Simcha Fisher, author of The Sinner’s Guide to Natural Family Planning writes for several publications and blogs daily at Aleteia. She lives in New Hampshire with her husband and ten children. Without supernatural aid, she would hardly be a human being.
Because it's Friday, and I'm about as peppy as a piece of eggplant skin that went through the dishwasher, let's play a game. I'm calling it "Catholic SEO Mad Libs," because I couldn't decide which joke I wanted to go with.
This is my gift to you, the person who needs to come up with something that is both relevant and edgy, and has words in it. You remember Mad Libs, right? One person supplies the required parts of speech, without knowing the context, and the other person fills the words in. Then they read the completed story aloud. Hilarity ensues.
Here's the template, which you can use for just about any occasion. Heck, you can leave it as it is, with the blanks blank, and someone out there will still get offended.
THE INTERNET THESE DAYS
The internet these days has gotten out of control. Just the other day, a(n) [adjective]__________ young person sat down at the computer, hoping to find out a little more about [any word]______________ for a post he was writing. The first search term he entered into Google was [any word]_________, but that turned out to be a(n) [adjective] _______ choice, because it just turned up a bunch of websites about [any word]______________ and [any word]_____________.
Next he tried searching for [any word] __________. No dice! Just more [adjective]_________ websites, including a few which were too [adjective]_________ for the workplace -- [person] ________wearing a(n)[article of clothing]__________, for instance.
He took a deep breath, asked himself what [person]_________ would do, and tried one last time, this time entering [any word]__________ into the search box. To his surprise, he found himself on the homepage of [organization]__________. Mesmerized, he clicked through, only to find himself knee deep in videos of [person]__________ teaching a class on [any word]______________.
Unable to control himself, he clicked again, and was instantly sorry, for there was a high resolution image of [person]___________ demonstrating the proper way to [verb]__________ a(n) [noun]________.
In a panic, he closed all the tabs and opened Facebook -- and there was a message from [person] _______, hoping to be friends.
And the moral of this story is, A(n) [noun]_________ in hand is worth two in the bush.
Now, of course you can just play it straight, and fill in the specified parts of speech, and you will have something which is just as good, if not better, than 99% of what is on the internet.
But say you are getting paid per click (which I am not. I simply feed off human misery, including my own. Especially my own). You want to do more than hit your minimum word count; you want your post to draw in the crazies like crazy moths to a crazy flame!
This is where my trademarked Surefire List O' Incendiary Vocabulary comes in, guaranteed to whip high strung readers into a logorrheic frenzy. Just sprinkle a few of these into your piece and watch the tickers whir:
NOUNS, GERUNDS, UM, PRESENT PARTICIPLES, and MISCELLANEOUS [turns out I have forgotten more grammar than I realized. Look, just play along.]
urban backyard chicken
dolphin assisted birthing
folly of putting two spaces after a period
breastfeeding at Mass
circumcision at Mass
dolphin assisted birthing at Mass
circumcized dolphins assisting at birthing while the mother homeschools at Mass
The Hunger Games
Obama's birth certificate
Pat Buchanan's Young Monster Brigade
La Leche League
Gary the Alligator
ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
By Mark Shea's beard!
Well, there you have it. If it doesn't work out, don't blame me! Blame [name].