Every month or so, I check my blog stats, and discover that someone who ... well, someone who is not like me finds my blog by searching for some variation on the phrase, “women who have gone to hell for wearing trousers.”
Now, I’ve seen Pulp Fiction, too. I know what the Lord says about those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. FURrrrrious anger! Ka-blammo! That was awesome.
I mean, it was a terrible, immoral film which I regret watching seven times to figure out if it was actually about anything. (Conclusion: No. But The Big Lebowski definitely was.)
But really, does He send women to Hell for wearing trousers? Does He send women to Hell at all? Maybe that was the original plan, but I’m guessing that when God really sits down and takes a close look at what the typical woman’s day is like, He passes a trembling hand across His clammy brow and proclaims, “My daughter, you have suffered enough.”
For instance:
reason #1. Laundry. Yes, yes, lots of men do laundry too, do-dah, do-dah. Not even just that wretched frat boy in the Suds-n-Such Laundromat at 11 p.m., miserably staring into the window of the dryer, and wondering, as he shifts uncomfortably around in what is clearly the very last clean pair of sweatpants left in the dorm, just how many minutes more until he gets his stuff back. No, I fully understand that there are real, live, manly men who just go ahead and wash, dry, and fold clothes quietly and competently without making a big deal out of it. (Source)
But mostly, it’s the ladies who do the laundry. Why? Because when we tell the kids, “Put your dirty clothes in the hamper,” we mean, “Stuff your wet bathing suit behind your bookshelf and don’t say anything about it until 12 minutes before you need to attend your best friend’s pool party, and were hoping to wear something non-moldy for the occasion.”
Because when we say, “Clean your room,” we mean, “Sling every last bit of fabric-like substance you can find into the laundry basket, because your mother enjoys making room in her schedule to wash, dry, fold, put away four weeks’ worth of dirty clothes, two weeks’ worth of clean clothes that fell on the floor and are now tainted, and anything else that could conceivably fit into the category of textiles, including slippers, flags, tie dyed handkerchiefs of uncertain colorfastness, doll purses, a fairy costume which she sewed by hand for your sixth birthday and which you have been using as a fingerpaint rag; and a plastic potholder loom with a couple of elastic loops clinging to it. You know: clothes.”
Because when we say, “Oh, thank goodness it’s the weekend, and there’s nothing planned!” we mean, “Hello, laundry.”
Yes, women do laundry because it’s not only necessary, but it’s saving their souls, and we appreciate that. Deep down in the heart of us, even when we look like we are filled with maniacal rage as we scrabble away with furious nails at yet another ketchup stain, we are praising a merciful God who, in His wisdom, hath ordained that women will work out our salvation to the penitential sound of overall clasps smacking around in the dryer.
Reasons #2-10. Other Women. Especially women who say they are offended.
I had a dream last night. The Blessed Mother herself appeared to me. She was standing in the middle of the food court in a mall, while women of every shape, sort, age and societal stratum whirled around her like so many dry leaves in the autumn wind. At first I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to offer her a Tropi-Colada Smoothie from Orange Julius, because I had a coupon, but then that seemed stupid. Then I realized she was speaking to me.
My daughter, she said, I can see that you were planning to write something really awful about your fellow sisters in Christ in the next paragraph. If, for the love of my Son, you can just kind of erase that whole part, and come up with something else really quick before the deadline, even though three kids have dentist appointments that same day, then you will be spared eternal hellfire. Unless you do something else really stupid before you die.
Then she leaned forward and whispered, “They drive me crazy, too!”
And then she WUNK at me!
Comments
Post a Comment
...but what was The Big Lebowski about?!
Oh Simcha, you are a funny one…thank you for your witty observations that diffuse the annoyances in whatever tedium you are discussing.
I was going to describe my experiences in the crucible of feminine torment, but Our Lady asked me not to.
@Laura. Obviously you’re not a golfer.
Laura - The Big Lebowski was, and continues to be, about the moral, spiritual, and fiscal death throes of an end-of-the republic society ruined by godlessness and fiat currency. Duh. Also, bowling while stoned.
Oh, my WORD, you outdid yourself today!!!! Thanks for an opportunity to laugh out loud like a madwoman before setting off on the daily Clothing Round-Up. (PS—not proud of myself for the number of times I’ve watched Pulp Fiction either…)
Oh my—weeping openly with laughter at the laundry list—
You left out the fact that you can fold 14 loads and because you didn’t do socks, you’re still left scrambling. Sympatico. Love it.
