I was listening to “The John Tesh Radio Show: Intelligence for Your Life” the other day, and I thought—
Hold on, let me back up for a minute.
The reason I was listening to John Tesh is because, see, my husband was working late, I mean really late, and I kept on eating Fudgsicles while waiting for him to come home, and I still had to clean up the kitchen, and I knew I’d never put the Fudgesicles down and do the dishes if I didn’t have something to listen to. But the kids broke the antenna off the radio, so the only station that comes in clearly is a station which sucks you in by playing something good, like U2, and then something tolerable, like Tracy Chapman, and then the next thing you know it announces that you’ve been bopping your head agreeably to something called Adult Contemporary Continuous Soft Hits, and without even realizing what’s happened to you, you’re halfway through a Phil Collins marathon.
And you kind of like it.
Now, where I come from, that’s a misdemeanor on a good day. Continuous soft hits, I mean. That’s what my 9-year-old son does to my 13-year-old daughter allllllll the way home from school, and he does it just lightly enough that she can’t tell if it’s on purpose or not; but just to be on the safe side, she knocks him across the nose with her algebra book, and I can hardly blame her (but I do anyway, loudly enough to startle the pigeons as we drive by).
Then we hit that part of the road with construction delays, and just to pass the time, my other son sort of apologetically throws up into his Batman backpack. It’s all I can do to keep from yelling, “I’m a taxpayer. YOU COULDN’T DO THAT AT SCHOOL?”
Anyway, that’s why I was eating Fudgsicles and listening to John Tesh. It was either that or throw up in someone’s backback.
And the guy is . . . well, you know, he’s John Tesh. Look how smooth his skin is! Look at those blinding teeth! Even over the radio, his teeth are impressive. Say what you want about people who are singlehandedly destroying western civilization, one 12-second sound byte of trivial schlock at a time, but you kind of have to admire someone whose hair always looks like it turned out exactly the way he wanted it to turn out.
So as the sound of my own voice saying, “Can someone please clear the breakfast stuff off the table so we can have supper?” still echoed in the empty kitchen, I guess you could say I was just ready. Ready for Tesh. Ready to hear someone who has some answers, who has it together, who understands that life is not so hard! This thing we call human existence, what more is it, really, than a series of questions about pet care, portion control, and the occasional crippling emotional pathology which is keeping you from getting a job and sustaining meaningful relationships, but which can be easily turned around with the addition of a teaspoon of ground flax seed sprinkled over your Special K?
Does John Tesh ever get gas? Because flax seed gives me gas. I don’t know, maybe that’s why he’s always doing that pose where he’s sort of tilted over to one side, with his lips sort of compressed together.
He wants it to seem like he’s chuckling helplessly over the foibles of the human heart, but maybe he was just a little heavy handed with the flax scoop this morning. Or maybe both. Are the two really so different, after all?
Anyway, I don’t know how long his show lasts, because even I have my limits. What I do know is that here is a fellow who is here to help. He just wants to come into your kitchen and help you! A good man. So as the Holy Season of Advent approaches, I am going to follow his lead—Tesh it up a bit. I mean, I’m 32 years old. Wait, I’m 33. Oh my gosh, I’m 36 years old. By this time in my life, I must have some Intelligence for Life, right? Something to share, to ease the way?
So here is my challenge to you: let’s all Tesh it up a notch. Share what you know! We can’t all possibly be as useless as we appear, no matter how much flax seed we ate. I’ll start:
1. Do you find yourself you craving chips and salsa, but looking for a healthier alternative? Try pretzels and salsa. It’s contains far less saturated fat, and tastes just as good as pretzels and salsa.
2. Were you absent during grades K-12? Here is a handy reference to all you need to know:
-The Indians helped the Colonists by showing them you can put a dead fish on corn
Bonus College Quick Reference:
When something drops a horrible, rotten dead fish in your yard, you should consult an oracle to see what this means for the future of the republic. If no oracle is available, just get your husband to throw it in the bushes.
3. Are you looking for your glasses? They’re in the freezer.
Tesh it up!