I was listening to “The John Tesh Radio Show: Intelligence for Your Life” the other day, and I thought—
Hold on, let me back up for a minute.
The reason I was listening to John Tesh is because, see, my husband was working late, I mean really late, and I kept on eating Fudgsicles while waiting for him to come home, and I still had to clean up the kitchen, and I knew I’d never put the Fudgesicles down and do the dishes if I didn’t have something to listen to. But the kids broke the antenna off the radio, so the only station that comes in clearly is a station which sucks you in by playing something good, like U2, and then something tolerable, like Tracy Chapman, and then the next thing you know it announces that you’ve been bopping your head agreeably to something called Adult Contemporary Continuous Soft Hits, and without even realizing what’s happened to you, you’re halfway through a Phil Collins marathon.
And you kind of like it.
Now, where I come from, that’s a misdemeanor on a good day. Continuous soft hits, I mean. That’s what my 9-year-old son does to my 13-year-old daughter allllllll the way home from school, and he does it just lightly enough that she can’t tell if it’s on purpose or not; but just to be on the safe side, she knocks him across the nose with her algebra book, and I can hardly blame her (but I do anyway, loudly enough to startle the pigeons as we drive by).
Then we hit that part of the road with construction delays, and just to pass the time, my other son sort of apologetically throws up into his Batman backpack. It’s all I can do to keep from yelling, “I’m a taxpayer. YOU COULDN’T DO THAT AT SCHOOL?”
Anyway, that’s why I was eating Fudgsicles and listening to John Tesh. It was either that or throw up in someone’s backback.
And the guy is . . . well, you know, he’s John Tesh. Look how smooth his skin is! Look at those blinding teeth! Even over the radio, his teeth are impressive. Say what you want about people who are singlehandedly destroying western civilization, one 12-second sound byte of trivial schlock at a time, but you kind of have to admire someone whose hair always looks like it turned out exactly the way he wanted it to turn out.
So as the sound of my own voice saying, “Can someone please clear the breakfast stuff off the table so we can have supper?” still echoed in the empty kitchen, I guess you could say I was just ready. Ready for Tesh. Ready to hear someone who has some answers, who has it together, who understands that life is not so hard! This thing we call human existence, what more is it, really, than a series of questions about pet care, portion control, and the occasional crippling emotional pathology which is keeping you from getting a job and sustaining meaningful relationships, but which can be easily turned around with the addition of a teaspoon of ground flax seed sprinkled over your Special K?
Does John Tesh ever get gas? Because flax seed gives me gas. I don’t know, maybe that’s why he’s always doing that pose where he’s sort of tilted over to one side, with his lips sort of compressed together.
He wants it to seem like he’s chuckling helplessly over the foibles of the human heart, but maybe he was just a little heavy handed with the flax scoop this morning. Or maybe both. Are the two really so different, after all?
Anyway, I don’t know how long his show lasts, because even I have my limits. What I do know is that here is a fellow who is here to help. He just wants to come into your kitchen and help you! A good man. So as the Holy Season of Advent approaches, I am going to follow his lead—Tesh it up a bit. I mean, I’m 32 years old. Wait, I’m 33. Oh my gosh, I’m 36 years old. By this time in my life, I must have some Intelligence for Life, right? Something to share, to ease the way?
So here is my challenge to you: let’s all Tesh it up a notch. Share what you know! We can’t all possibly be as useless as we appear, no matter how much flax seed we ate. I’ll start:
1. Do you find yourself you craving chips and salsa, but looking for a healthier alternative? Try pretzels and salsa. It’s contains far less saturated fat, and tastes just as good as pretzels and salsa.
2. Were you absent during grades K-12? Here is a handy reference to all you need to know:
-The Indians helped the Colonists by showing them you can put a dead fish on corn
-Eli Whitney
-Suffragettes (1912-1913)
-TypingBonus College Quick Reference:
When something drops a horrible, rotten dead fish in your yard, you should consult an oracle to see what this means for the future of the republic. If no oracle is available, just get your husband to throw it in the bushes.
3. Are you looking for your glasses? They’re in the freezer.
Tesh it up!