Genius. Thank you for for the morning laughter.
I love your source.
AMDG
I fall over laughing when I read “wunk”. I love your dream about Mary, I can see her being just like that!
I was waiting for “wunk” to show up :). The Dude abides.
#11: Brigham Young seemed pretty sure that there were no women in Hell:
“I doubt whether it can be found, from the revelations that are given and the facts as they exist, that there is a female in all the regions of hell.”
(Growing up out west made me a slight Mormonism nerd.)
HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!
Oh come on: Pulp Fiction is *this* close to being mangled-into-submission as an edited-for-tv version on TBS. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it!
After yesterday, which will forever hereafter be known as the “Adoration Fiasco with Kids,” I may have qualified as the “First Woman to End up in Hell.” Never have I hissed at children with so much anger for so many minutes so that the entire half hour passed without so much as a “Please, God, help me now!!” *sigh*
I’m off to spike my tea so I can live with myself.
Coffee happily spurting everywhere! HA! ha…oh….mmm…more laundry. O.o
Welll, crap. I guess I better go do my laundry; I have a lotta sins to atone for.
The “source” was the best part, but it was all golden. Simcha, I love you.
“because I had a coupon” just about killed me.
Hee hee hee…discretion is the better part of humor!
This is exquisite. How you can spin such phrases with everything going on in your life is amazing. And it’s funny because it is all true. Especially the dryer-smacking overall clasps.
Loved: “[W]hen God really sits down and takes a close look at what the typical woman’s day is like, He passes a trembling hand across His clammy brow and proclaims, “My daughter, you have suffered enough.””
Reason #11: Purgatory
Dear Simcha Fisher, I agree with you and I admire you and all women who graciously do laundry and take care of their children and husbands. Because their’s is a gift of humility and service, sometimes borne loudly in resentment, but boren none the less. Our only solice is that eventually these kids, who give us such grief, will grow up and take up the Cross that you so valiantly raise and keep from their shoulders while they are still in your nest. I too do laundry, a little of it every week. But my wife does all of the laundry tirelessly, and that is after working at least 10 hours a day(outside the house). The least I can do for her is buy a washer and dryer that works well. And any man out there, who wants to brag about how much laundry they do, consider yourself punched right in the mouth! by me!
This is a gem: “women will work out our salvation to the penitential sound of overall clasps smacking around in the dryer.”
I’ll never listen to that sound the same way again.
Four loads for me today! 1. Because nobody can use a towel twice 2. Because two of the kids have white spots on their backs that google images has convinced me is fungal which makes me an even bigger laundry freak 3. because it was 85 degrees yesterday and we went to the beach, which was glorious and made me stop being p.o.‘d about everything and which convinced me that life aint so bad, and everyone is forgivable. Malls do the opposite, but are effective for purgation. Did you REALLY dream about Mary?
Mamry appeared to me last night too, she said: “Your input might be spam”. She wunk too.
Mary!
Man, and I have to do laundry today too. But as a guy, this only involves dumping a hamper into the washer, and eventually unloading dry laundry back into the same hamper. I’ve never figured out this whole sorting and folding thing.
This morning, after I had sorted and stacked up the TEN loads I have to do today, I sat and stared at it all and thought, “How does THIS happen??? Every 3rd day!!!” Now I know. Shoulda read your post first. Thank God for laundry. :)))
I have not laughed this hard is oh so so so long! The kids are checking my wine glass to see if I started early….oh wait, they are filling it for me! I LOVE YOU SIMCHA! And right now, I really love my kids!
THANK YOU!!!!!!
Thank you! That made me laugh out loud….I needed that today. :)
Simcha: You don’t know me but I read you all the time and I had a dream all your children came over to my little house so you could get a break and I was so delighted until I found them drawing in red permanent markers on our hardwood floors. I forgive them, by the way. ; )
(and my two boys have already destroyed the 100-year old floors with gum, Krazy glue, sharpies etc. so I don’t know why your kids doing that upset me)
I confess I am male. Forwarded to my sister and my niece the Marine wife with the comment: “On another note, here’s what men think about when they think anything at all about women doing laundry.” www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODlmEjZ8UFA [Siren scene from Brother Where Art Thou?]
