessing to many mums, whether they are mothers of many or mothers of none.

Holy christ, stop having babies.

This is the best description I have ever read of what it means to be a mom. Right now I have only one child. And the idea of becoming strong enough to be left, well, it terrifies me. I hope, I hope, I hope I’ll have some good breaking-in before we get there.

... we understand the right feeling of having a load of kids… we have 7, and a 8th on the road… :)

A thousand thanks from a mother of six! You hit the nail on the head. People say, “How did you do it?” They never believe it when I say, “Raising six is much easier than raising one or two”.

Furthermore, we took five children (two in diapers) on a 3-week vacation in New Zealand and Maui; two years later we took five to Scotland; and two years after that we took five and a baby to Europe.

I can vouch for the ease of multiples over one. Our daughter and four sons were close in age; then five years later our sweet Ellie came along. She was pretty much an “only” with (as she puts it) seven parents!

I loved this article.  Great job.  Also to Kristen, the 2nd commenter, if you happen to read this…wow.  We seem to be living the same life…seriously it was spooky to read that. I even had to double check that I didn’t somehow read this without remembering and then comment in my sleep or something.

Thank you for writing this. It felt like you were reading my mind. I have one, and have felt guilty when I get overwhelmed knowing others have more kids. I appreciate your thoughts and experiences.

Simcha, I am offended. 
There is a Ken-handsome white guy in a lightly snow-covered sweater on the sidebar of this page.  He is looking winningly at me, underneath banner of a Catholic Singles Conference, to be hosted in Denver.  2012.

Let me tell you I do not appreciate you posting an essay on a page with a stupidly handsome guy in a sweater.  It offends me as a married woman, as some kind of indictment of my horrible boring life with a less handsome husband.  And no snow or skiing.  Or, actually, sweaters that nice or teeth that white.  And Denver?!  Don’t get me started.

Also I just hear condescension seething off of the page at your implied diatribe against birth control; I know the banner says nothing about birth control but isn’t it obvious that such a white-bread Catholic man picture would also serve as a reminder that Catholics must not use birth control?  After all, any suggestion of ovaries—which this man’s gaze obviously leads me to think about—must then make me think of birth control. 

What a judgmental jerk.  You and the entire Catholic Register web page team.  All jerks.

How beautiful it is to be a mother.  I have one child, he is 9 and he is the centre of my universe.  I never thought of having another, but as the years have passed I long for the feeling of boredom; because I know that with that, I will again have the sheer delight of first tastes, roll overs & art work.  My ears long to have another miracle tell me that they ‘love me until the number stops..plus one’. God willing that day will come again.

I couldn’t believe how far down I had to scroll to get the chance to post something!!
That fact alone probably is more significant than anything I can add to the words of these beautiful women(and men) who have shared their souls with us all, to include you!
It is a great witness of hope for the future of the family and carries with it the certainty that the courage and generosity of young mothers is alive and well!
Thank you all!

I’m a mother of three having her 4th in just under five years and I often struggle with what to say or do when people give me that look of amazement, when I tell them how many kids I have and their ages.  I remember how overwhelmed I was with my first.  She took everything I had and more it felt like.  Somehow when my son came just over a year later, when my cup was already full, God gave me a bigger cup and more grace one day at a time to put myself second to their needs.  I do believe it’s a small miracle what I do everyday for my family.  But I am also humbled to know it’s not done on my own strength.  Whether you have one or ten, may you always have a full cup and an abundance of grace.

I’d also like to add something more from the perspective of a “mother of only one”. It is incredibly hurtful when mothers of 2+ think that because we only have 1, that we are somehow less than, or inadequate in comparison to them. I have one acquaintance in particular who does this to me often & not only does it make me sick with anger, it also hurts my feelings terribly. As if she we saying that I just “didn’t get” motherhood because I only have one child. I suffer from infertility as well as other health issues that are beyond my control, otherwise I’d have a house full of kids too. So that too just adds insult to injury. I am proud to say that I am able to lavish my daughter with attention, I have a healthy savings account prepared for her college years & for her wedding day. Those are some of the positives, a few of the negatives are that- she’s lonely, she WANTS siblings & I can’t give them to her, etc… Sometimes it’s not a choice that we “only have one”, I can only imagine the struggles you face, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that we don’t have struggles of our own- we DO- they’re just different.

I have no comment except goose bumps????

it’s interesting to note, the busy mothers only make nice comments, those against families have to resort to verbal abuse? what does this say about family? sue, contented mum of nine xx

Don’t litter.

I have to agree with Krissy’s comment here.  I am a mother of “only one child” and not by choice.  Although I hoping it was not the writer’s intent, I was offended reading this story.  How many times I have heard comments about only having one child.  Probably as many as those who have many hear comments about having many.  Everyone is entitled to have the number of children they want, but keep in mind there are many who, for whatever reason, do not have the number they want.

I am a mother of only one child. And there is a reson for it. A very good one actually. I was diagnosed with MS as a teen, and am barely able to make it through the day, so I can’t bear to think about having a baby right now. It hurts a lot that because of my relapse my husband and I can’t have our children as close together as we wanted. I resent this article because you didn’t say that having only one child is not a choice; it’s a fact of life. There are thousands more like me, and every time I read an article saying I’m too selfish for more. Yup nine children are hard. So is having only one child with a disability. I think both sides need to be presented. Your struggles involve nine children, mine struggle putting my son in his high chair without losing my balance and falling over. Don’t think I’m not struggling, it’s more than you realize.

Beautiful article.

Thanks for saying this, I think. I’m a single mother of an eight-year-old daughter, the only one I’ll ever have. I’ve been alone with her for seven years, may as well have been alone the first year. It’s a different dynamic than my friends who have three, five, seven, nine kids. But I grew up in a big family, I know what the deal is. Being a mom is hard no matter what.

Thank you a million times over for writing this. Moved me to tears.  I am a single mother of one little girl who is now 7.  It’s still hard, and my heart still aches and I’m not always sure which bits I’m getting right, and which bits I desperately need to change or let go. Your article moved me profoundly.  Thank you Xxo

AMAZING article. Love the story, honesty, and detail.

NINE!?!?

I think we need to worry less about maternal stress, and worry more about the planet.  It is a choice to have that many babies, people.

Thank you from a mother of three (6,5,3) who wonders daily how I get by and hopes each day I becoming a better mother, wife, daughter, sister and individual. Thank you.

That is beautiful.  Thank you.

David,your comment struck home with me. My husband is also a stay-at-home dad and he has found it lonely as well. When my kids were toddlers, he’d take them to the park sometimes to play. There would usually be a gaggle of women sitting there talking while their kids played. Invariably though, as soon as he showed up, they would get up, gather their kids and leave. Guess they thought he was using the kids as a prop. Like any full-time parent, you need to make time for yourself. Get together with friends to watch a game, go to a “meet-up” group for an activity you are interested in, etc. I hope your wife is supportive and understanding. God bless.

I a child of 10 kids, bless my mothers heart! Not trying to be a “one - upper” I think being a parent of even one child would be very tough, (especially if your a single parent)  and it’s sad to see so many comments about woman who feel like they have been belittled by other mothers because they only have one child, Everyone is different! some chose only to have one child, big deal! (no one knows their personal circumstances!) I always wished I was an only child growing up because I would have gotten all the attention :)  i was a selfish little brat! hah Isn’t it better to be a GREAT mother of one or two than a crappy mother of 6 or 7? Back to my mother, she is a great mom! we were all in the house at one point (very crazy!) she did a great job of keeping things in order. but the thing i respect her most for was she NEVER once complained of it,(least not around us! hah) not even on the worst days!  However I still don’t get how anyone can complain about being a mother. last time I checked it was a choice and yes it is probably harder than anything I will ever do but at the same time. Anyone who has a child, chose to!  If you think parenting will be tough or your not ready for it there is a very very unbelievably simple fix:  DON’T HAVE SEX!  And also, my heart goes out to anyone who has only been blessed to have 1 child, that must be very difficult to deal with. However I myself am one of 4 Adopted children and that is always an option. :)  there are millions of family-less children who would love a loving family! wow this is getting long!!! Great Article! Have mad respect for all mothers!! The job that is 24/7, weekends and holidays!

This reminds me of you!  Keep up the great work with vinny!

I had to read this to my husband, amazing! Its as though you read my mind. My question to people with multiples is this: While you are with your one child and completely exausted, stressed and out of your element, what flips the switch for you to one day say to yourself, “I think we should have a second child.” How were you able to say to yourself that having two would be better than one?

Not everyone who has only one child is living in sin, contracepting, thinks it is just too hard with only one that they refuse to be open to more, it’s just not like that.  But perhaps just as rare to be found is the large family is the family with one who does not use birth control and refuse life.  The needles in the haystack are out there, nonetheless and as Catholics we need to support and not tear each other down.

This was so beautiful. I’ve always wanted two children, but have had such an unexpectedly hard time with one that I am scared to have another. This was very moving. Thank you. Thank you.

Not everyone who has only one child is living in sin, contracepting, thinks it is just too hard with only one that they refuse to be open to more, it’s just not like that.  But perhaps just as rare to be found is the large family is the family with one who does not use birth control and refuse life.  The needles in the haystack are out there, nonetheless and as Catholics we need to support each other.

I’m now a grandmother and it’s the best yet!  I raised 3 wonderful children and it goes by in a flash, really.  But when you do it right, you are so proud of your adult children and they really surprise you by how much they picked up that you weren’t even aware they were listening to or watching as you taught them by good example.  I’m here to say if you do it right, they will always come home to visit and will always love you.  Why?  Because you are Mom and no one can ever take your place in their hearts.  Love your children enough to work yourselves out of a job, and be sure to set rules and limits while encouraging them to be the people they were meant to be instead of who you might force them to become.  Most of all enjoy them as much as you can, along with the runny noses, piles of laundry, and daily chaos that is part of parenthood.  It’s the toughest job you will ever have and the most important!

That’s not having one kid; that’s postnatal depression. There’s a difference. Glad you don’t suffer it any more.

My mother had 10 children. The honest truth is, they never left. She had visitors daily. And those visits eventually became full of grand kids and great grand kids at the same time. There are now 24 grandkids and great grandkids When you have 10 children, trust me, you will never be alone. Even when she passed, she was surrounded by every adult child, daughter/son in law, and grandchild. It was astounding to realize this amazing legacy of life that was left behind by just one mother.

i am happy i have one

I am a father of seven and one on the way - due in August thank you. Yes they are a product of one marriage to answer the question coming from you non-Catholics out there. We did cheat and adopt two. However I remember clearly when my wife and I had, what we now call, single child syndrome. We laugh at our selves when we see it in others because we were just like them (we do not laugh at them). It is just a stage. Even if you stay a single-child parent you move beyond the syndrome. We all hovered over our single child. When I am ask how hard it is with seven, I always tell the single mom or dad, it gets easier the more children you have. At different ages our children became diaper runners, holders, rockers, dressers. Later they became sitters, cabbies, friends, coaches, tutors, mentors -  and defenders from bullies.

I have one…and it is blissfully easy.

I loved this article. We were blessed with one child. Although my husband and I wanted to have several children -  God had different plans for us. Having one child has been a great blessing for us. We didn’t find it hard…we found that it came quite naturally for us and was rewarding and peaceful. We were ready to be parents and we enjoyed raising our daughter. She is such a delight to us.  We had a lot of love to share 28 yrs ago and were ready to share it with more children but weren’t given the opportunity. God knows what is best for all of us!!  We are still counting our blessing of being given “only” one child.

I am a mother. No qualification. God called me to do this. The number DOESN’T matter. There is no eternal yardstick by which we are measured. Kindness & sisterly support should be our cry. Mothers are in my prayers. Those with so many children they cannot see the floor in their houses but frequently see the bottom of the checkbook! Those with fewer children whose hearts yearn for more. Those with one who are the constant mom/playmate. Mother carries the challenges and rewards that do not exist in any other title. Know the moments of blessing for what they are and the ones that aren’t such a blessing for what they are. Mere moments. Be present in both. Love & prayers to you all.

That was beautiful. Thank you.

I am a mother one AGAIN. My first is 15 and my second is 4 months. It is hard! I am learning everything over again and despising it just as much. But I know now how fast it flies by and I will try not to take the tiny moments for granted as much this time around.

Great article! One was hard, but for me three was hardest.  After that it just got easier because as they got older they weren’t all depending on me for everything.

Lovely, thank you. I am a single parent of a wonderful son who is now 21 and I am sick to death of hearing how “easy” it or must have been to have “only” one. Easy, my ass! Thank you for shedding some much needed light :)

Lovely, thank you. I am a single parent of a wonderful son who is now 21 and I am sick to death of hearing how “easy” it is or must have been to have “only” one. Easy, my ass! Thank you for shedding some much needed light :)

I am a mother one AGAIN. My first is 15 and my second is 4 months. It is hard! I am learning everything over again and despising it just as much. But I know now how fast it flies by and I will try not to take the tiny moments for granted as much this time around. And to all those who feel like they’ve been attacked here, take a step back for a moment. This isn’t about whether you can or can not have more than one. I found it supportive. It’s not about you.

Beautiful. I reflected on my own transition to motherhood last year in this post. There are parallels indeed…

http://lusaorganics.typepad.com/clean/2011/07/what-i-did-not-know-reflections-on-motherhood-.html

“now i can see that children are as light as air” is a beautiful sentiments, a gorgeous turn of phrase, and exactly how i want to see my son.

I am a “Mother of one child” and love every minute of it.  Wouldn’t change a thing and life is good!

As a mama to one toddler, I just want to respectfully comment that I have not experienced this “living in terror” which the author contributes to having only one child. Being plagued by fear has a deeper causation than the number of children a person has! You can be fearful with one child or twelve, and you can have peace with one child or twelve. Having more children does not result a greater degree of peace; but one’s surrender to and relationship with God does.

I have to agree with what some of the others said… true, true, true arrogance at its best!!!!  And to the person who said, “selfishly chose to have only one child.”  Really?  Having multiple children is selfish - the strain you put on the economy, the strain you put on the future of all these children who will inevitably have to deal with overpopulation and an enormous lack of resources.  Hop back into your minivan (that countless soldiers had to die for, for you to put gas into) and continue overburdening our school systems!  Disgusting!!!!

I am the mom of one, yes , ONE child.  This is what God had in store for me and I am so proud of him.  Thank you, God :)

Strong article, but as a 1-child parent who probably won’t have more, I have mixed feelings after reading it. Also, I can’t help but notice most of the positive comments come from parents of multiples or parents who call themselves “first-time parents” (if you are truly a parent of an only you lose that label by your kid’s 3rd birthday—preferably sooner as it becomes self-derogatory).

While this article is powerfully-written, there is generalizing and that is a tad condescending. The tone comes off as saying single-child parents “have it harder,” because they are terrified, inexperienced, bored, unconfident and chase their kids around with bubble wrap. While all stereotypes are based off some truth (this is how they become stereotypes after all) it’s like if someone with an only wrote a piece about people to multiples saying their job is harder, because they have no time to themselves and the children are more likely to have problems because they end up neglected. Both generalizations are exactly that—generalizations, and they can sound great to everyone except the poor souls being generalized.

The truth is every parenting situation is different, and what might be easy to one person isnt always easy to another. I think the best way to parent is to be honest about both your dreams and limitations—as well as those of your children and read, read, read. If you can find something close to a balance your job will never be as hard as others want to believe—whether you have one child or twenty.

I am writing this kniwing it will most definetly not be posted, because this is a catholicsite and secular views are judged, even though the god you so strongly believe in tells you not to. I believe you, the women with multiple children are unfufilled in you lives/ marriages and supplement them with as many childrenbas possible to complete what you will not ot could not have ever achieved. Thank you so kuch for burdenng our society with more children that need depenence, rather than looking to the hundreds of thousands that recieve little or no attention at all. I considerball of you extremly selfish to have nine bioliogical children. Come on women! That is absolutely absurd to feel the need to push that many children from your womb for your own satisfaction. Why could to not take in eight children from an impoverished country and show them the same love you show your economically detrimental biological children? Look at the population statistics, of the world and try and tell me i am wrong. I read your horrendous, although well written article, and was appalled at the ignorant responses it recieved. Even though i believe the catholic church will not allow my post to be published, i encourage the leaders of such religious belief to research population statistics and realize that while encouraging women to reproduce to the best of their ability to further supplement their religion/ cause/ reason for being is beneficial to your “church” it is definetly not beneficial to the human race.

I just wanted to say to be thankful for just even one child, because how would you feel if you could not even be a mother of one child.
I’m almost 49 years old and my health would not let me have a child.
I never could afford to even adopt a child.
Thank GOD that you can be a mother and that one day you may be blessed to be grandmother.  I will never know what this is like.

I’m completely shocked that people are offended by this.  Is ther some kind of undertone in the catholic church that you’re supposed to have a large family?  My husbands family is catholic, but everyone uses birth control (some permanent).  I can’t fathom some of the thongs moms are reading into this.

You hit the nail on the head!  I absolutely, 100% agree with every word.  I have a 9-year-old daughter and 1-year-old twins, and everyone always shakes their heads at me and says “How do you do it with twins? I can barely manage ONE baby!” and I just smile and nod, because I remember what it was like, too…

To the person who is trying to figure out why i never could even have one child , let me tell you what happened.
I had tumors when I was in my early 20’s and had to have a complete Hysterectomy before my husband and I even had time to have our own child.
I get lonely without having children and I will never know what it is like to be called by the beautiful name grandmother.
And life can be lonely and boring without a child to love.
Children and babies are a blessing from GOD and should be treated like this.

To the mothers/fathers of 1 who found some encouragement and validation, that is wonderful and I am glad for it.  To those who feel the need to scold those of us “just one” parents for voicing our feelings honestly, albeit slightly bitterly- were you able to hear the hurt and sadness in the responses?  I too have “just one”, my “only one”, who as a gift from God is a shining part of my life.  Whether out of selfishness or life circumstances, I have not had more yet.  I want more, I pray for more and anyone within a 1000 mile radius of me can hear my biological alarm clock screaming at me, but every time my husband and I think we’ll try for more, life gets in the way.  Please be more understanding when we “just one’s” get a little defensive and voice that we feel this article was condescending.  Please be understanding when we show our chip on our shoulder.  We are expected to understand that “moms of many” struggle, please give us the same respect.  I see very much that Simcha is trying to give us that dignity in her writing, but it is my right to feel and voice that “hey…not so much appreciated.”  I have spend years taking care of other women’s children through my job…am I selfish that in making my “mommy move” to be with my son more I struggled significantly with my move away from my career and advancement?  Am I a bad Christian that I chose to use artificial birth control because I felt it would be wrong to bring another child into a financial situation that probably wouldn’t allow for stability?  Am I rude and irreverent to the blog writer in voicing that although she is truly saying “hey, mom’s cut yourself some slack, we all have struggled and no matter what…parenting is hard”...all I want to do is scream back at her “who are you to tell me you know what I feel and struggle with!”?  No. No. and No.  Thank you Simcha for your entry.  No thanks to those who feel they “not judge lest they be judged” in response to a hurting woman who has courage enough to voice her pain publicly.

I’m going to start a punk band called the HOW DARE YOUS for all you humorless Moms who find an insult in everything. Now THAT’S condescending for real and—unlike Simcha—I did it on purpose. You’re welcome.

And you population hysterics… well, I’ll get to you when you learn to spell.

It amazes me how many people read something negative into this piece.  If it didn’t speak to you, it wasn’t meant for you.  This letter was addressed to moms-of-one who feel guilty for thinking their lives are hard, particularly when compared to the lives of moms-of-many.  If you were the perfect Mom who never had a single moment of resentment or difficulty adjusting to motherhood, well, this isn’t for you.  Move along and don’t waste your energy being offended.  If you have been a mother-of-one for many years and have learned the lessons through time that Simcha learned through multiple children, you should understand the point she is making and smile in remembrance at how inexperienced you were those first years.  This article in no way belittles moms who have only one - by choice or by circumstance - it is simply an encouragement to new moms who are struggling with becoming something different than they were…and for many of us, most of us I would think, it is hard.  And for those of you who are worried about overpopulation…what are you even doing reading an article about parenting?  You shouldn’t be reproducing - how irresponsible are you?  Or maybe just hypocritical.

Simcha, this was a beautiful article.  Thank you.  I did find the transition to motherhood difficult, beautiful and the best thing I’ve ever done, but difficult.  I look around and think I must be crazy to think this is hard, but I know that I am not alone and that helps.

This is so beautiful.  I love it.

We are all blessed by our own personal circumstances. I am a mother of one, always have been, and always will be. My now 12.5 year old son has mild to moderate autism. I can vividly remember what it was like when he was a baby; he wouldn’t sleep, was always fussy and had melt downs I couldn’t understand. Everyone kept telling me all those behaviors were normal—well, they weren’t. I couldn’t imagine having another baby who could be so inconsolable, but things did eventually get better and then God decided for me that I would not have any more children because I had to have a hysterectomy. Today, I’m grateful for my child and love and accept him for who he is. Although, I’m afraid that I’ll be the one to leave him first.

Amazing. Thank you. I have tears in my eyes.

I love you Simcha!! I have tried (through foggy mommy brain) to explain this so many times! You put it do perfectly! The first time, adapting to that new world, that new, oh so sleep deprived self, THAT is the hardest phase of motherhood, as far as I can tell. Probably second to empty nest. I’ll let you know when I get there.

Love it!  So well put!  Thank you for sharing an uplifting article.  Love it!

This article is beautifully written and full of good sentiment.
My personal transition from “non-mother” to “mother” was not the exact same as yours… mainly because I had triplets the first time.  (And no, I did not have fertility treatments!)  So I thought it was interesting how you discussed your own personal experience with being new at motherhood.  I learned something from a smart woman.  (As for me… I felt that way at times too… but mostly I was too overwhelmingly tired to ruminate!  Which, as you say, can be a blessing with multiple kids.  A blessing you realize, later).
Everytime you write something so poignant, and it explodes all over facebook, some people will always find offense.  Being anonymous does not help matters.  Like they say, you can’t please everyone all the time.  Human nature.
As for the people blasting larger families for leaving a bigger carbon imprint… as an enviromentalist, I completely understand… but as a mother, please don’t judge.

Amazing & true!!!! Having had 4 kids in a span of 4 1/2 years, #4 was easiest because I had found out who the mom in me was, but the first kid I was a wreck! I didn’t know what I was doing & who knew that a 9m old could have a quarter inch deep indent in his head and it didn’t mean a brain injury because they were just soft?! Mother of one will find her groove eventually & learn to be okay with not being perfect! Kudos to this article!

I am a mother of just 1 9mo old baby boy, and I’m crying. You just said everything I feel on a daily basis, but didn’t know how to put into words. Thank you.

Great article.
Families of all sizes are beautiful.
As an environmentalist, I wish people would not judge parents that have more than two children.  Not only because I had triplets—with NO fertility treatments!—but because parents have the right to try and have larger families, if they wish.  I think this should be respected as much as our Mother Earth.

what a beautifully worded piece.  Bravo.

@Simcha: Thankyou for a lovely reflection on motherhood.

@Corita: Your post was hillarious and brilliant in light of some of the bizzare angry posts on here. Thanks for that. :)

Thank you… I so needed this right now.

Thank you!  I’m mom of 5 yr old & am not having anymore children. I always feel inadequate bec I struggle with “only one” child whilst moms of multiples seemingly can run circles around me.

This article reminds me of my first, I remember thinking I could never have more than one, because it was so stinkin hard! But It does get easier with more. I think that’s all the author intended in writing this: one can be exhausting but if you want more, you can do it, don’t be discouraged! If one wasnt hard for you, she obviously wasn’t talking to you!
Also, last time I checked how many children people have is up to them and God Almighty. How DARE you judge people for having as many kids as they want 1,9 or 20 as long as they are being nurtured and cared for, what difference does it make to you? Don’t like families with multiples? Move to China.