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I don’t know. Tracy Chapman is about the only thing I remember from 1988 and that’s saying a LOT.
but Tesh is such a sissy man…
I have no knowledge to share, just a confession…I am a closet Phil Collins fan. I purposefully DO NOT turn the station when he comes on, I actually turn the volume up…and sing along. There, I said it. Although I will turn the station if the Phil Collins song is from a Disney soundtrack. And most of my other music choices would not be played on John Tesh radio, just so we’re clear about that.
Want to stay awake in the afternoon in that sluggish spot of the day when all the kids are trapped with you inside a large mobile metal box? Try eating some protein or dairy or you could just drift off while waiting in the construction line for the traffic to move…with that, I’m using the sage advice as an excuse to go through the drive thru at Chick Filet and order milk shakes. It beats the alternative of falling asleep or cleaning up the throw up.
And here I thought I had the monopoly on classic hits as played by children, punching I can handle. It’s the psychological warfare that can’t be beaten by Tesh or flax seeds, although milk shakes are terribly effective.
Television is only the root of all evil if it can’t keep the kids quiet on a rainy day.
I’m more of a Yanni man myself… though I’m pretty sure the Catechism says that that is disordered.
I think the best thing about having kids in school is that the first vomit of a stomach virus happens there, and the first vomit is the hardest one to clean.
Here’s a tip you could’ve used (but never learned at school): when your child throws up in his Batman backpack, find the drive-through fast food joint nearest your home and don’t buy anything. Just use the handy garbage can they always have and say goodbye, Batman!
I don’t know who should feel bad about this, you or or: I don’t know who John Tesh is. Does it matter that I’m 28? Or is it just another sign that I was a little too protected from pop-culture growing up?
Personally I like listening to John Tesh…white teeth and all. His advice camps on the moral side, and mixed with fun music, he’s okay. The kids listen…like the grandpa they never had. Regarding vomit…the above comments are pretty funny, but we don’t have to clean it up!
Pizza contains all of the food groups. Whomever tries to suggest it’s not a healthy meal is a fool.
Soylent Green is people. (Sorry, don’t feel that great myself either :)
I do listen to John Tesh, occasionally when I’m driving home late at night or need to get something done around the house. I like the Intellegence for your life show. It make me think. The music is not too bad either.
They were on my wife’s nightstand, nested inside her glasses. But the freezer was just as likely, to be honest. It was that kind of night.
I can’t stop laughing. I’m going to Adoration soon and now I’m paranoid that I’m going to have a laughing fit 1/2 way through the holy hour as I recall you Teshing it up a bit. Oh dear. Well, if I come up with any intelligence to live by, or what not, I’ll be sure to share. Right now the only thing I can think of is, when in doubt, check the diaper.
Tears in my eyes, big fat ones. LOL so hard.
Chlorophyl pills give you all the joyful satisfaction of the fart, without all that obnoxious oder that proves you have the farts.
1. Don’t chop up those tiny red chiles they serve in Chinese restaurants and then go number 1 without washing your hands first (if you’re a guy).
2. Always chew the olives in your martini well: you never know when you’ll be seeing them again.
3. The female lead on “Burn Notice” is very scary looking but for some reason they keep making that show anyway.
oh my goodness…on a week where I am spending hours unsubbing from blogs i have become addicted to in order to be able to feed my family again, i just signed up for yours…on a google reader. its a start—-my personal tesh.
hugs,
Holly
overtired and sick mom of 11 sitting here with tears of mirth rolling down her face…thank you!
Dear Simcha,
Do you like U2’s “Where the Streets Have No Name?” I had a dream last name that a (nameless, faceless) friend did NOT like this song. As soon I remember who it is, I’m going to delete that person from my friends list.
So anyway, I just shared your article on Facebook because, well, love it! And I was thinking to myself, I bet Simcha likes “Where the Streets Have No Name.” So I thought I’d ask. =D
God bless,
Bethany
foodie ‘intelligence’ for your life:
pretend homemade oatmeal is 3 spoons of dry milk, a cup of rolled oats, cover with water and microwave for 2 minutes
Tapatio hot sauce will save almost anything
Vodka can live in the freezer and stay as long as needed whereas a bottle of wine should be finished quickly (or used in cooking if it wasn’t that great to begin with)
This reminds me of the Kenny G music my mother made us listen to through formal dinners growing. Now if that isn’t vomit inducing, I don’t know what is!
