Popular science has a lot to say about mothers and children lately. (Or maybe it’s just like when you buy a new car, and suddenly you see that model everywhere—maybe it’s just me!) There was this lovely little piece about what happens when a mother and her infant smile at each other. According to Science Now,
A new study shows that 3-month-old infants and their mothers can synchronize their heartbeats to mere milliseconds. Researchers sat 40 pairs of mothers and infants face-to-face, equipped with sticky skin electrodes on either side of their hearts. Beat for beat, mother-and-child hearts thumped together almost instantly as they shared loving looks or contented coos. This cardiac coupling worked only for moms with their own babies, and only when the duos synchronized smiles and other cheerful social behaviors, researchers report in this month’s issue of Infant Behavior and Development.
Researchers think that shared smiles and coos trigger all sorts of physiological changes, activating key areas in the brain that control heart rate and surges in oxytocin, the so-called “cuddle hormone.”
[snip]
In long-term studies, researchers have found that being emotionally “in sync” with parents at 3 months of age was a predictor of more secure attachment behavior at 12 months and fewer behavior problems at 24 months.
How good for you, and how pleasant, when mothers and babies dwell together!
Another scientific tidbit, this time from Wired, says that girls tend to calm down and feel better when they talk to their moms:
[B]oth phone conversations with mom and face-to-face talks triggered similar hormonal responses: a drop in cortisol, which is generally linked to stress, and a rise in oxytocin, which is linked to pleasure.
For the latest study, published in the January issue of Evolution and Human Behavior, they wanted to identify the source of that comforting ...
“Would this still work if we took out the tone, if we took out the verbal cues, and all we had left over was the content of the message?” said Seltzer.
No, it turns out. “[T]he results suggest that mom’s voice — its tones and intonations and rhythms, known formally as prosodics — trigger soothing effects, rather than what she specifically says.” Instant messaging your mom is not the same as hearing her voice. “By the study’s neurophysiological measures, IM was barely different than not communicating at all.”
And here’s one more story that’s begging me, like a needy child, to be included in this post, even though it’s not grounded in science. In fact, the author of the piece, Brian Pessaryo, says of the phenomenon he noticed, “It doesn’t matter if we don’t understand how it ‘works.’”
What phenomenon? Talking to his mother healed him of his porn addiction. Instantly.
His addiction was so firmly rooted that he says he “gave up resisting,” but when he began to pray the rosary nightly—when he spent some time talking to his mother—it was gone. He says,
OK, so I pray the Rosary and I kicked a nasty porn habit. Ho hum. Big deal, you think. Yes it is, because I should explain that when I say the addiction went away, I don’t mean gradually. I mean it vanished that first night. It was like someone reached inside my brain, found the switch for porn addiction, and turned it off. I can’t explain it. I’m not a sex therapist, but I know that’s not supposed to happen. You don’t just put down a 19-year porn addiction like yesterday’s newspaper and walk away from it. A lot of it has to do with a hormone called epinephrine that’s released in the brain each time you view pornography. It produces a high similar to cocaine. Epinephrine is the gift that keeps on giving because it has a nasty side effect of burning the images into your brain. That’s why even when I was in my late twenties I could still see those images from when I was eleven as if it were yesterday. And now they’re gone.
Pessaro explains that a friend happened to give him a book on Mary.
I felt her say to me sternly, “Brian you’ve got to stop looking at that garbage. Starting now!” My earthly mother hardly ever scolded me when I was younger. I was always the “good son.” But here I was at age 30 getting chastised by my Blessed Mother in a way I had never experienced. “What do you want me to do?” I asked helplessly. I turned the page. Pray the Rosary and wear the Scapular. I groaned. “Rosary? I’ve tried that before. It’s boring. It doesn’t work for me.” But Mary wouldn’t take no. “Try it again,” she insisted.
No smiles and coos here. But when he talked to his mother, you could say their hearts synchronized. More secure attachment behavior and fewer behavior problems? Check.
Talk to you mother! It’s good for you.
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Oddly appropriate for the day, thank you.