Thank you, no one has captured my moments as you have. I just hope you’re right and I’ve done the best I can for him. And now that he’s 8, I kinda wish I had a few more to hang on to…

“..Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.” As a woman about to enter the stage of being left this article resonates strongly. When I started out nearly 23 years ago I was terrified of getting it all wrong. Now I think I’m simply gratedful for having had the opportunity to get it wrong sometimes & right sometimes. to watch my girls grow into beautiful & independent women. Part because of me & partly in spite of me. Best thing I ever did in my life - becoming a mother!

Wow!  It’s amazing how people see the ame words so very differently based on their personal experiences.  Although, I expected this article to be sarcastic since I am a mother of twins and constantly got that “handful” and “how do you do it”...  I even got the “I don’t envy you…” Alternatively from my original expectation, I feel you were actually attempting to exercise empathy. I actually had 3 babies in 6.5 months.  My friends with one woudl say, they can’t complain, they only have one.  I would always respond with Sleep depreivation, is sleep deprivation…it doesn’t matter if you have one or 6!”  Yes, children are a true blessing, but even those who waited for years (like my husband and I) to be blessed with children (and we ended up with 4 in less than 3 years)...you have got to be kidding yourself if you say it’s not hard!  This article and it’s responses gave me something else though.  I am truly valuing the different ways families come together and I am reminded too of how we all should try and be less judgmental. Thanks for the post.

Beautifully written.  As a mother of an “only,” I agree.

How do I stop receiving email notifications? I have unchecked the box but they keep coming.

All I can say is that motherhood at first was pure misery and I think that women feel under pressure to keep on this facade that it’s not.  It seems you also tried to keep that facade up.  I would like to see more honesty instead of romanticizing what motherhood is—the reality of what it is for many, many women.  I found being a stay-at-home-mother to be a totally wrong fit for me.  For some it’s great.  I thought your article was quite condescending in tone and irritating.  Maybe it’s just me.  I don’t like nice-nice “fakery” and this is exactly how your article came off.  Maybe it’s real for you but it’s quite delusional for the rest of us.

I don’t Agree I think having one is easier, it’s so nice to go to the store it’s not hectic and crazy like people I know that have 2 or 3 or more.  Our lives are nice and enjoyable not hectic and we have time to sit and have those quiet time where no one is running around.  Don’t get me wrong I want one more but there are kids in the world who do not have anyone so why do people keep over populating by having 4 or more kids that’s what is crazy to me!

Great essay about motherhood

I had my first child in June. I am surrounded by siblings with multiples who make it look so easy. Thank you so much for this. No one ever told me. I have felt like the worst mother in the world for the exact same feelings you wrote. Thank you so much.

What a great article for mothers to read, but especially for young mothers just entering the journey of motherhood. One of my daughters has seven children and one daughter has only one.  Both of them have different challenges. Thanks for not downplaying the struggles of mom’s with one child.

I am a mom to 5 kids aged 14,12,9,7 and 4, two girls and three boys. Becoming a mom for the first time is hard, becasue your life changes forever, but is that not the choice you made ? Nobody said being a mom is easy, it is hard work 24/7.

As an adult only child and the mom of an only, I found these comments to be condescending. Being a parent is challenging no matter how many children you have. The challenges with only 1 child are different than the challenges with more than one, but the are all challenges. Not harder, not easier, not worse, not better.  Different.  The idea that “life is hard” when you’re mom to “only” one is because you’re inexperienced and bored is rude and simply wrong.

There is a significant difference between being a mom to an “only” while passing time waiting for the next ones to come along and being a mom to a true only child.  As kids age your experience level changes, you attitudes change, your child changes.  You don’t stay bored and inexperienced forever.  Even if you have only one child.

This made me cry. SO true.

If the phrase only one child offends you or you find it derogatory perhaps you should do some soul searching to find out why you have such negative feelings about having only one.

I am a mother and grandmother. I was guided to this post by one of my daughters. I am amazed at the variety of comments I have read. I would hope that as we see the different ways people express their joys and sorrows, happiness and frustrations, we will gleam a new insight into how to be supportive of one another. As the mother of seven I can agree with the article.  I felt it was beautiful but these discussions help us see that everyone has their difficulties to bear but remember, we are all joined together under one cross. I am always more critical of my mothering than my children. They tell me I was the best. In our home I never stopped reminding our children who made it possible for me to be with them. My husband worked very hard and missed alot of things so that I could be at home. This was a decision we made and felt was important. Thank you to him and may he be given a comfy chair in Heaven.

I hate to admit it but I really needed to read this.  I am the mother with only one child who is struggling everyday just to get her to potty and take naps.  Struggling to find ways to get her to eat. Thank you for writing this. It made me realize that maybe I’m really not doing anything wrong. Everyday is filled with learning “adventures” as I call them.  We trya certain way of doing something and if it doesn’t work we come up with a new way to get the task done. At the end of the day we are glad it’s bedtime.

Heather, you wrote: If the phrase only one child offends you or you find it derogatory perhaps you should do some soul searching to find out why you have such negative feelings about having only one.

Newsflash.  It isn’t the phrase only one that was offensive. It was implying that the reason being a parent to an only is hard is because we’re inexperienced, scared, bored people with nothing better to do.

And if the questions about large families are so offensive to you ... maybe you should search your soul to find out why you have such negative feelings about having a large family.

Nine kids. Seriously? As beautiful as this piece may come off- by tapping into the collective emotions of raising children felt by all, do the earth a favor and stop breeding. Good god…

Maryann,

That’s just ridiculously rude. Family size is an intensely personal decision.  While I don’t agree with the article and I find her “observations” certainly don’t apply to any of the only child families I know (and I’m more than a bit miffed at how she portrays moms of onlies) ... I find your comment to be even more offensive.  There is simply no need at all for that kind of intentional cruelty.  You should be ashamed of yourself.

This article has some merit to it.  I have two and have found a few uplifting bits in it as a take-away.  I honestly don’t get why moms pit against eachother.  Do they have nothing else to do?  Have as many or as little children as you want and feel about it the way you choose to feel about it.  It’s that simple.  Guys don’t care as much about stuff like this.  We all need to start thinking like guys..and get over ourselves.  One, two or ten children later.  No one cares except you.

Having no children, no boyfriend/husband, no empathy and no support groups to join for being childless at 40 years old is even harder than having the blessing of a husband and one child. I wish I had the opportunity to have one child. :(

So many heart-warming and heart-wrenching stories! I’m 60 years old. My only child is 34. Over a year ago, he suddenly decided in a drunken rage that we are too horrible and selfish to be in his presence. Not my proudest moment. I haven’t seen him since, nor have I seen the grandson they had in that time. I did my best as a parent. I went through all the pain and anguish and joy and sleeplessness. It has been a roller-coaster of a ride. I have learned, though, that time passes. No storm lasts forever, just as no bliss lasts forever. I grieve and sorrow for those who are going through difficult times. I pray for your happiness. I came to just say that sometimes all it takes is for time to pass for things to change. I cling to that right now and wait.

To complain about how hard it is to raise one kid when some women never have the opportunity to get married or to ever have a child of their own is very upsetting to me. I am 40 single and childless. I love children. They are a blessing. Even just one. I have been a teacher for the last 15 years taking care of others children. Now I am totally and completely alone. Go hug your one child. Go laugh with you one child. And be grateful you have one child and a husband.

Wow, totally.  Reading this my life makes sense, who had a nervous break-down when my first was ten months, ended up separated from a difficult husband at his behest for ten months, got back together and waded through six more pregnancies losing two half-way with adrenal fatigue—but I always say, “It is so much easier now with five kids!  They look after each other, they have people to play with, they are entertaining each other, they are a perfect society for fun, for Bible time, for home schooling…I feel so much happier and laid-back!”  It is much easier with more kids.  Thanks for writing.  (and now my husband is diagnosed with Fronto-temporal lobe epilepsy so I am much more at peace about what happened in the past :)  God is good, Jesus is Healer)
MB

Maybe you should read Bill McKibben’s “Maybe One” and realize the enormous environmental impact creating children have on the planet. http://www.billmckibben.com/maybe-one.html

I have a great deal of pity for the author. It must be hard to be surrounded by so many woman who have a single child that go around questioning her choices. I do pity her choice in company, most moms with only one child would never dream of being so rude.

Clearly though, this has made her feel not only bitter about the questioning but also left her feeling that she has to prove her superiority in a article that was as rude about it as possible. 

I hope this article let her vent.

Well spoken.  I have 8 children and people think I am a godess of something. I never know how to respond to them when they apologize for having “just” one child.  Mothering is a total transformation of our nature.  It is calling us outside ourselves to love so much we would die for someone else and sometimes living feels like dying.

I am the mother of 11; the article is so true; today my youngest at 25 is moving out of my house; my husband and I will truly be empty nesters for the first time in 41.5 years. I have daughters who can’t have children and would love to. I am an only child. One child or 11—you are a mother either way. Take care of that child as if they were the only one in the world.

Thank you, Simcha, for your delightful and insightful article. Thank you for modeling a truly faithful Christian openness to life through the Covenant and Sacrament of Matrimony and the practice of natural family planning. I first started reading your column, Simcha, when searching for articles about the Catholic Church always being right. You were and are such a blessing for those of us who love the Catholic faith. To the dissenters: to be faithful Christians, a married male and female must be open to life at all times never using that which contracepts/ obstructs God’s plan for procreation. He is the Giver and we are the receivers. We, who think we can control our destiny, are arrogant and will be humbled quickly, if we are lucky. When we shun the Creator’s plan for His creation we all suffer. We must be good stewards of the sexual gift. We need to know some facts. Contraceptives can cause spontaneous abortions (how many of your children have you unintentionally killed by not knowing the facts that the Catholic Church provides?). The birth control pill contains 150 carcinogens and over time makes the mucous membrane of the womb too thin for implantation. The IUD prevents implantation of the fertilized egg. Abortions cause depression and breast cancer and sometimes death to the mother. A dear friend of my daughter’s just had a double mastectomy because of breast cancer. She had two abortions in high school and suffered depression for years. Please, mothers and fathers, let’s be good stewards of God’s gifts. God knows what we need for a truly happy and fulfilling life. Let us not thwart His plans. When we do, destruction occurs. When we love someone as much as we love God, we want to do what He asks of us. If we are humble, grateful and prayerful He will help us to thrive mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is never too late in life to dedicate ourselves to living the truth.

bgorbie and all the mothers of one who read to much into this. as a mother who has been the mother of one she speaks of ....and a mother of three now….you just dont get her point of this and I feel sorry for you because what an amazing article this is. Apparrently you couldn’t possibly understand if and until you have more than one. Don’t worry…it is all a growing and learning process for new mothers so I am sure the author understands your misunderstanding.

As only ever having one child, who is about to leave for college, it is a very emotional time. Probably because I have always worked full time, I learned early on to especially cherish our time together. Not having more at home behind him will mean a big adjustment to life he leaves.

It truely amazes me that one mother reaching out to another and acknowledging her struggles is offensive to some.  To most of us, it made us cry and I personally thought the message was powerful.  I have two children by choice and I realize how blessed I am!  I remember how I felt for 3 years having just one and the words made me laugh and cry.  I was raised as an only child and I always hated it.  I knew that when I had kids, if I could, I would have more than one.  To those of you that berated others for having more, were you only children?  It wasn’t until I had my own children that I finally understood how selfish I was…...only children are inherantly selfish.  At least I was.  I feel for those that have struggled with fertility, let’s just not judge others but instead reach out and support each other, whatever our circumstances.  WWJD?

My husband told me once:  parenting is like basketball,  with one you double team the child,  with two you switch to man to man, with three you go zone once the zones are set, it doesnt matter how many more you add, your set.  then after a few years the older ones switch teams and start helping with the younger ones. 

now we have seven amazing children and it is usually a pleasure to be their mom, yes, I know that it’s not always easy, but my children always make it worth it, especially when I get the hugs and the texts that “mom, I will always love you”  so worth it

Oy!! What a self-congratulating, condescending piece of drivel. I want the few minutes that I wasted reading this crap back!!
“Feel sorry for mothers of ‘only one’??? How about the fact that some of us choose to NOT have litters, and think that those who do are being completely negligent to the brood they create by having the siblings be responsible for raising the younger ones and completely irresponsible to the Earth!
See the movie Idiocracy! This is it in action!!

Amen…  By God I needed to read this today.  Thanks so much.  =)

NINE kids????????? Really???? It’s a UTERUS!!! NOT a Clown Car!!!

What is the the point of all of this? Parenting is a full-time job and should require our attention and devotion. Being responsible for young children takes physical and emotional strength no matter how many you have. Simcha Fisher needed mental health counseling as a new mother because she lacked those capabilities. Having more children is not the answer. Being clear in your understanding of motherhood through reflection and support most certainly is.

“...only children are inherantly selfish.” Wow…glad you were hopefully only speaking for yourself.

Anyone who found this article offensive was looking to be offended.  I have a large family and people are ALWAYS saying “I have only (whatever the number is) and I am overwhelmed”.  Simcha is writing an upbeat aricle saying don’t compare yourself to others. And I am tired of people saying you must be a saint.  The number of children you have is not an automtic ticket to heaven.  Simcha was responding to her experience - if you are upset this article doesn’t address your experience you need to do some soul searching.

That passage was wonderful. I only have 3 and wish I could have more. But boy, did I feel the same way with one and wonder where all that extra time we had has gone too.

I am at the stage of being left, little by little, my sons have been away to boot camps, one in the Army for the past 4 years, one in the Navy and to college. It is like the fluttering of wings as they fly away and return to the nest again for transitions from military to civilian life and a trip to college in town because it is so expensive these days to carry it all and fly away. This article brings that home to me, to become the woman who will be left, so much what it is like on the other side of motherhood.

Dear Simcha, God bless you and your husband and those precious lives you have been granted the privilege to influence with your many gifts; most of all your love. Parenthood is the noblest vocation in the universe. It only makes sense that it is also the hardest. But it also brings the greatest joy and the most meaning to our lives. The paragraphs you wrote discussing how we become the protectors who can’t always protect, who feel never alone and become strong enough to be left, struck a tender chord in my broken heart. I am a mother of 4 sons. Our 3rd son, SrA Daniel James Johnson was an EOD Journeyman for the USAF (also known as the bomb squad). It was so very hard to “let him” go into that field, but of course by then he was a man and I had no choice. I did have a choice regarding how I would behave and I chose to express to him that though I am afraid, I did raise him with the fervent prayers that he would become a strong, determined, deeply compassionate man. Boy did those prayers come back to haunt me! Who could be stronger, more determined or more compassionate than a man who disarms bombs and IEDs in order to save others? I chose to tell him that I respect his choice and I choose to support him, though I was still frightened that he would be hurt and I hate war and what it does to people. I can still see his confident smile as he reminded me he would be saving lives, not taking them, so he was not worried about it hurting his soul. He had also been trained as an EMT. In early October 2010 while he was training National Afghan soldiers how to disarm IEDs, one of the soldiers inadvertently triggered an IED and was severely wounded. The assigned medic declared the soldier’s wounds to be mortal wounds. Daniel did not agree and provided life saving combat medical care and single-handedly coordinated the med-evac. We were notified of this courageous and selfless act several days later when we were being notified that 2 days later, on October 5, 2010 our Daniel was killed by an IED that had been deliberately placed in the safe zone where Daniel was resting his weary body after many long days of disarming IEDs and training others to disarm and to safely dispose of these weapons of war. One of the hardest issues for me was that I was not there to protect my baby. My soul screamed out with anguish as I had to accept the knowledge that I did not protect my child. I am a woman who was left… am I strong enough to endure this? I do have 3 other sons, who have all grown up too and are living their own passionate lives. To anyone who is reading this, you may be thinking, “how do you ever survive? How do you ever find joy again? Please be assured that you can. We have. Peace and joy are always available for us to chose.  It will never again be the innocent joy I once knew. It is now a much deeper joy grounded in peace and weighted with the deepest of sorrows. However, we do have joy, real joy. It helps our family to know that our Daniel was a man of great faith. Every facet of his young life reflected his faith. I was privileged to meet with the young man who tried to save my Daniel’s life. He said to me that he will never forget the peace in Daniel’s eyes as he fervently tried to save his life to no avail. I pray daily for Mark and his family. He has to live with these excruciating horrors of war for the rest of his life. Thank you Simcha for sharing your wisdom about motherhood. Even after this experience I find your words moving and comforting in a bittersweet way.
Sincerely,
Holly

Thanks for putting into words of what mothers, of any current number of children feel.  It made me cry tears of joy and exhaustion, at the same time.  When we learn to live truly in the service of others, we find our calling, and in the process, we find God and our salvation.

Janelle- I know and I will pray for you.

The Lord wants us to be good stewards in ALL areas..this includes bringing children into the world, whether you are called to bring in 1 or 10. Just be a good steward….methinks people who choose to have more than a couple are not thinking about the future costs….how in the world are you gonna send all these kids to college?? we’re not poor or rich…but somewhere i nthe middle and it’s a STRUGGLE to send our oldest to a Christian college without a mound of debt. We have 2. I truly cannot imagine more than that in this economy. be good stewards.

It’s so true! All of it, so true. And so eloquently put. Thank you!

You, Simcha, are a first class writer. Many, many thanks for having the courage to name our darkest thoughts, to make these thoughts bearable by placing them in context of the epic and divine, to tell us we need never add shame to the burdens we already carry.

Thanks for the moving article! Wish I had heard words like this 18 years ago. I now have 3 wonderful teens, by God’s grace.

I did it right, then. They all left home, but I will tell you that on the first day of college for my youngest child, I found that I was the one who wasn’t ready. I know it doesn’t seem like it amid diapers, school reports, and hungry children, but they really do float right past you. In 18 years you will stand in the hallway of a college dorm and wonder where the years went and why they had to go by so fast.

This is a great post.  I am a new mother, with a 6 week old.  This is exactly what I am experiencing right now.  It was good to read these words and know that I am not alone in what I am going through.

“NINE kids????????? Really???? It’s a UTERUS!!! NOT a Clown Car!!!”

I LOLed.  What other option is there?

To all the haters, and people who worship the false God of environmentalism:  Get on a plane.  Fly from coast to coast, look down.  Our fair country is nearly empty.  Do your homework honestly.  You act like agenda driven sheep.  There is not an *overpopulation* problem.  There is a *hate* problem, a *selfishness* problem, a rising of the cult of *me*.  Clearly people begin their heaven or their hell on this Earth.  Examine your own conscience.  Your venom betrays who you really are.

I love this imagery: “When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air. They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.”
Due to major health issues I had to get a hysterectomy at age 34, shortly after my 4th child was born. Though it resolved my physical health problems, I wasn’t prepared for the emotional health nightmare that ensued. Time and medication have helped me overcome the worst of it and today, 18 years later, I relish the moments I get to spend with my 3 grandchildren and thank the Lord every day for the blessing of family - - especially my daughter who forwarded this article.

Made my wife cry multiple times.  She had to have me read it to her.  Thank you for sharing your heart.

No woman is ever “left”. You are a divine daughter of God and your role in His plan is as sacred as there is. He will never leave you!

Thanks so much! As a single mom with one daughter till she was 12, and now a mommy of five girls I can completely relate to both sides!!! Thanks so much for sharing ;)

The only reason it’s easier to have 9 children versus one…..

a. You now have eight more little helpers to put to work doing chores!!

b. You now get child tax checks based on nine instead of one!! Cha-ching!

You would have gotten used to it by the second child.  Having nine is overdoing it in every way conceivable.

To Julie and Ron:

Really? Since when do you feel its acceptable to judge people by the means you are saying? No one ever said this woman was a Duggar, she never said she was having kids for the tax breaks, and as for overdoing it….. how sad it is that you feel you can past judgement because they had 9 children. That was her decision, with her husband. I think its amazing they have 9, we stopped at 5 because of personal reasons, but strongly feel that it’s not our right to play God or pass judgement on others…. Seriously, those were some of the rudest comments ;( I feel sorry for you both.

Wow - that was gut wrenchingly beautiful and spot on.  I’ve been there.  I’m the mother of one.  Took 7 years to get just one child.  He’s 24 now and the letting go was the most difficult part and it started so much sooner than I expected.  Thanks for sharing this piece with all of us.

Not a bad article but there is one thing in it that really made me angry.  When she said her husband got to leave the house every day and sleep every night and she hated him for it.  First, he wasn’t leaving the house to go do Disneyland.  He was going to work.  Then when he gets home from work guess what he gets?  To start on his 2nd job because his wife will tell him she needs a break and it’s his turn now.  He gets to sleep every night?  Again, he is going to work so that you can stay at home and be a mom.  Perhaps you’d like him to get up every night so you can be well rested to stay at home and he can go to work worn out and exhausted.  He might lose the income that you need him to bring home that allows you to stay at home and complain about him.

Thanks for so eloquently expressing everything I feel and have been unable to articulate myself!  What a wild, emotional roller coaster motherhood is.  I can feel love, rage, joy, resentment, contentment, frustration, you name it, all in the space of 5 minutes!  I am the mother of two, with 9 1/2 years in between, and sometimes feel I’m raising two “only’s” and envy the women who had 2 or more closer together in age.  Add to that the fact that my youngest is adopted, which adds layers and layers of emotion and responsibility to honor the sacrifice of my son’s birthmother, and to care for the grieving parts of him and the losses he has experienced that are so primal, and might never be expressed in a way that I can embrace adequately.  It can certainly be overwhelming being a mom,  and sometimes I do think I am going to collapse under the enormity of it all, but then find myself crying when I think of my oldest leaving for college in 2 1/2 years!  Most days I feel like a crazy woman!  Motherhood is the hardest, most judged job on earth, and I thank you for sharing your heart and supporting all of us, no matter the size of our brood.

Thank you for the article and being real. Being a mom is hard. It helps to know that I’m not the only one that isn’t perfect in this role. I try everyday to do better, appreciate this time more and know it is okay when all the kids are asleep to enjoy the quiet. I alway know it will go by fast, tears will flow and the quiet won’t be the same.

Thank you, I have only one child and more than anything it breaks my heart that he doesn’t have siblings. Especially as he gets older and has started talking about it. It’s hard when he says “it’s too quiet in here” and “it’s just me and you”. It’s hard but he is our miracle and if that’s all that we get, we will still be greatly blessed.

I so needed to read that. Thank you!!!!

JEH THANK YOU JEH I will pray for your intentions.
It is heartbreaking that single, childless women are TOTALLY overlooked within the Catholic church. We get ABSOLUTELY NO support despite how much support we give to those married women trying to get pregnant. My sister in law asked me to start a prayer change when she wanted to get pregnant and I did. I had everyone praying regularly for her/my bro and they got pregnant. Years later I told her ” it’s very lonely being single in my late 30s” and ALL she told me was “some people live and die alone”. Comforting isn’t that??? Be blessed, be grateful that you have “just one child”. Be blessed, be grateful that you have a husband. Be blessed, be grateful that you have others who understand and support you.

This is what I needed to hear.
I’m a non-Catholic mother of a beautiful toddler. But I found the first year incredibly diffucult (and the second great). It’s so empowering to have someone admit it can be really hard. I’ve been too scared of the first year to decide to have another child. But this gives me hope that things might be ok.

Johnny I do NOT agree with you. Jeh and Cindy I will keep you both in my regular prayers.

I really appreciated your article.  I am a non-Catholic, but I am glad to hear you telling about how great it is to have kids.  We have four and it is the best decision we’ve made.  Each time we thought about having another it was a little scary, but I’m so glad we took that leap of faith, because I feel like it has brought us so much joy.

ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL!
Thank you for writing about the beauty of BECOMING a mother!