Having confrontations at work? Well, consider blaming your wardrobe! Studies show that ties with warm colors like red and orange are more likely to incite aggression in coworkers. So make cool, mellow tones like blue and green your new “power color.”
Is there a void in your life that salty snacks can’t fill? Well put those Fritos down, fatty! Research shows that the supercharged miracle fruit acai berries increase alertness and decrease obesity. So next time you’re having a snack attack, break out of your comfort zone and snack smart!
In your thirties and still single? What are you waiting for, stupid? Statistics show that married men are less likely to overeat, as well as commit suicide at work. So do yourself and your coworkers a favor and “put a ring on it.”
Didn’t anyone notice this was sort of psychedelic blog post? Tesh it up? Must be code…
The older I get the more I realize that so many of those kitchy sayings are true. Your post confirms an alarming one: “We are all the same”. I’ll get past the obvious, meaning the deepest longings of the heart.
And just refer to your observations:
vomit: check (copious amounts, new car smell long gone)
sister hitting brother: check
husband working late: check
broken antennas (lots): check
Getting my groove on (Alice music streaming live San Francisco): check
late night indulgence: check (Chardonnay is even better when you aren’t preg.; makes the groove better. Cheap Chuck Trader Joe’s if it’s a weekday, Meridien if it’s a week-end )
Flax seeds: check (does your Mom bug you about it too?)
*(Flax seeds part II: I was raised by a mother with far too much British blood to even acknowledge such things exist )
Stuck in the car with kids while road workers fixing a pot hole make us wait an extra half-hour: check (I catch my kid flashing them the “L” sign because they’ve picked up on my bad vibe)
sneaking a peek at crap TV: check. Ohhhhhhh, THAT’S Kim Kardashian (heh) “That Mom should be ashamed!”
Extra Advice? Put big zip lock bags in the car if you have a chronic barfer. Never have him stick his head out the window if you’re on the freeway! Sooooo gross.
I had this idea for a tv show: it is about an old folks home for aging pop icons like fabio and Mr. T. The staff would be the Harlem Globetrotters. There is a place for Tesh in this show, as there is in all shows.
1. The more likely you are to *need* your children to nap, the greater the probability that they will stick hangers in the wall sockets instead of sleep.
2. “Childproofing” is a myth (see #1). All it does is frustrate adults and teach children basic engineering concepts at a young age.
3. I used to think I was brilliant for always keeping a stash of baby wipes and/or “Wet Ones” in the car to take care of inevitable stickiness and other such messes. I have since learned that: a) This is a pointless effort, b) children can be readily entertained by emptying such containers, and c) they don’t work anyway when frozen from sitting in the car when it’s been below zero for a few days.
4. On the other hand, a roll of paper towels and a stash of plastic grocery bags (very un-green, I know) should be kept in the car at all times.
***
love this post, am forwarding it to every mother I know (even though I should get to the laundry and dishes and…). ;-)
Pretzels and salsa, yes please! Only make sure the salsa is incorporated into a healthy helping of butter and velveeta… mmmmmmmmm. What was that you were saying about saturated fat? I couldn’t hear you because I was too busy thinking about pretzels and velveeta. Excuse me, I think I need to go call my husband at work and ask him to stop at the store on the way home.
Yes! Thanks, Simcha! I need to laugh these days! Endorphins are good for the soul!
I realized I held out on the best tip of all…But I only came into this myself fairly recently. 5 PM daily Mass!!! I used to call it “The five o’clock burn” But now, “the oasis”... I kick it into high gear so the kids are fed. My husband works really early so we can go together (when possible). We read “In Conversation with God” on the way there, say half the rosary and “bliss out” holding hands at mass. Absolutely lovely and just what the doctor ordered….(requires a good teenage babysitter if you have a busy household)...
@RMMT: Your comments 1. and 2. ROFL.
My wife & I have 12 grandkids - when Joshie was 5, I determined that there was no such thing as “Joshie-Proof”; however, something could be made “Joshie-Resistant”. If you gave the kid a reinforced-steel concrete block and challenged him, he would have found some way to destroy it. Some of our grandkids have proved to be really resourceful.