I am a mother by biology and adoption, and I am very curious to know if the same voice-soothing results will be true for my adopted kids even though their first months/years weren’t with me. Since attachment doesn’t rely entirely on biology, I’d love to see those experiments replicated with adoptive families. And I just love Brian’s experience! Thanks for sharing it! Freedom can happen instantaneously—a man at our church was freed from heroin addiction 20+ years ago and suffered no withdrawal symptoms, after placing his trust in Christ. There’s no medical explanation for that either.
Well, trigger the naysaying, miserable trolls, but my goodness! Good news is good news! Thanks for posting.
Now, I’m off to get some pointers from Blessed Mary myself, since my children aren’t big fans of me lately. Truth be told, I’m not feelin’ the synchronized heartbeat with them, either, if you know what I mean. *Cue irritating person (or my negative voices) who say, “Well, why did you have kids if you don’t enjoy them?”*
This is why: they are a regular reminder to overcome the naysaying, negative voices & start over & conquer my jerk-self. I’ve changed in ways for my kids that I wouldn’t have thought possible. They have a way of requiring change & improvement from me that I never would have tolerated from any other human being. If that means I’m “using” my kids to help get me to Heaven, then so be it. I like to think I’ll be able to help them, too. Good ol’ economy of salvation doesn’t let you down.
@Nancy, me too!My adoptive children bonded with LOTS of eye contact. Eyes are the windows to the soul? Love this article.
I love this.
I feel compelled to chime in and say that, I can almost feel the despair of those who struggle with addiction, coming in response to the story.
As with all sins, no sin is healed the same way in everybody.
NOT that I mean to say, “Don’t talk to your mother Mary” The story of that young man is a beacon of hope. But but that for many, the I daresay the healing process will be quite longer.
Don’t give up hope, people! Keep praying!
Love everything about this column. I was also interested in the attachment issues—we are biological parents preparing to become adoptive parents, and I’d love to hear what other adoptive parents have to say about their experiences along these lines. I also wondered, when the heartbeat study said “cardiac coupling worked only for moms with their own babies,” did that mean “own” in a biological sense or in a familial sense. (Although I doubt the study broke things down that much, since the majority of mothers are mothers to biological children).
Great findings!! I love it!! Now I wonder if there’s anything similar about fathers… I’d venture to guess it’s true for us too!
Yes, when children are that young, they are not capable of critical thinking and will naturally accept whatever is indoctrinated into their defenseless minds.
Such a lovely article! I love hearing/reading things like this. Vicki Thorne has several talks in which she brings together new findings similar to this one. “How good for you, and how pleasant, when mothers and babies dwell together!” Amen.
I would like to mention that for those struggling with addictions, and repetitive sins as well as physical illnesses, although we can always hope for such instantaneous and profound recovery from our struggles, we should not become discouraged if that isn’t what happens for us.
There is a strong tendency to feel that because some people are not cured, especially of addictions and habitual sin, there is something wrong with the sinner or the prayer. Certainly we have to continue to seek humility and turn to God for aid, but we also have to accept that sometimes God allows us to continue in this struggle and our part is to continue to seek forgiveness and healing.
Oh Simcha, I enjoy reading your posts because you usually make me laugh, but this one makes me sad. My mom died when I was 12, so no easy stress relief for me. I will simply have to rely on my Blessed Mother.
@Susan and @Nancy - me too! As the mother of both bio and adopted kids, I was wondering the same thing. The topic’s been on my mind lately though as one of my adopted kids has been experiencing troubles with first grade. He was abused/neglected his first year of life and there are issues that linger and the worst of it always comes out when he’s stressed. Before coming to Simcha’s blog this morning, I had been googling attachment disorder stuff. Not to sound like some hippy/dippy weirdo, but I know I parent that son differently from my other kids because I can literally feel his grief over not having had a loving first mother.