Now I’m crying at the sudden realization of that empty lonely day when my baby will grow into a woman and leave me :’-(

As a mother who just recently had her 9th child, I can relate to every word you have written! There are so many things that are easier with more….and this newborn stage really is fleeting, but much more exhausting at 44 than at 25! I can’t imagine trying to go work an 8-12 hour day away from baby and run our household now! I loved browsing your blog and had to laugh at the picture of the toddler covered in marker and the kitchen mess and the homeschooling. My 3 year old has gotten away with more than my older kids did, although I do have some pretty good stories of messes with them as well. I still homeschool several, but we are in a co-op group,and often what my kids learn is from the group day, not so much my time with them. Sometimes I think the reason I like having young children around is so I can continue to take naps guilt-free :) Always nice to know there are other moms out there with 9 (or more)kids too and we have hopefully kept our sanity!

So True great piece of writing. I have 7 kids and could not agree more with what was written. I does not matter how many children you have everyone has their own challenges.

Eh. I have one child and we are all perfectly happy. I don’t feel like some sad sack who it bored and trapped with my child all day. I don’t feel I am “suffering” with my child. In fact, I am loving every second of it. So please, do not feel sorry for us or our child. We are the happiest and busiest family you will meet!

How about you close your legs, its not that hard to do.

So true!  As a mom of 6 I can relate to the busyness of a full house, but yes, it is so much easier that when I had one!  God bless

I thought this was very well written. I have 8 children, ages 34-12 (we drug out childbearing). We are glad to have had all these lovely children to aid in our refinement. I always say the Lord gave me 8 to keep from spoiling 1or 2. I am sorry for those who posted their anger over their “righteous indignation” about having only one child. I understand that was not your point. I get it. You can be refined by one child but it is a blessing to have many.

If often feels so isolating and even more so if you have one kid. Seems like the 2 or more families call each other, make play dates and bond over the experiences of having two or more kids…“She just has one” is often what I feel. “You haven’t really become a mom until you have at least two kids” is also what I hear in conversations…Thanks for this article!

I’d give anything to feel this pain and restlessness. I would give anything to be able to have children.

At the age of 80 I was heartened to see the “right on” comments about being a mother of a large family. I have 11 wonderfull children all born within 20 yrs. They are such a blessing now that we are in our last years. When I remember those hard years it all seems worthwhile. We don’t want for a single thing and they couldn’t do more for us. So hang in there girls. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.

Dear Mother with one child please appreciate every cry, every whine, evey mess , be ever so thankful for all of it!
Signed a Mother with no children!

KC I TOTALLY agree with you!
JJ Seriously!-“If often feels so isolating and even more so if you have one kid.” Try living totally alone year after year with no one to talk to after work before you cry yourself to bed alone.  Try knowing 14 people who are currently pregnant or had babies in the last month and 13 people who are currently engaged. Try working with children all day and coming home totally and entirely alone. THAT is isolation!
I can not read this anymore the complaining of people who have been blessed with marriage and blessed with a child is really pissing me off! You do not know what isolation, pain and depression really are. Walk in my shoes.

Sometimes I am in so much emptiness and pain that I feel I can not go on. If God has blessed you with a good husband please stop complaining!!!! If God has blessed you with even one child please stop complaining!!!!  In my darkest hours when I feel so alone I realize no one would realize I was gone. You who are married, you who have child- someone would realize you were gone- so please stop complaining and please start realizing what you have!!!!!!!!!

Nice article, i would just like to say, that having one child for me and my husband has been a blessing. But for us, anything more than one is just not ppssible, not because we cant but because we dont want to. So when people ask us when the next one is coming i just tell them its non of there business. So to people with one child I salute you and wish you the best, because what is right for some might not be necesarily right for others

“Only so you will be strong enough to be a woman who will be left.”
I am a mother to ten children and am entering the “left” stage. Every bit as busy sometimes as before just very different. It takes some adjustment to not be “needed” in the same way but the new “needs” are good as well.

I was the mommy-to-be who was convinced that nothing would change once the baby arrived.  Our boy was 5 weeks old and I hosted dinner party.  (and had to excuse myself halfway thru b/c I was exhausted).  Our little boy did change everything…and there were days I would Pray for my old life back. I would pray my mother would take our so for a sleepover.  I hated myself for these thoughts b/c it took my husband and I YEARS to get pregnant.  I reseted him b/c he wasnt stuck home day-in & day-out with a baby on his hip and hair that hadnt been washed in days.  I felt run-down all the time.  And I thought I was the only mom out there whos plate was too full and energy tanks on empty. And it really did get easier.  I got better at asking for help instead of thinking I had to do it all on my own.

Thank you for giving these feelings a voice.  Hopefully your words will give peace to a 1st time mommy.

People sometimes complain when insulting and vicious comments are left on these comment threads, but I have to say that I’m glad NCR keeps them up: they remind me of how dark, cynical, selfish, and brainwashed eco-fascists and secularists really are. I was there once myself ... I’m never going back. I’ve been uplifted and encouraged by the positive comments left here—left by men and women who live in the light of Christ, and whose grace, intelligence, and happiness shines clearly through their words. Simcha and all the other positive commentators on this board: You are all clearly blessed in so many ways. Keep doing what you are doing and renew the face of this earth!

Wow. I have to agree -
“Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.

When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.”

What an amazing read this was. Thanks for reminding us that we are important, even when we may not always feel that way!

Read more: http://www.ncregister.com/blog/to-the-mother-with-only-one-child#ixzz1kDKzF5Ai

Oh, what a delightful and encouraging read.  Thank you for sharing your heart.  I am from a family of 9 kids and don’t know how my mom did it.  She says the same thing - all she can say now is that she sees God hand and grace moreso now than ever and has no idea how our family grew up so fast.  Thank you for acknowledging what is really going on and for making me feel at home in my own skin, even in the “normal” exhaustion.  Our kids are worth it and I appreciate my parents did this for me.  What a gift our Father bestows on us.  Onward! Much love!

Awesome article!!
For those who are stern on having one child.. to each their own.. I would just like to say why I think having more than one is “not selfish”. I love my son and one day in the near future I’d love to have another, maybe three. I’d be perfectly happy with one if that is how it was meant to be.. but I think siblings are wonderful. I’ll be devestated the day I lose my parents, but what comforts me is knowing I have my brother and my sister, and together we can give eachother support, and know that we will be in eachothers lives, until the end hopefully.. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Obviousy people get married and have families of their own, but what if they don’t? That could get lonely!

I cannot believe there are so many people here posting such negative comments. No one truly knows what another person’s pain feels like, therefore you cannot accurately compare a stranger’s pain to yours… as if yours is infinitely and proven beyond a doubt to be worse than theirs. It is all relative and based on each individual’s experiences. To state such opinion as fact in your eyes shows a callousness towards others trials and a false sense of entitlement in enduring your own. Broaden your perspective and embrace the fact that all people, including yourself, feel joy and pain over different life experiences. Serving one another through positivity and encouragement is the most effective spiritual act. Look at other’s experiences and allow yourself to be enlightened, not boxed in.

As for the article, thank you for it. I remember what is was like to be a first-time mom with PPD, and then how much easier it was to handle the shift when my second child was born (even with a more severe form of PPD the second time around). Any woman who uses her natural nurturing to care for the young (or the frail, no matter what age) is a woman to be admired, no matter how many lives she touches.

Bit offensive to the mother of only one child.  Some mothers can ONLY have one child for health reasons, and other issues… some mothers have previous training, like teachers and daycare workers, and no, they are not learning for the first time how to be a mother.  If a first time mother is bored with her child, then clearly there is something wrong.  As the mother of one who has struggled with her young life, and medical science is responsible for my husband not being alone after the hardships of my child’s birth (we both almost died) I think you’re lumping mothers of a single child all into one category here.  Lets stop judging each other as women, and start supporting each other.  I’m so tired of other women judging me.  Let’s stop and stand together, is it not about time?

Thank you for such a poignant, well written article! Whether they admit it or not, I belive most new parents feel this way and it is nice to have a mother of nine validate these feelings.

Thank you so much for writing these encouraging words.  As a new mom to a beautiful 3 month old daughter, I feel a lot of guilt for not “loving every minute” as so many people say they do… It really is hard!  Learning to be a mom has been a lot more than just learning how to care for a baby.  Learning to care for someone else more than yourself doesn’t happen overnight.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.  I have already come back and read this more than once.  I will keep it bookmarked for those days when things seem especially rough.

Thank you! I´m so happy to hear this from someone so experienced, a graduated mom. I have a little baby 11 months and just found out I´m pregnant! and feel everything you said in the article, very well expressed, thanks to you and to God for letting you have time to write this article and so many other things I guess with nine kids, congratulations.

I don’t think you have children who have “left the nest”, have you?  And yet, you seem to have captured this feeling so well. I’m in the middle of it, some gone, some still at home, and it is so bittersweet.

To all those who are complaining in the “oh yea, you’ve think you’ve got it bad, well I can top that” vein, please try to see that Simcha is writing about a particular set of feelings which she has had, and which she knows well.  It is not a commentary on other peoples situations.

TRULY BEAUTIFUL!!!  Brought tears to my eyes.  I am a mother of three young children and yes, the statement about becoming strong enough to be left….I can see that.  This is truly a beautiful post and one that I NEEDED to read to re-affirm my purpose and enjoy my life as mom….no matter how tired I am!!  Thank you!!

Thanks! I’m an adoptive mom of one with special needs. I struggle every day with knowing if I’m doing “enough.” I worry that she’ll make it. I fear I could never handle another. Thanks for giving me more hope. :) Bless you!

Oh. My. God.  THANK YOU!!  I am a first time mother of a 10 week old beautiful baby girl.  This sums it all up perfectly!  Especially those crazy fears of them getting hurt…all the what ifs….it IS hard!  Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying it!  Made me cry : )

Wow. Its incredible some of the judgmental ruthless comments that some of you who claim to be so “Christian” have made. This was 1 mother expressing HER feelings, which apparently she is not entitled to if they are not synchronized with your own. If you don’t like it, don’t read it- no need to belittle and judge, especially if your life is as “Christ-centered” as you profess it to be. Everyone is different, so write your own post if you feel differently rather than criticizing someone else’ feelings in the name of Christ. Shameful.

Wow, this is incredible—how you summed up my entire experience with my first child.  Now I have four (which feels like nine), and even though I’m not quite to the point of wishing to be able to read Ferdinand again (although, in our case, it’s Scaredy Squirrel), I know about the lightness of children.  How their littleness seems to rush away as fast as a helium balloon in the sky.  Thanks for this beautiful piece.

No matter the no they are all gifts that are bestowed upon us to give them the ability so that they may choose how they can light up the world around us. I am blessed with one and only one no matter that she wants siblings sometimes it is not to be. This does not mean she is alone but surrounded by more with the flow of her family and good friends and community. The best part is that Love that you give so unconditionally weather to one or nine it doesnt’ matter it is the love of being a parent to anther human being that is the most important thing we can gift to our children today.

I am so sorry for the ugliness people can have. Some of the comments are way out of line. I too was touched by this article but I didn’t think it had much to do with how many children you have but more about supporting one another. I felt it was meant be a unifying piece of writing. Raising children is hard (you have to admit it) no matter how many you choose to have. What a tremendous responsibility we are given as women to raise up a human being to posses all of the skills to succeed. We need to support each other in that. Share what we know. Offer a listening ear. And a shoulder to cry on. We are called to be a compassionate people. We cannot raise compassionate children if we first do not practice it ourselves. Blessing to all of you and I will be praying for many of you.

yes I remember when we had 1,2,3,4,5-6,7…...my first was not my husbands but he has been her father since she was 5 so when our 1st toghter came along she was 7 and it was like my 1st child because I too lived with my mother and grandmother with my 1st and so I was young. They alloweed me to go to college and work as well as try to be a young person. Our second and third child was unplanned but we were married and it was a nice surprise. However our third child was conceivedd only 2 months after having our 2nd. A bit of a shock but after careful contemplating we deccided to it was meant to be. A short 1-1/2 yrs later our destiny decided to give us another blessing that turned into 2 five months into our pregnancy we found out we were having twins. I was ok….confident(my grandmother always told I wuld hav twins)my husband on hte other hand was a lil incoherrant aat 1st but we jumped rite on board getting prepared. last but not least our 7th again 1-1/2 yrs aafter twins. after that my health was affectedd and we had to close down the fCTORY BUT WE ARE CONTENT AND all the years with babies i always told my husband it would get easier as they get older….BOY WAS I WRONG. The challanges never cease, that is a good thing but very exhausting!! So my point is yes its overwhelming,frustrating,exhausting but neverending in my book. I’LL TAKE IT!! Cuz we are going to miss this someday,beleive it or not!

And again the childless single women get ABSOLUTELY no support in the Catholic “community”- yeah what “commmunity” I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life. Yes this article is not about childless single women but it is about a married woman complaining about having a hard time w one child. And in hopes of instilling compassion towards others who DO have it MUCH worse - trust me (Maria)- you don’t know how the deep loneliness has me driven me literally close to suicide I doubt being a married mother of one has experienced such lonlines.  I’m pointing out the obvious PLEASE COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS because the alternative/the opposite of your situation is very painful and very lonely.

When I was 15 in 1967 all I wated to do was marry my sweetheart and have six children and stay home.  I had it all planned - well guess what - it did not happen and I had to keep the faith in God and accept it.  My “sweetheart” turned out to be an abusive drunk that cheated on me from day one.  He also had contracted venereal disease from his time in Vietnam.  So guess what - we couldn’t have children because he was sterile. I kept the faith and knew God had a plan for me.  He did.  I became very successful in my field, made a lot of money (which was spent and stolen by the “sweetheart”), and finally got the courage to divorce my husband.  I am now married to a wonderful Catholic man but according to the church are excommunicated because we are both divoreced and refuse to pay for an annulement.  My question is, “Am I less of a woman than the writer who had nine children?”

So beautiful.

Thank you, Smicha. Sorry that some of these folks commenting have said such rude things.

You have put into words what I have felt, but never could have expressed so beautifully. Thank you for your encouragement.

I feel that this should be titled “To the New Mother”.  These were the feelings I had when I had a newborn.  Fast forward over 3 years, I still only have one child and it is much easier for me.  Despite meaning well, Simcha has unintentionally made me feel like the only way to be a “virtuoso” or to not be “pushed around” is to have more than one child.  That because I choose to not have more children, I’ll never have that feeling of him being “lighter than air”.  Every new mother has every right to admit that it is a very difficult job, with many unknowns.  As you progress in your motherhood, you learn and grow along with your child, not just because you have additional children.

Beautiful! Last night we found out we are pregnant with #4.  We always said 4. but were still a little surprised we will have four under 6 yrs. It does seem to get easier. I am so excited to see who we are creating inside as each one has been so different! Enjoy every minute.

@ Janelle:

I wanted to let you know that I am personally, deeply sorry for your pain.  You will be in my prayers.  However, 3 things for you to consider:

1. One Brain Surgeon says to another Brain Surgeon, “I love my work, but these hours are killing me.  Last week I had 3, 18-hour days back-to-back and one 19-hour day.”  An out-of-work RN hears this conversation and says, “Hey you stupid LOUT at least you HAVE a job!  People like you piss me off!”  Wow. 

Question: Is is wrong for people to discuss the challenges of setting the price of tea in China without a coffee drinker being upset by their conversation?  Ridiculous! In other words, this article is not about you, or people who CHOOSE to only have one child, or people who HAVE only one child but DO NOT CHOOSE that, or about dog sitters, astronauts or garbage men.  It was written about people who have been through some particular thing.  Just because you haven’t, does not give you license to anger.  Your anger is your own choice.

2. If a person is concerned about their own house does it mean that they don’t have compassion for someone who has no house?  May a person who owns a home care for the homeless?  Or must they also be homeless?

3. About your situation:  (I hope you are still with me here) First of all: I have “been in your shoes” as I suspect many people here have been.  Your discontent is heightened because you believe that your life is supposed to be a certain way.  And it isn’t matching up to your expectations.  But… WHO TOLD YOU YOUR LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CERTAIN WAY?!  God has a plan for you.  Do you know what it is?  Or do think that YOUR plan is better than His?  Warning:  The one who says that your life is supposed to be a certain way is Satan.  Don’t listen to him.  He hates you.  He wants you to wish you had things.  He wants you to be miserable and to destroy you.  Don’t listen to him.  God loves you.  God made you.  God DOES have a plan for you.  Sometimes it is easier to pray when we are first BROUGHT TO OUR KNEES.  Funny how that works.

The happiest people in the world aren’t the people who get what they want.  The happiest people in the world are those who ACCEPT what they’ve got.  The happiest people in the world are those who say, “OK, this is NOT what I wanted, but I accept it and will try to conform my will to God’s” 

I am sorry if any of this has sounded harsh, it is NOT meant to be.  Only because I have personally been there, I write this.  I went through girlfriend after girlfriend, and then nada for DECADES.  I thought things would never “work out” for me.  But, once I made the “toughest choice in the world” God showed me his plan.  That choice?  I chose to be happy.  (I have faced more tragedy than most soap operas and war movies put together.)  Life is beautiful.  God’s calling you.

Again, my thoughts and prayers will be with you. God bless you.

A little sensitivity: Not all mothers with only one child feel like this one. I’ve lost two babies in the past year and am already feeling the guilt of inflicting “only child syndrome” on my only living child (although we talk about his brothers all the time). I absolutely think mothers of lots of children are wonderful and I am in awe of what they can do. But I often feel like I’m less of a mother anyway, and I dont’ want my child to feel like less of a good kid because of it, so include us “other” types of mothers with one child in your thoughts please!

Ummm… This article offends me. She writes all of that heart string tugging stuff at the end of the article fine, but the top 90% of it is veiled attempt to get you to feel sorry for her. having one child was so tough and now I have nine and I cry when the baby wakes up and the house is a wreck and the kids are soo much work…. Of course she tries to pull the wool over your eyes with the “but they are so lovely and sweet and blah blah blah” crap… As a reader you need to get past that and find the underlying message. Not the one in the title. Not the one in the paragraphs at the end. No look in the meat of the article. She is tired, stressed out, over worked, and trying to deal with it by writing sweet articles and playing games in her head by turning phrases to make it all seem worth while. I have only one child. He is a gift. None of the crap she mentioned in her article holds any weight in the reality of a mother or father with one child. We were intelligent enough to know our limits and control ourselves when the urge to have another came our way. Not to mention that at some level I feel like I am doing my part in counteracting the obsessive need of some people to pollute our planet with there spawn. Seriously 9? Its like an addiction….....

One humorous q:  has this complaining woman ever had a dog that chews everything???? 

What would she clean with?  Swifter or a mere mop ? 

I can’t stand ultra Catholics who have to do it correctly at the expense of looking down on others.  I can’t stand those who charge up charge cards and the women don’t work and will one day expect Us in the church who did earn a pension to pay for them one day. 

Sorry, but even a discussion about this is a serious waste of time because while they may be better now they will be poor later. Trust me, their hubs did not save enough money for them.  How naive….

I think that this article is beautiful. I am the Mom to eight children; two that are well into their 20’s and 6 under 18 yrs old. I had 5 kids all under the age of 6, it was difficult but probably easier than when my youngest was the only one at home. She was used to all the other kids playing with her and so was I. It was a good reminder how different it is with just one or two children.This is a kind reminder to not judge other people’s situations….you do not know how they ended up with none or 20. Everybody’s situation is different. A majority of my children were conceived through rape(by my husband)and the pregnancy forced on me.No, I do not share that information with others, and I do not love my children any less. Enduring random people’s incredibly rude comments to me (∈ front of my children) made things worse. I could not change the situation in which they were born but loving and accepting them, were up to me. I never had one minute of help with raising them and their father just died less than two months ago. Before he died, he was learning to be a father to his children. A side note; he had “out-grown” being abusive a few years before his death. So, please do not judge people on how many children they do or do not have….you just never know what is going on behind the public eye.

Stop having babies. Please. Take care of the ones you have. It should be hard to raise a well-balanced child. Our society is not set up for it. So STOP HAVING MORE and focus on the ones you created first. Please.

Having one baby is hard. The first one comes with fright and worry. But not like the blogger mentioned. She was worried about the wrong things. Do what is right for you child and worry about them all the time. That is what good parents do.

STOP HAVING KIDS PLEASE. 9! Are you serious?

I am so offended by this article!  She must be talking DIRECTLY to ME and saying that I am failure.  Has to be, since the world revolves around me.  How dare someone write about their own life without realizing that MY experiences and situation are all that matter.  I am what keeps this world turning.  Me and Mother Earth!

Ms. Fisher is also offensive to our Mother Earth.  I heard there was a minor earthquake somewhere recently.  Could it have been because of this article?  Perhaps she should consider cleaning her mouth out with mud (Mother Earth’s offspring).

Can you imagine the gall of someone who has actually had a hard time doing something and wrote about it?!  Obviously this offends everyone else who hasn’t done so.

What next?  An article about the challenges of crochet - purposely designed, of course, to offend all those who are allergic to wool and those who suffer from small-thingyaqphobia?!  The HORRORS!

Hey let’s all go out and celebrate the fact that there aren’t enough kids in this country to support our social security.  That way we can get rid of it.  Let us eat dirt!  Mother earth here we come!

(Another post waiting in the “moderation” queue)

Thank-you. You made me feel better on a day I thought I wouldn’t. I am so happy there is a silver lining!

I am the mother of 11.  I remind those moms of 1 or 2 little ones that share their comments that I have so many helpers to do my job that I remember those difficult days, having 2 little children and that it wasn’t easy.  I also wonder if they remember being a teenager and how much they actually did for their mothers.

Thank you for this article. 

And to so many of you, please remember that just because someone writes an article for something, doesn’t mean it is against something else. 

It is amazing to me, how this particular topic can be so divisive among women. We need to unite and support one another.  The circumstances life presents each of us are unique to us as individuals.  Not every woman can have the number of children she desires, not every mother of many wanted a large family at the beginning of her life journey, but as this is a religious site, I feel comfortable sharing that I have tried to follow God in my life, and was led to have this family. 

Please, to those that have so much resentment and anger over this, set aside those feelings and attitudes and try to see your fellow sisters in this world as God would.

“Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left” brought years to my eyes! Thank you for this. I hear this from many friends but you put it in perfect words! And I’m sorry for some of these replies, I can olny feel that these people had help at almost any turn, went back to work, or had a perfect child and never really had to figure t out on their own.

@Used: Brilliant! I spit out my coffee I laughed so hard.

I feel quite sorry for you that having “only one child” was so difficult for you. I have “only one” and wouldn’t change it for the world.  I love my life and have such an amazing balance between being a mom and having time to run and do things for myself. I get adequate sleep. I have time to exercise and eat healthy. I am blessed at having “only one” and love every waking moment of being with my child.  I don’t have hate toward my husband for getting more sleep and for having alone time in the bathroom, because we do not have that kind of relationship and are partners that happily share duties. And, this makes me want to puke “Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard.”  I do not think my life is hard. My life is beautiful and blessed and to be able to spend one on one time with my son is a fantastic feeling. And, this “you’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.” is not true in the least. I have a partner that supports me, gets up in the middle of the night, and there are plenty of times for “alone time”.  Hell, I’m running in my third half marathon this year. Motherhood has been a blessing and those of us with “just one” by choice or by difficulty conceiving do not need your judgment.  And, really, thanks for judging my “hard life” while you act like you aren’t judging. If it makes you feel better to envision my life as hard, then do it. You need to do something to feel better about your choices in life. When I am going out for a 6 mile run, all by myself in the fresh air while my son and his daddy play together and make dinner remind yourself of just how “hard’ my life really is compared to yours.

Although most of the comments are complimentary, the few negative comments really bothered me. I hope you don’t mind that I wrote about it today…it is NOT as well-written as yours, I just felt like I needed to vent about it FOR you! I also read this again to see if I was missing something in your tone, but I still find it to be compassionate and encouraging. Thanks again!

http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2012/01/if-we-cant-support-each-other-were.html

to the ‘one is not hard’ crowd & otherwise offended crowd,

This is exactly the kind of comments that those of us with one deal with daily and can leave us riddled with guilt.  For the record, I have one. I wasn’t supposed to be able to have ANY, but God blessed us with one miracle.  I know the pain of infertility;  I know the grief of accepting that I will never be a mother, and I know the joy of having a child anyway, along with the pain of worrying about why I am not happy and grateful to God ALL THE TIME for the miracle. 