This always happens: As I click on a link to your blog, my body prepares itself for laughter—kind of a pavlovian effect, I imagine. If I’m thinking clearly, I’ll make time to clean off my mascarra before before starting to read your blog, because sometimes tears accompany the laughter. But I never had the opportunity before to truly appreciate the oft-used (in the texting world, anyway) phrase “ROFLMBO” until I clicked on your “source.” Thanks once again, Simcha, for making my day! (Now I have to get to the laundry. Seriously.)
I haven’t watched any of those movies: I don’t have a tv in the laundry room.
I enjoyed reading everyone’s comments today as well as the blog! And my husband bought me new, industrial-sized laundry equipment this week! You have to have a doctorate to be able to use it, I think, but I’ve done half-a-dozen loads so far. I think I’m obsessed! PS: my “captcha” is sun48—the current weather condition here—really!
“Dry leaves on an autumn day” – like the Fatima quote about souls going to hell? Wow!?! Heavy statement in the middlle of the hilarity. Sometimes when I’m in the mall running around I feel like me and all the other crazed shoppers are on a highway to anywhere but heaven…dry leaves…wow…
Thanks for the laugh!
Thank you for my morning laugh after a blissful adoration hour, and before the dreaded… laundry, filing, cooking, cleaning, organizing, referee-ing, shopping, crafting, schooling, etc. I agree about women who are ‘offended,’ like there’s time to worry about it. So funny.
My husband does all the laundry in our house. I did it for 18 years, and it was never up to his specs. One day he said to me with great sadness, “You really can’t do it right, can you?” To which I replied, “You are right, you’ve tried, but I can’t be taught, you better do it.” And he has. Ever since. It is lovely. All my underwear always folded and in my drawers. All my clothes hanging on hangers. I never have to look for something to wear, everything I own is always clean. He doesn’t even have to worry about moldy bathing suits because the kids know that he will just toss it in the garbage and they will stay home from the pool party if it doesn’t get washed and turns moldy. They don’t expect dad to cover for their mistakes and get their stuff to the hamper where it belongs. It is, however, very cool for me to have clean clothes appear as if by magic. So, hopefully, reasons #2-10 will be enough to get me through to heaven. Since I work in a predominantly female workplace, I think I may just have a chance and maybe my consolation on this earth is having a husband who does laundry. (He doesn’t do dishes though. Not at all. Once when I was gone for 2 weeks for NFP instructor training I got back to a sink, table, and counter of very moldy dishes. He and the kids had resorted to eating cereal out of coffee mugs because every other dish, plate, and pan was dirty. Goodness knows the laundry was never THAT bad. Well, almost never.)
MELISSA, You took your kids to Adoration. That’s a beautiful thing. You should be proud of yourself.
I’ll be reading this out loud to the family this evening.
@Melissa you had me crying with your “adoration fiasco”
Simcha thank you for this, and sharing your commentors.
Sing it sister.
When are you coming to Florida? Just wondering.
There are no women in hell because several of them on a blog have made hell on earth for some people. Don’t disagree.
Excuse this Newbie, but how does one subscribe to this blog? I couldn’t find the info on the page I read…
@ Laura, Big Lebowski was all about the rug! It really brought the room together.
I gave up trousers anyway, after I was informed I was not allowed to correct the young women at Mass about short skirts, shorts, low cut tops, etc, now I wear long skirts (and opaque stockings) every day and everyone knows I am in favor of modesty without me having to say anything.
Pulp Fiction is a comedia. It is a series of three comedic pieces that move from the infernal to the purgatorial (and in one hints at the final movement to the paradisal). It is about endurance in the fallen world, and how each protagonist becomes “the shepherd” of that made-up Ezekiel passage (its pretty good biblical mimicry), protecting and ultimately becoming very unlikely mediators of grace to people who think they are bad, but come up against much more dangerous evils.
Simcha, this is one of your best yet, and that’s saying something.
Thanks for the laughs
I read the whole thing to my husband and we both laughed and admired you. You’re just an awesome writer, Simcha. Thanks for the giggles.
Jules: Well, if you like burgers give ‘em a try sometime. I can’t usually get ‘em myself because my girlfriend’s a vegitarian which pretty much makes me a vegitarian. But I do love the taste of a good burger. Mm-mm-mm. You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with cheese in France?
Brett: No.
Jules: Tell ‘em, Vincent.
Vincent: A Royale with cheese.
Jules: A Royale with cheese! You know why they call it that?
Brett: Because of the metric system?