@Kristen, there’s a lot of info out on the internet, and different parents have had success with different approaches. I just ordered three books by Daniel Hughes that will come on Saturday. Of all the attachment experts, his approach most closely mirrored my own parenting style. I’ve read a lot over the years and different techniques I’ve picked up here and there have helped me parent. Thank God our son does not have RAD and is very well bonded to us, but there’s no doubt he has lingering attachment insecurity issues that continue to manifest themselves in strange ways(and some obvious ways as well). Our other adopted child (neglected not abused) doesn’t seem to have lingering issues.
I have birth children and adopted children. The three adopted children are all girls and are now adults. Two of the girls were adopted as newborns, the third was 2 years of age. Of the three, I would say the one who was adopted at the age of 2 years has the strongest bond with me. For at least the first year with us, she just about hated me. With the two adopted as newborns, there was lots of eye contact, loving, smiling, singing, playing. In the case of the third, I would categorize the eye contact as balefull glares (from her). Also, the child with whom I have the closest relationship is handicapped and I think it was after she had had to have surgery that we began to bond better. She had had several “mothers” before me and I think after the surgery it dawned on her that I would always be there for her. Of the three, she has the strongest faith and is deeply grateful to God for all He has done for her. I taught her that God has loved and wanted her from all eternity, that He has a plan for her in this life and the next, and that He has used the unfortunate circumstances of her life to bring about good things for her, the most important being the pearl of great price - her Catholic Faith. I hope this might help you, Eileen. God chose you from all eternity to be your little boy’s mother, so you were his mother even before you met. And, of course, he had the Blessed Mother, too.
I also just read that babies who suffer from extra stress develop more cortisol receptor sites in their rapidly developing brain. They are literally “set up” to suffer more from stress for the rest of their lives. How heartbreaking. As for porn addiction—I’m afraid many new Moms of teens and preteens don’t realize how incredibly easy it is for kids to access it. Until recently, I thought that it took credit cards, etc. No, it is just a couple of clicks away and it is *free*. When they go away to college you simply can’t build a tall enough fence. I heard some horror stories from my sons about formerly *homeschooled* porn addicts at their conservative Catholic University. If it is indeed as addictive as crack, we mothers, and VERY importantly, FATHERS need to treat this like a WAR.
*Yes* Talk to mother. She crushed that serpentine head.
Oh, Oh! A chance to retell one of my favorite Mom stories.
One late afternoon, the time when my tiredness and bad temper was making me clock watch. Not a good idea when you have a 24hr mothering job. I was also washing dishes, and scolding two of the middle children who were sitting next to each other at the kitchen table. The elder girl was slumped forward, with her head resting on her fist, she was about 4 1/2.. Her brother was two years younger and was short enough to slump with his chin on the table.
I must have paused in my rant, because I overheard this conversation.
” It’s a good thing she isn’t our real mother. “, whispered the lispy voice of my daugher.
” Yeah.” my usually loquacious son reponded, looking more cheerful.
She whispered back emphatically,” Our real mother is in heaven.”
” In heaven. Mary is our real mother.” confirmed my son as he and his sister shared a smile.
I have to say, I rejoiced. My feeble attempts to love them on earth were not going to be the mothering they were going to rely on!
My older sister died of SIDS when she was a month old. I was conceived a few months later and my father said that of all the births (8) in our family, mine was the most highly anticipated, even though I was the third child, because my arrival helped soothe the terrible wound left open by my sister’s passing.I think that my tendency toward depression was probably set in the womb, since my mother was racked with grief during her pregnancy with me. During my pregnancies, I work very hard to flood my belly with endorphins.
I think about the gifts that God gives us, and I think that one he gave my parents, who lost a child in her sleep during the night, was that I woke them up up by *laughing* in my sleep throughout the first few months.
My teen daughter does not seemed to be soothed by the sound of my voice, Not even when I say something as innocuous as “Good morning.” In fact, such temerity on my part earns me a look of annoyance coupled with confusion. “Who is this woman?” it looks like she’s thinking. “And why is she talking to me?”
Simply heart-warming, thank you!
I love this! I pray the Rosary daily, and it is immensely helpful in grounding me and helping to ease stress. When I get frustrated with my kids, husband, or anyone else, I immediately say a silent “Hail Mary.” It almost always helps.