I also am a foster parent, so I know what it is to have 3, soddenly, with no warning, no time to prepare the kids, and many special needs.  Amazingly, even in this situation, 3 is easier in so many ways.  Both came with their own joys and struggles.

You clearly did not understand her post - clearly you did not even understand the title.  When I am in my Lonely Mother Doldrums I think ‘What is wrong with me; how can this be so hard with JUST ONE? - I must be terrible since so many moms have many, and they do great!’  It is not derogatory;  it is referencing the struggle.  It is encouraging to hear from a mother of many that, indeed, it is still hard to have ‘just one.’ 

I found this piece to be beautiful and uplifting both as a parent of one, and as a parent of multiple.

Thank you!

ack!  see now, the few negative comments threw me off. 

My apologies to the author for confusing the title with the complaints.  The title does not contain the word ‘just’ as I suggested.  The complaints did.

My mistake!

Again, thank you for the post.  Beautifully written.

Jes

To “Used to post” Your comments to me were disrespectful, cold and very un-Christian. Being a man you have ABSOLUTELY NO idea what I am going through as you can have children at any age. You are NOT a woman!!!!! Men can father children at 50, 60, 60, 80 etc.  Your unempathetic comments gave me NO comfort and actually did the opposite. You do NOT know me. You do NOT know what I go through. You know NOTHING about me. You completely misunderstood my comments. I ABSOLUTELY stand by my- comments of those who are blessed with a husband please appreciate what you have, those who are blessed with a child please appreciate what you have. YOU who have a child and a husband are NOT alone BUT there are childless WOMEN who would give anything to have just one child and a husband. There are MANY women in VERY deep pain at this reality and this pain is deepened by the TOTALLY LACK OF EMPATHY received by a mostly coupled, mostly child-having society.  “Used to Post” it is YOU who needs prayers for learning to be more empathetic and compassionate.

To Melissa- You comment congratulating Used for his comment was equally heartless, equally disrespectful and equally un-Christian.  To call his comment “brilliant” wow- are you Christian??? That does not appear to be very Christian to me. The lack of empathy exhibited here has been horrific. I understand why people leave the church.

The thing that is most shocking is that ABSOLUTELY NO ONE commented on John’s VERY nasty “close your legs” comment yet some were quick to snap at me for pointing out the obvious- if you are blessed enough to have “one child” do not complain but instead appreciate that blessing, if you are blessed enough to have a husband do not complain but instead appreciate that blessing because (if you look beyond yourself) there are people who would give anything for the blessing of having “one child” and a husband.  John’s comment was crass. My comment was factual and meant as a reminder to be compassionate of those who are not as blessed as you. I am very disappointed in what I have read here. Again, I understand why people leave the church.

I was that new, paranoid, sleepless and depressed mother. And I did have dreams of her limbs breaking in two. And they came true when she aspirated a small piece of apple at the age of two and I cradled her in my arms as the two of us were wheeled down the hospital hallway to give her body away to the organ donation medical team. And now I have “an only child” again. I’ve been a mother for nearly 6 years and never had a child out of diapers. I’ve had a toddler for almost 6 years straight. Never had an older helper, never seen my children play together.

It is difficult and painful being a mother, no matter what our circumstances. But sometimes our children do break. And sometimes we have to let go much, much sooner than we were ready for. And sometimes we look like mothers of only one child, even when we are not.

I also agree that growing into motherhood doesn’t have to happen only because you have multiple children. I did enjoy this article and felt it was uplifting and inspiring and meant to support all mothers. We write from our own experience. It was beautifully written. And I realize each mother’s experience is so unique—especially when you have lost a child. (Or have nine children—WOW).

Thank you for sharing your experience.

@Janelle:

Maybe you are right.  Since my comments upset you, then I must wholeheartedly apologize.  I am sorry.  But it is not “unchristian” of me to be - unartful or tactless perhaps - in your eyes.  You are not grateful that I care?  So be it.  It doesn’t mean I don’t.  After all, here you are posting on a message board about your loneliness and frustration, and it made me quite sad for you.  I pictured the scene you painted, empty house/apt and so on, and I remembered similar feelings - many years of tough times.  And then I recalled what helped me and I wrote that down with the intent of offering you a way to find peace.  Perhaps you are attached to being in pain?  I don’t know.  I sure was.  Pain was all I had.  Does it make it worse if I ask that?  Hope not. Either way, I speak the truth is all - with only good intentions. 

I noticed that I am the only one who even tried to help.  Guess everyone else was a tad smarter than I?

At the same time, allow me to suggest that you are wrong if you believe that I (or others) are incapable of empathy.  You are wrong if you think that I have never felt the desperate, angry, frustrating torture of loneliness!  (Hey, sister, it is why I bought a cat!  And I don’t even like cats!)  You are wrong if you think I have never “felt like I could not go on”.  Oh I assure you, that I HAVE been there, knife in hand, etc gory detail, etc., and it was God’s love alone that saved me. 

When I was 35, the idea that I could “father a child” in my 50’s or 60’s brought me zero comfort. What?  Like I should have taken solace in the idea that, when I turned 60, some great young 25-year-old was going to want to raise a family with me?  Doesn’t work that way.  Women are tuned in to that clock. SO ARE MEN!  I mean the woman’s clock.  And both men and women suffer from loneliness when they are - alone.

The bottom line:  “Man” plans, God laughs.  There is more to life than having children.  Yes. I said it.  Because it is true and because finding that out gave me peace.  (Many years before I did, by God’s grace end up having children!) 

God gave you a life for a reason.  Just because you think that you have somehow been gypped out of your mission and happiness, does not mean you are correct.  I TRULY offer you my heartfelt sympathy for your pain, and I have offered you a way to alleviate it.  Hate me if you want, but maybe consider that it could be time to ask God what he wants of you, rather than insisting you are getting a raw deal.  you have NO IDEA what God can do for you!  “Gods’ thoughts are as high above man’s thoughts as the heavens are above the earth”  (Isaiah)  How much higher above your plan is His?  Just asking. 

I know, I know.  I am a male. I can’t POSSIBLY understand, right?  Tell it to Jesus.  He understood BOTH as God AND as man.  In fact, He came as a man to teach us that we ALL can understand and love one another EXACTLY as He loves us. We all have the capacity for understanding, for empathy.

I hope things improve for you.  Heck - I hope you do find some great guy - whom I bet you do deserve - and get to have a family just like you want to!  But, in case that is not God’s plan for you, I STILL hope you find peace!  Shalom!

And, yes, please DO pray for me.  I sure do need it, as I am a sinner, a man with flaws and one who has nothing but God’s grace to keep me up.  So…any more prayers would be appreciated very much.  Finally, sorry again, if my approach is distasteful and “makes things worse”.  It’s all I’ve got to offer, I am the only one who did, and it comes from a place of true good intention.  God bless!

I loved this piece.  It resonated very much with my experience.  Being a new mom was lovely, but terribly difficult at the same time.  The adjustment to a new addition was easier, especially past three.  I have six kids now, and probably won’t have more, for a variety of reasons.  People on this site have commented a lot about how the kids impact their lives, but I always try (sometimes not successfully) to remember that we didn’t just have these kids for how they add or detract from our lives.  Their worth doesn’t depend on what they are doing for us (chores, good grades, whether they get in the way of our exercise schedule, etc).  Their lives, in the end, will be their own.  We can love them, pray for them, try to care for them and hope they make a good use of the gift of their own lives.  Thank you, Simcha.

As a mother of four ages, 20,17,11 and 5 I can tell you there is nothing harder or more rewarding than being a mother.  Don’t let a moment pass you by where you don’t remember to simply enjoy any of your children.  Whether you are being vomited on or going without sleep for so many nights that you have lost count, remember one day very soon you won’t have your babies with you any more and believe it or not you will even miss some of the sweet moments that come with sleepless nights.  When the house is a mess and you feel like you can’t do one more thing, don’t do anything but stop and enjoy your kids.  The house will only need cleaning again tomorrow and will eventually even stay clean.  But when the day comes that you are sleeping through the night and the house stays clean, your children will be grown and your chance to love them as children will be over.  Don’t stress over the little day to day things.  Worry more about how much time you spend letting your kids know you love them.

Thank you for this amazing story. I have had many ups and downs all of which I thought were not normal.. I mean, I only have one child. But you know… I’m new at this. All these new things keep happening and it’s like you said… we’re learning. ! I am happy to know that I am not the only one. I think all mothers are great but those of you who can pass on the wisdom that you have shared today is truly a gift. Take care. Thank you again

You are so right and said all the feelings I had for 6 yrs and then the second one came and I was more confident but she was hyperkinetic. The third one came 1 1/2 yrs later. I finally got it together by then and was enjoying being a Mother and it was time for the 1st one to start school and then I started feeling the heartache of them leaving the nest. She was only six.

Oh Molly, how my heart goes out to you tonight…I lost my son last summer, in the ninth month. I never got to hold him in my arms while he was alive.  Yours is a very, very special cross.  I bow my head to your sorrow.  Offered with Jesus, I think it is the most powerful prayer on earth.  God bless you and keep you strong.

@Janelle, sometimes I can’t sleep at night and I thought about what you said last night.  It DID resonate very much. What you said was true.  My solution for everything in this life that ails me (and what I tell my daughter who is 18, and just had her heart partially broken):  “Fall in love with Jesus.  No matter what travail that life brings you, he will never be found wanting.” That is my rock and my refuge in this anti room called “Earth”.

Thank you Anna Lisa. You are a jewel like my own mother is. She told me tonight the “We are all foolish to believe this is the important life because heaven is most important…” I call her my angel. Thank you Anna Lisa!

wow

Dear Larry , I have friends who announced one day that they had decided not to have any children. I found it strange but realized, suddenly all of the pressure was off, people don’t ask “When are you planning on having a baby?” You could do the same by making the” Announcement ” that one was quite enough!! and you had “made the decision” to not have anymore!!!

My precious momma had 9 of us children…the last 2-identical twins when she was 42! All of us children heard the usual “Don’t your parents know how to stop having kids!”  We loved each other very much and were so blessed to have such precious parents.  Momma lost the first child, a son when he was just 16, in a car crash that also took her sister and 4 other people in the other car.  But somehow Momma continued on caring for her family. Then 14 years later another son took his own life at just 28…I wondered then if momma would ever be the same…if she would ever care about us again…if she would start living again.  I remember a random heartless comment, “Well, she has so many others to take care of.  It won’t be so hard.” Then again at 83 years of age, another son died. Momma lived 2 more years.  She had a degenerative heart disease, but I know too, that momma lost so many pieces of her heart each time she lost a child…that she could never fully recover.  She died on the birthday of the child she lost first.  It’s not the number of children one has, but the love you have for them!

Dear Mother of Nine,
I read your article several times hoping to be moved. I wasn’t. I hesitated for a minute before reading because I was thinking, “this article is going make me feel one of two ways, that I need to have another baby asap or grateful for only having one.” It did neither. The title of your article should be, “Dear New Mom.” Also, I can’t help but think that all the women praising this article are new moms or mothers of very young children.
I believe any new mom goes through the stage where they feel like life is hard and it is difficult to find a balance in their new role as Mom ( and sometimes wife too).
I have one daughter ,who is 7 years old. My husband has been hands on since before she was born. I used to have to race him to her crib when she would wake up crying, fight over who would feed and change her. She is beautiful, talented, smart, independent and challenges us everyday. 
From the moment my daughter was born I was asked,“when are you having another one?” I often felt the pressure to have another baby asap just because that is what everyone else was doing. At the end of the day I had to do what I felt was best for myself and my family, emotionally, physically, menatlly (and financially). 
Being apart of a co-op preschool, I would hear from my fellow mom friends how difficult it was to have multiple children, feeling torn when it came to having to choose between a field trip with one child and a school performance with another, one childs baseball game and another ones soccer game. One mom friend of mine was at her sons baseball game on the day her daughter scored her first soccer goal. Her daughter looked out in the sea of parents and could not find her mom. They were both equally devasted.
I’ve also heard of the financial struggles that parents of multiple children have. Can’t afford to put them all in sports so none of them will play or they some how justify choosing which children will be able to. Can’t afford birthday parties for each child this year? School shopping? Braces? Holidays?
As the children grow the challenges change. Probably the most common I’ve heard is not being able to give your undivided attention to your child and their studies, helping with homework or when they have a story to tell because you are being pulled in so many other directions by other children. Now that sounds tough to me.
I believe that quality time that my husband and I are able to give to each other and our daughter actually makes life a little easier. On days I’m feeling tapped out I don’t feel guilty leaving my husband and child at home for some quality time while I recharge my batteries and vise versa. If we had more children, I might tend to feel more guilt about leaving my husband (especially when I know he has worked 60+hours that week).
Lastly, I feel like it is irresponsible of you to be preaching about how much easier life is having multiple children especially in this day and age. It is already tough enough for mothers/parents who only have one child and who struggle with the decision to have more. I like to call it Responsible Parenting. For me its about the quality of child I am raising , not the quanity.

Thank you, everyone already said most what i wanted to say and I have questioned many things about myself while being a mom of 1…1 very well behaved ,until recent terrible 3’s have kicked in, little boy. Am I lazy, did i have him to late (36), am i too stuck in my ways where I just want alone time and want to go pee by myself.  It has taught me great patience. One thing about motherhood that i can compare to the career business world is that at my last job, I accomplished things. I had a check list and those things were checked off. If i did something worth appreciating, it was appreciated with sometimes perks.  This is not the case at home and i think it’s why being a mom is ten times harder. List never get made because you have the same lists every day and projects never get done because they are ongoing.  However, If you have a strong encouraging home base that appreciates you and helps, it can make all the difference. Ok, i guess i did have a lot to say. Thank you for this encouraging article, i had tears running down my face.

I have four sweet and wonderful daughters, from 13 to 16months ( including a set of twins). I love life and being a Mom is my first job and I love every sleepless night and long day. People are under the common misconception that my oldest 3 were born big and it is “easy” with kids that age, well they were all babies at one time, yes even the twin, and I have been through the things they are going through not once but working on the fourth time. Yes being a Mom is the hardest thing ever to do, that is why God picked you to be the child in your life’s mom.  You were the best one for the “job”. I saw a quote once and use it often when people see me with all four of my girls. They will say to me ” my you have your hands full” and I will smile and reply, ” if you think my hands are full you should see my heart”.  I always remember “This too will pass” and do the best I can and move on.

I too am a mother of nine :). I’ve loved this journey. Although, ashamedly, I forget what it was like to have “only one”. It seems so long ago (18 yrs).  I do remember those struggles of “am I good enough for this” ” what if I forget to do something” :). Each precious baby is just that: precious!  Thank you for the reminder!!  Bless you. And even though we have the 9, thank you too for understanding that there are still those days of feeling that same way. It really is a fleeting moment

This article is quite offensive. I was a mother of one for six years and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was the best time. Now that I have more than one I feel like I am not able to be the parent I would like to be to each child. I feel like I have to give them “what I can” and hope it’s enough. This article comes across as an article written for the mothers who need an excuse to feel good about themselves for being stay at home mothers and being surrounded by a ridiculous number of children. It feels as if it were written for those mothers who use having children as an excuse not to stay in shape or be overweight, or not have a life outside their children. I think one child is a WONDERFUL time. Whatever number of children works for a person or family is what works. I read this as a mocking of mother’s of one and maybe you should get out of the house and find a life outside your children and develop your own interests and hobbies.

I was the daughter of a single mom.  I always instinctively knew it would have been easier with one brothers or sisters.  Thank you for writing this.  It is a beautiful thing.

You sounded a little obsessive-compulsive there for a minute. Maybe a visit to a psychiatrist could’ve helped. I find mothers that are like that VERY annoying. It’s like, chill out, woman!

Great read.  Thanks for sharing your thoughts about motherhood.  I, with strong desire to have 3 or 4 kids, often wonder how the difficulty will change with each one (we are currently at one - 10mo, not sleeping through the night - help!). I don’t understand why people troll sites just to be nasty.  Know that for every hater out there who doesn’t quite know how to formulate their opposing views politely there are 10 supporters who just don’t comment.  Keep writing.  Keep sharing. Take care.

So, one of the moms in our group posted this article for us to read, saying it’s well worth it.. I saw the title & said oh yes, it’s an article about me! I’m a mother of one..
But after reading the article, I have this perplexed look on my face like, what? How can she assume that I had a difficult time raising my son as an only??? So this article is not about me or moms w/ onlies but rather “grandiosing” of how a great mother the author is?? Well then, good for you for having 9 children..(not unusual in my culture)..I say, hey if you want to have 10 kids, can manage it somehow then why not!
But to assume that all moms of onlies only want one child is rather presumptuous on your part, don’t you think? Believe me, if I could have another child I would, but having my child at 41 (am now 45 y/o) & all my eggs have shriveled up, God said well, at least you have one & for that I am grateful.. I am having a jolly time raising my son..yes, some times are difficult but not the point where you seem to think we have nervous breakdowns & such..
I don’t hate you! :) I fact I admire you & I’m sure you’re a great mother & your kids are so lucky to have you (your husband too)..but please don’t look down your nose at us, moms of onlies.. you can never assume you know why we chose to have only one child.. Just next time, maybe your title shouldn’t be misleading.. Why not re-title it “Mother of 9 & Proud of it!”

thank you for your thoughts. the message i get here is that mommyhood is tough, whatever number. in april i will hopefully give birth to my first, shortly before my husband has to leave for a long time for his work. i am glad for the message to be patient with myself when my child gets here. i won’t be perfect, doesn’t mean anyone gets to push me around or try to change me. i’ve already dealt with that during pregnancy…mommy know it alls…so i am very selective now who i discuss what with. i’m just glad there are those out there who know what i’m going through.

I am sorry for the times i have not appreciated myself for the sacrifices i have given my kids and for the times i haven’t it was bitter sorrow.
i am refining myself right now and like two beautiful stones hitting together i am becoming all that God wants me to be.
Pain, joy and many hard and trying days along with joyous days it is worth the fight and the end result will be pure joy for the ones who I could reach and the things I could overcome. Children are our beacons of light whom we are entrusted with to prepare to meet Christ.

Your articles are beautiful, I hope you don’t take to heart some of the biting things that are said on here. If someone doesn’t like how you look at life, why don’t they ignore your blog? I do not have kids yet (been married 1 year) But coming from a family of seven, I understand where you are coming from. My mom loves your blogs, and I think they are really beautiful.

People can be so silly. Thank goodness we have freedom of speech right? And they have the right to say nasty things to you, just know that the majority of those who read this are so grateful for your voicing things they feel ashamed of feeling… God bless.

...I should say, ashamed of feeling, when really they are just natural and a part of motherhood.

So true and so very well said!  I’m a very recent empty nester, and though it’s a wonderful new time in our life, it is hard to let go, time really does fly.  It humbles and blesses me to the ground to think of the very great gift our children are, from a very wise God, who knows we are dust, but somehow gives us what we need to raise these amazing creations.
I remember well when I had only one child and it was the hardest thing.  Thank you for that encouragement to new moms.  A gift!

While I do agree that the initial period of learning to be a mother is very difficult, I have to disagree that having one is harder than having more. My husband & I joke that we thought it was so hard having one child, until we had more! There is a WORLD of difference. While I feel extremely blessed to have beautiful, healthy children, there are days I wish I could escape for some time to just be ME again. These days I run errands when I only have the youngest with me, while the others are in school. After you’ve experienced having more than one child, the times you have only one with you are almost as easy as being alone.

I give praise to the people who only have one or NONE at all! The only thing that is really hard is making up your own mind and keeping to it no matter what the people or religions around you say! We are all one and there are TOO many children in this world. We need to quit thinking about what we want and start seeing what makes sense! Sometimes doing the hard thing is the right thing for the times! 9 children ?????? selfish!

God bless you I needed to read this as I have an 8 yr old but we now have a new baby he is soon to be 9 months and everything you wrote I have felt nearly in that same way…it brought tears to my eyes as I thought..“she knows….she knows….Im not alone! I dont have to be supermom!” Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo MUCH!

Now I am old. I wake up wondering what am I going to do today? I sleep in. Laundry is few and far between. I hardly ever cook. The house is never messy. I am hardly sick. I can get in the car and just go. I can’t blame anything on my kids. Where are my children?  My house is empty.  My house is so silent.  I hardly ever hear my favorite word “Mom” any more!  I look at families with kids and wonder how do you do it?  Then I think back… I had 7 children and wonder how did I ever do it?  One at a time!  One day at a time!  One hour at a time!  Five minutes at a time!  You just do it!  I am so grateful to Father in Heaven for the experience of being a MOM.  I’ve developed compassion and love through it. I like who I have become. I like who I am.  Just remember you are not raising an object.  You are raising a child of God.

As someone destined from the beginning of time (I am convinced of it!) to be the mother of at least four children, I am forever apalled that I have only one. How did this happen!? It is a sadness that endures, even now, when my one beautiful child is 42 years old. How can I only have one child? Did God forget about me?

But luck has it——and my apologies to all the rest of you, I am sure your children are lovely and bright——that I simply happen to have the most perfect child ever. I have only one, but as I said, she is the most perfect.

I read this piece by Simcha Fischa and felt as though I had found an essay I had written long ago and forgotten about. It spoke to my heart. Thank you, profoundly, for touching my heart and reminding me to celebrate the fact that it is not sad that I am the mother of “only one child.” Like Dorothy Parker’s “One Perfect Rose,” it is a magnificent, life-altering, ever joyful reality, that I was chosen by God to have this one beautiful child. I am blessed.

“You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.  For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.”

I love these lines. So true.  I’m a mother of three.  My son is 25 and married with two children, I just sent my middle daughter to college this last summer and my youngest child will be leaving for college this August.  Things are shifting.  And all I can hope is that I raised them to leave.  Some days, I can’t wait to start this part of my life and others, I picture myself wandering around the house wondering who I am and what to do with all my free time.  But there is a sweetness in the leaving, too.  Sounds like you’ve figured it out. You enjoy the now and find beauty in the drudgery, the endless details, while they’re with you.  And that’s a great lesson we can all apply to all areas of our lives.  Thanks!

“Used” I just read your resent/after post to me today. I do not hate you. Hate is not in my vocabulary. I read your new post 3 times. It was appreciated. The knife part and 60 yr old man thinking her could get a 25 yr old parts especially hit me. I have been through much violence (verbally and physically) and very painful times in my 39 years yet I remain very kind (well I was very defensive in what I wrote you but I promise I am kind) With that being said it really upsets me to the core when people complain about things that are amazing blessings like “only have one child” (with a good husband) when some of us have struggled so much ever step of the way with no reward. When some of us are so alone with no child and no significant other and so despaired that we try to end our own lives. (Your knife part totally HIT me- it was not your life ( on mine in my case last week) to take it is Gods life and His alone).  My mother says my reward is in Heaven. I’m glad you and I cleared our misunderstanding and gave each other new view points to consider. I apologize for saying you were unempathetic. I have been the sole empathetic person in my own life for myself and for others so all I know (literally) is lack of external empathy. God bless you “Used”.

Thanks so much for sharing this! I am a mother of one and am not having any more! I also was an only child. I do worry constantly about my lil girl who is 4 going on 14! I will say that I am truly blessed to have her and will face any challenge for her. She is an awesome child with such a wonderful personality. We live, we love, and we learn. The experiences are priceless!

I needed this!

Wow, people are reading WAY too much into this! My goodness. I am a mother of one ( I hope to have more, God willing), and I kept nodding at every word. Having one can definitely be harder, not only because you’re a newbie, but because you feel like you don’t have a “right” to complain, be frustrated or tired, or simply want a vacation. It feels like you need to have at least two that have that “privilege!” : ) And it certainly is an adjustment period. People, take a deep breath. This woman isn’t trying to patronize anyone.