(He is now taking Automotive Repair in a community college, and probably will be very good at it.)
I don’t know what it is in Simca Fisher blogs that gets me reminiscing. It may be the large happy family atmosphere. Anyway, thank you, Simca, for the entertainment, including those who comment on your posting.
TeaPot562
Love this story! I haven’t laughed this hard in a while!
At least once a week, have “breakfast for supper” day. Cook double quantities of pancakes and sausage, serve at 7:30 AM, and then just leave what’s left on the table until 6 PM.
Yes, sharing our Intelligence for Life. Here’s mine.
Chopped canned olives are just olives! you can chop them yourself and feel superior.
Dirty socks (the ankle part, not the sole part) can be safely used to wipe a toddler’s nose in the winter, since Kleenex never lasts in the car and we have an ongoing supply of dirty socks.
You know that mixed drink called a Screwdriver? You can make it with cranapple juice instead. We call it a Sunday Driver. But don’t try it with straight apple juice (vomit-worthy).
Molly Ringwald movies are not as funny now as they were twenty years ago.
John Tesh’s childhood ambition was to be a Ken doll, and I for one think he’s succeeded fabulously.
From the files of a former professional housewife:
1. Contrary to popular mythology, hot water does not “set” stains, cold water does. Blood and poop stains especially, respond wonderfully to a simple scrub of hot water and bar soap.
2. Just about every cookie and brownie recipe tastes way better with extra salt.
3. Cooking sober is just plain barbaric.
4. The dirty laundry basket is a magical container, much like the Horn of Plenty in that it never remains empty for longer than a…well never.
5. It’s a scientific fact that a toddler can evenly and copiously crumb 2000 square feet of living space with just a single cookie.
5. The only time you’ll ever see someone you knew from high school will be the day you are painting the house and will have to run out and buy more tape and the spouse will talk you into stopping in a bar to watch part of the game and you will drink too much and then go to the grocery store for bread and the ONE person you really, really liked from high school will be there (home for the holidays) and this person will be living a glamourous life in some glamourous location and they will pity your paint covered bum clothes and the hippie bandana covering your greasy hair and your obvious drunkeness and no matter how much you try to sound intelligent and Tesh-y you’ll never convince them you aren’t indigent in a cardboard hovel under an overpass.
Miss H, You made my morning. Your freeway underpass trumps my freeway vomit, hands down. I’m going to have to bump it up a notch, just to say that my son’s ex finance was out from Texas to visit us at home for the first time when our freeway “incident” occurred. We were on a road trip down the coast, with six of our kids and I saw my ten-year-old exhibiting all of the usual symptoms. I yelled “stick your head out the window!” and he obliged. A new Mercedes convertible behind us swerved and had to put its windshield wipers on. We were half way to our destination when we stopped for gas and I discovered that about six square feet of the side of the car was COVERED and it had hardened like concrete. I calmly started scrubbing at it with the gas station windshield cleaner. When she looked out the window somewhat traumatized (she’s an only child) I flashed her my most brilliant Teshy smile and said “Welcome to the family”!
Bwhahahahahaha! We vomit in your general direction, bourgeoisie Mercedes driver!! Children puking up the planet, ruining the sports cars of DINKS and probably emitting all kinds of greenhouse gases in the process. It could be a new form of protest, better than Occupy Wall Street. BTW did this incident contribute to her being your son’s ex-fiance? Was she afraid she end up all “Duggar”?