Now I got the munchies. Hahaha!
Hm. I’m afraid laundry isn’t my ticket Upstairs, as I am in some ways the female equivalent of that frat boy. (Has any other woman here gone out and bought socks and underwear just so she could avoid washing for another week ?)
You’re killing your father Larry.
Having raised 8 children I can say I know a bit about laundry. so the mixture of dirty and clean that is tainted made me smile (at the time I am sure I screamed.) I often said that when I get to purgatory ( not trying to presume, but for the sake of the story) I will be ushered into a room that is filled with all the things that made it to the bottom of the basket, single socks, hairbands, a belt for a dress long gone. My directive will be that when the room is cleared I can consider myself ready to meet the Lord for I will be purged of all earthly attachment.
Anna,
You can put some dandruff shampoo on those white spots. I forget the ingredient that’s supposed to be in it, though. I think whatever is in Selsun Blue. Might want to google it, but my midwife recommended it for my little guy’s white spots. (Unfortunately, this might create more laundry, as you have to leave the residue on the skin and it will spread to the clothes.)
Interesting question that Mrs. Fisher raises, wisely in a humorous and somewhat indirect way. We all know that men go to hell because they look at pornography and ogle women, but what could possibly cause women to go to hell? Most people are hard-up to find anything. Food for thought:
http://www.drurywriting.com/keith/Do.Women.sin.htm
Inspired by this post, I invited my husband to a date on the couch with The Big Lebowski. It was nice and, considering we have been watching tv at night in separate rooms for about a month, perhaps a help to the old marriage scenario.
Interesting question that Mrs. Fisher raises, wisely in a humorous and somewhat indirect way. We all know that men go to hell because they look at pornography and ogle women, but what could possibly cause women to go to hell? Most people are hard-up to find anything. Food for thought:http://www.drurywriting.com/keith/Do.Women.sin.htm
Perfect. Do you get sick of being told you are a genius?
LOL… I just love your articles… I can so relate. I was in confession several months ago and the priest, after hearing about my life and all I do (work, go to grad school, mother, wife, writer…etc) he said to me that I didn’t need to do any penance… I already was!!! LOL!
um….Winked…. She winked at you. Lol, For about a minute I was stuck wondering what horrible thing a wunk could be! Haha!
How is it that so many kids have that exact same, bizarrely translated understanding of words like, “Clean your room,” and “Put your dirty clothes in the hamper?” Too funny. And how ironic that I’m blog surfing to avoid laundry right now… I’d better get on it!
Little Lebowski’s big brother and bowling. Or was that Grebowski? I think the elder son of that old “Sea Hunt” actor was in it; the main character?
I confess, I only do laundry for three people in our home of eight: myself, my husband, and the five-year old until he’s old enough to do it himself. I started the kids doing their own years ago (by age 10 at the latest)and if they have nothing to wear, it’s their own fault. However, since the first five were each two years apart, I’ve done my fair share. And the overall buckles smacking around in the dryer was priceless!!!
“Buckyinky” (lol) I don’t get it. That was a site for male gamers. (It said “gamer green” at the bottom) Lol It was a bunch of posts from boys complaining about their despicable wives! (getting in the way of Xbox?) What up with that??
“anna lisa” - I get something entirely different. Not sure what’s going on. I’ll repost the link in the next comment and see if that works.
Priceless!
I couldn’t stop laughing at the “source”. Hubby didn’t find it so funny.
>We all know that men go to hell because they look at p-rnography and >ogle women, but what could possibly cause women to go to hell
Sadly, the number of women looking at p-rn is soaring.
Laughing hysterically!!!!! And being this pregnant, it is not good that I am laughing this hard, as I am creating more laundry!!!!!! Love it, Simcha!
This is such a funny column! You hit the nail on the head with the kids laundry. I too have “fond” memories of piled clothes that had to be washed right away for something or other! I also recall fondly dirty and clean clothes mixed together.
But in my case you left out messy husbands who leave dirty socks and such sometimes where they took them off, because they had mothers that spoiled them. Now that my teen has grown, I still have “laundry weekends”—sorry, Simcha, it doesn’t even end when you retire and your kids are gone!
My mother used to say, jokingly, that after she went to Confession, the priest would tell her that she’d be going to heaven, because she “had her hell on earth”. As they say, a woman’s work is never done!