I couldnt have said this any better myself! I thought I was the only woman in the world to have those same thoughts and feelings w my first child. I wish I would have seen an artical like this 9 years ago! Every first mom should read this!!!!!

To the mothers of “onlies”: When you just can’t take one more snarky
remark from the “overbreeders” who’s favorite sport is taking you and your only down, here is the Perfect Squelch! In you sweetest voice remind them ” Well, the Blessed Mother had only one”! That shuts even the most vociferous up…especially if they are CATHOLIC!! I offered this to a nun teacher of my only child daughter who had made me feel like a non-mother for the LAST time! It made me feel realllllllll good!

I am bothered by the number of people who are criticizing this woman for having more than one child. Maybe one of those children will develop a cure for cancer, help the impoverished or inspire others inside a classroom. Or maybe they will just become wonderful, well-rounded people loved by their family and friends. It is sickening that people see children as disposable or unnecessary. I would ask any one of you to go up to one of these sweet children and tell them that they are a bane on the environment and should never have been born.

Sigh. Yes! So great!

ThristforTruth:

Jesus was not an only child.

Mark 6:3 and Matthew 13:55 write of Jesus family: “Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary, the brother of James, and Joses, and of Juda, and Simon? and are not his sisters here with us?” Mark 6:3

Thank you for this post.  I have six children.  The youngest is sixteen.  I haven’t seen the three oldest (31, 28, 24) in more than five years.  Letting go is so much more painful than the lack of sleep or time for self ever was.  But to have had the opportunity to provide bodies for six of Heavenly Father’s Spirit Children is the best blessing ever.  Whether you get to have one child or twenty or are only blessed to nuture the children of others, being part of His creative process is wonderful, unforgettable, and eternal.

As a healthy woman who spent 8 long years in a marriage with an abusive man, I do not feel badly for using birth control.  I am supportive of others’ right to follow their conscience in not doing so, but I don’t think it’s a sin…

What a lovely article.  I’m not sure where most of the hostility is coming from in the notes.  People read things into this that I certainly did not read.

David - if you see this - I feel your pain.  Believe it or not, not all moms fit in either.  I was home with twins when they were young and dreaded going to the playground because the other moms were always so exclusive and unfriendly.  The only people who ever talked to me were grandmoms and dads.  So, look around for that mom that’s standing in the corner of the playground by herself that the other mom’s won’t talk to.  She’ll probably be just as happy to have someone say hi and be friendly as you would be.

I looove this. They slip right through your fingers. After teaching you sooooo much. Sniffle. Sob.

NINE? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! GOD SAVE THE PLANET!

GASP! I know I’m “late” reading this - sorry, I’m a mother of one child, heh heh. This is really well written my friend, and something I seriously might just print out and hang somewhere. Something. Thanks a ton for the encouragement. It was many things I’ve heard from others, but short, to the point, concise, very Simcha. God bless you and your ascending balloons.

Nobody told u to have that many, so if u have 9 kids that’s your choice.

wahhhhhhh

This a wonderful testament of the “new mother time”.  My mom raised 11 of us and I can’t imagine how tough it was in the beginning.  I would marvel every time I had issues with just two kids.  The worst time as a sibling was when someone commented “what, again??” such as the comment from “Tim”.  We have an absolutely fantastic family; no inner feuds, not one of us ever felt left out, one of the crowd, etc. New parenting is difficult and I give all the credit to those moms and dads no matter how many children because when you put your heart and soul into being a good strong parent and reel from the eye rolls and squabbling, you know you are raising a good strong child who will eventually become a good strong adult.

The hardest part of being the mother of one or two is the harsh judgmentalism from conservative Catholic moms with large families. I have only two not because I only wanted two but due to a specific health problem.  I get comments like, “Well, you only have two so it’s easier” and I am expected to do more for everyone and do it better and not EVER complain. As well as babysit and help with their kids since they have more and I owe it to the bigger families to help out.  But no one helps me with anything and I have no family in the area. I deal my health problems and my kid’s health problems (none of which are obvious by looking at us and which I don’t advertise)by myself with no moral or practical support from anyone until my husband gets home and I can collapse in bed.  So I appreciate this article for sticking up for us moms of small families.  No one knows what another mom is going through.

I tell people, all the time, that “once you hit two, you might as well have seven. You’ve lost all your friends anyway.” When you have one child, friends might still invite you over for dinner, someone might volunteer to babysit, and you can probably afford daycare.

When you have two, though, all that disappears. Nobody is interested in feeding you and your unruly brood, certainly nobody wants to babysit them, childcare is so expensive you have to quit your job and watch your own kids…Go ahead and have more. Single life is over. Each subsequent child is easier because you have built-in helpers.

Confession: I gave away all my first child’s baby clothes. My son was so difficult, and I felt so incompetent, that I decided to have no more babies. I was completely overwhelmed, bored out of my mind, often tearful.

Birth control failed (I’m Mormon, not Catholic), and I found myself pregnant again. I had SERIOUS pre-partum depression. But the second baby turned out to be a delight, my once-terrible first child actually turned into a helpful older brother, and we were off to the races. Social life ended, family life started. Now with seven kids, it’s all “whatever. Life’s a breeze.”

—Mom of seven, six of whom are college-aged and over, and back to having just one child at home. It’s actually harder—because I have to entertain her myself—than having a crew.

Thank you for this article. I was really needing it, and a friend passed it along. I shared it on my blog. Please feel free to read what I wrote.
http://speakjanespeak.com/?p=1069

@Janelle:
OK now I have to tell you something.  My last response spent days in the moderation queue so I thought it wasn’t going to be printed.  In that time I have thought a great deal about how/what I wrote to you and I have not stopped thinking and analyzing the impact of my words and how I may have upset someone who is out there suffering.  I even took this to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament yesterday and prayed for you, and for myself that I may be more careful/compassionate.

So, to now come back, and see that my response did show up and then to read your reaction, actually brought me a tear of relief!  Really!  No one would guess it look at me, (I can come across as a “tough guy” type on the outside) but I am a very deeply caring person - or at least I TRY to be.  But I am not perfect.  My whole reason for responding to you was precisely b/c your pain was apparent and being ignored.  As for my knife comment, I shared that because I wanted you to know how I overcame that!  I did it by admitting that I was trying to be God to myself.  That I was insisting on my own plans.  I did not become free from self loathing/pity and depression until I realized that if I accepted God’s way for me, instead of fighting against it, I may find peace and freedom. I realized I’d been sold a bill of goods and believed things should be a certain way in my life.  It was a lie.  I finally found The Truth. God’s way or misery.  (God’s way: “you are my friends when you keep my commands.” I wasn’t doing that either.  God’s way, “My burden is LIGHT”.  It is.)

I replied more generally because I was upset at the idea that this beautiful post was being misinterpreted in my view. 

I am still having a hard time understanding how so many people could read this post and think that Mrs. Fisher was complaining - at all really, about anything!  She was merely writing to a specific group of people and explaining how she “gets it” - that dealing with one child can be extremely difficult.  That is simply an ineffable truth.  She was commiserating with the single mom who struggles, as many do.

She is saying that she understands the feeling that some mothers have when they see a mom with more children, or a lot of children who seem to “have it all together” while they may be having a tough time with one.  I thought it was beautiful and kind of her.  These moms NEED that extra support from other mothers.  I intimated earlier that my wife almost did not make it due to her own struggles and feelings of inadequacy after one baby.  This article struck me as very supportive of those women - like my wife.

So I am left here amazed that so many could think that, because you support one person in one situation, you are not caring somehow about others who can not even be in that situation.  I just don’t see it that way.  They are two different things.  We may be compassionate about both situations but write only about one at a time, can’t we?

Anyway, God bless you!  In our nightly prayers, my wife and I will remember you - by name - and all those who fight the good fight while feeling alone.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!  Remember that the One Who Matters Most is always there for you - when you go to Him.  He was The One who said, “Happy are those who morn for they will be comforted.”  I hope you will find comfort and peace of heart.

Love this post.  So very true.

Wear condoms. Having nine children is bad for your health. Being dead doesn’t make you a good parent. People who have not created a financial burden that threatens their lives are expected to ask why you have so many children.

Who could possibly curse this poor struggling planet with more than 2 kids?  I thought the Catholic Church wisened up about birth control
(except for the pope who still commands poor countries to not even use condoms).  It is all crazy to me and explains why I haven’t been near a Catholic church in years.

I find it interesting that my friends who are Catholic get very upset when I talk about adopting or doing foster care as a single person. “Kids need two parents…” But that does not make sense if u can provide a great home. It’s better than growing up in an orphanage isn’t it??? The “I am above you” attitude from married people with kids only enhances the loniless of those of us who are single, childless and totally alone. It is interesting how when my Catholic friends want to get pregnant (regardless of what time) they always ask me to pray for them (and I always do). And when they have their babies I always get asked to bring a full family meal (and I always do). But where are they when I cry myself to sleep or when I sat in my car with the engine on in the closed garage ???? Where were they???? Real Christian!!!!!!!! Please if you are blessed with even one kid (and husband) please reach out to those who are single. (One of the families I brought a large meal to after the baby was born to help them out because they were “too tired to cook” - well they took my meal and invited people over and threw a party!!! Really Christian!)

Very, very true - I’m the mother of one right now, and I’m finding it terribly difficult. He has motor delays, so that makes it even harder. I constantly worry that I don’t have enough time to give him enough stimulation every day. When I do have an extra 5 minutes, I feel bad if I don’t spend it on him.

Another mother told me once that the first is a learning experience - it’s much harder going from 0 to 1, the rest that follow are easier as you’ve already given up yourself. :) Just less sleep (if that’s even possible) than with only 1!

Now, only if I could get my hubby to read this!

wow.  As a mother of one child (trying for #2) and as an older mother (40) I know that I will most likely never have more than two children.  I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this today - after a particularly difficult afternoon with my toddler, I’ve been questioning my ability to be a SAHM almost as much as I’ve been questioning my sanity.  So thank you for reminding me that it is hard work and to cut myself a little slack. 

I feel better now.  :)

Thank you for that! My husband and I have be debating about having our second child and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle it. Our son is 16 months and I feel like he won’t get as much attention as he does now. Or how am I going to keep a clean house and a happy husband.

It is a wonderfully written article. But for those of you talking about God ordained how many kids you had. No, he didn’t. Your open legs and lack of any control did. God gives us the means, not the predetermination. If it’s hard, close your legs or get some control, and one day, you will wind up out of the mire of burden you’re bemoaning.

Im really not surprised at the negative comments…Its always about finding the negative in everything even it its not there. You who think she is smug and arrogant are taking to much time to read between the lines, whats not in this article. She never said you must have more then one child…shes just explaining her own experience in having multiple children and how she felt with the first. There are many different types of mothers…shes just explaining herself to other mothers like her. AND trying to encourage! Its like women are always thinking someone is calling them a bad mother. Get over it…the world is not out to get you!

I thank God everyday for the my children. I became a widow at age 25 and have to go across the globe to work and provide for the better economic future of my children, therefore leaving my children with their grandparents, uncles and aunties. Because of immigration reasons I was not able to bring them with me. I left my country, my children and my whole self seems to have been disconnected. Not seeing my children everyday is like death. Worst feelings than the sudden death of my loving husband. I long to feel, touch,see, play, hug, smell or even just to hear their voices every second that I was away from them at such tender ages of only 2 & 3 yrs. old. Everyday I struggled and always pray to God for their safety and asked God to at least let me dream that I am playing with them in my sleep. Missing them is an understatement, I was dying inside, I just wanted to be numb or better yet death was sweet at that point. Yet, my children had sustained me and continued hoping that someday we will be together again. We were reunited after 4 years.  That was one of the happiest day of my life. But their growing years that I missed is irreparable. I just have to let go and attend to the present. The moment that God has given us to be together again is a prayer in itself. I am now blessed with 2 grand kids. Twins - a boy & a girl. They’re an absolute gift from God. I love them to the core of my bones. I am blessed with their presence. I thank God for them everyday.  So, to parents who are still raising their babies, I know how hard it is. But be thankful while you have them. It is easier to take care of them then leave them for a job because they give you the best satisfaction and unconditional love. Enjoy their presence, their needs, their voices, etc. If it gets overwhelming, call for help. Call the grandmas, grandpas, friends, nurses care hotline, there are so many help out there. Also watch for symptoms of post natal blue. I this happens see a doctor immediately. One of my prayers everyday for you all young mothers out there, and mothers who have difficult teenagers. May God bless you all mothers, You are the heroes of our society. and Father’s too.

I just finished writing a wiki how on ST FRANCIS, make me a channel of your peace.My mothers favorite song,it remind us to love in stead of demanding love, to console instead of asking to be consoled, to pardon instead of refusing to forgive.We can CHOSE LOVE.

I also thought being a mother was so exhausting, but I miss my sons being little boys. I had my sons when I was very young, I am almost 50 my oldest son is 32 & my youngest son is 27. They both moved out when they were 17. I have been blessed with 3 grand children, but they are growing up fast my oldest grandson is 10 now. My comment is look at motherhood as the greatest gift GOD can ever bless us with & it gets better with grand children.

to Joe and to John- Both of you are nasty with your “close your legs comments’. OMG why don’t you men just keep your pants on- is it always the woman? That is just so crass of both of you to say. However, even more then your comment I am more disappointed in the reality that I am the only person on this “Christian” site that is bothered by this comment enough to say something.  Did you both know that YOU came from women/ You two want some man talking to your mother in that way! That is just nasty!

Thank you for your encouragment and wisdom!  I have 8 children and also had 5 miscarriages, but if I could do it again I’d have 16 children.  We have 5 that are married and only one of those lives close by so we are blessed to enjoy playing with grandchildren.  Sweet open mouthed kisses and sparkling eyes make all the sleepness nights worth it. We have 3 babies coming this year to bring us to 15. God bless all the mothers and fathers who know that “happy is the man whose quiver is full.”

tears of joy.

i have three at home and they are my loves and my heart attacks. i love every sleepless minute and every hug and kiss and every drool and every diaper and every successful potty.

you are wonderful for being as Grace-full as you are. how amazing to hear someone who sympathizes and understands, and then breaks it down for us who didn’t or don’t. i have been resentful of mothers who only had one and said how hard it is. i try to remember what it was like when i was 19 and a new mom, and i keep it to myself. but i still know that it was there. thank you for opening my eyes. thank you for being an example of Grace.

now: all of those who are being hateful and spiteful: you are right in very many ways. “keep your legs shut” and “overbreeders” and control yourself and “financial burden” and “selfish” etc. all would be valid advice and opinions if they weren’t written in such a condemning fashion. God gives us these choices and we have faith and we make decisions. and we stand by these decisions. He has a plan for us whichever way we choose. No Matter What.

i would advise you to reread this article and not remember that it is NOT our job to judge anyone.

however: I am praying for you.

sorry: ...and REMEMBER it is not our job to judge… not “not remember”...

When I read up to the point where you said how much you suffered and invented errands, dawdled and took the long way home” I had to quit!
Glad you did not die of boredom during that time since there is just nothing to do at all when you “only have ONE child” - REALLY??

?…sigh…wonderful

Don’t forget that some women can have no children, or are lucky to just have gotten the one they have.  I found the condescending attitude in this piece to be deplorable.  Some of us would welcome the chance to breed as freely as you have.  Shameful.

A beautiful article.  Thank you from a single mother of one beautiful little girl!  I made the decision to bring her into this world on my own.

“To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible.  But who I am now is something more terrible:  the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.

Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard.  You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.  For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left”  - This hit home.  Thank you :)
“

I am the mother of only one child, a 3 month old. Thank you so much for writing this article. It so perfectly puts into words the feelings of being a new mother.

This article is so sad!  I’m a mother of one and I don’t feel as depressed as this article sounds.  I get a bit bored sometimes, it’s true.

I have long been the mom that has been teaching my 4 kids to ultimately be independent of me so that they can function in life without my incessant intervention. I also pursue my own interests, hobbies, and friends that aren’t parents of the kids’ friends. When those birdies leave the nest, I don’t want to be the mother-in-law complained about on the internet for being intrusive, overbearing, and having forgotten to untie the apron strings.

This article is beautiful! I agree with every point. I, too, remember how hard it was adjusting to motherhood the first time around and how lonely I was in that apartment all day long with only my son’s company. Many children (and nearly 22 years)later, life is so much easier. Thank God for children!

I just want to add that God gives you the grace to take care of however many children He wants you to raise. When I had one child, I only had the grace to take care of one. My husband and I now have seven children and one grandchild.

Beautifully written. However, those of you who are blessed with nine children (or eight, or seven) try to refrain from your hurtful and annoying comments as well. Not all of us with no, one or two children contracept. Not all of us are ‘closed to God’s will,” or “Selfish,” or are incapable of having a larger family because we work or just can’t cope. There are a lot of articles in the Catholic world about people who are judged for having a large family but those of us who have small families (due to miscarriages, infertility, and other illnesses which have caused us to be infertile) are not always judging you. Many of us look at your family. We stare. We laugh at your little one’s antics during mass but not for the reasons you may think. We long for that large family. We desire it more than anything. We confess covetousness frequently and wish we could hold your newborn baby in our arms. Sometimes what you think we are thinking is the exact opposite. Some of us have been unable even to adopt because of frequent moves or illnesses that make us high risk for death. I’ve seen so many of these articles but none about those of us who are the “Sarahs” and “Eizabeths” of our time. Be kind to them, too. Enjoy your blessings, because they are certainly blessings…blessings not everyone is able to have.

I am a new mother of one child who often feels like she is losing herself, or doesn’t know who she is now.  I worry that I’m doing it wrong, that I’m missing something, because motherhood isn’t the sheer bliss everyone said it would be.  Sometimes I want this first year to be over with so badly!  But I can’t tell anyone that, because it makes me sound like an awful person.  I’m crying after reading your article.  Thank you for writing it; I’m glad to know I’m not alone.

Your article makes it sound like there’s something wrong with having only one child. I’m an only child, my husband is an only child and my son is an only child. We are a complete, happy family of three. I’m able to provide for my son in ways parents of multiple children will never be able to. He gets our full attention all the time, we’ll never miss a single baseball practice in place of attending a sibling’s ballet recital, and his college is already paid for. There are many more advantages to having one child than there are to having nine.

I, too, am a mother of one.  Why is it that moms of one seem to get pity, yet moms of many, retaliate when someone makes a comment on the size of their brood?  I would have LOVED to field a baseball team, but that was not God’s plan for me or for many others.  Whether it is fertility, finances, marriage stability, or whatever the issue, it is none of your business, but please, don’t assume that just because I have only one, that was all I wanted.  I am SO tired of listening to moms of more than one act like they balance the national budget everyday, inferring that moms of less just don’t match up. Don’t deny it, you know that attitude has come from you before; whether you intended it or not, it was there.  I am so tired of holding my tongue listening to the accomplishments of the mom that took ALL her kids to Target and had to endure the, “guess you didn’t know where kids came from” comment from the stranger, who bless their heart, can think of nothing better to say. Suck it up and quit acting so self righteous.  You are a mom, just like me, no better, no worse. Sorry for the rambling, I am finally venting after 6 years of hearing how empty my life is with only one.
p.s.  just read Chris’s comment.  That’s what I meant to say, but frustration got in the way. Thanks Chris.

I’ve read a few comments that seem to be a little hostile toward parents that choose to have one and only one child…. What’s so wrong with that? What’s so wrong with knowing your limits, wanting to be 100% sure that you can give your one child the best of everything, including yourself? I love devoting myself to my daughter and I also love the free time I can still have while only having one child. Why is this wrong, to only want one child?

LOVE!

I’m a regular reader who happened to miss this post until today… so many visitors, so many of them angry! I doubt you’ll get to this comment, Simcha (it must be true that once the zero population whackos come out it is time to stop reading comments), but thank you for writing it just the same. God bless the women who weren’t frazzled as new moms, but for the rest of us it is always nice to have a veteran mom (of 1, 5 10, doesn’t matter) say “As they get older, it gets easier.” Thanks!

Though I don’t take particular offense to your article, I find it amazingly one-sided and naive.  First of all, many of us are single parents, making the job a non-stop, unaided one, at least when it comes to the aid of other people such as a spouse.  Single parenthood is difficult for reasons beyond dual parenthood; for one, the Catholic Church tends not to see our families as real families, as indicated by every discussion/homily/blog post on “family” unequivocally including a mother and a father.  However, I also see your article as naive because, though I am the mother of one, she is not “only one child.”  That diminishes who she is and our family of two.  You may be married and have multiple children but it is obvious that you have not had much personal experience outside of the blueprint for life that was handed down to you from your parents.  Some of us were forced because of the way life happened (God’s will?) to draw our own unique blueprint for life in this world.  We have lived original lives within our faith.  Though we tend to be invisible to the masses, we are here and nothing about our lives can be described as “only.”

I’m a mother of 8 children and now 5 beautiful grandchildren with two more on the way.  My children were my life (along with my husband) and I don’t regret one second of it.  I’m so grateful for each and every one of them and their different personalities.  Each one was a gift from God and now I’ve been given the gift of grandchildren.  Raising children isn’t easy whether you have one or 20, but it’s certainly the most worthwhile occupation in this universe.  God bless ALL the mothers out there whether they have one child or 20.

It’s all so true! Only with the 4th Baby I gave birth to I really felt as an experiencend mother. Motherhood became much more easier with more than “only one” child.

Mothers are great regardless if they have one child or twenty.  Being a mother is the hardest job in the world, and they reap endless rewards from one child or twenty.  My mom had two children - one boy and one girl.  Even though she had only two children, she was, and still is happy, with just my brother and me.  Back problems kept her from having more children, but we were all very happy as a small family.  And, no matter how old your children are, you never stop being a mom, whether you have one child or twenty!

Love this article, just beautiful. I’m a mother of one and I find it so challenging, and I see my friends juggle three, four, five or seven children with ease. Thanks for writing this. It brought tears to my eyes, but good ones!

Women who say they have “enough trouble” with only one child are really saying they don’t want any more children—period! Is it wrong to want other aspects of life?

Please read this blog response!

http://lovethislittlefamily.blogspot.com/2012/01/to-child-with-many-siblings.html

Sincerely,
The oldest of 6

I basically disagree with the post for two reasons, regardless of religion:
1) Since you wish others to respect your decision of having as many babies as you want, I believe you should respect other’s decisions, it doesn’t matter what. Trying to explain others reasons open the door for others to do the same with you.
2) So many orphans in the world wanting a family, a home, love, attention, protection… Also, isn’t the world already crowded? Haven’t we been talking about the colapse of natural resources, water deficity and lack of food in the near future? What if the whole world stopped birth control methods? What would happen? I’m sorry, but this is such a serious subject, which affects the whole world, that should not be treated with such simplicity like “i have less time but i am happier”.
We, as human beings breathing the same air, drinking the same water, need to think more as a group and less as individuals.

Perhaps those mothers of ONLY one child are yearning, aching for more children, as I am. Perhaps they are envious and dont know how to express it. Perhaps they are terrified that one days that only child will grow up and leave them, if they have raised her well. Perhaps…

One is better than none. You do NOT know what “lonely” is!!! Yes I’m angry. I am angry that I’ve done what God wants with no reward of a husband or kids while I know many woman who spread rumors and do lots of other Christain things yet they have a husband and kids. I am angry at the TOTAL and complete lack of any community feel for adult singles unmarried and childless within the Catholic church. Yes I am angry at the ABSOLUTE LACK of walking in another’s shoes, lack of empathy, lack of understanding towards single unmarried and childless in the Catholic church. When a Catholic has a new baby and needs a meal they always ask the singles for it but where are they when that single is TOTALLY alone needing someone to share a meal with them????? NO WHERE that’s where! I have left the church because of my discouragement.  Be grateful for your husband and for your one kid.