Are the Duggars real? Our big family is sooooooo not Duggar. I think I might rather die than make a tater tot casserole. My husband hyperventilates if I pause on that channel. We just don’t understand. It’s like a Little House on The Prairie cult on steroids. How is it that the Mom never gets mad? I think the entire nation would breathe a collective sigh of relief if she called some well deserving recipient an ass——every now and then. Does vomit, poop and bed wetting not happen in the Duggar household because they don’t have a mortgage? My son’s relationship debacle had more to do with a collision of values, not really that road trip itself, but yes, living in an unreal world with unreal expectations WAS the problem. My theory is that you have to teach your children right from wrong,let them live life, make mistakes, fall, and hopefully learn from those falls. And yes s—- happens (and vomit). So put on your seat belt cause it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Here’s to REAL Moms, shaping their kids in the REAL WORLD!:0
HA-larious! Oh yes, the surreal serenity, Little House on Benzoids. If you come from a long line of sailor-mouthed women such as myself, it seems unnatural, almost spooky and Thomas Kinkade-esque. I always assumed someone opens a can-o-wup@$# when the cameras click off, how else would you keep 20 kids from killing each other and wrecking the place? I come from a family of 5 and for at least 8 hours out of any day we screamed, slapped, tattled, scratched, yanked hair, Indian-burned and one memorable summer, chased each other with barbeque forks. I know one big Italian family where the brothers have bullet wounds from sibling smack downs (known as the “time Pete found a 22 in the garage” incident. It is a source of hilarious reminiscence at every family get together). But anyway, I’m with you, I just don’t get it. But then I feel bad that I don’t get it. Should I get it? Would I get it if I hadn’t come from a long line of sailor-mouthed women and fork-wielding maniacs?
Who or what is John Tesh ?
I about SCREAMED when I read this!!
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I can tell by the swear words and the door slamming when my husband has been listening to John Tesh on the way home from work. I’m glad he is my husband, because only my sweetheart hates John Tesh more than I (well, unless you want to hear my rant on Nicholas Cage).
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My twelve and fourteen year old daughters though—-they love him. They are ever quoting his pathetic new-age advice, particularly at dinner. Until my husband bangs his fist on the table and I cheer.
Well, I respect the guy for staying married to his wife for so many years. No small feat in Hollywood. In fact, it is probably less likely than me ever becoming famous.
Hey, I like Nicholas Cage. Ever see 8MM?
Leaving Las Vegas was excellent….he was super in that, but then he seemed to fit the part.
8MM: I think I fell asleep. I shall try again ;-)
Hee hee hee! Thank you for making me laugh out loud. You had me somewhere between the vom and “I’m a taxpayer.”
I’m 29 and I know who John Tesh is… does that make me wise beyond my years?
Oh my goodness, people!! Simcha is only 36?!?!
When is Simcha due? She hasn’t posted or commented in 4 days….maybe she is just getting some good naps
Perhaps my humor is crazed- but go to youtube and search Nicholas Cage’s ‘Wicker Man’—-you will LAUGH at this very serious drama- watch alone before you show kids of any age
Wicker Man…(Snicker Man, maybe. HA HA)
That was a weird movie to begin with. Supposedly the original was pretty campy though.
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I can’t stand it when he is cast has the leading man in a romantic drama. His face is so wooden. Blech.
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He was at his best worst in Con Air. I think he had the groovy mullet for that flick.
Ok…so I googled. It isn’t technically a mullet. But it might as well be.
These are so my favorite kind of your posts. Laughed and nodded in agreement all the way through. My “Teshism”—Make sure your children know that when you think something is totally wrong, mistaken, stupid, whacked, you will say, “You may be right.” Totally messes them up and is highly entertaining for Mom. Can be used for all criticism anywhere you get it.
Oh dear. I’m laughing so hard at the column (and some of the comments), and I’m dying to share them with anyone I see today, but I know I’ll forget some of the important details and anyway it’s one of those things that you have to be there for so I’m disappointed but I’ll get over it.
My word of acquired wisdom:
When it’s all said and done, parents have only two major responsibilities:
1) Embarrass the child whenever possible.
2) Equip the child with the skills and insight necessary to select a good therapist later in life to help fix all the things the parents did wrong.
It was the day before Thanksgiving and we had to leave the battered women’s shelter because my son had such terrible stomach flu so I got us a room at a fleabag motel. Once in the room my son said he was feeling better and was hungry. I had nothing but a stale bagel and a can of chocolate Slimfast so I gave him the bagel. He ate it and insisted he was still hungry so I eventually gave in and let him have the Slimfast. A while later when my teenaged daughter was camped out in the bathroom he jumped up and announced that he was going to puke. I opened the door and told him to heave over the balcony wall but he only made it far enough to spew against inside of the balcony wall. I brought him back into the room and we all collapsed into bed for the night. When we left the next morning we saw that his puke had frozen into a perfect chocolately bagely wall of ice on the balcony wall opposite our door. But it was OK because our order of protection had come through and we were able to have the best Thanksgiving ever back in our home.
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