Praying the Rosary has also completely stopped my porn addiction. It was instant just like the above person mentioned. I am very, very grateful to the Blessed Virgin Mary for her intercession. Its like she took a broom and swept the garbage images out of my brain. When I am tempted with lustful thoughts I just think of Her and they quickly go away.
@ GNW_Paul & Corita. GNW_Paul wrote: “although we can always hope for such instantaneous and profound recovery from our struggles, we should not become discouraged if that isn’t what happens for us.”
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Yes, it’s so easy to get discouraged. But this quote by Evagrius Ponticus is quite comforting: “Do not be troubled if you do not immediately receive from God what you ask Him; for He desires to do something even greater for you, while you cling to Him in prayer.”
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Thanks for the wonderful article, Simcha!
This is a comment about men & porn. I do NOT see men looking at porn in our Church. What I see is WOMEN gossiping. God’s plan for women = more babies & less gossip. God has given women the miraculous gift of motherhood. +It’s in the Bible;> God has also given the wife the ability to >pray her reprobate husband into Heaven. >>>>There is no greater prayer than the Holy Mass. Women get the men into our Church. The family that prayers together stays together.
What another wonderful article & with all of those posts, especially about being delivered from porn is a true God-send. Many years ago I read from the late wonderful Rev. Norman Peale about a woman that came from her doctor very upset: she had cancer & didn’t know what to do. He told her to do something very simple: seeing how she lived near the ocean, he told her to go to the beach (without a radio, etc.), on a day that wasn’t windy, find a spot that was lonely, stay calm and & relax with God’s nature. Well, she did & she found that her heart beat was in sync. with the waves & being a Christian, she just thanked God & she did get healed. Not the same as your story, but, in a way, it is, as God gives us Himself in nature & each other, with nothing but LOVE, & who needs testing to prove that? Thank you & God bless you. +JMJ+
@Mighty, I sometimes post comments about losing my ninth (actually 12th baby if you count them all)It was monumental, and is still a pretty fresh wound… But it also happened at 22 weeks with what would have been my sixth child. And then again… I couldn’t believe it when I lost *another* baby in the first trimester that was due the exact same day as the one before. (God what are you freaking doing???) When I became pregnant again, I felt stricken with *fear* and prayed like crazy, but I’d lost the carefree confidence I’d had before. I knew God didn’t owe me anything. When I was giving birth to him, both of our heart rates went down seriously, so I was a ball of nerves. One thing I DO know, is that this child who is now eight, never stops flooding my heart with gratitude. I am so, so grateful for him. Last Christmas he made me the sweetest card that said: “Because I was your biggest gift ever from God after you were sad from losing your other babies”...So sweet, and so true. And you know what? There actually is something extra unique about him—maybe he’ll be our priest. Anyhow, I’m sure you occupy a very, very sweet place in you mother’s heart.
Posted by EAC…“Yes, when children are that young, they are not capable of critical thinking and will naturally accept whatever is indoctrinated into their defenseless minds.”
EAC, I mean really, really. Coos are somehow “indoctrination”. I think it’s you who lack the critical thinking.
In keeping with the wonderful validation that Simcha’s piece gives on the power of Mother Love, I’d like to share this family / attachment parenting quote by Blessed Mother Teresa:
“Try to put in the hearts of your children a love for home. Make them long to be with their families. So much sin could be avoided if our people really loved their homes.”
~ Mother Teresa
I recently came upon a website that contains some very clear, down-to-earth, encouraging advice about the struggle to grow in purity. Are we allowed to share links here? The website is purityispossible dot com. The first article, “Growing Holy Purity” is excellent. That’s for those of us whom God has chosen for the blood-and-tears path to purity! ;-)
My daughter sent me a copy of this. How encouraging it is. Thank you!
I coordinate a Perinatal Hospice program that cares for moms pregnant with babies who are expected to die at birth. I normally tell the moms to talk and sing to their babies in utero…to make the most of their time together…until I took care of a young woman whose baby had a life limiting diagnosis but the mom was deaf and mute. With the help of an ASL interpreter, I told her to hold her round belly and dance.
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