I have two sons, 2.5 years and 5 months….Thank you for doing such a beautiful job of lifting other mothers up.  More often than not, I feel like other mothers are doing their best to point out my flaws as a mother, push me around, and force their ways on me….I think we should all be doing our best to encourage each other as fellow mothers.  The fundamental struggles are the same from one mother to the next…..thank you for making me feel like there’s nothing wrong with me!

Thank you so much for this. I have one child, almost three years old. To put it mildly: she is a live wire. We are open to more children (read: been trying for a while). While my heart and arms ache for another tiny baby to love and hold, my mind and body say “Are you serious? How can you manage another?” I’m so thankful to know that other women, wonderful mothers, have had some of the same thoughts and feelings I have had.

I have a different perspective on this. I enjoyed the article, and recall how I marvelled at my own mother managing with 9, when my first baby arrived and I felt like every single moment was a struggle. I have found all the angry mothers’ to be rather narrow minded, in their inability to see and accept someone else’s perspective as valid. Personally, despite having 2 kids of my own, that I love dearly with all my heart, every day, I confess would rather have none. I find so few of the joys that others seem to expound upon. I find long day after day of hardship and difficulty that exhaust and drain me, leaving me with no reserves to face the rest of my life. As a result of my Catholic upbringing, whereby I was firmly raised to believe that god blesses us with as many children as he sees fit and that children are just that: a blessing and a joy, I allowed myself to fall pregnant once I was married. My husband had an affair, left me and our 6mth old son, returned 9mths later and I felt it my christian duty to my marriage to try again to fix it; he left 6wks later, when I was pregnant again. Throughout that period, I suffered undiagnosed postnatal depression, which led on to clinical depression, and later as I struggled to understand my oldest son, a diagnosis for both him and I, of ADHD. So, to those mothers that see condescending and patronizing tones in Simcha’s blog post, spare a thought for those of us that with no matter how many children, do not enjoy the process, and are grateful that some other people like Simcha, instead of judging, offer empathy and try to understand that what looks easy to some, may be insurmountable to others, in what ever words she chooses to use. I forgo the increasingly trite titles of “catholic” or “christian” these days, as I see the hard, unforgiving faces that all too often hide behind them. How many of you in this column claim that holier-than-thou title of christian, and yet spew your vitriol out on someone whose only intent is to share some of what it is supposed to mean to be christian: kindness, compassion and some empathy for those who struggle.

Vampire bats breed like crazy and no one thinks it’s cute.

As the parent of one, and done, internationally adopted child this article is belittling, small minded, and pathetically lacking in empathy to anyone who chooses to parent regardless of the bodycount.  Welcome to planet barf.

Gavin, though I don’t really agree with the style of your post, I had to wave a hello to a fellow parent of an internationally adopted child.  We both know ti takes more than just a little faith to go through the process.  I do agree that the article belittles the value of children without siblings and the wisdom of their parents.  As I said in my previous post, there is nothing “only” about my child or our compact family.

I have mixed emotions regarding this article. I am not sure if I feel angry because I a mother of one, NOT BY MY CHOICE,BUT BY GOD’S! I then became a single mother of one child. I never complained about how hard I had it. I savored ever second I had with my beautiful miracle. Was it because I had suffered the loss of a child, or because I was a older parent? I am not sure but I loved every second of ever minute! I would of loved to have more but was never blessed with another chance. I know people have the right to speak their peace BUT as a woman that has lost the precious gift of a child, I dislike hearing others complain about having to many and/or working to hard for their gift of children.

What about women who can only have one child, and envy those with more?

I disagree with those who say Simcha is only offering her own experience. No, she is describing her own experience as if it mirrors that of other mothers of one child, and is addressing them directly as if they are in need of her advice and counsel, as if their experience and their perspective mirrors hers.

As I wrote in my earlier post, it would be fine if she simply described her experience, her feelings. But to open with “Dear mother with only one child” and then to proceed in a tone that says “I know what you’re feeling/going through” goes beyond simply giving HER experience. That is why it feels patronizing and condescending.

So sorry, Simcha, that you had to read all this vitriol as a tired mom of a newborn… No wonder you then wrote a blog about apologies afterward! Your husband has his job cut out for him, being your support! Don’t let it get to you. I’m sure you’ll be more careful with ” only” from now on just to stop the combox hemmorage, but otherwise this falls under stuff you don’t apologize for. But I will say… i really think a great post, sarcastic or otherwise, could cover the overpopulation question. Please?!?

I find it sad to keep reading posts that are so full of anger and resentment toward Simcha’s loving encouragement. The first time I read her essay, I thought it was poignant, honest and vulnerable. After reading so many harsh critical posts, I went back and reread it. I still feel it is honest and vulnerable. But if you allow yourself to hold on to resentment and anger regarding how unfair your own situation has been, then I do see how you may feel it is patronizing. Life here on earth is brief and filled with so many surprising and sometimes difficult circumstances that are out of our control. I know this sounds trite, but the old quote “Life is what happens while we are making plans” is so very true. When we find ourselves feeling such anger towards a person we have never even met is a clue that we are holding tight to bitter resentments. Just as I have taken the time to reread her essay to re-evaluate what others seem to finding so offensive, I hope those who do find it offensive can take the time to reread it through gentler eyes.

This is so good & true ... Don’t know why but the being sleep- deprived had allot to do with the crazy thoughts for me… I too remember being a Mother of one… Who’s feet never touched the floor for the first year of her life ... & who are those people that we wanted to impress with our natural mothering skills… No one knows what to do with the 1st one…I am so glad I am no longer impressing on them… And get that life is wayy too short to give them a second thought anymore… Now with 4 kids.
... My family… Each and every person in my care gets the real…not the show… & that just comes from realizing who I am… And I only have this one life to live… And I have chosen to live it for real… For me and my family… As hard as it can get…with lack of sleep ... All the smells… The dishes… The laundry… The making of nutritious meals stuck on the stove top… It gets better with each day I get to share with my kids… The best and the worst… And loving my life! Thank you for sharing ... Not enough is talked about the whole of being a mom of one…when I am done crying I am going in for a hug or two from my youngest…

I agree with Holly and Kathryn, above, and all the others commented on the article’s beauty and honesty. Simcha, you nailed it.
Those who subsequently lashed out with snarky or hurtful comments must themselves be hurting or troubled, or they would not bother to post with such vitriol. It puzzles (and I shouldn’t admit to it, but sometimes amuses) me when women who would describe themselves as “pro-woman” behave in this manner, because it is so intrinsically hypocritical! If you are truly “pro choice” then someone else having nine children, or six, or eighteen, shouldn’t bother you.  There are a lot of “walking wounded” out there since 1973, and the concept of motherhood now divides, instead of uniting, women in our country. No surprise that the origin of the word “diabolical” comes from the Greek word meaning “to divide.” So: in encouraging other women and supporting them, Simcha has shown herself to be truly pro-woman. And as for the haters? Well, not so much.

Wow!! That just made my day… I am a mother of four, 31 years old. My oldest is 11, 9, 4 and 2! I work full time and go to college online. I have never felt so, how to explain? Not a person, but I’m a mama!!! And one day it will all be gone, I need to not sweat the small stuff and be in the moment… :)

To Holly, Kathryn, and Jeannette, and anyone else who feels that those of us who find this blog post patronizing and off-base, I think it’s interesting that you, too, feel you know what is happening in the hearts and minds of parents of one child.  Maybe that’s why you agree with Simcha’s blog.  You too feel you know others in a way that you clearly don’t.  I personally didn’t come to being a mother of one child through pain and have absolutely nothing to be angry about.  I CHOSE to become a single mother of one gorgeous adopted child.  I couldn’t be happier.  However, I could never call her “ONLY one child” because that diminishes who she is and who we are as a family.  I could never listen to/read the opinions of ANYONE who takes such a superior stance and who truly has talked down to people within whose shoes she THINKS she has walked.  I think everyone has some pain somewhere, even those with a dozen children.  More children make some feel more important or needed when they don’t feel that way on their own.  Some women don’t feel complete unless they have many children.  That kind of insecurity, which often shows itself as a need to put others below them, is a kind of pain.  Yes, some feel pain because they wanted many children and, for one reason or the other, could not have them.  I wouldn’t assume I knew what was going on in a group of people’s heads and hearts who have many children and I don’t think it is appropriate for Simcha to assume she knows what is going on in the hearts and heads of those with one child.  True wisdom comes from knowing that you don’t know everything including the motivations of others.

Janelle I agree completely with you - I experience this too- “When a Catholic has a new baby and needs a meal they always ask the singles to prepare and bring the meal for them. But where are they when that single is TOTALLY alone needing someone to share a meal with them????? NO WHERE that’s where!” I know what you mean because I would give anything to have just “one child”.

am the mother of one, a single mother of one who has Autism high functioning never the less is Autism, is a new challenge and adventure everyday,sometimes I feel like I am care for 4, being a mother is living life to the fullest whether of 1 or 6 kids still the toughest job on earth, Specially in todays world our vocation is a real challenge in protecting our children pure and innocent for God’s glory. This is the challenge we must be vigilant 24/7, and we must be mother to mother with our heavenly mother and she will show us the way.

I think this is the rudest thing I have ever read about families that have an only child. People like this need to remember that a lot of families do not chose to have an only child, but sometimes that is just how it works out. I feel blessed I actually was able to have my only child. So do not judge families that are only able to have one child and we won’t judge you and your big families. Well time to go enjoy my time with the only child I was blessed with. Of course while all if your children are doing dishes and taking care of those diapers my only child will be at art classes, music lessons and going to museums with her mother that knows what she is doing and doesn’t care what people think!!!

Woh. Looks like this touched a few wounds in a couple of readers. Ladies, it wasn’t meant to be rude or judgmental. I’m sure the intent was to encourage those who can identify with her experience. Of course, your experiences are not like hers (from what you’ve said). But many others can draw comfort from what she said. Why poison the well? If you don’t agree, find a website for mothers of single children and garner your support from them.

I only wish a thousand wishes that G-d would bless me with more children, but having waited and tried and fought for the 1 blessing I have for 7 long years makes me appreciate my miracle. 

All the sleepless nights, the diapers, the projectile vomiting, etc. that I deal with is welcomed with open arms.  I wish, for any wish, that I could experience this again and again and again.  I work full time - about 70 hours a week and support my family financially, and a husband who is starting a new business.  Argh. 

Fertile friends selfishly complain about having multiple children as I sit in tearful envy just wishing for that same chance. 

I’m confused by this article - seems to indicate that women with 1 child complain and should relish it…..there are so many like me who can’t have kids, can’t have more than 1.  Women can be so insensitive to one another and it’s so sad.  We’re ultimately inherintly competitive with one another. 

G-d didn’t want to bless me with children, didn’t feel I was worthy, so I used medicine.  I struggle every day with that.  With using medicine to be a mother instead of following G-d’s guidance.  I hope I am not punished when I die for going against his will, but if I am, I will suffer for it in silence. 

My wonderful child is a dream in my eyes, a wonder, a beautiful soul.  I would take a bullet for him, give him anything and everything I have, give him my soul. 

So many a multiple fertile mother just grumble.  I hate it when my friends complain about their kids - they gripe and moan about having so many and having to stay up at night, take care of them while sick and hate it when school is closed due to the weather, etc.  Humph - “I’m pregnant again and my kids are such a pain”....when I cannot be.  Oh, to trade places.

Those with the gift take it for granted, those without it tend not to.  Nobody is perfect. 

If you think “I’d love to have a baby”, then try and get preggers the next month - you just think - “oh, that’s so easy” and you take it for granted.  7 years.  7 long years I tried and failed many times….then a gift through modern science. 

Every child is a gift and mothers should be proud of that gift and not take it for granted.  If you can have many kids - I am so thankful for G-d that you were blessed.  If you cannot, I so cry for you as I know how you feel.  My heart felt ripped out of my chest every time I saw a baby and now I have my little man.  I cannot wait to nourish his growth and see him become a man of his own. 

Even now that he’s only 4, I weep thinking of the day he’ll leave.  When I left my mom, I left and never looked back.  And I just know he’ll one day do the same.  I just hope I cherish every single friggin moment until that day.  That day - my job will be done.  Oh how I weep. 

So, the author is right - cherish everything and realize our jobs as moms is to prepare them for the day they leave.  Enjoy it until they do and form a relationship that will last after they leave. 

If you can have a lot of kids - I am so ultimately jealous of you.  Completely jealous.  You are so blessed!!!  I would do anything to have more, but G-d just won’t abide.  I believe I must have been a cruel person in a past life to contend with what G-d has dealt this go around.  I will cherish what I have and help my girlfriends with many to give them support.  It takes a village to raise a child and that’s where us moms can come together to provide support and maybe help others less fortunate live vicariously through us.  When I can hold a friend’s baby, rock them to sleep and help - I love it.  It gives me so much. And, I help them. 

And, not to get political, but we’re in a world filled with women who think of kids as an inconvenience and abort them.  Abortion should be illegal, in my opinion.  I would have given anything to adopt and still would, but there just aren’t any babies in america and I cannot afford to bribe the international moms - which costs about $40K cash.  Sorry for the political stuff…..but is it really “political” or moral??? 

Anyway, I’ve gone on and on—sorry.  My soul arose when I had a child and I am just so passionate about this.  :-)  Thank you to any who listen.  And G-d bless you and your kids!!!!

Beautiful! I have two children 4 and half years apart. The first was so difficult I almost didn’t have another. Now I ask myself, “Why did I wait so long?” It really does get easier after the first.

Thank you Simcha

Shannon, I am sorry for your pain and I truly understand your anger and frustration.  However, I would ask you do one thing:  cease making such vulgar blanket statements about international adoption.  My child’s birthmother was never “bribed.”  I met her and know exactly why she could not raise a child.  She is not, most birth mothers are not, the kind of woman that can be “bribed” to give up her precious child any more than you could be bribed.  It takes the ultimate love to bring a pregnancy to fruition and then to give that child the best possible chance for survival.

All of this is exhausting. Ready? Almost as
exhausting as my first birthing gone horridly
wrong…resulting in broken sacrum and coccyx.
My son cried with pyloric valve stenosis for over
a year (before the simple surgical fix existed).
He spewed projectile breast-milk for 4 months and finally
I gave up. I got a fresh wardrobe (b/c I smelled like
stinky cheese) and the heavy stinky formula began
with same cycle of throwing up and screaming
constantly in distress. I was alone. My point is not
for case specifics, rather a more close look at
all of how the “first experiences” with a baby
are dramatically different. We had a 2nd child but it
took medical intervention along the way to keep my
back from breaking again. My second son had not one health
issue and he slept all the time. I would just look at him
in disbelief that it could be so easy. The thought
that kept running through my head was that this
circumstance was the reason couples want to expand families.
I can honestly say I was scared to death that life could
have put me back into the tail-spin of what had happened on
baby #1. I do feel just as the remarks were made about fertility
that it’s important to keep in mind the candor in which women
treat one another with issues of motherhood.
There really is not enough space in the world
for more judgement. Love is free for is to
hand out anytime we wish. Best of luck ladies!
-Amy

Thank you! I was having a rough morning trying to feel like a competent mother of two (which wasn’t working…) and so now I have tears streaming down my face.
By the way, this article in my opinion is obviously not criticizing anyone or trying to make anyone feel bad! This is all about encouraging all mothers! Those with one child or more or even none. I’m sad that anyone took offense, because I thought it was incredibly helpful and uplifting. It touched my heart, Simcha! Thank you for reaching out to another lonely woman who’s trying really hard to become a true mother. :)

I just wanted to add something after reading so many bitter and rude comments. Please let’s not judge each other so harshly. We as women in the world need to band together and encourage each other, no matter what lives we have.
I know I don’t know what it’s like to want to have children and not be able to. I haven’t been there. I have had my own experience: I have two beautiful girls that I adore. But along with being a mother I’ve had to deal with postpartum depression that hasn’t gone away for about 3 years. There are days (weeks) where I don’t want to feel the anger or despair or guilt that for me has become part of motherhood (obviously my children are not to blame). Some days it takes all my energy just to feed my children and pick up after them a little. I’m not looking for pity from anyone, but I am pleading that all of us try harder to feel empathy for those we don’t understand or know. Please! The world needs more of that. Truly!
This post really touched me and helped me feel not so alone, so please let’s not destroy the hope that is put out there even if it doesn’t work for you. :) Thanks to anyone who reads this.

I have three, and people always ask me if it was a more difficult transition going from one to two, or two to three. My response is always, “Nothing is more difficult than going from zero to one.”

“Nothing is more difficult than going from zero to one.” - Try NOTHING is more difficult then going from zero to zero when everyone around you is having kids! Seriously stop the self-pity of having one and try being supportive of those who have none! And no husband! Wow you are doubly blessed.

What a beautiful article. I am a mother of one - who is now 10.  I can remember very vividly thinking when is was an infant and wondering what he was going to be like when he was a yr. old, 2 yrs old etc . and also wondering if I was going to ever get my life back.  Now he is 10 and leaving me more and more with each passing day and now I just want to go back to the time when I was wondering if I’ll ever get my life back.I love being a mom and that IS my life.

I wrote above and came back to view more. 

This article has haunted me. 

My only son is a gift from the IVG G-d’s.  He was colicky, refused to breast feed and would only sleep if I held him upright.  So, G-d wouldn’t allow me to have a child, I had to have medicine intervene, then he was a sick child who screamed constantly for 4 months. 

The moms on this board, and in life, who want and are given without so much as trying….and complain at the top of their lungs about the gift they take for granted can….quite frankly….suck it. 

My experience took 7 years of trying, as all my friends popped out kid after kid….with zero effort…..and their kids more often than not slept through the night….but yet the moms complained anyway about having to change diapers, taking time off work, losing their bodies for a while, having to get up at night, etc., and etc.  Completely 100% insensitive to mothers who were refused that gift…...just goes to show how horrible women are to one another. 

and the person above that said i’m angry - you’re darn skippy!  i’m completely angry at women who think only of themselves.  which is like 95% of women!!!!

i tried for years to adopt, but they do bribe.  if you found a country that doesn’t require a bribe - you were lucky. 

also, there’s no more inhumanizing experience to go through than fertility.  g-d knows what all those chemicals did to me - i’ve never been the same since the 400 or so shots.  you fertile c%^s have no idea what us infertile women have to endure.  it’s horrifying. 

so…angry?  yes - the feminist regime in the US wants all little girls to feel completely fertile and puts us on birth control at young ages and really messes with our bodies - all to prevent the “inconvenience” of a child.  yet…there would have been no inconvenience in my eyes if i could have naturally had kids earlier.  the feminist brainwashing is working! 

The author?  I have no idea why you would publish this.  You must not have thought about fertility challenged women…..as most fertile women do.  So complain, moan and groan….and make us mothers of 1 feel more horrible than most of us already do….

and just keep in mind a tiny little thing called “karma”.  it will bite you in the end, my dear fertile friend.

shannon, though this is somewhat off topic, it is related.  International adoption CAN be done without bribery.  Unfortunately, there is corruption in adoption and surrogacy both in the U.S. and abroad but it is not the norm in most countries.  It DOES take a lot of research, hiring your own attorney here in the states and then working with another one in the other country, hiring an adoption agency here in the states and then working with another one in the other country, and being willing to wait as long as it takes rather than being in a hurry to get a child home asap.  It all requires that you pay fees to multiple private and government entities here and in the other country.  It is expensive but, as a single mother with a job that is not high-paying, I can tell you it can be done.  It is probably no easier than fertility treatments, etc.  I worked years to bring my child home and will pay the debt for years to come.  But it has been the best thing I’ve done in my life and I am happier than I’ve ever been, hence I don’t think of my child as an “only” anything.  I believe God put her with me for a reason.  If you are so very determined to have a family of more than one child, then it might behoove you to look into adoption with an attorney.  Your anger cannot be helping the child you have now.  However, if you CAN’T envision an adoption without bribery, please don’t do it.  Your future child deserves to grow up feeling untainted.  I wish you the best and I pray that God finds a way for you to feel some peace, for your sake and for that of your present child.

This was a beautiful article, thank you.

Wonderfully written! Completely true! As the mother of 5 I feel like I’m running a zoo, but it’s much easier than it was when I just had one child. Now I don’t apologize for the way I do things. I am comfortable in my “mom” skin. I (usually) know what to do and how to do it, and if I don’t - I’m okay with that too. First time moms - we’ve been there. We remember how hard it was! You’re not alone :) And it will get easier.

Wow, I can’t believe the vitriol. Dear women who have few or no children, you demand empathy but offer none. We all have desires of the heart that go unanswered. But also have valuable experience to share with one another. Simcha sharing HER experience publicly is neither insensitive or cruel. If you have different experience to share and can help others like you, do it. Simcha can’t serve all with her writing. Remember that we are many parts to the same body.

Babs, why are you now making a blanket statement to all “women who have few or no children?”  I don’t think my posts or many of the others by women with few or no children were hateful.  SOME were.  But your BLANKET statement is as hateful as you accuse others of being.  You say I, since I have one child who is not “only” in any way, demand empathy but offer none.  I never suggested that I demand empathy.  I DO demand the respect of not being patronized and not having someone make blanket statements about what I am experiencing.  Simcha brought this on herself, imo.  She is wrong about MY experience as a mother of one child.  I became a mother at an older age.  I believe that confidence in mothering and the ability to stand back and take a breath rather than running wildly around comes from age and life experience, not necessarily from having had other children.  So I would have to say experience is so individual that one can only speak of one’s own and should never state that one understands others because they MUST be going through the same thing.  I’m sorry if you find my opinion hateful.  But at least I have not painted any group of women with the same brush as Simcha, and you in your post, has.  Peace.

Dear Simcha,
I really, really appreciated your article. I sent it along to my son and daughter in law who are new parents who have had a difficult time (btw I have 6 grown children.) My daughter in law said that she cried when she read it. I plan to pass this along to many people and either ask you for permission to reprint it in the magazine I write for or else I will write about it (depending on what my editor says.) Thank you for this insight - it is very valuable and it reminded me of so much.

Baba- Are you serious??? “Offer none (empathy)”. Really??? The 15 years worth of parents of the students whom I have taught, loved, supported, cared for would completely disagree with you.  I have literally given up my own (personal) life for these children and these families. I have spent countless hours over the last 15 years listening empathetically to the stories of parents. I have wiped countless parent’s tears. You are wrong! It is you who needs empathy. Good luck to you.

I completely agree with Rhyn and Shannon.

Janelle,
I don’t mean you offer no empathy in any part of your life. I mean toward Simcha’s perspective in this article. She is sharing a different view of the world than you currently have. There is no insult in that. Just as there is no insult meant from you toward me because I am not a teacher. Where you to write an article on how your perspective has shifted from your first year of teaching, it would be silly for teachers who have burnt out after the first year were to come at you as insensitive to their experience.

The fact remains life is hard. No matter the situation, no matter the successes or failures. Just because someone writes something meant to be encouraging to others and misses your particular plight doesn’t make her wrong. It makes this article not helpful to you, so forget about it and get on with your life.

Oh. My. Goodness.
If my comment doesn’t apply to you, disregard it. It is not that hard. Really. Sometimes I think we women look for ways to be offended where no offense is meant. Of course I meant my comments to the women who are offended by this piece and attacking Simcha for it.

My heartfelt thanks for this article.  These words reminded me of those early days and put perspective on my daughter’s struggles with her new child.  She told me a few weeks ago that when the baby stops crying for me she feels like she is doing something wrong.  She feels stupid.  She most certainly is not stupid - she is wonderful!

i’ve cried every day since reading this article.  maybe i’m putting too much into it.  i have 4 frozen embryos that i cannot carry and have to make a tough decision now.  i am ripped apart inside and my emotions are destroying me. 

why can’t women support each other - and stop judging each other? 

my greatest friends are men.  and this is why - they don’t look at me in the park with my little man and think “oh, you must complain about having one child - what’s wrong with you to only have one?”....they just accept us for who we are.  a tiny family. 

maybe i should just run away and hide forever.  maybe all would be better off. 

i’ll not check back on this thread any longer.  i’m clearly not welcome in this multiple fertile love fest.  women are hateful.

my above post sounded dramatic - sorry.  all is well, but i will be moving from this article and thread. 

thanks to all for thoughtful comments.