For what it’s worth, anna lisa, I tried again to post the web address in another comment, but the filter on the comments will not allow just a link apparently. Still, copying and pasting the link I gave above (http://www.drurywriting.com/keith/Do.Women.sin.htm) still works for me. Maybe you had the website you mentioned already on your clipboard and thought you had copied the one I listed, but actually ended up pasting one you had previously copied into your browser? Otherwise, not sure what happened when you tried to read the web page. Thanks for trying anyway.
And I still don’t understand what Pulp Fiction was about. . . lol
How about the time when women who had about 10 children. How about the women who washed by hand, or in the cold water of rivers and lakes? What have we to complain about? I love my electric front load washing machine.
@Buckyinky, no worries. The first website I got to pertained to the issue of women’s self awareness in the area of sin as well. As an aside, it wasn’t a complete waste of time, as one of the “gamer” husbands posted this joke: “How do we know that Adam and Eve weren’t Asian?” answer: Because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake” Big laugh—My sushi-loving family loved that one. As for the very serious subject of women and sin at Drurywriting, I’m afraid to say that the women who were in that classroom weren’t the sharpest tools in the shed…! Of course we Catholic women know we are SINNERS. Just pick up St. Teresa of Avila, and listen to a SAINT who describes herself as a sinful “worm” before God. Simcha has made sarcasm an art form.
Have you been sneaking in to study my laundry when I wasn’t looking? I have finally gotten to the point where I sift out clean clothes while sorting. If I see something that I don’t remember their wearing, I check it over and if I don’t see any visible dirt on it, I fold it up and put it back in their clean clothes pile. Actually, I check lots of clothes for that. Jeans I sneak a few wearings before washing by putting them back if there is no visible dirt. Same with sweaters and sweatshirts. Mittens and hats have to be really dirty if they are going to actually make it into the washer. Is that cheating?
There is an acronym, which unfortunately I cannot write here, but which woman are called all the time (and rhymes with “which”):
Being In Total Control of Herself
If it’s true, then laundering the white socks (ankle, mid-calf, shin, long soccer, short, roll-top, wicking, non-wicking, thermal, cotton, synthetic, and wool in varying sizes and of varying stripe patterns) for my happily large and very sporty family could counteract a lot of selfish sinfulness from my college days.
Laundry as pre-death purgatory: I’m down with that.
Too true, Jeanette Marie! AND it could also be offered up for a shortening of your crazy kids’ and husband’s future purgatory sentances(is that what we call it? their isn’t multiple ‘purgatories’, so I couldn’t use that phrase. Could have said ‘times in purgatory’...). Hey, here is a link to a poem I wrote about the communion of saints and offing up miseries.
http://www.teenink.com/poetry/ballad/article/397929/Lonely-Fires
Check it out if you can, everybody.
Life is easy: its the laundry that will kill you.
ahaha, you are a funny lady. Good lunchtime blog reading chuckle. Oh well, back to to work.
What a hilarious blog! Enjoy your column and all the responses. My children are all out of the nest long ago, but you brought back so many memories of pleading with them to clean their room (the boys especially) and writing out a long list of “YOUR ROOM IS CLEAN WHEN…” with 20 or so detailed instructions. Finally gave up, began cleaning their room and always ended up with enough change I found to take myself to lunch! When the teenagers complained that I ruined their clothes or did not do their laundry properly, that Christmas 4 of them got their own laundry hampers, a supply of laundry soap, and directions on how to run the washer and dryer. Then I had to contend with washer and dryer sounds at midnight for awhile. It was good training for all of them. Before I got married and moved a block and a half from the family home, my mother did all my laundry and ironed my clothes much of the time, too, though she had a full time teaching job. Spoiled I was! Thanks for reminding us that our “chores” are our road to heaven!
As the mother of eleven, I found this extremely accurate and hilarious! Reading it aloud to my husband, I had to keep stopping because I was laughing too hard and wiping tears away!
Does anyone remember Lilith? Also, Milton depicted “Sin” as a woman.
Why do you hate me?
Lilith is (in origin, before the Jews got onto her & humanised her) a demoness, not a woman. Demonesses don’t qualify as women - otherwise it would be impossible to include some unpleasant goddesses like the Furies
Post a Comment
By submitting this form, you give The National Catholic Register permission to publish this comment. Comments will be published at our discretion, and may be edited for clarity and length. For best formatting, please limit your response to one paragraph and don't hit "enter" to force line breaks.