Shannon Do not give up. Trust me I have tried to end it and some how life goes on even when we don’t want to. I have no children, no spouse, no one. I understand. Please hang in there. Your life is precious. Live solely for the child you do have. Live for your husband. Above all live for yourself. Your are an important link in this crazy chain of events called life. I understand about women being cruel. I receive ABSOLUTELY no empathy from women (even in my own family) for being almost 40 and childless/spouse less. I am SURROUNDED by women having babies at work and beyond. It is VERY isolating. I literally cry myself alone to sleep every night. I understand. I have left the church because of the horrible hypocracy (sp?) that I have seen with Catholic/Christian women that I work with. They spread rumors etc. Yes I have left the church because of all of this. Shannon good luck to you. You are blessed to have one. Throw your total focus into making that little man’s life absolutely magnificent. You ARE worth more than you know. Sincerely, Janelle

Shannon- (Said very respectfully to you) A “tiny family” is MUCH better than no family. I have no family and trust me one child/a “tiny family”/and a husband is a thousand times better than having no family/no husband. :( I am ALWAYS alone. There is NO “Catholic community” for single 39 plus women without husbands, without children. You are left totally entirely and completely alone.

This article and thread has been very upsetting to me as well. It has reinforced my TOTAL lack of community within the church. It makes me feel even MORE isolated if that was possible. PLEASE IF YOU HAVE ONE CHILD BE GRATEFUL OTHERS HAVE NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE IF YOU HAVE A GOOD HUSBAND BE GRATEFUL OTHERS HAVE NONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, walk in my shoes for a day and you will realize how good you all have it!!!!!!!!!! I will no longer be reading this thread. It is too painful for me.

Janelle, you are not alone.  I was totally alone, no husband and no child, until I was in my early 40s.  Then I adopted a little girl as a single parent that changed my life.  You don’t need to be married to give a child who also has no one someone to love them.  The Catholic Church, as an institution, does not recognize my tiny family but I know God does.  I stay a faithful Catholic because of my belief in the true faith, NOT because of a belief in the manmade institution and rules that seem to dominate it today.  I also find no community offered by the institution for women who are middle-aged and single.  They don’t even have a community for single parents.  Believe it or not, I’ve been told by a “good” Catholic that I should have given the money I spent on the adoption to a Catholic married couple who wanted to adopt but could not afford to.  All I could do was laugh and say that I was sure God was on my side.  I truly believe I was left alone so that I would find my little girl.  I also have given up my prayers for all of the others in the world who live, suffer, and die “in the shadows,” never truly acknowledged, marginalized.  Don’t blame God or His Blessed Mother for what misguided humans do.  Even the institution of the Catholic Church has flaws.  Turn to God for help in finding how you are needed, because you are indeed needed.  You have a viewpoint that those who travel life’s highway, the most common road, that of marriage and children, cannot have.  And that viewpoint gives you knowledge that is needed in this world.  Again, you are not alone.  Many of us are/were out there.  It’s just that we all endure in silence rather than in the limelight of society.  God bless!

Talking about the Catholic Church supporting families. I’de say there has been a lack of that personal support from the church directly to the families rearing small children. Unless they are friends of the priest, then maybe they get home visits if they invite him over for supper. However, let us not forget that the churches supports agencies like The Catholic Social Services who helped families, homelessness, hunger, children, addictions and a lot more programs. The other Christian denominations has a lot more of this so called personal help directly to the families with young children. After working in a Catholic church as a secretary for years and years, I have come to a conclusion that we the Catholic people are a lot more snobbish and gossipy and judgmental. It is probably the same with any institutions but I can only say these base on my experience.

Several people have commented that this article is arrogant. I found it very helpful and I don’t have children. And not from lack of trying. The thing that hurts me the most is hearing people say God only gives what u can handle. I struggle wth that and have to take it to my Savior and leave that question in His hands but sometimes I take it back and feel worthless . I don’t want any pity remarks, I’m just saying the women that find this arrogant need to reread wth a new set of eyes

Well, when any woman who is not my mother or grandmother, not even older or more experienced than I am, refers to me, the reader, as “my dear,”  THAT’S arrogant.  It is also one of the many reasons the tone of this article sounds patronizing.  As a writer, I would think Simcha would appreciate that kind of feedback.  After all, tone and audience are two important factors every good writer should consider in order to fulfill the purpose for which they intend to write.

Opinion pieces like this one are just unkind. Why not include women who don’t have any children at all, or women who are trying hard to get pregnant? Yes, we get it. You are super-mom now with your nine kids. And the loser moms who only wanted one child or who could only have one child eat your dust. Thanks for pointing out what failures we are. And this essay is sure to warm the heart of your oldest child, too.

The one part of this that REALLY haunts me. Disturbs me. Echos cruelty to me. Is this, “Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.  When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life.  Your life is hard; your life will be hard.  That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right.” This is down right cruel and condosending. It reads- Your kids will grow up and totally leave you alone. ??? What type of family values is that? My parents are in their 70s and I visit them almost everyday. I feed them when they are hungry. I pick up their medicine when they are sick. I deliever chicken soup and wipe their tears. “So heavy”???? NO child is a burden. At least you have kids, like others have pointed out, there are many women who have no kids. Be thankful. “Life is hard”??? “It means you did something right”??? So I guess all of us with no kids did something wrong. Wow this is VERY patronizing. I am in full support of everything that Sue Keller said, “And this essay is sure to warm the heart of your oldest child, too.”

My eyes tear as I read this… because about 70% of it is exactly what I am going through right now! I am a 38 yr old 1st time (biological) mom & the boredom & waiting until hubby comes through the door is my every day routine! I don’t worry about his safety as much as if I am stimulating him enough, if I will mess him up by not figuring out why he is NOT napping at all & I worry about if I should have more children(& they have to be soon, because I really don’t want to be in my mid forties & breastfeeding!)... but I really dont want to do this waiting for the key in the door every day routine again!  & I want a career again & my own business… but how, if I have another running around, I have to give him my very best possible as often as possible?! I LOVE large families & I do understand it being easier with nine!  I really envy you! I cannot have 9, biologically speaking, but I dont know if I can even have 2 either! It was great to read this! May The Lord give you wisdom beyond your dreams!

I can’t believe anyone has anything bad to say about this article.  How can you call it patronizing when she is talking about her own experiences?  This article spoke to me and it brings tears to my eyes when I read it because it is beautiful.

I know its been said many times, but Thank you for this! Today was one of those really hard days. I have a two year old and four year old and I struggle sometimes with why I want another one someday. I know I am not the only mother who has hard days, but it sure is nice to hear that I am not alone. Between your wonderful articles and the comments from the other wonderful people, I feel uplifted and ready for tomorrow.

I am honestly shocked by the sheer ridiculousness of some of these comments.  I just reread this beautiful piece.  This article oozes nothing but love and compassion for first-time mothers everywhere.  There is not even a hint of arrogance, not a single solitary syllable of it.  I guess there are people that you could take to see a sunset at the Grand Canyon and all they would remember is seeing some bird poop on a rock.

Thank you for these words!!!  For not only, not belittling moms of “only” children (although I try and avoid the language “only” and “JUST one” when people ask me how many children I have.)

SO many moms of multiple children tell me how easy I have it.  How I must be able to get so much more done.  Some tell me discipline is easier.  Homeschooling must be so much easier.  Life is easier.  And when they do, I want to break down and cry.

I’m not the mom of an “only” by choice.  I wanted four children when we first got married.  Now, I’d take more if God gave them.  But in 15 years of marriage, He has seen fit to give us one child.  That doesn’t make life easier (although, yes, there are some aspects that are easier with 1 than with 5 or 6 or more…).  But life isn’t “easier” when I cry each month when “that time” comes because it means that, no, I’m NOT pregnant, AGAIN, though I ache to be.  It doesn’t get easier when my son is lonely and his heart aches and he asks why God didn’t answer our prayers for more kids, his prayers for brothers and sisters.

Homeschooling may be easier in some ways with 1, but in other ways, so difficult.  I am his ONLY outlet for conversation and play during the parts of the day where we don’t get out.  When he takes a recess out in the yard, he plays by himself, and I watch him and I ache.  And I ask God why He didn’t answer.

But then, our God is good and gracious and He reminds me that the book isn’t finished.  The plan is not fully developed.  That maybe soon the desire to adopt will fill my husband’s heart as greatly as it has filled mine, and that journey will begin, and the 4th chair at our dining room table may be filled with a child’s laughter and messy eating habits and stories of their day.  That the reminder my son gave me 4 years ago that, “Well, Sarah had a baby when she was 90,” may be true for our family (ok, not 90, but 43 would be ok with me. :-)

So, thank for not writing us off as having things easier.  Thanks for understanding both sides of the story.  Blessing to you and your nine…and me and my one.  (not just or only) My one precious gift.

I never would have seen this if it hadn’t popped up in my wife and also in my sister’s newsfeed on facebook. I just wanted you to know that I am a VERY new father. my first daughter is now 4 days old. I fear every day that I may screw her up somehow, but I stay strong for my wife, because I see how if affects her. She is a new mother. She worries. She thinks that the first time being a mother is like owning a first car. It will take the dings, and the dents, and the tragic accidents that the other, newer, shinier cars will never see. I just wanted you to know that this article/blog/whatever was beautiful, and to see that my wife read it when she did, worrying about what she’s going through, was equally beautiful, and inspiring. 9 children may seem like a lot. Too many for me, to be honest, but to each his own. But I am glad that you have found a way to handle it. Maybe through quantity, you can better describe quality to those of us who only have one, two, or three children. Regardless of how you found it, this article is the most beautiful piece of wisdom I have read in a while, and I thank you for showing my wife the possibilities that await her as a mother. By making her feel stronger, you have made my world a little brighter. Because I love her, and my daughter. Love prevails.

Daniel,
My heart goes out to you and your wife!  It is daunting, isn’t it?  This raising of not just bodies, but souls?  I remember feeling exactly like she does now, and it does get better, one day, one minute, one second at a time.  Of course, there are a lot of days when you feel you are taking two steps backward and only one forward.

A realization that has brought me a lot of peace as a parent lately is this:  We were NEVER intended to be perfect parents!  (Phew!  Take that pressure off of yourselves right now.)  Not that we don’t try and seek and learn and discipline and read and grow…  But God is the ONLY perfect parent.  Where you fall short, because you are weak (we all are), God is there. And perfectly everything your little girl needs.  And it is those places of weakness, those shortcomings, even those pains that your child will have from being raised by imperfect parents that will draw her to God.  Just as your imperfections remind you how you badly you need the One True Father, she will be drawn to that same place.  And I pray she will call on Him and know Him and love Him.  And love you for all you have done and will do to grow her to be a woman who loves God above all else.

Blessings to you and your wife and your precious little girl!

What a beautiful article.  One thing that I want to add though is that being a mother of “only one child” is quite a blessing.  When you do not marry until later and have your first at close to 40, sometimes one is all that you will have due to nature or other circumstances beyond our understanding.  It is very hurtful at times when moms who have more than one child sort of make us moms of “only one” feel inferior.  inferior in that we have no idea how hard it is to have more than one or inferior that we are not as womanly for not having more.

One is such a blessing I am on my hands and knees every day thanking God for this precious gift.  Moms with more than one -please know that many of us would like more, but can’t.  Please give us the respect that we so need.

I understand the frustration of those women who are in their late 30 and 40s plus and have no children, no husband. Where do they turn for comfort? Where do they turn to in the church for support? Who dries their tears when they are alone every single night after working a long hard day. Who dries their eyes in comfort when they hear of yet another friend who is pregnant or yet another friend who is married? NO ONE that is who!!!!!! ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What would a married woman do if a single woman asked HER to make a meal for her? There is no maternity leave, no honeymoon leave, no wedding, no baby shower, no having someone to grow old with. No husband. No kids. Absolutely nothing! So what you have “only one kid” cry me a river. You have a husband. You have one kid!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that is MUCH more than a lot of us!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where is the Christian outreaching to single women with no kids and no husband? No where. Absolutely no where that’s where.

It is hard being the mother of an only.  The “firsts” are only be seen once. The first smile, steps, laughs etc. When you have more children you get to experience those wonderful firsts many times. The love multiplies along with the tears, and you are needed. When you are a mother of an only by the time you figure out how to do things right your child is on to something else and then all grown up.  I was not able to have more than one child, it was hard and the best of times.  I only wished I would have been able to experience the “firsts” a second or third time.  Cherish all children.

As a mother of one, it bothers me when mothers of many pat themselves on the back. I wanted many too, but it didn’t work out. And no, I don’t use birth control! It’s none of anyone’s business why we have one or twenty kids, and it is utterly disappointing when Christians are judgemental. We need to stop ourselves before making obnoxious comments about other people’s lives. We need to appreciate what we have. That’s what I’ll tell my child when the question of siblings come—be glad you’re here, with a life to live! We need to stop comparing ourselves to other mothers. We need to not engage in envy. Be thankful.

it’s so incredibly sad that the self-absorption and narcissism of choosing to bring child after child after child into this world, a world and a creation that is being so irreparably damaged each day by our out-of-control human population, passes as “good religion.” To seemingly not care about future generations and their ability to flourish in life? To just have child after child after child because it makes you, as a parent,  feel “theologically correct” about it? I pray for you, and your children—and all of creation.

I just had to comment and say I join others in feeling belittled and condescended.  No matter if we have 0 kids or 12, it is HARD. 

I currently have 1 6yo.  Going on vacations = awesome.  Deciding what move to watch = easy.  Having my child follow me from room to room because she feels lonely?  Having to pitch in and be their sibling and friend when none is available?  Every day having a 1 on 1 struggle for authority?  Two hour bedtimes?

I was a foster parent for 4 years and had an adoption of 2 children fall through.  Three was a tornado.  But after 6 months you adapt.  It’s busy, but in so many ways 3 was easier.  I could get 3 to bed in less time than 1.  Back then it was a loving ruler with loyal subjects.  They could play with each other all day outside. 

Having none is hard.  I’ve been there and done that, too.

No one needs or deserves a little pat on our heads letting us know that “we don’t know how easy we really have it”.

I can really appreciate the spirit and imagery of this article.  I have one child and am currently deciding if I want to have another.  There are many more reasons why I might decide not to have another than just it being hard.  One thing I can’t seem to get past though is the verbiage that seems very persistent in both the Catholic and LDS culture that is hurtful to others.  Of all my loving friends in both religions I’m sure it’s unintentional, but hurtful nonetheless.  “Only”.  I have one child.  Not “only one”.  One of my sisters has two, another has five, another has zero, one brother has three, and my other brother has twelve.  They total up to a massive number, but however big or small that number is, they are my perfect family. When and if I have another child I will not have “only two”.  I will have two.  They will not be lacking.  Whatever the reasoning may be, I am not less for having less children and another is not more for having more.  Consider continuing that spirit of love and kindness by carefully selecting the words you share with others.

What a beautiful article! My first child had a whole heaping handful of special needs and so we went through a whole different kind of “first child” experience. But I had always wanted a big family and I didn’t want to be too old to bear or take care of them. And so we prayed a lot and cried a lot and had 4 more after her. She is now 12 and we go through really hard things with her all the time, but her siblings are better people because of her! I will always be glad we didn’t stop with one, but it is an uphill climb all the time. Thank you for your uplifting message! My favorite lines: “All these things, the dishes, the diapers, the spills—they must be taken care of, but they don’t matter. They aren’t who I am.”

Why does the Catholic church do nothing for those who have no children? I can imagine having one has its challenges but you are married and raising one together correct? Single parenthood is harder. Having none is even harder. Good for all of you having 1 to 20 kids. Congratulations. When was the last time you had a single unmarried childless lonely friend over and assured her of the “community” of the church????? Yeah I thought so!!!

Diana- “And so we prayed a lot and cried a lot and had 4 more after her.” You are blessed that God gave you such a beautiful family. My endless tears have harvested no blessings. I am 40 and childless. I am 40 and have no husband to pray with. No husband to laugh with. No husband to cry with. No husband to talk to. I have no children to watch grow old. No children to laugh with. No children to nurture. I am totally and completely alone. Yes you are blessed that God heard your prayers and blessed you with “4 more after” your first child. I wish He would hear me. There is ABSOLUTELY no support in the Catholic Church for single, unmarried, childless adult women. Yes I have “cried a lot” myself. But I cry totally alone.

I needed to read this today. When I arrive home, grouchy, after a tiring day at work, I kick myself for not being more effervescent for my (only) two little children. But, it’s hard. And it IS hard.  Thanks!

I love this. Being a Mom of “only” one is just as hard. You’re being broken in for what lies ahead. It’s especially hard if you work outside the home. I can’t imagine having only one. I always wanted 6 but settled for 5. And the Lord doesn’t give us more than we can handle. So, Mom of one child, there are draw backs but also a postive side. You certainly can spend more time with that one. And if you want more there’s always adoption.

Stephanie- Try going home every night to an empty house with no husband and no kids. That IS hard!!!! You don’t know how good you have it!!! I cry myself to sleep every night. No husband. No kids. No support.

I totally empathize with Rhyn. I wish more “Christians” would reach out to people in such pain instead of saying things like they “wanted 6 kids but settled for 5”. Really????? I find it VERY disheartening how adults in their 30s, 40s, 50s plus in the Catholic church are totally and completely abandoned.  Where is the article “Having none is very hard…...let’s raise up our brothers and sisters of Christ”. Where is this article? No where and that is beyond disheartening. That is letting God down when we do not reach out to those in such pain. This whole thing is shameful. Sadly this lack of connection and lack of understand and lack of empathy lead to total despair often leads to suicide. It is heart breaking. It is totally preventable if we reach out to eachother.  Please reach out to those who hurt. I am sooooo happy you all have more than one kid or even one kid but there are people who do not have any. Who are totally alone.  Think of them for a change!!!!!!!!!!  I totally understand why people leave the church. -There is no community and no support for those who are not blessed with “the next chapter” in their lives.

I saw some other dads comment on here and before becoming a stay at home dad I never understood how hard it is, even with one child.  Now when my friends, brothers, or men in general tell me how easy my life is, I just laugh.  You never truly get it until you do it.  I have a brand new respect for stay at home moms.  So my only message to those that think it’s easy, do it before you comment and judge us “stay at home” parents.

Ditto. I have ten and hear those comments ALL the time. I think having two was the hardest thing I’ve ever done (and I tell people that too).  Thank you for finding the words.

Living alone is VERY hard too. Growing old alone is VERY hard too. I would give anything to have just one child. To have a spouse. I hate my life. You don’t realize how good you have it. Imagine it all gone. Imagine you are alone after work every day forever. Imagine not hearing your little guy life or seeing him or her smile. Totally alone.  I have nothing. I will not be reading or commenting on this thread anymore. It is too painful. Way too painful, you have NO idea what “hard” is.

This is ridiculous.  Sure, having one is hard because its new, but not nearly as hard as this article is making it sound.  Plus, most things in life are hard.  And as a mother of three I can say with certainty that it is much more difficult with three than one.  I don’t wish I only had one, but it was much, MUCH easier.

HAVING NO CHILDREN IS HARDER THAN HAVING 1,3, 9.
HAVING NO HUSBAND IS HARDER THAN HAVING NONE AND BEING TOTALLY ALONE EVERY DAY AND EVERY NIGHT. Wow this thread is not representative of the outreaching that God wants us to show to eachother. I am glad you have 1 child. Wonderful for you. I am glad you have 3 children, and 5 children (instead of the 6 you wanted) and 9 children. Wonderful for you. HAVE SOME KINDNESS AND FEELINGS TOWARDS THOSE WHO HAVE NO CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I am glad you have a husband. Wonderful for you. HAVE SOME KINDNESS AND FEELINGS TOWARDS THOSE WHO HAVE NO HUSBAND AND ARE TOTALLY ALONE. I am so very sick and tired of all these Catholics and religious people who only care that THEY themselves have children. That THEY themselves have a husband. But could absolutely careless that - THERE ARE CHRISTIAN SISTERS WHO CRY THEMSELVES TO BED EVERY NIGHT IN THE PAIN OF DEEP EMPTINESS AND LONELINESS. Where is the humanity!!!!!!!!! Where is the Christian caring?????? When was the last time one of you married people with kids reached out to a single woman in her 30s, 40s or 50s etc that was totally alone and invited her to share a meal with you instead of always asking her to bring you and your family food?????
Pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!!

typo-
HAVING NO HUSBAND IS HARDER THAN HAVING ONE….....

Nicolette It is a waste of time to expess compassion from this thread. There is a HUGE missing peace in the Catholic church towards the inclusion of single unmarried in 30s , 40s and above. No compassion. You’re rt now- as long as THEY are married and as long as THEY have kids they could ABSOLUTELY care less if you don’t and if you cry yourself to sleep every night. Yes indeed I see why people leave the church.

Rhyn- Yes I agree. There is absolutely no point on expressing compassion on this thread obviously no one cares about any one else. No one can see beyond their “one kid” or their 3, 5 or 9 kids. It is really sad. It is heartbreaking. One day these lonely people will not be around and where will the Christian compassion be then? No where just like where they are now.

To Rhynn, Nicolletta, and others:  you are more than welcome to participate in the conversation on another post of mine, which (unlike this one) is specifically about single people in the Church: 

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http://www.ncregister.com/blog/what-do-single-people-need-from-the-church/

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Hope to hear from you!

thank you for writing about what many of us feel, but none of us really ever talk about.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. I can’t tell you how much I needed to read it today.

That link was not welcoming either.

Such an amazing article!!

This article brought tears to my eyes and touched my heart! I am a new mother of an 8 month old little boy, and although very joyful, it certainly is a challenge. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.

I am crying…..the good tears.  Thank you, Simcha.

My life is TOTALLY empty and meaningly without a husband and kids. I have left the church. There is ABSOLUTELY no support for singles in or out of the church. Stop complaining about just having one kid. Wow you have no clue what hard is. Try having cancer and living/being totally alone. You have a kid!!!! You have a husband!!! I have myself and cancer.

I love this article. It is so true.

As a new mom myself, I struggle with having someone attach to me like Velcro. I thought going from single to being married was hard. But you really lose your independence when you become a mom.

The other day, my husband looked up from feeding our daughter and said, “Can you believe she is one already?” Time does pass, but it just does not seem to go fast enough when you and baby are covered in milk throw-up, she is crying inconsolably, and you slept for a total of 8 hours over a 3 day period. 

At least now I know it is not the end of the world when she gets a cold or that sleep is magic for both baby and me. And while I might complain about a Velcro baby, I saw my daughter leaving for college the first time she played with her friends in daycare with her back to me.

It wouldn’t be so bad the next time around.

I do so have to agree with the other posters who are talking about how hard it is to be single and without kids.  I did not get married until I was close to 37 and had my baby at 38.  I was truly on my hands and knees thanking God for this blessing and you will never ever hear me complain that “I only have one”.

I know first hand how hard it is to be alone and to have no prospects of having kids.  To listen to women whine about not being able to have a 2nd or 3rd, etc. child was just the worst pain ever to be put through.  Be thankful for what you have and remember that there are women out there that have no husband to even help them through this life.

It is me. The truth or virtue of this article speaks the the very essence of man kind. Regardless of how many children you have; the fact that you have had children is a blessing in itself. Evolution is the only way to save the human race. Ironically if this was a planet of only men it would be the wild as we know it, with no human life. Alpha vs. Alpha. It would be a planet of animals. If this was a planet of women, then chances of human hy-brids and our genetic signature lasting on this planet are a great deal better. Imagine that, Women will someday save man kind(human Race) I believe it. Having one child is great challenge, I have a young 3 year old, and nothing really does prepare you. I read some books and researched stuff but none of that has helped me with my lil one. It has been instinctive and I imagine it has been the same with her Mother. At 3 I suppose she is a bit of a fire cracker but she knows enough by a sturn look and direct talk. Anyways, I think procreation is imparitive to the survival of the human race.

THANK YOU DANIELA THANK YOU.

If you have a husband be thankful. I am TOTALLY alone. If you have “one kid” be thankful. I am almost 40 and childless. STOP COMPLAINING!!!!! God it makes me sick to read all this spoil brat complaining “only one kid” and “my husband”. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT LONELY IS!!!!!!!! I have no husband. I have no kid. I have cancer.

I read this post and I have to agree just having one child is hard especially being a single parent. I have been a single parent since day 1 and it is very hard knowing that my daughter doesn’t know who her father is and it breaks my heart at times to know truthfully that her father does not want anything to do with her or myself I can understand why he doesn’t want to be apart of my life but why wouldn’t you want to be a apart of your kids life? He left me when he found out I was pregnant so I guess it makes clear sense afterall. I remember recovering from my emergency C-Section and my 4 day stay in the hospital I had barely slept at all I was always up with my daughter wondering if she was okay and for the longest time I would sleep with her in my arms and one arm on her stomach at all times to make sure she was still breathing I was always on the worry a lot system always terrified something horrible might happen to her, I prayed to got everyday to bless our life and bring new beginnings to my daughter and I. Today I could say being a single mother is definately worth it I don’t have a husband to distract me nor control/ manipulate me and I can focus on school, work, and my favorite little girl, my daughter, I love her so much words can not explain.

Wow, this doesn’t describe me at all. Suffering? Hard? Attachment Parenting and unschooling isn’t “hard” or “suffering”, it how nature intended. My beautiful son who I love with all of my heart, is 18 now and is such a joy. It is mainstream parenting, which traumatizes children, who are also injured by the toxic environment of public school that is hard and “suffering”.

Dear Simcha, thank you so much for this excellent article. You have Blessed me so much, as my husband and I contemplate having a second child. Your article brought me to tears (in a good way), as you bring me back to reality to remember that our children are given to us by God for a short period of time. That we must let them go at a certain point in time. So thank you for helping me see that its so so so worth it. God Bless you in Jesus Name.

I was almost ready to say that I will never have a child again. Aside from the financial struggle with having a baby, I cannot imagine how hard it would be to have two or more kids throwing tantrums at the same time, more laundry, more of everything! And I have to say, “cry a little bit for sheer tiredness” is something I can definitely relate to. But as I come to think of it, maybe it’s really harder with one. So I guess, I may have another baby again but not in the next 3 years, my son is only turning 2 this August.

I found this simply by accident today.  I am writing this as the tears are still streaming down my face.  This is article is what I needed to read.  I feel so overwhelmed and definately NEVER alone.  It has actually caused problems with my husband and I.  I feel like I put the baby to bed, and there he is wanting attention.  I love them both, but I never get a moments peace to reflect or do anything for myself.  I can relate to being jealous of my husband’s independence.  I have been having such a problem coping with motherhood.  You just have no idea how this article touched my heart and soul.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I am printing this to hang on my fridge as a daily reminder. 

My kids are almost 13 and 10.  I definitely remember feeling oh so lonely all day with just me and my baby.  It DOES get better.  My kids are so much fun now!  I love, love, love watching my son play in the school band and watching my daughter perform this week at a theater camp!  It’s so amazing to see their grown-up personalities forming right before my eyes.  I love having talks with them about life and hearing their ideas and opinions.  They are going to be outstanding adults!  They are so much help now and it sometimes is surprising how I can now lean on them sometimes.  Sleep will come and before you know it, they will be grown and have lives of their own and then you will lose sleep over that LOL.

“...to be a woman who will be left.” Having been mother of four, grandmother of 17 and greatgrandmother of 15 (more to come), I am learning what it means to help and watch young ones grow into adults and leave. They do stay in touch, but it is now my job to take all they have taught me, and discover what I want to do with all this free time. The world keeps turning.

@Nicolette…I am so sorry to be only today reading your comment…but I
hope you might still see what I want to say to you. First off, you are
NEVER alone!!! God loves you and holds you always in His Mind and Sacred Heart…If He were to stop thinking of you, for even a single second, you
would cease to exist. Even though you are inflicted with cancer he still
has a purpose for your life.  It may be to offer your illness for others
who walk in the darkness, or for those who have been without a mother or a father, without hope, or those who like you lead lonely lives. Try to ask the Blessed Mother, through daily prayer, to ask her Spouse, God’s Holy Spirit, to give you the grace to know what your mission is, to know God better and to be grateful for each day He has given you. Read scripture carefully to see what it is God wants to say to you. If you have access to EWTN network try to watch the mass daily if you are unable to leave home, and the many,many enlightening and uplifting programs there.  We are all, as the late St Teresa of Calcutta used to remind us, like pencils in Gods hands. We can make a difference…in others lives, even if only by becoming a Prayer Warrior for God. No one can do your job God has given you except you. Don’t waste your time and energy over what might have been…todayis the first day of the rest of your life. Live it to the fullest! God bless…you are in my prayers!

I am 40 with no children. No husband. No support. Honest truth I silent cry about this everyday. I am totally alone. I live with the saddest of hearts. When my parents pass I will have absolutely nothing and no one. Those who have a good spouse be grateful you have some one to grow old with. Those who have a cold be grateful you have someone to build family memories with. I hate my lonely life.

Typo- who have a child….

Beautiful article!  In case someone hasn’t said it… she isn’t writing this to ALL moms of one, or those who happen to love being a mom of one OR to those who can’t have kids OR those who ONLY want one!!!!! She is writing to the mom who asks her how does she do it with nine because one is so hard?! I know as a mom of 4 I get that all the time.  She is giving a response in this article to THAT specific mom of one, not all moms of one ever!  Shesh, the loonies are out with this one!!!

I know this is not the reaction your very well written article was meant to inspires, but it just makes me dread all the more the impending loss of self as I embark on the path to motherhood. I’m in mourning because every example of motherhood around me tells me i’m going to lose this person Ive worked so hard and tirelessly to become. I entered into this with eyes open and already am madly in love with my child, but oh lord, i feel distraught

I am totally and entirely alone. I have no children. No husband. No church community. No support. No one to cry to that I am 40 and childless. Where is the support for women with NO children???? :(

Children will save the world.  God bless big families and small ones
[The original comment had some typos in it.  Fixed ‘em! —Simcha]

Thank you. I’m not the mother of one child I am the mother of 3 and 4 year old girls. This summer I also became the mother of my 1 year old niece and my 3 year old nephew indefinitely. What struck me the most was this that you wrote….
“...a woman who is never allowed to be alone.  For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.

When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.”

Beautiful. I cried. I’ll have to remember this when I am tired or frustrated. Thank you.

Thank you for writing such a nice article piece.  It actually meant alot for someone to write this. I am 25 year old single mother of a 5 year old special needs child. As much as I agnize over all his problems, I feel like I am failing at being his mother. I to have had people including my own mom tell me there is nothing wrong with my son and then I do get people including some doctors tell me something is wrong with my son. Even after all of that, I’m still looking for help and there is nothing. Just me and my son…. But after reading your article, it change my perception on motherhood. Thank you.

p.s. It took me many years to have my kids and Everyone else had them before me so I had just got to feeling that I was put on earth to love and care for other people’s children instead(in teaching…childcare…Godmotherhood etc.)when I finally became pregnant. Everyone’s situation is unique and affects them differently. I’m not even Catholic, I just appreciated the article. Reading the comments… I am appalled by some of the comments on here! How do you believe that your anger and envy are serving you in any way for the positive? How do you think God feels about your judgmental attitudes??

As the mother of an only, I found this offensive & incredibly insulting. If you find it that hard, don’t have children! Live in your own little world!

Very well written, I was unable to get pregnant ans adopted a beautiful girl.  I got so tired of people telling me I should have more than one, it is not fair to her, once I was told only children are freaks! Someone close to me is a foster parent and they brag about how many children they have raised, and others respond “oh you must be a saint!” Are parents with fewer children less saintly? It is frustrating! It does not matter how many children you have, it is hard work, and having more kids does not make you more of a parent.

What a beautiful article. It really touched my soul. I can empathise with all of it. Yes we do raise them to let them go. In the words of Kahlil Gibran,, Our children are not ours, we only borrow them…., harsh though it sounds, it is true; but when that time comes, you can let them go with a whole heart, knowing that you have done your best to prepare them for the world, and they will always love you, they will always come back.
Other people can be shallow or cruel, but they have their own agenda and we must learn to let un-supportive comments pass by us, and be sure of ourselves as strong women. Thank you for this

Thankyou! This is the hope I’m looking for… raised with the ideal of being a career woman, waiting to have my two kids til after I was independently successful and wealthy… I became Catholic, married young, and am stay-at-home-mom to two and hoping to continue welcoming little ones as God sees fit… but it is HARD- psychologically more than anything, and I only have met a couple other young moms with the same lifestyle/ perspective (and none where I live)... Already my friends that had their babies close to mine are “escaping from babyland” heading back to work for good until they retire, getting rid of the baby stuff, selling their cloth diapers,lamenting their little ones growing up so quickly, reinstating date nights out once a week… and I think, man, I believe in this, I want this… but WHERE will i get the energy?!
Anyway, thankyou, God bless you.

Posted by Lorell on Sunday, Oct 21, 2012 10:50 AM (EST):
Unless you meet someone when you are young and in childbearing years you will NOT meet him in the Catholic church. I am 40 and Catholic and totally alone and totally heartbroken. I am hanging in while my parents are alive since I can not imagine life without them. Once they unfortunately are not here I will then have absolutely nothing. I see no future beyond that point. In peoples late 20s they meet their spouse. In their 30s they have their own families. In 40 continue to raise their kids. In 50s unfortunately say goodbye to their own parents into Heaven. In 60s retire and grow old with their spouse. While WHAT ABOUT THE SCENERIO OF THE 40plus WHO NEVER GETS MARRIED????!!!! THE TRULY FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF THE CHURCH!!!!!

Dear Lorell…I married very young and have children, grandchildren and greatgrandchildren. And, guess what? They have moved to all over the world. The ones who live close are saying, “Mom, a once a week visit is fine…but not everyday.” So, in my bored life and tiring of playing games as my entertainment, I have started reaching out and having conversations with others. Sometimes you have to wade through a lot of people to find someone who sparks interesting conversations. And, I donate time to a local school. It is pretty cool to have kids run up to you and give you a hug and know your name. There are lots of people who have had children who are in overwhelm and the kids are starving for someone to just listen to them. What in life interests you? Give your heart a chance to have a passion for something in life. What is on your bucket list? What do you want to do before you pass from this life? The thoughts you dwell upon affect your body. For a healthier body in these next years, find something that makes you want to get up in the morning and begin the day. Good luck to you.

I laugh at this article partly because I know someone who likes this article, but lives every waking hour at her mothers house. She never leaves. She has a bran new home and yet still lives with mommy and daddy. Her parents do everything for her. She just yells at her kid not to do this, that or thee other. Her kid can’t speak yet and she’s 2.5 years old. All she does is scream. I think this article is great for parents who actually go threw what’s listed, not young girls who have parents do it all for her.

Very well written and even better… it’s true.

Have you been watching me?  Did someone put you up to this?  Surely I have met you and cried on your shoulder?  Thank you for writing this!  I feel like I can’t complain about anything because I am truly blessed and I know there are women out there who can’t have a baby and they want one, so how could I ever say “woe is me” when I’m tired.  And if you are a stay at home mom with one kid, well either you are watching soap operas all day or you should never be able to say you’re bored!  I have worked since I was 16, now I’m 34.  This last year was new for me since I became a stay at home mom.  It was so much harder than I expected and so much more rewarding (on the good days) than I dreamed.  And thank you for talking about the worrying about how other people see my kid.  I’m trying so hard to not worry about what other people think but I want strangers to be glad they were around my kid and not annoyed that they had to be near “that” kid.  It’s mentally exhausting!  I’m glad to know I’m not the only one counting the seconds until my husband gets home, on some days that is.

Hello fellow Catholics and brothers and sisters in Christ!!! Tired of the same old secular/atheistic nonsense on the radio? Check out Vericast.net.  It’s the hardest hitting Catholic Podcast on (or off) the Internet! Listen in as Tim Haines and I lay down the Catholic Truth without pulling any punches.  See you there!

I empathize with those who are single and childless. I am 40. No kids. No husband. It is extremely hard. It is tremendously lonely. Without my dog I could not imagine. Many single Childless women in their 40s leave the church for lack of community. Total lack of “fitting in”. They get a dog who they treat like their child. Be appreciative that you are blessed with even one child.

I just want to thank you for writing this. I have read it SO many times, and passed it on to SO many friends who needed this, in fact I passed it on again just today :) Thank you.

I have 9 children - this is awesome- wish I had read this as a new mom! Being a young mom I was twice as down on myself ): ..

I cried, then I smiled through my tears.  I looked around for one of my children to hug, but they are all adults now, with each their own lives and families.  I do miss those days, but I hold them in my heart and am greatly blessed by having lived them.  For me, this line spoke powerfully to my heart…“But who I am now is something more terrible:  the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.”  Thank you, Simcha, for blessing me with your words, and for reminding me of my blessings.  I raised 4 children, and my reward has been the 15 grandchildren they have blessed me with.

I REALLY wish I had even one kid. I REALLY wish I had a husband. Growing old alone is the most painful existence possible. It is NO “life” it is just barely existing. I belong nowhere. No moms groups. No couples dinner parties. Never planned a wedding, never celebrated an engagement, never celebrated a pregnancy. I JUST barely exist. So be happy you have “just one kid”.

Wow, Lorrell you wrote “I am hanging in while my parents are alive since I can not imagine life without them. Once they unfortunately are not here I will then have absolutely nothing. I see no future beyond that point. In peoples late 20s they meet their spouse. In their 30s they have their own families. In 40 continue to raise their kids. In 50s unfortunately say goodbye to their own parents into Heaven. In 60s retire and grow old with their spouse. While WHAT ABOUT THE SCENERIO OF THE 40plus WHO NEVER GETS MARRIED????!!!! THE TRULY FORGOTTEN PEOPLE OF THE CHURCH!!!!!” Very well said. I completely agree with you. It IS VERY scary.

Hello, Lorell, G, Stacey, and Me.  I first read this post few months ago and have not been able to stop thinking about you ladies and your pain.  I have been praying for you often.  I am married, but married at 38, so I know the pain of loneliness and how debilitating it can be.  I also know the pain of depression since I was diagnosed at 25 and have been struggling with this all my life. 

I see something in your responses that make me think at least some of you are depressed.  I say this because although the pain of loneliness is a very real cross for single people, those who are not depressed are the ones out in society trying to form meaningful relationships that help to ease that pain instead of blaming the church or trying to make married people with children feel bad simply because they are married and have children. 

I know from experience that being married and having children is NOT the answer to all of your problems.  Only God can fill that emptiness and it is not fair to put that much expectation on a husband and children.  They cannot fulfill all of your desires, will fall short, and you will begin to blame them for your unhappiness and emptiness just like you are now blaming the church and seemingly those commenting on this post.  The pain of loneliness is but a drop in the bucket compared to the pain of   hurting someone you love so very dearly. 

I would strongly recommend and I am praying constantly for you all that you first get back to the church (those who left) and spend time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament or adoration chapel.  Cry to Him and tell him all about your loneliness.  More importantly BEG Him daily to reveal to you how special you are to Him, how He thought of you on the Cross, and the awesome plan He has for your life.  I just read this today in the book: Never Give Up: My Life and God’s Mercy by John Janaro.  I highly recommend it.  “Jesus knows who I am and who He willed me to be.  He knows the secret of why He created me…And so my joys and sufferings are his infinitely wise, uniquely crafted, and tender love through which he shapes my life and leads me to my destiny.”

Secondly, I would recommend that you get involved in something that can foster relationships with people and get out of yourself.  That is what depression does, it causes you to implode upon yourself and you can only think of yourself and your problems.  I find it hard to believe that your church, while not having something directed at singles, doesn’t have other things you can do to be involved and serve like bible studies, women’s guild, nurseries, ministries to visit the sick or bring dinners to people, drive elderly to dr. appointments, etc. etc.

And thirdly, I do recommend, especially to the two who cry everyday, that you talk to your doctor, or better yet, seek out a good psychologist or counselor to help you.  You may even need medication to help you better cope.  If you do have depression, it is a medical illness due to a chemical imbalance.  There is help.  My experience is that people (men and women) are not usually attracted to depressed people because of our lack of confidence and overall blue mood.  Medication can help that. 

Email doesn’t register inflection and tone so I hope that you are taking this in the way it is intended, which is to help.  I will be constantly praying for all of you.  I pray God’s plan is for you to enter into the vocation of marriage if it is so strong on your heart, but take action today to make your life better and seek FIRST the Kingdom of God.  The God who created the heavens and the earth and loves more deeply and passionately than any man ever could.

Hello, Lorell, G, Stacey, and Me.  I first read this post few months ago and have not been able to stop thinking about you ladies and your pain.  I have been praying for you often.  I would like to share something I have learned from experience.  I was married at 38, so I know the pain of loneliness and how debilitating it can be.  I also know the pain of depression since I was diagnosed at 25 and have been struggling all my life. 

I see something in your responses that make me think at least some of you are depressed.  I say this because although the pain of loneliness is a very real cross for single people, those who are not depressed are the ones out in society trying to form meaningful relationships that help to ease that pain instead of blaming the church or trying to make married people with children feel bad simply because they are married and have children. 

I know from experience that being married and having children is NOT the answer to all of your problems.  Only God can fill that emptiness and it is not fair to put that much expectation on a husband and children.  They cannot fulfill all of your desires, will fall short, and you will begin to blame them for your unhappiness and emptiness just like you are now blaming the church and seemingly those commenting on this post.  The pain of loneliness is but a drop in the bucket compared to the pain of hurting someone you love so very dearly. 

I would strongly recommend and I am praying constantly for you all that you first get back to the church (those who left) and spend time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament or adoration chapel.  Cry to Him and tell him all about your loneliness.  More importantly BEG Him daily to reveal to you how special you are to Him and the awesome plan He has for your life.  I just read this today in the book: Never Give Up: My Life and God’s Mercy by John Janaro.  I highly recommend it.  “Jesus knows who I am and who He willed me to be.  He knows the secret of why He created me…And so my joys and sufferings are his infinitely wise, uniquely crafted, and tender love through which he shapes my life and leads me to my destiny.”

Secondly, I would recommend that you get involved in something at church that can foster relationships with people and get out of yourself.  That is what depression does, it causes you to implode upon yourself and you can only think of yourself and your problems. While maybe not having something directed at singles, your parich church should have other things you can do to be involved and serve like bible studies, women’s guild, nurseries, ministries to visit the sick or bring dinners to people, drive elderly to dr. appointments, etc. etc.

And thirdly, especially to the two who cry everyday, please talk to your doctor, or better yet, seek out a good psychologist or counselor to help you.  You may even need medication to help you better cope.  If you do have depression, it is a medical illness due to a chemical imbalance.  There is help.  My experience is that people (men and women) are not usually attracted to depressed people because of our lack of confidence and overall blue mood.  Medication can help that. 

Email doesn’t register inflection and tone so I hope that you are taking this in the way it is intended, which is to help.  I will be constantly praying for all of you.  I pray God’s plan is for you to enter into the vocation of marriage if it is so strong on your heart, but take action today to make your life better and seek FIRST the Kingdom of God.  The God who created the heavens and the earth and loves more deeply and passionately than any man ever could. 

I would strongly recommend and I am praying constantly for you all that you first get back to the church (those who left) and spend time with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament or adoration chapel.  Cry to Him and tell him all about your loneliness.  More importantly BEG Him daily to reveal to you how special you are to Him and the awesome plan He has for your life.  I just read this today in the book: Never Give Up: My Life and God’s Mercy by John Janaro.  I highly recommend it.  “Jesus knows who I am and who He willed me to be.  He knows the secret of why He created me…And so my joys and sufferings are his infinitely wise, uniquely crafted, and tender love through which he shapes my life and leads me to my destiny.”

Secondly, I would recommend that you get involved in something at church that can foster relationships with people and get out of yourself.  That is what depression does, it causes you to implode upon yourself and you can only think of yourself and your problems. While maybe not having something directed at singles, your parich church should have other things you can do to be involved and serve like bible studies, women’s guild, nurseries, ministries to visit the sick or bring dinners to people, drive elderly to dr. appointments, etc. etc.

And thirdly, especially to the two who cry everyday, please talk to your doctor, or better yet, seek out a good psychologist or counselor to help you.  You may even need medication to help you better cope.  If you do have depression, it is a medical illness due to a chemical imbalance.  There is help.  My experience is that people (men and women) are not usually attracted to depressed people because of our lack of confidence and overall blue mood.  Medication can help that. 

Email doesn’t register inflection and tone so I hope that you are taking this in the way it is intended, which is to help.  I will be constantly praying for all of you.  I pray God’s plan is for you to enter into the vocation of marriage if it is so strong on your heart, but take action today to make your life better and seek FIRST the Kingdom of God.  The God who created the heavens and the earth and loves more deeply and passionately than any man ever could.

This is the first half of the above comment, sorry it’s not in order.

I first read this post few months ago and have not been able to stop thinking about the single ladies and your pain.  I have been praying for you often.  I would like to share something I have learned from experience.  I was married at 38, so I know the pain of loneliness and how debilitating it can be.  I also know the pain of depression since I was diagnosed at 25 and have been struggling all my life. 

I see something in your responses that make me think at least some of you are depressed.  I say this because although the pain of loneliness is a very real cross for single people, those who are not depressed are the ones out in society trying to form meaningful relationships that help to ease that pain instead of blaming the church or trying to make married people with children feel bad simply because they are married and have children. 

I know from experience that being married and having children is NOT the answer to all of your problems.  Only God can fill that emptiness and it is not fair to put that much expectation on a husband and children.  They cannot fulfill all of your desires, will fall short, and you will begin to blame them for your unhappiness and emptiness just like you are now blaming the church and seemingly those commenting on this post.  The pain of loneliness is but a drop in the bucket compared to the pain of hurting someone you love so very dearly. 

This is the first part to the comment above.  For some reason, it keeps telling me that there was spam in here.

I first read this post few months ago and have not been able to stop thinking about the single ladies and your pain.  I have been praying for you often.  I would like to share something I have learned from experience.  I was married at 38, so I know the pain of loneliness and how debilitating it can be.  I also know the pain of depression since I was diagnosed at 25.

I see something in your responses that make me think at least some of you may be depressed.  I say this because although the pain of loneliness is a very real cross for single people, those who are not depressed are out in society trying to form meaningful relationships that help to ease that pain instead of blaming the church. 

I know from experience that being married and having children is NOT the answer to all of your problems.  Only God can fill that emptiness and it is not fair to put that expectation on a husband and children.  They cannot fulfill all of your desires, will fall short, and you will begin to blame them for your unhappiness and emptiness just like you are now blaming the church and seemingly those commenting on this post.  The pain of loneliness is a drop in the bucket compared to the pain of hurting someone you love so very dearly.

Oh my goodness!  So sorry for all the posts.  I didn’t know they all went through.  It kept telling me error and saying it was spam so I first broke it up, thinking it was too long and then tried again.

As a mom of nine children. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability in writing this post. It took me down memory lane and reminded me to count my blessings one by one. :-)
Jamie
lifefullyloaded.com

Thank you, I know you wrote this a long time ago, but thank you. I have three little ones three and younger. And life is still hard. I need encouragement like this!